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    • CommentTimeSep 24th 2011
    In a little more than a week, I'm going to leave my home from the past 5 years for a completely new neighborhood in NYC.

    I've been walking around my neighborhood whenever I can. Taking in all the sights and sounds and people who I won't really get to see again. I'll come back to visit my friends in the area, but it won't be the same. It soon won't even feel like my home and eventually, it'll change enough for me to not recognize it in quite the same way. My heart aches for having to leave, but it hasn't broken yet. Despite everything I've been going through, my heart still doesn't feel broken.

    I'm tidying up my life, trying to sort out what can come with me & what will not. The last point of contention is our pet lizard. My ex is sad that I'll be taking Harvey with me. He pleaded with me to take the lizard last, so he can have someone to talk to for as long as possible. Part of me hurts for him and wants to leave Harvey behind. Part of me loves my little lizard and I will miss him terribly. And another part of me is upset that he's guilt tripping me about this issue like that. It's just an enraging reminder of how I always have to give up what I want for someone else, like I've done for the past too many years. Because I value other peoples' emotions and hurt over my own.

    Nothing has been easy for the past month of my life. It's just been endlessly charging forth and hoping I'm still in one piece when I get to the other side of October. I would love to feel the same daily contentment I once held. Sometime soon.
    • CommentTimeSep 24th 2011
    I've got lots and lots of homework due next week. On tuesday, we're having critiques for an intaglio photopolymer plate project. This is the biggest worry, partially because it's due first, partially because of the process, and partially because I bit off more than I maybe should have with a project that I only had a little over a week to do. We were asked to do something with varied tones of grey, so I drew 9 pictures and want them to be in a grid, half the size I drew them all together. It's basically a piece about how I'm frustrated that I can't expect anything from anywhere or anyone, but that others (my parents mostly) have such specific expectations for me. And that I can't even get help when I need it to do the things that are expected of me. I feel like right now in it's drawing form it's working pretty well. It's nice doing art I actually care about, after such a stretch of art block.

    The problem is that I have to make a photocopy of the thing onto a transparency, do a test plate to find my exposure, expose and develop the actual plate, let said plate dry for at least 2 hours, (would've been best overnight, but it's too late for that now), and print an edition of 5 before my first class on tuesday. Along with all my other homework.

    Also, my sister, seeing me doing the drawing of my mom saying "You just can't expect me to help you right now," told me that it was a selfish and sad piece to make, and she wished I was doing something else. My sister understands my art generally better than most of my family, and usually her comments are fairly apt. So now I'm questioning if it even is any good, or if I should just start over. But I don't have time or an idea to start over with.

    I also need to do a linocut, a relief based photopolymer, a colograph, and a pressure print for my Letterpress class on wednesday. I have my colograph matrix done and my negative for the photopolymer, but the plate isn't ready for it. None of the printing has been done for any of this, and I don't even have any idea what to do for the pressure print or linoleum. And I also have to have a mock-up ready for a broadside that we have to do for the next project, but to do that I need to find time to go look at some books and come up with an idea for it, too.

    The stress of all this work would be fine if it weren't for the fact that I've hit a point where, because of library/studio access, I can't do anything until monday. The studio that's open to me 24/7 will be useless until I can get to the library to make a photocopy. I just don't know how I'm going to manage it. I'm sure I will, I always do, but I still don't know how.

    To top it off, today my ex decided to chat with me about his new girlfriend. It wasn't a bad discussion really, and it was one that needed to be had if we plan on staying friends of any sort. But man. That didn't leave me with happy thoughts.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 24th 2011
    fucking hell Whitechapel why does my stupid laptop keep destroying my aching skull and keep crashing.Please bear with the poor flecky as he tries in vain to make a connection with you groovy fuckers. Tis 5 a.m in Shepherds Bush and i am surrendering to the dark side..not the poxy force but something of a more hideous nature..a snarling 8 legged beast of resentment manifested in the form of my stinky little life.Gonna post this test before HAL takes control of my shite hardware..what a total cunt it is..

