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    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    So far I think there are only 3.5-4 movies on here that I actually like (though I do own a decent amount of them... I have a bad habit of buying movies I don't like... I can't figure out why... maybe for the sheet horror of it).

    In The Mouth of Madness
    28 Days Later
    Resident Evil: Afterlife

    I kind of like Revolver, I wouldn't say it's awful, but I'm not a huge fan of the movie (hence the .5). Same thing with Jackson's King Kong and Boondock Saints II... Kong had good acting, but that's about it, and BSII wasn't a BAD movie - just a horrible sequel. I think...
  1.  (10077.42)
    Inland Empire.

    I tried watching that. Incoherent pretentious garbage. Sometimes David Lynch tries far too hard to be weird/indie/creepy new guy. Inland Empire really only reminds us that he outgrew weird a long time ago.
  2.  (10077.43)
    Where to begin, where to begin. I subjected myself to two pieces of shit that shared the name 'The Hills Have Eyes' recently (namely the 2007 remake and the 1985 sequel to the original) both were stupid enough to induce an embolism, but I'm not going to talk about those. Neither am I going to talk about the many dreadful and infuriating films that I've watched over the years.

    I'd also like to second the vote on 'A Company of Wolves', desperately arty shite.

    My subject today will be 'The House of 1,000 Corpses', Rob Zombie's directorial debut (no, I'm not counting all the videos he directed for his own songs).

    I had been excited to see this film ever since I'd heard about it, I've been a fan of Rob Zombie's music for years and the aesthetic he brought to the graphic design of his albums. Due to a number of factors I didn't manage to get to see it in the cinema. When it came to DVD my girlfriend at the time and myself were growing apart (read: a few months away from splitting up) and I decided I wanted to cheer myself up. Fortunately my brother-in-law was manager of the local Global Video at the time so getting a hold of this cost me no money. Thank fuck. It turned out to be a garbled, mongrel-scabbed piece of attention-deficit brain wreckage. Rob Zombie can't tell a story and can't maintain his own interest in one thing for more than a minute before he needs to splice a few seconds of his wife dancing around topless, which actually makes the film more boring. Add to that there's no plot, just a bunch of references to (mostly) forgettable seventies exploitation films. To say I was disappointed and quite sad at having lost an hour and a half of my life to this twitching piece of cinematic road kill is something of an understatement.

  3.  (10077.44)

    28 Days Later was only mentioned as a setup for the post's shaming of 28 Weeks Later

    Actually, Weeks might be the most recent terrible film I have seen. The way gore is handled in that one really is excruciating and depressing, though I guess looking back, maybe I get what it was going for. But it misses. It aims for the apple on your head and puts an arrow straight in your nose.

    That makes sense, too -- no way I would have watched something so terrible if it hadn't been a sequel to a really good flick. Nothing else has made it past my stabbing defense.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Lars Von Trier's Antichrist.

    Saw it to see what all the fuss was about, and because I had fond memories of Trier's TV show, The Kingdom. Big fucking mistake. The one thing I will say for it is that it looks pretty, and I guess Willem Defoe and Charlotte Gainsbourgh struggle to do their best with the script. But the Dialogue, and in this context it really does need the capital D, is the most overwrought I've ever heard. Listening to it was like being beaten over the head with stone slabs for ninety minutes. So, by the time all the horrible violence started, I really couldn't care about the characters. Also, the film features a talking fox and a crow that gets punched to death. Twice. I'm sure Trier meant these to be unsettling, but they just came off as funny to me. And not in a good way.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Sorry - I'll edit - I meant Weeks, not Days, lol. I actually enjoyed 28 Weeks Later right up until the end, and I thought the end pretty much ruined the movie.

    And to add... I like House of 1,000 Corpses. It's not the best film, but it's significantly better than most of the other splattergore movies (Hostel, Turistas, the SAW sequels (I like the first Saw movie...)).
  4.  (10077.47)
    A one-two punch: Matrix 2 and 3.

    Circumstances of experience: 2 because I quite liked the first one, and was excited to see the next part. 3 because I hoped that they had gotten their philosophy 101 wankfest out of their system and would actually go back to the spirit of the first film... and I knew it was a vain hope.

