Whitechapel - OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-16T14:43:04-07:00

You know how this goes by now, right?

Open Mic is a tradition founded by Spacedaddy Warren. I'm experimenting with launching it on Fridays rather than Sundays, on the grounds that most of us have accumulated a working-week's-worth of toxicity and hatred, and the sooner we can trepan our collective psyches the better.

To paraphrase herr Ellis:

This is your judgement-free space to vent, get stuff out of your head and otherwise experience special Internet Catharsis. Screaming into a well, 21C-style.

Instructions: Tell us about your week. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-16T15:20:24-07:00

I just finished the first week at my dream job. I love it. It's everything I hoped it would be, and in someways more. It scares me. It inspires me. I hope I am good enough at this, and I hope I get to keep this job as long as possible.

Tomorrow... today is my birthday. I'm heading off to Helsinki to spend the day there with my dear friends. It's going to be fun, I think. After the summer I've had, fun is good.

I'm rooting for each and every one of you beautiful, crazy people. I hope life treats you guys well; it certainly should treat you better. It's a little thing, but I well and truly wish only the best for you and your loved ones.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-16T15:49:02-07:00

My only real complaints this week are about politics, but I suspect that everyone in the world has those.

In a couple of weeks I turn 50. I'd hoped to have gotten all of those hideous Turning 50 medical tests out of the way by now so the only thing I had to worry about on my birthday was the theoretical closer to the grave shit, but now I still have the hideous medical tests to worry about.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T00:03:11-07:00

It's possible I will have a sizeable art/creative studio space in a very cool former industrial location east of the LA river come Monday.

This could be a significant development.

I shall keep you informed as events develop.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T01:43:16-07:00

0.o looking forward to hearing more, @oddbill.
Happy birthday, @kahavi!! (and happy bday when it gets here, StefanJ) Aren't satisfying jobs awesome. *knocking on wood for ya*

Crazy week that started off with getting screwed before Traffic Court for some crap. if I had $500 sitting around doing nothing I could have fought the damn stop light-camera-issued ticket, but I don't. No idea what else to do I tried to hope for some mercy & plead guilty. Damn stupid, huh? Still have to pay the $500 - or $50 on Monday (if this works, might not) and sign up for community service. either way I still get a strike on my driver's license and you just know my car insurance is going to shoot up. The bitch of it all is that I know I made a safe damn stop. GAH.

Did what I could to shake it off, that was afternoon on Monday. That evening I had my first-ever Viewpoints and Suzuki class. A little hard to explain, they're theatrical styles that are first and foremost explored through the body, through moving in space and around an ensemble. Well, Suzuki is through the body and Viewpoints is through space and relationships to everything on stage, including everyone else. But, insisted the instructors, it's not a movement style. I think they just don't want us to think of these techniques as ways of moving, the way Alexander technique and other styles are. Alexander among others trains practitioners to move with efficiency and fluidity, but it doesn't really touch on acting. It frees up the body to be able to do more (and give a more theatrical quality to the movement), but you have to bring your own acting. So far Suzuki is so intense what i'm finding is that it's nothing short of an exercise that forces my mind to be in the same moment as my body. When I'm working at it I don't have any room in my mind for any other thoughts, the muscles in my legs are clamped in position, shaking furiously and hurting like hell and the nerves are just sparking, completely, utterly alive to the moment. Oh, and i'm sweating buckets. The pain from the sore muscles has finally come down to a manageable level, some three days after the last class.

Tuesday, again with the Suzuki and Viewpoints. They were harder and made more sense. But mostly harder. The muscles were furious with me for the Suzuki and I could barely move. The brain was sliding all over the place and could barely focus. When it came time for Viewpoints, it's salient focus being relating to the space and to my fellows on stage, I couldn't stop doubting myself and what was going on. And the funny thing about both Suzuki and Viewpoints is they immediately reveal any wandering thoughts. Ugh.

Monday night I went to my friend's house after class to find that the house would soon not be hers. Well, she had been talking about moving more and more, but a roommate got the drop on her and found his own place to move into. That would basically leave her alone with a crazy druggy roomie and (theoretically) another cool person who we never saw thanks to a blooming relationship. So Monday night the friend was up late with her housemates drafting a letter to their very scary landlady about their intent to end their residence. And I wanted to help...and I drive a truck...and normally I grumble about this kind of thing but... it looks like I'll be headed back this weekend to help my friend move. I owe her huge so I have to do it. And I brought it up. And I feel, by turns, smug and guilty that I'm helping her move. Other friends have asked and I've either grudgingly agreed or i've turned them down. I hate driving a truck. I hate it even more when other people tell me it must be convenient for moving. Yes, convenient for other people moving. Guh.

But I loved that haus, I loved the people who lived in it. They were such an awesome tribe and they let me in, let me crash whenever, became my friends. Man it sucks that the era is over. This summer it really crumbled to bits. }:< And I don't even have the cash for a goodbye wine on the porch and pack of smokes.

falling behind on Japanese and I'll have to miss the next class which is the only class left before a big test. Urk. Must carry on with Viewpoints/Suzuki. The training is courtesy SITI members who studied with the folks who directly developed the styles. It's a rare opportunity, the importance of which I cannot understate. More and more, if you're going to expressionistic theatre (which I love) you're going employ viewpoints. It's a cornerstone at my theatre, so if i really want to do right by my ensemble brethren, I have got to learn what it's about. Just sucks that I'm floundering at my other class.

the rest of the week has been about thinking and studying and begging my legs to hate me just a little bit less.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T06:46:18-07:00

It's the end of a quarter at the institution today, which means schedule-change time. I've been on a day shift for the past three quarters, that's nine months, and I've been waking up every day at 4:30am and I am not a morning person. So I got a new assignment, and it looks like I'll spend the next three months on the midnight shift: 11pm-7am. But I'm also scheduled on this thing called Sick & Annual, which means I cover other people's sick days and vacation days, which means an unpredictable schedule. My days off will change week by week, which means I can work anywhere from 5-10 days in a row with no days off, no overtime. Also they can change my schedule so that I work back to back shifts (16hrs in a day) without overtime, with little notice. I could also have to work one day, get eight hours off, and have to come right back. I'm already supposed to do that this coming Wednesday. That's why Sick & Annual is lovingly referred to as "Sick & Dick."

On the plus side, it pays more. Also, I normally won't have to get up so early anymore; though my sleep cycle will take some time to adjust. I may even end up with some weekends off every once in a while.

Thinking I'm taking my old lady to see The Debt this weekend. Dinner & a movie date. 'Cause she's all worried we won't see much of each other during my new schedule. It's nice to actually be missed sometimes.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T11:33:44-07:00

Fairly monstrous week. Biggest week of the year at work, annual conference and some big corporate changes which I'd been managing some parts of. A few things went pear-shaped due to people not having done things they'd told us they'd done, which resulted in me and a colleague working a 29 hour shift to try and sort things out before a couple of senior managers turned up to throw more bodies at it so we could finally go home... And the next two weeks won't be much better, was due to be on holiday from the end of this week but that isn't going to happen now. Am totally exhausted, just trying to get my breath back over the weekend before it all kicks off again Monday.

