Whitechapel - OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Horrible Warning Si — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 02:45:01 -0700

A novel actually-on-time threadstart, for a start. GAZE UPON MY TIMELINESS.

Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough Week.

Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

RenThing — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 09:10:40 -0700

I want my brother to stop being such a git when it comes to our family. His relationship with my parents is pretty much non-existant baring the occasional potshot he takes at them when he can. He's an otherwise good guy, straightened out after a really rough set of teenage years, and he's one of my best friends but the way he acts towards our parents makes me want to choke him (which would go poorly for me since he's Army-trained and essentially gorilla-shaped).

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 09:24:50 -0700

I feel entirely silly and childish for having started an argument in the Occupy Wall Street thread yesterday because I was offended over a word and began arguing emotionally as a result. I am sorry Whitechapel (particularly James Puckett, against whom I was originally lashing out against, and Rachael, too, because she made good points). I know Whitechaplains are better than to argue emotionally when they get butthurt.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

oldhat — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 09:41:06 -0700

Argos, it's a big issue with you, and a lot of us recognized that. No need to apologize over such a thing.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 09:56:47 -0700

Thank you. I'm glad that even with the whole argument/debate being such as it was, everyone was still being reasonable, which is why I love WC and keep coming back.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 11:15:21 -0700

Hey Whitechapel.

It's 6.45 pm in the Bush,London.

As per usual i'm having yet another heedfook day.

I did two NA meetings.One was really good. I shared that my higher power is "A eight legged snarling entity that exists somewhere beyond the multiverse.It is a fickle dark god that only comes to me when i'm deranged from suffering.It consumes my pain like a rabid dog and and comforts me as it takes stock to move onto the next lost soul"

I thought everyone would just think it's me doing my usual bizarre shareshit yet a couple of cool addicts laughed and afterwards a few good women said they understood where i was coming from.

The next meeting i did i shared that god is a fooka,that i am a pervert and a piece of filth..it felt good,man,peachy keen.

Now i'm sitting on my bed with a foul headache from the sun going nova..I got the curtains drawn,candles lit,joss sticks burning and Bab 5 on me old T.V.

I was in such torment earlier i had to take some ibupfofen and 10 mg of diazepam..i got to be careful with that shit as i don't want re-activate me benzo habit.

I got a bad gut so am drinking de-tox tea which actually seems to help a bit.

Got one of my best mates coming round who is killing himself with the booze.He really wants to stop so i'm going to give him a few meds to help.

The rest is up to him.No matter what i say it will make no difference.If i put any emotional input into him it will be only me who gets hurt.

@ government spy: How is it going? I've been thinking of you and hope you are coping.

Later dudes.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

RenThing — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 11:19:48 -0700

@Argos

The fact that you would apologize, let alone think about doing so, is the reason why *I* keep coming back to WC. Your post here is an example of how adult and respectful we can be here and I, for one, appreciate that. Thank you.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

chris g — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 12:49:27 -0700

i am also unhappy and in constant pain/discomfort like everyone else but blaaah that is besides the point; this morning my cat jumped off the kitchen counter and landed in her food bowl and made a big mess. i was already late for work so i didn't clean it up. serves her right. it's like living with a fuzzy time bomb, YA KNOW?! ARGH! Blaah, I wanna play Batman City already, ughhhhhh
god bless

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 13:35:33 -0700

@ Argos - I liked the debate. I like to debate. I didn't see is as an argument, and I liked the opportunity to be informed of how someone who is far more connected to the immigration issue sees things, even if it IS an emotional reaction. Emotions are what tend to spurn these things on. I'm sorry if I went too ranty in my response.

As for myself, the past 24 hours have been a blur of "yay!" and "fuck!" I finally got my proper Drivers License for the first time since 2000 (don't let your license expire, it's a pain in the ass). I bought myself a pair of sneakers and a new small purse, and ordered a new phone (for free!) to replace my crazy one. And then I came home to find one of my roommates had drank my two fancy beers. He proceeded to lie to me about it and make up a story about how his guest had opened mine instead of his, even though there was nothing BUT my beer in the fridge, and the other roommate was witness to the evening and confirmed that his tale was bullshit. He tried to convince me that the OTHER beer of mine was actually HIS, and when I asked to see the bottles, because I remembered purchasing it visually, both my empty bottles of beer were under the couch. Which I had to retrieve. And which he blamed on the kitten.

This is just one more in a loooooong line of small lies. I'm particularly offended that he chose to wait until I was in the bathroom and then tell me how he'd drank my beer "by accident", so that he needn't worry about looking me in the face while lying to me.

I can't fucking live with someone who keeps lying to me right to my face, or behind a door. It's a completely disrespectful. And it happens all the time. But I have nowhere to go.

So now, I'm... up in the air. Wishing I could have afforded to take one of those other places, wondering if I'll move somewhere far away come winter, wondering how bad an idea it would be to rent my friend's car from him while he's got a license suspension for three months from a DUI, and feeling frustrated that I'm trapped staying in the area so that I can take my classes that I'm being told I probably will have to withdraw from.

Also, the beach house owned by my family which I used to live in, and which I asked to use this weekend... isn't going to happen. I asked in JUNE to pay and rent the house, but I'm being jerked around. I'd thought that asking over four months in advance to rent the house would earn me the respect that they give strangers, but I was wrong. I was trying one last time and my family has proven that I don't get treated like anyone else.

I might have gone through with visiting the shore anyway, since the music festival with Portishead, Reggie Watts, Mogwai, etc is going on this weekend which was the incentive, but my old best friend who I hoped would join me is busy. I might run into some friends there, possibly, but I don't want to be staying there if my stepmother is doing maintenence all weekend... and I'd be alone for the most part, and I'm really tired of being alone.

The solitude of my life is wearing on me. I'm so tired of my life. Things keep changing, and seemingly progress, but nothing gets better. This probably sounds like a stupid thing to complain about, but... nearly ever person I reach to in hopes of friendship ends up hitting on me. I don't want anyone to touch me unless they want to keep me. I want... people to trust. I want people to enjoy my company without feeling like it's just an attempt to get in my pants.

One of my few old good friends asked me yesterday if I'd come up and visit her and "help them set up" a website. Which means, she wants me to make her a website for free, while they hover over my shoulder and dictate what they want, but she's trying to do it slyly. Just another depressing reality. Instead of just asking upfront, I'm being played. Used. And this is the friend my broke-ass self gave $800 to when she got married over the summer.

I'm in that state of confusion that keeps me from leaving the apartment, stuck in thought, like a rat in a cage, caught vacillating between tear filled eyes and hands shaking in furious anger. At everything. The stress of my life is making sick, and I don't know how to make it lessen. I'd like to move away to the country, and I am in the unique position of not having anybody, which could allow me the freedom to start over somewhere.

That is, if it weren't for my health issues. If it weren't for the fact that I need to get my brain/spine fixed. I'm always thinking about what i'm going to do when I get my surgery, where I'll live, who will possibly take care of me when I'm bed ridden for weeks or months, how I'll eat, who would bother to visit me.

And I'm so painfully lonely already, I don't know if I could go somewhere new.

I really do wish I could erase myself from the history of existence at the moment.

I really do wish I had anyone I could really trust.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 13:47:56 -0700

You weren't too ranty. It really was a case of my emotions getting the best of me and feeling I couldn't defend why I found the term offensive. But I mean, that's how strongly I feel about it, I get so emotional I just have to completely step out of the debate to clear my head.

Sorry to hear everything you're going through. That feeling of loneliness always sucks, wondering who will be there to take care of you, who you can trust. I hope you can find that sooner rather than later. ((hugs))

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

government spy — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:26:14 -0700

@flecky thanks for thinking about us.

Just got off the phone with my old lady. She's off meds, headed out of detox into a regular room tomorrow. I have to go to a group session/orientation tomorrow, she wont be there, but I get to see her on Sunday.

Yeah, I'm quitting drinking, but not doing it overnight. Haven't had a drink myself all day, kinda rationing myself off.

The local convenience store orders my cider special; I'm the only one who drinks it. So I promised to buy what they have left, and when that runs out, so do I. They did me a favor by ordering something special for me, I'd hate to leave them stuck with something nobody else wants. I think that'll work out ok.

She seems to be doing alright, she realized she'll be inside during my birthday. She's sad she can't get me a present. I told her that her taking care of herself is all I ever really wanted.

Blood tests came back, she has no liver damage, and within reason, is fairly healthy. Doctors are impressed with how well she's doing.

I'm only telling a couple people what's going on, and the few people she already told have talked to me. Friends of hers I've never met, but we know of each other, we're talking for the first time. We're find out out how many people are really worried about her, we've all seen different pieces of the pie, what she's kept hidden, and now we're all going to make sure we stay in contact and form a really good support network. For her as well as each other.

Tomorrow, I'm going to find out a lot of my new responsibilities. What I can expect, for good or ill. Looking forward to it, and yet not.

I do feel confident (not recklessly) that we can pull through this. I know the person I am in love with, she is there. I don't have to dig to find her. She's fighting to be free of this.

Thanks again, for listening. Right now, I feel like I'm taking and not giving back, or what I have to give I'm saving for her, but I feel like I'm not making a good listener on this board. Hope that's ok.

ETA: Oh, and whilst trimming my goatee down last night, to begin growing my beard back out, I accidentally shaved my entire head bald. So I have one days worth of head/beard stubble.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:39:14 -0700

@ Rachael Tyrell: Damn. You sound like your really going through it. Sounds like the person who nicked your beer is...i don't know...i'm tempted to say a bit of a cunt.
The northerner in me feels like surfing the net and giving him a seeing to.
I really don't know what to say.I got major health issues(which i guess everyone knows by now)...i know the fear of surgery...it can really make you feel isolated especially when you see other people not appreciating that they've got their health.
you got me on this.Some days my legs barely carry me enough to get some food in.And the evil thing is i feel like i'm just full of self pity so i try to snap out of it and then realise that i got this damage for life and then the bloody despair sets in.
And the existential lonliness...now thats a bastard. I found when i tried to fill the hole in my life with people it just made it worse.
This is just my opinion.I'm a cynical loner and just trying to accept who i am.
The crazy thing is when you want to make friends and try hard at it it doesn't seem to work and then when you give up and just be youself next thing you know you got people wanting to know you.
You sound like a cool survivor..and you got a life..
Don't mean to sound crass but i wish someone..well,not just anyone..was trying to get in my pants.
Bugger!!
Big hug from me too..

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

tedcroland — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:42:02 -0700

Rachael: Drop me a line at tedcroland (at) gmail.com. Not to be too cryptic or anything, but I think we should talk a moment.

Hope brainspill made you feel a bit better.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 15:43:14 -0700

@Gov't Spy, don't even worry about it. That's what the thread is here for, to spill everything you need to spill. I know I sometimes feel that same way were I'm taking and not giving back to the thread.

Glad to hear your lady is healthy and has no liver damage, and that you're feeling optimistic about pulling through this. Sometimes that's what gets you through it all. Best wishes.

@Flecky, it's always that way isn't it? When you reach out no one reaches back, and moment you stop everyone wants you. Funny that.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 16:07:11 -0700

@ government spy: good on you.So happy your lady is on track...remember..ease down slow on that cider..drop a bit each day ..set a date if you can and set your heels in.And a support network is crucial..get it wherever you can..have you considered doing some AA meets? Yeah...i know...but i'm finding NA is helping me...even if i want to kill everyone in it a lot of the time...yet amongst the drudge of it all i've meet the odd diamond.

He He..bit of a sad confession..it was watching Breaking Bad and the thought that i would meet some super cool chick that got me there in the beginning..cringe..o and the fact i'm a addict with a disease..ahh! The plague..i'm infected! Zombie attack!!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 16:31:32 -0700

@ flecky - Thanks. Much like you, I seem to always be going through it. The beer thing in itself isn't such an issue, but I so rarely ever drink, and it's more an issue of respect and truth than it is of someone nicking my beer, k'now?

the evil thing is i feel like i'm just full of self pity so i try to snap out of it and then realise that i got this damage for life and then the bloody despair sets in

yeeeeaaaaah. There's always that. I've got this small pile of money from retroactive Disability payments, and I feel like I need to do something REALLY worthwhile with it, but... what? My health sucks and I don't have anyone to adventure with. I want to travel, but my Lyme Disease keeps coming back, and I need to find a doctor who will take me, because at this point I probably will need a month-long IV of antibiotics. My joints hurt. It's hard to climb subway stairs, and eating a fistful of almonds or something makes my jaw ache. The constant pain is... It's killing me because now, if I mention something to family, they say "yeah, once I turned 30 it was all downhill." But I've been like this since I was 12. The realization that since I'm now 34, I'm never ever going to know what it's like to feel young and healthy is... really daunting. I missed my chance. Completely. Just pain and further degredation of my nerves, vision, brain, and ability to take care of myself. What do I do? Should I be taking classes while my brain is malleable, or should I blow myself out with travel, and break myself doing it while I still have the physical ability.

Don't mean to sound crass but i wish someone..well,not just anyone..was trying to get in my pants.

Thank you for making me laugh.

I think the notion of being frustrated at getting hit on, and getting told again and again that I look ten years my junior driving me utterly mad is in direct proportion to the seething resentment at having one (or twelve) of those "but you don't look sick" illnesses. Friends, when I try to discuss my fears at running out of time and ability and feeling terribly behind schedule, try to cheer me up by telling me that I look great for my age, that I'll still be "rockin it" when I'm 60. But my vision is slowly fading, everything constantly hurts, and I feel worse and weaker every year.

I already can't have enjoyable sex without being on significant amounts of opiods, but I don't really want anyone to touch me since I shave my face everyday and have man stubble. I really don't give a fuck if I look good for my age.

(sorry. I'm a bit extra-doomy this week,)

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

icelandbob — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 18:32:52 -0700

Evening there.....

First things first...

@Government Spy - I get what you're going through. the issue of a partner/family member trying to give up alcohol i've seen several time. It's not pretty but it's great you joining in with her.

