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    • CommentTimeOct 1st 2011
    @rachael: Fucking hell. You deserve better from your family and your friends. Seriously.

    @government spy: Good for you and your lady that things are progressing towards better. I know it's still the early days, but I'm wishing you guys both endurance and patience. Getting sober is not fast nor easy, but I think you know that better than I do. Just... I wish the best for you guys.

    @taphead: I am sorry to hear about your cat. :(

    My October is a financial disaster. The bank screwed up my account changes and now I have 45 euros for the next three weeks. I guess I'll start moonlighting as a bartender again. It's either that or not fixing my bike, not getting the cats vaccinated, not buying food and not paying my bills. Of course, I can hope that they fix the cock up in less time than three weeks, but I'm not holding my breath.
  1.  (10248.22)
    Hello Whitechapel...

    @Argos - I've just read that thread and I don't think there's anything to apologise for. The whole discussion is thoughtful and respectful even if there is disagreement, and as other people have said, that's why this community works so well.

    @Rae - bloody flatmates... I don't miss having to live with other, non-family people, not at all. Hope you can sort something out soon.

    @kahavi - that sucks, hope you get it sorted.

    @Bob - really sorry to hear that, understand how painful that must be for you and Sigga. Although we've been so lucky with our girls , we've been trying for over a year and encountered problems and it's hard and I know how much strain it can put a relationship under. Sending good vibes to you both for the doctor. Cool about the rest of the stuff though...

    @Gov spy - glad you're making progress. Understand how it must be difficult to stop yourself to support your partner. One of the things that terrified me about admitting a problem with drink, when I did have a pretty bad one, was the thought of never being able to drink again. I don't think I could do that. I once picked up the phone to AA, at a time when I was really struggling and couldn't dial it because the thought of stopping was more terrifying than the thought of carrying on. A couple of years later and I was diagnosed with a depressive disorder and it kind of became clear that alcohol use was a symptom of that rather than the other way round and I slowly began to have a more sensible relationship with booze to the point where I can go for a long time without drinking and haven't been properly drunk in some time.

    @flecky - I've always avoided opiates like the plague because I'd always been petrified I'd like them too much. Your updates about methadone are kind of making me think I made the right call...

    I'm kind of bumping along the bottom. Partner is still in a total mess following her miscarriage - good days and bad, but too many bad at the moment. I'm trying, but I find it quite hard to stay patient and compassionate with her, as much as I want to be - some of the things she says upset me and I get angered sometimes that in her grief she seems to belittle what we do have in life, that it's not enough. I find it so hard to understand and accept how her desire for another child can take over her life to such a degree that it eclipses all else and becomes her whole focus. The tensions that we had over trying for another one in the first place surface and they're even more difficult to resolve right now. Every so often I'll have a burst of frustration and say something insensitive that really upsets her and sets us back further, and then I'll feel sick and guilty and ashamed for having failed to support her properly.

    Will just have to keep doing my best.

    In other news, am off work for the next week. This time, I'm really hopeful that I can relax properly (or as best as I can given the circumstances) without worrying about work too much. Last week in the office was totally mental, but have left with a manageable inbox. Which takes some weight off my mind. Am planning to try and sort a few domestic things out - have to go and see the doctor, and have to get the car serviced and MOT'd. And am just downloading the update to Reason 6, so want to spend some time learning that and making music. I have to build an animal hutch as the girls are getting guinea pigs. I'm not sure of the wisdom of this, given the fox population but have no choice.

    And in filthy news, I'd left a bucket of piss in the shed next door to my study and forgotten about it (it's so far away from the house that's a pragmatic move). I've just found a drowned, bloated mouse floating in it.

    I feel rather sick.

    Peace to you all.
    • CommentTimeOct 1st 2011
    @Rachael, have you checked out some of the online support groups for people with invisible illnesses? There's a whole host of people who refer to themselves as "Spoonies" based on this piece, written by a woman with lupus. There are a bunch of message boards, etc. devoted to this particular issue, and on the whole the invisible illness community is really supportive.

