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    • CommentTimeJul 16th 2011
    If I'm not careful I'll fully return to the lethargy of preteen summers. All I need a is a bike and weekly trips to the library. My parents are fighting, my siblings scatter to their individual interests except at mealtimes. We stay up late and sleep in and rarely wear shoes. We even occasionally make trips to the municipal pool.

    But way back then it was mostly ok because who expected a 12 year old to be constructing a career? and biking and swimming are summer things kids do... But the siblings are older and hunting their own avenues for money and whether it's seeking grant money for cheesy business ventures, selling used games and DVDs or what have you, I'm rolling my eyes. Though I have no right, really. I know all the work before me and I'm ignoring every last bit of it.

    It's the parents fighting and siblings being crappy that's driving me up the wall. I know my family gets along better than quite a lot out there, but it's tolerance, not real commonality. And the truth is I still hate listening to my parents disagree. Because it's just my mom sounding like a whiny harridan while my dad pouts and refuses to man up to the things going wrong in the household. When I was 12 this hurt. Now it pisses me off and renews my feelings that I will never let anyone put me in the position of owing them anything. Well, specifically, the position of owing them love. Because I think that's what the marital vow is and if I ever take it someone please - I'm begging you - test me for extensive drug use. Maybe my parents do it wrong. I don't know. But I hate that after 35 years all they've really done is perfect their most aggravating tendencies.

    Anyway, this week I've really just been avoiding the work I should be doing, namely settling on a producer for my demo and getting in contact. It's part laziness, sure, but I'm more likely hiding my fear behind that laziness. Because after that there's nothing but to go solicit work. There's nothing for it but to put it all on the line, time and time again. Ask to be accepted, probably be rejected and move on. Over and over. I love my voice classes and wish I could keep them up. But that's money out with none coming in. Meaning it's not the mature way to look at things. I may hate what capitalism brings out in people, but it's hard to think of a system that makes choices and the need for growth more stark. If want to grow up the rest of the way (borrowing probably my favorite Freak-line) I've got to suck up letting go of the handrails, not visiting my favorite places, take the training wheels off, whatever other metaphors you like. *sigh*

    Speaking of class, and growing, this Wednesday I had the peculiar feeling of being ahead of the game everyone else was playing and behind where I needed to be. I got a lot of compliments from everyone, from classmates to the engineer to my own teacher. Now, the teacher is easy, she's been my coach across three classes now and we're verging on actual friendship. And because of that I'm a little frustrated because I want more detailed critique of my work. If over all I sold my classmates on my commitment, great, but I want to know if the performance is really there. If it's not ready to be pro I want to know what's missing. My teacher is a blast - she makes me laugh and tosses out comments that show off crazy fun ways to think of things, all of which calm my mind and ease my nerves - but I need to know in detail what I should be working on. Hmm. I don't know.

    Anyway, the reason I'm frustrated with compliments (I know!) is that I listened to the MP3s of my booth work and didn't like them. I know I can't trust the part of my brain that judges my work. I'll hate it right when I do it and then I'll come back months later and find it wasn't so bad and plenty about it was pretty good. But the muscles I need for discernment right away are a bit out of whack. I have trouble hearing what everyone else is hearing and my analysis just doesn't line up. this is ungood for so very many professional reasons... I just don't know what to do about it. I mean, obviously I keep practicing but where do I focus? What did they like that I should make sure to keep? *sigh* This may just be another angle on the classic "but did they like me?" agony that everyone who's had to present themselves for judgment must suffer. We never know. Even when they applaud or throw things we don't know the central thing that brought that about because we can't see with their eyes and hear with their ears. But I seriously worry that if I just push for putting on performances that I think are top quality my broken brain will make sure I'm doing crap that never gets me hired. (Don't argue with my about my broken brain, I've got the psyche eval that says I'm not the best judge of myself.)

    anyway, lazying away this weekend, this week, my life. I've got exactly one assignment with a deadline and it's to watch a bunch of movies. And I'm avoiding doing even that. Guh.
    • CommentTimeJul 16th 2011
    I'm recovering after a rough week and trying to forget that I really need to get the starter checked out on my car before it gets all wonky again.