@lovelyrachæl - if he stole my fancy beers i would have made him eat the glass. End of. don't be tired of life always remember that there are people thousands of miles away who care and respect you. Almost make me wish i could move to NY/ New Jersey so you'd have somewhere to live...

Now... Apologies for not putting any decent face time on the forum this week. For the reason is (like everyone else), i have been very busy. It's been an intense week for sure in this house. most of it has been a good instense feeling but right now my psyche is feeling piano wire tight.

Most of this is due to putting myself under loads of lovely extra pressure by agreeing to half-write my papers up-and-coming piece for this years Iceland Airwaves music festival. Take today - I did 2 interviews with the bands Iceage and The Twilight Sad. Not a problem you think. and it isn't, if it weren't for the fact that i had to lie to my bosses at my regular job so i could go to the newpapers offices to do the interviews. And i have one more tomorrow. I currently have 6 interviews to type up.... by Monday.

Oh and there's a nagging undercurrent in the house. There is NOW a real possibility that we may no longer be able to have kids the normal way.

People who know me may know that we have been trying for a spawn of our loins for a while now. However we've had major problems as Sigga had one ovary
ies removed last year due to a Dermoid cyst.

But then several weeks ago they found that she had ANOTHER cyst on her remaining ovary. It was removed last week successfully, but at the cost to 25% of her remaining ovary. Sigga is going to see the fertility doctor in a couple of weeks, but she is convinced it's bad news as the doctor sounded really negative about her test over the phone, all while not confirming anything.

So Sigga is on a major downer. I´m stressed and possibly on the verge of destroying something beautiful in life. Normally these feelings and emotions are temporary, but i am really dreading that doctors visit in a couple of weeks time...

Apart from that, everything has been great!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

oldhat — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 20:23:42 -0700

@rae, I...can relate to the lonliness. And although it may not help, I hope you have the knowledge that there are people who care about you a hell of a lot. And DAMN IT, next time I'm in the area we're spending a good amount of time together. You still owe me that breakfast, remember. :) Also I, Claudius. I think we need to watch it.

@icelandbob I really hope the news is good.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

trini_naenae — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 21:11:15 -0700

@Rachael: Is is me, or are your friends being assholes? I'm so sorry you're having to put up with that crap. Also, being hit on by your guyfriends? Not cool. I'd be ranty too. Much more ranty. And I think I'd rather look old than feel shitty all the time. Guh. I stand in amazement at your willpower to keep going. You are one kickass chica, regardless of what you feel like.

@Taphead: Sorry to hear about your dear cat.

@Icelandbob: Major bummer. I hope the visit with the doctor goes much better than you're expecting it to.

@Argos: I can understand getting emotional in those kinds of arguments. There's certain discussions I simply won't have unless I'm sure the person I'm talking to will be understanding, simply because I know I'm going to get emotional and I'm tired of getting burned as a result. It's not just a group of people that you're talking about, it's friends who are being affected by this. In a lot of ways, it's personal.

@flecky: I've never had any desire to try any drugs, but you sure make it even less appealing. Best of luck with it all.

@govspy: Glad to hear things are going well so far. I'm hoping it keeps going well.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Purple Wyrm — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 02:38:29 -0700

You know, I come into this thread each week ready to post about things that are pissing me off, and realise that I really have nothing to complain about.

All of you, remember that Whitechapel is full of people who are on your side.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

kahavi — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 03:38:08 -0700

@rachael: Fucking hell. You deserve better from your family and your friends. Seriously.

@government spy: Good for you and your lady that things are progressing towards better. I know it's still the early days, but I'm wishing you guys both endurance and patience. Getting sober is not fast nor easy, but I think you know that better than I do. Just... I wish the best for you guys.

@taphead: I am sorry to hear about your cat. :(

My October is a financial disaster. The bank screwed up my account changes and now I have 45 euros for the next three weeks. I guess I'll start moonlighting as a bartender again. It's either that or not fixing my bike, not getting the cats vaccinated, not buying food and not paying my bills. Of course, I can hope that they fix the cock up in less time than three weeks, but I'm not holding my breath.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

JP Carpenter — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 04:43:49 -0700

Hello Whitechapel...

@Argos - I've just read that thread and I don't think there's anything to apologise for. The whole discussion is thoughtful and respectful even if there is disagreement, and as other people have said, that's why this community works so well.

@Rae - bloody flatmates... I don't miss having to live with other, non-family people, not at all. Hope you can sort something out soon.

@kahavi - that sucks, hope you get it sorted.

@Bob - really sorry to hear that, understand how painful that must be for you and Sigga. Although we've been so lucky with our girls , we've been trying for over a year and encountered problems and it's hard and I know how much strain it can put a relationship under. Sending good vibes to you both for the doctor. Cool about the rest of the stuff though...

@Gov spy - glad you're making progress. Understand how it must be difficult to stop yourself to support your partner. One of the things that terrified me about admitting a problem with drink, when I did have a pretty bad one, was the thought of never being able to drink again. I don't think I could do that. I once picked up the phone to AA, at a time when I was really struggling and couldn't dial it because the thought of stopping was more terrifying than the thought of carrying on. A couple of years later and I was diagnosed with a depressive disorder and it kind of became clear that alcohol use was a symptom of that rather than the other way round and I slowly began to have a more sensible relationship with booze to the point where I can go for a long time without drinking and haven't been properly drunk in some time.

@flecky - I've always avoided opiates like the plague because I'd always been petrified I'd like them too much. Your updates about methadone are kind of making me think I made the right call...

I'm kind of bumping along the bottom. Partner is still in a total mess following her miscarriage - good days and bad, but too many bad at the moment. I'm trying, but I find it quite hard to stay patient and compassionate with her, as much as I want to be - some of the things she says upset me and I get angered sometimes that in her grief she seems to belittle what we do have in life, that it's not enough. I find it so hard to understand and accept how her desire for another child can take over her life to such a degree that it eclipses all else and becomes her whole focus. The tensions that we had over trying for another one in the first place surface and they're even more difficult to resolve right now. Every so often I'll have a burst of frustration and say something insensitive that really upsets her and sets us back further, and then I'll feel sick and guilty and ashamed for having failed to support her properly.

Will just have to keep doing my best.

In other news, am off work for the next week. This time, I'm really hopeful that I can relax properly (or as best as I can given the circumstances) without worrying about work too much. Last week in the office was totally mental, but have left with a manageable inbox. Which takes some weight off my mind. Am planning to try and sort a few domestic things out - have to go and see the doctor, and have to get the car serviced and MOT'd. And am just downloading the update to Reason 6, so want to spend some time learning that and making music. I have to build an animal hutch as the girls are getting guinea pigs. I'm not sure of the wisdom of this, given the fox population but have no choice.

And in filthy news, I'd left a bucket of piss in the shed next door to my study and forgotten about it (it's so far away from the house that's a pragmatic move). I've just found a drowned, bloated mouse floating in it.

I feel rather sick.

Peace to you all.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

dorkmuffin — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 07:19:07 -0700

@Rachael, have you checked out some of the online support groups for people with invisible illnesses? There's a whole host of people who refer to themselves as "Spoonies" based on this piece, written by a woman with lupus. There are a bunch of message boards, etc. devoted to this particular issue, and on the whole the invisible illness community is really supportive.

Might be worth a shot?

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 12:09:08 -0700

@dorkmuffin - yeah, I regularly go to the butyoudontlooksick site and read the articles. They make me feel much better. I enjoy the comraderie, and it's nice to be reminded that I'm not just crazy, and that i shouldn't feel guilty for crapping out (like sitting all the way in the back of the hour long busride back to NYC after class, so that I can lay flat and rest my head so the brain swelling headache doesn't hurt so much). I suppose it might be good to find IRL interaction with people of that community, though. People who'd understand why I just can't make definite plans, and why I can't just do something last minute either. Bleh.

@J0nCarpent3r - It's a rough position for you to be in, and a bit unfair for you. The child in question was both of yours, the family effected is the one shared by you both, so it's unfortunate that you are in a position that seems solely of the caretaker, instead of you guys helping each other through this. Of course, the problem is largely physical and chemical on your wife's part, so every emotion and loss that you are feeling is magnified in her brain by the hormones and the biological process gone terribly wrong. And all that would be further magnified by her biological clock demanding that she get in one last kid while she can. Biology often has such a cruel effect on our emotional states, no matter what our logic circuits try to tell it. Christ, I got my tubes tied a year ago, and i still get weird wistful urges. My point here is, this sucks for you, and you are not wrong for feeling perhaps put upon or frustrated. Your wife may not be physically capable of "moving forward" at the moment, which is nice, i guess, so that you needn't take it personally, but at the same time, doubly frustrating to deal with, I'd imagine.

@ flecky & j0n - Methadone. So, last year I went to my pain management doctor, as I do. I had been on vicodin for a few years, but the Lyme Disease added to it all, and I was given morphine without hesitation. I asked my doctor, out of curiousity, about medical marijuana. He said it was just for people who wanted to get high. When I went back the next time, I asked about Marinol (the FDA approved marijuana pill). I mean, it's weed with the high taken out of it, supposedly. So, it seemed a happy medium. My doctor told me that he'd not prescribe it because when they drug test me (which they do, since I'm on narcotics) they'd not be able to tell if I were smoking marijuana all month because the THC would be in my system. He went on to say that there were things that would be much more effective for me regarding my spine and nerve pain, like METHADONE.

Yes, my pain management doctor thought it would be wrong to give me weed, but will hand over morphine and methadone like it ain't no thang. Mother fucker.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

JP Carpenter — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 13:57:19 -0700

aargh, typed a long reply to that and the internet eated it.

@ Rae, yes it does suck and it's not a nice position to be in. You're right, the biological and hormonal factors are a huge influence here, and clearly I don't have those to contend with, which makes it harder to understand what she's going through. We tend to approach situations like this from the opposite perspective as well, I'll try and stay positive for as long as I can (like when the house flooded and I kept trying to insist that it wasn't that bad, while she insisted the world had ended, and eventually we met in the middle) while for her it's apocalyptic from the get go. That's not saying there was anything to be positive about at all in this, but I've tried to come from the position of 'we will get over this' where as hers is 'no we won't'. I know it's not personal, and that she's nowhere near in a position to move forward right now - I get frustrated because I just want the misery and despair to end and for her to be happy again then I get angry at myself for being impatient. We will get there, I think we're very strong as a couple, and we've got through a lot together, it will just take time and patience.

#medicine - there's just so much crazy stupid in doling out morphine but not marijuana, but it doesn't surprise me. I think someone mentioned opium in another OM thread, but I keep thinking about the insanity of trying to eradicate the Afghan poppy harvest, with all the death and destruction that entails, while at the same time growing opium in Hampshire UK - there was a beautiful field of white poppies not a mile from where I used to live. We are truly fucked up as a species.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

badbear — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 14:46:03 -0700

@Rachael
My heart goes out to you because in so many ways I've been in your situation myself... I spent about seven years or more in house shares and it is so hard sometimes even with people you do get on with. Compulsive liars are a whole other thing. I really hope you find a way to get out of there. The last thing you need if you're ill is the stress that comes with dealing with utter fuckwits. I've been there too.

I got married a few months ago and my grandmother couldn't come to the wedding because she's 91 and pretty frail. We had planned a bit of a family gathering but had to keep putting it off and putting it off and it was finally supposed to be today. Yesterday afternoon she had a massive brain bleed. My cousin found her on the floor of her flat, cold and pale and in a pool of blood and they rushed her to the hospital and she's alive but she's not able to speak and we're not really sure how things are going to go for the next 48 hours.

I feel unendingly guilty for not spending more time with her but there's fuck all I can do about that now.

So I'm trying to keep a check on my thoughts. Stop negative thought patterns. Give myself a break. Stay strong. I don't like talking about this stuff with real people, I'm becoming so very introverted as I get older, so very private. And that's okay but it makes it difficult when I go to see her and she's all tiny and bony and I just want to look at her and hold her hand and not really do anything but I'm surrounded by my aunt and uncle and all their kids and all their partners and they're all looking at me and expecting.... something. I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to act or what I'm supposed to say. I just feel sick and I don't want to cry because then I'll get in a crying loop where I can't really stop and it's such a fucking useless thing to do. Crying. It's not really constructive.

And I've had such a fucking awful day on top of that. I couldn't sleep so when I woke up early I just got my shit together and left the house to visit the hospital - a good hour's worth of travel to get across London and then another hour and a half to get up to where my family lives. The trains are utterly fucked because it's the weekend but I make the trip anyway, make it to Kings Cross and stand in a queue for twenty minutes and it's not until I'm supposed to be buying my ticket that I realise I don't have my wallet. I shit myself thinking I've been pickpocketed until I manage to get my husband on the phone and he tells me that it's sitting happily on the kitchen table the repulsive little cunt that it is. It takes me over an hour to get home again because by then the trains are even more fucked than they were before. Essentially I've spent five hours on airless public transport in an unseasonal heatwave with heavy bags and in a volatile emotional state.

Times like this I wish I hadn't quit smoking.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

trini_naenae — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 15:36:49 -0700

My sister is currently having a bonfire on the beach with co-workers but I'm staying inside. I've had more than enough bonfires this year and it's too windy and cold anyway. There is an ad for an apartment to rent that I was hoping to check out, but the owners haven't returned any calls. Not too happy about that. Went to dentist, which was expensive, and well, as a result of a couple things, my mom and I are wondering how honest he is. Gonna have to get a second opinion. Bummer. Though, I did give a cute pharmacist my number. I doubt he'll call me, but it was fun to do anyway. Feel flirty and sexy and all that.

For some reason, I'm a magnet for single fathers on okcupid. They seem very lovely, except that, well, I'm still trying to get to the point of living on my own. Among other things. My mom has been trying to go through the various boxes of stuff in the house, and old drawings of mine and whatnot. It's interesting to see the stuff I drew as a kid and see how it compares to my memories. Been thinking of putting some on tumblr, but I suspect I won't get around to all the scanning and everything.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

brittanica — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 15:38:56 -0700

@badbear- I'm feeling echoes of the guilt I had when my grandmother passed away, reading your post. I never got a chance to say goodbye, so if you want to see her, see her and deal in your own way. I don't think it shouldn't matter what your family expects of you.

