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  1.  (10271.1)
    You get a couple of weeks this time round, oh spleenjockeys. I'll be cluttering-up NYCC next weekend and don't know how much nettime I'll get.

    So!

    Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough Week.

    Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

    I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.
    •  
      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeOct 9th 2011
     (10271.2)
    Been some 12 hours of weird dreams and feeling out of sorts. Plans didn't come together so I slept in a friend's house with no friends in it; in a friend's bed where the friend was next door for the night. I have a working laptop now (though it is a bit old, it still has my old POS machine beat for speed, now to add programs I need), and it's a hand me down from a guy who decided to come in and solve my computer problems because he's a sweetheart and not because he knows me particularly well, and anyway he's had this machine for a while from a mutual friend who no longer lives in the state.

    So it's all kind of funny, this in-between state of made of stuff that keeps me from sleeping in my truck, stealing a few minutes on a friend's computer to check my email and then be off again.... Living with my parents beats being homeless, even if they live uncomfortably far from all the stuff I've put in my life to do. I'm just not interested in seeking work or friends near where they live, to such a degree that I just don't know how. I'm grateful to them and frustrated with myself, I have to remember that. I'm 34 and my parents are taking care of me like I were 14. But the irritation that comes with living there is the same - mom is domineering, dad is tempramental, OB is just mental. Ugh. All I can do is swallow this down and try not to think about it.

    Best friend is in some yo-yo thing with her bf because he isn't directly reliable, keeping to the things he's said. But then he comes back around and she falls all over him and forgives all... But I'm her sounding board for when she's unhappy with him and... I'm feeling a bit to old for it all. But I listen all the same because she's my best friend and because she's fixed it so I can stay in this house when I've needed (that's coming to an end...the house is nearly empty, they're all moving out). She's paid my way, she's fed me... Good lord. I'm so deeply indebted to her...it's a weight in me.

    Trying to get to see a friend who's in from out of town for a little bit. Was hoping to see her outside of a huge party (last week's decom) or a club, and maybe I will today. But it'll be hard to say about the feeling for it because her boyfriend (an old friend of mine, fun fact: I introduced them) proposed to her last night. So that's why I didn't see her last night. But she's been mostly incomunicado and I'm trying to be understanding with the boyfriend/fiance and all, but... *sigh* I'm just being selfish. I want my time.

    Facing that I'm holding off key steps of my career because I'm scared. I'm letting little obstacles become insurmountable just because. It's dumb. I should get over myself. But right now I'm alone and I can be both more brutally honest (friends are stunningly fast with the "oh it's not your fault" or "everyone has that" or "don't stress so much, it's not all on you!") and I can be more evasive about what I need to do. Because there is a LOT I've left out for myself to get done, so I can easily work on the foolish/pointless things first and carry on putting off the crap that has to get done if I'm going to take myself seriously.

    Feeling alone, feeling bored and feeling like it's because other people didn't come through is just sort of the sworls of emotion that sweep in when shit didn't quite work out, and once I realize this I let go of blaming anyone. But I stayed up awfully late asking myself what I wanted and really not feeling sure. I don't really like this blankness, a vague feeling that something is missing... Argh it usually means I have everything I need and want but the energy it's taken to put together is still burning. But what have I put together? A completely ad hoc life made of resources other kindhearted people have given me. When do I get to make my own way? When will I make myself make my own way?

    What I want is the questions to be banished and the action to get rolling. I just don't know what that looks like.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 10th 2011 edited
     (10271.3)
    @ all: ahh..a new week...so it is and so it shall be til my god of pain decides that viking northlander flecky ronin( i now live in the foul flesh pot of London) decides to behead all southern bile filled (see..my dyslexia makes it hard to spell simple words) little shits!!

    Fuck the god of Narcotics Anonymous..he has a small penis!!He tried to rub it against my detox but i said "Away man,have at you,you fuckster of a cunt!"

