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Culturegasm: Worst. Movie. Ever.

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      CommentAuthorinfomancer
    • CommentTimeJul 28th 2011
     (10077.101)
    It warms my soul to see Crash so maligned here. It was like a two hour dead spot in my life. It's interesting that for a film that was ostensibly supposed to promote tolerance, it only left me with the feeling that there's a good reason to just hate everyone.
    •  
      CommentAuthorMagicSword!
    • CommentTimeJul 28th 2011 edited
     (10077.102)
    Aw, you guys! Well, I just want to say that someone out there loves you Inland Empire, Southland Tales and In the Company of Wolves. Those are all great (to good) movies. I can understand why people don't like them, but I'm happy to defend them. Inland Empire especially, I loved it.

    Has anyone seen Fire Ice and Dynamite? I'd say it's terrible, but I'm not sure that it's really a movie, more of a show reel of people sliding down mountains featuring Roger Moore. The parade of product placement and random C-list celebrities during the opening festivities scene left my jaw hanging open.


    For me, I guess Matrix 3 would have to be up there? The action scenes in Matrix 2 were too long, but they were still the only things I enjoyed in it. By Matrix 3 I think there was just nothing at all that I enjoyed in that movie. In fact, I think I've enjoyed all of the Wachowski's pre and post Matrix stuff, so I feel like the Matrix movies are this black-hole of terrible sci-fi that made them a shit load of money, and let them publish some Geoff Darrow comics, and when they just try to make fun movies everything's ok.

    Spider-Man 3, I KNOW is terrible. I can see that on so many levels it doesn't work, and yet I still really like it. It's a mess, but it's a fun, crazy mess that really reminded me of Sam Raimi's earlier movies much more than the first two Spider-Man movies. Those are great movies, but I think more endorphins got released into my brain watching number 3 than the first two. And both Topher Grace and James Franco are so fucking good in that movie and no-one ever mentions it.

    But my number 1 worst movie, still, since I saw it is Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddie's Revenge. Because it's a terrible, terrible, movie, and because I already didn't like Nightmare on Elm Street 1 (I think it's incredibly influential, but I was really underwhelmed when I saw it), and this was exponentially worse. I think the NOES movies only get going around number 3, I know I enjoyed some of them. And it had this:

    •  
      CommentAuthorInternaut
    • CommentTimeJul 28th 2011
     (10077.103)
    Inglorious Basterds. I was promised two hours of Brad Pitt and company, killing Nazis for two hours, and instead I got a small story about a girl's revenge. Mostly I felt lied to by the marketing people.


    Fucking THIS. I actually still managed to somewhat enjoy the movie, but was sorely disappointing by the severe lack of a motley crew Nazi hunters marauding around the German country side.
  4.  (10077.104)
    Photobucket

    This is my copy of The Cat in the Hat, the live-action version starring Mike Myers. It came in to the store I worked and cost $3, and despite knowing I'd hate it I bought it anyway just to see how badly they could rape the corpse of Dr Seuss.

    I don't mind bad movies all that much. The Room was entertaining as hell for it's utter awfulness. I've seen all three Transformers abortions in the theater, although I have to admit to having a place that has $5 Tuesdays available. What does offend me is when Hollywood takes something I love and desecrates it. Until Cat in the Hat, I honestly thought my all-time least favorite movie would be Space Jam. It turns out Hollywood could in fact take a bigger, chunkier, runnier dump on a classic than they did on Loony Tunes. Failing that miserably to understand why this story was loved by so many people for so many years, and completely missing in every regard everything that makes Dr Seuss such a wonderful author, was simply amazing to behold in all the worst possible ways.

    So, DVD goes on top of an empty bottle in the microwave and this was the result. The bastard earned it and worse. I enjoyed destroying it so much that I still have it kicking around in my room somewhere, as a warning for all my other movies to Be Good, Or Look What Happens. So far it seems to be working.
    •  
      CommentAuthorD.J.
    • CommentTimeJul 29th 2011
     (10077.105)
    @James Cunningham

    Shut up, Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
  6.  (10077.106)
    I'll grant that it's the single greatest movie ever based on an advertising campaign. Maybe.
  7.  (10077.107)
    So Starro was hidden inside every DVD of "Cat in the Hat"! That's explains everything!
  8.  (10077.108)
    Thanks for reminding me of the live-action Grinch movie. We went to a free screening and my friend became so enraged that he smashed a candy dispenser on accident and got fired. We then went home and defaced our furniture with "I Hate The Grinch" slogans.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFoamhead
    • CommentTimeJul 29th 2011
     (10077.109)
    re: The Matrix & sequels:

  10.  (10077.110)
    @King Happybomb

    Saw Basterds in the theatre, felt very much the same way.

