Whitechapel - JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Yaboo Chingoa — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 16:18:40 -0700

Wow. I had NO IDEA what lay in wait for me when I started that discussion topic half a year ago. I figured at the time that all I had to do was to widen the base, maybe chase a few niggling detail problems, and whisk it away to the magical land of Shapeways, and the customers and $$$ would just roll on in.

Instead, I was just approaching the foothills of Triangle Hell. Finishing the design work didn't take too long, but when I sent it to the fabrication service to be printed, I was looking at a three-inch wide plastic statue that cost $80 dollars to print -- and that didn't include any profit to me. Now, I think I came up with a damn fine design, but expecting potential customers to part with $80+ was, um, just a tad unrealistic.

Thus began the six-week process of trying out different methods of hollowing out the interior of the model. I'm trying not to get all tl;dr on you here, so let's just say that I found many exciting and lengthy ways of accomplishing FUCKING NOTHING AT ALL. But after many experiments and dead ends, I finally managed get it down to a somewhat more reasonable level.

Which brings us to the point at which I attempt to ~~mercilessly gouge you~~ offer you some fine wares. Take a look. There are four sizes available: micro (1" wide), small (3" wide), medium (6" wide), and large (9" wide). You know, I personally suggest the large, $800 version -- and hell, if you're gonna spend that kinda scratch anyway, why not go for the gold-plated matte version for only $3,400 more? Okay, yes: as the models get larger, they leap higher in price, but I promise you, most of the cost goes to the manufacturing process. I'm really not going to be getting much from each sale. (Well, except from any wayward customers who opt for the bronze, silver or gold sculpts; I figure if they'd pay $4070 for a large gold-plated statue (which is the wholesale cost), then they'll probably pay $4200 (which would provide me with about $130 bucks for, er, art supplies). If I can find a service with cheaper cost of materials, I'll migrate over as quick as I can.

I'll go ahead and add the caveats that Shapeways lists on their site:

Warning: Please note that the 3D printing materials we use for manufacturing the designs make the products suitable only for decorative purposes and they are not suited for any other purpose. The products are not suited to be used as toys, to be given to children. The products should not come in contact with electricity or food & drink and should be kept away from any heat sources.

In other words -- and Rootfireember, RenThing and the quiet one, I'm looking at YOU sick fucks -- IT IS NOT A DIDDLE DEVICE.

I threatened the griefers in that last discussion thread with the Diesel-Powered Taint Shank, but someone beat me to the design. Mind you, I was going to use the three-tongued rotting mechanical head of Richard Nixon...

In closing, I'd like to thank Warren, Paul Van Denton, and the quiet one for their suggestions, and thanks to everyone else who chimed in with their nasty, nasty words.

Here's a shinier, fuzzier rendering:

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Alan Tyson — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 17:55:06 -0700

My friend whom I am skyping with: "Tell them I fear them, now. I vaguely fear them. Because THIS is there. And I KNOW it's there. And I don't know what it IS."

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

RenThing — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 18:38:14 -0700

Anything, when used creatively enough, can be a diddle device.

Grats, man, I'm glad you were able to get this into a practical production stage although I'm not sure that it should have been in that same way I'm not sure people should read from old books penned by Arabs of questionable sanity that are bound in human skin.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

chainsaw.serenade — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 21:42:58 -0700

Oh god... oh, god. I forgot about this.

Help me.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

RenThing — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 00:40:35 -0700

@chainsaw.serenade

I think the only appropriate response is if we have to suffer, you suffer too.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Yaboo Chingoa — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 01:51:34 -0700

Quiet thyselves, o children

Dance brightly, that you might remain yet unseen
Your hand is his Eye and his cry is the World

The beast is a Silence and the ocean is torn
The Song has been sung and the Gate has been opened

In a sky gone from view
is begun the gestation

Hillbilly Turtle Whiskey Abortion draws breath:

...wuh? Say, what am I doing here?
Oh well, probably nothing to worry about. Thanks for the praise!

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

SteadyUP — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 02:17:36 -0700

...what is wrong with you?