    Might be worth a shot?
  2.  (10248.24)
    @dorkmuffin - yeah, I regularly go to the butyoudontlooksick site and read the articles. They make me feel much better. I enjoy the comraderie, and it's nice to be reminded that I'm not just crazy, and that i shouldn't feel guilty for crapping out (like sitting all the way in the back of the hour long busride back to NYC after class, so that I can lay flat and rest my head so the brain swelling headache doesn't hurt so much). I suppose it might be good to find IRL interaction with people of that community, though. People who'd understand why I just can't make definite plans, and why I can't just do something last minute either. Bleh.

    @J0nCarpent3r - It's a rough position for you to be in, and a bit unfair for you. The child in question was both of yours, the family effected is the one shared by you both, so it's unfortunate that you are in a position that seems solely of the caretaker, instead of you guys helping each other through this. Of course, the problem is largely physical and chemical on your wife's part, so every emotion and loss that you are feeling is magnified in her brain by the hormones and the biological process gone terribly wrong. And all that would be further magnified by her biological clock demanding that she get in one last kid while she can. Biology often has such a cruel effect on our emotional states, no matter what our logic circuits try to tell it. Christ, I got my tubes tied a year ago, and i still get weird wistful urges. My point here is, this sucks for you, and you are not wrong for feeling perhaps put upon or frustrated. Your wife may not be physically capable of "moving forward" at the moment, which is nice, i guess, so that you needn't take it personally, but at the same time, doubly frustrating to deal with, I'd imagine.

    @ flecky & j0n - Methadone. So, last year I went to my pain management doctor, as I do. I had been on vicodin for a few years, but the Lyme Disease added to it all, and I was given morphine without hesitation. I asked my doctor, out of curiousity, about medical marijuana. He said it was just for people who wanted to get high. When I went back the next time, I asked about Marinol (the FDA approved marijuana pill). I mean, it's weed with the high taken out of it, supposedly. So, it seemed a happy medium. My doctor told me that he'd not prescribe it because when they drug test me (which they do, since I'm on narcotics) they'd not be able to tell if I were smoking marijuana all month because the THC would be in my system. He went on to say that there were things that would be much more effective for me regarding my spine and nerve pain, like METHADONE.

    Yes, my pain management doctor thought it would be wrong to give me weed, but will hand over morphine and methadone like it ain't no thang. Mother fucker.
  3.  (10248.25)
    aargh, typed a long reply to that and the internet eated it.

    @ Rae, yes it does suck and it's not a nice position to be in. You're right, the biological and hormonal factors are a huge influence here, and clearly I don't have those to contend with, which makes it harder to understand what she's going through. We tend to approach situations like this from the opposite perspective as well, I'll try and stay positive for as long as I can (like when the house flooded and I kept trying to insist that it wasn't that bad, while she insisted the world had ended, and eventually we met in the middle) while for her it's apocalyptic from the get go. That's not saying there was anything to be positive about at all in this, but I've tried to come from the position of 'we will get over this' where as hers is 'no we won't'. I know it's not personal, and that she's nowhere near in a position to move forward right now - I get frustrated because I just want the misery and despair to end and for her to be happy again then I get angry at myself for being impatient. We will get there, I think we're very strong as a couple, and we've got through a lot together, it will just take time and patience.

    #medicine - there's just so much crazy stupid in doling out morphine but not marijuana, but it doesn't surprise me. I think someone mentioned opium in another OM thread, but I keep thinking about the insanity of trying to eradicate the Afghan poppy harvest, with all the death and destruction that entails, while at the same time growing opium in Hampshire UK - there was a beautiful field of white poppies not a mile from where I used to live. We are truly fucked up as a species.
    • CommentAuthorbadbear
    • CommentTimeOct 1st 2011
    My heart goes out to you because in so many ways I've been in your situation myself... I spent about seven years or more in house shares and it is so hard sometimes even with people you do get on with. Compulsive liars are a whole other thing. I really hope you find a way to get out of there. The last thing you need if you're ill is the stress that comes with dealing with utter fuckwits. I've been there too.

    I got married a few months ago and my grandmother couldn't come to the wedding because she's 91 and pretty frail. We had planned a bit of a family gathering but had to keep putting it off and putting it off and it was finally supposed to be today. Yesterday afternoon she had a massive brain bleed. My cousin found her on the floor of her flat, cold and pale and in a pool of blood and they rushed her to the hospital and she's alive but she's not able to speak and we're not really sure how things are going to go for the next 48 hours.