    I say in meetings "I've had more support from the legendary freakangels
    you bunch of two faced cowards..we piss on your wank love shite from a cold mountain top,my goat mini Grendel,son of Hunter Rose high goat of evil,son of the dark horse whose father was the dreaded comica,by my side through the dark hours of naked pleasure"

    To this they look at me and hate me which fills me with perverse glee.

    must go as i have people to kill...
  2.  (10271.4)
    I have a rant, mostly about how fucking stupid and gullible I tend to be. Last February, I was given an option at work, up in Sheffield. That option was, either concede dismissal, or work in London. This sort of suited me fine, as I've been wanting to move back down south for quite a long period of time, and the prospect of continued work was a big lure.
    Over the last few months, there's been something a-foot. A relentless pursuit of writing process down, changes in management, changes in procedure, the gradual removal of Priviledges that were used to perform daily duties with greater ease. I was rather disillusioned with the engineering company I was working through and requested of my account manager that I change, and was told there was no need, something was in the pipeline that would be better.
    Late August it was announced that the whole sub department that I work in was being outsourced to an independant company for better service and clearer boundaries of work, but that it was nothing to get worked up about. I started asking questions. I'm a question asker. Firstly I asked my old line manager. He wasn't aware of anything, or so he said. My current line manager had never heard anything, and would get back to me when there was an official line. The Account managers Colleague, a personal associate, had no idea what was going on. This took me upto around about a fortnight ago. In the interim, a representative of the new company came to "overview" what we did. Last week, a gentleman from the company taking over the department came in. He talked about what a great company it is he works for, how many staff they have, and how many companies they support making how much money. He was shiftless and wove around questions like a snake. All we could get out of him for certain was that the new company takes over on the 8th and they will need the current staff, plus some extra numbers for extra services his company will bring into the role. It was all underway, everyone's employer or agency had been made aware and that transactions to transfer us were underway.

    Thursday came round. I got a call from the engineering company I work on behalf of asking me if I knew how long my contract was due to go on for, as they'd heard that the work was going to another company, I said I was sure he'd been approached, He said he'd heard no such thing. Another colleague stated his agency had absolutely no idea what was going on at all, and that they demanded to speak to the representative of the new company.

    On Friday, The engineering company contacted me to see if there was any new info on my side as they'd not heard anything, I'd not heard anything, I spoke to the new companies man on site, and was assured it was all in hand.

    And then I got to work this morning. The engineering company called me and told me that shortly after they'd phoned me on Friday, they'd got an email from the account manager stating that I was no longer required and that I have been served notice. The accounts manager said that was fair enough, as the position I formally held with her directly is now going to provided by the new company. I asked if I was going to be transfered, and was told she didn't care, that's not the bit she's interested in.

    And then I phoned the new company, who, despite assuring us that there were migrations ahead of us last FUCKING WEDNESDAY stated there were no, and never had been any assurances that we would be transfered over to them, as we're contractors. Whilst expecting us to train new staff who are there "to make up the numbers" on a team that's already over-staffed, all of whom are about 20 and on about half the wages.

    The maths, which never added up, suddenly does. Again.
    •  
      CommentAuthortedcroland
    • CommentTimeOct 10th 2011
     (10271.5)
    Need a "WAH."

    Hope you're all well this evening. Truly well. Many of you are in a way that I can't really relate to on a direct level, but I try very hard to empathize with you. And I'd bet most of you are stronger than I am. Pats on the back, hugs for those who need them. Etc.

    Feeling bad tonight. I didn't have a bad day: Monday is a day off (apart from reading, usually), so I normally tool around, do errands. Did some RPG tonight with a few friends, which is not something I normally do but was fan anyhow. But stability and levity mostly, for some reason or another, is nothing in comparison to triggering and feeling awful.