And at home it's been pretty fraught. My partner is still in bits over losing the baby, she has good days and bad days, but mostly bad days right now. She's made peace, just about , with her mother, but won't let her stay here (she's over here from spain right now but staying with friends, not us). She's ducked out of an event with my family tomorrow, which I'll be going to with the girls. I just want her to be happy again, but I know that's going to take a lot of time and patience. I've got to start looking after myself again, feel shabby and shambolic, like I've not been bothering at all.

Right now I'm in the shed, with beer, listening to the rain drumming on the roof. And listening to Tindersticks, which may or may not be a good move, as they tend to make me pretty emotional. It might be cathartic though.

@Oddbill - very cool, tell us more...

@everyone, peace and love to you all...

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T13:55:23-07:00

@Jon - guh, sounds like a rough week you've had there. Hunker down fella.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T13:58:51-07:00

@Jon

Yeah when i saw your google+ post about being up and working for like... forever, i was a bit concerned for a moment. But it's good to see that you're hanging in there. Remember.... Struggle is a privilege. I can sometimes only really feel alive when someone is metaphorically (or physically) punching me in the face.

I've also just now realised that last sentence probably won't help much. Fuck it. WE have alcohol and friendship!

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T14:16:25-07:00

It's been a very rough year.
I should warn you, this is sad/angry venting and more than just a weeks worth.

Quick summary: Dad was hit by a car in the last couple days of January.
He was in a 6 month coma and for a while it seemed like he might come out of it, maybe even recover... but unfortunately he didn't.
It was a long and drawn out nightmare.
When he passed, it was almost a relief. We miss him terribly.

Last month, just as it seemed like we were bouncing back
someone that I grew up with and considered a dear friend, committed suicide.
I took this news rather hard. This person meant a lot to me.

That's a little bit more than just the tip of the iceberg, but it's certainly the sharpest bit.
The rest is just, you know... shit icing on a 'fuck you' cake.

This week has been better.
Listening to REM daily helps me heal, helps me get through the darker times.
Recently I started writing my attempt at a Sci-fi novel again,
after the last attempt turned out to be a subconscious rehashing of Judge Dredd.
"Bah!"
I've stripped it of good ideas and now I'm using it's skeleton.
I'm excited once again about where it's going and I try put to down a couple hundred words whenever I can.
Stephie has been drawing a birthday gift for one of our friends and it's been coming along very nicely.
She is nearly finished with it.
We have big plans and many times we feel overwhelmed,
but in reality, it's nothing that we can't handle and we know it.
We just gotta pull our shit together and work our asses off for what we want.
'Laziness is to be treated like a cockroach, stomped when detected.'
The challenge makes us smile, to be honest. We are just rambunctious like that.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Tonight, we drink.
Cheers to you, the good people of Whitechapel!
Yar.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T14:19:26-07:00

Hello all.

I'm in a crap head space at the moment. This week has really been good/shite. Honest I don't know what the fook is going on..All this year all I seem to be doing is detoxing off fooking methadone and valium and crack and other shite that has been my life.

On the whole i'm doing really good..or so the few good people i've met at Narcotics Anonymous say. I'm off the evil nazi crap vile cunt methadone and will never ever take it again.But the grief and poisonous bile i've had to take off supposed mates..this women i used with has been slagging the shit out off me behind my back calling me judgemental just because i'm concerned about her as she is starting chemo for hep C.Just because i fooking may have said she should not be drinking strong lager as that is the last thing her liver needs..WELL FUCK HER TWO FACED BITCH.

I was finally diagnosed as being bi-polar which is no surprise as i am a manic bastard.SO WHAT!
Saying that I can feel yet another low ebb coming on and i act like a right reactive little shit.I'm fooking harmless even though i feel like whacking every scumbag that infests the stinking streets of Shepherds Bush, London.

I've been knocking out some really dark short stories based around things i've seen etc and even though its messing with my head i have to do it.The writing process is not easy yet i will soldier on.

Fucking technology.I'M crap at it..even trying to download some music makes me feel like a complete spaz..think i'll leave it for tonite.Maybe get my head down early and just hope i wake up in a better space..Think i will read Freakangels from the very begining when i wake up.

Take care everyone. Your all worth it...hopefully!

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T14:36:59-07:00

I'm at dayjob recovering from a hangover. may as well get to drinkin because some douche made a deal with the boss and wants to rent out this building so the ride's over and i'm gonna be out of a fucking job for a while. maybe i can finally focus on that bullshit art thing i like doing.
other than that i think they are shooting Batman 3 downtown today. really wish i could go spy on them and see that sexy new hovercraft.
also I think Grant Morrison is hanging out at a thing tonight. but i dunno what I'd fucking say to him. maybe "GD!" fuck that, i just wanna go back home and sleep moar because i think i drank and dicked around online until 4am last night and never noticed! anyway...
take care you sick fucks <3

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T23:26:24-07:00

Just found out that my ex, the only boy I've ever kissed and the only person to have told me they loved me and meant it other than family is now in a relationship with someone else. It might suck a little less if he hadn't broken up with me because "relationships weren't for him." I mean, I guess it was bound to happen, and I shouldn't be so bothered. Even if the whole reason he broke up with me was a lie, apparently. I'm not really a jealous person generally. But fuck.
Until a couple weeks ago, we were making a serious effort to stay friends. We haven't talked in a bit, but I figured it had more to do with busyness. Right now, I don't think I want to hear about or see him ever again in my life.
I'll probably change my mind, but still. Fuck.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-17T23:40:09-07:00

@Fishelle - from the perspective of someone probably twice your age at this point - this is the first of several romantic frustrations you will have. When people are breaking up, if they are not assholes, they say the things they think they need to say in order to cause the least pain. But whenever someone says some version of "I'm not ready for a relationship", in my experience one can reliably append "...with you". Believe me, you do not want to try to prolong a relationship with a person, however otherwise cool, that just is not interested in having one with you.

The sooner you can just walk away from caring about that guy, the sooner you can make your way through the next few disappointments.

Eventually you'll be a person who knows herself, who meets a man who knows himself, and you'll both like each other enough to stick, and you'll both have been disappointed enough to know it's probably going to work this time, and it'll work.

Until then, the less you let your emotions linger over spilt boys the better.

Welcome to love!

:/

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-18T13:12:01-07:00

I've been at college, living in residence, for about three weeks now. And while there's this little thing inside of me saying, "This isn't really surprising. You should have been expecting this," I really am rather surprised at how unbelievably stupid just about everyone here is. So far I have learned that using words like 'causality' or 'stigma' will get me chastised and any sort of joke or sarcastic comment will be taken at face value. And it's not like this is some shitty community college or something, either. Also, when did the concept of partying degrade to the point that it's just getting shit-faced while Party Rock Anthem is blasted from someone's speakers for all eternity? I think the music is the worst part. I'm pretty sure no one here would be able to define tempo. It's just 24/7 ear rape, as if Satan ascended from hell to give everyone here an iPod. The other day my floor had a toga party. It was the same as every other party, except some people were wearing togas. The more I hang around people, the more I feel like a crotchety old man. I'm sure a lot of what I'm saying here is obvious to most of you, but goddamn. I have never been confronted with so much live stupidity before. I wish I could hose this place in contraceptive.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-18T13:13:54-07:00

@Fishelle: The "spilt boys" term that oddbill just used is actually pretty fantastic. If you imagine the guy as a fantastic, perfectly-mixed, ambrosial drink that you only got a sip of before some asshole knocked it off the table, then consider this - would you try to gather the drink up with paper towels, squeegee it into a new cup, pray you didn't get any dirt or broken glass in it, and try to drink it again? Would it taste as good, or would it be not only disappointing, but potentially harmful?

