Whitechapel - OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/ Lussumo Vanilla & Feed Publisher OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=311924#Comment_311924 2011-10-09T14:23:08-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223 You get a couple of weeks this time round, oh spleenjockeys. I'll be cluttering-up NYCC next weekend and don't know how much nettime I'll get. So! Here is your judgement-free space to vent, ...
So!

Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough Week.

Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=311926#Comment_311926 2011-10-09T14:33:07-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 razrangel http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075 Been some 12 hours of weird dreams and feeling out of sorts. Plans didn't come together so I slept in a friend's house with no friends in it; in a friend's bed where the friend was next door for the ...
So it's all kind of funny, this in-between state of made of stuff that keeps me from sleeping in my truck, stealing a few minutes on a friend's computer to check my email and then be off again.... Living with my parents beats being homeless, even if they live uncomfortably far from all the stuff I've put in my life to do. I'm just not interested in seeking work or friends near where they live, to such a degree that I just don't know how. I'm grateful to them and frustrated with myself, I have to remember that. I'm 34 and my parents are taking care of me like I were 14. But the irritation that comes with living there is the same - mom is domineering, dad is tempramental, OB is just mental. Ugh. All I can do is swallow this down and try not to think about it.

Best friend is in some yo-yo thing with her bf because he isn't directly reliable, keeping to the things he's said. But then he comes back around and she falls all over him and forgives all... But I'm her sounding board for when she's unhappy with him and... I'm feeling a bit to old for it all. But I listen all the same because she's my best friend and because she's fixed it so I can stay in this house when I've needed (that's coming to an end...the house is nearly empty, they're all moving out). She's paid my way, she's fed me... Good lord. I'm so deeply indebted to her...it's a weight in me.

Trying to get to see a friend who's in from out of town for a little bit. Was hoping to see her outside of a huge party (last week's decom) or a club, and maybe I will today. But it'll be hard to say about the feeling for it because her boyfriend (an old friend of mine, fun fact: I introduced them) proposed to her last night. So that's why I didn't see her last night. But she's been mostly incomunicado and I'm trying to be understanding with the boyfriend/fiance and all, but... *sigh* I'm just being selfish. I want my time.

Facing that I'm holding off key steps of my career because I'm scared. I'm letting little obstacles become insurmountable just because. It's dumb. I should get over myself. But right now I'm alone and I can be both more brutally honest (friends are stunningly fast with the "oh it's not your fault" or "everyone has that" or "don't stress so much, it's not all on you!") and I can be more evasive about what I need to do. Because there is a LOT I've left out for myself to get done, so I can easily work on the foolish/pointless things first and carry on putting off the crap that has to get done if I'm going to take myself seriously.

Feeling alone, feeling bored and feeling like it's because other people didn't come through is just sort of the sworls of emotion that sweep in when shit didn't quite work out, and once I realize this I let go of blaming anyone. But I stayed up awfully late asking myself what I wanted and really not feeling sure. I don't really like this blankness, a vague feeling that something is missing... Argh it usually means I have everything I need and want but the energy it's taken to put together is still burning. But what have I put together? A completely ad hoc life made of resources other kindhearted people have given me. When do I get to make my own way? When will I make myself make my own way?

What I want is the questions to be banished and the action to get rolling. I just don't know what that looks like.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=311967#Comment_311967 2011-10-10T02:40:52-07:00 2011-12-29T18:32:31-08:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949 @ all: ahh..a new week...so it is and so it shall be til my god of pain decides that viking northlander flecky ronin( i now live in the foul flesh pot of London) decides to behead all southern bile ...
Fuck the god of Narcotics Anonymous..he has a small penis!!He tried to rub it against my detox but i said "Away man,have at you,you fuckster of a cunt!"

I say in meetings "I've had more support from the legendary freakangels
you bunch of two faced cowards..we piss on your wank love shite from a cold mountain top,my goat mini Grendel,son of Hunter Rose high goat of evil,son of the dark horse whose father was the dreaded comica,by my side through the dark hours of naked pleasure"

To this they look at me and hate me which fills me with perverse glee.

must go as i have people to kill...]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312002#Comment_312002 2011-10-10T10:38:24-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 VertigoJones http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4512 I have a rant, mostly about how fucking stupid and gullible I tend to be. Last February, I was given an option at work, up in Sheffield. That option was, either concede dismissal, or work in London. ... Over the last few months, there's been something a-foot. A relentless pursuit of writing process down, changes in management, changes in procedure, the gradual removal of Priviledges that were used to perform daily duties with greater ease. I was rather disillusioned with the engineering company I was working through and requested of my account manager that I change, and was told there was no need, something was in the pipeline that would be better.
Late August it was announced that the whole sub department that I work in was being outsourced to an independant company for better service and clearer boundaries of work, but that it was nothing to get worked up about. I started asking questions. I'm a question asker. Firstly I asked my old line manager. He wasn't aware of anything, or so he said. My current line manager had never heard anything, and would get back to me when there was an official line. The Account managers Colleague, a personal associate, had no idea what was going on. This took me upto around about a fortnight ago. In the interim, a representative of the new company came to "overview" what we did. Last week, a gentleman from the company taking over the department came in. He talked about what a great company it is he works for, how many staff they have, and how many companies they support making how much money. He was shiftless and wove around questions like a snake. All we could get out of him for certain was that the new company takes over on the 8th and they will need the current staff, plus some extra numbers for extra services his company will bring into the role. It was all underway, everyone's employer or agency had been made aware and that transactions to transfer us were underway.

Thursday came round. I got a call from the engineering company I work on behalf of asking me if I knew how long my contract was due to go on for, as they'd heard that the work was going to another company, I said I was sure he'd been approached, He said he'd heard no such thing. Another colleague stated his agency had absolutely no idea what was going on at all, and that they demanded to speak to the representative of the new company.

On Friday, The engineering company contacted me to see if there was any new info on my side as they'd not heard anything, I'd not heard anything, I spoke to the new companies man on site, and was assured it was all in hand.

And then I got to work this morning. The engineering company called me and told me that shortly after they'd phoned me on Friday, they'd got an email from the account manager stating that I was no longer required and that I have been served notice. The accounts manager said that was fair enough, as the position I formally held with her directly is now going to provided by the new company. I asked if I was going to be transfered, and was told she didn't care, that's not the bit she's interested in.

And then I phoned the new company, who, despite assuring us that there were migrations ahead of us last FUCKING WEDNESDAY stated there were no, and never had been any assurances that we would be transfered over to them, as we're contractors. Whilst expecting us to train new staff who are there "to make up the numbers" on a team that's already over-staffed, all of whom are about 20 and on about half the wages.

The maths, which never added up, suddenly does. Again.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312078#Comment_312078 2011-10-10T23:00:28-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 tedcroland http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2106 Need a "WAH." Hope you're all well this evening. Truly well. Many of you are in a way that I can't really relate to on a direct level, but I try very hard to empathize with you. And I'd ...
Hope you're all well this evening. Truly well. Many of you are in a way that I can't really relate to on a direct level, but I try very hard to empathize with you. And I'd bet most of you are stronger than I am. Pats on the back, hugs for those who need them. Etc.

Feeling bad tonight. I didn't have a bad day: Monday is a day off (apart from reading, usually), so I normally tool around, do errands. Did some RPG tonight with a few friends, which is not something I normally do but was fan anyhow. But stability and levity mostly, for some reason or another, is nothing in comparison to triggering and feeling awful.

Not to sound too pompous, but I feel like my mind works like an onion of meta-thought. I make an observation, then it's layer after layer of peeling away at why I made that observation. Intellectually, this is a good skill to have: it forces you to think and think and think and think and while it can hinder cohesion, it reinforces original thought and helps active logic take place. For emotions, for self-evaluation, for pain, it's horrible. It rends me asunder, to put it in a cartoonish idiom.

So the last big brain-spill on here a few weeks ago was complaining about emotional damage from an ex-girlfriend. Yeah, that still bothers me, but that isn't specifically what I want to talk about. It still hurts, it's still something that hardens my heart and weighs on me from time to time, but the meta-thought that it engenders in me is as a boulder inside my head.

