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  1.  (10234.21)
    Because of the music festival in nearby Asbury Park, I'd asked my family if I could PAY and rent the usually empty and unused house on the Jersey Shore that they own for the first weekend of October. I asked them this in JUNE.

    I used to live in the tiny apartment in the back of the house in the summer, and the main part of the house in the winter. They kicked me out for no real reason with a month of notice three years ago. Seems they changed the keys, too.

    A few weeks ago, I finally got an answer: yes, and that they'd not charge me. Great! I solidified the tentative invites I'd given to friends, and started my own inner plans. But now, days before hand, I am told that I'm only to use the tiny back apartment. They've rented out the house to someone else, and I'm not allowed in.

    ...... y'know. My family.... I try to be responsible and not the mooch that they think I am, and.... fuck.

    @government spy - don't be too confident about your ability to quit overnight. It might help you to understand what she is going through if you quit when she does. You'll be more on the same page of getting used to the lifestyle when she emerges, and it'd help for it to be your new normal as much as possible by that point. You're going to have to reset all your associations - what you grab when you go shopping, what you suggest to do with friends, how to celebrate, where you stop on your way home from work, etc. There is a real possibility that you've picked up a lot of her lifestyle, and even if you aren't an addict yourself, you've been living with those patterns for a long time, and that's difficult to break.
    • CommentTimeSep 28th 2011 edited
    @Gov't Spy
    Echoing Rachael, my personal experience also says that, even when you know you can quit overnight, it's best to ease out of things, especially Alcohol.

    Sorry for the unsolicited $00.02
  2.  (10234.23)
    @nelzbub: Kick him out. He's not going to get better until he has to, and so far he hasn't had to. Also, you need a flatmate who is going to actually pay rent.
    • CommentTimeSep 28th 2011
    @government spy - to counterbalance what has been said, easing out of things has never worked for me. Cold turkey is the only thing that works. I have trouble for a few days as my brain wants me to follow the old habit, but by just not doing it I think I rewire quicker, and form different habits that don't include the thing I'm quitting.

    Any time I've tried to gradually wean myself from something, it just is an excuse to stay in at a low level until some later time that I don't care as much, and end up diving back in full force.
  3.  (10234.25)
    I agree with Odddbill.

    The only good things about my genetics are: looking about ten years my junior, and not having the addiction gene. I do suffer from habituation, though, and have OCD issues, so quitting anything tends to make my brain go into overdrive. If I buy a box of cookies, I eat them til they are gone, regardless of how ill I feel. If I start drinking, I keep drinking until I need to pass out. If I buy a pack of cigarettes, I smoke the pack in less than two days. Moderation is not something I, personally, can handle with most things, even though I've never had an addiction in the true sense. I did not smoke for over a year, by quitting cold turkey while living with a 2 pack a day smoker. (spite is a wonderful inspiration)

    Especially with drinking, easing into not drinking so much, well, that's not really the experience that your significant other is going through, nor will ever be a reality that she will be lucky enough to live. If you want to be on the same page as she, quitting cold turkey is the way to go. A binary outlook like that doesn't leave dangerous wiggle room for that slippery slope of justifications and whatnot.

    But here's the awesome part: When you stop drinking, the more you engage with drunkards, the less you want to EVER DRINK AGAIN. That cab ride home at 5 am with your bartender friend isn't a fun adventure, it's annoying as he tells you the same story for the fifth time.
    • CommentTimeSep 28th 2011
    To everyone: The current topic is one I have absolutely no experience in; I've lived a fairly sheltered life around people who, at worst, have a glass of wine everyday. And I don't drink, because I've never been able to get over the "ew, bleh, yuck" from the first sips of anything I've tried. So, no advice. I still have love for all of you, so lots of good thoughts to you, govt. spy and your lady.

