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: OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)
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Horrible Warning Si
Sep 16th 2011
You know how this goes by now, right?
Open Mic is a tradition founded by Spacedaddy Warren. I'm experimenting with launching it on Fridays rather than Sundays, on the grounds that most of us have accumulated a working-week's-worth of toxicity and hatred, and the sooner we can trepan our collective psyches the better.
To paraphrase herr Ellis:
This is your judgement-free space to vent, get stuff out of your head and otherwise experience special Internet Catharsis. Screaming into a well, 21C-style.
Instructions: Tell us about your week. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.
I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.
Sep 16th 2011
I just finished the first week at my dream job. I love it. It's everything I hoped it would be, and in someways more. It scares me. It inspires me. I hope I am good enough at this, and I hope I get to keep this job as long as possible.
Tomorrow... today is my birthday. I'm heading off to Helsinki to spend the day there with my dear friends. It's going to be fun, I think. After the summer I've had, fun is good.
I'm rooting for each and every one of you beautiful, crazy people. I hope life treats you guys well; it certainly should treat you better. It's a little thing, but I well and truly wish only the best for you and your loved ones.
Sep 16th 2011
My only real complaints this week are about politics, but I suspect that everyone in the world has those.
In a couple of weeks I turn 50. I'd hoped to have gotten all of those hideous Turning 50 medical tests out of the way by now so the only thing I had to worry about on my birthday was the theoretical closer to the grave shit, but now I still have the hideous medical tests to worry about.
Sep 17th 2011
It's possible I will have a sizeable art/creative studio space in a very cool former industrial location east of the LA river come Monday.
This could be a significant development.
I shall keep you informed as events develop.
Sep 17th 2011
0.o looking forward to hearing more, @oddbill.
Happy birthday, @kahavi!! (and happy bday when it gets here, StefanJ) Aren't satisfying jobs awesome. *knocking on wood for ya*
Crazy week that started off with getting screwed before Traffic Court for some crap. if I had $500 sitting around doing nothing I could have fought the damn stop light-camera-issued ticket, but I don't. No idea what else to do I tried to hope for some mercy & plead guilty. Damn stupid, huh? Still have to pay the $500 - or $50 on Monday (if this works, might not) and sign up for community service. either way I still get a strike on my driver's license and you just know my car insurance is going to shoot up. The bitch of it all is that I know I made a safe damn stop. GAH.
Did what I could to shake it off, that was afternoon on Monday. That evening I had my first-ever Viewpoints and Suzuki class. A little hard to explain, they're theatrical styles that are first and foremost explored through the body, through moving in space and around an ensemble. Well, Suzuki is through the body and Viewpoints is through space and relationships to everything on stage, including everyone else. But, insisted the instructors, it's not a movement style. I
they just don't want us to think of these techniques as ways of moving, the way Alexander technique and other styles are. Alexander among others trains practitioners to move with efficiency and fluidity, but it doesn't really touch on acting. It frees up the body to be able to do more (and give a more theatrical quality to the movement), but you have to bring your own acting. So far Suzuki is so intense what i'm finding is that it's nothing short of an exercise that forces my mind to be in the same moment as my body. When I'm working at it I don't have any room in my mind for any other thoughts, the muscles in my legs are clamped in position, shaking furiously and hurting like hell and the nerves are just sparking, completely, utterly alive to the moment. Oh, and i'm sweating buckets. The pain from the sore muscles has
come down to a manageable level, some three days after the last class.
Tuesday, again with the Suzuki and Viewpoints. They were harder and made more sense. But mostly harder. The muscles were furious with me for the Suzuki and I could barely move. The brain was sliding all over the place and could barely focus. When it came time for Viewpoints, it's salient focus being relating to the space and to my fellows on stage, I couldn't stop doubting myself and what was going on. And the funny thing about both Suzuki and Viewpoints is they immediately reveal any wandering thoughts. Ugh.