    Reasons for soulchunder revulsion: HA!

    I thought even with the Animatrix that the fanboyness was getting a little out of hand, but having to sit through the brain-weeping barf of pseudo-philosophical dialogue in the other two was just one of many reasons (Neo as Christ) I could not see any redeeming features in these.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Okay... yeah... as much as I DO love the matrix... I'm going to have to agree with you @lampcommander. 2 and 3 were horrible. Even as stand alone movies (my first rule about judging a sequel is to consider if I would like it if it WASN'T a sequel). While many of the technical aspects of 2 and 3 were good... the writing and plot of those movies were basically just 100% fanservice.
    • CommentAuthorIsaacSher
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    TRANSFORMERS 2: Revenge of the Fallen

    Circumstances: I have a neighbor who LOVES Transformers, more than anyone I've ever met, which is saying something since I've known a lot of intense transformer fans. He insisted that the Michael Bay movies are good film, and while I enjoyed the first movie a tiny bit, I was warned away from the second. He pressed the blu-ray of T2 into my hand and all but begged me two months ago to give it a second chance, and to "just enjoy the visual spectacle." So I sat down by myself in my living room and watched Transformers 2.

    Reasons for soulchunder revulsion: Oh GOD, where to begin? The plot made no sense, the characterization was crap, and I do NOT need to see middle-aged actors in a jockstrap. The racist twin minstrel show twisted the knife further, but the moment that finally broke my spirit was during the big climactic fight against what was presumably meant to be Devestator... and we see that the bestial transformer has TESTICLES. Big brass wrecking balls dangling in its giant metal crotch. If I'd had a gun handy, I would've been sorely tempted to take up Russian Roulette at that moment.
    • CommentAuthorSolario
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Are we talking about films that are unenjoyable and terrible or terrible, but enjoyable?

    Because if it's the last one, then Mystery Science Theatre 3000 got it right -

    Title: Manos, Hands of Fate

    Circumstances: Imported the DVD after hearing about the MST3k commentary track on the worst movie ever made. Watched it with a friend whose enjoyment of bad movies is only eclipsed by my own.

    Reasons for soulchunder revulsion: Discarding the technical problems like terrible lighting, continuity errors, the non-existent plot and resolution, the real life suicides associated of a couple of the cast and crew, the terrible make-up and prosthetics etc. The movie is meandering, nonsensical in the worst possible way, the acting is horrendous and the characters have the attributes of particularly thin and soggy cartboard. Everything in this movie is terrible; even Torgo, whom I love, and whose main characteristic is that he's a secret servant satyr with a pedophilic streak. And it's glorious to watch, through and through. It doesn't have the joie de vivre of an Ed Wood film, but it's incompetence is a thing of sublime beauty. But Torgo. Sweet, sweet Torgo.


    To reiterate: Torgo.
  5.  (10077.51)
    A couple of options.

    Armageddon, which was just such a soul-crushingly boring string of cinematic cliches that I wanted to leave long before the end, but didn't because I thought my mates might be enjoying it. Turns out they wanted to leave as well. One slight silver lining was that having seen it, I enjoyed Team America: World Police all the more.

    One I did walk out of was Up at the Villa, a tale of adultery and murder among English ex-pats in Italy shortly before World War 2, which was written and directed by people who had apparently never observed how human beings behave. Characters communicate in uninterrupted ten-minute speeches while other characters sit around smiling emptily with glazed eyes.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011 edited
    I don't know if we're doing awful terrible wonderful movies, but you've certainly picked a zinger, @Solario! I have a couple of friends who absolutely relish horriblewonderful movies, to an extent that has gone past movie nights, past hosting live horror screenings at places like California Institute of Abnormal Arts and as far as hosting horror shows on local broadcast TV. So thanks to them I've seen Manos and several other movies that made me regularly ask "What the fuck just happened--wait, do I actually care? no, I don't, please pass the scotch."

