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  1.  (10118.1)
    It's that time again to wheeze sweet words to the internet through blackened mushy teeth.

    What's been getting you high this week Whitechapel?
    What's been the equivalent of too many benzos and cheap liquor, that is to say, a downer?
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011 edited
    everything this week has been stress. its fucking shitty, but i am trying to see that, its just 1000 little things, and i need to look past it. a freind of mine got robbed and beaten this week, so i need to put my own pile of shit in perspective.

    got a drug test back from my insurance physical. GREAT NEWS: I TESTED NEGATIVE FOR COCAINE. which is good since i dont do that. after my initial 30 year physical last month came back with great results for my blood, liver and cholesterol i kinda went on a bit of a booze/fried food bender since i was depriving myself in previous months. BAD NEWS: the insurance physical shows the bender boosted a lot of my bad stuff up, but my blood pressure and cholesterol are still good. time to get back to being healthy and sticking to my workout schedule again. sigh. it was kind of like summer vacation for putting unhealthy things in my mouth-hole.

    i think the only band i like on the WARPED tour, the MENZINGERS, are sneaking me and my lady in in exchange for cake and beer. probably do that, see them and get the hell out of that crap fest. maybe spend some time with my brother. as ive gotten older, i kinda just like spending time with my family and relaxing. especially in these horrible summer months.

    also, ive been having shit tons of anxiety lately. i feel like everythings wrong (and we know it is), but i feel increasingly trapped by society, maaaaan. i want to sell nearly everything i own and just get the fuck away for a bit. unfortunately all the garbage we buy is nearly worthless. the resale values of everything is kind of starting to slap me in the face and remind me: HEY STOP BUYING STUFF
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011
    This week concluded a month and a half off with my kid. California, it's awesome liberal/hippiness, let's new parents take six weeks off from work, paid at disability rates by the state, so they can spend some time with their kid. I'm totally glad that I did it because watching him grow and change has been awesome. However, going home this week to an empty house, as the wife is back at work and the kid is in day care, has sucked very, very much.
    • CommentAuthorStefanJ
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011
    I'm leaving work early this afternoon to do a Linux install and rebuild of my home-brew DVR system. High geek fun.

    OTOH, I'm going to be on emergency tech support duty, and thus liable to get calls from horrified and overwhelmed support people dealing with hardware meltdowns.

    @RenThing: Careful, man, that socialist family leave thing is the start down a slipperly slope to a hellish communist dictatorship where the actual needs of human beings take precedence over God's true plan for humanity, reducing government spending.
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011
    I have a voice demo in the can! Well, I'm waiting for word from a few pros who agreed to listen & critique it. I already have one issue that I'm not sure I should let well enough alone. But my mom liked it! I know it sounds totally goofy when I explain that I'm not being sarcastic or ironic. The thing is it's really the first time she gotten to take in my skill as an actor...well unless you count grade school plays. So weird to think of it, particularly when factoring how much she's done for me so I could pursue my degree and then supported me while the only gigs I could get were pittance-paying stage management. Finally she heard me producing a professional-quality (I hope) performance and she got really happy and excited. I didn't figure she'd dislike it. But I didn't count on how deeply it would affect me.

    I saccharine and wholesome, and never mind what kindergarten bullshit. Yes, she also put my crayon drawings on the fridge. So her approval is a bit of a low bar for me. The real test is what my teachers think. Actually, that's the beta test. The real, real test is if people will hire me and if an agent will sign me. THAT test is butt loads harder and uncertain.

    In the meantime I've been reviewing my coping mechanisms, the state of my health and how I treat myself, particularly my body. While it's a fairly mundane collection of vices and weaknesses...I'm surprised at just how extensive and pervasive they are. And the more I thought about them as how I might talk about them the more annoyed I was to find I harbored them. I had been thinking over the past several years that I should quit smoking simply because there didn't seem to be much of a point to it, other than trying to get lung cancer. I thought I'd leave it as a social indulgence and revisit quitting when I had steady work. I didn't tend to smoke on my own and could go weeks between buying packs. But once the voice acting got really going with classes and now the demo recording i've found that I the need to have a smoke. fighting off the desire has suddenly become as easy as not thinking about food when I'm hungry. FUCK. I'll have my fun, but I draw the line at the urgency for fun that is as intense as the urgency for a physical need. I still have a nearly full pack and no determination to quit. I dunno.

