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  1.  (10248.41)
    @Govspy - that's harsh, really harsh. I'd echo what Rachael said, if there's any way you could come to see it as symptomatic of the alcoholism, but that can't be easy. I hope you can get through it making the decisions that are right for her and for you.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011
    @world: i'm so full of human error shit it's fucking pathetic.
    yesterday was a fucking nightmare of biblical proportions.I did a all "Yeah, i'm working step two..yeah,i'm in touch with my feelings bullshit".
    This freaky heatwave Soylent Green Charlton Heston put his vest on melted my skull matter.
    All posters of Final FANTASY level up STATS bang in me face at Shite tourist infected Earls Court used to be better when it was full of rentboys and crack ho's giving head in piss stinking basements while i was being all quiet with another loopy cunt smoking heavy gigling in a bathroom as some sad twat spurted his desperation into a balloon batter bag.Vanilla stench semen mixed with guilt dribbling from his pathetic steaming stump as he cried his way out the door and the ho opens the door with £ in hand happily saying "Result!"

    Fuck this sanitised city till its piss flaps hang like rotten cod stink fish wife from up north when the world was in black and white and all that was important was if you had a gob stoppa or some chipmunk crisps to ingest whilst fingering the village slappa.
    Some wanka has just rang me from NA..WHERE the fook is NA? Narnia? Nagamba? Nabastapataki?

    As we used to so delicately put it up when one lived in Swamp Thing/ Hellblazer 1987 land "Get ter fook!!"

    I was really junk sick through the night..snot pouring out nose..sneezing..yawning like a spastard..body on fire..walking round gaff like a generic t.v shite movie junky..Lord of The Flies..Talking pig on a stick!

    Feel a wee bit better now..meds have just about held me.
    Oh..I forgot the bloody alienation/isolation factor mixed with lust that seeing all the fit birds induced into my nethers..
    Sad old lonely wanker!!
  2.  (10248.43)

    again, can't repeat how much I appreciate all of you. All of my friends are her friends. So far I've spoken to my best friend, who is also her friend, and all he basically could say was "that's tough man, I don't know what to say that would be helpful. Call me if you need anything" which is a bit of a cop out, but yet I respect it because it's honest.

    I don't drive, so I spent almost two hours on a bus to get to rehab to see her today. A half hour visit, followed by an hour and a half of some guy describing the "road to rehab" and then another 2 hour visit. The last half hour of which was basically me crying and her trying to not make things worse.

    Then, I spent another 3 hours + on buses trying to get home because I'm too cheap for a 1/2 hr $40 dollar cab ride.

    I followed that up by a so far 6 hour 30 Rock marathon, interupted only by a couple of (small?) steaks, 4 slices of pizza, and half a bottle of my emergency Jameson's whisky, and 1 hour of Breaking Bad. I stopped drinking after I belched for a full minute and a half that felt like I vomited air, but nothing solid actually came out. I actually haven't a drink in several hours and decided to sit and think about things instead of escape.

    Then I wrote a letter to her.

    Nobody in my personal or professional life has my Flickr, so I decided to put it up there for the time being. I plan on taking it with me the next time I see her and reading it to her. It also gives me time to reflect on it for the next couple of days so that I can argue with myself until I decide that it is exactly what I want to say.

    Someone once said that the right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

    (Edit to add, yes, I paraphrased Jack Shephard from Lost, Zed from Terry Goodkind's novels, and directly quoted Tom Waits on purpose, and I turn 32 this coming Saturday. Happy Birthday to me)
  3.  (10248.44)
    Holy fuck.

    Alright, maybe it's just the emotionally erratic encephalitis talking, but... that letter got me all warm on the inside and damp faced on the outside.

    Beautiful. You lovely human, you.
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011
    Now I know there's no crying in Whitechapel so I'll just look the other way while I get this thing out of my eye. vile virtual hugs.
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011
    @government spy: You, sir, are a rare gem. I hope you know that.
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011 edited
    @GovSpy Wow...just. Wow. What a letter. What an amazing thing for you to do.
  4.  (10248.48)
    @govspy - That's a really beautiful letter. There's something about expressing feelings like that in writing that somehow feels more concrete and sincere than spoken words - my partner has written to me many times when she can't express something verbally and I treasure them all. Good luck to you.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011
    @GovSpy: yo! Not read your letter yet. Mate, the flecky has respect for you! And that shit don't come lightly..

    You and us..the Freakangels DetoxaZ..our stuff is the shit of legends!

    We kick our shit on the net! We don't give a flying fuck!

    We qualify for Grendels Bastards!

    Next time you blast out a bit of brill rock shit and get emotional we shall do a telepathic mind link and connect our psychoplasm on satellite 7 ALPHA.

    Agents of control will quiver as the hounds of fury let rip and anarchy shall abound in a glorious flash of purple static time spasm delerium!!!

