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    • CommentAuthorStefanJ
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2011
    I lived in my parents' basement until I was 34, when I shipped out to grad school. Then I moved across the country entirely.
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2011
    Moved out at 25 when I got married.
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2011
    I moved out last week.
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2011 edited
    See, while it's awesome to know that there are people in the same boat, it's kind of weird in my mind.

    It's one of those situations where the mind KNOWS that it's a reasonable thing and that there shouldn't be any shame in the situation and hell, it's not like there are no plans in the near future to get out, is it?

    But then, I find, something happens. You go to a house party, you meet up with a friend who has been on their own since they were 18, a "your place or mine?" situation comes up, or, as the case with me just this past friday, a friend takes you aside and says "come on, time to move out".

    And you don't know how to respond to that shit. I find myself scattering my words in an attempt to give the logical reason for it. And there are plenty of valid reasons for it. But it can be pretty easy to feel shame because you know people who seem one step ahead of you in "doing what they want". And it doesn't help that quite a few people automatically put someone who lives with their folks in the "lazy, unemployed, doing nothing with their lives" department. Which as wrong as hell, but, for me anyways, I find hard to refute without sounding like I'm deluding myself. But then, I'm not good at explaining things. But basically, while it's logical to dismiss those things because they aren't you and they really have no idea about the situation, something just...ticks. I can't explain it.

    In short, to me personally, the living situation is something I don't think of as a terrible thing 90% of the time because logically, I know the reasons behind it. But there are small points in time where you get someone who doesn't know the situation or, by being on their own, plays on the insecurity over it a bit. And those times can be tough.

    I hope I made sense with all that rambling.
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2011
    @Trini I was kind of thinking the same thing, but self diagnosis feels self-important to me. I dunno what I can do about it since I am pretty poor and don't have insurance, but hearing someone else say it at least makes it seem like a more reasonable conclusion to my states of mind. I've never been on a regular medication for anything in my life, and resisted Ritalin as a teenager, but maybe this one is important. I dunno. Thanks for that, anyway.

    And to all of us that remained "too long" at the parents' house: Yeah, we all felt real bad about it at sometime or another, but the complexity of reasons why one might "stay behind" can be much more work than simply moving out. For me, since my parents tax records were fucked, I couldn't get financial aid until I turned 24, so it was either quit school and move out or stay and feel crappy about it. On top of that, two years ago my mother fell ill and wasn't able to drive, so I felt I had to stick around and help her in any way I could. My brothers did not exactly feel the same way, and lived further away than in the same house.

    There isn't anything that's going to make you not panic sometimes, question yourself, go through the whole bit about "Who am I if I stay," or whatever you do, but the underlying impulse to question yourself that way is what makes you a decent person. You have an impulse to be better or greater than you are, and the social weights put upon you for not moving out reflect in your mind as stagnation, but regardless of where you are, you are still a person that wants to be better, and that's more than can be said for a lot of people that live on their own.

    Look into your future and ask yourself if there will ever be a time where you don't want to be more awesome than you were before. Then remember that getting better is way more awesome than being better.
    • CommentTimeAug 22nd 2011 edited
    @soviet rocket Yeah at 25 I was on my own. Working full time and paying my own way. And slowly dying, though it would take a while to realize that. I'm 34 now, broke, deep in debt and my mom is financing all of my life - I live in her house, eat her food, she pays for my Japanese and voice over classes and a bunch of other bills along the way. My debt to her isn't just the money, it's the intense need to get this version 2.0 of my life to work right and work soon.

    And this isn't the end...I don't know what comes after making sure people know my voice and pay me for my work; and or translating, traveling and who knows what else. But I'm not done learning and taking up new skills, new artforms. My dad took up carpentry in this forties and learned to play the harp in his sixties. Unless you're dead, it's never too late to learn something new, to express yourself in a new way, to let go of who you think are and evolve.