    I had a good cry after my post last week, then I sucked it up and enjoyed the hell out of walking around downtown Nashville before rocking out to Elvis Costello. An Australian lady in the pew behind me asked me if I enjoyed myself as we were all exiting the Ryman. I may have been the only person in my section standing up and screaming and dancing and knowing when to actually sing along (as if the house lights going up weren't enough help) most of the whole show. I guess I can't expect too much out of people 20+ years older than me... I was kinda bummed that all the people EC pulled on stage to spin the wheel were from the very front. Can't help but feel like I deserved it more, but what do you do.
    Until tomorrow, we have maybe a dollar in the bank. I'm not as depressed about it right now as I usually am. I got to see a friend I used to work w/ today, and we watched Doctor Who and ate Pizza Rolls and she did a Mary Kay makeover on my face. She just started selling, so I was her first guinea pig. I actually like it. I wear absolutely no makeup ever. Out of laziness, mostly... If we ever get extra money again, I might buy some stuff from her. I felt so underdressed when I got home, I put on a skirt, one of the two I own.
    I want to take pride in how I look. I really do. But I self-sabotage that all the time; I eat shit food and down unnerving amounts of soda, I give in to t-shirt-and-jeans uniform after I take off my dickies-and-baker's-shirt uniform from work, I spend as little money as possible on toiletries and other such products.
    (Of course, the fella just got home and said, "Well, you look like you have make-up on. I don't know what you want me to say." He doesn't like make-up. He wrote a song about how he doesn't like girls that wear make-up. That's what I get for being optimistic and feeling good about myself just a little bit. And I got paid and that leave us barely enough money for gas after rent, and I think I give up trying to be happy now.)
  4.  (10234.27)
    @Brittanica: I'm rolling my eyes at the fella. He might not like makeup, but that doesn't mean he has the right to dictate anyone else's use of it. You were having a good time with a friend, and there is no shame in that. Savor those few good things, even if the fella can't. I have a suspicion that the fella is probably not too into dressing up nice, so I can imagine it being hard to go the extra mile. It's easier to buy cute (cheap) clothes and put more thought on how to put things together if someone actually notices and responds positively. And I'm going to be a horrible person and say that on the rare occasions that I do drink, I like plum wine, a white russian, brandy alexander, chambord (or whatever that blackberry liquer is) and just about any coffee or chocolate liquer have so much sugar in them that they go down quite easily. Oh! And the last time I was in a bar (with my second cousin and his wife), I had a taste of what was 2/3rds Apple Absolut and 1/3rd ginger ale and it was disarmingly delish. Is that a mixed drink with a proper name? But I rarely have reasons to drink and make a point to not get drunk, so take what I say as you will.

    @govspy: That said, I would echo anyone who says that if you're going to be with a recovering alcoholic, no more booze is the rule for both of you. And Rachel's right, drunks really are annoying.

    As for me, I'm working harder on finding ways to get more hours at work and am back to looking for cheap apartments that might be available. Okcupid seems to be working ok. I've decided that either I can stay with my parents and go to therapy, or do my best to do something about some of the things that make me feel shitty. I might not be able to get my art mojo back now, or start selling prints online, but at least I can find an apartment to rent, and find out what living on my own is like instead of putting it off because I'm afraid I'll fuck it up. And if it means I become an expert ramen noodle chef, and wear five layers to bed, so be it.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011
    If my laptop frrezzez or whetever happens i will scream into the void.Pure existential horror when that happens as it takes me fookin' ages to tap my shit in.

    @ eveyone. Wow.Gosh.I really don't know where to start.Giving advice can be a real dangerous thing.People tend to project their own experience and if they don't keep themselves in check they can turn into awful judgemental twats.This i know. I have been at the brunt of it all this year. I got major resentment's going with folk from NA telling me i should go to City Rds treatment centre in London city..that i should do this day programme..that i should go to this rehab and I even felt like one ok bloke was telling me i should get fooking nicked and do a cold turkey in prison.Fuck sake..

    @ government spy.shit mate shit.Ok..i'm a "garbage head". I've been abusing(and lots of the time loving) everything i could get my mitts on from about the age of 11.I did a hardcore rehab at the age of 20.I am now 47. This was in 1985.I was utterly fucked going there on the train.All i had was blood spots on my crap jeans.My only comforting thought was how much a hit of heroin would be when i did a year there.
    Yet before that i did a short detox in a insane asylum in the north of england.There was none of the support avalable then that there is now.Fuck all.Before that and during my teens i loved booze.Because of society and mates and family it almost felt mandatory.If i wasn't on the smack i was getting pissed and thought "well... this is ok..pubs everywhere..good mates from school drinking and not getting into a state"
    I was the only smackhead in the most addicts we think we are the centre of the multiverse.My eyes opened in detox.People came in having fits on hard tiled floors..smashing their skulls open,pissing their kidneys out,shitting blood.

