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  1.  (10077.21)
    Inland Empire.
    Rented DVD.

    Returned it an hour or so in. I can't describe the movie coherantly at this point beyond 'he had a new camcorder and was playing with it' and 'my brain leaked out my ears from dullness and ran screaming away'.

    Since that time I've recommended it as the best movie ever to people I don't like.
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeJul 26th 2011 edited
    New Rose Hotel.

    Willem Dafoe, Cristopher Walker, Asia Argento. Based on a William Gibson short story. Produced in the same era that gave birth to the story itself. This should have, if nothing else, been a fun, decent flick.

    Oh no, my friends.

    Oh NO.

    I mean, who ISN'T taking the piss in this scene?

    And, I'm sorry, but even Willem Dafoe cannot rock a soul patch. This is coming from a man who wore one for half of high school.
  2.  (10077.23)
    @Chris Blakeley - Peter Jackson's King Kong

    Argh! It burns!

    By the time they were fighting the giant bugs I just wanted them all to die. FUCKING DIE.
  3.  (10077.24)
    Title: The Big Hit

    Circumstances: Like half of my pals, I was a John Woo fan in the 90's, and seeing him being involved in The Big Hit made us rent it. Whee, hongkonguesque action. NO. The humor was bad. It was bad in the way Hong Kong movies are at their worst, but which the local actors can somehow carry and turn into mere groaners. Replace the actors with Western guys, and you get stuff so stupid you scream your eyeballs out.

    This is the first movie ever I remember quitting in the middle, since I just couldn't bear it - and there have been three of those. One was Chronicles of Riddick, but I didn't really quit it intentionally, I just wandered out of the room to do something and forgot to come back, going "oh, wasn't I watching a movie" in an hour or so, and the third was 1996 Black Mask (IIRC, that sounds like it).

    Well, all of us quit The Big Hit in the middle and proceeded to get drunk. My pal and fiancé watched the film to the end in the morning, all hangoverish and mellow. It didn't get any better in the end, apparently.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Jesus...I'm a little worried at the number of films mentioned here that I own...and, on occasion, like...
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011 edited
    @Vornaskotti - Aw but the Trace-busta-busta-busta! And the Trace-busta-busta-busta-busta! Ah well someone's unwatchable is someone else's so fantastically awful it's good. Well, maybe not good, but I find some masochistic pleasure in movies ride off the rails and just keep going. I enjoyed the outtakes a lot, and Avery Brooks gnawing the scenery never gets old.

    Like someone else said I do tend to forget horribly awful movies, or at least forget a much of the details as possible. I know I saw the first Transformers when hanging out with a friend who just loved it (I didn't get it then and I don't get it now), but I snuck a little 500ml bottle of Jack Daniels with me to spike my Coke. That at least made the ridiculous bits rather funny, though unfortunately the bits that were supposed to be funny just came out dull.

    Another friend dragged me to Wanted. Story was stupid as shit and I've never been more sure that an actor's motive in a given scene was the paycheck more than when I was watching Morgan Freeman try to be a bad guy but ultimately not give a shit. I am not an Angelina Jolie fan so my friend squeeing on and on about how awesome her ass is and how terrific she is for saving babies in Africa and because she bi and isn't that great... (said friend is a bi female) just grated because none of that saves what I think is mediocre acting.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011 edited
    I have no evidence to back this up, because the internet has no info on it whatsoever (which must be some kind of first).

    The worst Movie I have ever seen was a movie called ROOSTER.

    ROOSTER tells the story of a humble cocker* and his coming-of-age son - set against a back drop of the cock-fighting underworld.
    It has a peeping tom midget, more references to 'cocking' than you can shake a stick at, and some of the most blatant Pepsi product placement I have ever seen. Also, some of the worst 'acting' this side of Porn. Totally Fucking Amazing.

    My mate had this on VHS along with a thousand other great '80's B-movies inherited from his Dad's defunct video-rental store. this was also the source of my second entry below:


    The second worst movie I have ever seen is an Aussie movie called HARD KNUCKLE - a sub-Mad Max post-apocalyptic Australian movie where the only money to be made (it appears) is in high-stakes Pool games - with a gimmick being if the player's ball knocks over a block in the middle of the table the player has to sacrifice a digit - hence the title..

    Our hero faces many challenges before he can face his ultimate foe, and finds romance along the way. It's a load of old tosh, but fun.