    Self-definition is a trap. (stolen from someplace)
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
    Fook my life! laptop and Skynet are making this evil! i despise tech cos im shite at it and horror detox dont exactly help either! Hit my front door in rage attack...fookin hand hurts! Tit! Curse the world...this test will freeze...crash...sign me out...fuck! here i try ya my best..fingers uncrossed!!!!!!!!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
    HELL O ALL! I JUS wanna say im doin good on gettin clean! Been usin 32 years..not there,wherever thats meant to be, im either in FULL Joker mode or crying to the point of dehydration.Keep havin total recall horror..all the friends who died, loosin love off life. this is my final stand!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
    i really dont mean to just jump in. i will breathe and read your stuff to connect. This site is one of my major tools to get well. I LOVE IT! Im fooked!! had bit o kip full of existential dread! Now paranoia kicks in cos feel like a whiner..methadone is not a sudstitute for heroin...its a substitute for life! BEWARE KIDS!!! The flecky, 47 yr old busted to the multiverse lonely fella dont lie!! WHY SO SERIOUS...WHY SO SERIOUS...NOTHING IS TRUE..ONLY CONSTANT IS CHANGE...FLY PELICAN FLY...I AM A GRENDEL BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
    @SovietRocket No.9 and all you young uns. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL..was just the same in my 20ez."im 25...its to late to make something of my life". Its just a hideous mind trap that if you just ride it out doing anything creative it will go.IGNORE THAT SHIT CONVERSATION IN HEAD!! DO NOT SUCCUMB...YOU ALL HAVE YEARS AHEAD OF BEAUTY JOY PAIN SORROW FUN AND FUCKING GREAT COMICS TO HELP GET THRU DARK PATCH!!. Please dont do wot i did and give up.IM 47 and finally tryin...kick some fuckin ass!!! im gonna cry..(DOOR)!!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
    J ust read more of you lots heads! Its pissing down in London..ha ha ha!! Flee you living dead fuckz!! Hope,well, to be honest,dont give a toss,that i dont come across as Judge Dread...seems to be a lot o people pleasing going on! Thats yet another thing that has wrecked ma heed unt life..and this thing about being pissed off about having a roof over heed...u should try being homeless in freezing north east of England winter withdrawin from smack and falling asleep in a outside toilet waking up 1 hour later frozen to core!! 19....such fond dead gran turned me away because "the neighbours would talk!"...Ah, life..if you dont laff you will skull fook anything that dares to pulsate!! therapy later! Actually enjoy the attention! lord of the perverted!!
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
    @Osmosis--yeah, she's hoping her genome is more like her sister's than her mom's. Still, the doc seemed very confident that the SYNTHROOOOOOIIIIIID will be very beneficial.

    @living-with-folks folks: I lived with my pop until I was 27; it really wasn't any thing. Circumstances will improve, you mark my fucking words.
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
    Sitting here with a Mike's and a steak, enjoying myself a bit. Still doing the same old managerial work, only in a different place. The late night hours are getting to me, just getting fed up with the whole thing. As a result, looking down to North Carolina more and more. Have close friends who want me down there, to get out on my own, and want me to get past the shit some people put me through earlier this year. At the end, I know they're right, and I need to forget about it, advantage of being a bastard sometimes. Been flirting on and off with someone who has a serious crush on me, cross country, and I don't think it will ever work, but it's been fun for us to at least joke about what isn't. All in all, it isn't bad, a bit apathetic and can be summed up with a fuck it attitude, but life is life.
    • CommentAuthorAnopheles
    • CommentTimeAug 23rd 2011
    Haven't posted to the Open Mic's much, but ok...

    My graduate thesis gallery show is coming up in a month. The school finally posted it on their calendar, and I've bought the frames for the illustrations. So, this is actually going to happen. I should be thrilled, but really I'm scared.

    I worry that the illustrations for the show are not up to snuff, especially since my fellow grads' work was so exceptional. Sometimes I feel my stuff is amateurish or too 'genre'. The show is about my aliens cultural project, which I've discussed with some people here. My biggest worry is that people will walk in, see the work, and say, "So?"
    • CommentTimeAug 24th 2011
    Looks like things are going to get worse before they get better. I have to try really hard right now to not fill a certain void with objects, and screw myself later. If I can disassociate my future self from my present self, then I can potentially feel obligated to not go nuts right now on the principle of non-interference that I hold to no matter how much it fails me.