    Today was spent with the wee one and the dog. We went for walks, had a lady come over with sample blinds, blew bubbles, watched choo choos on YouTube, spotted 5 big blue busses, had iced coffee (me) and watermelon (him), kissed through screen doors, giggled, went swimming (well mostly splashing) and made pizza.

    I'm now watching latest stage of the TDF (Jens Voigt is a machine) and thinking about biking to the aquarium tomorrow.

    I also need to write a letter that I may not send anywhere. I found out this week that someone I hadn't spoken to in years died a few years ago. We left things badly, and even though I had thought of apologizing - I never did. So, the letter may be to his mom, if she's still around. Or not. I'm not sure what to say.
    • CommentTimeJul 16th 2011
    This week has been very slow with work and stuff, but Thursday was pretty great. The weekend has been dominated by, cleaning my room, and watching marvel films in the theater both the proper nights to do so. Last night was Thor, finally, which I hadn't seen until then. Tonight was Captain America, and it's very much on my mind, and I want to talk about it, but seeing as it doesn't come out for another week, I'll refrain.

    I broke up with my boyfriend, for good this time, this week. I guess that's the big news of my life. But basically no one I know in meatspace has heard about it. It would have been the Thing To Talk About if I'd done this post at the beginning of the week, but right now, I don't feel like I need to talk about it as much. I'm feeling pretty okay. It needed to come to an end.
  1.  (10041.24)
    I actually posted an update of sorts on tumblr.

    Some interesting bits:
    4. I had a setback with trying to find a place. Finding a place to rent is near impossible - everthing gets snapped up fairly quickly. It seems that there are houses in the area being sold for impossibly low prices, so I might go that route. Of course, this also means some boring stuff that I won’t talk about here. I’m trying to get more hours at work and my mom thinks I should get a second job. I really don’t want a second job.
    5. My mom found a letter from a friend in middle school to me when I was overseas in high school. It’s surreal, because I don’t remember a thing about it. I don’t remember the letter, or anything it is referring to, or anyone it mentions, aside from the person who wrote it. It’s also oddly religious, considering the person who sent it wasn’t.

    I've mostly been in avoiding reality mode lately. Stupid, I know. Hopefully I'll get over it soon enough. There's a really cool drawing of me in the draw each other thread.
    • CommentTimeJul 17th 2011
    Fucking A Portland can I please get a hamburger or hotdog at any BBQ in side your city limits.
    That's what I get for leaving the house.
  2.  (10041.26)
    Hard week, seemed to be over very quickly though. Work is extremely demanding, have been working 11-12 hour days and have a 4 hour daily commute on top of that, and I've been trying to get stuff done at the weekend, but Photoshop's just crashed on me in the middle of what should be a really simple web graphic dammit... I'm having two weeks off in August, and there's so much to nail down before then and an awful lot of ambiguity which I really don't like... also have a bunch of budgets to reforecast (I 'agreed', stupidly, to manage the department's (which run into millions...) budgets, despite having a massive mental block about finance, and telling my boss 'you know that''ll be like putting George Best in charge of an off licence, don't you?). Feel rather like a rabbit in the headlights right now - I will cope, I always do, but I'm fond of being comfortable, which I definitely am not right now.

    My youngest daughter was three on Friday, she's now insisting on watching the Peppa Pig DVD that she got pretty much on repeat. I'm stupidly fond of her, I think out of my three daughters she's been the easiest to form a strong bond with, although I've got one with the older two it seemed so much harder. I think maybe that I've become much more grounded and generally more easy going. My eldest has always been quite challenging, she seems to share my temperament in an awful lot of ways which doesn't make for a good mix, and we fell out quite badly a couple of nights this week - she has an immensely strong sense of justice/injustice and if she thinks she's been slighted or wronged in any way she won't give up, and approaches things with a vehemence that just makes it all way worse - so a petty squabble turned into a two hour conflict. The middle daughter has much more emotional intelligence and knows when to stop and how to play people

    I also hit a milestone in that I'm under 12 stone for the first time in probably 7 years... I think I should be about 10 to be 'right', I just need to keep going slowly and steadily as I have been. I think it's also to do with being off antidepressants for the first time in a decade - am really trying to keep that going and not cave in, it's touch and go but am hanging in so far.

    And joined a Google+ with several lovely 'chappelers last night, hosted by the mighty Bob - was a cool thing to do despite the odd technical bastardry (DALEKDUCKORGY).

