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  1.  (10248.1)
    A novel actually-on-time threadstart, for a start. GAZE UPON MY TIMELINESS.

    Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough Week.

    Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

    I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.2)
    I want my brother to stop being such a git when it comes to our family. His relationship with my parents is pretty much non-existant baring the occasional potshot he takes at them when he can. He's an otherwise good guy, straightened out after a really rough set of teenage years, and he's one of my best friends but the way he acts towards our parents makes me want to choke him (which would go poorly for me since he's Army-trained and essentially gorilla-shaped).
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.3)
    I feel entirely silly and childish for having started an argument in the Occupy Wall Street thread yesterday because I was offended over a word and began arguing emotionally as a result. I am sorry Whitechapel (particularly James Puckett, against whom I was originally lashing out against, and Rachael, too, because she made good points). I know Whitechaplains are better than to argue emotionally when they get butthurt.
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.4)
    Argos, it's a big issue with you, and a lot of us recognized that. No need to apologize over such a thing.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.5)
    Thank you. I'm glad that even with the whole argument/debate being such as it was, everyone was still being reasonable, which is why I love WC and keep coming back.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.6)
    Hey Whitechapel.

    It's 6.45 pm in the Bush,London.

    As per usual i'm having yet another heedfook day.

    I did two NA meetings.One was really good. I shared that my higher power is "A eight legged snarling entity that exists somewhere beyond the multiverse.It is a fickle dark god that only comes to me when i'm deranged from suffering.It consumes my pain like a rabid dog and and comforts me as it takes stock to move onto the next lost soul"

    I thought everyone would just think it's me doing my usual bizarre shareshit yet a couple of cool addicts laughed and afterwards a few good women said they understood where i was coming from.

    The next meeting i did i shared that god is a fooka,that i am a pervert and a piece of filth..it felt good,man,peachy keen.

    Now i'm sitting on my bed with a foul headache from the sun going nova..I got the curtains drawn,candles lit,joss sticks burning and Bab 5 on me old T.V.

    I was in such torment earlier i had to take some ibupfofen and 10 mg of diazepam..i got to be careful with that shit as i don't want re-activate me benzo habit.

    I got a bad gut so am drinking de-tox tea which actually seems to help a bit.

    Got one of my best mates coming round who is killing himself with the booze.He really wants to stop so i'm going to give him a few meds to help.

    The rest is up to him.No matter what i say it will make no difference.If i put any emotional input into him it will be only me who gets hurt.

    @ government spy: How is it going? I've been thinking of you and hope you are coping.

    Later dudes.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.7)
    @Argos

    The fact that you would apologize, let alone think about doing so, is the reason why *I* keep coming back to WC. Your post here is an example of how adult and respectful we can be here and I, for one, appreciate that. Thank you.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.8)
    i am also unhappy and in constant pain/discomfort like everyone else but blaaah that is besides the point; this morning my cat jumped off the kitchen counter and landed in her food bowl and made a big mess. i was already late for work so i didn't clean it up. serves her right. it's like living with a fuzzy time bomb, YA KNOW?! ARGH! Blaah, I wanna play Batman City already, ughhhhhh
    god bless
  2.  (10248.9)
    @ Argos - I liked the debate. I like to debate. I didn't see is as an argument, and I liked the opportunity to be informed of how someone who is far more connected to the immigration issue sees things, even if it IS an emotional reaction. Emotions are what tend to spurn these things on. I'm sorry if I went too ranty in my response.

    As for myself, the past 24 hours have been a blur of "yay!" and "fuck!" I finally got my proper Drivers License for the first time since 2000 (don't let your license expire, it's a pain in the ass). I bought myself a pair of sneakers and a new small purse, and ordered a new phone (for free!) to replace my crazy one. And then I came home to find one of my roommates had drank my two fancy beers. He proceeded to lie to me about it and make up a story about how his guest had opened mine instead of his, even though there was nothing BUT my beer in the fridge, and the other roommate was witness to the evening and confirmed that his tale was bullshit. He tried to convince me that the OTHER beer of mine was actually HIS, and when I asked to see the bottles, because I remembered purchasing it visually, both my empty bottles of beer were under the couch. Which I had to retrieve. And which he blamed on the kitten.

    This is just one more in a loooooong line of small lies. I'm particularly offended that he chose to wait until I was in the bathroom and then tell me how he'd drank my beer "by accident", so that he needn't worry about looking me in the face while lying to me.