    I feel unendingly guilty for not spending more time with her but there's fuck all I can do about that now.

    So I'm trying to keep a check on my thoughts. Stop negative thought patterns. Give myself a break. Stay strong. I don't like talking about this stuff with real people, I'm becoming so very introverted as I get older, so very private. And that's okay but it makes it difficult when I go to see her and she's all tiny and bony and I just want to look at her and hold her hand and not really do anything but I'm surrounded by my aunt and uncle and all their kids and all their partners and they're all looking at me and expecting.... something. I don't know. I don't know how I'm supposed to act or what I'm supposed to say. I just feel sick and I don't want to cry because then I'll get in a crying loop where I can't really stop and it's such a fucking useless thing to do. Crying. It's not really constructive.

    And I've had such a fucking awful day on top of that. I couldn't sleep so when I woke up early I just got my shit together and left the house to visit the hospital - a good hour's worth of travel to get across London and then another hour and a half to get up to where my family lives. The trains are utterly fucked because it's the weekend but I make the trip anyway, make it to Kings Cross and stand in a queue for twenty minutes and it's not until I'm supposed to be buying my ticket that I realise I don't have my wallet. I shit myself thinking I've been pickpocketed until I manage to get my husband on the phone and he tells me that it's sitting happily on the kitchen table the repulsive little cunt that it is. It takes me over an hour to get home again because by then the trains are even more fucked than they were before. Essentially I've spent five hours on airless public transport in an unseasonal heatwave with heavy bags and in a volatile emotional state.

    Times like this I wish I hadn't quit smoking.
  4.  (10248.27)
    My sister is currently having a bonfire on the beach with co-workers but I'm staying inside. I've had more than enough bonfires this year and it's too windy and cold anyway. There is an ad for an apartment to rent that I was hoping to check out, but the owners haven't returned any calls. Not too happy about that. Went to dentist, which was expensive, and well, as a result of a couple things, my mom and I are wondering how honest he is. Gonna have to get a second opinion. Bummer. Though, I did give a cute pharmacist my number. I doubt he'll call me, but it was fun to do anyway. Feel flirty and sexy and all that.

    For some reason, I'm a magnet for single fathers on okcupid. They seem very lovely, except that, well, I'm still trying to get to the point of living on my own. Among other things. My mom has been trying to go through the various boxes of stuff in the house, and old drawings of mine and whatnot. It's interesting to see the stuff I drew as a kid and see how it compares to my memories. Been thinking of putting some on tumblr, but I suspect I won't get around to all the scanning and everything.
    • CommentTimeOct 1st 2011
    @badbear- I'm feeling echoes of the guilt I had when my grandmother passed away, reading your post. I never got a chance to say goodbye, so if you want to see her, see her and deal in your own way. I don't think it shouldn't matter what your family expects of you.

    @rachael, flecky, jon, bob, every single one you on here struggling- I think it's redundant to say that we're all in this together. Much love to you all.

    Getting upset due to make-up seems like a luxury now. We have 4 dollars til Thursday, and still have at least 3 past-due bills. I'm going to have to cave in and ask my parents for help. I know they'll have no problem helping if they're able, I just ALWAYS feel guilty. My brother was somewhat of a dead-beat for a long time. He dropped out of school, moved out early, and eventually we never saw him unless he needed money that he may or may not have spent on beer. He got married and had kids and has straightened up for the most part. But there's still that lingering feeling of my parents expecting more out of me. They know I'm trying, though. And that I don't drink. So there's that.
    Other than money, I'm just treading water. And that's about all can hope for, for the moment.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 1st 2011 edited
    Hello there Whitechapel. I was reading everyone's posts and yet once again my laptop decided to go all HAL on me and tried to fuck me wanted to kick my ass into the cold vacuum so my eyeballs would pop out and give me another headache . Please don't be too harsh on me with my atrocious really can mess with my head and tell me to stop doing any creative writing..

    Thing i love about this site is that,bottom line,we all (hopefully) came here because we love Warren's work.His comic work has hit me in a way like no other writer.

    Seems like any title he has been working on has been magically kicked up the arse.