    Keep up the astoundin' work and try doing as i on the volume of consumption.

    Can you get any meds for potential fitting?

    Fuck,man, your a goddamn stormtrooper!!!!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011
    @GovSpy:read your letter.I can only echo what everyone has said.All i'm worried about is that you said the rehab is only 30 days..sorry if i'm wrong.Only my opinion yet it seems not long.The problem with lot's of rehabs in this country (uk) is they just leave people to their own devices after rehab and once the safe environment is gone then the trouble starts..i'm going to start a day programme when i finally finish my detox..probably in 2030 knowing my shit. Only joking..mad flecky has plans of a most devious nature!

    Hopefully in rehab they will draw up a care plan for her..a support from anywhere no matter how silly or trivial.Alcoholics Anon have online meetings..i checked out the NA website last night and entered the chatroom.I was the only nutta there! i shared into the void.Bastards.

    Mate..i only feel for you and wish you both the best.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011
    @Gov spy, as previously said, you are truly amazing. I haven't met many people with kind of dedication. Best of wishes in this journey, hopefully as Rachael said the cheating was a side effect of the alcoholism and once she's won this battle everything will be fine for you two.
  5.  (10248.52)
    "I'm gonna love you till the wheels fall off" - Brilliant man!
  6.  (10248.53)
    @govspy: You are a better person than I, which is a good thing. I'm hoping the best for ya.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011
    @Gov Spy, btw, I'm pretty sure you just gave every girl person here hope for finding that kind of love. FOR SRS.
  7.  (10248.55)
    Thanks gang. Got off the phone with her earlier and we're giving it our all. We have no family here, we are our own support. I'm lucky to have this place to come to.

    @flecky. The 24/7 in house hospital care is roughly 4 weeks long, and they make recommendations based on each persons response to treatment, as well as their family's (in this case, I'm all she's got) involvement. After the 24/7 care is over, then the patient goes home, but they have 8-5 outpatient programming where the patient sleeps at home. They may begin working, possibly part time, at that point, and do AA or whatever locally. There is technically no end to treatment, but what I pay for at this clinic is about a year's worth of services, and obviously AA and the like are at no cost, as usual.

    I hope you find what you need Flecky. Not sure what you meant about me being a stormtrooper though...? We don't get the white shiny plastic armor til the Emporer President passes the next budget. I'm hoping for callsign 1138!

    Anyways Fleck you're %100 percent original and thanks for the advice too.

    It's going to be a struggle, I know it's going to be a long road but I know I'm on the right path.
      CommentAuthorCameron C.
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011
    Hello Whitechapel. Long time no see.

    I woke up today late for school. I have class from 9am-1pm. I just stayed in bed. I had already decided I wasnt up for it. The last few days have been pretty lame. I just lay in bed, not wanting to think about anything. My friend that lives down in the desert, that I met in school when I lived down there, is leaving california at the end of December. I dont know how I feel about this but I know it's the root of my lameness. We see each other no more than once or twice a month and when we do we spend most of the entire day together practically cuddling watching movies and anime and tickling each other and goofing off like that. She seemingly alternates between wanting more and not and it's far too late for any of it to matter now. She might drive up to visit me for a day or two next week and Im not sure if I want to see her again at all. Im just tired of it and when she has to leave I'll feel even worse for a couple days. Im lucky to have a nice bit of money saved away for the time being but I've been unemployed for years now and even though schools been going well everything just feels like shit right now.

    I've at least been able to get some work done on my silly comic instead of just curling up and dying like I want to. A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away I would do Bad Things(tm) to stave away these sorta feelings. Now I doodle my silly comics to help with them. Once I finish this 30 page comic (My 3rd ~30 page collection) I'll have done about a hundred pages of Scrambled Circuits comics, with these and the ones Ive done for other peoples anthologies and such.
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeOct 3rd 2011
    @govspy: I'm really late to the game, but... you're a hell of a good guy, you know that?
    • CommentTimeOct 4th 2011 edited
    @Cameron, 100 pages? Wow. Congrats!

    Alright, not really a huge problem, but I guess I'll post this as it's been bugging me lately.

    For the past few days I've been having dreams about my ex. Now...for those that don't know about him, the basic story is that he was in love with someone else more and didn't bother to tell me about it until nearly a year after they had started getting involved. What made it worse was that the person he was with was a friend of mine and ALL of our mutual friends who I regarded as good, trusted friends, knew about it the whole time but didn't think to either stick up for me or tell me what was going on. So pretty much it put me in to a state of complete self-esteem and trust breakdown.

    Fast forward two years and a bit. I am very much over it. 2010 was, as many of you know, my "rebuilding" year. I cut off all the toxic people and I developed in to the person that I wanted to be. The last I heard of my ex was early this year, when he e-mailed me to tell me that he had his heart broken very much the same way he broke mine and it was by the very person he was involved with when he was with me. This cheered me up and had incredible timing, as I went off therapy the day previous.