    Peace to all...
  3.  (10041.27)
    Having problems with the girl I've been living with. Not sure which one of us is being more irrational. Outlook: not positive.
    • CommentAuthorKelind
    • CommentTimeJul 17th 2011
    Starting my "Thursday" shift and planning for the coming "weekend". Wondering if this display issue on my screen is video card or monitor.
  4.  (10041.29)
    Ugh. Just had an inmate come in my office, to tell me he's just been sentenced for almost 4 years; illegal entry. Proceeds to really open up to me, but then says things like "I don't care if I ever see my family again", "my life is over", and "I don't care if I die in prison.

    The guy obviously trusts me, but because he said those key phrases, I have to break that trust and send him to the Lieutenant, who will most likely lock him up in suicide watch. It's technically for his own safety, but yeah, I totally violated his trust just now. As the escorting officer picks him up he gave me that look, like "Yeah, sure, you're doing this for me, thanks so much."

    All his personal property will be taken away from him and secured, he'll be forced to wear an uncomfortable and itchy smock (that's impossible to tie into a rope to hang yourself with) and put into a solitary 24/7 observation cell, and only be allowed to use the bathroom under direct officer supervision. And that's supposed to make you not want to kill yourself?

    Ugh. Part of the job that I hate, but the alternative is people killing themselves. This facility has been open 12 years, and has had one suicide. That's compared to most facilities that have at least one per year. So we're doing something right. But why do I feel like a piece of shit.

    End rant.

    There is no crying in Whitechapel.

    Well, he's not being put on suicide watch, but at least I feel comfortable that I did what I'm supposed to do: I alerted the proper staff to the fact that this guy is a little unstable, and they've set up for him to meet with the shrink. He knows I wasn't trying to screw him; and still feels comfortable talking to me, and doesn't look like he's going to hang himself immediately. So far, so good.
  5.  (10041.30)
    @government spy define "illegal entry" and why it requires a 4 year sentence?
  6.  (10041.31)

    Normally I don't know what an inmate's charges are (unless they pose a security threat like military or police training, history with explosives, assaulting staff or previous escape attempts), or his sentence, but in this case the inmate told me. He has a re-entry charge, which means he was previously here illegally, was convicted (and did time) and deported and he came back anyway. The first time around, he was arrested for assault, and then they found out he was here illegally. (This is all assuming he was honest)

    This time, it was assault with a deadly weapon, plus re-entry, and he mentioned he had other charges in the past as well. So according to the courts, the man is a violent offender, who keeps coming here illegally.

    My opinion on his charges and his sentence are fairly irrelevant to determine my interactions with this inmate; other than the fact that it affects his mental well being.
    It's possible the judge may have imposed a greater sentence than he normally would just for re-entry, but given this particular inmate's history, plus his attitude and his desire to blame everything on some sort of Mexican-Mafia conspiracy to have him killed and refusing to take any responsibility for his actions, the judge may have factored all of that in and added more time, which is legitimate as long as it fits within federal sentencing guidelines, which I don't know at the moment, but I'm sure they can be googled.

    I hope I answered your question.
    • CommentAuthoricelandbob
    • CommentTimeJul 17th 2011 edited
    not much has been happening this week. Basically i'Ve been recovering from a nasty headcold i contracted from filthy livestock at the metal festival i went to alst weekend. I'm off to London on Wednesday for my Hols. Will be spending a night there, then will be flying up to... THE SHETLAND ISLES! Yes my home place, the place where i was brought up. And i haven't been there in nearly 12 years. It should be interesting. When i get back, i have to arrange a fleshy whitechapel meet (London branch). Last time only Denari turned up, so i will be looking for a bigger turnout this time.

    then it's off to see my mother. So far she is sing rather well, considering she's just been through a shitload of Chemo and radiotherapy for her lung cancer. But we are not unduly worried. She's is too evil to die!

    Right now my flat is cool and spacious. The cat is outside and Sigga is at her parents until tomorrow night. I have to start writing a feature about said local music festival, but i'M procrastinating a bit. I will try to start it tonight.