    Never before would I have thought a movie would make me yell, "Would you Please stop shooting Hitler?!?!"
    • CommentAuthorAndrew_H
    • CommentTimeJul 29th 2011
     (10077.111)
    Boondock Saints. It was rented when i lived in shared accomodation where we, uh, relaxed a lot and watched action flicks and got all technical about them. We got this and it was disjointed, the plot was stupid, the stunts were badly done and it looked like utter trash. It's sort of everything i hate in a film all in one package and the leads were terrible actos, just rotten.

    Girl Interrupted. Lord above this thing stinks. It gave me a life-long hatred of Angelina Jolie's performances, and she got a damn Oscar for basically being hysterical for 90 minutes. Winona was made of wood, the plot was stupid and the whole premise was ugly and unrealsitic to such a huge degree I wanted to eat my own vomit.

    I'm farily tolerant of film and I'll watch things if they have one interesting effect in them, I am such a gore/horror nerd.
  12.  (10077.112)
    I'm not going to waste time on movies that we all know suck, like the Resident Evil series, we all know they are worthless drivel, sometimes enjoyable, but worthless all the same.
    Lost in Translation, man, a 2 year year old could count how many fucks I gave about anything that happened in that movie.
    Being John Malkovich, EVERY character in that movie is an ass, do not care.
    I have to agree with Basterds, I didn't get through it, there was too much yap yap, not enough kill kill.

    I've learned to tolerate movies that I KNOW are completely worthless, like Transformers, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. The second one is inexcusable though. Do they say anything important about society? No. Do they have wicked awesome 'splosions and amazingly technical special effects? FUCK YES WORTH WATCHING ALL OF IT. The scene with the Driller and the skyscraper took 288 hours PER FRAME to render. It deserves to be seen.
    • CommentAuthor256
    • CommentTimeJul 29th 2011
     (10077.113)
    Girl Interrupted
    Hang on you guys, I think
    Lost In Translation
    wait, what
    Being John Malkovich
    now just a mi
    Transformers: Dark of the Moon [...] WORTH WATCHING ALL OF IT
    Fuck that, fuck you, fuck this thread. No.
  14.  (10077.114)
    The scene with the Driller and the skyscraper took 288 hours PER FRAME to render.

    Black velvet Elvis paintings don't exactly appear overnight. Doesn't make them any less horrible.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFinagle
    • CommentTimeJul 29th 2011 edited
     (10077.115)
    @256 - Had to bite my tongue on that one as well. Regarding LiT, The opening shot of Scarlett Johansson's rear alone is worth the price of admission.
    •  
      CommentAuthorD.Miranda
    • CommentTimeJul 29th 2011
     (10077.116)
    Have I read too fast, or has there been no mention of a Uwe Boll movie?

    Otherwise, I'm only thinking of boring movies - the Crash of the Titans remake, for example; another example is SuckerPunch, which I stopped after half an hour because of utter ennui. This was a disappointment because I got easily seduced by the trailer.
  17.  (10077.117)
    Ok, going to name two. You can decide which is worse...

    Title; Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection

    The first movie was scary. Scary as Hell, in fact. What Ridley Scott and HR Giger did is still just phenomenal. The second movie was a great action movie with great visuals, characters and the typical James Cameron multi-cliffhanger plotline.

    But the third and fourth movies? They seemed so trite, full of fluff and only created to turn a legacy into a franchise to milk.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeJul 29th 2011
     (10077.118)
    @Val A Lindsay II

    While I don't think that Aliens 3 was really that great, it was still a sight better than the shite that was Resurrection.
  19.  (10077.119)
    3 isn't terrible, it just isn't good. But Resurrection was a direct-to-video b-movie script that somehow got an A-list budget and talent. What a turd of a film!
    •  
      CommentAuthorAlastair
    • CommentTimeJul 30th 2011
     (10077.120)
    Anaconda 3 the offspring

    titanic 2

    pirates of the caribbean 4

    johnny mnemonic

    lawnmower man

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