That's what trying to hold onto a relationship, or the emotions associated with one, is like. Trust me - just getting another drink, or just going teetotaler for a while, is a far better alternative, both for your happiness, your health, and your outlook on life. And, if you choose to believe me (and Bill, who has walked the world a while longer than either of us and is wise in many ways) on that, then believe me on this - with rare exceptions, your first love is almost always never as good as your second, or seventh, or seventeenth. It'll always mean something to you (and it should), but it's not the best you deserve, or the best you can have. I'm not going to give you this "plenty of fish in the sea" speech (as TEMPTING as your handle makes it :p) but I'll say this - the boy ain't the end. He ain't even, in my experience and observations, a decent beginning - more like a prologue, or a quick, sloppy training course.

Love sucks a LOT. I mean a LOT. It will make you question almost every aspect of your being, it will take you to places you really don't want to go, you will make mistakes a-plenty, and it will hurt you in the most sensitive, vulnerable places, many of which you didn't even know could be hurt, or that you had at all. And then, after a long time, it gets AWESOME. Then it will suck some more. And THEN, after a few cycles and after you've grown into a much more varied, wise, and powerful human being, it will (I think) level off, and it will be what everyone else keeps babbling on like idiots about. I haven't hit that point yet, but I see it too much to discount it as an impossibility. Love isn't easy or simple, until it suddenly is. That's what it seems like to me.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-18T13:49:26-07:00

Grud on a greenie...just my shit yet again. I really wanted to fooking die last nite. I can't go back to using the shit as the shit don't work for me.All shit is is a great big steaming autobahn clusterfook of shit.

I have a fooking card to use the word fook because i'm from up north you southern ponce fooks.

This city of compressed shit and steel is ...fooked! Oh Mother London you damaged whore why did you let it happen?

@all.what the fook is love anyway? To me it's just a loose term to describe yet another human virus..I guess i'm just a wreck who never could be arsed to have a "proper relationship"..all I ever did was fook and move on to the next shallow idiot drunk bystander. As soon as a chick said "I love you!" all I could think about is the next one..

I reckon i'd make a great marriage guidance person thingy.

I don't want to die today.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-18T14:12:09-07:00

I found out yesterday that my cat has terminal cancer. I was sad to hear the news but it hadn't really hit me yet, and today it all caught up to me. She's not suffering, so she's doing alright, which means she doesn't have to be put down, which I would have hated to do because the last thing I want is to have to take her life from her in an environment she's not comfortable in. I'm happy she gets to die peacefully at home. She's been really weak for the past few months (she only weighs like 8 pounds right now. Spends all her time indoors now, whereas she was outdoors constantly as a young cat), so it's not like a huge shock or anything, mostly I'm just sad that I'm not with her right now since she lives with my parents. I'm hoping I can get to go visit her sometime this week. I have no idea how much longer she has left, so I just want to make sure I get to see her a few more times since I haven't been home much at all the past year since last summer I was in Reno, then away for uni, and then instead of going back home after graduation I moved in with my boyfriend. Just don't want her to pass without having spent some more time with her, I'm kind of in that "time is of the essence" mode. Though really for all I know she'll be around another year, just don't wanna risk it.

Here we are when I was about 16

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-18T14:33:23-07:00

@oddbill and Alan Tyson
Thanks, guys. You're right, and I know it. It's just, well, you know how it is. I'll get over it. I think things just happened much more quickly than expected, but as I said, I'll get over it. Thanks for listening. This thread is the best.

@Argos
I'm so sorry. I hope you get to see her a few times before she goes.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-18T18:51:15-07:00

Ah screw it I need to say somewhere,

I have not posted in a rather long time, but need to get a practical issue off my chest somewhere it does not link to my professional life. I am nominally a self employed attorney right now ( really looking for a company to take me in, but it's a long haul) so dealing with my own insurance. Which thanks to a few conditions - chiefly major depression ( which is why I post this far away from professional eyes) and asthma - makes me uninsurable if not for state programs.

Who have been jacking me around for a month plus now.

And for the last week or two I have had abdominal pain, side pain, unfortunate intestinal stuff I won't detail, fatigue and other fun stuff which together paints a scary scary picture. Since I can't afford to be sick in absence on insurance going through I am waiting, feeling worse and getting more than a little worried. More so in 10 days I hit magic number 44 day break between my old insurance ending and the possible new one. For those in sane countries day 44 without insurance means anything you have got becomes a pre- existing condition for the first 6 months of new policy.

Anyway, hello to those who know who I am. I do not plan to make this a regular thing, just needed an obscure outlet to say that.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-18T20:19:43-07:00

Wow. A lot of bad shit lately. Hugs and comfort to razrangel, Jon Carpenter, Dovryn, flecky, chris g, Fishelle, DJ Stawes, and Argos. Shit, that's a lot of you.

And a happy dance for oddbill.

And now a copy/paste from last night:

Week: I'm typing this in a word document to paste later because I'm sitting on a couch in the room my dad grew up in, in the farm house my paternal grandmother was born in, which is actually only a couple hours away from the Twin Cities. And it is a near small town that tourists only drive through, so there isn't wifi or internet anywhere except at the library. And I didn't manage to leave the house one bit today anyway. At least I don't actually live here for fucks sake. I'm here to help my dad and uncle do some painting to get the house to a rent-worthy state. I actually felt more like cleaning because of the endless dust, cobwebs and just overall messy ickiness of the place. And take photos of old farm buildings built by a bunch of Swedes. Well, really boring Swedes who were a part of the Free Church. Wooo history! At the last minute of packing I thought taking glam self portraits in an old farm house would be fabulous, so I might do that too. I should take some tonight but I'm too tired. And you really don't need to see my hair.

But that is actually really boring stuff. Why am I boring you people with this nonsense? So... the other thing that went on this week, is that nothing really happened with the boss' son, except a “pep-talk” towards the end in which he talked about work stuff and stammered a crapton. Then mentioned something about hanging around or something? Very awkward. Whatevs. Guys, seriously, you are confusing sometimes. Earlier in the week I set up an OkCupid account because Seantaclaus was mentioning it on twitter and was saying it was fairly cool and I figured, fuck it, it's gotta be better than what I'm doing now. Still have no clue what I'm doing with that, but what the hell, flirting and friendliness and shit. Well, my inner depressive is still being shouty about how I'm doing it all wrong but hopefully I'll get better at turning that down. Unsurprisingly, most of the interesting guys are in the Twin Ports (Duluth/Superior) or the Twin Cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul). The local guys are either into outdoors stuff all! The! Time! Or they're … just no.

Hate: nothing at the moment, I think. I know... that my dad and uncle think a dusty table or dusty piece of paper on a dusty table is a good replacement for a cutting board. So gross. And sad. More annoying than hate, but there you go.

Love: At least I got to listen to music while painting, and since I'm into electro-pop at the moment, lots of goofy dancing around when a song was particularly good.

