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    • CommentAuthoricelandbob
    • CommentTimeSep 12th 2011
    Jon just read you post and it's such a bummer on all counts. Manly Bro hugs and good thoughts to you frmo up here.

    so there hasn't really been that much to report over the last couple of weeks. that's because i'Ve been busy beavering away working my day job and writing like a mother. We have a major music festival coming up in a month and it's going to get a little crazy in the run up as we have to interview bands and artists, create the information booklet and then review EVERY band playing, all the while tending to our various drug/alcohol/sexual dependencies....

    But last weekend we took a break to the East of CIeland... to go sheep rustling! I kid you not. They call it the "Réttir" and basically all the farms in the area get everyone together and bring the sheep down from the hills by Horse, Quadbike, 4x4 and foot. It's really just a 4 hours trek while drinking beer and grabbing sheeps arses (that are caked in shit).

    In the evening they had the annual "Sheep Dance", which is basically just a hoe-down that's also a bring your own booze, where all the local kids get a chance to get blotto and share saliva and various diseases. It was ok i suppose. they just assumed i was too old but to be honest the music was a bit crap and old fashioned for my taste. We used to have these things when i was a teenager and they were crap then.

    Sigh.... i guess i AM getting old...
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeSep 12th 2011
    Jon... yikes, man. I'm sorry.
    • CommentTimeSep 13th 2011
    As of right now, I've called out of work tonight. I woke up from a nap, got ready, got to the car and promptly decided I just couldn't do it tonight. So I sent my boss a text and said I was sick. I just don't think I can tolerate it anymore, and for the life of me, I don't know why. It's not a bad place. Sure, the paperwork is irritating, and it gets stressful thanks to the awful communications that go on, and the pay/hours aren't enough to survive on nor allow a second job, but they do offer opportunity, good benefits, and past my own flaws, pretty good people. In all honesty, it makes me ashamed of myself.

    I know I'm looking to leave the place I live, to head where my close friends are and start anew, but I still don't have anything available to or for me. I'm pissing about with nothing to show for it, am wasting what I have, and can't shake the feeling that I've failed myself.

    I just want to delete this all for wasting your time.
  1.  (10205.24)
    @J0nCarp3nter - Please to check electromail.
    • CommentTimeSep 13th 2011
    @mister86 Not a waste of time. Also, if it makes you feel any better, I treated my last job in a similar matter. I called in sick one day because the thought of going into work did actually make me feel a little ill. If I'd had more leave, I would have called in sick almost every day. Sometimes, you just can't handle it. You're still doing better than I did, not having gotten to the point where you spend maybe 2 out of 10 hours every day actually working on something.
    • CommentAuthorDarkest
    • CommentTimeSep 13th 2011
    Am finally using my own laptop again! Short lived however since the Disc tray isn't working and the wireless connection is being iffy. Will sleep on it to make sure I'm not just getting unduly frustrated due to my lack of tech-know.

    My Shop (Niche Comics) may open soon. The renovation work is still going on and the progress while noticeable is kind of irritating. I want to be up and doing. I'm still a little worried about anchoring myself long term in my home town but I'm sure I'll figure something out. The most important thing other than providing a service to others is to get some stable money coming in (fingers crossed).

    Good luck to everyone with their stuff.
    • CommentTimeSep 13th 2011
    @ Jon - My deepest sympathies.

    For the first time in my adult life I am completely broke. Won't be for long but it has filled me with an unfamiliar sense of powerlessness that's profoundly disturbing. I've sort of been broke before but not to this extent. The situation definitely forced me to re-think a lot of things, as it will not change any time in the foreseeable future. I just can't live comfortably on what I make right now and I had been finding myself getting frighteningly close to this every month for the last half year or so. Sacrifices will have to be made...

    All the best to those of you dealing with tough situations right now.
  2.  (10205.28)
    Thanks all, thanks Si, appreciated.

    Am away for work for two nights, not what I need right now at all but couldn't be avoided - just want to be back home. Am in a hotel in Birmingham, partner didn't want me to go, doesn't want me to phone as she'll get upset. Potentially have mother-in-common-law turning up on Thurs and demanding to stay, even though she's been asked not to. Could be messy.

    In mundane news... have just paid £13 for a double gin and tonic. Which is more than ridiculous in a hotel that looks like one of those sink estates where the police only go in pairs. And they want £15 a day for broadband, thank christ I have a 3g card. Bastards. Am surprised they haven't made the whole fucking building into a faraday cage to prevent people from avoiding the fees.

    Ho hum.
  3.  (10205.29)
    @J0nCarp3nter Are you staying in the Hilton at the NEC? I remember being ripped off there at Eastercon this year.