    Not to sound too pompous, but I feel like my mind works like an onion of meta-thought. I make an observation, then it's layer after layer of peeling away at why I made that observation. Intellectually, this is a good skill to have: it forces you to think and think and think and think and while it can hinder cohesion, it reinforces original thought and helps active logic take place. For emotions, for self-evaluation, for pain, it's horrible. It rends me asunder, to put it in a cartoonish idiom.

    So the last big brain-spill on here a few weeks ago was complaining about emotional damage from an ex-girlfriend. Yeah, that still bothers me, but that isn't specifically what I want to talk about. It still hurts, it's still something that hardens my heart and weighs on me from time to time, but the meta-thought that it engenders in me is as a boulder inside my head.

    Allow me to explain. So, she was pretty awful to me. I mentioned about the various forms of abuse this took, but in spite of those things two things that are either facts or masquerading as such are ever present in my mind:
    1. I loved her very much in spite of it.
    2. I will not do better than her.

    The first is a given: if I didn't she would have either gotten punched (I wouldn't have punched her. Physically ejected her from my home...maybe) or dumped or both a long time before the actual break-up. Despite that, it's a creeping and terrifying reality. Is it born of self-hatred? Lack of self-worth, -esteem? Hollow questions, maybe. I dunno.

    The second is more complex. To frame (and this is in an objective sense): she really was fucking amazing. It's why I loved her. She was beautiful, she was smart, she was a reader and aspired to intellectualism...I had reasons to love her. A lot of them. And she gave me reasons to hate her, but I loved her enough to forgive her so many times, and it got me nowhere. It's crushing. Defeating.

    I suppose more than anything, what's put me here (this looping fear and sadness) is that she came at an equally negative time in my life. I had, a few years before, had an also terrible girlfriend with zero redeeming qualities apart from looks, who had also treated me terribly and left me in a similar way. Destroyed confidence, self-esteem, etc. Life drained by trying like crazy to please someone who can't be pleased. So I suppose the other fear, here, is that I'm returning to the "dry period," having nothing to help me over the doubt, hatred, loathing. Except this time around it's compounded by the fact that it is twice in a row, with this horrible, dry desert in between. Is this the cycle I will be on for my life? I have no evidence to the contrary.

    More frightening is that rather than attract the kind of person who cares little for their other person, that I engender the behavior by my personality. I honestly try really fucking hard to be good to the women I involve myself with, and so far the women I have attracted have been selfish, self-centered, and universally unwilling to put effort into a relationship, despite expecting and receiving leaps and bounds from me.

    Christ, Whitechapel, what do you do when all you have is loathing?? Satisfactory is such a simple state for me to achieve but I pretty much never have the meager requirements thereof. I'm at a loss.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFishelle
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
     (10271.6)
    @tedcroland

    I know this is where we come for hugs, but I feel I have to say something regarding this that is a little less huggy than usual.

    1. I loved her very much in spite of it.
    2. I will not do better than her.


    1. There is nothing wrong with that. Not a damn thing. There is absolutely no reason to feel self loathing for the fact that you were able to love someone who didn't deserve it. The world would be a better place if we loved all the people that didn't deserve it.

    2. Bull. Shit. A pretty girl who can read and be smart, she may have been. But you know what's better? Someone who actually loves you back and treats you the way you should be treated. You can do better. And you will do better. Just take this time you have without a relationship to worry about helping yourself. Learn to love yourself, then let the ladies come when they will. Being single is not the end of the world. It fucking sucks, but it only sucks as much as you let it.

    I say this as one who has taken this thread to complain about boys pretty often. I understand where your coming from. I do. But...yeah. Don't let her throw you into depression. Because, trust me, that sucks way worse.
  3.  (10271.7)
    @flecky the world bleeds at your awesome- Ire at the world and people makes for entertainment and fun! have fun at the killin let us know how it goes.