    Oh and this Google + is getting rather interesting. Why? well as J0nCarp3nter mentioned we had a (Slightly drunken) Whitechapel chat last night on their huddle feature. Several people were there and we basically talked guff for the best part of an hour and a half. But it was all a lot of fun and everyone looked and sounded great, apart from Nigredo whose mic made him sound a bit like a malfunctioning dalek voiced by Donald Duck. I promise i won't inject hard liqour when we all next chat.
    • CommentTimeJul 17th 2011 edited
    I'm expelling this blurb in the same way one would induce yourself to throw up, I'm hoping that getting it out of me will help. Please forgive the indulgence.

    Let's preface this by saying that I'm diagnosed with depression and now medicated (40ml of citalopram for any of you who understand such things). I don't feel depressed, as such, or maybe I do, part of this post is to explain how I feel so you can work it for yourself.

    Anyway. Bit o' history.

    I was signed off work with stress nearly a year ago, the result of a good eighteen months of overwork, changing deadlines, blurred goals and chronic daytime headache (amongst other physical symptoms). I was back about four months later, and on the pills.

    Now, I remember, as a youngster, that I never really understood the effect of booze until the first time I got properly drunk. After which, I knew the sensation by degrees, I could feel it in myself and see it in others all the more clearly. Stress and associated depression is much like that, I realise that I've felt it on-and-off for years, but it wasn't until I 'broke' that I really got it.

    Stress, anxiety, depression, whatever combinations of poison got me, it's just another brand of pain, put simply. And I can see it around me all the time, in the faces of others under duress, and in myself. And the prescribed drugs, well, Citalopram dulls me, it hugs my shoulders like a layer of frost. Sometimes it's good like that first chill sip of Staropramen on a too hot day, other times it's like iced water in the veins, it feels like aging, second by second.

    It's net gain, though, which is why I still take it, but it has knocked an edge off my capacity to think, to create, to work.

    The other thing is I'm professionally creative, a quick check of my CV reveals that I have been since 1998 (fuck). I've worked with some brands you know, probably, but I've never, not once, produced anything I'm proud of, either through work or in one of the hundreds projects I've done myself.

    This bothers me, a lot.

    A lot more than being depressed.

    So right now, at work, we're in a transition phase. One project is ending and the next is revving up, I no longer have the 'profile' in the office that I once did, but I can live with that, I'm hiding a little bit, in the office, truth be told. Worse than that, I feel totally directionless as an artist, I have no drive, I'm not connecting to anything, I feel like a gear spinning into space instead of connecting with any machine that means anything.

    I am ok, I have a lot of good things in my life, a fiance, a good family, a pleasant life for the most part. But in other ways I'm struggling.

    Please excuse this outburst.
  7.  (10041.34)
    @icelandbob - I totally want to get to hang in your chat lounge! Oh oh oh! Yessss!

    @razangel - it's frustrating when you don't get proper criticism. I've had the same issue. I know I'm not as good as I want to be / should be / could be, and when one only gets accolade, it makes it more difficult to move forward and leaves you feeling like you are treading water in mediocrity while getting awarded for not drowning. I'd felt that way for my paintings, mostly: "Yes, this IS only the fourth painting I've made in.... ever. Please don't compliment it. I don't care if it's better than you think it should be, if you think I should be pleased to have created this given my intermittant art output and limitations, that kind of encouragement does not help me! it's not as good as I think it should be, and I need to know how to improve!!!"


    While I had one roommate drawing at a Lost Circus themed benefit for a temple construction at Burning Man, another roommate working at a Lesbo Disco, I spent the night in, wrestling with the headache-that-will-not-die-and-likes-to-strike-whenever-it-fucking-likes, while (legally) medicating myself with Adderall (though I'm trying only half the recommended dosage), Vicodin (which is making me feel more and more like House every day), glaucoma eyedrops (which render me obscenely nearsighted for a good hour or more before they fade and allow me to see things, but only seem to improve my left eye), antibiotics (to rid the headpounding, which seem to be losing thier effectivness in everything but making me feel nauseated), and some other (slightly less legal) medication for glaucoma and nausea.

    It's a sick person's party of one.

    I want to like the Adderall. I really do. I mean, I really do exhibit ADHD type behavior, and it has given me to oomph to get a lot of things done that needed doing,(and helloooo weight loss!) but that's more likely something that's got to do with my brain being pressurized and my neurological systems not working right than it has to do with the common imbalances that cause ADHD in most. Also, as an appetite suppressant? BAH! I already have a problem with eating obsessively, feeling both full and starving at the same time, unable to ever NOT eat the entirety of a box or container of anything in one sitting. Now, I just eat faster, and more often. I've returned to smoking, now, just to keep me from constantly eating.