    I can't fucking live with someone who keeps lying to me right to my face, or behind a door. It's a completely disrespectful. And it happens all the time. But I have nowhere to go.

    So now, I'm... up in the air. Wishing I could have afforded to take one of those other places, wondering if I'll move somewhere far away come winter, wondering how bad an idea it would be to rent my friend's car from him while he's got a license suspension for three months from a DUI, and feeling frustrated that I'm trapped staying in the area so that I can take my classes that I'm being told I probably will have to withdraw from.

    Also, the beach house owned by my family which I used to live in, and which I asked to use this weekend... isn't going to happen. I asked in JUNE to pay and rent the house, but I'm being jerked around. I'd thought that asking over four months in advance to rent the house would earn me the respect that they give strangers, but I was wrong. I was trying one last time and my family has proven that I don't get treated like anyone else.

    I might have gone through with visiting the shore anyway, since the music festival with Portishead, Reggie Watts, Mogwai, etc is going on this weekend which was the incentive, but my old best friend who I hoped would join me is busy. I might run into some friends there, possibly, but I don't want to be staying there if my stepmother is doing maintenence all weekend... and I'd be alone for the most part, and I'm really tired of being alone.

    The solitude of my life is wearing on me. I'm so tired of my life. Things keep changing, and seemingly progress, but nothing gets better. This probably sounds like a stupid thing to complain about, but... nearly ever person I reach to in hopes of friendship ends up hitting on me. I don't want anyone to touch me unless they want to keep me. I want... people to trust. I want people to enjoy my company without feeling like it's just an attempt to get in my pants.

    One of my few old good friends asked me yesterday if I'd come up and visit her and "help them set up" a website. Which means, she wants me to make her a website for free, while they hover over my shoulder and dictate what they want, but she's trying to do it slyly. Just another depressing reality. Instead of just asking upfront, I'm being played. Used. And this is the friend my broke-ass self gave $800 to when she got married over the summer.

    I'm in that state of confusion that keeps me from leaving the apartment, stuck in thought, like a rat in a cage, caught vacillating between tear filled eyes and hands shaking in furious anger. At everything. The stress of my life is making sick, and I don't know how to make it lessen. I'd like to move away to the country, and I am in the unique position of not having anybody, which could allow me the freedom to start over somewhere.

    That is, if it weren't for my health issues. If it weren't for the fact that I need to get my brain/spine fixed. I'm always thinking about what i'm going to do when I get my surgery, where I'll live, who will possibly take care of me when I'm bed ridden for weeks or months, how I'll eat, who would bother to visit me.

    And I'm so painfully lonely already, I don't know if I could go somewhere new.

    I really do wish I could erase myself from the history of existence at the moment.

    I really do wish I had anyone I could really trust.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.10)
    You weren't too ranty. It really was a case of my emotions getting the best of me and feeling I couldn't defend why I found the term offensive. But I mean, that's how strongly I feel about it, I get so emotional I just have to completely step out of the debate to clear my head.

    Sorry to hear everything you're going through. That feeling of loneliness always sucks, wondering who will be there to take care of you, who you can trust. I hope you can find that sooner rather than later. ((hugs))
  3.  (10248.11)
    @flecky thanks for thinking about us.

    Just got off the phone with my old lady. She's off meds, headed out of detox into a regular room tomorrow. I have to go to a group session/orientation tomorrow, she wont be there, but I get to see her on Sunday.

    Yeah, I'm quitting drinking, but not doing it overnight. Haven't had a drink myself all day, kinda rationing myself off.

    The local convenience store orders my cider special; I'm the only one who drinks it. So I promised to buy what they have left, and when that runs out, so do I. They did me a favor by ordering something special for me, I'd hate to leave them stuck with something nobody else wants. I think that'll work out ok.

    She seems to be doing alright, she realized she'll be inside during my birthday. She's sad she can't get me a present. I told her that her taking care of herself is all I ever really wanted.

    Blood tests came back, she has no liver damage, and within reason, is fairly healthy. Doctors are impressed with how well she's doing.

    I'm only telling a couple people what's going on, and the few people she already told have talked to me. Friends of hers I've never met, but we know of each other, we're talking for the first time. We're find out out how many people are really worried about her, we've all seen different pieces of the pie, what she's kept hidden, and now we're all going to make sure we stay in contact and form a really good support network. For her as well as each other.