    So more photographer fun........ I found out that there is apparently an event at my house on the 19th of November. NEWS TO ME!! You'd think they would want to let me know so I'd be here to let them in the house. I really should have fucking just not said anything and not been here- which i wouldn't have been. I spent the night stewing on how in the world can you plan an event and not let the person who's home you are using know. What the ever loving fuck? They have stiffed me now out of 200 bucks and Set the event at my house without telling me. I REALLY do not think that they will be doing ANYTHING with me at all again after this. (Could use the money from the event to be honest- they do pay to rent the house and some girls hire me to do make-up and costuming) The event was supposed to be "planed" but i never got any notification of it and they just put up digital posters everywhere which is how I fucking found out.

    It is really hard to not just hide in the house all the time- people can be such asshats. And I just Don't get it.....

    I'm sick and tired of people being unprofessional and inconsiderate. You know if you put on an event and you require vendors- letting them know if they are selected or not for the event would be useful before the event. (hat stuff) Have a fucking vendor cut off date, pick and chose as they come in ect. just do not leave people hanging. It is unprofessional and most of us actually have to Make the things we sell- so knowing how much if we need to make, IF ANY would be nice.

    Also my blender broke. no smoothies today- they are what keeps me going. This is the second one I've broken. I'm bad with technology. Today is not being a good day.
  4.  (10271.8)
    So, um, getting divorced. So, there's that.
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011 edited
     (10271.9)
    @comicbookbunny I'd tell the person that unless you get paid for the previous job there's not going to be an event at your place. If possible do it as the event nears so he can't just find a new place.

    So I got back yesterday from a really nice weekend at the cottage. It's Autumn, so my favorite of seasons, and...yeah. Was really relaxed. But when I got home I looked through some of the photos I took and hit the realization that I think I may be losing or have lost my ability to take kick-ass shots of what I see when I just go for a walk. It's most likely temporary, but I've just been feeling really uninspired as far as that goes lately. I think another part of it has to do with the fact that I'm enjoying working with models and make-up artists to achieve shots that are close to what I ACTUALLY WANT along with the other fact that I seem to be absolute ass at networking with paying clients. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love working with other artists and collaborating on some amazing projects...I would just like someone to come along and offer me money for what I do once in a while. And not just for prints, but for an actual shoot. But oddly, it seems the only clients interested in work are other artists with an event and they're so skint that they can't pay. Argh.

    Which leads to the bigger problem, I guess. I'll be starting up a music publishing internship soon which, if it works out, will lead to a job which will lead to a career. It's not an objectionable gig. In fact, in the short term, if it works out I'm practically guaranteed a one-week trip to a conference in LA. But the thing is, I guess...well..my parents are helping me get this and it's a huge sting to my pride. I'm feeling like I am incapable of getting a job for myself and incapable of being accomplished in the thing I fucking love doing which, I guess looking back, is true. And while I will be able to do photography on the side I'm kind of dreading that this job will take over so much to the point where photography feels like a hobby I'm kind of good at rather than something I love doing. Regardless, I'm pretty broken up that I'm 26 and it seems that the only skill that can get me a paying job is being someone's fucking daughter.

    Fuck. I don't know.

    I think today I'm going to order that Mapplethorpe book. Get some inspiration.
    •  
      CommentAuthortaphead
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
     (10271.10)
    Right, so today I found out my primary field of work is pretty much done for in Finland. No more patent translations needed.

    If 2011 had a face, I'd punch it. It looks like I could give it another whack from all too many of you, too. That's OK, I've got stamina.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFishelle
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
     (10271.11)
    @Comicbookbunny
    Stupid people. I like Oldhat's suggestion.

    @KPatrickGlover
    I'm sorry. That is not good news.

    @Oldhat
    You can still look for photography work if you get this job and everything works out well. You can use some of the extra money you get from this new job to hire models and things to do the shoots you really want to do. You're still just in your 20's. You've got lots of life ahead of you. Just keep doing what you love, and work as much as you need to on the side. Even if you spend more hours working, just keep taking photographs and it'll be okay.