    Things were not this complex when the internet was on good old paper. Bastard technology!! I fooking hate it from the depths of me balls.

    • CommentTimeSep 24th 2011
    @Fishelle the best thing about art is using it as an outlet for all your emotions. Don't ever let someone dissuade you from doing a piece because it's 'too sad'.
    Good luck with your printing.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 24th 2011
    He He.. a modicum of success..i feel a relief from this constant migraine i am victim to due to my detox.Or maybe it's not the detox..maybe a cluster of insects now reside in my ultra damaged skull..if i scratch my greasy forehead will i open it up and shall they all come falling out consuming my feeble body..if i had a camera i would film it so you could all share in the shit of my could be shown on the cinema in crappy 3D. I despise what the big screen is..imagine if they did 3D versions of Ingmar Bergman(did i spell that right?) films? Shit..i reckon if they do another Alien vs Predator movie they will have the chest bursters popping at you so all the tossers in the cinema can go "Oo..that was good!" .Being a old miserable git i've not been to see a 3D movie since the eighties..Jaws 3D and other fooked with me then so i dare say it will just cause me to scream out with hate if i was to be weak and succumb to the novelty now.

    I swear to you Whitehouse i'm going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in Earls Court in a few hours and when i share my shite with all the posh gits I am going to ask them if anyone has read anything by our dear uncle Warren Ellis..and if not one of them goes "Me! Me! I fucking love Planetary,Freakangels,Dr.Sleepless etc" i will look them all in the eye and snarl at them and proclaim "Wankers"

    Some bloke the other day at a meeting in Ladbroke Grove said "When i use i'm like superman changing into his outfit in a phonebox!"...his dead body is now ripe as a rotten cabbage in my bath.The bitch had it coming..he was a sad retarded fucktard anyway.

    I really love this site. It's one of the key factors in my recovery from taking drugs for most of my life. I do feel for you lot when i read your posts of dealing with the bullshit that life throws at us..i better be careful and not get all weepy..or else a eel may slither into my knickers..and I wouldn't want that..or would I?

    Take care all.
  1.  (10220.46)
    @glukkake: Part of me wants to say that you should just take the lizard, but since it was a shared pet, I don't know. But whatever you do, I hope it works for the best and you don't regret it. *hugs*

    @Fishelle: Don't feel guilty. Seriously. Your sister might be understanding and etc of your art, but this is a piece that she probably won't get, and that's fine. Maybe she'll get it later, but right now, she doesn't. It's not selfish to do art about things that are negatively affecting you, even if those things include family. You're processing your frustrations through art, and that's fine. *hugs* You'll get through it.

    Well, the OkCupid thing seems to be working out ok so far. Work is... work. Not getting enough hours currently. Things aren't quite right. I should probably look for another part time job just in case. Bleh. I'd really rather not. I'm currently drooling over the work of Roberto Ferri, and Italian artist I discovered as a result of looking at Shoomlah's tumblr. I totally want a couple of her Disney Princess prints (Ariel and Jasmine for sure). Ummmm. I think that's it for now? Sure, I'm tired enough that my brain is a touch zombified.
    • CommentTimeSep 24th 2011
    I dunno. I was just sorta here. And there. And not paying attention. Darn it. Tried to help my friend but that didn't quite work. Later in the week she helped me out. Can't swear she was happy to do it, she's the sort that won't say no unless it's impossible. I hate to think I was taking advantage... argh. I wish I could help people around me as much as they help me - if not more.

    Finances are worse than I thought they were, and I thought they were pretty awful. Couldn't pull off getting ice cream for my niece for her birthday, mom had to cover that, like everything else. Driving the kid around I was thinking I just want to make enough money to put gas in the truck and keep rolling. But that's childish, no? The truck is only barely running, the front tire alignment is off, breaks squeal and every now and then there's this smell... To say nothing of needing to eat better, see a dentist...ugh. And I want enough slack in my cash reserves to help friends with their emergencies? Oy.