    I thank fuck for the good friends I have that have saved me from a lot of loneliness and self torture over the course of the last few months, but even though I now live with one of them, I feel that the dark nights are going to be dark for awhile. Makes me sad for myself, but I don't wholly feel like I deserve better.

    I've always been emotionally alone. I think it comes from being "the weird kid," the misunderstood child, that I don't trust I will be fully understood by those I'm close to, even if I know they want what's best for me. Maybe this is the trap of the romance, that I am so dutifully good to those I get involved with because I am making up for bringing too much emotion to the relationship. I try and be fair. I also (evidently) exclusively date selfish women. I'm not sure why that is.

    I hope you're all doing well tonight, Whitechapel, because as you can tell I'm not at my best. Classes start tomorrow, and I have a full 5 days of stuff to do, so we will see if anything cheers me up, but this is a familiar sadness that I know crops up from time to time. And all it takes to return is a simple, common disappointment. I think too much and that exacerbates everything.

    Hm. I wonder if I can spill out here a bit without being the worst person ever. Let me tell you about the New Sadness. It's a lot like the old one, and they are friends and rarely go anywhere together.

    I dated the same girl for more than two years. Not epic but not to be scoffed at either. I loved her very much. She did things to me that are unacceptable by anybody's standards, but I, effectively by myself, tried to hold everything together. She was selfish, incapable of seeing outside herself, lost in her books and excuses to reinforce her self-centered world.

    At first it was simple: I did everything I could, and she did very little. I can handle that, I am dutiful to my friends, and only moreso to my other-halves. When the emotional abuse began, I was so unalarmed that I saw it as an obstacle. It was never an obstacle. It took me a long time to see it for what it was. When the physical abuse began, I was shocked. Though it was so rare, and due to intoxication, I took it on as another obstacle.

    Now I am wholly feminist pro-women equal blahblah, like any other decent person is whether they realize it or not. But I can never hit a woman, ever. It is not in my nature to hit anyone, and the exacerbating factors of this include the fact that the woman who happened to deserve it was my girlfriend, whom I still loved very much. It wasn't fun.

    Disclaimer: women of WC, if a man ever hits you, hit him the fuck back. If he's stronger, wait until he's not looking and hit him with a fucking bat. It's not about stronger or weaker, and it's not about equality: that man is violating the one and only thing that he undoubtedly knows is 100% wrong forever. Legitimacy of the moray aside, it is literally the only moral question that has only one answer for a man in this culture. "Should you hit a woman, for any reason?" "No," answers anyone except Sean Connery. It is the test of a man's moral fortitude, to have a woman really deserve to be hit and to swallow it and walk away.

    But I couldn't live up to that standard. I never hit her back, I only ever stopped her from hitting me, which was not easy, but it was all I could muster in my heart. In retrospect, either was heartbreaking. Maybe I would respect myself more if I had hit her back. But I loved her, so I didn't. Anyway.

    So she dumped me. Said we weren't right for each other, and that we each deserved better. I knew I did, I knew she didn't, but that's what she said. She immediately started sleeping around and has since become insufferable in the tenuous social reach we're still within. Also, she gets to go to France for a year while I stick around Sonoma County continuing to be sad. Makes you feel a certain way to emotionally, financially, transportationally, socially support someone and then have them get to make their life MORE amazing by bailing when you need them.

    This was months ago, of course, but I constantly wonder if I will ever get over it. I have a deep fear that I will love her for the rest of my life, maybe more than anyone I meet in the future.

    Sad songs and waltzes, I suppose.

    Thanks, Whitechapel, for listening. You people are not so terrible; I want you to remember that.
  1.  (10163.56)

    I feel for you mate. I really do. I'm currently dating an (somewhat more manageable, these days) alcoholic, and have been for almost 4 years.

    We had a rough patch for a while there that involved both of us being pretty drunk and her throwing a pint glass at me and hitting the shit out of me. The best you can do, it sounds like you did. You try to defend yourself the best you can without actually throwing any punches.