@rachael, flecky, jon, bob, every single one you on here struggling- I think it's redundant to say that we're all in this together. Much love to you all.

Getting upset due to make-up seems like a luxury now. We have 4 dollars til Thursday, and still have at least 3 past-due bills. I'm going to have to cave in and ask my parents for help. I know they'll have no problem helping if they're able, I just ALWAYS feel guilty. My brother was somewhat of a dead-beat for a long time. He dropped out of school, moved out early, and eventually we never saw him unless he needed money that he may or may not have spent on beer. He got married and had kids and has straightened up for the most part. But there's still that lingering feeling of my parents expecting more out of me. They know I'm trying, though. And that I don't drink. So there's that.
Other than money, I'm just treading water. And that's about all can hope for, for the moment.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 22:10:04 -0700

Hello there Whitechapel. I was reading everyone's posts and yet once again my laptop decided to go all HAL on me and tried to fuck me over...it wanted to kick my ass into the cold vacuum so my eyeballs would pop out and give me another headache . Please don't be too harsh on me with my atrocious grammer..it really can mess with my head and tell me to stop doing any creative writing..

Thing i love about this site is that,bottom line,we all (hopefully) came here because we love Warren's work.His comic work has hit me in a way like no other writer.

Seems like any title he has been working on has been magically kicked up the arse.

His run on Thunderbolts was fucking awesome..i've read a little by Gage which didn't hit the spot..(sorry)

What i'm trying to say is because of this common interest we are all equals.

Anyhoo i thought i'd share my shit.

It' nearly 6 a.m in the Bush, London. i think i got a little kip round about 1 a.m..I woke up around 2 slightly withdrawing from the opiates.

I've just reduced my meds (Suboxone) from 4 mg to 3..thats a 25% drop so i expect to feel the burn later today.To be honest i actually feel up for the challenge..sometimes being a psycho pervert space cadet has its advantages.

God dammit..i'm a irish-viking mean old bastard so game on ya fooka!!

@oldhat: so glad you mentioned I,Claudius.I was just chating to a mate about it on me shit mobile phone(poor thing)..I remember watching it when i was about 13..14 and it really impressed me.John Hurt playing Caligula..wow..i really want to see it again.Some dark shit in it..good shit!

Fooksake..out of space. i hope everone is good.love you lot..

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

ScottBieser — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 22:34:43 -0700

One of the great things about America that hasn't quite been destroyed yet is that you can re-invent yourself when your career goes into the crapper. But the drawback is that starting a new career at age 47 is not as easy as it was at age 27. I don't have the energy I used to. I really do need that 8 hours of sleep every night, dammit, no matter that I'm behind schedule and desperately need to catch up. In fact, I don't really have time to be skulking around here either, so

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

nelzbub — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 09:15:44 -0700

@ all- sympathies for your troubles here's hoping for some lights at the end of your respective tunnels, and that they're not the lights of an oncoming train.

@ Rachael- sorry to read of your woes, but especially regarding your doctor's attitude to the medical marijuana. I take it that yours is not one of the fourteen states where medical marijuana is available? If it is then I guess I would recommend a second opinion.
I don't know if you know of the people at treatingyourself.com ? I regularly read their magazine and it is full of fascinating case studies and stories of lives turned around and, in some cases, saved by use of medical marijuana- as well as useful recipes for extracts and oils etc.
Perhaps their web forum would be a useful source of information and support in this matter. I've met a few of the people behind it when they have come to Amsterdam for the cannabis cup and they seem to be genuinely decent people who are at the forefront of medical activism on your side of the water.
I truly believe that opiates should always be the absolute last resort of pain management schedules and yet it seems that in many places they are the first tool out of the doctors bags. The dominance of the pharmaceutical giants really has much to answer for the misery they have caused worldwide. Just another player in the drug war.
The medical marijuana movement in the states is growing rapidly and I am cautiously optimistic that when a sufficient number of states have MM legislation in place we will see a tipping point where the rest will follow suit. I think that it will be the tax money, more than the overwhelming medical evidence, that finally brings this about; which I find a little odd but really shouldn't be that surprising considering the vast sums of money involved.
Change on this side of the water is all going in the wrong direction as far as I'm concerned which I won't go into too much for fear of being unable to get off my high horse, however I have heard some very interesting ideas regarding Cannabis Social Clubs from ENCOD-The European Coalition for Just and Effective Drug Policies, well worth looking into if these issues are of interest.
Enough for now. Good luck to all.
nice things for nice people.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 12:01:49 -0700

Whiteehapel. AAAAAhhhg+?>:P+}PO{JBKJI{{@@

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 12:24:38 -0700

@ nelzbub - Thank you!

Um. I'd write more, but ....

So, I''ve been getting low grade fevers and headaches again, the joint pain creeping back... and then I busted my ass when I shoudln't have and seem to have kicked it all up to high gear. It had been hovering around the "might have to pause to get up stairs" and "smiling or laughing or being to facially expressive hurts the back of my head" phases for the past week or two, but I'm suddenly back to the "cant-sit-upright-for-more-than-15-minutes-without-agonizing-pain" and "randomly breaking into sobs" state of Lyme Disease infection.

This does not bode well for my trying to talk my school into letting me catch up in all my classes for which i still haven't recieved my books.

It's a beautiful autumn day. The kind of day I've been waiting for all summer. I was supposed to be down the shore enjoying a music festival, but instead I'm whimpering and crying, angry at the fact that I was already sick with brain and spine issues when my family booted me from where I was living and sent me to live with an Aunt where I got infected within 2 months, and then spent the next year and a half in pain and mostly bedridden, and getting nothing but criticism for not getting my life together.

So, I guess I'll go and spend the afternoon in an ER somewhere and hope they give me an IV of antibiotics.

EDITED TO ADD: It's certainly not helping for me to be reading exactly how neurologically fucked Lyme Disease makes me on top of how neurologically fucked I already was, nor does it help to read how crazy Lyme Disease makes me on top of how crazy I already was. I do hope that they give me antibiotics and don't just send me to a mental hospital. I can't seem to stop crying or shivering.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

nelzbub — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 12:49:25 -0700

Well..... shit.... good luck with that.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

government spy — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 15:43:33 -0700

So I got to visit my girl in rehab today for several hours.

We talked about a lot of things and it was really good, she is doing well. Then I did something stupid.

I asked her if she ever cheated on me. She was talking about her ex-husband, and how her drinking contributed to their divorce, 4 years ago, and how in the end she had cheated on him and that kind of ended things. So I asked her.

Twice. Once, over a year ago with a co-worker of hers, a guy I also used to work with and hang out with. And once with an old friend of hers from back home, several months ago when she visited family back east. Both are people I have spoken to since they had slept together, with me being clueless.

I am not possessive, or the jealous type. Once, I had, In an argument, accused her of sleeping around, it was in very bad taste, and I had no evidence that she was, I was just being a dick. Of course she was offended, even though I had no idea I was right.

But now I'm left with this dilemma: she can't go through rehab alone. I am hurt and angry, and unsure if I want to stay in this relationship. I never should have asked this question. I'm her home. If I leave her while she is in rehab, she will exit this program homeless, and possibly without a job. I care more about her safety and sobriety than I care about our relationship. I still care about her, but I do have some self-preservation left within me. I don't know how much heartbreak I can take.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 16:00:41 -0700

@ Government Spy :

Good gawd, man. You are in a terrible position. Is it at all possible for you to attribute her cheating as part of the reckless behavior that comes with alcoholism? I'm not assuming it's possible, or true, or easy, but it might true, or be less terrible than any of the alternatives. I mean, she IS at least being honest about it, but I don't think there's worse pain than being cheated on.

You are an amazing human being to still stand by her, my friend.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

lgenius — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 16:04:50 -0700

@goverment spy that is the worst of situations. Do what is best for your sanity. Addiction is bad enough when it destroys one life don't let it take two.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Comicbookbunny — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 17:32:55 -0700

(did post a bit of a question over on the other thread.... i'm just super pissed off right now. )

i'm getting annoyed and disillusioned doing the make-up job. I've gotten stiffed twice in two days... for some reason people feel they don't need to fucking pay me. I'm tired of the "professional" photographers that know nothing about lighting and barely anything about their camera arguing with me about make-up, pissed as hell getting stiffed twice, both times also bringing the bonus of free wardrobe The first day was five models (hair and make-up) was supposed to be paid 260 and got paid 75 (my rate for one model......) the next day I got stiffed twenty bucks and I even provided free wardrobe AND drove the model and photographer around! AND on top of all this dealing with the drama and back stabbing the grabby photographers ect. This is MY FUCKING JOB. I have a prior obligation to work with the NY photographer and if the advertiser photographer contacts me- I will work for them but as far as that I am really thinking about quiting.
Honestly I likely need to be more picky... I'm professional and know what I'm doing- I think sticking with those who actually know what they are doing will work out better. Real professionals. The other guys can have the "make-up artists" that work for TFP and need to build their portfolio and know dick all about highlighting and contouring.....
Or i could just fuck it i'm done with the drama and such and just focus all on hats which is turning out to be much more satisfying and lucrative.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Fishelle — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 19:02:16 -0700

@Gov Spy
Fuck. That's just the worst, on top of everything else. I'm just going to second what Rachael said, because I don't know if there's anything I can add other than my sympathies. I'm so sorry.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

dorkmuffin — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 21:07:32 -0700

@Gov Spy, again with the "... Fuck." type comments. I'm not sure what I can add to the situation other than internet support, but I have that in metric tons. Sending the best of all possible vibes your way, man.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

JP Carpenter — Sun, 02 Oct 2011 23:58:39 -0700

@Govspy - that's harsh, really harsh. I'd echo what Rachael said, if there's any way you could come to see it as symptomatic of the alcoholism, but that can't be easy. I hope you can get through it making the decisions that are right for her and for you.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 00:14:00 -0700

@world: i'm so full of human error shit it's fucking pathetic.
yesterday was a fucking nightmare of biblical proportions.I did a NA..satan..save me..meet all "Yeah, i'm working step two..yeah,i'm in touch with my feelings bullshit".
This freaky heatwave Soylent Green Charlton Heston put his vest on melted my skull matter.
All posters of Final FANTASY level up STATS bang in me face at Shite tourist infected Earls Court used to be better when it was full of rentboys and crack ho's giving head in piss stinking basements while i was being all quiet with another loopy cunt smoking heavy gigling in a bathroom as some sad twat spurted his desperation into a balloon batter bag.Vanilla stench semen mixed with guilt dribbling from his pathetic steaming stump as he cried his way out the door and the ho opens the door with £ in hand happily saying "Result!"

Fuck this sanitised city till its piss flaps hang like rotten cod stink fish wife from up north when the world was in black and white and all that was important was if you had a gob stoppa or some chipmunk crisps to ingest whilst fingering the village slappa.
Some wanka has just rang me from NA..WHERE the fook is NA? Narnia? Nagamba? Nabastapataki?

As we used to so delicately put it up when one lived in Swamp Thing/ Hellblazer 1987 land "Get ter fook!!"

I was really junk sick through the night..snot pouring out nose..sneezing..yawning like a spastard..body on fire..walking round gaff like a generic t.v shite movie junky..Lord of The Flies..Talking pig on a stick!

Feel a wee bit better now..meds have just about held me.
Oh..I forgot the bloody alienation/isolation factor mixed with lust that seeing all the fit birds induced into my nethers..
Sad old lonely wanker!!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

government spy — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 01:25:21 -0700

@everyone

again, can't repeat how much I appreciate all of you. All of my friends are her friends. So far I've spoken to my best friend, who is also her friend, and all he basically could say was "that's tough man, I don't know what to say that would be helpful. Call me if you need anything" which is a bit of a cop out, but yet I respect it because it's honest.

I don't drive, so I spent almost two hours on a bus to get to rehab to see her today. A half hour visit, followed by an hour and a half of some guy describing the "road to rehab" and then another 2 hour visit. The last half hour of which was basically me crying and her trying to not make things worse.

Then, I spent another 3 hours + on buses trying to get home because I'm too cheap for a 1/2 hr $40 dollar cab ride.

I followed that up by a so far 6 hour 30 Rock marathon, interupted only by a couple of (small?) steaks, 4 slices of pizza, and half a bottle of my emergency Jameson's whisky, and 1 hour of Breaking Bad. I stopped drinking after I belched for a full minute and a half that felt like I vomited air, but nothing solid actually came out. I actually haven't a drink in several hours and decided to sit and think about things instead of escape.

Then I wrote a letter to her.

Nobody in my personal or professional life has my Flickr, so I decided to put it up there for the time being. I plan on taking it with me the next time I see her and reading it to her. It also gives me time to reflect on it for the next couple of days so that I can argue with myself until I decide that it is exactly what I want to say.

Someone once said that the right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

(Edit to add, yes, I paraphrased Jack Shephard from Lost, Zed from Terry Goodkind's novels, and directly quoted Tom Waits on purpose, and I turn 32 this coming Saturday. Happy Birthday to me)

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 02:15:27 -0700

Holy fuck.

Alright, maybe it's just the emotionally erratic encephalitis talking, but... that letter got me all warm on the inside and damp faced on the outside.

Beautiful. You lovely human, you.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

nelzbub — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 08:15:46 -0700

Now I know there's no crying in Whitechapel so I'll just look the other way while I get this thing out of my eye. vile virtual hugs.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

kahavi — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 08:58:31 -0700

@government spy: You, sir, are a rare gem. I hope you know that.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

oldhat — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 08:59:12 -0700

@GovSpy Wow...just. Wow. What a letter. What an amazing thing for you to do.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

JP Carpenter — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 09:24:31 -0700

@govspy - That's a really beautiful letter. There's something about expressing feelings like that in writing that somehow feels more concrete and sincere than spoken words - my partner has written to me many times when she can't express something verbally and I treasure them all. Good luck to you.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 09:43:13 -0700

@GovSpy: yo! Not read your letter yet. Mate, the flecky has respect for you! And that shit don't come lightly..