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

government spy — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 03:25:02 -0700

nonononononononononononono

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Yskaya — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 04:40:53 -0700

I just broke a rib laughing. I blame you all.

ow ow can't stop laughing ow

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

JP Carpenter — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 04:55:09 -0700

Did he smile, his work to see?
Did he who made the lamb, make thee?

It's a thing of wonder, to be sure, but I'm gonna hold out for the sex toy version.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Kradlum — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 05:58:44 -0700

That's just what everyone is looking for for their steampunk/cthulhu Sesame Street GURPS scenario.
Maybe you could try a Kickstarter.com project for it. If you could get Warren and Si to tweet it, you would get some interest. You'd need to work out an angle for it though.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

RenThing — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 09:41:26 -0700

Maybe he can add a vibrating feature.

You know. For the ladies.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Yaboo Chingoa — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 10:18:42 -0700

...what is wrong with you?

Many, many things.

nonononononononononononono

Govspy, you're going no no no, when you should be going nom nom nom. Consume it. Feel its dim gaze... from within. Mmm! Now that's lip-smacking good!

I just broke a rib laughing. I blame you all.
ow ow can't stop laughing ow

Long has it been know that Whitechapel is NSFW. Perhaps it has now become a health hazard. Took long enough.

Kradlum, I'm not sure what a Kickstarter project would accomplish. I mean, it's already available for purchase. There aren't any start-up costs involved.
My main concern is about the high price tags, which are solely based on the cost of materials. How would Kickstarter alleviate that?

It's a thing of wonder, to be sure, but I'm gonna hold out for the sex toy version.

Maybe he can add a vibrating feature.

You know. For the ladies.

gaspcoughchoke Gawd damn you I tole you HOW MANY TIMES coughcoughhack HOW MANY TIME I GOTTA TELL YOU coughchokebleedingeyes
IT AINT NO DAMNED TOY FOR TO PUT IN YORE coughhackepilepsyspasms SHAME TUNNEL??!?!?!

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

RenThing — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 10:23:52 -0700

Who says it goes it there?

Could be a vibrating bit for the love button. You never know.

(Although I'm not certain I want to know the woman who could climax with that thing staring up at her from between her legs)

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

government spy — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 10:43:00 -0700

Hey... what the Hell is up with those blocks?

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Kradlum — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 11:51:34 -0700

Kradlum, I'm not sure what a Kickstarter project would accomplish. I mean, it's already available for purchase. There aren't any start-up costs involved.
My main concern is about the high price tags, which are solely based on the cost of materials. How would Kickstarter alleviate that?

Kickstarter is not just about getting start up costs, it's also about getting the word out, finding a market and making people feel they are part of the project. With the different sizes/materials you've got a ready made rewards structure. But, as you say it's already available for purchase, which is why you need to think of an angle. It could be raising money to cover your costs/time designing a 2nd model, using the first model as the rewards so there is no pressure on you to actually produce the 2nd model. I don't know how much you make on each Shapeways sale and whether you can get a discount for ordering in bulk, and you'll have to take into account 5% Kickstarter costs and 5% Amazon payments costs, and take the time to get the word out on social media (and possibly take the risk that that someone in Muppet world will see it and complain).

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Rootfireember — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 12:05:18 -0700

I like the better rendering. But why not link to images of the actual 3d whatsit here, too?
I'd suggest keeping sketches of it in various stages of production and screenshots of the store/final product for portfolio work/resume.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

chainsaw.serenade — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 13:25:58 -0700

I have officially lost two friends today by overusing the term "shame tunnel."

Thank you. <3

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Yaboo Chingoa — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 14:07:30 -0700

Govspy: Those are Voynich Blocks. Flawed Voynich Blocks, as it turns out, but I'll get back to that later.

Are you familiar with the Voynich manuscript? There's a Voynich font available for download.