Allow me to explain. So, she was pretty awful to me. I mentioned about the various forms of abuse this took, but in spite of those things two things that are either facts or masquerading as such are ever present in my mind:
1. I loved her very much in spite of it.
2. I will not do better than her.

The first is a given: if I didn't she would have either gotten punched (I wouldn't have punched her. Physically ejected her from my home...maybe) or dumped or both a long time before the actual break-up. Despite that, it's a creeping and terrifying reality. Is it born of self-hatred? Lack of self-worth, -esteem? Hollow questions, maybe. I dunno.

The second is more complex. To frame (and this is in an objective sense): she really was fucking amazing. It's why I loved her. She was beautiful, she was smart, she was a reader and aspired to intellectualism...I had reasons to love her. A lot of them. And she gave me reasons to hate her, but I loved her enough to forgive her so many times, and it got me nowhere. It's crushing. Defeating.

I suppose more than anything, what's put me here (this looping fear and sadness) is that she came at an equally negative time in my life. I had, a few years before, had an also terrible girlfriend with zero redeeming qualities apart from looks, who had also treated me terribly and left me in a similar way. Destroyed confidence, self-esteem, etc. Life drained by trying like crazy to please someone who can't be pleased. So I suppose the other fear, here, is that I'm returning to the "dry period," having nothing to help me over the doubt, hatred, loathing. Except this time around it's compounded by the fact that it is twice in a row, with this horrible, dry desert in between. Is this the cycle I will be on for my life? I have no evidence to the contrary.

More frightening is that rather than attract the kind of person who cares little for their other person, that I engender the behavior by my personality. I honestly try really fucking hard to be good to the women I involve myself with, and so far the women I have attracted have been selfish, self-centered, and universally unwilling to put effort into a relationship, despite expecting and receiving leaps and bounds from me.

Christ, Whitechapel, what do you do when all you have is loathing?? Satisfactory is such a simple state for me to achieve but I pretty much never have the meager requirements thereof. I'm at a loss.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312092#Comment_312092 2011-10-11T01:01:15-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Fishelle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854 @tedcroland I know this is where we come for hugs, but I feel I have to say something regarding this that is a little less huggy than usual. 1. I loved her very much in spite of it. 2. I will ...
I know this is where we come for hugs, but I feel I have to say something regarding this that is a little less huggy than usual.

1. I loved her very much in spite of it.
2. I will not do better than her.


1. There is nothing wrong with that. Not a damn thing. There is absolutely no reason to feel self loathing for the fact that you were able to love someone who didn't deserve it. The world would be a better place if we loved all the people that didn't deserve it.

2. Bull. Shit. A pretty girl who can read and be smart, she may have been. But you know what's better? Someone who actually loves you back and treats you the way you should be treated. You can do better. And you will do better. Just take this time you have without a relationship to worry about helping yourself. Learn to love yourself, then let the ladies come when they will. Being single is not the end of the world. It fucking sucks, but it only sucks as much as you let it.

I say this as one who has taken this thread to complain about boys pretty often. I understand where your coming from. I do. But...yeah. Don't let her throw you into depression. Because, trust me, that sucks way worse.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312104#Comment_312104 2011-10-11T05:37:02-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Comicbookbunny http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5151 @flecky the world bleeds at your awesome- Ire at the world and people makes for entertainment and fun! have fun at the killin let us know how it goes. So more photographer fun........ I found ...
So more photographer fun........ I found out that there is apparently an event at my house on the 19th of November. NEWS TO ME!! You'd think they would want to let me know so I'd be here to let them in the house. I really should have fucking just not said anything and not been here- which i wouldn't have been. I spent the night stewing on how in the world can you plan an event and not let the person who's home you are using know. What the ever loving fuck? They have stiffed me now out of 200 bucks and Set the event at my house without telling me. I REALLY do not think that they will be doing ANYTHING with me at all again after this. (Could use the money from the event to be honest- they do pay to rent the house and some girls hire me to do make-up and costuming) The event was supposed to be "planed" but i never got any notification of it and they just put up digital posters everywhere which is how I fucking found out.

It is really hard to not just hide in the house all the time- people can be such asshats. And I just Don't get it.....

I'm sick and tired of people being unprofessional and inconsiderate. You know if you put on an event and you require vendors- letting them know if they are selected or not for the event would be useful before the event. (hat stuff) Have a fucking vendor cut off date, pick and chose as they come in ect. just do not leave people hanging. It is unprofessional and most of us actually have to Make the things we sell- so knowing how much if we need to make, IF ANY would be nice.

Also my blender broke. no smoothies today- they are what keeps me going. This is the second one I've broken. I'm bad with technology. Today is not being a good day.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312113#Comment_312113 2011-10-11T06:56:30-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 KPatrickGlover http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1471 So, um, getting divorced. So, there's that. OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312116#Comment_312116 2011-10-11T08:43:56-07:00 2011-10-11T08:53:55-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75 @comicbookbunny I'd tell the person that unless you get paid for the previous job there's not going to be an event at your place. If possible do it as the event nears so he can't just find a new ...
So I got back yesterday from a really nice weekend at the cottage. It's Autumn, so my favorite of seasons, and...yeah. Was really relaxed. But when I got home I looked through some of the photos I took and hit the realization that I think I may be losing or have lost my ability to take kick-ass shots of what I see when I just go for a walk. It's most likely temporary, but I've just been feeling really uninspired as far as that goes lately. I think another part of it has to do with the fact that I'm enjoying working with models and make-up artists to achieve shots that are close to what I ACTUALLY WANT along with the other fact that I seem to be absolute ass at networking with paying clients. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love working with other artists and collaborating on some amazing projects...I would just like someone to come along and offer me money for what I do once in a while. And not just for prints, but for an actual shoot. But oddly, it seems the only clients interested in work are other artists with an event and they're so skint that they can't pay. Argh.

Which leads to the bigger problem, I guess. I'll be starting up a music publishing internship soon which, if it works out, will lead to a job which will lead to a career. It's not an objectionable gig. In fact, in the short term, if it works out I'm practically guaranteed a one-week trip to a conference in LA. But the thing is, I guess...well..my parents are helping me get this and it's a huge sting to my pride. I'm feeling like I am incapable of getting a job for myself and incapable of being accomplished in the thing I fucking love doing which, I guess looking back, is true. And while I will be able to do photography on the side I'm kind of dreading that this job will take over so much to the point where photography feels like a hobby I'm kind of good at rather than something I love doing. Regardless, I'm pretty broken up that I'm 26 and it seems that the only skill that can get me a paying job is being someone's fucking daughter.

Fuck. I don't know.

I think today I'm going to order that Mapplethorpe book. Get some inspiration.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312120#Comment_312120 2011-10-11T10:01:22-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 taphead http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2284 Right, so today I found out my primary field of work is pretty much done for in Finland. No more patent translations needed. If 2011 had a face, I'd punch it. It looks like I could give it another ...
If 2011 had a face, I'd punch it. It looks like I could give it another whack from all too many of you, too. That's OK, I've got stamina.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312121#Comment_312121 2011-10-11T10:10:37-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Fishelle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854 @Comicbookbunny Stupid people. I like Oldhat's suggestion. @KPatrickGlover I'm sorry. That is not good news. @Oldhat You can still look for photography work if you get this job and ... Stupid people. I like Oldhat's suggestion.

@KPatrickGlover
I'm sorry. That is not good news.

@Oldhat
You can still look for photography work if you get this job and everything works out well. You can use some of the extra money you get from this new job to hire models and things to do the shoots you really want to do. You're still just in your 20's. You've got lots of life ahead of you. Just keep doing what you love, and work as much as you need to on the side. Even if you spend more hours working, just keep taking photographs and it'll be okay.

You say that you don't think you're capable of getting a job in photography. I say, whatever your past experience, you're a better photographer now. You going to keep getting better at it. You can do it. It may take time and another job or two in between, but don't stop trying. Even if the job in between lasts until you retire, you can still do photography.

