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Culturegasm: Worst. Movie. Ever.

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    •  
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2011 edited
     (10077.281)
    I have a theory that if Stephanie Meyer had simply come up with a new word for what her creatures were, instead of just going with "vampire," I'd have little to no problem with the books (or movies or comics or T-shirts or lunchboxes or... god dammit, some people get all the luck).
  2.  (10077.282)
    Title: Smokin' Aces
    CE: Finally watched borrowed DVD just so the evilness could leave my shelf.
    R(s)fSR:

    1.The first hour. All exposition, clumsily handled, badly paced.
    2. Bad stereotypes - Tremor Brothers and "Team Georgia" are the worst offenders by far.
    3. Dialogue. Specifically, any dialogue between members of "Team Georgia". Very bad/good example of someone learning how African-Americans' speak solely through the mediums of bad (50 cent bad) rap albums and Quentin Tarantino movies.
    4. The fact that there was a smart film in there just waiting to break out, but some idiot decided to try and cram it in to a (very) bloody action movie/gun-porn body-suit that never quite fit with the main plot.
    5. The ending. Everything is explained, but the final action of the film isn't justified well enough.

    In summary: This is two films in one. If they had focused it solely on the gun-porn element touted so loudly in the trailers, this could have been a fantastic and forgettable action blockbuster on a grand scale. On the other hand, if they had toned down the cartoon nature of the violence and focused on a smaller, character driven cast, this could have been an intense thriller. Ultimately, I think it failed to appeal properly to either fan base. The pure action fans I know would probably have fallen asleep before the action actually kicked off. The thriller fans I know all thought it was a pure action flick, because that's the way it was marketed. A missed opportunity for both genres and almost two hours of my life I will never, ever get back.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2011
     (10077.283)
    @Alan Tyson

    I can't agree with you more.
    •  
      CommentAuthorD.J.
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2011
     (10077.284)
    Okay, I just saw Cowboys & Aliens and am really absolutely dumbfounded by how bad it was. I wasn't expecting a great film here, but wow. Below there be spoilers.

    So, the movie starts off with James Bond being as wooden as possible because that is what all them movie type cowboys do, right? All he does the whole movie is stand there being wooden, except for when he springs to life to threaten or fight something. It's like Jon Favreau just watched a Clint Eastwood marathon and thought, yeah, that's cool, but how about instead of being Clint Eastwood, we take that and strip him of any semblance of personality, because being as stoic as possible is what makes Blondie so great. Anyway, Statue McThroaty (his throat is the most animated part of him, I swear) wakes up in the middle of nowhere right as some, uh... I would like to say their bandits, but it seems like they're just kind of dicks. So three dicks ride up on Daniel, point a gun at him and figure they'll take him into town to see if there's a bounty on his head. But Mr. Bond has amnesia, which leads to him figuring that he should just be safe and kill them all. Then he takes a horse and a dog and wanders into town anyway.

    Upon arriving in the town, there is no one anywhere in sight. By the way, Bond has had a gut wound this whole time, and he decides now would be a good time to check that out, so he goes into a house nearby to clean himself up and whatnot. Then a preacher who must have been in the house the whole time decides to pop out, after Bond has rummaged about his place and rinsed his face with water, to point a gun at him and then decide with literally no sort of convincing he's ought to stitch up his wound. I would like to point out that he has this stitched up wound this whole movie and there is no reason whatsoever that it doesn't just tear open and slowly kill him about half an hour in. Okay, so he's stitched up. We hear gunshots outside. They go to investigate.

    All of a sudden there are TONS OF PEOPLE in the town. Where were they ten minutes ago? I have no fucking clue, because while this isn't a particularly large town, it is clearly active enough to not be a deserted. Let's move things along a bit now. Paul Dano starts being a huge douchebag because his dad owns the town, Bond knees him in the groin, Dano freaks out and randomly shoots a deputy in the shoulder. Jail time for Dano, but then Bond get thrown in with him because it turns out he DID have a bounty on his head after all! Whoops.

    Maybe I'll get back and explain the rest of this terrible film later, but here's one thing that really irked me: What is the deal with the aliens? Nothing about them is explained. They're here for gold? Harrison Ford makes a joke about it, end of discussion. They're immune to bullets? Oh, wait. Now they're dieing from bullets. No, now they're immune to them again. Spears work fine for some reason? They just clubbed one on the back of the head and it knocked it out? Bullets still aren't really working? One of their wristband gun things can blow up their entire ship for some reason? They like to hug little kids? What is that little kid doing there? Why are they abducting people? Why is anything anything?