    You say that you don't think you're capable of getting a job in photography. I say, whatever your past experience, you're a better photographer now. You going to keep getting better at it. You can do it. It may take time and another job or two in between, but don't stop trying. Even if the job in between lasts until you retire, you can still do photography.

    One of my favorite artists in the state of Utah is this guy named Bill Patterson who just exclusively takes black and white film photographs of naked women. He worked in business as long as he had to, until he could retire, and now is successful at getting pictures of naked people up all over galleries in one of the most uptight places in the U.S.

    I don't think it will take you as long to be successful with it. I think people will pay you for your work at some point sooner than that. In the meantime, just keep doing what you can. You've got friends to model for you or help you in other ways with shoots. Pay them with homemade beer or cookies or something. If we ever meet, I for one will be glad to have you take a picture of me naked and covered in blood. Just keep taking photographs, and you'll keep getting better and eventually someone will pay you.

    I don't have much to say regarding the whole thing of parents getting you a job and not being able to get one on your own feeling. I've been there myself. It sucks. But at least it's a job that shouldn't be utter hell to work.
    •  
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011 edited
     (10271.12)
    @oldhat: Keep taking pictures. Every time I start worrying about my career as a writer, or my ability as one, or even my desire to be one, the only thing that makes it go away is to close the door, sit down, and start writing. Even when it's crap, and I know it's crap while I writing it, it's still doing that thing that I love. Every word I put down is a middle finger to every contrary thought. I am a writer, and I am writing. All that other shit can be dealt with later (and, in a weird way, is being dealt with AS I WRITE.)

    Keep taking photographs. Keep developing them, keep planning them, keep going places that you find beautiful and want to capture. Do it every chance you get, and you'll not have failed as a photographer. If you have to take a job to support your art, that's okay. You're still a photographer, you just do music publishing. Same way when I was working as a cart-pushing-monkey at a hardware store, that was what I was doing, not who I was. I didn't get a LOT of writing done on that job, but I still took it where I could - I'd skip eating on my lunch breaks to get in a half-page, or a nice bit of dialogue I'd thought of. Even if I was barely getting 500 words a day, it was still doing the work, and so it was not a failure, and it made all the crap of the job (and there was a lot) completely worth it.

    Just don't stop. You can't stop. You're a photographer. You just do other things, too.
    •  
      CommentAuthorkahavi
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
     (10271.13)
    @taphead: Are you kidding me? That fucking sucks, big time. :( I'm so sorry.

    @KPatrickGlover: Oh man, I'm sorry.

    @everyone: Argh, could the world stop treating everyone so shittily, please? You guys deserve better.
  5.  (10271.14)
    Yeeesh, Shit, Tap. :/
  6.  (10271.15)
    @VertigoJones - that's rough, and it's really depressing that people are treated like that, especially the bit about bringing in young, cheap people or offshoring everything. I've seen that happen where I am. Hope it blows up in their faces, it normally does.

    @KPatrickGlover - sorry, that's harsh
    @Taphead - damn... that's rough as well, especially if your whole line of work has gone...

    @Oldhat - don't give up. I really wanted to work in photography, and considered freelancing when I stopped doing it as about half of my day job but I just couldn't face the whole networking/hustling for clients bit, and simply didn't have the confidence in my ability to do it, and produce consistently good work for people - even though with hindsight I don't think I had anything to worry about really, I was doing decent enough stuff. And then I got sucked into a corporate job and reasonable money, so got too comfortable to take risks career wise... so I know what you mean about it becoming a hobby that you're good at, but that's not necessarily a bad thing - you could still freelance part time or shoot for stock libraries even if you have a day job, you can build a portfolio based on what you want to do rather than what you're being paid to do (ie I hated doing charity cheque grip and grins and pack shots and would much rather do flower macros)... And a job in itself could turn out to be a route in and open doors.

    I wouldn't feel any shame either about your parents helping you - if it's a good opportunity, take it. If you don't someone else will.