One of my favorite artists in the state of Utah is this guy named Bill Patterson who just exclusively takes black and white film photographs of naked women. He worked in business as long as he had to, until he could retire, and now is successful at getting pictures of naked people up all over galleries in one of the most uptight places in the U.S.

I don't think it will take you as long to be successful with it. I think people will pay you for your work at some point sooner than that. In the meantime, just keep doing what you can. You've got friends to model for you or help you in other ways with shoots. Pay them with homemade beer or cookies or something. If we ever meet, I for one will be glad to have you take a picture of me naked and covered in blood. Just keep taking photographs, and you'll keep getting better and eventually someone will pay you.

I don't have much to say regarding the whole thing of parents getting you a job and not being able to get one on your own feeling. I've been there myself. It sucks. But at least it's a job that shouldn't be utter hell to work.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312140#Comment_312140 2011-10-11T12:07:01-07:00 2011-10-11T12:07:13-07:00 Alan Tyson http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299 @oldhat: Keep taking pictures. Every time I start worrying about my career as a writer, or my ability as one, or even my desire to be one, the only thing that makes it go away is to close the door, ...
Keep taking photographs. Keep developing them, keep planning them, keep going places that you find beautiful and want to capture. Do it every chance you get, and you'll not have failed as a photographer. If you have to take a job to support your art, that's okay. You're still a photographer, you just do music publishing. Same way when I was working as a cart-pushing-monkey at a hardware store, that was what I was doing, not who I was. I didn't get a LOT of writing done on that job, but I still took it where I could - I'd skip eating on my lunch breaks to get in a half-page, or a nice bit of dialogue I'd thought of. Even if I was barely getting 500 words a day, it was still doing the work, and so it was not a failure, and it made all the crap of the job (and there was a lot) completely worth it.

Just don't stop. You can't stop. You're a photographer. You just do other things, too.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312141#Comment_312141 2011-10-11T12:15:22-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 kahavi http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2713 @taphead: Are you kidding me? That fucking sucks, big time. :( I'm so sorry. @KPatrickGlover: Oh man, I'm sorry. @everyone: Argh, could the world stop treating everyone so shittily, please? You ...
@KPatrickGlover: Oh man, I'm sorry.

@everyone: Argh, could the world stop treating everyone so shittily, please? You guys deserve better.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312145#Comment_312145 2011-10-11T12:36:23-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 VertigoJones http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4512 Yeeesh, Shit, Tap. :/ OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312154#Comment_312154 2011-10-11T13:45:49-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 JP Carpenter http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485 @VertigoJones - that's rough, and it's really depressing that people are treated like that, especially the bit about bringing in young, cheap people or offshoring everything. I've seen that happen ...
@KPatrickGlover - sorry, that's harsh
@Taphead - damn... that's rough as well, especially if your whole line of work has gone...

@Oldhat - don't give up. I really wanted to work in photography, and considered freelancing when I stopped doing it as about half of my day job but I just couldn't face the whole networking/hustling for clients bit, and simply didn't have the confidence in my ability to do it, and produce consistently good work for people - even though with hindsight I don't think I had anything to worry about really, I was doing decent enough stuff. And then I got sucked into a corporate job and reasonable money, so got too comfortable to take risks career wise... so I know what you mean about it becoming a hobby that you're good at, but that's not necessarily a bad thing - you could still freelance part time or shoot for stock libraries even if you have a day job, you can build a portfolio based on what you want to do rather than what you're being paid to do (ie I hated doing charity cheque grip and grins and pack shots and would much rather do flower macros)... And a job in itself could turn out to be a route in and open doors.

I wouldn't feel any shame either about your parents helping you - if it's a good opportunity, take it. If you don't someone else will.

Me - it's getting a little bit better here. Last few days have felt a bit brighter, partner is smiling more again and getting a bit more optimistic, I'm hoping the worst is over. I had a decent appraisal at work today, which was nice. Car didn't cost too much at its service/MOT. And Blackberry is screwed, so can pretend I didn't get emails I want to ignore. HAR! So not too much venting this week...

Peace to all.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312170#Comment_312170 2011-10-11T15:55:54-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 government spy http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6088 Just woke up from a dream where me & Patton Oswalt were writing a bit where someone would pick a topic & he would debate himself; playing both sides of the argument. Now I really want to see ... OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312175#Comment_312175 2011-10-11T17:09:28-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719 Yeeeeeeesh to all. Hugs abound. OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312177#Comment_312177 2011-10-11T17:24:58-07:00 2011-10-11T17:32:39-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552 flecky - People are generally shite. I agree. Just don't get yourself in trouble for pointing that out to them because then, the bastards win. Vertigo Jones - trust no one? Christ, it's enraging ...
Vertigo Jones - trust no one? Christ, it's enraging to be lied to like that, when it's your fucking income.

Tedcroland - What Fishelle said. But then, I don't know, I'm in the same boat as you. Not because I think that it's difficult to find someone smart and interesting, it's the other parts. As for myself, I am broken and weird and difficult to be close to with my strange combination of cold and clingy, my chemistry is literally atypical, and my brain is literally abnormal. To find a human that fits is really difficult for anyone who is both intelligent and interesting.

oldhat - Here's the thing. Watching the art scene I'm now slightly exposed to, you should perhaps embrace the idea that your money can come from JOB while your inspiration can go towards ART. What you like creating doesn't always fit into what someone is willing to pay for, and then you'd have to alter direction from what you WANT to make to what people want to BUY, which will shift your direction from here on out, and this is relatively early in your artistic career. Some people are ok with that, excel at it, desire it. I am not one of those people, personally. If you aren't one of those people either, then... well, then it's awesome to have a job that you don't hate that you are good at and don't hate which gives you the money to buy camera equipment and pay models and makeup and such to make your art purely yours. Maybe then you can sell the finished product. Maybe not. But you won't feel you'd compromised. Also, don't give any mind to your folks helping you out. They've helped you FIND the job, they aren't going to help you keep it, or excel at it. That's up to you. If you can't hack it, you won't keep the job. It's not a free ride.

KPartickGlover - fuuuuuuuck. I'm sorry.

taphead - You could move, maybe?

Singularity Jones - Hooray for less doom!]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312178#Comment_312178 2011-10-11T17:32:52-07:00 2011-10-11T18:02:18-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552 As for myself... Sunday night I got the rest of my stuff from my Aunt's. (Yeah, she didn't answer my emails or calls, and didn't answer the door for the first 15 minutes when I arrived, and then ...
Sunday night I got the rest of my stuff from my Aunt's. (Yeah, she didn't answer my emails or calls, and didn't answer the door for the first 15 minutes when I arrived, and then made up a reason as to why she didn't get back to me, even though she thought to put my mail in a paper bag and place it on top of my belongings in the garage, but whatever.) I now have just about everything I own in ONE PLACE. The impetus for this is that there is a Terry Pratchett signing on Thursday. I've got a 1st edition copy of Good Omens, and it's signed by Gaiman with one half of some kind of joke, and I was told that I'd need to get Pratchett to sign it for the other half. So, with this in mind, I hired a fellow with a minivan to drive me to NJ, gather my crap, and cram it all in my bedroom. The young moving fellow is a philosopher/writer who went to Wesleyan and now moves people about, collecting their stories. He thought I was 23, which was amusing, and told me I had great stories, which I do. I've decided that he and I should be friends, emailed him as much, and he agrees! Hooray! Of course, right now I have literally no floor space, and most of my bed is covered with crap. Iv'e got to get rid of most of my books, I think.

Yesterday I had a not terrible doctor appointment. The doctor sat with me for a very long time and listened to my entire medical history, wrote me a prescription for antibiotics, and told me to come back next week to go over my records and such. It seems that being on disability but trying to go to college is a situation that gets a great deal of respect from doctors.

I then went to the Apple store to pick up my macbook. It had a busted trackpad, and cracks in the outer shell. They replaced the trackpad, the keyboard, the under-part and the over-part, so basically, everything but the guts and the screen of my macbook is brand new, and it's so pretty! Everything but the trackpad was FREE! The fancy 24 hour Apple store on 5th Avenue has a sort of silly collection of items as a memorial for Jobs. Flowers make sense, I suppose, but... lots of people just brought and left apples. Eh.