    As some people have stated booze is the bitch of the bunch.Doing a cold turkey from it can kill.Like barbituates(i was addicted to them for a while)..benzodiapines..all very dangerous to just stop.Opiates..yes..yet you run the chance of going insane and just becoming unfuctionable.And what's the point in that?
    Cut to the chase..two years after doing encounter on one talking.having a laugh ..i thought im cured.I had it all..was a teacher,worked with the elderly,was working in a probation day centre,did voluntary work with kids at a after school thing in the roughest parts of Newcastle,had a girl who i loved and will never forget..yet my favourite job was working in this really cool indy bar and fuck did i drink..lock ins drinking mad concoctions of spirits..this led me to relapse on the smack,lose everything and just go back to self destruct.
    I've lost so many cool the moment one of my best,intelligent friends is killing himself with the booze.I tried my best to help him stop drinking earlier this year..whilst detoxing myself i got all the meds .got him to stay at mine(he was pissing himself etc).And did it work..did it fuck.He went back to his woman who i have a major resentment against.Basically she used to play me and we used together..I started to hate my best mate because he didn't stop drinking.Now i see this as a personal defect of mine.I can meet him while he drinks on park benches etc.

    I have had to ban the drink from my flat..people have slowly got the message and don't come round.I have had to give up hanging with other best friends.Educated folk who drink constantly.I love some of them but fuck at times i wan't them dead!
    I can't drink social style..if i crack a bottle of Jack D (which i fookin' love) next thing i know i've got a crack pipe in my mouth,smack on the foil and the urge to have sex with a prostitute(which i fookin' love)..all bad shit.

    I dont believe i've ever seen a relationship survive where one drinks and the other doesn't.Not one.Even when both stop drinking there is something going on that leads to shit.Got to have a fag and coffee. Back soon.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011
    God damn the weather is weird.Strange shit going on in the heart of the sun.

    @ nelz bub: Thanks loads for your words of support.I will read yours..and eveyones posts again. grammer is terrible.The embarassment i feel when trying to edit some of my short stories.I feel so stupid yet look to other authors like burroughs for inspiration. head just started pounding..reliving what i just posted and this detox are probably the main offendors..

    I'm down to 4mgs of suboxone which has a receptor blocker in it which i'm sure is laying metal mind lice into me rancid brain

    Going to pop into a AA meeting over the road from where i live in Shepherds Bush, London, in a bit. All this talk of booze has got me in the mood to share my particular brand of psycho shit..getting a rep as a nutta in NA.. which the pervert in me gets off on.

    Trying to do step fookin' two on paper but found myself watchin Babylon 5 season 3 and readin Joe the barbarian instead...
    Music has been so helpful when sick..from Brian Eno,Big Black, Neu,Sonic Youth etc to mad soundtracks from films.. it's all good shit.

    I will return o faithful Whitechapel..your all i got baby!!
  5.  (10234.30)
    @ flecky - watching Babylon 5 is fabulous escapist therapy, I must say.
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011
    @britannica, super cute skirt! (from the self-portrait thread). You say you don't wear makeup much, so I'm going to say some things that are super redundant: Most men don't know what they like. When women are made up to look "natural," men pick their images out of a selection, and say they like "makeup-free" women the best. What they mean is they like the makeup-free LOOK, but don't actually have a clue whether or not makeup is being used. If you want to, say, even out your skin tone, cover up blemishes, and lengthen your lashes a little (which is the makeup school to which I belong), but don't want the crazy lip- or eye-colour, it's a lot simpler to ease into those habits without startling yourself in the mirror (or anyone else, for that matter, not that you should care what the hell they think blah blah you go girl blah).

    You should probably also mention to your boyfriend how much it sucks that he rained on your free-makeup parade. I don't care if he genuinely didn't like it; he could've been funny about it, at least.
  6.  (10234.32)
    My eyes are buggered. For the second night in a row, I've come home and found my eyes start spasming if I try looking at a monitor too hard, or drawing on paper, or reading. This is making my eyes want to burst, so I'll stop in a second, but this is no fun at all. I sense a new prescription in my near future.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011
    @ allana: You are so right. Us men are full of it.When we see a false tanned,thick layed foundation faced lip stick smudged messy eye lined women we go "uggh...horrible painted sad whore. give me a natural woman anytime"
    And then when we see a woman with no make up on who we've had a agenda for and chat to them and notice they have a tiny zit we go all"uggh..squeeze that fucker!"

    I'm not talking about every man though.

    I am Judge Dredd and a bit of a pratt.

    Saying that i am a victim to vanity at times which is ok

    I pluck rogue eye lashes..horrible nose hairs..weird grey things growing from ears..

    God..i just remembered the mutated horror of puberty.Hours in front of mirrors popping spots and coils of white cheese pustule matter splattered on fingers.Bloody little volcanos on me forhead with a liitle egg on the top.

