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    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 1st 2011
     (10163.81)
    Hi you lovely people. I'm in state of full existential dread. "My" detox is getting heavier and more surreal by the second. I've had a few hours kip...woke 3 times with torture rack cramps in lower legs. They(legs) decided to stop working yester day as I crippled back from politically corect power wielding Drug Dependency UNIT in North End Road,Fulham, London. I have to see a good shrink to work through total recall of all the horror,abuse,death etc i've been privy to. As a child i was at loopy moms friends flat. This ok seeming guy came in and seemed real friendly..talking to me etc. A couple of weeks later I watched the police put the dead body of a little boy he had sexually abused and murdered into a black body bag beside a bush on the docks of the river Tyne where it enters the North Sea. I will never shake the image from my head. I think my server just fucked up..even more feeling of sharing into the void. Take care out there.
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      CommentAuthorkahavi
    • CommentTimeSep 1st 2011
     (10163.82)
    @Osmosis, @Alan Tyson: Thank you! :)

    This week saw the end of my summer contract and me busting my left foot. So while I am on vacation now, I'm also hopping around on crutches. Thankfully the weather is horrid, so I'm happy to stay inside and read books. (Love books.)

    Right now, my life is okay. I'm happy with it. This is a rare treat, and I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest... by reading books. Books are awesome.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 1st 2011
     (10163.83)
    @Kahavi- books are fucking great. fuck reading class stuff using tech. you can bond with a book,you can break its spine,smell the bark,treat 'em mean and keep 'em kean,spoil a page with soiled fingers,take 'em to the bog when you drop a log, etc. Enjoy your time out mate. Hey, i got a crutch to. They are good for a laugh!!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 1st 2011
     (10163.84)
    shit..hope i shared that with the correct person..me need a cuppa an' a fag..BOOKS! FABULOUS!!
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      CommentAuthorkahavi
    • CommentTimeSep 1st 2011
     (10163.85)
    @flecky: Books = awesome. Crutches = instant hilarity, at least amongst my friends. And don't worry, you shared with the right person. :)
  1.  (10163.86)
    Absolute horrorshow of a fortnight. Not wanting to share too much here, but has been very painful, particularly for my partner. She's in hospital at the moment, she'll be all right I think, and hopefully out this morning, but it's been a mess.

    I had to take care of the kids last night - she had gone into hospital for a blood test and collapsed when she got out of the car and been admitted. She had the girls with her, and I had to come back from work to pick them up, which is two and a half hours away. I realised, as I was driving them home, that in nearly nine years of being a parent, I'd never looked after any of them for a night on my own. Pretty much because my partner's such a control freak, and we'd often had her mother around to help out, but that was a pretty stark flash of knowledge.

    It's also my birthday today, but I think that's on hold for a while. I'll have a second one, like the queen, when things are more normal.
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      CommentAuthorglukkake
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011 edited
     (10163.87)
    My stabbity is high this morning. Frantically tying up loose ends for the big project this week, dealing with 5000 emails and coordinating things.
    And then the woman who was supposed to move into a new place with me at the last minute ditched me. It was to help her other friend, so I understand that she had to make a tough decision of who to leave holding the bag. But still. Fuuuuuuuucccckkkkkkk. This screws up my time table for moving out, might require me to blow more money on sublets and I might even have to end up moving into a tiny room instead of having the lease on a place that could be my next home for years. If I could figure out how to make a few hundred dollars more per month I could consider a 1 bedroom for myself, but I don't know where I could find that at this point.

    Grr. Argh.
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      CommentAuthorFauxhammer
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011
     (10163.88)
    Going to Dragoncon tomorrow. There will be drinking.
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      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011
     (10163.89)
    Well, by getting an overdraft of exactly 67 cents my bank charged me $22, leaving my weekly $50 paycheck up to about $28. Nooooot feeling too great about that. With most of that money going in to the bill pile, there goes boxing lessons next week followed by any beer I wanted to get over the long weekend.

    This week I've been determining some dieting rules to myself to keep in check. NO, it is not okay to respond to stress by eating crap food. NO, it is not okay to respond to eating crap food by not eating at all the next day. Argh. Simple rules, but considering that on average for this summer I've eaten about a meal a day, if that, it's stuff I'm gonna slam in to my head more. It's only been this summer, though.

    Other than that, this week has been eh. Looking forward to getting some relaxing in at the cottage for the long weekend.
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      CommentAuthorallana
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011
     (10163.90)
    I think I preferred open mics when they were only open for a limited time. It helps you condense the events in your life, rather than spewing out play-by-plays.