Then I went to the bar where the roommates' friends drink every Monday, and I was SOCIAL with AWESOME PEOPLE! People who were my age! They told me I should hang out more, even if I end up moving. Yay! My roommates and I seem to have evened things out, which is awesome.

Yeah, I still haven't gotten my books for school, and I'll probably have to drop all but two of my five classes even thought I bought the books and paid for the classes, which makes me angry, and I'm going to see if I can be irate and righteous enough that they'll let me take the classes NEXT semester for free, since none of this was my fucking fault.... but I do have one week to cram in a month worth of three classes. Maybe I can do it if I don't leave the house.

But. It's NYCC this weekend, and there's a Blade Runner afterparty somewhere, so...

Also, the fellow I miss terribly who told me to not contact him so he could think and work shit out... I know he's strapped for cash at the moment, and I know he's got nobody to lean on because everyone leans on him, and I know that October is his favorite month. Well, I'd planned to use a chunk of this money I now have to treat he and I to something fun and awesome, because he'd done so for me so many times. Bought me groceries weekly. But if he's not willing/able to be around me, well... I'm tempted to just mail him a check, just as repayment, just so he can enjoy his favorite season and just to lift the burden a bit. Even if he decides it's best to never talk to me again.

I'd realized that every time things got terrible between us was due to the Lyme Disease, so it probably IS bet that we not be around each other until I get myself seriously sorted out with my health.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312183#Comment_312183 2011-10-11T19:13:51-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 brittanica http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2296 Again, I want to give you all hugs. You all deserve them. @oldhat- I know it's not the most meaningful sentiment, but that is a badass job to have made available to you. The music business ... @oldhat- I know it's not the most meaningful sentiment, but that is a badass job to have made available to you. The music business fascinates me, and I'd be happy to get some thick-soled boots and a battle ax and pose as you if you wanted to pass on it. :D But seriously, what everyone else said. You're the one who gets to decide what defines you.
@rachael- It makes me happy to see good things in your posts. I hope more come your way.

Holding pattern this week, mostly. Oh, but! Saturday, the fella and I went to a wedding of a couple who are an acoustic rock duo that we met at a writer's night type thing. Nearly everyone at that particular writer's night became friends or at least people who talked to each other a lot on facebook, so their wedding ended up being at the same venue, w/ the ceremony being 5 min. and the rest being a concert. The fella did a set of him dancing around on stage w/ his laptop, and he did a cover of this...

And I sang back-up. On a stage. In front of other people. Some of whom I didn't know. For the first time ever. And I didn't pass out and/or fuck up my lines. I had a death-grip on the mic stand, but otherwise I kinda killed it. The bride ran up and gave me a hug after, and all these singer-songwriters and industry types came up and told me how good I did, and I still have a hard time believing I did that.
You know, maybe I can actually get over my crippling self-consciousness eventually. It'd certainly be nice. I daydream about walking into The Muse or The End or Springwater or any other rock club here in Nashville and talking my way into a sound guy position (or an apprenticeship, that's more feasible), but the idea of actually doing it is petrifying. This is the Thing I Want To Do W/ My Life, but I'm just so afraid of people not liking me, or not taking me seriously, or of me fucking up, that I just file it under "that'd be pretty cool, but yeah right". It was just a couple years ago that I went through a phase of having panic attacks at shows because I felt like I didn't belong there and everyone had a clique except me and the fella even was too cool for me to be around and, and, and... I still get that feeling, quite often, but I've at least gotten past running off to a corner to cry.
Woah, rambling. Sorry if anyone is disturbed by run-on sentences.
Stay strong, Whitechapel.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312187#Comment_312187 2011-10-11T20:17:54-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75 @everyone, thank you. Really. Sound advice all across the board on this one. And it can be said that while I do feel like a failure in the "making money off my craft" sense, I do feel ...
I'm a bit more mellow now. I decided to give myself the night off, so I took a shower, had an emergency bottle of Maple Syrup Stout handy, and proceeded to watch Firefly, The Thick of It and now Star Trek. While I'm still not feeling optimistic of my chances of being a full-time artist, I'm at least not feeling that This Is It in regards to being an artist at all and that regardless, I'm still going to be creating shots that I love.

We'll just see how it turns out.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312189#Comment_312189 2011-10-11T20:32:12-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 razrangel http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075 My dad almost hates taking care of himself. My mom loves taking care of people to a smothering degree. My dad will undermine my mom's attempts because that's how petulant his hatred ...
Consequence of the moment: My dad is anemic, kidneys aren't responding properly, regular, maybe daily bleeding. (He is 85 with a host of other issues, but still.) So we have to step up to make sure he eats...right at a time when we're frackin busy. He needs follow up work tomorrow and we're calling in the reserves - sister's fiance - to come help. Thursday BB will take him to the hospital for a transfusion.

Life just seems loaded with people wallowing in the pain of their situations - and I know I have done exactly the same thing in the past. But the result for me is that I'm just tired of this shit. I don't think my dad's doing it for the attention; I don't think friends who are wallowing are hoping someone will swoop in and save them. But it's hard not to imagine that they're just hanging out in the consequences of the suck of their lives because it's damn hard to get up and move forward. Yeah, fuck yeah I know, BOY do I know: life is shit and then you die. But fuck, man. At least be an adult about it. Eat your damn vegetables. Get your fucking exercise. Don't hurt yourself intentionally and call for help when you need it. Some folks need more help than others - my dad needs a LOT of help now - and those of us watching them be in pain are usually dying to lend a hand.

Like my mom, I want desperately to help. But unlike my mom, I have zero patience for people who snarl at me when I move to keep them from prolonging their own pain.

Also, re: my dad: I'm mad, yeah. I'm also scared as shit.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312194#Comment_312194 2011-10-11T22:48:54-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Fishelle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854 @Rachael Yay! And I would say yes, send him the check. When the last bit of correspondence you have is something positive and happy, there's probably a better chance of him wanting to talk to you ... Yay! And I would say yes, send him the check. When the last bit of correspondence you have is something positive and happy, there's probably a better chance of him wanting to talk to you again in the future.

@razrangel
I'm sorry. I kind of know how that is, seeing as my dad is diabetic and I've still seen him eat cake for breakfast knowing this, but he's not in as bad of shape as yours. Maybe... just talk to him. Maybe make it clear that you think you need to say goodbye. And if that's not enough for him to want to shape up and keep on living, at least you'll get some good closure and a goodbye. I don't know what to say.


I'm feeling pretty decent. Went to a St. Vincent concert last night and was right up against the stage, which was a delight. A friend has started planning to set me up on a date with a boy who wears suits all the time, is super good looking, and is a nice sort of gentleman to boot. Allegedly. I have a week long break from school, and open studios. I managed to finally finish a project I was very very behind on today. Ran into a sort of friend on my way home and went to a comedy club with him and some strangers on a whim, which was also nice. Looking forward to a trip to my old college town this weekend. (Well, mostly looking forward to it. I doubt that I will be able to completely avoid meeting the ex's new boo, and I could do without that. But I'm feeling like I could finally handle it without breaking down completely.)]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312199#Comment_312199 2011-10-11T23:47:02-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949 @ everone: hey you cool diamonds. Maybe i should say this on vile huggin thread yet each time i know you've taken time to read my drool i get a buzz!! And a buzz i need for this detox i keep ...
Maybe i should say this on vile huggin thread yet each time i know you've taken time to read my drool i get a buzz!!

And a buzz i need for this detox i keep going on about...oh no..here comes that english flecky psycho going on about his detox..not again.

Why cant he go to the zombie invasion thing about wallstreet and..critic(?)..engage like a educated pomp with a xbox elite inserted in his wormhole?

Why cant he discuss which app makes software 4098gg33~ more cool to make the colour red super pastel peachy palfium keen?

Maybe i should start a thread about kicking in a chemist door and filling a black bin liner full of barbituates,benzodiazipines and some chewing gum?
Maybe i should start a thread about being beaten to a pulp by the police because i was trying to defend a vulnerable girl who had a door kicked into her face?
Maybe i should start a thread about sitting with my best mate who had overdosed and was dead and purple and i sat talking to for hours?
maybe i should start a thread about being held up by knife point by three crackheads as they stole my bag with all my meds in?