Pissing me off: It would be nice to have boundless energy. Don't think that'll happen anytime soon. Exhaustion has been hitting fairly hard. Never managed to take any photos, as I ended up sleeping until it was time to pack and leave.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-19T00:47:32-07:00

@ trini- Ta for tapping my name into your post. I need support from any genuine person at the moment.Glad your enjoying your electro at the moment. I've always loved that sound.It makes me feel like i'm listening to some amazing soundtrack from some hardcore uncut sci-fi metal monster..me not talking about ewoks or shit.e.g When Uncle Warren kicked the shit out of god via The Authority.I love the word shit!

@ argos- love the pic of you and the cat.Sometimes the unspoken empathy from a cat,dog,rat etc can far outway the verbal attempts us homo sapiens attempt.

It's 8.15 in the Bush, west London. Bit of sun in the sky..which is ok but because I'm proud to say i'm a Northlander berserker i love it when the rain hits the city and all the suits run for cover and all their poxy IPhone 999z get all wet and...hate the fuckers! They whinge when it's to hot and they moan when it's cold. They will be useless to us when the apocalypse comes.They will be breakfast when the dead walk the earth.I hope i will still be inside my carcass when the shit hits the fan.

I've had a bit of kip.It's been a few weeks since i knocked the evil Nazi methadone shit on the head.I just sent a lazy(E)mail to my old man who resides in Oz telling him to not believe the hype.That state sponsored garbage is worse to withdraw from than the heroin.I don't know if it's appropriate for me to go on about my drug problems yet feel it is as i'm not trying to make it all shiny and cool and let's fuck baby. The needle has fucked my legs which is a bitch as I love running,dancing,acting out etc. Still..sigh...i've had my time in the sun and at the moment i'm really grateful that i've got me eyes,ears,mouth and dick.

Take care kids.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-19T03:31:54-07:00

Hang in there flecky. In a strange way, I actually enjoy your musings about the underside of London.

Not much to report from me. I actually like going to the Senator's office, better than my actual job. To the point I should get ready now and I'm not.

till asking the question of where are all the desirable females. It'd be much easier to buy and sell through ebay, like they were commodity, but alas. I'm over the point of loneliness, I've found myself much better at entertainment, than another human being.

Right now I'm fighting with my new computer to actually connect and download from steam, which seems to need the touch of a internet Jesus.

Keep safe all.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-19T09:33:58-07:00

I had a really cool idea for The Red Bee and no time to get near it.

Still, that's born of this freelance writing/design thing actually taking off for me, so: shrug.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-20T03:44:48-07:00

Morning all. I'm glad to hear you're hanging in there, even if just. To join in on the love life angst theme, I, in a fit of loneliness, last night reached out to my ex. Not the wife, but the woman I dated after the divorce. I'd just come out of a ten year long mind-fuck of a relationship and totally freaked out when I realized that the chill, no-need-for-definitions relationship I was in was turning into something serious (after about 10 months). When I tried to talk to her about how she felt, she told me what she thought I wanted to hear and I ended it. That was about a year ago. While I've dated several people since then, none for more than three dates. @trini - For what it's worth, I'm also rockin' the okCupid, with meh results.

I feel geographically isolated and drive an hour and a half to hang out by myself in a bar with people in it. On the up side, I get a lot of writing done. The down side... the long drive home means I don't actually drink that much and that I have time for morose thoughts. My cat hasn't come home in about a week, so we're facing the fact that she was probably eaten by something. I'm going to have to try and explain where Mia is to my daughter. She's three and I don't think she'll get it. Things are still a mess with the ex-wife and with the custody situation up in the air I'm not going to be leaving my mom's any time soon. I really don't want to go back to court and have a nasty custody battle, but the kid is going to need to live somewhere full time when she starts school.

Thanks for listening.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-20T09:37:40-07:00

@trini best of luck. I've never really had much luck with OkCupid. With the combination of being unable to define myself in a few paragraphs and only seeming to attract students who are only interested in an open relationship, I decided to give it a miss and meet people the old fashioned way (which is funny since I'm an introvert).

So near the middle of the week and not much is happening. My coworker is on vacation so I'm doing stuff that I don't normally do and am kind of worried that I'm doing it wrong. That combined with a lack of proper sleep has given me the wonderful lip rash, a bright red (and I must stress NOT CONTRACTIBLE) pencil moustache triggered by anxiety that burns like hell for 1-2 weeks.

I spent most of my night yesterday at City Hall watching the Executive Committee meeting in action. While it was refreshing to see such civil spirit among the 365 speakers, it was discouraging that their concerns and love for this city are being ignored by a Mayor who clearly does not give a shit and has made it clear that the people going to this meeting are "not the right kind of Torontonian" (ie someone who is against libraries closing, 2000 childcare jobs being cut, services that take care of disabled and elderly folks cut and many MANY more). So, I honestly don't think it will do much good. The last meeting didn't do much good. Bah.

And on top of that it is currently Toronto Beer Week with some really awesome events going on...that I can't go to. Because of money. A lot of the interesting stuff costs $35+ to get in and still charge for the beers, which is understandable, but considering I make $50 a week and most of that goes to bills, it is far out of my price range. Ah well.

But on the plus side of things I have tea and will be visiting a friend in Cambridge, ON this weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-20T12:10:26-07:00

*blinks* Shit, y'all, hang in there-- Not sayin' shit's going to get better, because I don't know y'all, but I can say that at least you'll get used to how shitty shit is now, if nothin' else.

Heh. Now I feel kind of guilty that my biggest worry this past week was gettin' drunk enough to black out and wake up wearing pants I didn't know I owned. Also, if you have had to deal with a drunk and obnoxious individual recently, allow me to apologize for them, as I channeled that archetype pretty stronglike.

To all you lonely sons and daughters of bitches out there: Hey, hold heart, I recently entered into a relationship with a girl who I've been dancing around (and who has been doing the same to me) for years now. I'm an ugly, dirtynasty asshole-- There's good odds on y'all being far more eligible than me, so don't get all pissy and depressed. If anything, that's probably your main obstacle to not bein' alone anymore, honestly. People don't like sad people, to be quite blunt.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-20T22:43:59-07:00

Alright Chaplains; here's the art space:

This is it. Our section is the second square of light from the left. We have that, and a semi trailer (like the one you see on the far right) which will be parked in front of our square.

With this, we shall conquer worlds.

This is the interior of the space. In addition to this, we'll also be working in a large semi trailer that will be parked permanently up at the dock.

The loading dock.

The loading dock door rope.

Me & the art partner inaugurating the space.

I cannot express how excited I am about the prospects having this space to figure things out in.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-20T23:51:42-07:00

@oddbill: Yaaay! *throws confetti, does a happy dance, gets some balloons going* That's made of win, best of luck.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-22T02:32:26-07:00

Fook..laptop acting like a pregnant slug. I reckon even this crap will crash.I tapped in a load of mind bile hours ago and yet once again i had accidently activated Skynet. Got stupid little robot things flying round my quaint english council flat. Shepherds Bush is full of T10000 models killing all the white trash inbred swine that reside in the notorious White City. Drug runners are writhing in pain as they flare up. Gypsy mongoloids are trying to put their curse on metal yet are to stupid to realise that aint the way shit goes down. Early morning drunks clutch at their cans of Tenants ultra strong puke giving it "You fackin' cant..i'll get my uncle on ter yer you robot shit!". They all die..

@oddbill: You cool git! If i had a artspace like yours I would be in heaven..or hell!i quiver to think of the demented stuff i could get up to.