    But it's my discipline and I can't buy that. I've been avoiding it. Procrastinating, finding stupid distractions, giving myself reasons to avoid doing what I have to. I'm too eager to wait for the perfect moment, hanging back on my heels and passing on decent opportunities. ARgh. Like Casey at bat over here. and I can't take myself seriously when I give myself frowney faces. *sigh* shit hasn't changed in years.

    Art aplenty around, thank goodness. Suzuki and Viewpoints training and I never want to leave the theatre. I want to build titanic statements about crisis and desire, fear of mortality and the bone chilling, choking frustration of not being able to say exactly what I mean.

    Maybe because other people were talking about, maybe because some of entertaining distractions have covered the subject I've been feeling my singleness. Trying not to think about it, there isn't much point since I'm not going to try to do anything about it. just frustrating...lonely. But not really. Realistically it would be complex to try to date right now. All told, though, this has the capacity to turn me into one of those middle aged ladies with too many cats and whose primary methods of relaxation is reading a Harlequin novel with a stack of bonbons in reach. The sort of lady who gets cranky at watching other couples having fun... Blah.

    Home is a mess. but that's the people I live with. I'm trying to keep my head down but I'm getting tired of people tearing each other down. Reason #108762 I need to get my butt in gear toward an healthy income. Let's see if that ever actually happens.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 24th 2011
    @ razrangel: you hit a nerve with me. I feel desperately lonely at the moment and even if it was on the cards now would be the worst time for me to have a relationship. It stinks though and it's really hard work for me to watch young couples in the street etc..i have to really keep my resentment in check if they are making out.My intitial reaction is to sneer in contempt yet realise that was probably me when i was
    It's no easy being a 13yr old in a 47 yr old blokes body..the main thing keeping me going is writing and starting to draw again.

    Sometimes keeping your head down is the best we can do..if i get in the middle of people destroying one another i always end up getting hurt myself..just done it again recently.I have to keep my distance.

    Hope i don't sound like a agony aunt.
  2.  (10220.49)
    Crossposting from G+, because it's that kind of night for me:

    Having one of those 'I miss my ex so. fucking. much.' nights. I'm going back to LA for Halloween, and I want to see her while I'm out there, but I know if I call her or text her or e-mail her that she'll just ignore me, and even though I'm locked into going (bought ticket to a concert out there on the 29th) it's enough to make me just want to hole up in my apartment that weekend and avoid the world altogether instead.

    I know you're never supposed to let someone else have that sort of power over you, but with her I can't help it. There are so many angry, horrible things I want to say about her, or to her, but i can't bring myself to do it. And if I see her, all of it goes away and all I want to do is hold her.

    And she's always had that effect on me. My heart hasn't even really beat since we stopped last December, except those occasions when I dream about her, and then it pounds like a cartoon timpani and I imagine my neighbours can hear it.

    I hate this. Because I can't move on. And I can't go back. And I'm stuck out here in the fucking desert with no friends but my co-workers and I can't even bury myself in work the same way that I used to.
  3.  (10220.50)
    Gosh. Everyone seems to be having it pretty rough. I've read through everything, and i understand the lonliness.

    As for myself, I'm moving. By choice. I've never done that before. I love where I live, the convenience, the cheapness of the neihborhood, but I am tired of the filth and the constant stream of tiny lies. I can't live someplace where i'm the only person who cleans up after myself. It's a shame, because I really put a lot of effort to get the apartment nice.

    I decided my criteria were: crickets, yard, porch, trees outside my bedroom window, a place to sit with my laptop outside of my bedroom, internet, no indoor cigarette smoking, an adult home, not drunkenly trashed, 420 friendly.

    I've fond two potential places, and I need to give them an answer within hours. I'd met the owners of both houses, sat and chatted with them on thier respective porches for at least two hours each. I am agonizing over the decision, and both owners are waiting on ME before going with thier second choice of tenant, and both have been insistent that they will accomodate me however they can.