When i look back on the utter insanity that my addiction took me to i can't believe all the crazy things i did and saw..

its taken me 35 years of fooking around with substances to finally get to the point in my life where i just cant do it anymore..my body is wrecked yet i'm so grateful i have a brain cell left and my fingers to tap,write(dyslexia) and consume books and great comics.

i will read everones stuff in a bit as i love you lot.

respect!!]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312228#Comment_312228 2011-10-12T11:27:40-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Jay Kay http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=814 Posted a recent drawing I did on another site, and someone replied with this: I'm trying to figure out how to say this without being harsh. I really don't think drawing is your thing man. So ...
I'm trying to figure out how to say this without being harsh. I really don't think drawing is your thing man.


So the rest of the day's probably going to suck.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312231#Comment_312231 2011-10-12T11:45:17-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Fishelle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854 @Jay Kay That person is an idiot. I couldn't remember what sort of art you did, so I just popped by your deviantart page real quick, and drawing is very much your thing. You've got really nice and ... That person is an idiot.
I couldn't remember what sort of art you did, so I just popped by your deviantart page real quick, and drawing is very much your thing. You've got really nice and solid people, with good structure and style, and I'd love to see more of your stuff around here. The only thing I would say is it'd be cool to see you play with different mediums. But even that's a "this is cool and I want to see more" statement.
I say this as an artist, and one who can draw very well.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312234#Comment_312234 2011-10-12T12:54:16-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Dovryn http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2562 @Jay Kay - Fuck that person and fuck their comment. Talent is a blade, it takes shaping and sharpening. Good critics know this. That person's reply it isn't a reflection of your work at all. It's ... After looking at your work, I agree with Fishelle, your drawings are solid and your blade is sharper than most, no worries.

@ Goverment Spy - I'd watch that.

I'm doing alright these days. Played some games, got to play SW:TOR (Starwars MMO) for 2 days on a beta tester weekend thing. Such a tease, but I had a lot of fun. Last week I hunted Zombies and listened to metal. It felt really good. Oct 18th is my birthday and I guess that makes me 31. You know what? I'm OK with my age and with growing old. It doesn't bother me at all. I'm going to be an awesome old wizard and the world can kiss my ass.
/shoplifts a candybar

Cheers Whitechapel. I'm always wishing you people the best in your battles.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312245#Comment_312245 2011-10-12T18:02:01-07:00 2011-10-12T18:02:55-07:00 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719 @Jay Kay, when I look at your drawing, I can tell you mean it. You give a shit about what you put on paper. Fuck whoever told you that, and keep on improving. Regardless of how amazing someone is at ...
(... for what it's worth)]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312251#Comment_312251 2011-10-12T19:10:19-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 DavidLejeune http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4220 @Rachael: I don't think sending him the check would be the best idea. Obviously I'm saying this only knowing what you've written about him (and I'm probably projecting a whole lot of stuff), but it ... OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312261#Comment_312261 2011-10-12T21:52:13-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552 @DavidLejeune - Yes, from what I can gather, from what you've said, our situations, or at least our broken hearts, are very similar. But here is the thing: what I wanted from him was to be partners. ... OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312262#Comment_312262 2011-10-12T22:11:02-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 oddbill http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4272 @Rachael - I'm going to back David in this and advise you not to send any money. Especially after having had turmoil with him. It is absolutely not going to go over well. It's going to come across as ... you want to make things worse, not better. It will be you adding further imposition and something that feels insulting to a situation he has explicitly asked be kept at a distance until he is comfortable engaging with you again.

Beyond that, based on the circumstances you find yourself in as related here, I strongly advise you to just save the money. You need it for yourself. You are too quick to throw it out into the world for a person who remains in a fairly precarious place financially. Save it, do not give it away. Focus on stabilizing your practical life. You need that more than the catharsis of sabotaging the remnants of the companionship you felt with this man.

I've said this with the intention of helping, not of sounding cruel, and apologize if it comes off offensive. Don't send him money.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312266#Comment_312266 2011-10-12T23:11:36-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 DavidLejeune http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4220 Bill went a bit more tough love than I was going to, but I will say one more thing: It really sucks to put oneself in a position where all another person has to do to hurt you is nothing, and it ...
Sorry if I've overstepped the bounds of Internet Acquaintanceship, I'll back out of this now.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312269#Comment_312269 2011-10-13T00:56:30-07:00 2011-10-13T01:24:13-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552 You are right, dammit. You guys are right. I wish you weren't, but you are right. I appreciate the brutal honesty. Thank you. I've cared about so few people in my life, and so few people have ...
I appreciate the brutal honesty. Thank you.

I've cared about so few people in my life, and so few people have actually been there for me, that it's really difficult to let him go through terrible stresses when I am able to lighten the load.

But I'm too crazy in the head, I suppose. My gifts would invariably come with the burden of my awkward distant cling.

PS. It's not just him, either. I've had similar wafflings about other non-romantic-interest people that I wished to not abandon. It's just INFINITELY MORE with him. meh. Roommate has told me a number of times that I am in no position to be helping other people, when I mention ideas I have to lift an old friend out of a bad spot or something.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312272#Comment_312272 2011-10-13T02:01:37-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949 @ jay kay: fook that pratt! If i was near him i would mentally attack the fool.I would mind rape him with such utter venom that i would reduce him to a wreck in the corner..i would look at his work ...
I hate people who hide behind the net..or e mail..or s.m.s..

It gets me furious...what a shit teacher someone like that would be!!

Im my opinion everyone can draw,paint,write,etc..some of my little comic things make me cringe when i look at them..but i loved doing them!!

Sounds like a bit of a naff site..maybe not go there anymore if other peoples crap judgemental toss gets to you.

like an arsehole everyone has an opinion..and sometimes they both stink of shit.

I got a major migraine going at moment..need to take some ibupfrofen. Probably read freakangels vol. three.I've been reading it from the beginning..not read vol.4 or 5. I'm a lucky bastard,eh,Whitechapel.

Flame on unt die shit vorld!

Invunche...attack!!!]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312313#Comment_312313 2011-10-13T11:10:36-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Jay Kay http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=814 Thanks for the kind words, guys. :D OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312316#Comment_312316 2011-10-13T11:37:17-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 nelzbub http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10569 @everyone- sympathies, as ever, for your varied worries. @flecky- I, for one, would be well up for reading more of ' all the crazy things i did and saw' . To have come through the craziness that ... @flecky- I, for one, would be well up for reading more of
' all the crazy things i did and saw' .

To have come through the craziness that you have survived with the intelligence and eloquence to be able to share some of those extremes of experience is a strange gift. you tell the tales and I'll read them.

@Rachael- There is, I think something in what your roommate says about taking care of yourself before spending energy on others. It may seem selfish but nobody but you exists behind your eyeballs and if you can put all efforts(funding and energy)into helping yourself get better then you will be in a better place to be able to provide support for those you care about.
But enough of that....Terry Prattchett signing!!!!! I'm dead jealous. I've been a huge fan since i was a schoolkid and used to sneak his books into mass, Years later he did a signing in a bookshop I worked at in Winchester. I came over all nervous fanboy and was too shy to ask for an autograph. I did however make him and his assistant a cup of tea!
I hope you have a great time.

@taphead
-If 2011 had a face, I'd punch it.


Sound idea and I'd back that up with a cricket bat to it's bastard kneecaps!

take it easy folks
nice things for nice people-shit sandwiches for the shits.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312319#Comment_312319 2011-10-13T11:43:01-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Fishelle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854 @flecky- I, for one, would be well up for reading more of ' all the crazy things i did and saw' . Seconded. @flecky- I, for one, would be well up for reading more of

' all the crazy things i did and saw' .