    It's been easy keep drugs at even lower level of want (don't know who to talk to about what I wouldn't mind doing again, the most common drugs aren't interesting to me). Hell, sex? Hahaha.... But drinking...well, I have to save my money so I don't indulge it much and as long as I'm willing to turn down crap wines and whiskies I don't worry too much chronic drinking. Binging might be a little different if only because I've had a few parties recently where I lose track of how much I've had and when abouts I said I'd stop. It's less the drink itself and an increased sloppiness that I don't like. Hm.

    I have to take better care of myself. I have so much I want to get done. It won't happen naturally. And it won't be as good if my body won't be in top form to support my efforts.

    Soon that's both the bennies and the benzos. }:>
    • CommentAuthorDC
    • CommentTimeAug 5th 2011
    Damn, it's been way too long since I did one of these.
    The past few months I haven't been much productive. I should be doing my master thesis since April and haven't done half of it yet. The good part is that because of it once again I had to spend 3 weeks in Denmark with everything paid (except transportation) at Bang & Olufsen's HQ. Great experience and I'm thinking of going to work in the country in the future. Meanwhile I have to struggle to get anything done.
    • CommentAuthordot_xom
    • CommentTimeAug 6th 2011

    I drank a fair bit last night...
    • CommentTimeAug 6th 2011
    This week has been going pretty well, I think. It was a long weekend, so I was able to bottle my beer and relax on Monday. On Tuesday the doctor declared that my mother does not have skin cancer, which her referring doctor suspected might be the case. The family spent the week leading up to that appointment in a complete worry. When I found out all was in the clear I went right down to the pub for a celebratory drink.

    This week has also been spent preparing for a secret photo project that I've been working on. Getting permission to shoot ont he location I want, ensuring the makeup artist and the model have what they need, getting supplies ready and so on. So far everything is set except for one doll's head that I need. If I'm unable to find it I think I have a Mr. Punch puppet that will do just as well. At any rate, that's going on Sunday evening, so by Monday or so I should have something to show you folk.

    I finally printed out the labels designed by Mojokingbee here on WC and popped them on my bottles. Only five more days until I'm able to drink it! Eee!

    Also this week is Toronto Beer Week and I won't be going. It's about $50 to just get in, filled with college jocks and contain the regular breweries I see in an Ontario beer event. Aside from a few cask events it's not worth it in my opinion. As a mini celebration though, I took my mom out to dinner to C'Est What, a popular craft beer pub here and had a few lovely, lovely beers.

    And now here I am sitting at home. Had a nice sleep in and am currently making some coffee. My brain has decided to kick my ass a bit in regards to the whole "being single" thing. Definitely starting to feel like it's difficult for someone to be attracted to me. And...blah.

    Coffee time.
  2.  (10118.9)
    I'm reminded how much my life feels totally different as it had a year ago. Or just 6 months ago. And I feel angry at the world for having lost so much time so unnecessarily, but I'm amazed at how much my whole world has shifted gears.

    Having spent my week helping people and feeling useful, waiting for my now approved disability that will allow me to live without handouts, knowing that I will have a proper drivers license in October and the money to rent a car, knowing that I have a passport, knowing I will be able to GO somewhere, well, it all feels like my life is finally becoming mine again. (I've not been on a plane since 1995, and aside from family reunions, I've not left NY/NJ since then, aside from a weekend trip to Chicago and a Vermont wedding) I've been poor, sick, and trapped here for over a decade. I'm finally working on changing that. I'll be taking classes online this next semester, so I'll be free to go where I like - that is, as long as I stay within a frugal $400 a month budget.

    (offers of couches to crash on and cheap sublets are encouraged)

    Regarding the "being single thing"... I've started doing calculations in my head recently. Only twice in the past 10 years has anyone called me their "girlfriend", and both of those experiments in coupledom only lasted about 3 months. I keep thinking about the fact that I've somehow let my best years of youthful adulthood pass by largely without romance. This is odd, because I'm such a stupid romantic, prone to all sorts of ridiculous amorous displays.

    It was 10 years ago that I made a conscious decision to abandon all other aspirations and just concentrate on getting my health fixed. THEN I'd let myself start thinking about art, about creativity, about travel, about social life, about love. My health is not fixed. It's worse.

    Watch out world, I'm all fury and on fire. I've got an hourglass-shaped chip on my shoulder, amphetamines in my bloodstream, a pocketful of vicodin, and the frantic eyes of a woman who is terrified of time.
  3.  (10118.10)
    Posting this from the pub, si please excuse spellings as a combo of booze and getting used to this touch screen.
    Had to have a night out after a dull day alone.
    Am niw on new anti depressants to try to help with my fhronuc fatogue, unfortunatelty I seem to have got the posted side efect of more fatigue. Not exactly ideal.
    But I'm getting a trip to Berlin in a fortnight thanks to my mate. Any oub/club recommendations?
    And now, back to the regulaely scheduled beer
  4.  (10118.11)
    SO... the interminable slog through the divorce process continues. (For new viewers - I was in threesome with 2 women for 14 years. Now wife-the-shaman - the one I'm legally wed to - wants to end it, leaving wife-the-artist & I as a couple.)