Monday night I went to my friend's house after class to find that the house would soon not be hers. Well, she had been talking about moving more and more, but a roommate got the drop on her and found his own place to move into. That would basically leave her alone with a crazy druggy roomie and (theoretically) another cool person who we never saw thanks to a blooming relationship. So Monday night the friend was up late with her housemates drafting a letter to their very scary landlady about their intent to end their residence. And I wanted to help...and I drive a truck...and normally I grumble about this kind of thing but... it looks like I'll be headed back this weekend to help my friend move. I owe her huge so I have to do it. And I brought it up. And I feel, by turns, smug and guilty that I'm helping her move. Other friends have asked and I've either grudgingly agreed or i've turned them down. I hate driving a truck. I hate it even more when other people tell me it must be convenient for moving. Yes, convenient for other people moving. Guh.
But I loved that haus, I loved the people who lived in it. They were such an awesome tribe and they let me in, let me crash whenever, became my friends. Man it sucks that the era is over. This summer it really crumbled to bits. }:< And I don't even have the cash for a goodbye wine on the porch and pack of smokes.
falling behind on Japanese and I'll have to miss the next class which is the only class left before a big test. Urk. Must carry on with Viewpoints/Suzuki. The training is courtesy SITI members who studied with the folks who directly developed the styles. It's a rare opportunity, the importance of which I cannot understate. More and more, if you're going to expressionistic theatre (which I love) you're going employ viewpoints. It's a cornerstone at my theatre, so if i really want to do right by my ensemble brethren, I have got to learn what it's about. Just sucks that I'm floundering at my other class.
the rest of the week has been about thinking and studying and begging my legs to hate me just a little bit less.
Sep 17th 2011
It's the end of a quarter at the institution today, which means schedule-change time. I've been on a day shift for the past three quarters, that's nine months, and I've been waking up every day at 4:30am and I am not a morning person. So I got a new assignment, and it looks like I'll spend the next three months on the midnight shift: 11pm-7am. But I'm also scheduled on this thing called Sick & Annual, which means I cover other people's sick days and vacation days, which means an unpredictable schedule. My days off will change week by week, which means I can work anywhere from 5-10 days in a row with no days off, no overtime. Also they can change my schedule so that I work back to back shifts (16hrs in a day) without overtime, with little notice. I could also have to work one day, get eight hours off, and have to come right back. I'm already supposed to do that this coming Wednesday. That's why Sick & Annual is lovingly referred to as "Sick & Dick."
On the plus side, it pays more. Also, I normally won't have to get up so early anymore; though my sleep cycle will take some time to adjust. I may even end up with some weekends off every once in a while.
Thinking I'm taking my old lady to see The Debt this weekend. Dinner & a movie date. 'Cause she's all worried we won't see much of each other during my new schedule. It's nice to actually be missed sometimes.
Sep 17th 2011
Fairly monstrous week. Biggest week of the year at work, annual conference and some big corporate changes which I'd been managing some parts of. A few things went pear-shaped due to people not having done things they'd told us they'd done, which resulted in me and a colleague working a 29 hour shift to try and sort things out before a couple of senior managers turned up to throw more bodies at it so we could finally go home... And the next two weeks won't be much better, was due to be on holiday from the end of this week but that isn't going to happen now. Am totally exhausted, just trying to get my breath back over the weekend before it all kicks off again Monday.
And at home it's been pretty fraught. My partner is still in bits over losing the baby, she has good days and bad days, but mostly bad days right now. She's made peace, just about , with her mother, but won't let her stay here (she's over here from spain right now but staying with friends, not us). She's ducked out of an event with my family tomorrow, which I'll be going to with the girls. I just want her to be happy again, but I know that's going to take a lot of time and patience. I've got to start looking after myself again, feel shabby and shambolic, like I've not been bothering at all.
Right now I'm in the shed, with beer, listening to the rain drumming on the roof. And listening to Tindersticks, which may or may not be a good move, as they tend to make me pretty emotional. It might be cathartic though.