    Fuck what people think i look like..
    At the moment i am letting myself go a bit..not shaving..wearing shit clothes with food stains on..dirty old converse low tops..armpits stink of cheap cider and vinegar.
    It's all because of my masterplan..i am testing people and taking mental note when they judge me.

    It's a social experiment as i am writing about insanity as a part of step two of the twelve step programme.

    Saying that i think i will have a bath and a shave tomorrow as i fooking stink!
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011 edited

    I always feel stupid trying to come up with something to say when I simply mean "hope it turns out." I don't have much in the way of advice, but we got your back here man. If there's anything being on WC for this long has taught me, it's that internet friends can be as real (occasionally more) than real life people. Words can mean a lot, identifying with someone can mean a lot, knowing there is a tangible, external world that wants you in it can mean a lot. We're from all over the place, but we want you here and we want your life to be cool. There are few better platforms for your troubles than this thread right here. Good luck, man.


    Goes for you too man. you're clearly a smart dude who's had a fucked up life, and no one here wants to judge you for it. It's fantastic that you've been spilling your guts here, I feel, and I really hope it's helped you cope with some of your demons that have been floating around your circumstance. Godspeed, sir.


    As someone who waited too long to "fly the coop," I can say that there is a certain moral standing to just doing it, regardless of the fears of fucking it up. Honestly, it's not hard. You know how to balance a checkbook and wash dishes and you can basically do it. What I'm trying to say is I really doubt you'll "fuck it up." I think you're smarter than me and I can do it. Just expect to be kind of poor.


    Poorness is a bitch, but there are two sides for it. You'll get to the other side, for sure. Apart from that, your fella sounds like he was kind of being an asshole. By the sound of it, I don't think he meant to be, but sometimes people are assholes like that. Ignore his reaction. Sounds like you were exerting awesomeness and you shouldn't feel bad about that. BE AWESOME INSTEAD! :D (Sorry if that's not my business. I would have reacted differently, is all; I think it's more important to be happy for someone who is happy than it is to be unenthusiastic for no good reason. I've dealt with the latter a lot and it's a pretty shitty way to be. Why discourage?)

    The first part of this post was both genuine and sinister. I've been thinking a lot about reassurance, and how we each have feedback systems for it in ourselves. I've also been thinking a lot about the objective external world (fucking philosophy majors, right?). This thread is an incredible testament to both the objective state of moral principles and the subjective state of moral codification. I like to think of a semi-nihilism on this point, where the moral principle is absolutely objective: the goal of having a moral code is and should be the same, always, or can be reduced to the same, few, objective items (freedom from suffering, propagation of life, advancement and preservation of society & culture), but the mean moral codes are subjective so as to accommodate for experiential reality, point of view, evaluation, empathy and social influence.

    Blah Blah Blah.

    Back to reassurance. There are a few ways we can know there is an outside world. Not that they are absolute proofs, but they are simple ways that we can empathically connect with an outside consciousness and understand that we are part of the larger whole of the hierarchy of life on Earth. Sex achieves this in a pretty direct way. But I don't think we should fuck a cow to know it feels pain when we kill it for meat and leather.

    This thread is a testament to my point. We all get trapped in ourselves from time to time, and this is where we spill it out. Here we find people that need the same thing. Perhaps different personal reasons, but the same impulse pulls us here, makes us want to interact and reassure each other that there are other people who have problems and pain and happiness just like "I" do. For the luckier of us, like myself, it underscores that there are people who definitely have it worse, and lets us put our problems in perspective. Makes them easier to deal with. For the less lucky of us, we have each other to talk to and get it out of our heads.

    Shit! I have to get ready for school. I've been kind of wallowing a bit lately. Always makes me feel grubby, and I don't want to go out in public feeling this grubby.

    Godspeed to you all; I don't think Jesus was a real person but I kind of look like the popular depiction of him and I love you all so that will have to do. Not much, but better than nothing, I hope.

    (Edited for syntax)
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011
    Re: the fella. I'm pretty sure he's not just posturing w/ the whole "I don't like make-up" thing. If there's one thing he hates, it's dishonesty. And I did talk to him about it after I had calmed down (I started yelling at him, when he offered to not eat today to save money. He was being irrational, but that doesn't mean I had to curse at him). He was kinda hurt that I felt like I had to cover myself up when he's always thought I'm beautiful. And I can respect that; I know I have a lot of self-esteem issues but if there's any other person's opinion on me that should matter, it'd be his.
    I don't take more pride in my appearance out of laziness, mostly. I don't see me getting gussied up more until I take care whatever it is that makes me not want to do ANYTHING.
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011 edited
    Trini - Do it! Move out! Tell me what it's like in that wonderful world!