    Right now I'm arguing with my landlord. I was trying to be polite and make it seem like I was just advising him of his (limited) rights, but in truth he seems to have some powerful misconceptions about the things he can demand from his tenants. How do I tell him as kindly as I can that I am definitely not going to be following most of the stuff he wrote into the lease? (Rhetorical question. I got this one.)

    Still unemployed. Still not stressing about it, though I probably should be. I'm more concerned with finding ways to spend my time that aren't prohibitively expensive. The beach might be the best option at this point. Last night an impromptu meet for drinks was vastly improved with a found twenty dollar bill and a warning from a cop. That was funny. I guess there's not much to report. I'm gonna go saw some stuff now.
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      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011
     (10163.91)
    @allana, the beach is great. I also enjoy going on long, all-day walks throughout the city. In particular walking across bloor from Bathurst to Pape is a wonderful walk. So is walking along Queen st. E just before Broadview. The kind of walks where you come across a nice little cafe or pub and decide to take a break with a small drink. Just a suggestion, anyways!

    And yeah, I liked these when it was just over the weekend. I think it got extended because Si's off with his wife.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011
     (10163.92)
    Bastard internet..once again because i am utter shite with tech and just can't be get it together to comcentrate on fucking anything...see... i just spelt concentrate using a m instead of an n..

    This detox from most foul Methadone is horrible..me no lie . I am totally chemically fucked. Went to a N.A meeting this morning and broke down like the deranged head fuck ripe sick piece of meat with a brain that i am. "My name is flecky and i used to be in The AUTHORITY!"..."Hi flecky!!". "Yeah, I've spent all night in the bleed..The multiverse is folding in on itself! Me and Apollo had a bit of a falling out last night because I spilt a cup of coffee on the old duvet..etc'

    I'VE not met any fellow fucktard addict in N.A who is into comics! For some weird reason out of the 40 or 50 i've asked 2 have said "I've read some Frank Miller.." and thats it! I feel like saying in the next meeting i go to that Warren Ellis is my loving God and The Freakangels are my higher power just to confuse the shit out of them!! He He..addicts..you got to love 'em or else you will kill 'em!


    London today was all awash with the madness of humanity.This city is so fucked..or is it just me? I can't help it..I walk around like Spider on a bad day!


    OK,time to eat some scram..

    MEAT!!!
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      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011
     (10163.93)
    @allana This particular thread keeps going because no one took up Si's original thought of starting a new thread once a week until he returned from his honeymoon. I kind of do like the idea of open mics available only for a limited time - say Friday afternoon through Sunday night (a hard midday Saturday to early morning Sunday was sometimes hard to meet). But I like venting and holding my week up to the light even more.

    This week utterly fell apart on me - and I do mean week. Since last Friday shit hasn't been going right and I haven't been up to fighting back or establishing any lines whatsoever. I've been a mess. It's been shocking and bewildering but now it's starting to tip into irritating. Stuff not under my control went wrong though little was completely disastrous, if still challenging. The truck broke down and my mom had to pay for the repairs (not as bad as it could have been but it added a few hundred dollars to what I already owe her); my oldest brother had to move back into the house which was on its way but went from happening over this coming weekend to first thing Monday morning. OB is...a difficult person to live with...or otherwise have in one's life. Monday night, right away, we had to deal with a lot of what makes it difficult. Suffice to say he needs regular medication so that he is only "difficult" and not "frightening."

    Stuff that was under my control - discipline, focus, work - barely got done. Time has gotten utterly wasted on pointless shit, games and for-fun reading, and somehow I just couldn't tear away from it. I'd sit there thinking I should stop watching old SNL videos on Hulu - they're not going anywhere - and get some work done and ...I'd just keep watching them. Just call my motivation "Godot," I spent all week sitting around waiting for it to show up. It screwed me for class as I didn't get homework done and I wasn't prepared for a pop quiz. I've been running late to the few things I've had to get to this week... This is ass. It was hard to get motivation going when I had to invent my life on a daily basis but now I thought I should at least be able to put some attention to my work, now that I know where I'm going.