    Tomorrow, I'm going to find out a lot of my new responsibilities. What I can expect, for good or ill. Looking forward to it, and yet not.

    I do feel confident (not recklessly) that we can pull through this. I know the person I am in love with, she is there. I don't have to dig to find her. She's fighting to be free of this.

    Thanks again, for listening. Right now, I feel like I'm taking and not giving back, or what I have to give I'm saving for her, but I feel like I'm not making a good listener on this board. Hope that's ok.

    ETA: Oh, and whilst trimming my goatee down last night, to begin growing my beard back out, I accidentally shaved my entire head bald. So I have one days worth of head/beard stubble.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.12)
    @ Rachael Tyrell: Damn. You sound like your really going through it. Sounds like the person who nicked your beer is...i don't know...i'm tempted to say a bit of a cunt.
    The northerner in me feels like surfing the net and giving him a seeing to.
    I really don't know what to say.I got major health issues(which i guess everyone knows by now)...i know the fear of surgery...it can really make you feel isolated especially when you see other people not appreciating that they've got their health.
    you got me on this.Some days my legs barely carry me enough to get some food in.And the evil thing is i feel like i'm just full of self pity so i try to snap out of it and then realise that i got this damage for life and then the bloody despair sets in.
    And the existential lonliness...now thats a bastard. I found when i tried to fill the hole in my life with people it just made it worse.
    This is just my opinion.I'm a cynical loner and just trying to accept who i am.
    The crazy thing is when you want to make friends and try hard at it it doesn't seem to work and then when you give up and just be youself next thing you know you got people wanting to know you.
    You sound like a cool survivor..and you got a life..
    Don't mean to sound crass but i wish someone..well,not just anyone..was trying to get in my pants.
    Bugger!!
    Big hug from me too..
    •  
      CommentAuthortedcroland
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.13)
    Rachael: Drop me a line at tedcroland (at) gmail.com. Not to be too cryptic or anything, but I think we should talk a moment.

    Hope brainspill made you feel a bit better.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011
     (10248.14)
    @Gov't Spy, don't even worry about it. That's what the thread is here for, to spill everything you need to spill. I know I sometimes feel that same way were I'm taking and not giving back to the thread.

    Glad to hear your lady is healthy and has no liver damage, and that you're feeling optimistic about pulling through this. Sometimes that's what gets you through it all. Best wishes.

    @Flecky, it's always that way isn't it? When you reach out no one reaches back, and moment you stop everyone wants you. Funny that.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011 edited
     (10248.15)
    @ government spy: good on you.So happy your lady is on track...remember..ease down slow on that cider..drop a bit each day ..set a date if you can and set your heels in.And a support network is crucial..get it wherever you can..have you considered doing some AA meets? Yeah...i know...but i'm finding NA is helping me...even if i want to kill everyone in it a lot of the time...yet amongst the drudge of it all i've meet the odd diamond.

    He He..bit of a sad confession..it was watching Breaking Bad and the thought that i would meet some super cool chick that got me there in the beginning..cringe..o and the fact i'm a addict with a disease..ahh! The plague..i'm infected! Zombie attack!!
  4.  (10248.16)
    @ flecky - Thanks. Much like you, I seem to always be going through it. The beer thing in itself isn't such an issue, but I so rarely ever drink, and it's more an issue of respect and truth than it is of someone nicking my beer, k'now?

    the evil thing is i feel like i'm just full of self pity so i try to snap out of it and then realise that i got this damage for life and then the bloody despair sets in


    yeeeeaaaaah. There's always that. I've got this small pile of money from retroactive Disability payments, and I feel like I need to do something REALLY worthwhile with it, but... what? My health sucks and I don't have anyone to adventure with. I want to travel, but my Lyme Disease keeps coming back, and I need to find a doctor who will take me, because at this point I probably will need a month-long IV of antibiotics. My joints hurt. It's hard to climb subway stairs, and eating a fistful of almonds or something makes my jaw ache. The constant pain is... It's killing me because now, if I mention something to family, they say "yeah, once I turned 30 it was all downhill." But I've been like this since I was 12. The realization that since I'm now 34, I'm never ever going to know what it's like to feel young and healthy is... really daunting. I missed my chance. Completely. Just pain and further degredation of my nerves, vision, brain, and ability to take care of myself. What do I do? Should I be taking classes while my brain is malleable, or should I blow myself out with travel, and break myself doing it while I still have the physical ability.

    Don't mean to sound crass but i wish someone..well,not just anyone..was trying to get in my pants.