    (* A Cocker is apparently the term for someone who participates in cock-fighting).
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Title: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (no, I shit you not)

    Circumstances of experience: Some friends of mine and I were at the video rental store (just to give you a rough estimate of how long ago this was) and couldn't decide on what to watch. My best friend at the time, who had shit for taste in movies and still does, picks up TCM:TNG and says, "Hey, this has Matthew McCounahey (or however you spell his name), it can't be that bad." He was fucking wrong. He then pulled the "It's my car what got us here and if you fuckers don't go along with what I want you can walk your asses back home." He had his movie-choosing privileges revoked after this.

    Reasons for soulchunder revulsion: The acting was shite, the gore was shite, there weren't any scares at all. This was like Hostel's older, mentally deficient brother. Like wearing a bicycle helmet and bib, licking the windows and trying to bite his own ear "mentally deficient". I don't know if the writers and/or directors watched the original and said, "Hey, how can we make this better?" if by better they mean idiotic. Apparently the horrible psycho family is actually part of some government conspiracy or something, and one of the crazy brothers (McCounahooie's character) has a leg brace that's also cybernetic.

    And they made Leatherface a cross-dresser. I don't know if that was supposed to make a chainsaw-wielding, other-people's-face-wearing crazy more edgy but it just felt cheap.

    To date it is one of two movies that made me feel dirty after watching it, the other being Blue Velvet
  4.  (10077.29)
    Title: Revolver.

    Circumstances of experience: a friend bought it on a whim and I went to his house to watch it with a few of my other friends. I was stoned and probably drunk so at this point I would've been fairly easy to impress, but... fucking hell. It was actually a pretty good time because we were mocking it so hard.

    Reasons for soulchunder revulsion: It's basically Guy Ritchie trying to be deep and coming off like a really pseudo-intellectual pretentious prick. All of the characters are so unrealistically wound up all the fucking time and seem to adhere to social logic that is so unbelievably tense and stupid that you can't help but laugh. I even joked earlier on in the film "you just know they're going to have a really tense Jason Statham shower scene", and it actually fucking happened. He also looks and talks as if he's constipated throughout the ENTIRE film. It also pissed me off that Ritchie wrote in a few parts about Chess that were such complete bullshit that any fucking amateur could debunk it.

    I'm getting angry just thinking about it.


    From imdb: "There are no opening or end credits. Only the distributor (EuropaCorp) and the production company (Revolver Pictures Ltd) are credited at all. The ending has several minutes of blank screen and piano music. This seems to be a deliberate choice by the director to reinforce the movie's philosophical themes."

    Cheapest use of Moonlight Sonata ever, apart from in Elephant, which was also utterly fucking terrible.
    • CommentAuthoricelandbob
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Arrived at my brother's flat last night and looking for something a little mindless to watch. I didn't expect braindead.

    Resident Evil: Afterlife

    This film will insult the intelligence of an amoeba. it actually made me really angry at its crapulence!!
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    ^ Heh, I managed to get that turned off at one of our group's weekly movie nights! Awful, awful film. We ended up watching one of the Evil Dead series instead.
  5.  (10077.32)
    @Alan Tyson - that video is brilliant, "I can't do a Japanese accent...ok, I can: [in nothing but his own, unmistakably Christopher Walken accent] THIS IS MADNESS!"

    I've never walked out of or turned off a film that I haven't seen before so can't contribute. Wish I could though - the hate in this thread is palpable.

    Keep it up, movie-lovers.
    • CommentAuthorbadbear
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Title: The Green Hornet.

    I love Michel Gondry's work, I really do. I'm a devotee. But even I couldn't get past the unendlingly depressing badness of this movie. From Seth Rogen constantly telling the audience what they should be thinking and feeling ("Oh my god, that was so cool! Wow, we are so badass! Cameron Diaz is so hot!" Jesus fuck christ shoot me) to the unnecessary deaths perpetuated at the hands of the "good guys" to the nonsensical relationships between the main characters. (Why are they friends? Why have they stopped being friends? Why is Cameron Diaz?) There is nothing redeeming about this movie.

    I feel a little bit ill just thinking about how bad it is. Nostalgia has a lot to answer for.

    I also second the nomination for Peter Jackson's King Kong. One day that man is going to make a movie that purely consists of people staring at into each other's beautifully lit CGI eyes. And it is going to have a run time of FOREVER.
    • CommentAuthorcardo
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Film: Batman Forever.

    Val Kilmer. Joel Schumacher. Batman fucking Forever. Pish. The first two Burton/Keaton movies where moving nicely along.... and then this.