    I could go on.
    •  
      CommentAuthorLazarus99
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
     (10077.285)
    absolutely dumbfounded by how bad it was


    Really? You were expecting more? Keeping in mind that stupid doesn't necessarily mean unfun?
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
     (10077.286)
    This is a hard one...for some reason The Spirit entered head at first. I guess because ive always been a big lover of Miller and found Sin City loyal to source I had quite high expectations. I found myself cringing saying out loud (to self) "Ah Frank, mate,wot you doing man!" The sound FX got to me. All weird and quirky and NO!!
    •  
      CommentAuthorD.J.
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
     (10077.287)
    @Lazarus

    I didn't really get to the point of touching on how bland and all over the place it was, but yes. I was expecting a somewhat enjoyable action flick.
  8.  (10077.288)
    Title: Cats & Dogs: The revenge of Kitty Galore

    Circumstance: While vacationing in the US, US friends who were really nostalgic for Warner Bros. toons wanted to watch the new 3D Wile E. Coyote thing that played beforehand. Somehow we ended up also watching the movie.

    Reasons for soulchunder all over the theatre: We already know that the current trend of making kids' movies with real animals with CGI-animated talking mouths is the work of Tobias Funke, analrapist. Take this and put it into a horribly done forced-3D (with downright broken 3D in places) movie with no soul. NO SOUL! And also stuff it to the brim with awful and constant "LOL DOGS AND CATS" puns that make the visual "look at this thing that we turned into a car" jokes in the Cars movies feel like deep and intricate Victorian-era plots between kings and their thousand named subjects. It makes fluttering bird-cars feel like freaking Game of Thrones. And there are fart jokes OF COURSE there are fart jokes. And they use awfully done puppets when they don't feel like animating a cat even though it breaks with the visuals of the movie even more than a CGI cat would among all these real animals dressed in CGI effects. It's a Lowest Common Denominator kids' movie at its very worst. I almost felt like watching "Up" just to clean my brain of the dumb afterwards.

    It's sad that this is probably the best part of the movie. The weird white cat-puppet has some mildly amusing lines that are immediately ruined by the other characters going "WHOA LIKE WHAT?"
    •  
      CommentAuthorLazarus99
    • CommentTimeAug 24th 2011
     (10077.289)
    @DJ Stawes

    So, not fun in any way then? Dammmit!
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeAug 30th 2011
     (10077.290)
    Ok, I'm not quite certain if it lives up to Max Payne or Skyline levels of bad but Conan the Barbarian.

    I will now provide you a short list of things in this movie that made no sense:
    1. Conan's father's inexplicable gynecological knowledge that allows him to perform an emergency c-section on his mortally wounded wife, one-handed, with a dagger, without looking, and without stabbing his newborn son.
    2. How ancient necromancers made a Cthulhu-fetish mask out of normal human bones. Seriously, it looked like they skinned an octopus' lower half (and kept the anus, if octopi have anuses) and turned it into a mask. That's supposed to be human bone? Really?
    3. Slaver-seeking boulders. Conan's men free some slaves by dropping a bunch of boulders onto a slave camp and, MIRACULOUSLY, no slaves are crushed beneath hundreds of pounds of rolling, rocky death.
    4. Conan is made of sex-inducing muscles so that even though he and his men just dropped a couple tons of rocks onto some slavers and stabbed the rest who weren't squished, the women who were hanging out in cages getting oggled at and whipped totally want to jump his bones RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
    5. The landboat or, as my friend Amy put it, the MOBILE OPPRESSION PALACE (which is such a better name). I kid you not this is a boat, complete with masts, rigging, prow, and crows nest, only on land, on the backs of elephants, led by slaves. WHY?! Why is there a landboat? The landboat doesn't even do anything except accept trebuchet shot and crash through an archway Zym's soldiers were easily able to ride under. There's no point! And there's one scene where the boat is on the ground and the elephants are milling about at night. How the hell do they get it off and on the elephants? Gah!
    6. Ruins. Ruins everywhere. Wherever there needs to be a scene there's ruins. Ruins with chains to hit horses with. Ruins with stacks and stacks of leaky oil amphorae to be lit on fire. Easily destroyed ruins to use for unknown reasons for human sacrifice. Hyborea is nothing but one big ruin.
    7. Conan, Tamara, and his friend the captain are sailing on completely open water in one scene, not a spec of dirt in sight, and in the very next they're right near land to make it more plausable when they are attacked by two dinghies worth of bad guys. Because a boat teleporting miles over becalmed waters to be near land is SO much more believable than the bad guys rowing through the open sea without being spotted and catching up to a three-masted ship. Riiiiight.
    8. How Conan leaves the boat on a rocky, wind-swept, craggy cliff to be chased down by Tamara for the sex. And the sex takes place in an unexplainable stone house beneath a cliff. Who would build a house there? How did Conan know about the house? How are there piles and piles of fresh hay for them to bang on in what essentially looks like the Grand Canyon? Why, after the sex, is Tamara then walking through a forest that looks suspiciously like the Moon of Endor to be captured by Zym's soldiers who magically knew right where to get her?
    9. A thief has the keys to Zym's city and knows all the secret entrances. He doesn't pick the locks, oh no, he has a ring of keys to every lock in the sewer. AND YET HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THE TENTACLE SEWER SARLACC.
    10. Speaking of which, the whole scene with the Dweller in the Depths. When the Sarlacc in Return of the Jedi has a higher kill count than you, then you know you need to go back to creepy monster school.
    11. The part where Conan climbs up to the very highest tower of Zym's city only to watch a procession of cultists, led by Zym, taking Tamara out of the city to the geologically unsound Skull Rock. Because, let's face it, it makes total sense to leave your city with its high walls and richly appointed palace with its army of guards to take a bunch of wimpy cultists to a cave that a sneeze could collapse that has no spiritual/mystical significance to perform your very important ritual.
    12. The whole scene where they reawaken the mask. First of all, the mask has an anus that drinks Tamara's blood. Secondly, why are you going to take your one, precious resource that it took you twenty years to find (aka Tamara) and chain her to a circular frame which you will then suspend over a chasm hundreds of feet deep with lava at the bottom? Especially when you then want to use her body to house the spirit of your beloved, long dead creepster wife? I know that it might not be my thing, but if I was being brought back from the dead after two decades of rotting in the ground, I wouldn't want to be put in mortal peril immediately upon returning to life.
    13. The mask. The mask, really, is the final straw. I mean, when the voice of God (aka Morgan Freeman) talks it up, he makes it sound like the mask is some artifact of unimaginable power, allowing whoever wears it to conquer nations and subjugate entire races of men. What we get is half a Face Hugger/Head Crab that has the ability to create ill-timed earthquakes below caverns with more cracks in them than a plumbers convention as well as the power to not quite bring people back from the dead. I mean, seriously, if that was the extent of the power of the mask I can't really see what the fuss was about, especially when this mask packs more oomph.