    But recently I've been hearing from a member of that circle of friends who wants to reconnect. I don't really want to, but it's been turning in to an e-mail...crap...thing. And thinking about her is just making me think back to that time and, I'm guessing, seems to be triggering these dreams. I've had them before, back when I was still getting over it. Essentially it's the ex voicing the insecurities and suspicions I had at the time ("You were so stupid". "We were all laughing at you when you left" etc.) stuff I know is bullshit, but my dreams being as they are with full sensory use, being able to touch him and even smell him makes it a bit more real. And while I don't get incredibly stressed out about it and my day isn't ruined and I don't go back to square one (it is just a DREAM after all), I end up waking up feeling a little shaken. And that bugs me. And I'm concerned that these dreams will be more frequent.

    So...yeah. It really isn't a problem. And I'm not depressed about it or anything, but it's just a rattling "Oof, I don't need this" thing.
      CommentAuthorCameron C.
    • CommentTimeOct 4th 2011 edited
    @Oldhatter: hmmm, let me see:
    Scrambled Circuits 1 had 32pgs
    Scrambled Circuits 2 had 29pgs
    Make Something 1 had 4pgs
    Make Something 4 had 5pgs
    1pg strip for
    1pg strip in Candy or Medicine
    another 1pg in my first zine
    and a christmas mini I did in 09 that was a single 5 or 6 page story

    ... So thats 78 pages so far, unless Im forgetting some of the stuff that ended up in more random places. I'm already about a third of the way done with SC3, and when I send that to the printers I'll be printing V2 of my first issue with all digital lettering and a new pretty color cover. So this is pretty neat for me. thanks :)
    • CommentTimeOct 4th 2011
    @Oldhat I know how you feel very, very well. Four years on and I'm still dreaming about exes. But I'm a lot more sanguine when I'm long as I only have to deal with people I consider friends. That is, a mutual friend passed along some info on what they're up to now and I hadn't asked for it. I didn't run from the news or feel up to digging for more, even now I just shrug, file away the data and carry on. What would be my reaction if someone I used to know through them reached out to me? I don't know. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I ever saw either one of them again I'd be very unhappy for a while. Hence really wishing my subconscious would quit bringing them up (especially the guy). I have spent so much of this time both hurt and embarrassed that I haven't wanted to share the details outside of a handful of close friends and have nearly shut down to being emotionally open to new people. But it does move further and further back into the rearview, so long as you keep driving forward. That's a major fucking relief.

    @gov spy, caught up on this thread and I have less and less to say, until I have practically no insight other than I really admire you for giving this your all. I have no idea what'll happen, I have no idea if your choices are appropriate, let alone "right", I just have no idea. But damn it makes me feel good that there are people like you in this world. I hope with all my heart your girlfriend realizes what a treasure she has. In the face of addiction I've only felt profoundly helpless when I watch friends glide away to acquaintance and then disappear from radar. The awful things they've done... I don't know. I'm less trusting than you appear to be; folks who make terrible choices don't turn around and make only good ones just because that's what they promised. so. It takes immense patience and strength. Taking on a challenge like that in full faith and hope makes the world a better place.

    @flecky Carry the fuck on, man. Own your own life.

    @Rachael - People suck ass. But I've consistently seen you work and create despite setbacks, stupid social/family bullshit, and your bad health and you come around and make amazing things exist. You've a solid, inventive mind, a good eye for know your shit. And you're eager to improve your game all the time. Dude, that's awesome.

    @icelandbob - I am of the stripe who has a sort of "egads there are too many people, we don't need more kids, dammit!" when friends start musing on procreating. That is, I spend a lot of time with my mouth shut when the subject comes up. BUT. Imagining you as a father bypasses all of that knee-jerk childfree crap and brings such a warmth for the idea of your Viking kid(s) I really dig the idea hard. Sigga seems like a such a good woman (and of course, the actual Viking in the house };>) Damn how could your kids be anything other than they sack and pillage Northern Europe? So in the end of it all, if it works and you two have little Iceland babies then I think that's fantastic. And if it turns out the world is cruel bitch and we are deprived of new little Cluness's running about, then fuck man... you have my sincere sympathy.

    (Tangent: Why is it that irresponsible trainwrecks can make babies as easily tripping dust motes and crashing into their own vomit, but people who take their time, make sure all is prepared, are nurturing and intelligent, end up having to get expensive treatments to maybe be able to make a kid?)

    @Everyone oy vey. I love you all. Please take very good care of yourselves. I was just informed that in the apartment next to the house of one of my friends a woman was murdered by her ex who then set fire to the apartment. I know I was going to write about some stuff on my life...nutty disparate things that have little to do with what I've been trying to get done...but I can't really remember what it was. I'll get back to this later.