Once I finished the design and sculpting work on Grover, I brought it into another application to add all the groovy things like pretty shadows, glowing bits and fur. I needed to fill up the empty space around Grover, and I figured it would be entirely appropriate to, er, revisit another dearly-loved children's toy:

At first, I intended to create my own glyphs to replace the ABCs and 123s on the blocks, but I was in a hurry to get the rendering done and used the Voynich font instead. That rush to finish the project -- coupled with a general unfamiliarity with the characters -- would come back to haunt me. When I looked with fresh eyes at the block models today, I noticed that some of the glyphs are backwards. Nuts. It won't be hard to fix. Just... very damn tedious. sigh

Kickstarter is not just about getting start up costs, it's also about getting the word out, finding a market and making people feel they are part of the project. With the different sizes/materials you've got a ready made rewards structure. But, as you say it's already available for purchase, which is why you need to think of an angle. It could be raising money to cover your costs/time designing a 2nd model, using the first model as the rewards so there is no pressure on you to actually produce the 2nd model. I don't know how much you make on each Shapeways sale and whether you can get a discount for ordering in bulk, and you'll have to take into account 5% Kickstarter costs and 5% Amazon payments costs, and take the time to get the word out on social media (and possibly take the risk that that someone in Muppet world will see it and complain).

Hmmm. Interesting. I'll give this some consideration. Thanks for the info!

I like the better rendering. But why not link to images of the actual 3d whatsit here, too?

Are you talking about the real-world, hold-it-in-your-hand, oh-my-god-it-fell-off-the-coffee-table-and-smashed-into-pieces gewgaw? If so, I intend to, just as soon as the ones I ordered show up. I expect them by the first of August. Once I snap some photos of the little guys, I'll use the photos as the default images in whatever online storefront I settle on.

Anything, when used creatively enough, can be a diddle device.

Even solar flares?

I have officially lost two friends today by overusing the term "shame tunnel."

Well, shit. I hate to tear apart a friendship with my irresponsible batshit babble. Tell you what, here's how you win those friends back:
Overuse the term "pride tunnel" instead.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

the quiet one — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 21:56:28 -0700

I'm doing the engineer thing where I focus on the interesting technical problem and ignore and compartmentalize the horror.

Good job.

Did you have a sample built yet? I'd like to see how it comes out of the printer.
What 3d software did you use? Do you think I could borrow an .iges file for a little while? (muffled evil laughter)

Ponoko.com will do 3D printing and then perform light assembly work, so the cable things could be made of wire, you could add LEDs to the design or make it out of 2 different materials...or add other mechanisms. You know. For the "ladies".

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Alastair — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 09:30:32 -0700

if its not a sex toy now then god dammit we have to make it one!

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

jimmyjungle — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 18:58:01 -0700

i first read it as "JESUS CHRIST IS NOT A SEX TOY!!!"

much to his chagrin,i'm sure.
he's sittin in the shade thinking "aww...,i mean i like that they look up to me spiritually and all,but i wish they'd at least try to fuck me once in a while...sigh"

"Pussy! Why hast thou forsaken me!!!??"

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

glukkake — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 19:19:13 -0700

@jimmy I ~~did~~ thought that as well and was about to pull out a link to the baby jesus butt plug.

But I guess we're all safe. Safe-ish?

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

joe.distort — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 21:35:29 -0700

what

the

fuck

i must have totally just not understood any of this

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Yaboo Chingoa — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 22:12:15 -0700

Did you have a sample built yet? I'd like to see how it comes out of the printer.
What 3d software did you use?

Ponoko.com will do 3D printing and then perform light assembly work, so the cable things could be made of wire, you could add LEDs to the design or make it out of 2 different materials...or add other mechanisms[...]

No samples yet, but I wait patiently. I'm also waiting for a price quote from i.Materialize for the 6" model in Prime Grey and polyamide materials, though considering they don't post exact cost-per-cubic centimeter of their materials, I'm not holding my breath that a prime grey version will be substantially cheaper than the current $200+ cost of selective laser sintered nylon offered by Shapeways.

I used Silo v.2 to build the base mesh, and Zbrush for the sculpting details. Here's a screencap of the base mesh.