My detox is going ever so nicely.The pervert in me seems to enjoy the pain. Me and Desolation Jones have loads in common.I feel like i've had about 3 hrs kip since march..reckon by end of november i will be a model citizen and finally get a wife,kids,a big posh car,a job in the city and be able to parade around Notting Hill all super positive dressed in the shite fashion i see a load of the kids wear. Fooking posers..wearing Vans on their feet and they can't even skate and those stupid brown drainpipe trousers with all that excess space at the crotch that makes them look like they've shit themselves and their wank hair cuts.I love taking the piss out off them as i cripple the street. I hobble up to them on me crutch and say "Mate,do you speak english? yes? Nothing personal..I'm a tramp..yet that is a naff look you got going!". It's fooking great as they go all red faced and say it's not.I just stumble away laughing me heed off in full on Joker mode.Probably going to get punched in the face sometime yet that would make it even better.

Fooking Narcotics Anonymous..not met one bastard who reads comics proper. Out of 70 or so people 2 spoilt posh Chelsea addicts have said "O yes..I am aware of the works of Frank Miller"and thats only because they saw Sin City.Don't even get me started on The Spirit. I love the Miller but c'mon..

Time for yet another coffee and a fag.

Stay frosty marines..

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-22T15:53:15-07:00

I am extremely irritable today. That is all.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-23T10:56:35-07:00

Today was supposed to be get-out-and-buy-a-new-phone day, but the rain has made it a stay-in-and-update-tumblr day. Maybe sweep-the-floors day.

I just signed on to work during the Ontario election next month. I'll miss a copyediting class, which is too bad, but... actually I'm not sure why I got the notion to do this. There's a laissez-faire-ness about chronic unemployment, isn't there?

Sweet art-pad, Bill.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-23T12:14:11-07:00

Okay, so. Since I'll be off out of town for the weekend, I may as well write my week here.

BEER: Hammered out what will probably be my recipe for my Pumpkin Coffee Ale (starting name "Percolatin' Pumpkin Ale). Due to budget constrictions and wanting to NOT have a panic attack concerning myself with grains and guessing how much .25oz of hops is without having a scale, I'll be using a malt extract kit and adding on to it. In this case allspice, nutmeg, cinnamon sticks, ginger, a clove or two, some fresh vanilla beans and maybe even some pumpkin (still on the fence, as many brewers I've talked to say that there is no difference in taste if pumpkin is there or not). The measurements and timing for the addition of those ingredients was the result of spending a few hours at the library with nearly ten books with recipes. I'm hoping this one turns out.

PHOTOGRAPHY: Due to a middle of the night, half-asleep hallucination (which some might call a "vision", I got inspired to start a project devoted to photos taken during my most favorite of seasons, Autumn. It kicked off yesterday with this photo and by the end I'm hoping to put it all in a MagCloud magazine and have it for sale. We'll see how that goes!

I've also been discovering some of the lesser known works of Robert Mapplethorpe. After reading about him in Patti Smith's book Just Kids, I felt that I really had to check his work out and...wow. I think I may have flipped through his book Polaroids three times in the past two days. Definitely feeling inspired by his work.

Finally got my copies of the Weaponizer magazine with my photo on the cover, which was a thrill to finally see. Also a book on Ian & Sylvia Tyson was released this week with one of my photos inside which was also a huge thrill, as that will be put out internationally. I have to say, when I see my photos in mediums like that, it makes me feel that what I'm doing isn't a complete waste, which is helpful during my "why bother?" stagnation periods.

And on that note, I've been considering approaching book publishers to put my name on the list of photographers who are willing to do book covers. This one, for instance, I think would make a great cover for a mystery novel.

PERSONAL: With the boosts brought on by the above, it's been real hard to be depressed. So...things have been very good! Money isn't great, but it's trickling. I haven't had a "argh, single" attack in a while and I've been feeling the desire to explore the world around me, which always leads to exciting adventures.

Yep. Stuff is definitely going well here.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-23T14:25:45-07:00

Seems like all is continuitous in Whitechapel this month. I hope you're all doing well.

White whine is about to happen, but I don't care. I'm complaining about someone using their whiteness for incredible vapidness.

This is a Native American Literature class. Sure, that's fine. Hey, I'll even give you the "Oral Literature" argument unopposed. Can't get very far without it and I want to learn. The instructor is not that smart. Fine, that's fine, just read the material with your head down. Learn on your own, don't trust anything she says.

Then come in the broad generalizations. Then come in the complete lack of conclusive argument. Then comes the redefinition of the Truth to whatever we want it to be.

I can't fucking stand it. We're so lucky to live in a place that has education, and then the standards are so low that this woman can bullshit about how Native American myths are a "KIND OF" truth that we, as westerners, completely dismiss. YOU ARE A WHITE LADY IN AN AMERICAN UNIVERSITY BEING PAID TO TEACH THE SUBJECT YOU ARE SAYING WE DISMISS. The astonishing self-centered-ness it takes to complain about this frustrates me to such an incredible degree I can barely contain myself. I am at a point where want to challenge everything she says for the simple fact that I know she would be unable to answer my questions. And I am a person that tries very hard to be a respectful student. Yet here I am posting on Whitechapel in class about how awful it is to be subjected to this waste of university resources.

She has never had a cohesive lecture, and she has never been able to draw a linear thesis across any set of information, even when she is using examples directly out of the book. And on top of everything, she keeps using the word "Philosophy" to mean whatever she wants it to. Including, (verbatim quote),"Quantum Physics Philosophy." THAT'S SCIENCE NOT PHILOSOPHY. HOW DO YOU HAVE A DEGREE IN ANYTHING WITHOUT KNOWING THAT?

Rage. Rage. Rage.

(Edit: Grammar)

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-23T15:21:38-07:00

"Quantum Physics Philosophy."

Ah, that'd be your 'Natural Philosophy' then? So science = philosophy = religion and if we pray hard enough or sacrifice enough chickens or small children that cancer will just go away, and you're only disabled because it's a punishment for what you did in your last incarnation? By crikey, that makes it all so much clearer! (In case you were wondering, i speak hypothetically, neither of those ailments relate to me.)

Whitechapel i am bored! I sit here unmotivated and mopeing. This is not good! Do me a favour and give me a number between 0 and 24 and another one between 1 and 100 and i'll see what i can do with them. I an neither interesting, artistic nor particularly original, so don't expect too much. You have until about 05.00 BST tomorrow, assuming work doesn't get in the way, if it does, there's always Sunday!

Best wishes and sympathy to everyone who needs it and a very goodnight to you all.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-23T15:25:02-07:00

@roadscum 14 and 42.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-23T15:49:33-07:00

@roadscum: Your first number is pi. Your second number is Love.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-23T16:24:45-07:00

@ Fishelle: Ta, plans have been made and plots plotted. Results should be up in 24 hours or so, work permitting.

@ Alan Tyson: Excellent! That's lunch sorted then, i love a good pie!

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-23T17:48:24-07:00

@roadscum: My work here is done, then. Carry on, citizen!

THE BAD

Still jobless. I've got an extremely understanding landlady, one of my best friends' mom, who's letting me slide a LOT more than she probably should, but it's still very disheartening to watch my supply of funds evaporate, knowing it could be a month or longer before I have another source of income. I've got close to a dozen tech writer and copy editor applications out there, and in the D.C. area there are plenty of cushy, supposedly well-paying government contractors who could hire me, but no dice yet. I've got a few other, minimum-wage jobs options open, too, but... I'm 23. I want to be getting into something that I can use to start saving up for a better life in a decade or so.