You and us..the Freakangels DetoxaZ..our stuff is the shit of legends!

We kick our shit on the net! We don't give a flying fuck!

We qualify for Grendels Bastards!

Next time you blast out a bit of brill rock shit and get emotional we shall do a telepathic mind link and connect our psychoplasm on satellite 7 ALPHA.

Agents of control will quiver as the hounds of fury let rip and anarchy shall abound in a glorious flash of purple static time spasm delerium!!!

Keep up the astoundin' work and try doing as i suggested..work on the volume of consumption.

Can you get any meds for potential fitting?

Fuck,man, your a goddamn stormtrooper!!!!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 15:16:50 -0700

@GovSpy:read your letter.I can only echo what everyone has said.All i'm worried about is that you said the rehab is only 30 days..sorry if i'm wrong.Only my opinion yet it seems not long.The problem with lot's of rehabs in this country (uk) is they just leave people to their own devices after rehab and once the safe environment is gone then the trouble starts..i'm going to start a day programme when i finally finish my detox..probably in 2030 knowing my shit. Only joking..mad flecky has plans of a most devious nature!

Hopefully in rehab they will draw up a care plan for her..a support system..help from anywhere no matter how silly or trivial.Alcoholics Anon have online meetings..i checked out the NA website last night and entered the chatroom.I was the only nutta there! Typical..so i shared into the void.Bastards.

Mate..i only feel for you and wish you both the best.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 15:30:18 -0700

@Gov spy, as previously said, you are truly amazing. I haven't met many people with kind of dedication. Best of wishes in this journey, hopefully as Rachael said the cheating was a side effect of the alcoholism and once she's won this battle everything will be fine for you two.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

icelandbob — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 15:35:19 -0700

"I'm gonna love you till the wheels fall off" - Brilliant man!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

trini_naenae — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 15:52:52 -0700

@govspy: You are a better person than I, which is a good thing. I'm hoping the best for ya.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 15:55:03 -0700

@Gov Spy, btw, I'm pretty sure you just gave every ~~girl~~ person here hope for finding that kind of love. FOR SRS.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

government spy — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 17:00:09 -0700

Thanks gang. Got off the phone with her earlier and we're giving it our all. We have no family here, we are our own support. I'm lucky to have this place to come to.

@flecky. The 24/7 in house hospital care is roughly 4 weeks long, and they make recommendations based on each persons response to treatment, as well as their family's (in this case, I'm all she's got) involvement. After the 24/7 care is over, then the patient goes home, but they have 8-5 outpatient programming where the patient sleeps at home. They may begin working, possibly part time, at that point, and do AA or whatever locally. There is technically no end to treatment, but what I pay for at this clinic is about a year's worth of services, and obviously AA and the like are at no cost, as usual.

I hope you find what you need Flecky. Not sure what you meant about me being a stormtrooper though...? We don't get the white shiny plastic armor til the ~~Emporer~~ President passes the next budget. I'm hoping for callsign 1138!

Anyways Fleck you're %100 percent original and thanks for the advice too.

It's going to be a struggle, I know it's going to be a long road but I know I'm on the right path.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Cameron C. — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 22:11:45 -0700

Hello Whitechapel. Long time no see.

I woke up today late for school. I have class from 9am-1pm. I just stayed in bed. I had already decided I wasnt up for it. The last few days have been pretty lame. I just lay in bed, not wanting to think about anything. My friend that lives down in the desert, that I met in school when I lived down there, is leaving california at the end of December. I dont know how I feel about this but I know it's the root of my lameness. We see each other no more than once or twice a month and when we do we spend most of the entire day together practically cuddling watching movies and anime and tickling each other and goofing off like that. She seemingly alternates between wanting more and not and it's far too late for any of it to matter now. She might drive up to visit me for a day or two next week and Im not sure if I want to see her again at all. Im just tired of it and when she has to leave I'll feel even worse for a couple days. Im lucky to have a nice bit of money saved away for the time being but I've been unemployed for years now and even though schools been going well everything just feels like shit right now.

I've at least been able to get some work done on my silly comic instead of just curling up and dying like I want to. A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away I would do Bad Things(tm) to stave away these sorta feelings. Now I doodle my silly comics to help with them. Once I finish this 30 page comic (My 3rd ~30 page collection) I'll have done about a hundred pages of Scrambled Circuits comics, with these and the ones Ive done for other peoples anthologies and such.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Alan Tyson — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 22:43:03 -0700

@govspy: I'm really late to the game, but... you're a hell of a good guy, you know that?

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

oldhat — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 12:38:29 -0700

@Cameron, 100 pages? Wow. Congrats!

Alright, not really a huge problem, but I guess I'll post this as it's been bugging me lately.

For the past few days I've been having dreams about my ex. Now...for those that don't know about him, the basic story is that he was in love with someone else more and didn't bother to tell me about it until nearly a year after they had started getting involved. What made it worse was that the person he was with was a friend of mine and ALL of our mutual friends who I regarded as good, trusted friends, knew about it the whole time but didn't think to either stick up for me or tell me what was going on. So pretty much it put me in to a state of complete self-esteem and trust breakdown.

Fast forward two years and a bit. I am very much over it. 2010 was, as many of you know, my "rebuilding" year. I cut off all the toxic people and I developed in to the person that I wanted to be. The last I heard of my ex was early this year, when he e-mailed me to tell me that he had his heart broken very much the same way he broke mine and it was by the very person he was involved with when he was with me. This cheered me up and had incredible timing, as I went off therapy the day previous.

But recently I've been hearing from a member of that circle of friends who wants to reconnect. I don't really want to, but it's been turning in to an e-mail...crap...thing. And thinking about her is just making me think back to that time and, I'm guessing, seems to be triggering these dreams. I've had them before, back when I was still getting over it. Essentially it's the ex voicing the insecurities and suspicions I had at the time ("You were so stupid". "We were all laughing at you when you left" etc.) stuff I know is bullshit, but my dreams being as they are with full sensory use, being able to touch him and even smell him makes it a bit more real. And while I don't get incredibly stressed out about it and my day isn't ruined and I don't go back to square one (it is just a DREAM after all), I end up waking up feeling a little shaken. And that bugs me. And I'm concerned that these dreams will be more frequent.

So...yeah. It really isn't a problem. And I'm not depressed about it or anything, but it's just a rattling "Oof, I don't need this" thing.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Cameron C. — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 13:38:42 -0700

@Oldhatter: hmmm, let me see:
Scrambled Circuits 1 had 32pgs
Scrambled Circuits 2 had 29pgs
Make Something 1 had 4pgs
Make Something 4 had 5pgs
1pg strip for visatergo.wordpress.com
1pg strip in Candy or Medicine
another 1pg in my first zine
and a christmas mini I did in 09 that was a single 5 or 6 page story

... So thats 78 pages so far, unless Im forgetting some of the stuff that ended up in more random places. I'm already about a third of the way done with SC3, and when I send that to the printers I'll be printing V2 of my first issue with all digital lettering and a new pretty color cover. So this is pretty neat for me. thanks :)

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

razrangel — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 13:57:06 -0700

@Oldhat I know how you feel very, very well. Four years on and I'm still dreaming about exes. But I'm a lot more sanguine when I'm awake...so long as I only have to deal with people I consider friends. That is, a mutual friend passed along some info on what they're up to now and I hadn't asked for it. I didn't run from the news or feel up to digging for more, even now I just shrug, file away the data and carry on. What would be my reaction if someone I used to know through them reached out to me? I don't know. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I ever saw either one of them again I'd be very unhappy for a while. Hence really wishing my subconscious would quit bringing them up (especially the guy). I have spent so much of this time both hurt and embarrassed that I haven't wanted to share the details outside of a handful of close friends and have nearly shut down to being emotionally open to new people. But it does move further and further back into the rearview, so long as you keep driving forward. That's a major fucking relief.

@gov spy, caught up on this thread and I have less and less to say, until I have practically no insight other than I really admire you for giving this your all. I have no idea what'll happen, I have no idea if your choices are appropriate, let alone "right", I just have no idea. But damn it makes me feel good that there are people like you in this world. I hope with all my heart your girlfriend realizes what a treasure she has. In the face of addiction I've only felt profoundly helpless when I watch friends glide away to acquaintance and then disappear from radar. The awful things they've done... I don't know. I'm less trusting than you appear to be; folks who make terrible choices don't turn around and make only good ones just because that's what they promised. so. It takes immense patience and strength. Taking on a challenge like that in full faith and hope makes the world a better place.

@flecky Carry the fuck on, man. Own your own life.

@Rachael - People suck ass. But I've consistently seen you work and create despite setbacks, stupid social/family bullshit, and your bad health and you come around and make amazing things exist. You've a solid, inventive mind, a good eye for images...you know your shit. And you're eager to improve your game all the time. Dude, that's awesome.

@icelandbob - I am of the stripe who has a sort of "egads there are too many people, we don't need more kids, dammit!" when friends start musing on procreating. That is, I spend a lot of time with my mouth shut when the subject comes up. BUT. Imagining you as a father bypasses all of that knee-jerk childfree crap and brings such a warmth for the idea of your Viking kid(s) I really dig the idea hard. Sigga seems like a such a good woman (and of course, the actual Viking in the house };>) Damn how could your kids be anything other than brilliant...as they sack and pillage Northern Europe? So in the end of it all, if it works and you two have little Iceland babies then I think that's fantastic. And if it turns out the world is cruel bitch and we are deprived of new little Cluness's running about, then fuck man... you have my sincere sympathy.

(Tangent: Why is it that irresponsible trainwrecks can make babies as easily tripping dust motes and crashing into their own vomit, but people who take their time, make sure all is prepared, are nurturing and intelligent, end up having to get expensive treatments to maybe be able to make a kid?)

@Everyone oy vey. I love you all. Please take very good care of yourselves. I was just informed that in the apartment next to the house of one of my friends a woman was murdered by her ex who then set fire to the apartment. I know I was going to write about some stuff on my life...nutty disparate things that have little to do with what I've been trying to get done...but I can't really remember what it was. I'll get back to this later.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

sellmeyoursoul — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 14:35:27 -0700

@Rachael - It's crazy how happy the docs are to hand out narcotics like candy if you have a demonstrable medical problem. When my back was at its worst, I was tempted to start walking with a cane just to have a visible clue that I was suffering. Half the time I was limping anyway. Having people who've suffered through chronic illness was a huge help for me while I was dealing with mine.

@Flecky - Narco detox is not any fun. I've gone through it twice. Nowhere near as bad as you since I'm so terrified of addiction that I would take less than half of what the docs were telling me to take. Still, I hope to never have to get back on Percocet to the point where my body rebels when I stop taking it.

@GovSpy - Awww. I may need you to ghostwrite love letters for me (assuming I start dating somebody and want to send her love letters).

@bob - That's rough man. Have you guys considered adopting? The idea of little Chinese Icelandic Viking Scots lasses running around sewing chaos makes me happy. I know that's not for everyone. My sister spent the last several years going through treatments to have a second kid. I don't really know the details, but I know my brother-in-law suggested adoption and she was having none of it. She had a little girl a few weeks ago, so there still might be hope. It's amazing what medical science can do these days.

My spleen is actually fairly bile free at the moment. I took my daughter in to visit a friend of mine who's in the hospital recovering from getting her hip replaced (at 36). Speaking of pain, she's got some. She was really there for me and I feel horrible that I can't be more there for her (says the guy who held her hand as her catheter was removed after her last hip surgery) but she lives two hours away and that's just too much of a road trip to make with my daughter on any sort of regular basis. We then went to my sister's and my kid met her new cousin for the first time. Last night, I managed to grind out several pages of my comic, finishing the first draft of issue three. Five more issues to go. They're outlined so no problem, right? Then a few more days being a single dad before I spend the weekend on call (so no drinking).

@everyone - I hope things look up (even if they're good right now, they could be better, right?). Cheers!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 16:19:27 -0700

So. I went to the ER on Sunday night / Monday morning because of the Lyme Disease resurgence which, in me, already having borderline cerebral herniation at the back of my skull, manifests is TERRIBLE headaches from the infection-borne encephalitis. It feels like my skull is being choked, and I cannot sit upright without pain for more than 45-15 minutes (the painfree-upright time continues to decrease throughout the day, till I sleep again). I explained that I'd had Lyme, that it'd been creeping back, and that I kicked it all into high gear by over-extending myself helping a freind move. They wrote it down as me having muscular-skeletal pain, blamed the moving, gave me a shot of toradol (bullshit) and a prescription for fucking naproxen (more bullshit). I was in tears as they sent me off, explaining that these pain killers wouldn't do a thing, that I didn't even WANT painkillers if they'd just give me antibiotics. The nurse told me that they couldn't give me antibiotics unless they KNEW I had Lyme, and that the test results would be back Tuesday. Why they couldn't treat me for non-specific brain swelling, I don't know.

Today I called the hospital for my results, got transferred 6 times in as many minutes, and finally was told that the tests weren't back, and they'd no idea when they would be ready. I tried then making appointments with four different Infectious Disease doctors who were written up as Lyme Disease specialists. Nobody will take me as a patient because I'm now "chronic" and not "acute".

Meanwhile, I had what I thought was a good interaction with my roommate last night about being fair to each other in our living spaces, to then find that he'd gone to bed without cleaning up the beer bottles that have sat in the livingroom since Sunday, with socks and shoes and personal belongings about, too. During email conversation today it seems that he cannot accept that it is not cool to leave garbage, recycling, food-stuff, and laundry in the common areas, and feels that I am not compromising enough. To me it is a respect issue, and pretty unacceptable. So, since he's got the lease, I guess I'll have to move this winter. I don't want to, and everything I read keeps telling me how Lyme Disease needs a lot of rest and free of stress, which is the opposite of apartment hunting and moving in NYC, but I fear that staying here long term will be even more stressful?

