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    • CommentAuthorBankara
    • CommentTimeAug 3rd 2011
    My friends and I host a once-monthly bad movie night and we have come across some un-fucking-believable shit to watch but "The Green Hornet" was amazingly not the worst. "Gun" may be the worst movie I have ever seen. Screen debut of 50 Cent as the living embodiment of why white folks should be scared of black folks and still failed to do anything that resembled acting. Also, a corpulent Val Kilmer (big as John Goodman, I swear to what gods will listen) and clearly only in it for the donuts and blow.
    "Passion Play" was so bad we actually had to turn it off. Mickey Rourke is a trumpet player on the run from the mob, Megan Fox is a freak show performer with wings like an angel. Bonus: Bill Murray is the gangster they are running from. So bad that I never even made it that far.
    For the absolute worst thing I can think of I can only mention "Lizstomania." Roger Daltry plays Franz Lizst as the classical composer locked in a Heaven VS Hell battle with Wagner. Wagner is a nazi frankenstein monster at the end and Roger Daltry blows him up in a cathedral pipe organ spaceship. No fucking joke. I saw this in high school and was sick for days afterwards. Possibly the illness was unrelated but I don't think so.
    • CommentTimeAug 4th 2011
    reign of fire would have ben better if they hadn't KILLED THE ONLY FEMALE AND SAVED HUMANITY FOREVER!
    • CommentAuthorDC
    • CommentTimeAug 4th 2011
    8 Mile - I always thought it was about Eminem's way into the hip-hop business. I caught it on TV and in the end I was really frustrated because the movie is about... nothing? Ok, he's a white boy trying to leave a dead-end suburb, bangs a chick, gets his ass kicked, works on a auto-shop... yeah, so?

    Am I alone on this?
    • CommentAuthorDC
    • CommentTimeAug 4th 2011
    League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - has anyone mentioned this one? I was really curious about the books because of all the hype when it was published in my country and when the movie premiered, there were some newspaper paying a lot of attention to it. I decided to see the movie prior to reading the books to see what it was all about and... what a pile of steaming sheit it was!! How the hell that crap had so much attention on the newspaper's cinema sections?! I kept expecting something that would justify all the hype during the whole movie. Because of it, I postponed the purchase of books to the point where I was looking for it when they were sold out in every bookshop (later I got the original comics very cheap on a comics shop sale).
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeAug 4th 2011
    The film : WALK LIKE A MAN.

    The "Star" : Howie Mandel.

    I win. Trust me, THERE IS NOT ONE GOOD THING ABOUT THIS FILM, except that it might induce vomiting. It's like "Being There" only with Howie Mandel doing animal impersonations. Feel like suicide yet? I know I sure do.
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeAug 4th 2011 edited
    Reign of Fire is unfairly maligned because it's a completely different movie than the marketing made it look like. It's a post-apocalyptic survival movie where the apocalypse happened to be FUCKING DRAGONS, and it was sold as ARMIES OF FUCKING DRAGONS DOGFIGHTING ATTACK HELICOPTERS OVER LONDON!

    Which is pretty much why I didn't like it: The movie they made it look like would have been awesome!

    BUT - your point about it not being what it was sold as is very true. Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing how much of the movie I actively disliked, and how much of it I was just disappointed by because I was expecting something else.

    That said, my point about Matthew McGodhe'spretty and his axe still stands - why, oh why?

    For the absolute worst thing I can think of I can only mention "Lizstomania." Roger Daltry plays Franz Lizst as the classical composer locked in a Heaven VS Hell battle with Wagner. Wagner is a nazi frankenstein monster at the end and Roger Daltry blows him up in a cathedral pipe organ spaceship. No fucking joke. I saw this in high school and was sick for days afterwards. Possibly the illness was unrelated but I don't think so.

    Again, that sounds like such a fucking awesome movie! I'll take your word for it that it's a piece of smeary drek, but it at least sounds like it'd make for a great drinking game movie.
  1.  (10077.227)
    The thing about Lizstomania is that it's the height of Ken Russell's madness, and is thus awesome in a very bad way indeed.
    • CommentAuthorThe Brad
    • CommentTimeAug 4th 2011
    Reign of Fire is good BECAUSE of Matthew McConaughey and his stupid giant pointless axe. I could watch Van Zan chew on his cigar and bark at british people all day. All. Day.
  2.  (10077.229)
    To quote one of my friend's dad after watching ANY movie. "yeah, that movie was alright, but it wasn't no god damn Reign of Fire" Man loves him some Reign of Fire.
    • CommentAuthorcardo
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011
    What about anything with 'Rowdy Roddy Piper' as the headline star, like, say..... Hell comes to Frogtown?
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011 edited

    Let's see...
    Hulk Hogan
    No Holds Barred
    Suburban Commando
    Mr Nanny
    to name a few

    The Rock
    ...too many to mention

    Stone Cold Steve Austin
    ...see The Rock

    Rowdy Roddy Piper
    ...see above (@cardo)

    John Cena (met him the other day)

    ...and so on...

    Except Goldberg. Hasn't been the star in anything (to my knowledge), but the in few things he has appeared, he's been okay. And funny as hell.
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011
    Hey, nobody better be talkin' shit about They Live.
    • CommentAuthorcardo
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011
    @DJ Stawes - I was careful not to mention the Carpenter cult classic. See, I'm thinking about others feelings. How nice.
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011 edited
    Where to begin...