    Thank you for making me laugh.

    I think the notion of being frustrated at getting hit on, and getting told again and again that I look ten years my junior driving me utterly mad is in direct proportion to the seething resentment at having one (or twelve) of those "but you don't look sick" illnesses. Friends, when I try to discuss my fears at running out of time and ability and feeling terribly behind schedule, try to cheer me up by telling me that I look great for my age, that I'll still be "rockin it" when I'm 60. But my vision is slowly fading, everything constantly hurts, and I feel worse and weaker every year.

    I already can't have enjoyable sex without being on significant amounts of opiods, but I don't really want anyone to touch me since I shave my face everyday and have man stubble. I really don't give a fuck if I look good for my age.

    (sorry. I'm a bit extra-doomy this week,)
    • CommentAuthoricelandbob
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011 edited
     (10248.17)
    Evening there.....

    First things first...

    @Government Spy - I get what you're going through. the issue of a partner/family member trying to give up alcohol i've seen several time. It's not pretty but it's great you joining in with her.

    @lovelyrachæl - if he stole my fancy beers i would have made him eat the glass. End of. don't be tired of life always remember that there are people thousands of miles away who care and respect you. Almost make me wish i could move to NY/ New Jersey so you'd have somewhere to live...

    Now... Apologies for not putting any decent face time on the forum this week. For the reason is (like everyone else), i have been very busy. It's been an intense week for sure in this house. most of it has been a good instense feeling but right now my psyche is feeling piano wire tight.

    Most of this is due to putting myself under loads of lovely extra pressure by agreeing to half-write my papers up-and-coming piece for this years Iceland Airwaves music festival. Take today - I did 2 interviews with the bands Iceage and The Twilight Sad. Not a problem you think. and it isn't, if it weren't for the fact that i had to lie to my bosses at my regular job so i could go to the newpapers offices to do the interviews. And i have one more tomorrow. I currently have 6 interviews to type up.... by Monday.

    Oh and there's a nagging undercurrent in the house. There is NOW a real possibility that we may no longer be able to have kids the normal way.

    People who know me may know that we have been trying for a spawn of our loins for a while now. However we've had major problems as Sigga had one ovary
    ies removed last year due to a Dermoid cyst.

    But then several weeks ago they found that she had ANOTHER cyst on her remaining ovary. It was removed last week successfully, but at the cost to 25% of her remaining ovary. Sigga is going to see the fertility doctor in a couple of weeks, but she is convinced it's bad news as the doctor sounded really negative about her test over the phone, all while not confirming anything.

    So Sigga is on a major downer. I´m stressed and possibly on the verge of destroying something beautiful in life. Normally these feelings and emotions are temporary, but i am really dreading that doctors visit in a couple of weeks time...

    Apart from that, everything has been great!
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeSep 30th 2011 edited
     (10248.18)
    @rae, I...can relate to the lonliness. And although it may not help, I hope you have the knowledge that there are people who care about you a hell of a lot. And DAMN IT, next time I'm in the area we're spending a good amount of time together. You still owe me that breakfast, remember. :) Also I, Claudius. I think we need to watch it.

    @icelandbob I really hope the news is good.
  5.  (10248.19)
    @Rachael: Is is me, or are your friends being assholes? I'm so sorry you're having to put up with that crap. Also, being hit on by your guyfriends? Not cool. I'd be ranty too. Much more ranty. And I think I'd rather look old than feel shitty all the time. Guh. I stand in amazement at your willpower to keep going. You are one kickass chica, regardless of what you feel like.

    @Taphead: Sorry to hear about your dear cat.

    @Icelandbob: Major bummer. I hope the visit with the doctor goes much better than you're expecting it to.

    @Argos: I can understand getting emotional in those kinds of arguments. There's certain discussions I simply won't have unless I'm sure the person I'm talking to will be understanding, simply because I know I'm going to get emotional and I'm tired of getting burned as a result. It's not just a group of people that you're talking about, it's friends who are being affected by this. In a lot of ways, it's personal.

    @flecky: I've never had any desire to try any drugs, but you sure make it even less appealing. Best of luck with it all.

    @govspy: Glad to hear things are going well so far. I'm hoping it keeps going well.
  6.  (10248.20)
    You know, I come into this thread each week ready to post about things that are pissing me off, and realise that I really have nothing to complain about.

    All of you, remember that Whitechapel is full of people who are on your side.