    Here's the two choices:

    The Staten Island Place:

    Much niftier than the photos give justice. It's a large house, with a artsy kind of thrift store vibe that makes it feel comfy. It reminds me of Coraline. A large living room and sitting areas, a huge comfy front porch with couches, room that's a little bit small for what I was looking for, but a back yard that is tented by vines and trees, the house being at the end of a dead end street. Crickets. It is WALKING DISTANCE from the ferry, just about 4 or 5 blocks of neat looking houses, though the first two blocks are straight up a KILLER hill. The ferry is a really nice and peaceful way to get into the city, and runs all night every hour or half hour, and only takes about 25 minutes to get to Manhattan. There are some small bodegas that sell organic stuff nearby, so I could be independent. It is $650 a month with utilities included (or $700 for the room furnished, which Id' need), and there is some storage space. The house is owned by a couple (who have adorable dogs) that lives in LA for 8 months of the year, she is an actress. There is a fellow from Holland who is usually at his gf's house, a woman in her 50's who works for the circle line boats, and an artist couple is moving into the basement, and a guy in the attic. There is a firepit and are alright with having people by, if it's cleared by the others. It's a quiet place, and not entirely 420 friendly (discreet vaporizer use in my bedroom may be permitted). A wonderful place to be introspective and centered on myself, I imagine.

    The Newark place:

    A fucking GORGEOUS house, built in 1815 or osmething, with amazing wood work and a beautiful den with a fireplace and sitting nooks, and a back yard, and a huge front porch, a large 2nd floor bedroom with a closet for me, a 2nd floor TV room/ guest room, and clearly a place that guests are always welcome to come by and hang. It's in a beautiful neihborhood, but it IS still surrounded by Newark. I do not have a car, and the grocery store is a mile away. To get to the city, I'd need to take the NJ light rail Newark Penn Station (which doesn't run from 1am to 5am, so I'd often have to take $15 cab rides from Penn Station), then the PATH to the WTC. The inhabitants are three gay men between the ages of late 20's to 40's or so, and a 50 something New Zealand woman who travels. They are 420 friendly. This is a major plus. I really got along with them, sitting on the front porch for four hours chatting about politics and such. But the bedroom window faces the street, and there were strangely no crickets. It is $725 including utilities, PLUS the extra costs of transportation. I will only have about $750 a month to live on, though I hope to find some freelance stuff here and there to keep me afloat, but that's... reeaaaally tight to live someplace I'd probably need a car eventually. It is only an hour bus ride to my college, which is nice.

    During regular human hours, it takes only about ten minutes longer to get to Union Square from Newark than it does from Staten Island. Getting to school will take me over 2 hours from Staten Island, but that's only once a week.

    If the Newark house was in NYC, it would win hands down. I think. Maybe not. They do watch a lot of television. NJ life is inherantly more sedentary. I am prone to agoraphobia, and if I'm poor and being freaky-frugal, I might not go out if I know I'd have to pay an additional $6 every time I went to the city, as opposed to taking a free ferry to Manhattan. It's less about night life, and more about... every day things. Going to buy shoes. Getting glasses. Getting prescriptions filled. And if i get antsy at 2am, I'll be trapped in Newark. In Staten Island i could at least take a ferry ride.

    I've few friends, and it'd be nice to have the camraderie of the household in Newark, and it'd be nice to be able to offer hospitality to those few friends I have when they visit. But I might be better being in a quiet place by myself? Where will i be more suited? Argh!!!

    I'm confused and overwhelmed, and I've got a fever, and my Lyme Disease seems to be returning, and i'm tanking in school and might have to withdraw. Which makes me wonder why i'm even staying in the NJ/NYC area instead of moving far away.

    I am so terrified I'm making the wrong decision.

    Advice? Any considerations I'm not taking into account?
  4.  (10220.51)
    Single,middle-aged and living in Alaska! All I can do today is play The Residents "Birthday Boy" endlessly...

    • CommentAuthorroadscum
    • CommentTimeSep 25th 2011
    @ Everyone: Hang on and keep going, you just have to last longer than your troubles. Easy to say i know, but the best i can offer.