Seconded.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312321#Comment_312321 2011-10-13T11:52:32-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 KPatrickGlover http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1471 So, this divorce thing. I feel sort of weird going on about it, because it's not the disaster it seems at first glance. It's just a bit, I don't know, raw, I guess. Thing is, we've been growing ...
I feel sort of weird going on about it, because it's not the disaster it seems at first glance. It's just a bit, I don't know, raw, I guess. Thing is, we've been growing apart for some time. This isn't a sudden change. And I've been seeing someone else, a girl I've fallen in love with. And my wife and I are parting on good terms. There's not a lot of fighting or anything, it's all very civilized. And I'm making plans with the girlfriend. Hell, we're going bed shopping together on Saturday. So it's not like my life is falling apart.

It's just changing.

Of course I've never been particularly adept at change. And I'm spending a lot of time on this weird emotional roller coaster where everything is going along fine and I get side swiped by a stray memory that just about buries me in grief. And I've got friends and family who are mostly being very supportive. And like I said, the girlfriend (her name is Amanda) is just amazing and I don't regret the decision. I know we're all doing the right thing.

Just wish I could sort of wall off the emotions for a time.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312322#Comment_312322 2011-10-13T11:52:52-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Cameron C. http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4226 @Jay Kay: Don't listen to pricks like that. People who say stuff with only the intention of making someone wanna give up and/or feel like shit are not qualified to be called an artist anyway and ... OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312333#Comment_312333 2011-10-13T13:17:07-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 chris g http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829 fuuuu. the other day i was cooking me some egg whites and usually i like hot sauce on them and then i realized that is probably because my parents split when i was 5 but my dad would visit every once ... clicked right before my eyes.
ANYWAY... can;t wait for that Arkham City!!]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312334#Comment_312334 2011-10-13T13:21:17-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75 @Jay Kay, fuck that guy. @Rachael, agreeing with folks here. I wouldn't send him money. Bill's right, it WILL make the situation worse. @Chris, if you like eggs with hot sauce keep having ...
@Rachael, agreeing with folks here. I wouldn't send him money. Bill's right, it WILL make the situation worse.

@Chris, if you like eggs with hot sauce keep having eggs with hot sauce. Eggs with hot sauce is amazing.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312342#Comment_312342 2011-10-13T14:22:16-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 VertigoJones http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4512 @Chris G. You like Eggs with hot sauce because Eggs with hotsauce is good eating. Fun with work. The company that will be shortly performing my departments role, brought some guys in for ...
Fun with work.
The company that will be shortly performing my departments role, brought some guys in for training on Monday. Somewhat unprofessionally I blanked them for most of that day, having just learned my contract was terminated. At about 1.30 on Tuesday, they were taken out of the building, and didn't come back. Transpired that they were on student visas. I actually felt sorry for them. One of them, was really enthused about the work, despite being educated to a masters level in programming. He would, in his way have been totally wasted and still not been any good at the job, as requirement of educating users is that you be able to speak loudly enough to be heard, but he was amicable and really excited about landing his first full time role, and it must suck to be slapped in the face like that because the company you work for is feckless. Further investigation this week has uncovered A) the fact that everyone on the team is on notice B) the vague promise that some people will be asked to join the "new" team is just that. I'm past playing ball. I'm too old, and I've been through this particular dance something like 5 times now. I've landed an interview, with another part of the bank for a fulltime role, and I'm very, very torn. I need money, I need a roof over my head, but again, I'm getting bound into possibly working for a company that treats people like me like, well, people like me. If I could secure free accommodation for a year, I'd be hunting a tattooing apprenticeship like it was going out of style.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312349#Comment_312349 2011-10-13T16:24:51-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 trini_naenae http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183 I'm going to do fun things tonight so I don't feel shitty because the potential date is unlikely to happen. And Watson is currently making it very difficult to type. Cats, go figure. I have a ...
I have a dilemma. I found someone looking for a roommate on Craigslist, and the rent is great. Apparently the place is spacious, and the only utilities I'd have to pay would be half the heat, which is supposed to be around $50 a month. The thing is, the person is male. And well, y'all are probably aware that I'm a bit paranoid. And that my parents are very conservative and would not like it one bit. But I need to not live with my parents anymore. And I'm really having a hard time finding a place on my own. If I could at least find out some background information on him, I'd feel like going for it wouldn't be too bad, but I don't know anyone who knows him. Guess I just have to keep looking. Ugh.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312357#Comment_312357 2011-10-13T18:44:07-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 allana http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019 Renee: Guess you just have to meet this male person for coffee and shoot the shit for a few hours, you mean. Your instincts don't suck. Believe me, I knew my landlord was a scumbag, but I signed ...
Believe me, I knew my landlord was a scumbag, but I signed the lease anyways because this apartment is too awesome to pass up. I backed out of another great place because that landlady was even worse, so I had a basis for comparison. But, still. I have a Landlord-Tenant hearing for next month.

Don't be like me. Get to know the dude and take a good long look at the place and be really nitpicky and judgemental and THEN decide what to do.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312358#Comment_312358 2011-10-13T18:55:06-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75 Renee, what Allana said. Check out the place, talk with him for a while, figure it out. And if you think the desperation of getting the hell out of your parent's house is altering the decision and ... OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312360#Comment_312360 2011-10-13T18:58:18-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 allana http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019 In Allana news: Today was a banner. Got great news about money - was actually woken up by the phonecall. Amazing way to start. Did my first programming project in years in about two hours this ... Today was a banner. Got great news about money - was actually woken up by the phonecall. Amazing way to start.
Did my first programming project in years in about two hours this afternoon, and will probably spend two more hours tomorrow tweaking it, but it was super fun. Now I'm back on a coding kick and sprucing up old websites to use in a portfolio. Yay!
Copyediting class was great; left a copy of the magazine I'm working on with my professor so she'll understand the angle from which I'm coming (the writing is... imaginative? Creative? Drug-addled? Totally devoid of grammatical structure? I'm still being polite, here).
Also left stacks of issues with the hipster-y shops near my house; will try to hit a few more tomorrow and deplete the 100 or so issues sitting in my apartment.
The only thing that sucked about today is that my date for a concert this weekend cancelled on me, so I'm either going alone or taking a friend who doesn't actually like music. Hrm.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312375#Comment_312375 2011-10-13T22:13:26-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 DavidLejeune http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4220 Thirding 'meet guy, check out prospective apartment in person' recommendations. Figure out what the terms would be as far as getting out if things don't work, find out if he's in a relationship (if ...
Personal spleen-vent: I'm really really hating Phoenix now. Work has slowed down, which ordinarily would be good, but I'm just bored out of my fucking mind both in and out of the office now. Last week two bands that I really like were supposed to play a show out here, but it was cancelled, which just knocked out what little wind was left in my sails. I've been having really weird dreams, and just generally getting more depressed and cabin-fevery. I feel like I've been eating way too much meat, but there don't seem to be any decent analogues for the vegetarian eating options I had back home, and I can only have pizza and black bean tacos so many times in a week. I really want to go to the mountains and do some astrophotography, but none of the mountains out here look like good prospects for it (they don't appear to be high enough, and the air quality is generally pretty shit out here). I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate until the 28th, when I'm driving back to LA to try and have some fun for Hallowe'en.

And I have to figure out what I'm going to do for Thanksgiving, because I can't stay here, and I sure as hell ain't going to Palm Springs to spend it with my mother.

