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Culturegasm: Worst. Movie. Ever.

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    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
     (10077.321)
    @lucien

    My brother described it as "Shark-tooth Ugly People vs. Pretty Aliens"
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
     (10077.322)
    I still think The Passion of Christ was a fookin awful thing to squirm through..found it more disturbing and pointless than a million golden showers xxx wank fest sad porno internet sic site snuff troma 1920's joan crawford hard core heed job black and white grainy drive in Ed Gein Hershell Gordon Lewis bits of meat Russ Meyer blah blah blah..excuse me grammer..me can't be arsed to try and spell at moment
    • CommentAuthorlucien
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
     (10077.323)
    @RenThing

    i think he was being kind. not one thing i even kind of liked, or thought was clever. not one damned thing.
    •  
      CommentAuthorD.J.
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
     (10077.324)
    @lucien
    Timothy Olyphant?
    • CommentAuthorlucien
    • CommentTimeOct 14th 2011
     (10077.325)
    @ DJ Stawes

    could barely recognize him it was so bad. also, i'm not his biggest fan.
    • CommentAuthorDavie
    • CommentTimeOct 15th 2011
     (10077.326)
    Eragon.

    I was thirteen when it came out and I thought the books were the bestest things evar. So of course I went to see the movie, and even my middle-school self realized what crap it was.

    Soulchunder revulsion caused by somehow taking an already hideously cliched and derivative plot and making it even less interesting, while leaving out the few elements that made the book even slightly worthwhile, i.e. the city in the volcanic crater and the dogmatic dwarves vs. atheist elves. The most tragic thing about it was the fact that good actors' careers were forever tainted by the film. The best thing about it was watching these guys be completely aware that they were in a terrible film. John Malkovich sounded consistently bored, like he just wanted to get his scenes over with so he could go off and be in a better movie, Garrett Hedlund had a difficult time not cracking up after reciting some of his stupider lines, and Jeremy Irons, bless the man, actually gave the mentally inept script his best, despite obviously knowing it was barely worth the effort.

    But yes, it was awful. The only movie I've seen that came close to its level of awfulness was the Day of the Dead remake, which was the most boring fucking zombie film I have ever seen, and didn't even have the benefit of somewhat competent acting.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 15th 2011
     (10077.327)
    Aye...i'm a big zombie fan and the remake of Day of the Dead really pissed me off...i fooking hated it!
  8.  (10077.328)
    @Davie: Jeremy Irons is an expert at taking cheesy scripts and shamelessly hamming his way through them, enjoying himself every step of the way. He's the reason why the otherwise terrible first "Dungeons & Dragons" movie is so hilarious.
    •  
      CommentAuthorbrittanica
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2011 edited
     (10077.329)
    Flecky brought up Day of the Dead (ETA: just noticed Davie brought it up first, so now I'm mad at both of you!), so now I finally have a reason to post in this thread. I couldn't even get through the first 20 minutes of that movie. Mostly because a fucking zombie was crawling on the fucking ceiling of a hospital. I LOVED the Romero Day of the Dead, so to see a ridiculously generic zombie movie prancing around, going by that name, when it barely has anything in common w/ the movie it's supposedly "remaking"...
    At least Dawn of the Dead had a mall.
    •  
      CommentAuthorMShades
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2011 edited
     (10077.330)
    For reasons that are still unclear to me, my brother and I saw Battlefield Earth in the movie theater. About halfway through, a thunderstorm rolled in and the theater lost power for about 30 seconds. Everyone was up and putting their jackets back on and we were all looking forward to getting a free movie voucher or something, and then the most horrible thing happened - the power came back on and the movie started up again.

    In a show of being a Good Boyfriend, I watched the entire Sex & the City oeuvre. I still haven't decided what to inflict upon him as revenge.

    A co-worker recommended that I watch Audition by Takashi Miike. Why hate it? Because it lies to you. It starts as what looks like a slightly weird romance between an older man and a younger woman and then... it's not. I had to pause the DVD and go out to have a cigarette before I could finish.