    I did try to get some Modafinil instead, but the doc didn't seem down for that. Anyone have any suggestions of a nootropic type drug that a doctor would feel justified in prescribing me for what he feels is ADHD? I'm high strung. I don't think I need speed.

    My money situation is far more dire than I'd thought, and I'm scrambling and brainstorming for ways to make it through til fall when I'll get my grants and loans and be financially stable and safe again. The headache situation isn't making this very easy. Oh, ebay objects. You are the poor person's savings bond.

    I know I could borrow from friends if need be, but... christ I really hate being a needy hand-out person. Where can one get a relatively small 3-4 month loan?

    I'll stop bitching. On to: The GOOD things this week... the really AWESOME things....

    Well, for years now, I've not ben able to see the moon. I mean, I can SEE that it's THERE, but it is, to me a bright blurry doubled smear, even when closing one eye. I've not seen the face of the moon for a very long time. It's the kind of thing that, when speaking it aloud to someone, I start to get .... choked up. I'm one of those people who has great love for the night sky, and have gone to great lengths to view moonrises and moonsets and have literally fallen to my knees in awe at the sight of the stars meeting the horizon in inky black impossibility. I love the moon, and this has been a strange personal hell I've found myself in.


    I finally managed the timing of the eye drops with the lunar cycles and the clearing of the skies, and... Wednesday night, for the first time in I don't know how long, I saw the moon.

    That same night, I hung out with my favorite person - a person I've not seen in months, who picked me off the ground with the force of his hug hello.

    Also... I really do like where I live, and the people who surround me. For someone who often can't leave the house, my life is pretty interesting.

    Here are some awesome pictures that Roommate Yao Xiao took of me recently with her film camera:

    • CommentTimeJul 17th 2011
    This week has been hard work and hard play.

    I got my iPhone Games Development book and I had to change my pants, it is so awesome. I geek out for textbooks.
    On Wednesday night, I went to a friend's place that she is housesitting. It's like I saw my future. A tiny, 2 bedroom house in Brooklyn with a backyard and fancy kitchen with a balcony. There were also two dumb, tiny boston terriers. And my friend, who is such a pretty lady that I admire and have a huge crush on. We tried to do some crafting together, but mostly just cuddled on the couch while watching movies & Game of Thrones. And whatnots.
    From there, our friend who was also at Craft Night drove me and my other friend to our friend's wedding in New Jersey. It was a hilarious wedding that went well for so long - rehearsal dinner was totally sane, the wedding went off without a hitch (it had tiny Star Wars details like she was wearing a Millenium Falcon fascinator and R2s as wedding cake toppers) and the reception was also lovely. Open bar all night! We all got together and danced and sang the bride's favourite song from when we met at Drinking Thursday a long, long time ago in a bar that doesn't even exist any more. I forgot how much I missed her.
    Of course, then after all that came the wackiness that is my friend and her now husband. We broke into the hotel jacuzzi, were threatened with arrest, a fist fight almost broke out and there were really uncomfortable drunken conversations had by all. It's hilarious to look back on. I used an iPhone app to make a panoramic photo of 13 people sitting behind a line of tables recreating the Last Supper. It seamed together beautifully and they were thrilled.
    Came home Saturday afternoon to immediately go to the Lost Circus party Rachael mentioned. It's the first time in a long time I've been to a big huge party and wasn't assigned any manner of responsibilities. A lot of my friends were there doing different and beautiful things - live-drawing, aerials, playing music on stage, showing off videos, slinging some fancy as fuck absinthe, running beautiful music making machines, live silkscreening and just generally looking beautiful. My piece was sold off in the auction - I did a painting for the first time in over a year that was essentially for myself. It involved gold leaf that was leafed onto some organic size drips and splatters. I'm getting into playing with making grungy, organic splatters and shapes and brushstrokes into gold leafed creations. I love this medium. I met a beautiful woman at the party from Seattle who was equally excited about laser cutting and stencils and my gilding projects. I hope she moves here and we can be friends.

    I'm depressed as hell these days, but the people around me are keeping the spirits high. Life can be so good and so cruel all at once.

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