If I can't get a job back in California sometime next year I don't know what I'm going to do, because this city feels like it's killing me.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312378#Comment_312378 2011-10-13T22:40:53-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 trini_naenae http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183 @Allana, Robin and David: Thanks. I'll be meeting him tomorrow and I'll go from there. Tomorrow is going to be interesting. And hopefully I'll have the time/energy/desire to go through my ...
Tomorrow is going to be interesting. And hopefully I'll have the time/energy/desire to go through my various photos - I even have some self portraits.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312394#Comment_312394 2011-10-14T05:21:02-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216 God damn my physical ailments. I am getting so pissed off at my limitation lately... I suffer from Psoriatic Arthritis in just about every joint of my body and have a messed up stomach that decided ... I suffer from Psoriatic Arthritis in just about every joint of my body and have a messed up stomach that decided to stop working if I get too stressed out or tax it too much...
I used to be in peak physical condition. I grew up eating healthy home grown and caught/raised foods, I ran cross country for fun, and was beautiful and lean and energetic. I felt great. I was the grand daughter of a famous folk artist, and was told my entire life that I was going to be a great artist. I went to college for seven years to be an artist. I never graduated though because I got SARS one year, which ruined a semester, then I got a breast cancer scare (the doctor assured me I'd need surgery and that I'd have to drop out of school, then it ended up just being a swollen gland from too much caffiene), then my arthritis took a turn for the worse and I ended up in a wheel chair for a summer. After a while, the arthritis spread through my whole body. My hands are next to useless now, and I'm in constant pain everywhere. I don't have health Insurance because I've never popped out a kid. I can't take pain meds because my stomach can't tolerate them, and my only other treatment option, If I could get some sort of insurance or medical assistance, is an immune suppressor. My immune system is already craptacular now, and I have pets, kids, and have to interact with money and lots of people in my line of work, so I'm pretty sure I'd die a quick death from infections if I tried that route. I told a doctor that I felt that my treatment was kind of like voluntary HIV and he reluctantly agreed.
So I try to just push on and ignore it, keeping myself loaded up on "herbal supplements". Unfortunately low energy levels and pain keep me from being able to do much. I spend day after day wishing I could go hang out and have adventures with my friends, or at least maybe go out to a bar and have a drink now and then, maybe meet a cute girl or some such, but most nights I feel like crap, and most days I'm lucky to get out to the grocery store. I'm terrified that I'm going to end up in a wheelchair, or that all the joints in my fingers will fuse (like two of them already have). I'm not the type to sit home like this, night after night. My friends go out and do awesome things all the time and I'm generally not even thought of to invite because of my ailments. I get lonely and frustrated to the point of tears. My poor husband does the best he can, but he's legally blind, a homebody, and busy with taking care of me and the kids and the business and the housework and everything else I can't do very well anymore.
I've got a director friend that wants to get me into some of his movies, but I don't think he knows about my ailments. I'm really afraid that on camera my lumpy, mishapen hands will look weird. Granted one of the films is a documentary, so that still might be cool, but anything else I'm really scared just won't fly, and I know that it will hurt my feelings, no matter how my logical mind understands why I'd be dismissed. It still really sucks...
I'm working on getting Disability assistance, but it's slow going and frustrating...maybe one day I'll at least be able to get help for my other ailments, even if there's little they can do for my arthritis.

god dammit.
Everything I could have been was stripped from me because of this stupid disease. I'm having to reinvent myself, and it's really hard to do, when you're so physically limited...]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312426#Comment_312426 2011-10-14T14:43:59-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 KPatrickGlover http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1471 Found out today that a friend (and cousin of my soon to be ex-wife) fell off his boat and drowned last night. He was forty something, with a little five year old boy. I can't even focus anymore
I can't even focus anymore]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312438#Comment_312438 2011-10-14T17:45:24-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Scrymgeour http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4141 this sounds a little callous but all the stuff i was going to write here seems inconsequential. Just the usual graduate unable to find a good job melodrama. Good luck to everyone. Good luck to everyone.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312441#Comment_312441 2011-10-14T18:45:38-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Finagle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5254 Tonight's plan: - Cheap red wine and coke mixed - Kind bud - HD version of The Towering Inferno That THAT, week that was.
- Cheap red wine and coke mixed
- Kind bud
- HD version of The Towering Inferno

That THAT, week that was.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312443#Comment_312443 2011-10-14T19:52:47-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 trini_naenae http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183 Damn. Sorry to hear it Pooka. That's just. Fuck. @KPatrickGlover: When it rains, it pours, yeah? I hope you survive the weekend ok. As for me... this week has been odd. My work schedule ...
@KPatrickGlover: When it rains, it pours, yeah? I hope you survive the weekend ok.

As for me... this week has been odd. My work schedule was all off, resulting on having an evening off last night. Usually I'd just spend the night at home, but I potentially was going on a date, and was going to do something fun regardless of whether the date happened or not. I ended up going to a bar that's attached to a theater, and it turned out that it was the opening night of Hamlet, and I had gotten there after it started. So I hung out with the bartenders until the intermissions, at which point I got out of the way during the mad rush to the bar. It was kind of fun, getting to know people, trying very hard to be as quiet as possible, in a mostly empty bar. I got invited to two events - a Halloween party and a show, both at the end of the month. I'm still not sure what I'm going to dress up as, but I should figure it out soon enough. I'm leaning towards a Soviet spy.

Today I did my errands and met with the potential roommate, and he is quite odd. Apparently he was homeless for a while, and then lived in tents, and now he's getting used to living indoors again. I did check the place out, and while it was not that great, it wasn't horrible, except that it smelled awful. He's a smoker, but he said he smoked outside. I'm not so sure. Ew. I need to send him an email that it's not going to work. The smell is just too awful. And while for the most part he seemed ok-ish, there was some weirdness that made me uncomfortable. But really, it boils down to the smell.

Now I'm just chilling and Watson is keeping me company.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312510#Comment_312510 2011-10-15T15:47:37-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949 I feel like utter shite.I've got this bastard migraine that will not fuck off.I was going to reduce my meds for my detox but at the moment what i am taking is not holding me at all. I am going ... I am going insane.I've been hallucinating like i don't know what.Everything just looks so bright and distorted.

Fucksake...I really don't need this..fucking despair and depression..i can't even read..even doing this is melting my eyes..

This shit..payback for taking so many opiates..its a good job i'm a mean old bastard..relief is just a phone call away..one pipe of evil shit crack would numb my head and stop this all..but i just can't.Once i start then that will be that..all these months of hard work would be out the window..i have to take heroin for the crack comedown..it would send my tolerance right up and i would hate myself for giving in..

I don't know..guess if i stay strong it will get better..i keep putting my head down and going into twisted sleep..and oversleeping is just making it worse..

I'm going to go and eat something,take some ibuprofen,drink coffee,smoke roll ups and just soldier the fuck on..

Read freakangels vol 4..fooksake ya bastards!!]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312535#Comment_312535 2011-10-15T20:55:18-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552 @Pooka - good god. I can empathize. I understand completely when you say that the circumstances of your life have ripped away your potential future. However, I'm pretty sure that nobody is ...
I can empathize. I understand completely when you say that the circumstances of your life have ripped away your potential future.

However, I'm pretty sure that nobody is going to notice your hands except you, or people with similar ailments. That show, Warehouse 13, the lead female on the show has scoliosis. I noticed right away. I looked about online, and only other people with scoliosis had noticed. It seemed so glaringly obvious to me, and it IS, but only to someone who is attuned to such things. Your hands will look fine.

In a similar vein, when last week I went to the least crappy doctor i've seen in years, he'd been trying to give me a pep talk. Telling me how I could find something to do within my limitations. Telling me stories of people missing limbs and whatnot. Even a doctor doesn't seem to understand that I'd gladly give up both my legs if that meant my eyes and hands would work properly, and if I didn't hurt constantly, and if I had any sort of endurance and didn't fight to get up and out of my pajamas every day. Having a chronic ILLNESS is not the same thing as simply having a physical disability.

I'm sorry for your loss.

As for me...

The Medicaid I was so very excited about? It doesn't kick in until February.

Also, the smell of dead things that smell like rotten feet in the walls has taken over the kitchen for days. We'd moved the fridge, the stove, mopped with bleach behind, all to no avail. We just have to wait for it to slowly fade.

The smell of dead mouse in my bedroom grew, and I had to start lugging hte boxes and milkcrates coating all the floor space from side to side to find the source. It was a dead mouse right at the foot of my bed. I removed it, but the smell continued. As I attempted Project Milkcrate Bedframe, I discovered I grew closer to the smell. It was inside my boxspring, and I had to rip the material off the bottom to remove the hefty mouse.

I felt pretty grossed out about this until I ran into an old awesome friend today who told me about how his girlfriend and he had to rush out of the house from a fire alarm, and then discovered that she'd put on tight pants that'd had a mouse hiding in them.