    His run on Thunderbolts was fucking awesome..i've read a little by Gage which didn't hit the spot..(sorry)

    What i'm trying to say is because of this common interest we are all equals.

    Anyhoo i thought i'd share my shit.

    It' nearly 6 a.m in the Bush, London. i think i got a little kip round about 1 a.m..I woke up around 2 slightly withdrawing from the opiates.

    I've just reduced my meds (Suboxone) from 4 mg to 3..thats a 25% drop so i expect to feel the burn later today.To be honest i actually feel up for the challenge..sometimes being a psycho pervert space cadet has its advantages.

    God dammit..i'm a irish-viking mean old bastard so game on ya fooka!!

    @oldhat: so glad you mentioned I,Claudius.I was just chating to a mate about it on me shit mobile phone(poor thing)..I remember watching it when i was about 13..14 and it really impressed me.John Hurt playing really want to see it again.Some dark shit in it..good shit!

    Fooksake..out of space. i hope everone is you lot..
  5.  (10248.30)
    One of the great things about America that hasn't quite been destroyed yet is that you can re-invent yourself when your career goes into the crapper. But the drawback is that starting a new career at age 47 is not as easy as it was at age 27. I don't have the energy I used to. I really do need that 8 hours of sleep every night, dammit, no matter that I'm behind schedule and desperately need to catch up. In fact, I don't really have time to be skulking around here either, so
    • CommentTimeOct 2nd 2011 edited
    @ all- sympathies for your troubles here's hoping for some lights at the end of your respective tunnels, and that they're not the lights of an oncoming train.

    @ Rachael- sorry to read of your woes, but especially regarding your doctor's attitude to the medical marijuana. I take it that yours is not one of the fourteen states where medical marijuana is available? If it is then I guess I would recommend a second opinion.
    I don't know if you know of the people at ? I regularly read their magazine and it is full of fascinating case studies and stories of lives turned around and, in some cases, saved by use of medical marijuana- as well as useful recipes for extracts and oils etc.
    Perhaps their web forum would be a useful source of information and support in this matter. I've met a few of the people behind it when they have come to Amsterdam for the cannabis cup and they seem to be genuinely decent people who are at the forefront of medical activism on your side of the water.
    I truly believe that opiates should always be the absolute last resort of pain management schedules and yet it seems that in many places they are the first tool out of the doctors bags. The dominance of the pharmaceutical giants really has much to answer for the misery they have caused worldwide. Just another player in the drug war.
    The medical marijuana movement in the states is growing rapidly and I am cautiously optimistic that when a sufficient number of states have MM legislation in place we will see a tipping point where the rest will follow suit. I think that it will be the tax money, more than the overwhelming medical evidence, that finally brings this about; which I find a little odd but really shouldn't be that surprising considering the vast sums of money involved.
    Change on this side of the water is all going in the wrong direction as far as I'm concerned which I won't go into too much for fear of being unable to get off my high horse, however I have heard some very interesting ideas regarding Cannabis Social Clubs from ENCOD-The European Coalition for Just and Effective Drug Policies, well worth looking into if these issues are of interest.
    Enough for now. Good luck to all.
    nice things for nice people.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 2nd 2011
    Whiteehapel. AAAAAhhhg+?>:P+}PO{JBKJI{{@@
  6.  (10248.33)
    @ nelzbub - Thank you!

    Um. I'd write more, but ....

    So, I''ve been getting low grade fevers and headaches again, the joint pain creeping back... and then I busted my ass when I shoudln't have and seem to have kicked it all up to high gear. It had been hovering around the "might have to pause to get up stairs" and "smiling or laughing or being to facially expressive hurts the back of my head" phases for the past week or two, but I'm suddenly back to the "cant-sit-upright-for-more-than-15-minutes-without-agonizing-pain" and "randomly breaking into sobs" state of Lyme Disease infection.

    This does not bode well for my trying to talk my school into letting me catch up in all my classes for which i still haven't recieved my books.

    It's a beautiful autumn day. The kind of day I've been waiting for all summer. I was supposed to be down the shore enjoying a music festival, but instead I'm whimpering and crying, angry at the fact that I was already sick with brain and spine issues when my family booted me from where I was living and sent me to live with an Aunt where I got infected within 2 months, and then spent the next year and a half in pain and mostly bedridden, and getting nothing but criticism for not getting my life together.