    Please don't see this movie. Don't watch it in the theater, don't rent it, don't even download a pirated movie. If you want to see Conan the Barbarian, go watch Conan kill a giant snake and listen to James Earl Jones complain about it. That is, disturbingly enough, the better movie.
    •  
      CommentAuthorD.J.
    • CommentTimeSep 12th 2011
     (10077.291)
  12.  (10077.292)
    I rather liked Cowboys & Aliens.

    On the topic in general, I usually find something to enjoy in really very bad movies (although Solomon Kane was pushing it). What gets me are films that are actually unpleasant on an ideas level (Baise-Moi comes to mind, also Youth in Revolt -- complained about over here).
  13.  (10077.293)
    I walked out of Goonies, but managed to sit through The Avengers. So I have a 50-50 rate of self-preservation.
  14.  (10077.294)
    Finally saw Thor, and it sucked so badly that it created a naked singularity on the cinema screen.

    Kristen Stewart nails everything that's awful about Thor here.
  15.  (10077.295)
    ...in a rant that consists primarily of her saying "it sucked" over and over. Not convinced. :)
    It was not a great movie, but worst ever? Not even close.
    •  
      CommentAuthorSonny
    • CommentTimeSep 14th 2011
     (10077.296)
    Whenever the term "pretentious" gets thrown around a bit (which was like 6 pages ago, so I'm late as fuck), in relation to anything, I always like to point people towards one of my favorite WARREN ELLIS quotes of all-time:

    There’s not often a lot of connections made within comics,
    Defining the parameters of the cultural conversation. What
    Paul Morley did in WORDS AND MUSIC, defining the
    cultural space and connective tissue between Alvin Lucier
    and Kylie Minogue, say… not a lot of that. We’re deathly
    afraid of that stabbing word “pretentious,” the word that
    students use to curse each other’s ambition. It’s a young
    person’s word, a shortcut-to-thinking word.
    I’m a big fan of pretension. It means “an aspiration or intention
    that may or may not reach fulfillment.” It doesn’t mean
    failing upward. It means trying to exceed your grasp. Which
    is how things grow.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeSep 14th 2011
     (10077.297)
    I have to concur with Jason A. Quest.
  18.  (10077.298)
    Hmm, Thor was crappy but got to say that that review by Kristen Stewart was even crappier. Of all the things worth bitching, she picked up the fact that there was no technical explanation about how bifrost works? WTF.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeSep 15th 2011
     (10077.299)
    Or that we weren't given a character sheet detailing his list of powers.
  20.  (10077.300)
    Thor is my favourite film released this year. No joke.

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