    However, the Zurich burger I bought from the bar there was the best burger I've ever eaten in my life.
  4.  (10205.30)

    yup - did you guess from the description of the brutalist/fuhrer-esque architecture, or the usury of the bar charges? I believe a colleague of mine may have had the zurich burger and appreciated it, I on the other hand had a lukewarm vegetable balti...
  5.  (10205.31)
    @J0nCarp3nter - Both! I suggest if possible you avoid the in hotel Costa coffee and walk to the convention centre for your caffeine fix. The Zurich burger is the one that costs £14 and comes with a massive and delicious mushroom inside the bun. I wandered around the convention commenting on the Ballardian nature of the building and laughing at overweight old people dressed in military uniforms while wearing a white feather on my jacket's breast lapel.
    • CommentAuthorOmniaural
    • CommentTimeSep 14th 2011
    Sympathies to all of you who've gone before me. Nothing so big for me but they're my problems so I'll still vent if its okay.

    Its been over a year since I've split with my wife and I'm finding it tricky. I gave up a lot of myself for her over the 13 years of our marriage but eventually I realised that the reason she would never be happy with me is because she didn't want me she wanted someone else. Its not like it was even an actual person but an idea of a person she wanted and I did my damndest to become that person. Of course, that wasn't who I was and I kept failing.

    That's the past. The present is that now she HAS found someone that she seems to like. That's great and I'm happy for her but on another level I feel a lot of resentment. Since we split she has actually taken steps to sort herself out and has finally been diagnosed as Bi-Polar and is taking medication. This leaves me wondering if she had been bothered to confront this when we were together rather than blaming our problems on me whether we'd still be together.

    Also I started dating earlier this year too but as soon as I told her she went mad and started calling me and texting me every day over a couple of weeks telling me she couldn't cope and threatening to kill herself and also implying she might do the same with our kids. I did my best not to give in and eventually she stopped. needless to say the budding relationship I had wanted was now dead in the water.

    I'm not one to hold a grudge and there's no way I'd treat her the same way out of spite or revenge but I do feel upset that she expects me to accept that she is now dating when she couldn't do the same for me.

    The guy seems nice enough and my kids seem to like him (though part of me wishes they'd go all 'goggle-eyes' on him) and hopefully this a sign that she's moving on and settling down. If that was all it took for her to be happy I wish I'd left sooner (rather than give up two well-paid jobs attempting to save our marriage) and saved us both the heartache of the last few years.

    Whinge over.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeSep 14th 2011 edited
    Went to the doctor's yesterday because I can't shake the sore throat, neck ache or head ache and had the disturbing moment where I was disappointed I didn't have strep throat (because then I could have had the lovely antibiotics you see...), which means it's most likely viral and so I just get to suffer. Thankfully most of the symptoms have gone away with the exception of the throat. It feels like every time I yawn or otherwise stretch my mouth open wide, or tilt my head back, that my the inside of my throat is cracking and tearing. Swallowing sucks but yawns are so much worse. As usual, the wife is getting it even harder than I did (I joked this morning it was my hearty Slav genes that allowed me to recover faster; she threw a book at my head) so I'm taking care of her and the kid.
    • CommentTimeSep 14th 2011
    I keep thinking I'm forgetting something.
    I have no idea how this is all going to turn out.
    Terror. That's the name of it.
    It won't help. It just sits in the corner, mocking me, eating all the chocolate.

    Tomorrow is the drive of forever with a pissed off ragecat and home-assembled trail mix. I'm hoping the dark chocolate M&M's stave off exhaustion and poor decision making.
  6.  (10205.35)
    I'm still broke and unemployed and no-one wants to hire me. I'm gonna be skint for my holiday at the end of October which I booked when I actually had money. On the other hand, I do actually have all the holiday stuff booked so I get to see my girlfriend for the first time in 6 months, I've been writing a lot more, applying for the sort of jobs I actually want to do (in addition to more menial stuff to bring the cash in) and my friend asked me to help him with his webcomic which is lots of fun.

    • CommentTimeSep 14th 2011
    I kinda squee'd when I realized that when I recognized your name, it was because it was one of a 'Chapeler. I've loved Mitch Clem's stuff for years and years now. So congrats! NNTS is gonna be even awesomer.
    • CommentTimeSep 15th 2011
    Holy crap, you're working with Mitch Clem? NN2S was my first exposure to the rabid fandom of webcomics. Remember that first week the forum started, in 2002 or 2003? I was, like, three days late to the party, and already the obsessive clique-ing was in full swing. NN2S practically made me what I am - it introduced me to the Mountain Goats and a whole world of fairy indie crap, anyways.
    • CommentTimeSep 15th 2011

    Oh man I know your frustration with being right on the doorstep of the weight you want to be. The last ten or fifteen pounds are the absolute hardest! You have to work like 4 times as hard just to lose them, and then they come back quickly if you let your guard down at all.

    Late last year I decided to get serious about losing weight and building some muscle. I'm pudgier than I look with clothes on, and was having real self-esteem issues related to fat on my chest and gut, and getting older, and just in general thinking it was on it's way downhill.