    So, I guess I'll go and spend the afternoon in an ER somewhere and hope they give me an IV of antibiotics.

    EDITED TO ADD: It's certainly not helping for me to be reading exactly how neurologically fucked Lyme Disease makes me on top of how neurologically fucked I already was, nor does it help to read how crazy Lyme Disease makes me on top of how crazy I already was. I do hope that they give me antibiotics and don't just send me to a mental hospital. I can't seem to stop crying or shivering.
    • CommentTimeOct 2nd 2011
    Well..... shit.... good luck with that.
  7.  (10248.35)
    So I got to visit my girl in rehab today for several hours.

    We talked about a lot of things and it was really good, she is doing well. Then I did something stupid.

    I asked her if she ever cheated on me. She was talking about her ex-husband, and how her drinking contributed to their divorce, 4 years ago, and how in the end she had cheated on him and that kind of ended things. So I asked her.

    Twice. Once, over a year ago with a co-worker of hers, a guy I also used to work with and hang out with. And once with an old friend of hers from back home, several months ago when she visited family back east. Both are people I have spoken to since they had slept together, with me being clueless.

    I am not possessive, or the jealous type. Once, I had, In an argument, accused her of sleeping around, it was in very bad taste, and I had no evidence that she was, I was just being a dick. Of course she was offended, even though I had no idea I was right.

    But now I'm left with this dilemma: she can't go through rehab alone. I am hurt and angry, and unsure if I want to stay in this relationship. I never should have asked this question. I'm her home. If I leave her while she is in rehab, she will exit this program homeless, and possibly without a job. I care more about her safety and sobriety than I care about our relationship. I still care about her, but I do have some self-preservation left within me. I don't know how much heartbreak I can take.
  8.  (10248.36)
    @ Government Spy :

    Good gawd, man. You are in a terrible position. Is it at all possible for you to attribute her cheating as part of the reckless behavior that comes with alcoholism? I'm not assuming it's possible, or true, or easy, but it might true, or be less terrible than any of the alternatives. I mean, she IS at least being honest about it, but I don't think there's worse pain than being cheated on.

    You are an amazing human being to still stand by her, my friend.
    • CommentTimeOct 2nd 2011
    @goverment spy that is the worst of situations. Do what is best for your sanity. Addiction is bad enough when it destroys one life don't let it take two.
  9.  (10248.38)
    (did post a bit of a question over on the other thread.... i'm just super pissed off right now. )

    i'm getting annoyed and disillusioned doing the make-up job. I've gotten stiffed twice in two days... for some reason people feel they don't need to fucking pay me. I'm tired of the "professional" photographers that know nothing about lighting and barely anything about their camera arguing with me about make-up, pissed as hell getting stiffed twice, both times also bringing the bonus of free wardrobe The first day was five models (hair and make-up) was supposed to be paid 260 and got paid 75 (my rate for one model......) the next day I got stiffed twenty bucks and I even provided free wardrobe AND drove the model and photographer around! AND on top of all this dealing with the drama and back stabbing the grabby photographers ect. This is MY FUCKING JOB. I have a prior obligation to work with the NY photographer and if the advertiser photographer contacts me- I will work for them but as far as that I am really thinking about quiting.
    Honestly I likely need to be more picky... I'm professional and know what I'm doing- I think sticking with those who actually know what they are doing will work out better. Real professionals. The other guys can have the "make-up artists" that work for TFP and need to build their portfolio and know dick all about highlighting and contouring.....
    Or i could just fuck it i'm done with the drama and such and just focus all on hats which is turning out to be much more satisfying and lucrative.
    • CommentTimeOct 2nd 2011
    @Gov Spy
    Fuck. That's just the worst, on top of everything else. I'm just going to second what Rachael said, because I don't know if there's anything I can add other than my sympathies. I'm so sorry.
    • CommentTimeOct 2nd 2011
    @Gov Spy, again with the "... Fuck." type comments. I'm not sure what I can add to the situation other than internet support, but I have that in metric tons. Sending the best of all possible vibes your way, man.