Do you think I could borrow an .iges file for a little while? (muffled evil laughter)

What are you up to, you mad fucker? The .obj containing the print-ready model weighs in at 42 MB, and ~990,000 polys. I suppose I could let you take a gander, but I can tell you right now that attempting to make working joints and electronics out of the existing components is a recipe for MADNESS. Every one of the model components intersect one another, and the bits resembling ball-and-socket joints are illusory. It's a nasty piece of work. None of the "metallic" bits weigh in at less than 50k tris, and when making early attempts to hollow them out, I got poor Boolean results from Maya, 3DSMax, Cararra, Bonzai, Modo and Silo. Your mileage may vary.

if its not a sex toy now then god dammit we have to make it one!

You know. For the "ladies".

Sumbitches. I hope you're all happy with yourselves. All the insistent bleatings of a Punishment Factory Grover Dong finally triggered the Vision: a tentacled melty hexapod with an eager, tongue-wagging Muppet head at the tippy-top, reaching for a presumably eager cervix or upper colon. I hate you all.

i first read it as "JESUS CHRIST IS NOT A SEX TOY!!!"

In regards to the question of Jesus-as-sextoy, I myself remain agnostic on the matter.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

the quiet one — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 19:46:04 -0700

Oooooo I was just looking at Ponoko, they have electroluminescent wire and a "Toy DC Motor with Leads" that spins at 23000 RPM... There's also servos to make the tentacles move.

I'm just sayin'

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

chainsaw.serenade — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 23:01:11 -0700

A gentle reminder: Shame tunnel.

That said, my friend took me back into her warm, bosom-y embrace once we decided that girls have pride tunnels and boys have shame tunnels.

Or both have both, if you're drunk enough.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

fod_xp — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 18:30:53 -0700

If I may make a suggestion, your next Sesame Street Body Horror project should be a chest burster coming out of Oscar the Grouch. Granted you would have to be creative with the chest burster so no copyright or trademark laws are broken, thus inviting the wrath of money hungry corporations and their hell hounds [a.k.a. corporate lawyers].

Also, this is awesome, with or without "shame tunnel" modifications.

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

John Skylar — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 19:42:31 -0700

So, is it weird that when I saw it rendered in colour initially, I said, "OH THE HORROR" like everyone else...but then when I saw the grey model images, I said, "Oh. I get this now." ?

Oh, and perhaps there is a whitechapel corollary to Clarke's Third Law, now. "Any sufficiently advanced monstrosity is indistinguishable from a sex toy."

JESUS CHRIST IT'S NOT A SEX TOY!!!

Yaboo Chingoa — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 20:42:13 -0700

That said, my friend took me back into her warm, bosom-y embrace once we decided that girls have pride tunnels and boys have shame tunnels. Or both have both, if you're drunk enough.

A friendship ruined and renewed. All in a day's work, citizens.

If I may make a suggestion, your next Sesame Street Body Horror project should be a chest burster coming out of Oscar the Grouch. Granted you would have to be creative with the chest burster so no copyright or trademark laws are broken, thus inviting the wrath of money hungry corporations and their hell hounds [a.k.a. corporate lawyers].

Mmm. I'd probably lean more towards Oscar popping out of the Chestbuster. But I really don't intend to revisit the Sesame Street characters. Grover was a one-off. (Although for a while there, I had been tinkering with a steam shovel/Snuffy Snuffleupagus hybrid. But I never really got the design to work.)

So, is it weird that when I saw it rendered in colour initially, I said, "OH THE HORROR" like everyone else...but then when I saw the grey model images, I said, "Oh. I get this now." ?

Quite a curious response. I wonder what's up with that?

Oh, and perhaps there is a whitechapel corollary to Clarke's Third Law, now. "Any sufficiently advanced monstrosity is indistinguishable from a sex toy."

Heh. Probably right about that corollary business. I'm reminded of what RenThing posted in the original January discussion: "It is sometimes safer to assume it's a sex toy and drive on." Which still haunts me; if that's the safer option... then what would the scarier options be?!