    You don't hit her, because you still have to live with yourself afterwards, regardless of whether she stays or goes, you still have to look yourself in the mirror the next day.
    (Afterwards, I made the statement, "If you ever feel like swinging at me again; make it good. Because the next time things get physical, will be the last time you ever see me." Because of the job, if I ever have a domestic disturbance call, I lose my job. It's that plain and simple for me. Luckily, the drinking has gone way down, and the fighting has gone to zero)
    I guess I can say you're better off now, though I'm sure that doesn't mean too much. The only advice I feel is appropriate, is don't confuse how shitty she may have treated you with how you actually deserve to be treated.

    When something similar happened to me, I was hurt and confused, and found it hard to talk to anyone about the situation. Because I'm a dumb male and sometimes machismo gets in the way of admitting that a woman threw a spectacular right cross on my jaw that hurt for several days, and later it made me cry. How do you tell your "best bro" that, and still be a man? I'm not about to go to some support group for battered boyfriends.

    Thank the Gods for Whitechapel, because it really helped me through that. I can tell you people much more than I can tell people who are supposedly close to me. You already are doing the right thing by venting a bit, and you seem fairly self aware of what happened and how you're dealing. Keep it up; it gets better.
    • CommentTimeAug 24th 2011

    I have a deep fear that I will love her for the rest of my life, maybe more than anyone I meet in the future.

    That's a fear I've become well acquainted with. After my breakup this spring I had that on repeat in my brainpan, and people kept telling me I'll get over it. And what do you know, I did, over this past month or so. It's too bad that the feelings I once had have turned into a slight resentment, but at least I no longer feel that damn longing for something that never actually became real.

    Short version: I guess it's my turn to be the one to tell you things will get better. You'll see someone and (possibly only afterwards) realise that during that contact you no longer had her on your mind. It doesn't even matter if nothing comes of it, just the realisation itself is wonderful.

    (I understand I'm projecting like a matriphile here, but still. Sympathies. 2011 has been such a shit year for far too many good people.)
    • CommentTimeAug 24th 2011

    Hang in there, you crazy diamonds, hang in there. Life can't always kick people as awesome as you in the head. It's impossible.

    @trini_naenae, @razrangel:

    Thanks for the well wishes. They mean a lot to me.

    Guys, girls, ladies, gents... I got the job. They called me today and said they wanted to hire me. I accepted. I... I got my dream job. I can't believe I got my dream job. THERE'S NO CRYING AT WHITECHAPEL, DAMMIT. For the first time in months I do not need to worry about my immediate future. I got The Job.

  2.  (10163.59)
    @Tedcroland - I'm going to join in the chorus of people who both have been in relationships with emotionally abusive women. In my experience, they aren't going to change unless they want to and you enabling isn't going to give them any reason to want to. You are totally better off outside of that death spiral. The drama is like a drug and when it's gone, you wonder what you're going to fill that space in your life with. Eventually you'll figure out something productive.

    It sounds like you're doing some introspection, which is good. A bit of therapy would probably not hurt if you could afford it. The key is to figure out how to break the cycle. I've been told there's good women out there, hold out for one of them. Being single isn't the end of the world.

    Your post also starts off sounding like you may have some self-esteem shit to work out, which could by why you feel you deserve(?) to be treated like crap. You don't. No one does. Without getting all vile huggy, you have something unique to offer the world and a right to seek happiness. Figure out what the former is and how you'll get the latter. Focus on that. Anything else is a waste of time.
    • CommentAuthorScrymgeour
    • CommentTimeAug 24th 2011
    nothing wrong with living with folks, I've jumped back there a brace of times in as many years, normally just to get my head together about work and stuff.

    For me well.....26 graduated a while ago and still waiting for a decent job to happen, still a waiter but making the cash. Just wish there were more heritage jobs out there, it is seriously dead man's shoes. I also think i may get turned down for volunteer work too..... They won't even let me be a slave....
    desperately wishing i did a media degree or something rather than an academic one that was pushed on me by school etc....
    fucking rubbish