However, on a positive note, I went to the pet store and bought $4 worth of crickets and deposited them on my street, and the inside of the block. Now I have cricket-song! This improves the quality of my existence in ways I cannot possibly explain. I think I might do this every week, spreading out the perimeter, and see if I can inspire a vast and permanent cricket population! Aaaaaahh.... so calming. NEED MORE CRICKETS!

@sellmeyoursoul - yeah, I keep thinking i should get myself a new cane. I do limp on occasion, but more often it's a matter of being dizzy, or my spine hurting, or my shoulder and hip joints screaming from the Lyme. At least a cane is a sign to the world. Your friend with the hip issue, does she have Perthes? My mom is on her second hip replacement at age 53 due to Perthes.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Fishelle — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 21:33:51 -0700

@Rachæl You know where rent is cheap and there's tons of crickets? Utah. But really, you should do yourself a favor and never live here. I really don't know why I feel compelled to say this to so many of the things you post.

@Bob I hope things work out for you guys. Don't know what to say other than that, but I really do.

@GovSpy Even with everything your girlfriend is currently going through, hearing that letter, she's got to feel like the luckiest girl in the world. You're pretty much amazing.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

government spy — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 22:35:22 -0700

Woah, hey, don't feed my ego too much now.

I'm obviously a romantic. Telling me too many nice things can go to my head.

This stuff is tough, gang. Make no bones about it. Having a loved one in rehab is hard work. You have to go to group therapy and stuff, and some of it is without your patient. I'm going to my first one tomorrow evening. And it's a tough schedule.

Well, I'm at work tonight, til about 7am, then I get to go home, put in an order for some flowers (she likes Orchids) at the neighborhood shop, and then go to bed. I'll sleep for a little bit, pick up the flowers and then my buddy's dropping me off at the rehab place around 5, so we can visit for a couple hours, I can do at least one class with her and maybe one class without her, and then I get to get a taxi back to work again.

She's worth it, but tonight I'm really feeling the beginnings of wear & tear. Physically too. Last night had to do stairwell rounds up and down like 16 flights of stairs in the jail, and my calves are killing me! Remember to stretch first, folks! The combination of graveyard shift, the empty bed, my sleep apnea machine is spitting water at me, switching sleep schedules almost daily to make lunch appointments with friends, recover from a (small) drinking binge the other night, and adjusting to visit schedules, rehab meetings & work means I'm delerious almost every day.

Wow. Didn't mean to make bitch session.

Regardless, this has become my number one place to vent, and have a bit of freedom to not worry about what I'm saying. Don't have to self-edit for friends/family sake. Thank you. A million times thank you.

Also, remember I'm no saint. I've been an enabler for the past few years, and my hands are not clean.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 22:39:01 -0700

@ all:the flecky hopes the kids are all peachy keen. I will read your stuff after tapin in my mindshite.
@Rachael: hope you are ok.I've actually been worried about you as i conduct my experiment in coming back to the nightmare of reality.

And a nightmare it is.If not physically withdrawing then i feel like i've taken a tab of really dodgy LSD..everything is bright as fook..green trees in the street look like something out of Swamp Thing..small birds look like vultures ready to peck my eyes out..there is a lack of dimension if i stare..it's like i'm looking at a cabbage green oil painting..the sky looks like the north sea..all deep black and dark blue and slowly moving in time with my breathing..
It's nearly 6 30 a.m in the Bush,west London..it's still dark. i keep having micro sleep and when i wake i don't know if it's the a.m or the p.m.My legs are playing up from all the damage i did to them with the needle.Coming to terms with it is fooking scary as shit sometimes.I can't even get a simple blood test taken without having to be sedated as they have to use my neck or groin.
I nearly died once from shooting up crack..ended up on the slab of Chelsea and Westminster casualty with a centre line needle from my neck to my heart so they could drip drip drip me antibiotics.When i tried to reach for a cup of water the bastard fell out!Had to take handfulls of yeast stink pills that made me gag from the taste.

All real good fun! All character building drugs are cool stuff! Yeah..it feels fooking lovely when shite tourists look at me cripple my way about.They look at me as if i just asked them for a skull fook.Children run to daddy..fit women look like i've just said "Bitch..i'm gonna flip you and do you from behind..Game of Thrones style"

Yeah my life is fookin' fantastic.Top notch.Beautiful.Really Chelsea posh.

Gonna post this as i reckon my server is playing up again..intersite existential dread.

Flame on unt die shite vurld!!!
,

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 23:43:26 -0700

Thanks to you, Flecky! And you too, Fishelle!

I probably shouldn't be bothering with my roommate stuff. It's frustrating, but not a terrible situation. I've lived in terrible situations. This is just a bit annoying, but it's OH so much easier to focus on the annoying than think about the deep dark terrible things that I have no control over and/or that reach out and throttle me with slimy hands from the distant past, ancient rotting moments in time that will follow my scent for eternity. Zombie memories of the then, chaotic fire daemons of the now, and the teeth gnashing harpies swooping down from the future.

However! Even though my head is exploding, I still managed to cram in a month's worth of Developmental Psychology in the past four days. Three quizzes (one of which I took while waiting for delivery food to arrive before I went to the hospital), four messageboard essays, lots of kinda-sorta-reading, and I have gotten A's on all of them. It's really not a testament to my intelligence, my university is depressingly remedial. Twenty multiple choice questions for an online (therefore, open book) quiz, and we are allotted TWO FUCKING HOURS. I'm ashamed I've gotten anything less than 100%, honestly.

And my professor is impressed with my ability.

Pathetic.

Granted, I've got three other classes I've not even STARTED to try and catch up with yet, and they might be actually challenging. (doubt it, though)

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

razrangel — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 00:02:59 -0700

Pushed out of being cool, brain unhooked makes compassion impossible; got pushed out of comfort to one of the worst places I know and I reacted with spite and fury. Blah. Phobia not a little discomfort, it's not a little "eek," it's complete discombobulation, it's complete uncoupling of access to rational thought. It's solid, primal, and implacable. So I fucking hate running into it. I hate it when it's triggered. I can't be me, I can't think, I can't demand better of myself.

I'm very sorry about that.
______________________________________________

I'm trying to right myself after an odd month of slouching my way through shit-I'm-supposed-to-be-doing and throwing myself on a lot of fun stuff that might indirectly help me, but not in any immediate way. A week ago I wrapped up some introductory classes to Viewpoints and Suzuki style acting. It's had fireworks going off in my actor/director/creative brain for quite a while, making it hard to focus on my tasks at hand. I'm starting to come out of it - well I did a few days ago, but then other things intervened - but I really need to get up a solid blog post or two on it soon.

I haven't been blogging. In fact the last post of any kind was for 9/11 commemoration (sort of) and the last real blog post was in August, nearly two months ago. Ack. I haven't been writing long form in a while, but I have several notes of stuff I want to expound on, at least in theory.

I'm not at all sure what I've been doing, really. Videos, reading, hanging with friends... ok all of that maybe more than I should when there's plenty I have to do. But huh? where'd the time go?

In the last week I've gotten up to some really fun excursions that have pushed me to think about where I want to go in life. I hate making choices that exclude other options, but if I want any of them to be a strong possibility instead of a vague maybe that's what's necessary. Thursday evening I went to a performance of Trojan Women, as interpreted by SITI company (whose members were teaching the Viewpoints/Suzuki training; those styles were developed by the founders of SITI). My GOD it was brilliant. I mean just fucking glorious. Hah my mom (the only person I could convince to go with me on the short notice I had) called it "dramatic." Hehe, understatement of the century, but you know what, I choose to think that means it took dramatic to a whole new level. Another great blog entry there, going on and on about seeing the concepts of Viewpoints on stage, and noting the extraordinary strength and presence the actors cultivated through their Suzuki training. Shhh...don't tell my parents but sometimes going to see great theatre feels better for my soul than going to church. };>

Saturday I headed up to my friend's haus bright and early to work on DecomLA, aka the Burning Man after party. I'm now even more prone to thinking I like civilization more than I like the chance to be as a crazy and free as the burn supposedly allows, but it doesn't fucking matter because I got to help put this together and then have a blast there:

Took a while to recover on Sunday, though. And then I tried but mostly failed to help my friend move. I'll skip the boring details of truck technical issues and get to the punch line: it a macho manly man to diagnose the problem accurately and instruct me on how to be gentle. }:P

And now it's home again and the "work" week again, only getting moving is still eluding me. }:/

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 01:37:30 -0700

@oldhat:"toxic people". I know what that means.I'm real careful who i give e-mail to.Infact just my old man and step mom who live in Oz.Supposed best friends from past have sent me some right nasty tx garbage.I find it the ultimate form of cowardice.They wouldn't say it to my face as they know i can give back as good..or better..than them.Dreams..mad stuff.I had a full on using drug shit tother nite.Was so real..yet just woke a little weary.
Bollox..dyslexia setting in..i cringe when unable to spell simple words.

@razrangel:thanks for support.

I'd like to thank everone infact.This site has really helped me get through some dark shit.I'm proud to get to know the lot of you.You are mental and cool!

Got to pick up a little certificate in a few hours from this Intuitive Recovery course i did.It's recognised as good shit so will use it to access college when better.I also started voluntary work at the clinic i've been hating for years..gonna change the rules..dictate the tempo..hulk smash puny N.H.S!!

@govspy: you seem to be on track.I hope your partner is putting the work in too.

Gonna read some comics..or try.I have the attention span of a special class viking berserker at moment.Heads for breakfast..

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

allana — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 11:07:30 -0700

O hi I'm cranky and sniffly. Yesterday I had a single non-drowsy Advil Cold & Sinus and I swear I got a buzz off the pseudoephedrine. I was jaw-grindy and everything. I haven't heard of anyone else being this sensitive to stimulants yet, but I'm sure they're out there. (You should've seen me on a single Ritalin.)

So I'm in bed, typing up class notes, uploading pictures to Flickr, listening to various WCers' 8trackses (Alan Tyson, at the moment). I'm working the election tomorrow, 15 delicious hours of pleasantries and honour-system-with-sworn-oaths and the oppressive fluorescent lighting of a public school gymnasium. I had better get healthy, fast. Currently trying to secure a plug-in kettle so I can have tea throughout the day, at least. I'm definitely baking scones to take tomorrow (though I won't be bringing clotted cream, which is a bummer); the only tasty-additive I have on hand is strawberries, which I'm sure will turn out okay. Also taking a knitting project. Can you tell I'm trying to make friends with old people?

Yesterday I rampaged through the apartment, sorted stuff to give away, cleaned all the clothes out of the sauna (long story), finished a half-dozen sewing projects, canned some pears, and otherwise puttered hardcore. I can't find a battery charger for my Black & Decker drill, so the shelves remain sitting on the floor, gaaaaaah. And I don't have proper canning supplies, so it's possible one or two of the jars didn't seal properly. I'm getting better (shorter) jars today, if I can make it as far as putting on pants.

Man, I'm positively boring.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 11:15:58 -0700

@flecky glad whitechapel is helping ya out!!! A lot of us feel the same way about this place, it really is quite special, and we're glad to have ya as part of the mental and cool crowd here :)

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 15:28:01 -0700

gah, Wells Fargo wants to start charging me a $10 monthly fee because I'm poor. Nickel and dimed....

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Alan Tyson — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 15:53:37 -0700

@flecky: Stick around, mate. This place will change your life.

@Allana: Hey, cool! Which one are you listening to?

@Argos: That is a heaping helping of fucked up. I've got no other words for that.

So, the family I've been adopted into tried an experiment recently. When I first moved in, they had a cat, which after a short period of "who the fuck are you?" grew to like me pretty well. I want to say eight months after I moved in, we decided to get a dog, and ended up with a goshedly cute German Shepherd-Collie mix. The experiment was to see how we would do with two dogs.

We decided, via online ads basically, on an older Shepherd named Odin, who we were hoping would make a good playmate for Ares (our current dog). We had a lot of fun with the idea that we'd have two gods of violence packed into our house.

Long story short, Odin ain't doing so well. We brought him him, and he's got arthritis so bad that he's confined to the main level, as he can't go up or down the stairs, and the main level is all hardwood floor, which is just murder on his joints. To make matters worse, he's apparently never seen a cat before, and decided instantly that she was prey. To make matters EVEN worse, Ares decided that Odin raised an interesting point, and now he thinks of the cat as prey.

Surrogate Mom and her daughter (my college friend) are taking him back to his foster parents now, but it already feels kind of odd and empty around here. There's no telling if Ares will chill out with the cat, and I think in his doggie brain he's convinced that Surrogate Mom is leaving with this other dog and is never coming back, because he is SADDEST PUPPY right now. I keep telling him he's such a princess, but I know that to him, this isn't a joke. Poor guy.

Surrogate Mom really wanted to be the kind of person who'd take care of an old guy like Odin too, I think, and things just didn't work out, through no-one's fault, but she's feeling guilty over it, and this is a woman who shouldn't feel guilty about anything.

Sigh. It's just sort of a sad, draggy day, here in Alanistan.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 16:47:00 -0700

That story story just gave me a big, genuine :( look on my face, at the part where Ares is the saddest puppy. Poor thing, though luckily Surrogate Mom will be back and then he'll be happy pups again.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Alan Tyson — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 16:49:17 -0700

Argos, I actually just too him for a good long walk/jog, and he's doing a LOT better now, actually. I think he was still a little disappointed that Surrogate Mom wasn't home yet when we got back, but he plopped right down on his bed and thumped his tail for a while. I shall convey your concern to him!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Argos — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 16:51:31 -0700

awww, thanks :)

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

ScottBieser — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 18:08:52 -0700

So, for those of us self-publishers on the low end, CreateSpace seems to be a tempting POD solution. Instant access to Amazon.com without the hassle of shipping tiny orders to them every month, access to wider distribution without the hassle of returns. They really sucked me in.