@Oddbill - very cool, tell us more...
@everyone, peace and love to you all...
Sep 17th 2011
@Jon - guh, sounds like a rough week you've had there. Hunker down fella.
Sep 17th 2011
Yeah when i saw your google+ post about being up and working for like... forever, i was a bit concerned for a moment. But it's good to see that you're hanging in there. Remember.... Struggle is a privilege. I can sometimes only really feel alive when someone is metaphorically (or physically) punching me in the face.
I've also just now realised that last sentence probably won't help much. Fuck it. WE have alcohol and friendship!
Sep 17th 2011
It's been a very rough year.
I should warn you, this is sad/angry venting and more than just a weeks worth.
Quick summary: Dad was hit by a car in the last couple days of January.
He was in a 6 month coma and for a while it seemed like he might come out of it, maybe even recover... but unfortunately he didn't.
It was a long and drawn out nightmare.
When he passed, it was almost a relief. We miss him terribly.
Last month, just as it seemed like we were bouncing back
someone that I grew up with and considered a dear friend, committed suicide.
I took this news rather hard. This person meant a lot to me.
That's a little bit more than just the tip of the iceberg, but it's certainly the sharpest bit.
The rest is just, you know... shit icing on a 'fuck you' cake.
This week has been better.
Listening to REM daily helps me heal, helps me get through the darker times.
Recently I started writing my attempt at a Sci-fi novel again,
after the last attempt turned out to be a subconscious rehashing of Judge Dredd.
I've stripped it of good ideas and now I'm using it's skeleton.
I'm excited once again about where it's going and I try put to down a couple hundred words whenever I can.
Stephie has been drawing a birthday gift for one of our friends and it's been coming along very nicely.
She is nearly finished with it.
We have big plans and many times we feel overwhelmed,
but in reality, it's nothing that we can't handle and we know it.
We just gotta pull our shit together and work our asses off for what we want.
'Laziness is to be treated like a cockroach, stomped when detected.'
The challenge makes us smile, to be honest. We are just rambunctious like that.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Tonight, we drink.
Cheers to you, the good people of Whitechapel!
Sep 17th 2011
I'm in a crap head space at the moment. This week has really been good/shite. Honest I don't know what the fook is going on..All this year all I seem to be doing is detoxing off fooking methadone and valium and crack and other shite that has been my life.
On the whole i'm doing really good..or so the few good people i've met at Narcotics Anonymous say. I'm off the evil nazi crap vile cunt methadone and will never ever take it again.But the grief and poisonous bile i've had to take off supposed mates..this women i used with has been slagging the shit out off me behind my back calling me judgemental just because i'm concerned about her as she is starting chemo for hep C.Just because i fooking may have said she should not be drinking strong lager as that is the last thing her liver needs..WELL FUCK HER TWO FACED BITCH.
I was finally diagnosed as being bi-polar which is no surprise as i am a manic bastard.SO WHAT!
Saying that I can feel yet another low ebb coming on and i act like a right reactive little shit.I'm fooking harmless even though i feel like whacking every scumbag that infests the stinking streets of Shepherds Bush, London.
I've been knocking out some really dark short stories based around things i've seen etc and even though its messing with my head i have to do it.The writing process is not easy yet i will soldier on.
Fucking technology.I'M crap at it..even trying to download some music makes me feel like a complete spaz..think i'll leave it for tonite.Maybe get my head down early and just hope i wake up in a better space..Think i will read Freakangels from the very begining when i wake up.
Take care everyone. Your all worth it...hopefully!