    I wonder how normal people do, people driven, motivated, ambitious and eager. I know what I want but it's such a passive thing. I still have to pull my drive together every single day. Going from lounging to kicking ass and taking names takes effort, but it's not so much if kicking ass is the default. Or even just moving. Getting shit done. Most people seem to just do it without having to talk themselves into it on a regular basis. The energy it takes to overcome inertia is huge. it's exhausting. But inertia seems to be my default; if I don't get at least a little every once in a while the stress completely does me in. God, I don't know.

    i have a lot to do. Shit I've put off, stuff people need my help with, projects I swore I'd get done, my whole damn life that's just waiting for me to live. all the regular things that would be done if I made them routine are laying around my world, looking at me and shrugging. The room is a mess, I haven't exercised in a week and I've reacquainted myself with the hateful feeling of eating fast food when I'm not craving but kind of stuck because I don't have an option for eating anything else. Ages-old body anxieties are resurfacing and blending with everything else to weigh me down. God, I feel so gross.
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      CommentAuthorallana
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011
     (10163.94)
    I'm talking about a weekend-only thread, definitely.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011
     (10163.95)
    @ all. Yeah, I reckon a weekend open mike would be cool. I feel (just my fooked opinion) that now the freakangels comicus has reached completion and the wonderful Uncle Warren has done so much for us yet had to split that the open mike feels like a sinking ship and the rats have fled it looking for sad crap on face wank or whatever. This may be due to my state of pending existential paranoia...I miss the madness of open mike "back in the day" when it felt like being in Arkham Asylum with Mr Ellis playing the roll of a insidious secretary...still, i'm using it as a place to share the horror of my dope fiend detox!


    Maybe a seperate thread thing going 24/7 would be nice..so people who need to express,share etc. could vent etc.I would most definitely use it as this is the only site i feel (sometimes) at home in.


    Detox update. Patient flecky managed to get a few hours sleep.They was filled to the vat of sick with usual twisted dreams yet fairly inokuos.The ultra sex bomb imaginary nurse has just delivered his meds and he will orally ingest the wee pills when finished tap,tap a taping this mind durge in.

    Tis 4.25 a.m in Shepherds Bush London and all is unwell...
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      CommentAuthorallana
    • CommentTimeSep 3rd 2011
     (10163.96)
    In direct contravention to my earlier statement (although this is a more genuine Saturday Night post):

    I just went from relaxed-evening-alone to emotional-wreck: my landlord is now threatening me and alluding to some weird harassment-worthy activities on his part. I'm genuinely creeped out and I'm not sure I want to stay in my own apartment alone. I'm still within my rights, and now I have grounds to take legal action against him with this latest email. So that's cool. Except for the whole freaking-out thing.

    A few weeks ago I had a nice new friendship turn sour real quick: I asked a guy I had just met to slow it down a little (and alluded to the fact that I wasn't interested in him romantically) and then went a few days without contacting him. He wrote to me, and it was weird. He seemed to be responding to something I hadn't written. Lo and behold, he had actually written a fake response, posing as me, clarifying my earlier email, softening the blow, and putting a bunch of words in my mouth. And then responded to it. As though it were real. And sent them both to me. Like that was okay. I'm still incensed by it: it was basically intellectual rape, as far as I'm concerned. But the dude was generally just a friendly (and nervous) and intelligent guy. My new rhetorical question is, why are the freaks coming out of the fucking woodwork at me? It's just the heat, right? I haven't actually begun to attract the crazies? It's not a good omen for my reunion with this city.
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      CommentAuthorFishelle
    • CommentTimeSep 3rd 2011
     (10163.97)
    I think I preferred open mics when they were only open for a limited time. It helps you condense the events in your life, rather than spewing out play-by-plays.


    I agree. It kind of made the whole thread matter more, only having it every once in a while.

    Anyway, I'm feeling a bit down at the moment. I've started school with an artist's block, and it's not been good. I really hate the piece I'm working on for my printmaking class right now. I feel utterly useless, because I can't even manage to do the one thing that I'm supposed to be good at. I really want to make art about so many things. I need to make art about so much that I've been feeling, but I'm having a harder time than I ever have before translating feelings into images.

    It's been so easy in the past. A phrase or something will just keep replaying in my head, and I find a way to say it better in a two dimensional space. (At least, that's how I've gotten ideas more recently, when not given an assignment with a theme.) It's a way of thinking that often leads to text being included in my work, but I'm more than okay with that. The phases "I miss you" and "What do you want more than anything in the whole world?" were easy successes for me. I've got similar things running through my mind, but I just can't get them past the point of thinking I need to make art about them. "I want to know what to expect," has been written in my sketchbook in like 10 different places now. And none of those pages have any related images. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Did my creativity break after a summer without proper use? I feel broken.