And now I'm in a panic. I've put together Volume 2 of ESCAPE FROM TERRA, the art for which was drawn to a fairly specific format: 6"x9" trim, .25" margins at outside, top and bottom, .325" margin on the inside. Pretty much the way I've done all my books.

But after spending considerable time with Adobe InDesign carefully assembling the book, CS refuses it. The reason? Since it has more than 150 pages (214 to be exact), they demand the inside margin be increased to .75 inches. Which would not be so much of an issue with a prose novel but I'm sure folks here understand what that means for a comic-book -- the bleeds won't work right, and the art would have to be shrunk so as to leave huge margins at top and bottom of page, and the lettering so small as to be almost unreadable.

And here I am with two weeks to go before I need to have advance copies for a convention I'm attending later this month.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGH.

Ka-Blam can't get the books to me in time without charging a prohibitive "expedited delivery" fee. My only choice now is Lulu.

I know this story pales in comparison with some of the other drama going on here (especially poor Rachel's) but I have high blood pressure and I don't need this.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 21:22:13 -0700

Egad, am I the current record-holder of woe around here? Well, have a new hefty heaping...

Dammit, I'm on the bus on my way home from school. The fellow with many bags offered to let me on ahead of him, and I declined. He then went straight to the back of the bus and took the long soft bench that spans the whole width of the vehicle. I always grab that spot, so that I can lay flat and survive the head pounding I invariably have from a day of activity.

Today has been frustrating. I set my alarm for 11 so I can get my body moving, to then get my OCD self dressed, and get my agoraphobic self prepared to leave the house by 2 so I can subway to the bus station and get a 3 o clock bus (it only runs every 2 hours), so I can arrive on campus by around 4, so I can finish and print my paper for my pathetic English class (which uses a book recommended for 10-12th graders) that starts at 6. On Monday, I'd been emailed by Disability Services that my digital texts (so I can actually READ) had finally arrived, so I headed to their office when I arrived on campus. When I got there, (during their office hours) the secretary told me curtly that nobody was in, couldn't tell me when they WOULD definitely be in, and blamed me for not making an appointment. A seriously frustrating interaction followed with me on the verge of tears, explaining to her that it's a month in to the semester, that I sent my special book request within days of getting the form, and I might have to withdraw from most of my classes. Hopefully my advisor will get them to mail me the CDs.

With an hour before class, I wrote and printed a three page paper, suffered through English with throbbing skull, then waited an hour and a half for the hour long bus ride to Manhattan, where I am now.

Last night had me in hysterics, and I feel sobs constantly hovering right beneath the surface. I can't tell how much of it is the Lyme Disease effecting the functions of my brain and emotions, or how much of it is legitimate woe in response to having more illness on top of illness, more brain damage on top of brain damage, more struggle on top of struggle, more rare disorders that doctors won't treat on top of rare disorders doctors won't treat, more loneliness on top of loneliness. Another year my favorite season has been stolen from me from sickness. More time slipping away while I'm still trying to make up for all that I'd lost.

There's this fellow who was the shining center of my life for a long while. The best way to explain it is that there's a million and two reasons just like this one. He's the ONLY person who didn't fade away or awkwardly shift in the face of my health issues and psychological wierdnesses. Things between us got really weird 2 years ago. We tried, on two different occasions, to reconnect, but the moment he'd leave i'd just break into sobs from a confused and broken heart. We'd been chatting again recently, and it was nice.... but then... well, after my roommate lying, my family dicking me with the beach house, a friend asking me for a free website, I started to feel... solitary. The beach house idea was largely inspired so that this fellow and I could spend a weekend together where we used to, and hopefully reset ourselves. I thought we just needed a few days of stress free escape to learn how to be with each other again, but that fell apart. So, after all of that, and feeling like I just don't have anyone in the world, I randomly asked him if we could promise to not lie to each other or conceal things, not ever, even if we hate each other. The conversation that followed went badly. I got upset and hung up.

And then I realised that every time things between us go badly, my Lyme Disease is flaring. When we first fell apart, when we tried to rekindle, when the following autumn when I thought I could be friends, each time I started bursting into sobs. Each time, my Lyme Disease was eating my brain. Each time, I sobbed myself sick and was emotionally unable to find a way out of the frenzied woe. I wrote and apologized for hanging up. He'd emailed me that he needed time to think and respond, but that he'd reads everything I write. So I wrote him about the Lyme, that it coincided with everything. I started researching, and sent him these two links I found about Lyme and depression: The Psychological Effects of Lyme and Lyme, Depression, and Suicide

I hoped that maybe it would help explain my distraught states of the past. I apologized for being crazy, and that maybe I should stay away. But then the next day, found an event in Texas this weekend and asked if he wanted to drive down with me and my crazy self.

Yeah. A bit random and erratic.

But he's going through shit, and I actually have money to treat HIM for a change, help him escape for a while, and I wanted to help him and he'll never just ASK for help or even ACCEPT it easily. I've got the means to do all this stuff all of a sudden and I just want everything to be ok with the person I want to do things with so we can do things and have fun together, dammit.

So last night he wrote to me, frustrated at my emails, having wanted me to leave him be until he responded, which I totally misunderstood. He's got stuff in his own life, and his life and his problems are his own, and mine are mine. My take on things of coming together and being a refuge for each other when bad things are happening, being a team, well.... it doesn't seem to fly with him. At least, not anymore, and not with me being so fucking crazy, I suppose. I thought... if I explained that it's the sickness... But no.

He doesn't want me to contact him.

I can't really blame him.

So. I've got a drivers license for the first time in ten years, an apartment in NYC, enough money to adventure, but the one person I desperately want to take out to dinner or help in some way has finally had enough of me. He was the only person who didn't go away, and now he has. He was the most important a person has ever been to me. i don't really have any friends left.

So last night there was lots of sobbing and hysterics.

And I can feel it right under my skin. Like I'm nothing but skin filled with the wetness of tears and snot, and the sounds of sobbing.

Sorry people. Sorry for my very long ramble. I'll probably edit it away later when I have a wave of proper sanity inbetween the waves of hysterics. It's actually worrying me, my mental state, and it's very sudden and rapid decline. If not for desperately trying to stay in school, and losing my insurance if I don't stay a student, I'd consider checking msyelf in somewhere.

Oh god my head hurts.

I'm too crazy and sick for anyone to deal with.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Fishelle — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 21:30:43 -0700

I'm so sorry, Rachael. Losing the one person that you really want to be with is just the absolute worst. Internet hugs and good vibes are being sent your way.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 21:39:14 -0700

@sellmeyoursoul & flecky - yeah, I've been dope sick once, and that was just from overdoing it for a week or two. Quitting months of the morphine pills in the midst of the Lyme Disease was one of the most physically and emotionally awful things I've ever been through. I had vibrating massage things all over my back, and one on my crotch, just for some sort of pain releif and endorphin release. i can't fucking imagine what real true addiction withdrawl would possibly feel like.

@allana - hey, you might be positively boring, but at least you are POSITIVE! yay!

@Scott Beiser - Is there some kind of graphic element you could add to the top and bottom margin space to balance it? i mean, that doesn't help the font readibility, but some kind of decorative seriph on top and bottom could solve the layout balance issues. It could even change slightly on each page, like a flipbook animation! (or not, being that it'd probably be waaaaay more work that you want to add to your plate at the moment)

@Fishelle - thank you. I'm a mess over the boy, and I have been missing him for two years, but this is... worse. i'll never be able to truly make him friend if i don't see him. Instead my romantic wonderings will return, and I'll end up with a fake and squishy what-if romance frozen in my amber heart, instead of having a fabulous human being in my life (with or without romance).

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

oldhat — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 21:46:30 -0700

@rachael, that's terrible and I'm sorry you're going through it. But maybe he just needs a break from things in general? I've had falling outs with people before and one of them was actually almost the same. Things were crashing around me and they were the one person I wanted to be with and it turns out in the desperation of my own situation I ended up being just one more element in the chaos that was going around in her life and she just wasn't used to it. She said some horrible things and that was that...for a while. Now we're back to being friends. So I think, with the history you two have, it may just be possible that the shit he's going through is too stressful and he just needs a break from other things so he can focus on dealing with it. This may not be permanent. Hell, in a couple of months or enough time until the both of you may be in a better place, send an e-mail his way. His tone may change.

@Raz, "But it does move further and further back into the rearview, so long as you keep driving forward. That's a major fucking relief." that's the best description of it I've heard. And yeah...even a year ago I used to say "I've moved on, but I haven't gotten over it" if that makes sense. But it's so great when you reach the point that you cease to care about news about that person.

@flecky Yeah, man...it took a while, but I've learned that I'd rather have a small group of friends who would take a bullet for me (and I for them) rather than a large group of wankers who would sell me out for half a Kit Kat if given the chance.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 21:59:19 -0700

@oldhat - yes, intellectually I know you are likely right. But emotionally, there's some betrayal. I'm a fucking mess, and he's edging out the door. More than that, and more than the self pity, is the terrible thought that... if we keep our problems as our own, if when things happen he needs to be apart, then... then we never will be partners. We'll never be a team of us against the world. And that... really breaks me.

Then again, I've got brain swelling, and I've no idea if anything I feel is right.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

DavidLejeune — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 22:42:04 -0700

Every time I read one of your posts Rachael, I want to fly out to New York and bring you ice cream and flowers and god knows what. You're way overdue for some karmic balancing, and you deserve some random over the top kindness.

I understand exactly what you're going through emotionally, and it's worse than anything else in the universe and I don't know if it ever actually gets any better, but the only way to find out is to hold on.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

trini_naenae — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 23:20:20 -0700

@Rachel: *hugs*

Hugs to everyone else with rough times.

As for me, I'm at a loss with trying to find an apartment, and a bit emotionally exhausted. Too much to figure out and not having a clue and things being stagnant as usual, and knowing it's because I'm not able to get off my ass. That if I'm truly honest with myself, I'm insanely emotionally needy and want to get approval all the time, and since I'm not getting constant approval, I'm not doing the stuff that used to be the drive for living. Pathetic. That said, there are people who have it much much worse than me, so I should just shut up. I'll get through it somehow, I always have.

edit to add: @oldhat & @razrangel: nightmares about exes - I have a similar thing, but not quite. I occasionally have nightmares featuring classmates from boarding school, and those can be really hard on me. And this is from what happened over 10 years ago! Very rare, but when I have them, oh so unsettling. And dreams about former crushes. Those don't stand out so much though. Anyway. Sorry to hear you're having to deal with that.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rootfireember — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 23:26:53 -0700

Woke up this morning to find my cat had barfed on the stairs, and had the shits all over the bathroom. :( She's feeling better now, but it was NOT a nice way to start the day, and while I did do other things, 99.9% of the time my brain was wondering if the kitty would be okay, and if I'd need to take her to the vets.

Carpel Tunnel/tendonitis/whatever the hell joint crud has kicked up and problems at work with machinery have not helped this in the slightest. I've had great ideas of things to draw today and when I finally got the tablet out and started sketching it felt like my hands were gonna cramp to death. I guess better luck tomorrow...

I managed to get some knitting done, and then checked the internet, to find out Steve Jobs had died. I knew he wasn't doing well, but kinda thought he'd stick around a few more months, and not go after a rather dull apple iphone event which felt to me more like apple's version of 'what I did over your summer vacation'.

I *think* my depression meds are finally starting to kick in for real this time, but I'm not quite sure, and am sorta half afraid if I say shit's working that it will all go downhill... even if it hasn't gone that far uphill, I don't want to crash again, you know?

I'm not panicky or flighty, just rather exhausted tonight, and hoping I don't wake up to more kitty poo tomorrow.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 23:59:53 -0700

i keep... I keep thinking that things HAVE to start getting better... and I just... I just don't understand how things keep getting worse. About two years ago, heartbroken, talking to an old friend of mine, I was told "Rachael, this is hardly the worst thing that has ever happened to you. I mean, your life is terrible!"

When does the karma happen? Does that mean I might not hurt someday?

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

nelzbub — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 03:08:25 -0700

Rachael, i'm at a loss for things to say other than express my fullest sympathies for your continuing tribulations. With an urge to offer something of practical use, can I point you towards this , set up by a friend of mine. After years of suffering with Lyme and struggling to get help from the dutch medical system, he eventually travelled to Germany for treatment and is now a completely changed man from the one I first met six years ago at the height of his illness. There is always hope. And I hope that this site may be of some use to you in any small way.
as ever, to all, hugs.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

oldhat — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 06:39:47 -0700

@Rachael,

Um. Wasn't the past year actually really good for you? You moved in to the city, you got in to school, you stopped being sick all the time and you went out and did stuff for both art and fun (including making delicious Dr. WHo themed cocktails!). If I recall you even stopped showing up online because you were rarely home. And from a personal standpoint, shitty roommate and sickness aside, I would kill several people just to get what you have for a month.

I'm not saying this to trivialize what you're going through (I'd like to think you know me better than that) but what I AM saying it that, for the sake of your own morale, don't give credence to the thoughts that this is anything more than one rough patch among several in your life and that there is no end in sight. Try and remember all the good things that have happened in the past year and try to tell yourself that you'll get back to that as soon as this rough patch is over. I'm not stupid and have been in similar situations, so I do know that this is easier said than done, but please do try for your own mental well-being. The other option leads to perpetual stagnation and I think we both know, even by the sound of it, that that's not gonna work.

Take care of yourself. :)

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 10:23:56 -0700

@oldhat -

Yeah, the past eight months or so did see me get the fuck out of my Aunt's house and back to the city, and I have finally gotten my disability. But.... well, having another health problem that won't go away, having health insurance and not being able to find a doctor to treat me, actually having the means and location to do any number of amazing things but being too sick to do them, watching two of my few friends fade away into marriage and losing the other two slowly but surely and being without the social oomph to make new connections, having money and means but nobody to enjoy it with... actually getting into school and trying to overcome all of this and being kept from doing so by beurocracy and sickness.... I don't know, it all seems kind of worse than just being stuck at my Aunt's. At least then I had the illusion of potential. I thought that if I could move out and had some money everything might be ok. Now, I've got a place to live and enough money to just pay my rent and am enrolled in school, but i'm alone and sick and evidently too difficult to be close to.