    @ Rachael: If the problem at the Staten Island place is smoke, how about a herbal tincture? Shouldn't be too difficult and ought to work fairly well. Been thinking about giving it a try myself recently. Get some suitable herbage, vodka, maybe some sugar, even some fruit - sloes or wild redcurrants, there's enough about round here at the moment - stick it all in a big jar, leave it for a couple of weeks, shaking regularly and hey presto! Either it's delicious or it's vile, sugary vomit flavoured filth that you have to choke down while holding your nose (rowan berry vodka is very nice when done well, done badly though...). Either way the herbage should have some effect. Could be interesting.
    • CommentTimeSep 25th 2011
    @Rachael If I were you, I'd go with option number one. Maybe it's my disillusionment with the Salt Lake public transit speaking, but a half hour ferry ride to school would be so nice.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeSep 25th 2011

    It seems like you along better with the Newark folk, and I'd be weird about not already having met everyone from the Staten Island place. That said, in my experience, I've been much happier when transportation is easier and I can get out more easily. I currently live in an area where I can walk everywhere I need, and it's fantastic. I have to take a 1.5hr bus ride every week for my volunteer gig, but it's worth doing it ONCE a week, and being able to just walk everywhere the rest of the week. The other two areas I lived in in San Diego, I was trapped in my area due to lack of car, and at times not being able to get away led to some bouts of depression for me. It seems like the Staten Island place, where you can just walk to the grocery store and get to Manhattan super easy, will be easier on you than the Newark place, where you might end up not being able to leave the house at times, and have trouble financially if you can't get the extra freelance work to make up for the added costs of transportation. So long as the people are nice and you think you'd get along with them, I think I'd go with the Staten Island place just for the sake of securing that I can 1) afford it without freaking out about costs of extra work didn't come in, and 2) actually be able to get around and not get stranded in Newark. But that's just me because I hate getting stranded where I live and not being able to get out of the house.
  5.  (10220.55)
    @Rachel: This is probably a little two late, but I'd go with house 1 as well. Easier on the money and easier to get into town and other places.
  6.  (10220.56)
    Yes. Well, I'd been waiting on a response from the Staten Island lady about some specifics before I made my decision, but in doing so, I seem to have waited too long to take the Newark place. I am ok with this, as the decision is made without me exactly, and I'm terrible at making decisions. However, the Staten Island lady still hasn't gotten back to me, which has me slightly worried. However, I know she's out of town for a non-wedding, so hopefully that's all that is going on.

    I'm still looking to see if there's anything else out there. I wish I knew someone looking for a place as well that I could team up with and start an apartment with, but my timing seems to be terribly off in that regard.

    Thank you so much, everyone for your input!! It really helps to hear personal points of view from others, as it aids in my ability to figure out my own perspective and needs.

    Oooof.Fever returns. Time for a nap with the kitten.
    • CommentTimeSep 25th 2011
    In about 3 hours, I'll be at the Ryman Auditorium, seeing Elvis Costello and the Imposters and their Spectacular Spinning Songbook, and somehow I cannot be happy. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we have 44 dollars til Thursday, 20 of which I have to use tonight just to make it to the show. I can't stop thinking about the overdue bills we have. I can't stop thinking about all the medical stuff I can't afford, while I watch myself fall apart very slowly. I can't stop thinking about how I haven't had an oil change in a year, how badly I need a new bra (I only have one now), how I put all this stuff off for so long and now we have no money, so it just feels like I'm sinking and I can't convince myself it'll get better and why the fuck does this show not fix everything, just for now?
    Elvis Costello's music has meant so much to me, for years now. I might discover new stuff, get obsessed w/ other bands for a while, but there's always him. Right at the top of my list, he's always there. This show, it'll be the first time I'll see him w/ the Imposters. I've seen him play the Opry, I've seen him w/ the Nashville Symphony. But this is special.
    I'm gonna stop writing; I always feel a little guilty, like my problems aren't that big of a deal and I'm just whining. But I'm gonna post this, and hope that you all get as much out of it as I do.