Sep 17th 2011
I'm at dayjob recovering from a hangover. may as well get to drinkin because some douche made a deal with the boss and wants to rent out this building so the ride's over and i'm gonna be out of a fucking job for a while. maybe i can finally focus on that bullshit art thing i like doing.
other than that i think they are shooting Batman 3 downtown today. really wish i could go spy on them and see that sexy new hovercraft.
also I think Grant Morrison is hanging out at a thing tonight. but i dunno what I'd fucking say to him. maybe "GD!" fuck that, i just wanna go back home and sleep moar because i think i drank and dicked around online until 4am last night and never noticed! anyway...
take care you sick fucks <3
Sep 17th 2011
Just found out that my ex, the only boy I've ever kissed and the only person to have told me they loved me and meant it other than family is now in a relationship with someone else. It might suck a little less if he hadn't broken up with me because "relationships weren't for him." I mean, I guess it was bound to happen, and I shouldn't be so bothered. Even if the whole reason he broke up with me was a lie, apparently. I'm not really a jealous person generally. But fuck.
Until a couple weeks ago, we were making a serious effort to stay friends. We haven't talked in a bit, but I figured it had more to do with busyness. Right now, I don't think I want to hear about or see him ever again in my life.
I'll probably change my mind, but still. Fuck.
Sep 17th 2011
@Fishelle - from the perspective of someone probably twice your age at this point - this is the first of several romantic frustrations you will have. When people are breaking up, if they are not assholes, they say the things they think they need to say in order to cause the least pain. But whenever someone says some version of "I'm not ready for a relationship", in my experience one can reliably append "...with you". Believe me, you do not want to try to prolong a relationship with a person, however otherwise cool, that just is not interested in having one with you.
The sooner you can just walk away from caring about that guy, the sooner you can make your way through the next few disappointments.
Eventually you'll be a person who knows herself, who meets a man who knows himself, and you'll both like each other enough to stick, and you'll both have been disappointed enough to know it's probably going to work this time, and it'll work.
Until then, the less you let your emotions linger over spilt boys the better.
Welcome to love!
Sep 18th 2011
I've been at college, living in residence, for about three weeks now. And while there's this little thing inside of me saying, "This isn't really surprising. You should have been expecting this," I really am rather surprised at how unbelievably stupid just about everyone here is. So far I have learned that using words like 'causality' or 'stigma' will get me chastised and any sort of joke or sarcastic comment will be taken at face value. And it's not like this is some shitty community college or something, either. Also, when did the concept of partying degrade to the point that it's just getting shit-faced while Party Rock Anthem is blasted from someone's speakers for all eternity? I think the music is the worst part. I'm pretty sure no one here would be able to define tempo. It's just 24/7 ear rape, as if Satan ascended from hell to give everyone here an iPod. The other day my floor had a toga party. It was the same as every other party, except some people were wearing togas. The more I hang around people, the more I feel like a crotchety old man. I'm sure a lot of what I'm saying here is obvious to most of you, but goddamn. I have never been confronted with so much live stupidity before. I wish I could hose this place in contraceptive.
Sep 18th 2011
@Fishelle: The "spilt boys" term that oddbill just used is actually pretty fantastic. If you imagine the guy as a fantastic, perfectly-mixed, ambrosial drink that you only got a sip of before some asshole knocked it off the table, then consider this - would you try to gather the drink up with paper towels, squeegee it into a new cup, pray you didn't get any dirt or broken glass in it, and try to drink it again? Would it taste as good, or would it be not only disappointing, but potentially harmful?
That's what trying to hold onto a relationship, or the emotions associated with one, is like. Trust me - just getting another drink, or just going teetotaler for a while, is a far better alternative, both for your happiness, your health, and your outlook on life. And, if you choose to believe me (and Bill, who has walked the world a while longer than either of us and is wise in many ways) on that, then believe me on this - with rare exceptions, your first love is almost always never as good as your second, or seventh, or seventeenth. It'll always mean something to you (and it should), but it's not the best you deserve, or the best you can have. I'm not going to give you this "plenty of fish in the sea" speech (as TEMPTING as your handle makes it :p) but I'll say this - the boy ain't the end. He ain't even, in my experience and observations, a decent beginning - more like a prologue, or a quick, sloppy training course.