And, y'know... it's really hard to not suffer ANOTHER disorder that causes brain damage, that worsens and causes more long term and irreversible damage to my thought processes and neurological systems and vision and dexterity, another that is ongoing for years without proper treatment or any family concern, and assume that this is something that does have an end in sight. It kinda doesn't. Every day I don't get fixed is another day of permanent damage.

I feel like Marla Singer from Fight Club combined with Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, starring in a plotline crossed between Flowers for Algernon and Tess of the D'Urbervilles. I used to be really smart and sharp.

But thank you, Robin. I will try to convince myself that you are right, and i'm just crazy at the moment.

@nelzbub -

Thank you very much for that link! I have been considering asking a fellow I know who has a wife who is a Polish nurse if she'd be willing to help me with intravenous treatments. I'm sure I could find a way to order the stuff I need online, and honestly, it seems that in the case of Lyme, you can't really OVER DO the amount or duration of antibiotics. I'm going to have to get the Lyme stabilized before I can ever get the rest of my brain issues dealt with.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Alan Tyson — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 10:36:37 -0700

@rachael:

I'm too crazy and sick for anyone to deal with.

Not for us.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

RenThing — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 10:40:37 -0700

We're Whitechapel.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

JP Carpenter — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 11:16:16 -0700

Change of screen name as I wasn't comfortable sharing this much under my real one, obscured as it was...

@Rachael - sorry things are so rough for you at the moment, both physically and in terms of relationships. I suppose, to add to what Oldhat said though, it's easy in the depths of despair about a situation to lose perspective and see everything as bleak and hopeless and lose sight of anything that is, or has been good around you. Especially if illness or pain are obscuring the view. I also hate seeing the apparent cruelty of the US healthcare system in posts from American 'Chapellers - anyone who whines about the NHS here needs a fucking reality check, as that's what it could be like. I feel intensely sorry for anyone who has to have insurance as a major consideration when they're sick.

I think I can see where you're coming from though. This week has been intensely painful so far. I had a major argument with my partner about medication for my depression which she thinks is a barrier to her conceiving again. There's no proper evidence that it is, and I'm keen to try increasing the medication to try and get back on an even keel. I had no idea she'd react with the degree of fury she did, and I was pretty angry and upset when she started threatening to go and scream at my doctor, accusing my parents of making me an emotional cripple and throwing stuff around the house. We fought for a whole day and night before reaching a point of understanding, calming down and making up and apologising to each other for the harsh things we'd both said, but it's just left us both exhausted and set us back a long way. I thought she was reasonably Ok, but came back in today to find her in floods of tears again, which has knocked me back down too.

This is horrible. It's like we're bobbing around on lifejackets after a shipwreck - sometimes we're at the top of a wave and can see past it, other times one of us is in the trough and can't see out, and sometimes we're both in separate troughs and lose each other. When she's like that, I get desolate too, which then brings her back down. What I find hardest is when she can't see that there's anything good at all, anything worth being here for. She'll put a negative spin on everything - cursing the house, prospects for the future, herself, her body. Which, I know is natural and expected right now but it hurts so much because I think we're, in the main, incredibly fortunate. It just feels like one damn thing after another and I can't do a great deal to help. We experienced another miscarriage a few years back and that was hellish, but nothing like this, I guess because time is running out for her. This week was meant to be a kick back and mental reset exercise, it's turned into a nightmare.

Aargh.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

sellmeyoursoul — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 13:47:24 -0700

Am I the only one who thinks a whitechapel hoard should descend on Rachel's apartment show her a good time and then leave our empties scattered about? (until the next day when we have a hung over clean-up party because let's be honest, she's the one who would suffer from the mess the most)

As someone who's illness took them to some pretty damn dark places, I know how hard it is to see the possibility of things getting better, but it definitely won't if you give in and stop trying. Somewhere out there is a doctor who will treat you. It's annoying that you need to find him. I'd say, save that money. Having a wad gives you freedom to do the things that matter (which I think is getting as close to better as you possibly can). Trips are fun, but being healthy is way better. If the doctor isn't in New York, look elsewhere. Perhaps your roommate angst is a blessing in disguise. It gives you the freedom to relocate.

Research the best doctors for Chronic Lyme Disease sufferes in the world and then call them and ask if they'll see you. Use some of that nest egg for a trip/hotel, see the doc and find out if A) they'd take you on as a patient. B) You'd feel comfortable having them treat you C) what course of treatment they suggest. Then research that treatment and see if it sounds like the best one. Repeat this until you've found the person you know will make you better and see the fuck out of that doctor.

Sadly there isn't really a karma referee who has a great big pile of awesome and it's just a matter of time until you get it. Of course you can always make your own pile of awesome. I know it's way easier to say than to do, but try to stop worrying about the time you've lost to your illness and focus on how to keep it from getting any more.

It's possible you're the sickest person here, but you certainly aren't the most crazy. You'll have to try a bit harder if you want to alienate us.

@singularity - It sounds like you're at least trying to keep the right frame of mind. I'm sorry things are so rough for you and your partner. Does she have anyone who isn't you that she can talk to about this stuff? It sounds like she could benefit from a therapist. At least just to get through this trauma.

As for me... work has been kicking my ass all week. My daughter leaves until Tuesday tonight, which is good because I'm pretty mentally fried at the moment, but still... 5 days. :-( I'm on call until 9am Wednesday. That means my phone can ring at any time with a major shit-storm. I'm only on call for one week every three months, but I never sleep well while I am. It is going to be a looong (and sober... did I mention I need to be sober?) weekend.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

ScottBieser — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 14:17:30 -0700

@Rachael -- Thanks for taking the trouble to think about my problem and offer a solution. I suppose I could slot in a big fat graphic across the top of the page, and this would solve the layout problem for maybe 75 percent of the pages, but there are others with partial (and one full) bleed and that makes things more complicated. Also, the readability problem is a big enough problem by itself.

I'm printing the book through Lulu now, since I need to have some copies soon, but still pondering longer-term solutions.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

razrangel — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 18:31:58 -0700

Fuuuuuck. Just broke the screen on the good laptop. Goddammit. I'm drowning in debt; I have few resources, almost no redundancy (just my own laptop which I hate using because it's such a piece of crap), desperate for any kind of income and now the primary way I have of keeping up and looking for work/resources/my whole fucking life is a big SNAFU.

Dammit dammit. I don't have the money for a replacement screen. And I sure don't have the skill to replace it.

FUCKING HELL. Ugh what do I do. I'm such a shithead. dammit. So desperately hoping today would go in a better direction. fuck

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Alan Tyson — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 18:44:28 -0700

@razrangel You're not a shithead. Bad things are happening, yes, but it's not down to you or your character as a human being. No need to make it worse by thinking so.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

razrangel — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 19:23:26 -0700

I appreciate that. I just hate that I've been laying about wrecking my life through lazy, undisciplined bullshit and then I tried to get up and move around today, cross a few things off the to-do list and promptly knocked the thing down. It's entirely my fault and all because I'm careless. I somehow kicked my own self in the gut (and took my mom's computer with me).

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 19:30:58 -0700

@ all. whoa..seems a lot going on..will read everyones posts proper..

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

dorkmuffin — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 20:38:21 -0700

@Rachael,

I work on the marketing side of healthcare so take this with a grain of salt.

But my job is to pay a LOT of attention to social networks for people suffering from chronic diseases, especially rare ones. I know it may be an effort to join a second social network, but there are a bunch of groups out there comprised of people with shared experiences for you.

Found this yesterday doing work research:
http://www.chiarisupport.org/

There are more, I'm sure. In general, overall chronic illness forums might be a good resource for just venting to people who have similar experiences.

ALSO (another product of work research), here's chronic illness cat.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 21:37:57 -0700

@ all.I know there is no sobbing out loud on Whitechapel..yet fuck!! When i look at all the amazing art,photography,way you guys can debate in a fashion i feel out of my depth in i stick you on a pedestal.I really do.
I think "That may have been me if i'd not led such a life of squalid debauchery".
I'm scared to enter threads i know nothing about.To be honest it's a miracle i've even got a laptop intercrap thing together.
Yet when i read peoples stuff here it breaks my beating heart.It really does..

I suddenly realise we are all homo sapien.
At the end/beginning/middle of the day we are all just flesh and bone.Animals with a amygdala in their brain things.

I too was thinking how shit it is for people in the states when it comes down to healthcare.Frackin' disgusting!!
Much as i dis' the N.H.S they did save my life about 9 years ago.And i wouldn't have the care and treatment i've got at the moment with my final detox.

@Rachael: I was cooking some breakfast earlier today in my kitchen and wished i could sliver down the net of filth to help you in someway.I was talking to a cool lady friend,who has serious health issues,about what your going through and even she felt for you.You are one brave and wicked person and it just gets to me that you have to travel to get help.Lousy american corperate greed fueled healthcare..please excuse me yet it's something that has had me pissed off for years.

I've suddenly got that awful feeling of "I brought all this shit on myself.Hepatitus c,heart trouble,fooked legs,deep vein thrombosis etc cos i used"..and c'mon..who has never thought that about drug addicts and alcoholics? I mean..really..really..shit,man, i see other fuck ups and think it myself.I hate whiny ass junky self centred droning boring addicts at times. I judge the crap out of them.And fookin pissheads..i detest their utter shite ways.At least a junky can nod off but drunks..all in your face as if they are so clever and..poor,rich..whatever, they can be the most nasty and bitter twats available on the side stall of humanity.

Pissed off with NA!Hate the god thing.Everytime i hear "loving god" we want to cripple out from the depths of the inferno and give daddy a god shafting.Honest..met some really nice people but there is always a fucktard wherever you go in life.Always..well,apart from here,unless it's me and NOOOOO!!!I'M SHIT!!!
Bloody disease of addiction..i'll show em a disease when i turn in a meet in a few hours.Get them all zombots!!I actually mentioned freakangels out loud a few days back..the look on their faces..pricks.out of space.internet explorer stopped working.cig time.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Comicbookbunny — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 22:31:47 -0700

@Rachael
I think one of the things that makes life so hard are the things that are afflicting you out of your control, things like that used to drive me crazy. (i empathies with the illness front- tho not having something as debilitating as yours I was bed ridden for the better part of a year and have been through several surgeries- i had to crawl up loads of drs asses to find out what was finally wrong with me)

Not sure if it will help, but one day after being stuck in a very deep depression I went "Fuck you world" and decided to be happy at it as hard as I could.
I would do everything in my power to make sure there was fun in my day no matter what (like the crickets!!!<3) If it doesn't make me happy or those I love and care a bout happy it is not worth my time. For all we know life is short and this is all we have so try and make it the best we can for ourselves and those we care about.

Keep at it, get up in life's face and poke it in the eye, don't let it get to you- make it your bitch. Do what you need to do for a smile and you time. Also the boot to dr's asses and keep going till you find one to help.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

nelzbub — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 13:55:09 -0700

Gonna have a small rant of my own,
I'm having a little email argument with one of my oldest friends, part of which comes down to him being unhappy at having picked up the lion's share of the tabs the last few times we've seen each other. Now I hate having to rely on friends and would never do it if it could be helped but we're referring to one instance when I spent a couple of months wages to fly to vietnam to visit him for a month and then ran out of spending money in the last week and he had to see me through to the end. I felt pretty rotten about it but fuck I'd do the same for him were the tables turned and at the time and for the place he was earning a relative mint so I didn't think he'd harbor a grudge over it.
The more recent time he was over to visit me here in amsterdam. I was really looking forward to seeing him but due to being pretty skint(for reasons I'll go into in a moment) I was kind of hoping we could just spend the week chilling and not going out too much. Sadly as is often the case when my friends come to amsterdam he seemed well up for the party, and not wanting to be a boring old git we spent the next few nights out drinking and smoking and did a night at a friends club which inevitably led to him getting the taxis and more than his fair share of beers in. Again I felt bad but as he was instigating the party and knew quite how financially fucked I am I hoped he would let it slide.
So quite how financially fucked am I?
well.
January this year I discovered, five minutes after having booked a non refundable flight to the states, that i'd lost my passport.
an expensive mistake to make and let that be a lesson to those who don't already know. never book a flight without yr passport in front of you.
My next disaster came when my home gardening project, which I've slowly spent years quietly building to a point where I could begin to hope to earn a modest monthly income was interrupted by the authorities. Now there are a lot of worse places for this to happen to someone and the penalties were relatively small, but lawyers were expensive and I was also wrongly accused and fined for stealing electricity, which I hadn't done but after coping for eight weeks with the meter removed from my house, hence no lights, no heat, no hot water I had little choice to pay the stupidly massive fine- five times the amount I had to pay for the growing offense- in order to get some lights back in my house.
During this period I had to make a couple of expensive trips back to the island for weddings and funerals and such.
I've had to borrow a large sum from an old friend to deal with the legal shit and also had to do a few things of a much more dubious legal nature in order to try and dig my way out of the shit.
Spiral of criminality anyone??
So now I'm back where I started in amsterdam working the minimum wage coffeeshop shifts which, I won't lie to you is not a bad job at all, but let's just say I'm not working at the most financially rewarding end of the drug trade!
All of this my friend is well aware of and I struggled not to get the right hump at his snarky e-mail tone. I've known him so long that I expect a frank exchange of views will be all it takes to sort out and so I'm not too worried about that even though a little put out by a few other subjects of out current disagreement.
the thing that put me in a right spin was that during the course of my thinking about money I made the mistake of adding up my avoidable financial losses for this year

10,000 euro

fuck....

what a barrel of monkey spunk!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 20:41:59 -0700

I always seem to come on here when it's quiet..