    Me - it's getting a little bit better here. Last few days have felt a bit brighter, partner is smiling more again and getting a bit more optimistic, I'm hoping the worst is over. I had a decent appraisal at work today, which was nice. Car didn't cost too much at its service/MOT. And Blackberry is screwed, so can pretend I didn't get emails I want to ignore. HAR! So not too much venting this week...

    Peace to all.
  7.  (10271.16)
    Just woke up from a dream where me & Patton Oswalt were writing a bit where someone would pick a topic & he would debate himself; playing both sides of the argument. Now I really want to see that as a show.
    •  
      CommentAuthordorkmuffin
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
     (10271.17)
    Yeeeeeeesh to all. Hugs abound.
  8.  (10271.18)
    flecky - People are generally shite. I agree. Just don't get yourself in trouble for pointing that out to them because then, the bastards win.

    Vertigo Jones - trust no one? Christ, it's enraging to be lied to like that, when it's your fucking income.

    Tedcroland - What Fishelle said. But then, I don't know, I'm in the same boat as you. Not because I think that it's difficult to find someone smart and interesting, it's the other parts. As for myself, I am broken and weird and difficult to be close to with my strange combination of cold and clingy, my chemistry is literally atypical, and my brain is literally abnormal. To find a human that fits is really difficult for anyone who is both intelligent and interesting.

    oldhat - Here's the thing. Watching the art scene I'm now slightly exposed to, you should perhaps embrace the idea that your money can come from JOB while your inspiration can go towards ART. What you like creating doesn't always fit into what someone is willing to pay for, and then you'd have to alter direction from what you WANT to make to what people want to BUY, which will shift your direction from here on out, and this is relatively early in your artistic career. Some people are ok with that, excel at it, desire it. I am not one of those people, personally. If you aren't one of those people either, then... well, then it's awesome to have a job that you don't hate that you are good at and don't hate which gives you the money to buy camera equipment and pay models and makeup and such to make your art purely yours. Maybe then you can sell the finished product. Maybe not. But you won't feel you'd compromised. Also, don't give any mind to your folks helping you out. They've helped you FIND the job, they aren't going to help you keep it, or excel at it. That's up to you. If you can't hack it, you won't keep the job. It's not a free ride.

    KPartickGlover - fuuuuuuuck. I'm sorry.

    taphead - You could move, maybe?

    Singularity Jones - Hooray for less doom!
  9.  (10271.19)
    As for myself...

    Sunday night I got the rest of my stuff from my Aunt's. (Yeah, she didn't answer my emails or calls, and didn't answer the door for the first 15 minutes when I arrived, and then made up a reason as to why she didn't get back to me, even though she thought to put my mail in a paper bag and place it on top of my belongings in the garage, but whatever.) I now have just about everything I own in ONE PLACE. The impetus for this is that there is a Terry Pratchett signing on Thursday. I've got a 1st edition copy of Good Omens, and it's signed by Gaiman with one half of some kind of joke, and I was told that I'd need to get Pratchett to sign it for the other half. So, with this in mind, I hired a fellow with a minivan to drive me to NJ, gather my crap, and cram it all in my bedroom. The young moving fellow is a philosopher/writer who went to Wesleyan and now moves people about, collecting their stories. He thought I was 23, which was amusing, and told me I had great stories, which I do. I've decided that he and I should be friends, emailed him as much, and he agrees! Hooray! Of course, right now I have literally no floor space, and most of my bed is covered with crap. Iv'e got to get rid of most of my books, I think.

    Yesterday I had a not terrible doctor appointment. The doctor sat with me for a very long time and listened to my entire medical history, wrote me a prescription for antibiotics, and told me to come back next week to go over my records and such. It seems that being on disability but trying to go to college is a situation that gets a great deal of respect from doctors.