    Also, I agree that Jackson's KK was disappointing. Not for any one reason, just a combination of a lot of things.
    • CommentAuthor256
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Inland Empire.
    I watched this in a cinema by myself. The whole thing was ugly as shit, and managed to be both completely nonsensical and utterly predictable at the same time. Not Dave Lynch's finest hour...

    At least I didn't pay to see it.

    Worst thing I've seen recently: The Happening. Had heard that it was terrible. Decided to watch it and see. The cynics were right.

    I can usually wring some sort of enjoyment out of even bad films - some scrap of dialogue, single effective shot, bit of background, something - but I've just never seen a film so devoid of any goodness at all.

    The only good thought I had while watching it was that the general "plot" would make a lot more sense as one of those depressing low-budget British films from the seventies. Although you'd need a bleaker ending to make that work.
    • CommentAuthorTim Murr
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Orange County with Jack Black and some other people...

    My wife and I couldnt stand another minute in our tiny unairconditioned Boston apartment and decided to take in a flick. As I recall there was nothing worth seeing and the only thing we knew about Orange County was that it was a comedy. Fine, how bad could it be...

    I cant even bring up the details of this turd at this point, I just remember saying to my wife every five minutes or so "this is the worst fucking piece of shit I've ever seen in my life." I wanted so badly to walk out, I couldnt even fall asleep. The airconditioning was really the only thing keeping us there. The ONLY other film that has come close to offending me for being so boring and pointless was The Astronaut's Wife with Johnny Depp. And for the sake of full disclosure I own the angora laced boxset of Ed Wood's three best films on I'm not hard to please.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011

    Man, that one was bad. It's one of the reasons why the name Joel Schumacher is a curse in my house, not unlike Barbara Streissand.

    Another movie if, I may: Boondock Saints II

    I loved the original. LOVED. It's a simple shoot-um-up and I love the interactions between the two brothers. And I'd been waiting for the sequel. I mean, BSD was so fucking awesome, how could the sequel go wrong? Ha ha.

    I'd heard that Troy Duffy, the writer/director, became something of an arrogant prick among Hollywood after the cult popularity of BDS that the Powers That Be(tm) then told him to sit in the corner and think about what he'd done for a while. I wish they'd never let him out. The movie was shit, so much shit, after the first one was amusingly awesome. At one point, during the cameo of the Rocco character (as he's going off on some totally bonkers rant about what it is to be a man for no other inexplicable reason other than Troy Duffy has a hard-on for the state of man-ness and wanted to give the actor another IMDB credit), I looked at my wife and asked, "How long have we been watching this shit?"

    "I don't know," she responded. "There aren't any clocks in hell."

    Not even Billy Connolly could raise this movie to simply mediocre.
  6.  (10077.38)
    Southland Tales

    I bought a cheap used DVD. I'm a fan of Donnie Darko (director Richard Kelly's debut) and whilst I'd heard discouraging things about ST part of me refused to believe the film could be entirely without merit. I'd actually built myself up to expect some kind of flawed, sprawling weirdo masterpiece that the critics were simply too stuck up to appreciate. I was intrigued by Kelly's odd casting choices (Sarah Michelle Gellar, Seann William Scott, Justin Timberlake, um, The Rock) and his chutzpah in putting together something so ambitious, which also spanned a series of graphic novels.

    The critics were right, however. It's a truly awful film. The acting is woefully bad, I believe primarily because none of the cast seem to know what the fuck is going on from one moment to the next - they seem genuinely dazed all the way through, especially poor Mr Rock, who reacts to other actors talking to him with a kind of startled woodenness, if such a thing can be imagined. But, more importantly, they're saddled with a script which is a masterpiece, sure, - but of pretension and juvenile idiocy. Two moments stand out as particularly vomit inducing - at the beginning, when Timberlake solemnly paraphrases Eliot thus: "This is how the world ends... not with a whimper, but with a bang" as though nobody had ever thought of that crazy piece of textual reconfiguration before, and the excruciatingly heavy-handed reference to Philip K Dick's Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said, in which - okay, strap yourselves in - a policeman says 'flow my tears'. The film is so terrible, I felt like I needed a brainscan to check whether it had actually inflicted any lasting damage.

    Oh, and The Killers are on the soundtrack.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    @The Outer Church

    Oh, and The Killers are on the soundtrack.

    At least it wasn't Creed or Nickelback?
  7.  (10077.40)
    There is that, I suppose :-)

    Thinking about it, I could just as easily have chosen Blair Witch 2: Book Of Shadows, which managed to betray and/or insult everyone who came into contact with it. Possibly the worst drowning of a franchise since Schumacher took over from Burton on the Batman series.