4.a.m..migraine from hell.I've just reduced my meds(suboxone) another 1mg..so now i'm just down to 2..shit..i'm gonna be ill this week..that a 33.3333333333333333333 % reduction..i hope i can take it.i got voluntary work on tuesday and will go no matter what state i'm in..it's now a matter of pride.

I realised i was doing too many NA meets and to be honest they where starting to piss me off..judgemental people telling me i shouldn't share this,that what i was saying was not "NA related' ,even people saying i should dress a bit smarter and have a shave..freakin' users who've never taken junk..there are a lot of people who,in my opinion,seem to go for the wrong reasons..just because they are lonely or too lazy to venture forth into the world of reality.They say when you start to do 90 meetings in 90 days..since March i've done something like 150 or more,,i no longer know..
I have this reputation at meetings for saying my mind no matter what..if i see something going on i don't like i will confront it..i've seen some truely awful behaviour..men and women praying on new,vulnerable addicts..there is this one twisted creep it got so bad i confronted him for a fight! And,Whitechapel,i'm not a cunt..i don't go round hitting people but i most definitely am not a pacifist..not any more..he backed down but i can't sit in the same room as him..and there is this crazy damaged woman..she's a stand up comedian..i bet she's shit and i am tired of her sad flirting.it's like trying to deal with a mongoloid child..

I've met a few really bright,talented people who i will miss.Don't get me wrong..i'm still going to do the programme but i'm just going to limit myself to a few weekend meetings.
i'm too ill to keep getting the bus and the tube every day to Notting Hill and Ladbroke Grove..
Just need to get my head down and continue with this hellish detox.

Got me little certificate for access to college..cool..can't wait to try something new..but my legs being done in is always going to be a factor so i better not jump the gun..strange expression..

I hope if you are reading this that life is treating you as good as it should..bastard life.

Whitechapel..i salute you!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 21:04:53 -0700

@AlanTyson, RenThing, TriniNaenae, Flecky -

Aw. Thanks guys! Whitechapel is awesome.

@Sell Me Your Soul -

Really, my roommate angst isn't that angsty, and not that bad. i mean, I like the guy, and part of me was really thinking that it'd probably be just as nice for him as it would be for me to have different housemates, just as a compatibility thing. I'm six or seven years older, and that changes things. The bottom line is that it's his lease, and his apartment. I had been trying to determine if I was being unreasonable, but regardless, I'm the one who'd have to leave, and it's difficult to leave an apartment with people you know that's cheaper than anything else you can find with strangers.

Finding doctors... I've got an appointment at a teaching hospital next week, so they might like to really delve into my Lyme Disease, i'm hoping. i've also got an appointment with a Lyme-knowledgeable rheumatologist, AND a neuro-opthamologist. i've been relying on a lot of New Yorker Magazine "BEST DOCTOR" recommendations, and cross referencing it with online reviews. If the Chiari doctors here don't pan out, I'll head to Chicago. There's a Chiari center there, too. As of now, I've got to wait for my Medicaid to kick in so I can go to the doctor I have my eye on - a fellow in Princeton who specializes in Chiari, and much like The Chiari Institute, he doesn't take any major insurance... but unlike The Chiari Institute, he takes ONE INSURANCE: Medicaid. Ha ha ha ha! This has been my plan as of three years ago. It's just... taking for fuckiing ever, and nobody is going to operate on my brain while I've got Lyme Disease. In fact, it's probably goihng to be far more difficult to get taken seriously about Chiari with a history of Lyme.They are often mistaken for each other. The one thing I have in my favor is hat i'd been given a spinal tap to test for Lyme a year before I was infected.

@ Dork Muffin -

I LOVE CHRONIC ILLNESS CAT. I've shared him with a few people I know.

I've looked at some of the Chiari support groups, and I've found a few through facebook, but there is a lot of fighting at the moment about how reliable The Chiari Institute on Long Island is, and it seems most discussion devolves into bickering about specific surgical procedure (like whether it's irresponsible to cut through the muscle, whether to extend the dura, or just make more skull room, how large the incision is, if "tethered cord" is even a real thing or not, etc). Strangely, my first boyfriend had Chiari surgery right before I met him in highschool, and I every third person I meet knows someone who had the surgery. It makes me think that it's not so rare, and that it's... an evolutionary growing pain in that our skulls aren't always big enough for the brain increase. It'd explain all that ancient trepanning going on.

@Singularity Jones -

While i'm sure it's not really a comfort, your description of yourself and your partner in the waves was wonderfully put. I'm going to use that inside my head. I guess sometimes you've got to let yourself sway with the waves and not fight them for a while, even if you end up obscured from all view.... if you're going to ever have the energy to find and grab tight to your partner til the storm ends.

By the way, a month or two ago, I'd heard an interview with the owner of this shed, and it made me think of you: http://www.songsfromtheshed.com/ (i want a shed to escape to)

@Comic Book Bunny -

Yes. Yes yes yes. I do completely and totally understand that. The consious choice to be happy, to say FUCK YOU, YOU DON'T GET TO RUIN MY WORLD! and just smile and be jubilant about ANYTHING, well... that's kind of how I work it. It's kind of why people think I'm kind of... simple. Easily amused. Because I am. Because I have to be. Because I will find something, ANYTHING to make my day be awesome. I will cling to small stupid things and make them important, if they are positive.

EDITED TO ADD...

@flecky - going to school is AWESOME! And you just get a certificate and you can GO?! Goodness. That's really amazing. I've got no idea why I'm going to school (aside from the health coverage), but it's really nice to use your brain for something. Once you start, you'll realize how all these imbeciles have degrees. It's really not that hard to get a degree. It's just time consuming. Then agaIn, the American educational system is probably far below most industrialized nations.

Are there no meetings closer to where you are? I used to go to NA meetings with friends (they had to as part of probation, so I went with them) and it was amazing the kind of bullshit in there.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 21:27:18 -0700

The pain has faded to a not-agonizing level. I was feeling better today in body and mind, and rather cheerful.

Today on facebook:

Me - Dear self: thank you for being such a crazy pill hoarder. Finding that forgotten stash of antibiotics has lifted the doom these past two days. Finding ANOTHER stash once those few pills were used up is fucking amazing. HOORAY for FLAGYL and CEFTIN and KADIAN! Anyone have a fast online Canadian/Indian pharmacy to recommend?

Friend I've not seen/talked to in 15 years - Instead of pills, try a better diet and outlook on life. And get a job, you have far to much free time on your hands.

Me - Wow. I don't think I could possibly mean it more when I say: FUCK YOU. If I ever run into you you'll be lucky if I don't spit in your face.

This is why I have few friends, and no family to speak of.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 23:12:01 -0700

@ Rachael: I just woke from an exhaustion fuelled mini kip on me bed..i'd forgotten to log off but so glad i didn't..because there you are!!
So happy you seem to be in a better mind frame.Good on ya kiddo!!
I hate face book...and i've never even been on it! When people go on about it i feel sick..the degraded sexual exploits people have used it for..hooking up in seedy hotels with strangers for a quick lonely bit of despair fuelled shagging..
I have no intention of ever going near it..the day it happens is when Midnighter starts sleeping with women..does he? Ahh..it's only a comic! Only a comic!!How dare i!!!
That "friend" on it..i've already found 'em for you.Got "it" tied up in my dungeon of torture..was having so much fun playing with a old rusty syringe i found in the gutter the other day..am currently trying a new diet of rat shite on it..at the early stage of torture it refused to eat but now it's loving it..can't get enough.
I removed one of its eyes and said "How's your outlook on life now you little shit!" I was tempted to fook the socket but will leave that for my goat to do..
I've given it a job to do too..it's quite easy aswell..all it has to do is read the bible backwards and if it makes a mistake i kick it in a open gash wound.
I also noticed it had far to much free time on its hand so,being a gentleman, i removed it..with a chainsaw..unfortunately free time is not a physical construct and i accidently removed all of it's digits..blood everywhere!! It was really funny!!
oh..i forgot..i coughed up a 50 roll up fag horrible green ball of spit and placed it on it's forehead..it's now hanging of it's nose...
If you want me to indulge in any more fun please let me know..i'm always wide open for suggestion..
He He HE HE.SHUT UP FACE BOOK FOOKA He Ho Ho He...gasp!!!

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

badbear — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 01:11:51 -0700

@Rachael
That person is clearly a giant, gaping arsehole of the highest magnitude.

I'm glad you're feeling more positive. We may not know each other but I've been thinking of you. An old friend of mine who looks like stan lee but isn't said once that you have interesting years and boring years and it's the interesting ones you've gotta look out for.

Eventually you'll have a boring year, don't you worry.

I hope you continue to feel better and that the appointment next week goes well. Long term illness is the fucking worst.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

texture — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 04:24:33 -0700

@Rachel @icelandbob @everyone

BIG HUGS!

I recommend one of these:

I have definitely been a lot happier since this wee guy came into my life.

Thinking of you all, big love.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

JP Carpenter — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 04:44:45 -0700

@Rachael - that site is fab, thank you! Also, small world entirely, but there are a couple of people on there I knew from living in Winchester, which made me go 'squee'.

Also - Facebook arsehole is arsehole. Your response was neat though...

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

nelzbub — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 13:54:41 -0700

well this isn't good news:
Dutch government to reclassify strong marijuana as a class A drug
Yet another lurch to the right from the dutch.
And then :
Feds give California marijuana dispensaries 45 days notice

damn my foolish optimism.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

ScottBieser — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 21:05:34 -0700

@Rachael -- that friend you hadn't talked to in 15 years wasn't Herman Cain, was it?

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

mojokingbee — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 23:32:37 -0700

Well my week wasn't too shabby. Work's busy again and learning to dislike Mondays again but whatever money. Busy work means a little less energy afterwards for the fun stuff so will need to monitor that. Not nearly as much comic pages done this week as I would like. Finished up with a mini exhibition and not a single bite..onwards. Weekend was awesome with an annual music festival in the Valley which I didn't attend because there was a zine fair and live music at the community radio I volunteer in so fun times to be able to cut loose with the sketching.
Next week's a launch party for a local comics anthology that I was a part of so it'll be nice to finally meet the people I've been working with...just gotta get through the work week and then rush to the next city for it. Wishing I get a less sucky hostel than the last one...some people actually want a hostel to sleep instead of party central.
Game On even if my gaming time is a little neglected...

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Pooka — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 04:57:55 -0700

Hi everybody! I haven't been here in a long time boys and girls, but you are ever in my mind...:P (well...i just got a new laptop so now I have actual access to the internets besides my crappy driod)
So...since I last posted here, my life's changed dramatically. I moved to Lexington, a very interesting little city, and am starting to become friends with the local artists/actors/ musicians/ writers/ other creative types. For about a year, I helped operate a comic book store here in lex, but after a series of crappy business partners, we sold our percentage and started selling vintage and modern toys and comics online. So...ya know warren, if you allow me to, I'll link the hell outta my site in appropriate threads here once we get everything squared away. :P
I decided in my spare time to start hosting small creative arts events. My first event was our first Free Comic Book Day here. It went really well and we all had a lot of fun. I had Scottie Watson, Billy Tackett, Mark Kidwell, and R D Hall as my guest creators, and we had a couple of adorable volunteer cosplay models as robin and supergirl. I even spent an hour or so dressed as a Red Riding Hood. It was fun as hell, so I got together with an actor/director friend of mine and put on an art and cinema show at a bar in town. It went down well and we made some money with a charity auction for The American Cancer Society. I talked to my art guests, and we decided we wanted to do another show in December called "Lexicon: Drink and Draw!", that focuses on my artists...so any artists around Kentucky that want to get involved, send me an email at s.arnett80@gmail.com and I'll take a look at your stuff :).
My last show was purely for charity. I didn't make a dime for myself and it was all put on for free. This time I'm hoping to be able to pay my DJ, my celtic music performer, the bar, and my partner in advertising plus a few bucks left over for my time and trouble. Hopefully my artists won't mind paying out a small percentage of their take for the night this time.
I've also started a few artistic projects of my own. My ex girlfriend of mine wanted me to ink a webcomic for her, so I'm doing that as a distraction. If we get some of it finished I'll post pics. I'm painting a bit, and I may be helping with some local film projects, either acting, makeup or props, depending on who and what actually follows through. I'm debating on trying my hand at singing, and am working up the courage to try some karaoke. I have a number of musician type friends now and I miss being able to play an instrument (arthritis got too bad. I used to be a percussionist)
All this and I still spend most of my time lying about the house, doing the daily domestic tasks I gotta do, or helping my business partners in our every day errands. I get bored a lot, so I'm constantly trying to find projects to get in to that don't overly tax my already painful and energy draining condition.
Something I get to look forward to in the future: Once my business gets off the ground, we're going to start attending conventions around the country, So I'll be working along side alot of you creators and collectibles merchants again. :)

So...not so much of a rant, as an update and an optimistic listing of my current endevours. we'll see how it all developes, and how much ranting I get to do later on when these plans fall apart :P

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

flecky — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 13:43:35 -0700

lost it earlier...smashed the shit out of all the rubbish the fuckin £*&^! filth leave on the second floor of my council block! Animals!!

Then picked up a bin and empied it and threw it at the door at this creep i want to die who i met at NA meetings.

If i don't get beat up or nicked soon i will be amazed..

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

Alan Tyson — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 14:13:07 -0700

Pooka, hey! Good to see you 'round these parts again.

OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Sept 30th - Oct 6th)

razrangel — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 14:29:39 -0700

Been some 12 hours of weird dreams and feeling out of sorts. Plans didn't come together so I slept in a friend's house with no friends in it; in a friend's bed where the friend was next door for the night. I have a working laptop now (though it is a bit old, it still has my old POS machine beat for speed, now to add programs I need), and it's a hand me down from a guy who decided to come in and solve my computer problems because he's a sweetheart and not because he knows me particularly well, and anyway he's had this machine for a while from a mutual friend who no longer lives in the state.

Moved the rest to the current spleen venting for Oct 9-20.