    Ex-wife-the-shaman-to-be moved out last weekend, leaving me & Wife-the-artist to actually sell the sodding house. Looks like we've got 3 offers going so far, with a month of viewing left before the sealed-bid auction - and as what we get for the gaff is basically my settlement money, we hope it goes at the asking price or better.

    Here's the house...
    ...and yes, that guide price is indeed £1.2 million. A million left after paying off the mortgage, if it goes well. (Punchline - that's 4 times what we paid for it in 1997...)

    Which is why I had a meeting with a stock-broker booked a while back, which happened Friday. Yep - day after the Dow Jones tanked & US lost AAA credit rating, I was talking share portfolios with a professional.

    This may blow your mind, but it's a royal headfuck for me too. (Yeah, woe is me, etc.)

    Plan is to buy a much smaller place in Hebden Bridge with wife-the-artist, invest most of the lump to live off while we get our careers started. Hopefully, be well-off enough to support local sustainability projects (Hebden's a Transition Town with its own company) & use the little bit of power & wealth we'll have to try and help some folk along the way. Kind of a very low-key, cut-price Global Frequency vibe, with fewer weapons of mass distruction.

    The combination of stresses; fear we fuck it up somehow, pain of the loss of the love of our lives for last 14 years... one minute the glee of getting reasonably wealthy, the next worrying that it'll be just so much paper in the Grim Meathook Future... the sheer amount of stuff that has to be done on top of packing and trying to find a house to buy... well, it keeps things interesting.

    Thank the gods for my beloved, and Doktor Whiskey.

    In short - life is my uppers & downers right now.
  5.  (10118.12)

    sorry about the Trio becoming a Duo. hope it works out well (like selling you Mansion and stuff!)

    Well i arrived back early on Friday morning from my holiday. Was it a relaxing time? Well, no. First it was too cold (Shetland's wind chill factor brought the temperatures to near freezing... in July!) then too hot, then too humid! Add to that all the travelling and spending nearly every night on an air mattress, i'm surprised i didn't just jack it all in and head back home.

    right now i'm having beer. I was tempted to go out, but a lack of money has convinced me otherwise. Sigga is with two of her friends getting a little bit pissed in the kitchen on cheap red wine, before heading out to a gay club. It was Reykjavik Gay Pride today so i shaved my head and wore my best but gay bear gear on. Nobody touched my arse, which i admit i was a little disappointed with.

    Back to work and true normality on Monday. Sigh. I need oblivion....
    • CommentTimeAug 6th 2011
    It is now Sunday 3:12 am. Wide awake and drawing.

    I shouldn't have had that last cup of coffee.

    In another 4 hrs we'll be visiting the biggest annual bookfair in the Netherlands Europe.

    Rows upon rows of (used) books. Some ragged, chewed upon and dog eared by young readers and others kept near mint by loving collectors.
    This also may have something to do with my wakefulness.

    It's treasure hunting time.
    • CommentTimeAug 6th 2011
    I think every time I go to Salt Lake and stay in the room that will soon be my home, it gets better. Last time was a great figure drawing session and a visit with a friend. This time, I got that, and the first session of a zine-making workshop that's already super exciting. I miss printmaking so much. Being in a studio with the promise of using the type today was a wonderful thing.

    In two weeks the scheduling will be crazy with that workshop and moving, and school starting on Monday but I'll make it work somehow. And man, won't that be amazing. I'll actually be living there for real. I cannot wait.

    It's really good that the weekend's been so nice, as work has been really bringing me down. I am not cut out to work, in any way, for the U.S. Army. Unfortunately, with the way jobs are right now, it's all I've got, and I don't really have high hopes for something in Salt Lake next summer. But if there's any way in the whole world, I need to get out of this place for good. On Wednesday I called my sister, originally to try and plan for the weekend. I ended up just sobbing for an hour, saying I just couldn't do it anymore. It's a good thing I have such a low pain threshold, because, man, I was considering some dark stuff. At the least, I wanted to almost kill myself, so I could get across just how fucking much this current situation was wearing at me. Which is incredibly stupid. I mean, two weeks, right? 80 more hours, then I'm done, and it's back to ink and presses and paper and all that.