A roomie (and the aforementioned best friend) is up in New Jersey with a mutual friend, visiting a group of our other friends. I wasn't able to go because of money, and while I'm not exactly someone who needs to party party hearty every weekend, I am left in a town where I know next to no-one, and most of the friends I made from my last job are either at working new jobs or are in the same situation as I am - many of them worse, because their jobs were supporting a family. It's a little sad knowing that that I have no one in my phone that I can call up and say "hey, wanna come over for a beer and a movie?" I'm glad I left Iowa, immensely so, but the one thing that place had going for it was that I knew plenty of folks I could go out and have a bit of mindless fun with.

Got a call from my parents not quite an hour ago, telling me that my dad's mom, my last living grandparent, is in the hospital, probably for good. It's not exactly unexpected news, but it's not much welcome, either. No telling if I'll be able to make it out to Colorado to see her before the end. We don't really see eye to eye on a lot of things, mostly politics, but she's a good woman, and I wish I'd gotten to know her better.

THE GOOD

I put the finishing touches on the longest piece of writing I've ever completed, and much to my surprise, it only needed a few quick, dumb fixes. I'm waiting to get feedback from a few of my first readers, but as it stands, I'm pretty happy with how it came out, and how fast - almost sixty pages in three days. Been riding that wave pretty high, lately.

I just stood up, and realized the jeans I'm wearing just about fell off my ass. This is a good thing - I've been wearing these jeans since probably sophomore year of high school, and they've always fit, if sometimes they were a little tight. Now, they're actually loose. This fact, combined with my first real good haircut in a while and finally figuring out which clothes look good on me, I'm, for the first time since I really became AWARE of my appearance, starting to think I might not look too terrible.

THE STRANGE

I song came out of nowhere the other day, and flattened me to the ground. You all know what I'm talking about, what that feels like. It was a very good feeling.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-24T05:55:27-07:00

I finally finally FINALLY finished that writing project this past week. Now me and my writing partner just need to edit, get some beta readers to put eyes-on, format it, then send it up to Amazon for transmission to folks' Kindles.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-24T16:59:44-07:00

In a little more than a week, I'm going to leave my home from the past 5 years for a completely new neighborhood in NYC.

I've been walking around my neighborhood whenever I can. Taking in all the sights and sounds and people who I won't really get to see again. I'll come back to visit my friends in the area, but it won't be the same. It soon won't even feel like my home and eventually, it'll change enough for me to not recognize it in quite the same way. My heart aches for having to leave, but it hasn't broken yet. Despite everything I've been going through, my heart still doesn't feel broken.

I'm tidying up my life, trying to sort out what can come with me & what will not. The last point of contention is our pet lizard. My ex is sad that I'll be taking Harvey with me. He pleaded with me to take the lizard last, so he can have someone to talk to for as long as possible. Part of me hurts for him and wants to leave Harvey behind. Part of me loves my little lizard and I will miss him terribly. And another part of me is upset that he's guilt tripping me about this issue like that. It's just an enraging reminder of how I always have to give up what I want for someone else, like I've done for the past too many years. Because I value other peoples' emotions and hurt over my own.

Nothing has been easy for the past month of my life. It's just been endlessly charging forth and hoping I'm still in one piece when I get to the other side of October. I would love to feel the same daily contentment I once held. Sometime soon.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-24T19:42:06-07:00

I've got lots and lots of homework due next week. On tuesday, we're having critiques for an intaglio photopolymer plate project. This is the biggest worry, partially because it's due first, partially because of the process, and partially because I bit off more than I maybe should have with a project that I only had a little over a week to do. We were asked to do something with varied tones of grey, so I drew 9 pictures and want them to be in a grid, half the size I drew them all together. It's basically a piece about how I'm frustrated that I can't expect anything from anywhere or anyone, but that others (my parents mostly) have such specific expectations for me. And that I can't even get help when I need it to do the things that are expected of me. I feel like right now in it's drawing form it's working pretty well. It's nice doing art I actually care about, after such a stretch of art block.

The problem is that I have to make a photocopy of the thing onto a transparency, do a test plate to find my exposure, expose and develop the actual plate, let said plate dry for at least 2 hours, (would've been best overnight, but it's too late for that now), and print an edition of 5 before my first class on tuesday. Along with all my other homework.

Also, my sister, seeing me doing the drawing of my mom saying "You just can't expect me to help you right now," told me that it was a selfish and sad piece to make, and she wished I was doing something else. My sister understands my art generally better than most of my family, and usually her comments are fairly apt. So now I'm questioning if it even is any good, or if I should just start over. But I don't have time or an idea to start over with.

I also need to do a linocut, a relief based photopolymer, a colograph, and a pressure print for my Letterpress class on wednesday. I have my colograph matrix done and my negative for the photopolymer, but the plate isn't ready for it. None of the printing has been done for any of this, and I don't even have any idea what to do for the pressure print or linoleum. And I also have to have a mock-up ready for a broadside that we have to do for the next project, but to do that I need to find time to go look at some books and come up with an idea for it, too.

The stress of all this work would be fine if it weren't for the fact that I've hit a point where, because of library/studio access, I can't do anything until monday. The studio that's open to me 24/7 will be useless until I can get to the library to make a photocopy. I just don't know how I'm going to manage it. I'm sure I will, I always do, but I still don't know how.

To top it off, today my ex decided to chat with me about his new girlfriend. It wasn't a bad discussion really, and it was one that needed to be had if we plan on staying friends of any sort. But man. That didn't leave me with happy thoughts.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-24T21:09:09-07:00

fucking hell Whitechapel why does my stupid laptop keep destroying my aching skull and keep crashing.Please bear with the poor flecky as he tries in vain to make a connection with you groovy fuckers. Tis 5 a.m in Shepherds Bush and i am surrendering to the dark side..not the poxy force but something of a more hideous nature..a snarling 8 legged beast of resentment manifested in the form of my stinky little life.Gonna post this test before HAL takes control of my shite hardware..what a total cunt it is..

Things were not this complex when the internet was on good old paper. Bastard technology!! I fooking hate it from the depths of me balls.

Grrrh..

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-24T21:26:52-07:00

@Fishelle the best thing about art is using it as an outlet for all your emotions. Don't ever let someone dissuade you from doing a piece because it's 'too sad'.
Good luck with your printing.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-24T22:17:04-07:00

He He.. a modicum of success..i feel a relief from this constant migraine i am victim to due to my detox.Or maybe it's not the detox..maybe a cluster of insects now reside in my ultra damaged skull..if i scratch my greasy forehead will i open it up and shall they all come falling out consuming my feeble body..if i had a camera i would film it so you could all share in the shit of my life..it could be shown on the cinema in crappy 3D. I despise what the big screen is..imagine if they did 3D versions of Ingmar Bergman(did i spell that right?) films? Shit..i reckon if they do another Alien vs Predator movie they will have the chest bursters popping at you so all the tossers in the cinema can go "Oo..that was good!" .Being a old miserable git i've not been to see a 3D movie since the eighties..Jaws 3D and other garbage..it fooked with me then so i dare say it will just cause me to scream out with hate if i was to be weak and succumb to the novelty now.