    I joined a 6 week program that I stretched out to 8 or 9 weeks, following a really strict veggies & meat only diet, no sugar, no alcohol, only water. I stuck to that, and did weight training 3 times a week. In 7ish weeks I went from the picture on the left to the picture on the right:

    before and after

    So I felt great taking that second picture. But I really had about 10 more pounds to lose at that point, to be at the weight/bodyfat place I wanted to be. And I just couldn't do it. I couldn't keep up the diet. I drifted away from the exercise.

    Now, several months later, I'm more or less back at the first picture. I feel pretty bad about that.

    Coming to terms with how I look has always been a big issue. I've never felt attractive. Even when other people think I am. I always feel like it's just a game they are playing with me, or it'll pass.

    I'm trying these days to come to some kind of peace with the idea that I'll always have some kind of a gut. I'm getting to an age where it just isn't realistic to pursue the kind of body that only happens to boys with more athletic habits than I care to cultivate. I'm going to eat sugar sometimes and drink beer. Maybe I can bulk up muscularly some. But I need to reimagine my body closer to the shape it seems to want to take, not the shape I want it to take.

    You are never seen by others the way you see yourself. I guess that's a good thing when you see yourself too critically.
    • CommentTimeSep 16th 2011
    Y'know, Bill, I seem to recall an unfulfilled request for n00dz...

    My weight hasn't really fluctuated more than twenty pounds since I was 14 or so, so maybe my contribution to the discussion isn't so valuable. But I prefer to think of my body in terms of what it can do, rather than what it is. I'm happyish with how I look, but I still want to be able to run really fast and climb trees like a spider-monkey. Yep, that's a real goal. So I'm heading to the track several times a week and trying to develop upper-body strength. I did the gym thing for a year, but working out isn't its own reward. I'd be way more interested as exercise as a side effect of, say, learning to fight, or the manual labour that's been my greatest source of income for the past five years. I know that's really a lifestyle thing, and desks/computers don't work that way, but I think real bodily comfort comes when it does what you ask of it, not just how you look in your friend's Facebook pictures. Arbitrary weight goals just seem weird, when you could have a cool goal like knocking somebody out or regularly beating your own record.

    (But, also, I bleed for fun, so my idea of "my body does what I ask of it" is maybe a bit distorted sometimes?)
    • CommentTimeSep 16th 2011 edited
    Bill & Allana, thanks for sharing. And Allana, you NEED to go to Newsgirls! It's somewhat kind of near where you live so you have no excuse! Well, except for money, which is why I don't go anywhere near as much as I'd like to. And Bill, HEY YEAH! What happened to those nudes!

    For me, things got out of hand a few years ago and at some point I did recognize a problem. College and unemployment kind of took it's toll on me in my early 20s and I let myself get to a point that I'd never thought I would. Shortly after my brother died, I guess inspired by a need to get fit for my own health so I don't die early, I started running, walking more and eating less. Within a year and a half I lost 60lbs and went from searching around the mall for three hours looking for something in an XXL size to being able to walk in to any store and get something in an M or L (women sizes fluctuate so much it's weird). Then of course, last winter came and I gained about ten pounds and I've been pretty much stuck with that weight up until last week when my body yielded and let me lose three pounds. But still, the amount that I lost still feels great and I now have a wonderful assortment of nightshirts that used to be my old wardrobe. I really do look like a whole other person.

    But in regards to exercise...while losing weight is important to me, I think it stopped being the primary goal for me a while back and became something that I just enjoyed doing. Running became "meditation time", a guaranteed point in the day where I was able to clear my head. And boxing...well, I like hitting people and having people shout "go Valkyrie" when I'm in the ring with someone. And after both of those things, when you've exerted yourself, the endorphin kick just...well, if I had a partner they might be jumped on a regular basis. It's that good.

    But like Bill, coming to terms with how I look has always been a problem. I've managed to make it work for me with a tomboyish personality, but I don't think I've ever really been satisfied with appearance. Especially in summer when the petite girls in tube tops and short-shorts seem to almost invade the city. I won't even get in to the ads, because we all know about that crap.

    That said though, there's some things I've come to terms with. I'll always be this tall (I started liking that fact about a year ago. And as a friend said, being this tall allows me to loom over people. I like looming), I'll always have this frame (hey, at least it works for me in the ring and I don't get mugged) and, as Bill said, you are never seen by others the way you see yourself (I'm actually starting to take compliments as something the person believes to be true now, rather than a joke or a "good for you" throwaway line due to the weight loss) and I should be thankful that my weight spreads itself out so damn well (won't reveal what I weigh just yet, but it's WAY more than people think it is. If I were shorter and had this weight I would NOT be a size medium).Coming to terms with those truths started out hard, and anyone following me on twitter will know that it still buggers things up for me time to time, but I'm starting to take comfort in them.