Love sucks a LOT. I mean a LOT. It will make you question almost every aspect of your being, it will take you to places you really don't want to go, you will make mistakes a-plenty, and it will hurt you in the most sensitive, vulnerable places, many of which you didn't even know could be hurt, or that you had at all. And then, after a long time, it gets AWESOME. Then it will suck some more. And THEN, after a few cycles and after you've grown into a much more varied, wise, and powerful human being, it will (I think) level off, and it will be what everyone else keeps babbling on like idiots about. I haven't hit that point yet, but I see it too much to discount it as an impossibility. Love isn't easy or simple, until it suddenly is. That's what it seems like to me.
Sep 18th 2011
Grud on a greenie...just my shit yet again. I really wanted to fooking die last nite. I can't go back to using the shit as the shit don't work for me.All shit is is a great big steaming autobahn clusterfook of shit.
I have a fooking card to use the word fook because i'm from up north you southern ponce fooks.
This city of compressed shit and steel is ...fooked! Oh Mother London you damaged whore why did you let it happen?
@all.what the fook is love anyway? To me it's just a loose term to describe yet another human virus..I guess i'm just a wreck who never could be arsed to have a "proper relationship"..all I ever did was fook and move on to the next shallow idiot drunk bystander. As soon as a chick said "I love you!" all I could think about is the next one..
I reckon i'd make a great marriage guidance person thingy.
I don't want to die today.
Sep 18th 2011
I found out yesterday that my cat has terminal cancer. I was sad to hear the news but it hadn't really hit me yet, and today it all caught up to me. She's not suffering, so she's doing alright, which means she doesn't have to be put down, which I would have hated to do because the last thing I want is to have to take her life from her in an environment she's not comfortable in. I'm happy she gets to die peacefully at home. She's been really weak for the past few months (she only weighs like 8 pounds right now. Spends all her time indoors now, whereas she was outdoors constantly as a young cat), so it's not like a huge shock or anything, mostly I'm just sad that I'm not with her right now since she lives with my parents. I'm hoping I can get to go visit her sometime this week. I have no idea how much longer she has left, so I just want to make sure I get to see her a few more times since I haven't been home much at all the past year since last summer I was in Reno, then away for uni, and then instead of going back home after graduation I moved in with my boyfriend. Just don't want her to pass without having spent some more time with her, I'm kind of in that "time is of the essence" mode. Though really for all I know she'll be around another year, just don't wanna risk it.
Here we are when I was about 16
Sep 18th 2011
@oddbill and Alan Tyson
Thanks, guys. You're right, and I know it. It's just, well, you know how it is. I'll get over it. I think things just happened much more quickly than expected, but as I said, I'll get over it. Thanks for listening. This thread is the best.
I'm so sorry. I hope you get to see her a few times before she goes.
Sep 18th 2011
Ah screw it I need to say somewhere,
I have not posted in a rather long time, but need to get a practical issue off my chest somewhere it does not link to my professional life. I am nominally a self employed attorney right now ( really looking for a company to take me in, but it's a long haul) so dealing with my own insurance. Which thanks to a few conditions - chiefly major depression ( which is why I post this far away from professional eyes) and asthma - makes me uninsurable if not for state programs.
Who have been jacking me around for a month plus now.
And for the last week or two I have had abdominal pain, side pain, unfortunate intestinal stuff I won't detail, fatigue and other fun stuff which together paints a scary scary picture. Since I can't afford to be sick in absence on insurance going through I am waiting, feeling worse and getting more than a little worried. More so in 10 days I hit magic number 44 day break between my old insurance ending and the possible new one. For those in sane countries day 44 without insurance means anything you have got becomes a pre- existing condition for the first 6 months of new policy.
Anyway, hello to those who know who I am. I do not plan to make this a regular thing, just needed an obscure outlet to say that.
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