I swear to you Whitehouse i'm going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in Earls Court in a few hours and when i share my shite with all the posh gits I am going to ask them if anyone has read anything by our dear uncle Warren Ellis..and if not one of them goes "Me! Me! I fucking love Planetary,Freakangels,Dr.Sleepless etc" i will look them all in the eye and snarl at them and proclaim "Wankers"

Some bloke the other day at a meeting in Ladbroke Grove said "When i use i'm like superman changing into his outfit in a phonebox!"...his dead body is now ripe as a rotten cabbage in my bath.The bitch had it coming..he was a sad retarded fucktard anyway.

I really love this site. It's one of the key factors in my recovery from taking drugs for most of my life. I do feel for you lot when i read your posts of dealing with the bullshit that life throws at us..i better be careful and not get all weepy..or else a eel may slither into my knickers..and I wouldn't want that..or would I?

Take care all.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-24T22:39:55-07:00

@glukkake: Part of me wants to say that you should just take the lizard, but since it was a shared pet, I don't know. But whatever you do, I hope it works for the best and you don't regret it. *hugs*

@Fishelle: Don't feel guilty. Seriously. Your sister might be understanding and etc of your art, but this is a piece that she probably won't get, and that's fine. Maybe she'll get it later, but right now, she doesn't. It's not selfish to do art about things that are negatively affecting you, even if those things include family. You're processing your frustrations through art, and that's fine. *hugs* You'll get through it.

Well, the OkCupid thing seems to be working out ok so far. Work is... work. Not getting enough hours currently. Things aren't quite right. I should probably look for another part time job just in case. Bleh. I'd really rather not. I'm currently drooling over the work of Roberto Ferri, and Italian artist I discovered as a result of looking at Shoomlah's tumblr. I totally want a couple of her Disney Princess prints (Ariel and Jasmine for sure). Ummmm. I think that's it for now? Sure, I'm tired enough that my brain is a touch zombified.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-24T22:43:03-07:00

I dunno. I was just sorta here. And there. And not paying attention. Darn it. Tried to help my friend but that didn't quite work. Later in the week she helped me out. Can't swear she was happy to do it, she's the sort that won't say no unless it's impossible. I hate to think I was taking advantage... argh. I wish I could help people around me as much as they help me - if not more.

Finances are worse than I thought they were, and I thought they were pretty awful. Couldn't pull off getting ice cream for my niece for her birthday, mom had to cover that, like everything else. Driving the kid around I was thinking I just want to make enough money to put gas in the truck and keep rolling. But that's childish, no? The truck is only barely running, the front tire alignment is off, breaks squeal and every now and then there's this smell... To say nothing of needing to eat better, see a dentist...ugh. And I want enough slack in my cash reserves to help friends with their emergencies? Oy.

But it's my discipline and I can't buy that. I've been avoiding it. Procrastinating, finding stupid distractions, giving myself reasons to avoid doing what I have to. I'm too eager to wait for the perfect moment, hanging back on my heels and passing on decent opportunities. ARgh. Like Casey at bat over here. and I can't take myself seriously when I give myself frowney faces. *sigh* shit hasn't changed in years.

Art aplenty around, thank goodness. Suzuki and Viewpoints training and I never want to leave the theatre. I want to build titanic statements about crisis and desire, fear of mortality and the bone chilling, choking frustration of not being able to say exactly what I mean.

Maybe because other people were talking about, maybe because some of entertaining distractions have covered the subject I've been feeling my singleness. Trying not to think about it, there isn't much point since I'm not going to try to do anything about it. just frustrating...lonely. But not really. Realistically it would be complex to try to date right now. All told, though, this has the capacity to turn me into one of those middle aged ladies with too many cats and whose primary methods of relaxation is reading a Harlequin novel with a stack of bonbons in reach. The sort of lady who gets cranky at watching other couples having fun... Blah.

Home is a mess. but that's the people I live with. I'm trying to keep my head down but I'm getting tired of people tearing each other down. Reason #108762 I need to get my butt in gear toward an healthy income. Let's see if that ever actually happens.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-24T23:55:45-07:00

@ razrangel: you hit a nerve with me. I feel desperately lonely at the moment and even if it was on the cards now would be the worst time for me to have a relationship. It stinks though and it's really hard work for me to watch young couples in the street etc..i have to really keep my resentment in check if they are making out.My intitial reaction is to sneer in contempt yet realise that was probably me when i was younger..so..
It's no easy being a 13yr old in a 47 yr old blokes body..the main thing keeping me going is writing and starting to draw again.

Sometimes keeping your head down is the best we can do..if i get in the middle of people destroying one another i always end up getting hurt myself..just done it again recently.I have to keep my distance.

Hope i don't sound like a agony aunt.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-25T01:14:02-07:00

Crossposting from G+, because it's that kind of night for me:

Having one of those 'I miss my ex so. fucking. much.' nights. I'm going back to LA for Halloween, and I want to see her while I'm out there, but I know if I call her or text her or e-mail her that she'll just ignore me, and even though I'm locked into going (bought ticket to a concert out there on the 29th) it's enough to make me just want to hole up in my apartment that weekend and avoid the world altogether instead.

I know you're never supposed to let someone else have that sort of power over you, but with her I can't help it. There are so many angry, horrible things I want to say about her, or to her, but i can't bring myself to do it. And if I see her, all of it goes away and all I want to do is hold her.

And she's always had that effect on me. My heart hasn't even really beat since we stopped last December, except those occasions when I dream about her, and then it pounds like a cartoon timpani and I imagine my neighbours can hear it.

I hate this. Because I can't move on. And I can't go back. And I'm stuck out here in the fucking desert with no friends but my co-workers and I can't even bury myself in work the same way that I used to.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-25T02:08:09-07:00

Gosh. Everyone seems to be having it pretty rough. I've read through everything, and i understand the lonliness.

As for myself, I'm moving. By choice. I've never done that before. I love where I live, the convenience, the cheapness of the neihborhood, but I am tired of the filth and the constant stream of tiny lies. I can't live someplace where i'm the only person who cleans up after myself. It's a shame, because I really put a lot of effort to get the apartment nice.

I decided my criteria were: crickets, yard, porch, trees outside my bedroom window, a place to sit with my laptop outside of my bedroom, internet, no indoor cigarette smoking, an adult home, not drunkenly trashed, 420 friendly.

I've fond two potential places, and I need to give them an answer within hours. I'd met the owners of both houses, sat and chatted with them on thier respective porches for at least two hours each. I am agonizing over the decision, and both owners are waiting on ME before going with thier second choice of tenant, and both have been insistent that they will accomodate me however they can.

Here's the two choices:

The Staten Island Place: http://newyork.craigslist.org/stn/roo/2606331734.html

Much niftier than the photos give justice. It's a large house, with a artsy kind of thrift store vibe that makes it feel comfy. It reminds me of Coraline. A large living room and sitting areas, a huge comfy front porch with couches, room that's a little bit small for what I was looking for, but a back yard that is tented by vines and trees, the house being at the end of a dead end street. Crickets. It is WALKING DISTANCE from the ferry, just about 4 or 5 blocks of neat looking houses, though the first two blocks are straight up a KILLER hill. The ferry is a really nice and peaceful way to get into the city, and runs all night every hour or half hour, and only takes about 25 minutes to get to Manhattan. There are some small bodegas that sell organic stuff nearby, so I could be independent. It is $650 a month with utilities included (or $700 for the room furnished, which Id' need), and there is some storage space. The house is owned by a couple (who have adorable dogs) that lives in LA for 8 months of the year, she is an actress. There is a fellow from Holland who is usually at his gf's house, a woman in her 50's who works for the circle line boats, and an artist couple is moving into the basement, and a guy in the attic. There is a firepit and are alright with having people by, if it's cleared by the others. It's a quiet place, and not entirely 420 friendly (discreet vaporizer use in my bedroom may be permitted). A wonderful place to be introspective and centered on myself, I imagine.