    That's another thing. I really just want to know what to expect. I'm in a new place, and I don't know how anything works. Transferring has been difficult, as I started right off with a new teacher in his advanced print class, with a room full of people who already know each other and each other's work. I want to know how long it will be before I don't feel completely out of place. More than that, I want to know if this boy that I love so much is going to come back just long enough to say goodbye again like he's planning right now, if I should even bother putting in the effort. I can't ask him to put off his art school plans for me. I wouldn't expect him to ask me to stop my plans for school. But really, if I felt like the only option for us to be together was for me to quit school and not get a BFA, I might actually do it. Maybe I'll feel different in a year when I actually see him and we aren't communicating just through letters anymore. But right now I'm willing to do so much, and it sucks that that one person I'd do anything for isn't ever going to be willing to make any of the same sort of sacrifice. I also wish I knew what to expect money-wise. I want to know if I'm going to be able to find a job. And if not, how am I going to pay the bills? I get annoyed with my parents for not giving me money for what I need to survive, but that's not really the problem. If they made it clear that they couldn't, now or ever, fine. I could live with that. But when I say I'm struggling, they say I should be asking them for help. And when I do go to them, they say they can't help me. It's this endless cycle of frustration.

    I feel useless.
  2.  (10163.98)
    @Fishelle: I think that is what my former drawing teacher calls the "oh shit" phase of the creative process. Let's see if I can remember it... 1)The idea/research/reflection 2)starting the work 3)oh shit it isn't working 4)redo/continue working until you figure it out 4)Arts! Well, something like that. I have it on a printout somewhere. Ironically, I'm more or less a failed artist at the moment, so my advice isn't really worth that much.

    A lot of it has to do with a lack of response. I post stuff online but other than a few "likes" on tumblr, there isn't much direction/reaction given. Though to be fair, I don't comment on other people's stuff all that much either. And unlike Fresno when I had friends who were artists and took art classes and could get responses from them, I really don't have anyone to show my stuff to (besides my mom and my boss, who acts like am mom), and well, I just don't care anymore. That could be my meds talking. The thing is, you do care. Remember that. And while you are in a new place, you're taking classes, and you're bound to start going in the right direction.

    I know all too much about moving to new places, and while it's rough and confusing at first, it almost always gets better. You'll become a different person, and grow from it. Don't be afraid to ask for encouragement/help/advice from your sister. Maybe you just need to stop thinking about what to expect. It is a bit unknowable, isn't it? Instead of trying to figure out what to except, why not just slow down and observe what is going on? It will get better, and maybe even clearer, but it takes time. And I don't know about anyone else here, but I've long stopped trying to figure out what to expect from my life.
  3.  (10163.99)
    I spent around 8 hours on a piece of work, only to realise AFTER I HAD FINISHED that it's rather badly flawed to the degree that it was pointed out to me immediately. I Knew it was wrong, but I guess staring at it all day had made me target blind. On the upside, I can fix it, and I am drawing again, steadily, and not shirking, or putting it off. It was with regret that I realised last week that I'd actually spited myself rather badly, by ever stopping drawing, and I can't get the years of possible development back, but despite that, and my gross error, I feel fairly full of myself, I only hope it keeps up.
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      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeSep 4th 2011 edited
     (10163.100)
    Got woken up at about six in the morning, today. Friend of mine (I've talked about her before - some of you know her name - fact, come to think of it, just about every time I've got something to say into the mic, it's been about her) got about this close to opening her veins with a razor. She hangs up in the middle of me trying to talk her out of it, and won't pick up again. I go to work for six hours, very certain in that twisty corner of my stomach that she's dead.

    And all I can even come close to conjuring, as far as emotions go, is... relief. Calm, stupid, cool-forehead relief.

    She's not dead. Before I had to go to work, I managed to grab the number of the police for the city she lives in, and they managed to track her down before things got too bad. But they're still pretty bad. Turns out her reasoning for wanting to do this was she found out some pretty wretched things about the fellow she's shacking up with. I'm talking some very bad things. She needs to get out of there. But she very simply won't. In a very real way, if she'd died this morning, he'd be the one that killed her. One day, he probably will.

    And here I am, four time zones and 2,500 miles away, with no money for gas or a plane ticket, armed with only a cold certainty that even if I could convince her to leave, he wouldn't let her, and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. He's big, you see, and old, and smart.

    This sucks.

    Thanks for listening, Whitechapel.