    In my professional life as a subtitler (mostly English to Swedish, but also the other direction), I have run across some staggeringly bad movies in my day. I once did a group of three The Room-quality films - in that they were obviously low-budget vanity projects that would never really be released and that are so obscure as to not even be mentioned on IMDB. Oh, how I wish I had saved those movie files. Most notable was a "comedy" which seemed to have been created by some guy who had decided that he could be Eddie Murphy and Robert Townsend in one. It just ended up playing out like a series of scatological show-and-tell sketches performed by homeless people, with the director/writer in various stereotypical roles such as pimp and about-to-be-raped prison inmate. I think it was called Pure, but I can find no info on it anywhere.

    Another candidate for worst movie, and one where I would have loved to have saved the movie file was a Swedish film that ended up being called Fragments of an Unfinished Journey. This is one of the most pretentious yet entirely pointless films ever made. Excuse me while I go on a rant.

    It's sort of a documentary, but with some fictional narrative sequences that make even the most pseudo-intellectual drivel look profound by comparison. The director, a young rising star in the Swedish film world with some praised short films and TV movies under his belt, decides to go to the Swedish film institute to have them fund a project he's thought up; take two camper cars, two movie cameras and a skeleton crew through Europe, shooting as they go on a film that they will also write as they go. Oh, this just can't go wrong in any way.

    So the documentary about this (utterly failed) project is then intercut with what little they actually managed to film (mostly people walking about or sitting in bars with helpful voice-overs on the meaning of life) and some pretty wooden reconstructions of the director's brother trying to to produce the film from Sweden that have obviously been added later.

    The crew, the director and the actors fight, argue, do drugs and spout nonsense through Copenhagen, Berlin and Amsterdam for over an hour until they reach Barcelona. They shoot some scenes of the protagonist (the director's other brother) staggering through that city's medieval quarter at night. Then they decide "Hey, let's shoot at La Sagrada Familia at dawn, man, that's going to be epic!".

    At this point, the camera fails, so the attempt at shooting outside Gaudís legendary cathedral, with two exhausted, drug-addled brothers embracing in the pale morning sun, ends up being told through black and white stills and a voice-over interview clip with the sound guy, who has the balls to say "When the camera failed, that's when I knew this movie was finally a real movie". You know what? No.

    Like I said, I really wish I had this film to share with the world as The Most Pretentious Drivel Ever Shot.

    For Big Hollywood Worst Film, my nomination is Braveheart. I cannot believe that a film so pointlessly brutal and unsatisfying in every creative aspect was so well-received. Otherwise, Quantum of Solace and the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie are films that I couldn't even watch more than halfway, but they're also pretty universally panned, I think.

    As for low-budget MST3K-worthy fare, my nomination goes to R.O.T.O.R, a 1988 Robocop ripoff that manages to do everything poorly, not least the lead character's name (Captain Coldyron) and his inexplicably dubbed voice.

    Someone has been kind enough to put all of it up on Youtube. R.O.T.O.R Part 1 of 9.
  3.  (10077.235)
    As far as Roddy Piper goes, I will forever stand by Hell Comes To Frogtown.
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011
    Ooh! I just remembered...

    HP Lovecraft's From Beyond

    Awesomely bad.
    Jeffrey Combs.
    Sucking out Pituitary(?) glands (the one at the front of the brain) through the eyesockets.

  4.  (10077.237)
    I can't find a video clip of this anywhere online, so you're just going to have to trust me or perhaps your gut when you read the word "ciné-poem."

    Title: Prometheus (Tony Harrison, 1998) (reviews: 1, 2)

    Circumstances of experience: Lived in the north of England near an arty cinema that I was close to living in and was drawn in by the potential of an interesting film experience. Not even the fact that you could bring beer into the theater could make this enjoyable, though.

    Reasons for soulchunder revulsion: Achingly slow. Miners get smelt into a huge golden statue of Prometheus, which then tours around Europe, including Auschwitz, followed by an actual damn Greek chorus on a barge and made up of women in tinsel wigs. Did I mention the whole thing is in rhyming verse? Honestly, Harrison's words are sometimes wondrous (the scathing Walter Sparrow as the smoker in the cinema has some fine moments), but it doesn't even begin to make up for this. According to IMDB, the film is 130 minutes long, but I would have guessed it was at least twice that. If you thought Crash beat you over the head with its message, this thing is like a 40-foot-tall statue hitting you over the head with the theme of how we use our advances in civilization in the worst dehumanizing ways.
  5.  (10077.238)
    I own Hell Comes to Frogtown and They Live. I am a Roddy Piper fan.

    I also own another Roddy Piper movie, Sci-Fighters. What a clever title!

    So, so, sooooooo bad.
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011 edited
    THEY LIVE IS AWESOME. If you don't like it, PUT ON THE GLASSES.

    • CommentAuthorThe Brad
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011 edited
    @Teaflax, I also think Braveheart is bloated, overrated, and incredibly cheesy. But, like Gladiator, I can watch it and enjoy it for the head bashing and whatnot, but I don't understand how it won or was even CONSIDERED for best picture.

    But the most egregious example of bloated period-epic to win Best Picture? Dances With Wolves. What. The. Fuck. Over Goodfellas, no less. Dances with wolves is absolutely painful to watch.

    P.S. A cursory glance of its Wikipedia entry and I now know that I need to see Hell Comes To Frogtown, fucking STAT. Three sequels? God where have I been?