The Newark place: http://newyork.craigslist.org/jsy/roo/2608535446.html

A fucking GORGEOUS house, built in 1815 or osmething, with amazing wood work and a beautiful den with a fireplace and sitting nooks, and a back yard, and a huge front porch, a large 2nd floor bedroom with a closet for me, a 2nd floor TV room/ guest room, and clearly a place that guests are always welcome to come by and hang. It's in a beautiful neihborhood, but it IS still surrounded by Newark. I do not have a car, and the grocery store is a mile away. To get to the city, I'd need to take the NJ light rail Newark Penn Station (which doesn't run from 1am to 5am, so I'd often have to take $15 cab rides from Penn Station), then the PATH to the WTC. The inhabitants are three gay men between the ages of late 20's to 40's or so, and a 50 something New Zealand woman who travels. They are 420 friendly. This is a major plus. I really got along with them, sitting on the front porch for four hours chatting about politics and such. But the bedroom window faces the street, and there were strangely no crickets. It is $725 including utilities, PLUS the extra costs of transportation. I will only have about $750 a month to live on, though I hope to find some freelance stuff here and there to keep me afloat, but that's... reeaaaally tight to live someplace I'd probably need a car eventually. It is only an hour bus ride to my college, which is nice.

During regular human hours, it takes only about ten minutes longer to get to Union Square from Newark than it does from Staten Island. Getting to school will take me over 2 hours from Staten Island, but that's only once a week.

If the Newark house was in NYC, it would win hands down. I think. Maybe not. They do watch a lot of television. NJ life is inherantly more sedentary. I am prone to agoraphobia, and if I'm poor and being freaky-frugal, I might not go out if I know I'd have to pay an additional $6 every time I went to the city, as opposed to taking a free ferry to Manhattan. It's less about night life, and more about... every day things. Going to buy shoes. Getting glasses. Getting prescriptions filled. And if i get antsy at 2am, I'll be trapped in Newark. In Staten Island i could at least take a ferry ride.

I've few friends, and it'd be nice to have the camraderie of the household in Newark, and it'd be nice to be able to offer hospitality to those few friends I have when they visit. But I might be better being in a quiet place by myself? Where will i be more suited? Argh!!!

I'm confused and overwhelmed, and I've got a fever, and my Lyme Disease seems to be returning, and i'm tanking in school and might have to withdraw. Which makes me wonder why i'm even staying in the NJ/NYC area instead of moving far away.

I am so terrified I'm making the wrong decision.

Advice? Any considerations I'm not taking into account?

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-25T04:46:48-07:00

Single,middle-aged and living in Alaska! All I can do today is play The Residents "Birthday Boy" endlessly...

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-25T07:53:04-07:00

@ Everyone: Hang on and keep going, you just have to last longer than your troubles. Easy to say i know, but the best i can offer.

@ Rachael: If the problem at the Staten Island place is smoke, how about a herbal tincture? Shouldn't be too difficult and ought to work fairly well. Been thinking about giving it a try myself recently. Get some suitable herbage, vodka, maybe some sugar, even some fruit - sloes or wild redcurrants, there's enough about round here at the moment - stick it all in a big jar, leave it for a couple of weeks, shaking regularly and hey presto! Either it's delicious or it's vile, sugary vomit flavoured filth that you have to choke down while holding your nose (rowan berry vodka is very nice when done well, done badly though...). Either way the herbage should have some effect. Could be interesting.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-25T09:10:20-07:00

@Rachael If I were you, I'd go with option number one. Maybe it's my disillusionment with the Salt Lake public transit speaking, but a half hour ferry ride to school would be so nice.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-25T10:00:00-07:00

@Rachael

It seems like you along better with the Newark folk, and I'd be weird about not already having met everyone from the Staten Island place. That said, in my experience, I've been much happier when transportation is easier and I can get out more easily. I currently live in an area where I can walk everywhere I need, and it's fantastic. I have to take a 1.5hr bus ride every week for my volunteer gig, but it's worth doing it ONCE a week, and being able to just walk everywhere the rest of the week. The other two areas I lived in in San Diego, I was trapped in my area due to lack of car, and at times not being able to get away led to some bouts of depression for me. It seems like the Staten Island place, where you can just walk to the grocery store and get to Manhattan super easy, will be easier on you than the Newark place, where you might end up not being able to leave the house at times, and have trouble financially if you can't get the extra freelance work to make up for the added costs of transportation. So long as the people are nice and you think you'd get along with them, I think I'd go with the Staten Island place just for the sake of securing that I can 1) afford it without freaking out about costs of extra work didn't come in, and 2) actually be able to get around and not get stranded in Newark. But that's just me because I hate getting stranded where I live and not being able to get out of the house.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-25T11:03:59-07:00

@Rachel: This is probably a little two late, but I'd go with house 1 as well. Easier on the money and easier to get into town and other places.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-25T14:06:25-07:00

Yes. Well, I'd been waiting on a response from the Staten Island lady about some specifics before I made my decision, but in doing so, I seem to have waited too long to take the Newark place. I am ok with this, as the decision is made without me exactly, and I'm terrible at making decisions. However, the Staten Island lady still hasn't gotten back to me, which has me slightly worried. However, I know she's out of town for a non-wedding, so hopefully that's all that is going on.

I'm still looking to see if there's anything else out there. I wish I knew someone looking for a place as well that I could team up with and start an apartment with, but my timing seems to be terribly off in that regard.

Thank you so much, everyone for your input!! It really helps to hear personal points of view from others, as it aids in my ability to figure out my own perspective and needs.

Oooof.Fever returns. Time for a nap with the kitten.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 16th - 22nd)

2011-09-25T14:39:04-07:00

In about 3 hours, I'll be at the Ryman Auditorium, seeing Elvis Costello and the Imposters and their Spectacular Spinning Songbook, and somehow I cannot be happy. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we have 44 dollars til Thursday, 20 of which I have to use tonight just to make it to the show. I can't stop thinking about the overdue bills we have. I can't stop thinking about all the medical stuff I can't afford, while I watch myself fall apart very slowly. I can't stop thinking about how I haven't had an oil change in a year, how badly I need a new bra (I only have one now), how I put all this stuff off for so long and now we have no money, so it just feels like I'm sinking and I can't convince myself it'll get better and why the fuck does this show not fix everything, just for now?
Elvis Costello's music has meant so much to me, for years now. I might discover new stuff, get obsessed w/ other bands for a while, but there's always him. Right at the top of my list, he's always there. This show, it'll be the first time I'll see him w/ the Imposters. I've seen him play the Opry, I've seen him w/ the Nashville Symphony. But this is special.
I'm gonna stop writing; I always feel a little guilty, like my problems aren't that big of a deal and I'm just whining. But I'm gonna post this, and hope that you all get as much out of it as I do.