    Someone up thread mentioned Lair of the White Worm. I can't remember the circumstances around watching that one but I know I can't place it on friends because I think I was out of town, possibly passing the time at someone's mom's house. I just remember thinking "this is why you don't give a god stats, then they become kill-able."

    And if this list IS about movies for masochists, then we would be remiss if we failed to mention the Sean Connery masterpiece Zardoz!

    (Hopefully the embed works this time, I'm about to give up. Just remember: Connery in a red-orange loin cloth.)

    You know, maybe I should slap my friends.

    ETA: I realize I'm sounding hard on my friends. I don't get out to movies very much and I spend my Netflix allotment most typically on classic movies and anime. But it's friends' reviews that also keep me away from movies that sound unforgiveably bad, for example Avatar, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Green Lantern, Transformers 2 & 3, GI Joe, etc. and it's friends who got me to go to very lovely/fun movies like the Potter series and Iron Man.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Heh, I was thinking of mentioning Zardoz, but it makes me smile just for sheer craziness value. Poor, poor James Bond.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Total Recall

    Circumstances: The Terminator/Conan on Mars and the possibility of Sharon Stone flashing the hoo-ha again how could it go wrong...

    Reasons for soulchunder revulsion: Written by a 14 year old for 10 year olds, high tech vehicles made from a 1976 Popular Mechanics VW Bug conversions (see image) and no Sharon Stone hoo-ha only three plastic mutant hooters.

    Popular Mechanics vs. Total Recall

    But what do I know, I actually like Pluto Nash.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Oh man Zardoz... that movie is hilariously bad.
  6.  (10077.56)

    Saw it in the theater when it first came out. Not by choice. Some friends were raving about this hot new action star, Van Damme, and how amazing he was. So, his new movie comes out, we go.

    How bad was it? This is a science fiction film where one of the characters actually says, "I'm going to get the pirates that killed my Pa."

    That bad.
    • CommentAuthor256
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    Also: The film that prick from Scrubs made. Zach something? What a complete doucher.

    The best/worst thing was that he put himself, or sometimes the back of his own head, at bottom centre of practically every single frame of the entire goddamn movie.

    @Will Couper: "mongrel-scabbed" - Brilliant.
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011


    Circumstances of experience.
    I went to see this because of the the title. Sometime in 2002, I had some time on my hands in middle of the day and decided to catch a movie. I believe everything else on was stuff I'd either seen, or had no wish to see. I recall I that saw the title and thought something like Cool. A sci-fi movie. That should be okay.

    Reasons for soulchunder revulsion.

    The horrible acting, the horrible dialogue, the message, aka, modern morality is horrible (at least to the uptight, fundamentalist prig who is the "hero" of the movie). But mostly the sheer, awful, agonizing boredom of the piece. I walked out before this was said, but it sums up my feelings for this movie:

    Russell Carlisle: Stop the movie! You must stop this movie! The man on the screen just blasphemed the name of the lord! There must be some mistake! You must stop this movie! This is an abomination!

    Case rested.
  7.  (10077.59)

    You mean this? When I was in brain washing cult for kids youth group at my church, they were advertising this for a local christen film festival. Even before I figured things out, I thought to myself, "Who would want to see a Christian movie?".
    • CommentTimeJul 27th 2011
    So, living in Utah and being a Mormon means that sometimes people like to have get-togethers with jello salad and board games and Mormon movies. I have seen lots of Mormon movies. These films are always preachy, dull, and include at least one 3 minute segment of the lead having a change of heart about their struggles and bearing testimony to all their friends who listen patiently. All of them are always awful, though some of them are awful in just the right ways for me. (The original Johnny Lingo short film fills me with glee.)

    It's hard to pick the worst out of Mobsters and Mormons, The R.M., The Singles Ward, The Home Teachers, and Saturday's Warrior. Mobsters and Mormons gets a special amount of hate because the world's most awful English teacher was an extra in it and seeing his face makes me want to vomit, but there's one that beats it.

    There's a Mormon Pride and Prejudice. Having grown up loving the 5 hour Colin Firth version and quoting it with my sisters, I had hoped for something worthwhile. Surely they couldn't ruin Pride and Prejudice? But they did. And one of my sisters owned it on DVD.