    I've been sick and have spent the last two days in bed watching Dallas, Star Trek (the movies and episodes) and Malcolm Fucking Tucker. I've also been worried about the Pumpkin Beer that I'm making this weekend, but either way, it's an experience so I can't worry that much about fucking up.

    In a few weeks I'll be starting an internship at a music company, sort of doing part A&R work along with contacting production companies to use music in their productions. I...don't really know how I feel about this, as the last time I tried something similar I was contacting productions to use only the music that we already had which...really took the fun out of it, as I was hoping to discover new music (and the music available was beyond craptastic). But oh well! It's an unpaid internship, only two days a week and I still get to keep my regular day job of writing bios and press releases for the other three days. Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out and I leave. Best case, it leads to a job with an income I can survive on and will allow me to hopefully get a studio apartment (some cheap ones came up recently that are kind of exciting me a bit). Another perk is that I think it's office formal dresswear there, so I can bust out the 80s powersuit.

    The financial inheritance from my grandfather came in (essentially it was the money from selling the house split 50/50 between my father and his brother. I'm getting $1000 of it nice. I'm making myself not touch this one unless it's for something special, like going to an apartment or a plane to England (I miss my family terribly).

    Depression has been mostly absent. I mean, I'm starting to miss physical affection like cuddles and stuff, but otherwise I'm pretty fine with being single at the moment. Still going through that whole "AH WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING" state of mind that I think we all deal with, where I just pray that no one points out that I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

    Life, eh?
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011
    Today we had to euthanise one of the cats. 9 years old, and the friendliest, most gorgeous little lady there ever was. RIP, Sintti.

    Take care, Chaplains.
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011
    @britannica, I'll say one more thing and then I'll shut up.

    "He was kinda hurt that I felt like I had to cover myself up when he's always thought I'm beautiful. And I can respect that; I know I have a lot of self-esteem issues but if there's any other person's opinion on me that should matter, it'd be his."

    He doesn't really have the right to be hurt. There are nice things that people do for each other ("I hate shaving every morning, but the girlfriend likes it") because they love each other -- and then there are self-esteem issues. If you want to look better for you because it'll bring you up emotionally, he has the right to be 100% completely whole-heartedly in support and give you helpful suggestions and constructive criticism about what he likes and what you could do more often (and you have the right to ignore those suggestions at your will). I know relationships are partnerships wherein people belong to each other both in mind AND body, but if you're working to dispel lethargy and melancholy, you're going to have to be prepared to step on some toes, and he's going to have to be prepared to see things in that context and love you anyways.
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011
    @britannica - yes, what Allana is saying. He has no right to be hurt. What he's done is use a kind of emotional blackmail to exert control over how you present yourself. He just doesn't have the right, and it's really a pretty dick move.
    • CommentTimeSep 29th 2011

    (because this is basically the only place I have any frame of reference. @GovSpy, I'm so out of my depth with anything you're going through, just hang in there...)

    It's fine if he voices a preference, but guilting you is bullshit. Makeup? It's a change of pace. I prefer myself make-up free myself, as does my fella, but sometimes it's fun to throw on a little make-up.

    Also, let's be honest. Make-up, when used at its best, is not a lie. It's not covering up your blemishes, it's drawing attention to the things you like best about yourself. For most women, that's eyes/lips. I also definitely agree with Allana on the "men don't dislike make-up, they dislike obvious make-up" point. You can wear make-up in such a way that it doesn't look like you're wearing make-up. My attempt at this is just a simple swipe of mascara. That's almost all of the make-up I wear on any given day (and often I'm even too lazy for that), and there are some mascaras that don't clump and that mimic your natural eyelashes. I'm a big fan of the Almay ones because they're hypoallergenic too.

    Make-up, for me, is going, "FUCK YES. I LIKE MY EYES. I LIKE MY LIPS. LOOK AT THEM."

    Re: the boyfriend's stance: Fuck him. I understand there's a lot we don't know here about the particulars of your relationship, plus we're only looking at a single instance of it. HOWEVER. NO boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever should dictate how you choose to present yourself. Your choice. If you want to hang out with friends and wear a little eyeliner while you're at it, then that's fucking awesome.

    Make-up is not dishonest. It's just a change of pace.