    I then went to the Apple store to pick up my macbook. It had a busted trackpad, and cracks in the outer shell. They replaced the trackpad, the keyboard, the under-part and the over-part, so basically, everything but the guts and the screen of my macbook is brand new, and it's so pretty! Everything but the trackpad was FREE! The fancy 24 hour Apple store on 5th Avenue has a sort of silly collection of items as a memorial for Jobs. Flowers make sense, I suppose, but... lots of people just brought and left apples. Eh.

    Then I went to the bar where the roommates' friends drink every Monday, and I was SOCIAL with AWESOME PEOPLE! People who were my age! They told me I should hang out more, even if I end up moving. Yay! My roommates and I seem to have evened things out, which is awesome.

    Yeah, I still haven't gotten my books for school, and I'll probably have to drop all but two of my five classes even thought I bought the books and paid for the classes, which makes me angry, and I'm going to see if I can be irate and righteous enough that they'll let me take the classes NEXT semester for free, since none of this was my fucking fault.... but I do have one week to cram in a month worth of three classes. Maybe I can do it if I don't leave the house.

    But. It's NYCC this weekend, and there's a Blade Runner afterparty somewhere, so...

    Also, the fellow I miss terribly who told me to not contact him so he could think and work shit out... I know he's strapped for cash at the moment, and I know he's got nobody to lean on because everyone leans on him, and I know that October is his favorite month. Well, I'd planned to use a chunk of this money I now have to treat he and I to something fun and awesome, because he'd done so for me so many times. Bought me groceries weekly. But if he's not willing/able to be around me, well... I'm tempted to just mail him a check, just as repayment, just so he can enjoy his favorite season and just to lift the burden a bit. Even if he decides it's best to never talk to me again.

    I'd realized that every time things got terrible between us was due to the Lyme Disease, so it probably IS bet that we not be around each other until I get myself seriously sorted out with my health.
    •  
      CommentAuthorbrittanica
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
     (10271.20)
    Again, I want to give you all hugs. You all deserve them.
    @oldhat- I know it's not the most meaningful sentiment, but that is a badass job to have made available to you. The music business fascinates me, and I'd be happy to get some thick-soled boots and a battle ax and pose as you if you wanted to pass on it. :D But seriously, what everyone else said. You're the one who gets to decide what defines you.
    @rachael- It makes me happy to see good things in your posts. I hope more come your way.

    Holding pattern this week, mostly. Oh, but! Saturday, the fella and I went to a wedding of a couple who are an acoustic rock duo that we met at a writer's night type thing. Nearly everyone at that particular writer's night became friends or at least people who talked to each other a lot on facebook, so their wedding ended up being at the same venue, w/ the ceremony being 5 min. and the rest being a concert. The fella did a set of him dancing around on stage w/ his laptop, and he did a cover of this...

    And I sang back-up. On a stage. In front of other people. Some of whom I didn't know. For the first time ever. And I didn't pass out and/or fuck up my lines. I had a death-grip on the mic stand, but otherwise I kinda killed it. The bride ran up and gave me a hug after, and all these singer-songwriters and industry types came up and told me how good I did, and I still have a hard time believing I did that.
    You know, maybe I can actually get over my crippling self-consciousness eventually. It'd certainly be nice. I daydream about walking into The Muse or The End or Springwater or any other rock club here in Nashville and talking my way into a sound guy position (or an apprenticeship, that's more feasible), but the idea of actually doing it is petrifying. This is the Thing I Want To Do W/ My Life, but I'm just so afraid of people not liking me, or not taking me seriously, or of me fucking up, that I just file it under "that'd be pretty cool, but yeah right". It was just a couple years ago that I went through a phase of having panic attacks at shows because I felt like I didn't belong there and everyone had a clique except me and the fella even was too cool for me to be around and, and, and... I still get that feeling, quite often, but I've at least gotten past running off to a corner to cry.
    Woah, rambling. Sorry if anyone is disturbed by run-on sentences.
    Stay strong, Whitechapel.