    Finally, Pulp Fiction. This may be an issue of circumstances - all my friends saw it about a year before I did, and for all that time it was Pulp Fiction music, Pulp Fiction quotes, Pulp Fiction posters.... When I finally saw it, with a different group of friends, I thought it was a senseless mishmash that was only saved from utter, indescribable crapdom by Sam Jackson. I hated the characters (again, Sam aside) I hated the style, I hated the editing. I hated Bruce Willis, which hurt more than words can say. I hated it so much that I went back to my dorm, woke up my roommate from a sound sleep and said, "If you EVER quote Pulp Fiction to me again, as God is my witness I will drop you where you stand."

    Man, I hated that movie.
    •  
      CommentAuthorJack_Crow
    • CommentTimeNov 16th 2011 edited
     (10077.331)
    was checking this thread but i couldnt get pass someone considering "in the mouth of madness" on this thread....what was that, not understanding the movie means that you put it here? because then we're all damned and fucked. I can get people not liking it, but on the WORST. MOVIE. EVER.? really? whatever.

    to add something i havent seen here, I gave you "titanic 2" - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titanic_II

    go check it, movies from The Asylum culd get on that list EASILY
  12.  (10077.332)
    I watched Conan. I dug it. It's not perfect, and probably my complete and nearly bottomless hatred for the Arnold movies might be a factor. Ron Perlman was awesome, the story was pure pulp fan service and I loved every bit of it.
    •  
      CommentAuthortedcroland
    • CommentTimeNov 17th 2011
     (10077.333)
    @flecky I am no-joke writing a paper on religion in cinema and I so badly want to reference that review of Passion, but I feel like it will not be as appreciated as I want it to be.

    Wanna know a fun fact about The Passion of the Christ? There's an ongoing merchandising campaign! How Christian.
  14.  (10077.334)
    Worst film ever? I'd go for Deep Impact, the only film I've ever wanted to walk out of the cinema from. I don't know what it was about it, but I started actively rooting for the comet. I've never been so happy to see a natural disaster occur. Sadly Elijah Wood was spared a watery death.

    Honourable mention to Scary Movie, which was just a gigantic mess, spectacularly undercut by Scream 2 sending itself up better than the spoof ever managed.
    • CommentAuthorIsaacSher
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2011
     (10077.335)
    The first movie I remember *really* having the urge to walk out of was Soapdish. I know it has its fans, but I think this is one of those movies that you'll only really enjoy if you're already obsessed with Soap Operas -- otherwise, the film has nothing for you.

    More recently, a friend and I only *barely* made it through Ong-Bak 2. I wasn't expecting a good plot; the first movie was rather shallow but made up for it with balls to the wall awesome fights and stunts. But 2? Bloated, meandering, and badly-paced fight scenes. The only nice thing I could say about it was "oh, that was a nice kick just now", and then I'd have to wait half an hour before I could say something similar again.

    I think Frank Miller's The Spirit takes the cake, though. I *could not finish* that fucker. The final straw came when the midget bellhop eagerly identified the femme fatale by the *photocopy of her ass* that the Spirit showed him. Done.
  16.  (10077.336)
    @Frank Miller's The Spirit

    What I was expecting was a Sin City style comic flick, with some hot chicks. This wasn't Will Eisner's The Spirit. I was somewhat okay with that, not as a great movie or anything, but as eye candy.

    It had that, but with worse dialog than any soft-core porn ever made. The "banter" between the chief and that annoying female cop was just horrible. I think they just repeated each other's lines for infinity.
  17.  (10077.337)
    "Water For Elephants."

    Trust me, it makes Lifetime look legitimate.

    I just saw the first five minutes, only worth it because of Hal Holbrook, and then bolted to here.

    Robert Pattinson has a hell of a lot of work to make me like him now.
  18.  (10077.338)
    Really? I thought about giving it a shot. But sparkly Tweenlight guy made me keep my distance.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2011
     (10077.339)
    @ Jack Crow:I agree with you about In the mouth of madness.It is what it is.Personally i found it a good laugh and a bit creepy in parts.

    But worst film ever? This horror addict can't really see that.

    Still,we are all entitled to our own opinions so 'nuff said.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2011
     (10077.340)
    @flecky

    Agreed. ItMoM isn't a cinematic masterpiece, and it hasn't aged well, but the sheer Lovecraftian fucking that Sam Neill's character goes through? God damn. "Did I ever tell you my favorite color is blue?"

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