    But I can't handle much more than that. Living with my parents is the logical thing to do while poor like this, but it's still irritating. And doing pointless tasks for a group who's job is to make and disperse things to kill people because it's the only way I can make ends meet, well, I'd prefer to not do that anymore. As incredibly stupid as this debt deal bullshit is, it does give me some hope that the base I work on won't be able to afford summer-hires next year. Which leaves me screwed money-wise, but I'd rather have that than giving all my time to the military. There's always loans. And I've got tuition covered with a scholarship, so they'd be small loans. As great as it is to have gone through 3 years of college with zero debt, I'm starting to feel like some things aren't worth it.

    Just so I can end on a happy note, I drove on the freeway for the first time today (yes I am 21), and that wasn't too bad at all. I really love driving. There's something about feeling like I could go anywhere, after being stuck in a community surrounded by fences and guards with big scary guns and signs that tell me I can't even draw the place legally, that's just amazing. I think if I can't manage to be an artist or printmaking professor or curator, taxi driver may be okay. Better than the Army, anyway. The boy I love wants to live in New York, so there's that.
    • CommentAuthorDarkest
    • CommentTimeAug 7th 2011
    The shop is still being renovated, We have a lot of work to do but hopefully I can open this month, It's killing me that I can't make people's lives better and sell stuff yet but I'm trying to remain positive. Have not been sleeping well but that is par for the course. Laptop needs fixing and also my main external hard drive is not being read by computers I'm assuming the plug got dinged on something, will find someone who knows what they are doing for I am a tech-idiot.
  6.  (10118.16)
    Well, my week could've gone better. Mistakes on my part and never ending tech problems..onwards and upwards.
    Not art this weekend but lots of gaming(ME 2) and comic books and movies(fell asleep to Dune).
    Oh, took a while but finally started reading Freakangels in one big dose while my computer's down. Enjoying it immensely and just made it past episode 100. Dun know why I waited so long...
    Hoping next week's a little better art output-wise.
    • CommentTimeAug 7th 2011
    This was moving week for me and it went alright. My landlord seems pleased with the way I rescued his front yard from 5 years of overgrowth. (He took away the two overflowing bags of yard waste, anyways, and left me a twenty under my door.)
    So, I have something that could be considered patio space, as soon as I get some furniture. Of course, it's raining torrentially right now, so sitting out there with coffee and book will be delayed at least one more morning. I could conceivably host a WC meetup now, though, if only people would bring their own folding chairs...

    I got hired last month for a job I'm not sure I'm terribly interested in. So, I've continued to send out resumes for, at the very least, a night bartending gig. On Friday, while getting a tour of my new job, it was mentioned I might be in mind for a supervisory position, because they've noticed I'm not a dunce. So that's nice. Still not sure I want to help promote the corporate agenda, but it's a bit of a tricky situation, so I might hang out and see how it plays.

    Did Taste of the Danforth (big Greek festival in Toronto) Friday night. got some "awwwww" pictures. (personally i think the most mainstream gatherings are always the creepiest.)
    DSC_8481 DSC_8447 DSC_8367b
  7.  (10118.18)
    Oh, it's all bastard wrong.

    I'm on holiday and I'm meant to be relaxed and happy and all that shit and I'm instead stabby and petty and mean and climbing the walls... stupid little things are really setting me off - like last night, when I was sitting in my shed and listening to squirrels systematically ripping all the hazelnuts out of the tree above and chucking them on the ground. And thinking 'you little vandalistic fuckbastards, you've taken EVERY DAMN NUT OFF THE TREE', and yeah, I guess they need them to survive and all, but it's still pissing me off because for once it would be nice to have nuts off the nut tree and I can't because some fucking bunch of fluffy glorified rats have taken them all. But I guess the stupid things that are riling me are just a cover for a much greater disquiet and general frustration.

    I have a week left to get out of this. I can't go back to work in this frame of mind and I shouldn't be in this frame of mind with my family, they don't deserve it and it's not fair. Keep doing things to try and break out of it - managed to swim in the sea the other day, had a long walk up a hill this morning, have been trying to do practical things, and fixing stuff that's been waiting around for ages and these things are helping, but still seem to be bouncing along the bottom. Don't want to go back on antidepressants, have stayed off them for eight months - don't want the weight gain and fatigue back. But, thinking about it, the Easter weekend was the last time that things felt right - for a few days I couldn't have been happier, and then I fell off the cliff.

    Still, I've been here before, and got out of it before, it's just a long slow climb.

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