I feel a bit better, now.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312556#Comment_312556 2011-10-15T23:00:33-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 chris g http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1829 God fuck it. i give up. still too annoyed at the world to retell my story so i'll paste my tweets: clueless black dude w/ the cheap date: Fuuuck you for even thinking about implying the race card. A ...
clueless black dude w/ the cheap date: Fuuuck you for even thinking about implying the race card. A good 75% of my customers at work? black!

i don't know who the fuck he was trying to kid with his baby blue polo shirt and Usher/Obama/Miles Morales buzzcut...

i usually try to be nice and sweet to everyone i meet. FUCK, today i let an old lady hold onto my arm so she could stand up!!! ARRRGH

i try and pretend to have faith and see good in people and this what I get? pissy sheltered piece of shit. this world deserves to burn NOW

George Carlin was right, the experiment failed. let's get wiped the fuck out and start over, HAW HAW!
lolz, anyway. i've dealt with worse mother fuckers than the wannabe-disenfranchised piece of shit that came into my store today. Basically I kept my cool until the couple got bored and left. Stupid kids acting like they fit into the big boy pants. the moron didn't even know how buying furniture works so he got all mumbly and left with his stupid girlfriend. I went to the supermarket to shop and decompress and then I got home and fantasized about how sweet it would be to just this once sacrifice one mother fucker BUT then I realized humans are simply not worth it and well I'll just keep being a kind and compassionate person out in public, but in my personal bubble time I really can't wait to see everything burn the fuck down (cuz I'm a demon! rawwwwr lololololol). but yeah, I'm tired of all the stupid disgusting humans unless they're my friends or my beloved cat.

Mind you, this is all because 30 min. to closing time and I didn't bend over backwards for this motherfucker after dealing with people all day.

It's a good thing i have a routine and hobbies and actual grown up priorities or else i'd take hostages at a fucking Denny's or something! Shit man, racial tension/paranoia is the last fucking thing on my mind. I'm a fucking artist and all i care about is whether other people can create art and fucking bring it.

Any-fucking-way, hopefully next week I'll be working with some people setting up a Warner Bros movie on the street I work on. My boss won't pay me to be at the store past 5 but he's made a deal and contract with Mr. Key Assitant Location Manager Man and said he'll pay me to keep the store open later. Maybe I can meet Sean Penn an Emma Stone lol. I fucking better for the time I'm gonna be sacrificing. I was sooo ready to cut off the world and loved ones so I can devote myself to playing Arkham City, haha. But I really like money so I'll have to hang in there a little more.

blah, i had a couple of beers earlier but getting dr0nk hasn't been fun for the last coupled of weekends. might be ready to become a straight edge asshole.

PS: I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. that's how pissed I still am. Not so much at over sheltered black boy with too much time on his stupid Saturday evening, but negative ideas. I will fight back with better ideas. I read Batman comics you sons of bitches.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312557#Comment_312557 2011-10-15T23:22:09-07:00 2012-01-03T20:41:16-08:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949 @Pooka: I don't know what to say except i feel for you. @Rachael Tyrell:Sorry you have to wait till febuary for the Medicaid thing.Shit like that just don't seem fair.I've said before how the ... @Rachael Tyrell:Sorry you have to wait till febuary for the Medicaid thing.Shit like that just don't seem fair.I've said before how the healthcare system in the states makes me sick to the core.Glad you got rid of that rat bastard stink of dead mouse..last thing you need is the reek of putrefaction in your life.Good work with Project Milkcrate Bedframe...

Damn...has my stupid server just collapsed on me again? Fook it....i scream into the void all the time so if this doesn't make it then so what?.So much of life is just futility anyway.

All said and done the N.H.S in England is going to shite too.I know this as a fact...I work at the drug dependency unit i attend and the've laid off loads of staff.They are starting to rely on saps like me to put in hours for a pittance.I don't mind though...in fact i want to do it...me and the service users forum act as a sort of defence for the addicts in treatment.I'm not just saying it..i've seen some real abuse of power by twisted key workers over the years.One twisted bitch didn't give a crippled prostitute with crumbling bones who could hardly walk her diamorphine because she was a couple of minutes late for the pick up time in the morning.She was meant to be given over a weeks supply for over a xmas,which is always a hard time for addicts.She was a good friend of mine and had a heart of gold.Next thing i heard was that she jumped out of her flat in Earls Court and was impalled on the ground floor railings.

I feel a bit better than earlier..this weekend has been pure torment for me..and i'm not just being a whiny junky..even when i finish this detox i've got to live with the fact that my legs are done in for life,that i can have a heart attack at anytime from a enlarged ventricle(?) going to my lung and i got active hepatitus c to deal with.
I really don't know how i manage to keep on fighting..earlier on if i had a gun i reckon i would have played russian roulette with myself..sometimes the only thing that stops me ending all this shite is that i couldn't inflict the pain on my elderly mom and dad.

@gov spy:i hope all is going as well as possible with your partners battle with the drink.You seem to be doing so well which makes me happy.

Got to go..need to disincorperate the bodies of my last few victims...i told them not to look at me funny but did they listen? No! The idiots brought it on themselves..where's my chainsaw?...ahh..next to the rotten head of a traffic warden...]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312577#Comment_312577 2011-10-16T05:23:15-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216 sigh..so...yeah...this shit sucks...hurts like a son of a bitch, everywhere constantly, so I'm generally in a pretty bad mood. I found out that the film I'm going to be helping with is non fiction, ... So on a brighter note, I get to help make a consipiracy theory movie about a town I lived and crazy cat ladied in for ten years...I'm pretty excited. I hope I don't come off as too much of a crackpot, but I just calls em like I sees em, and I've seen a lot of weird things.
That bad mood thing's gotten me into trouble. I had this sweet nsa fun time deal with one of my best buddies, but I got all emotional and pissy a couple times too many and he called it off. very upsetting...it was really helping me feel a little less a crippled thirty something and helped give me something extra to focus on so I don't drive my husband crazy (yeah, he's cool, we've been together for over ten years now and everythings awesome...I just require more attention and affection than I can rightfully ask one person to give, and we're both a couple of pervs, so it's all good lol).
So I guess I'm through with boys...this one's ruined me for the all the other cats. I don't think I can top him so I'm not going to try. Maybe one day I'll find a girl that fulfills my needs, until then, i'm just going to be a sullen, angsty bitch...he's still my friend, but I really miss the attention. I'm such a needy girl these days. It all goes back to my stupid ailments. The desperation I feel for being trapped in this body bleeds out into other emotional trauma. I know this about myself, but I still can't help feeling how I feel. I'm hoping that breaking into this whole acting thing will help me feel a little more accepted and such...all my friends are actors, artists, and musicians...I've been promoting some of them for years, but never really got involved beyond that.
I guess I'm kinda going through a bit of a mid life crisis...no, thirty one isn't too young for that...
We just started a new business and i've just passed the one year mark in a new city, new friends, new life altogether...I'm anxious to reinvent myself, and find my place in my new life...and it's hard to do when i'm so physically limited...
arg. just arg....]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312594#Comment_312594 2011-10-16T11:07:38-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552 Yeah, it's a beautiful day, the NYCC is going on but a subway ride away, as is OWS, as is a fringe music event with one of my favorite DJs, and a Blade Runner themed party later tonight, but I went ...
If I weren't afraid of getting detained and my antibiotics and pain pills taken from me, and afraid of having my body damaged, I'd have been down at OWS all week. I feel like a terrible human failure for that. And an artistic failure. And a journalistic failure.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312597#Comment_312597 2011-10-16T11:29:48-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 trini_naenae http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183 @Rachael: Don't beat yourself up because you can't go at OWS. You have to take care of yourself today so hopefully one day you can beat Lymes and Chiari and get to live much more fully and ...
@Pooka: I don't know what so say. It's just so awful. Hugs?]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312628#Comment_312628 2011-10-16T17:52:12-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216 meh...It's only awful when I think about it and then vent about it on the internets. Most of the time my life is pretty fun despite the pain and lack of funds. I mean, I sell toys and comic books ... and in a few minutes, I'm off to fullfill a commitment to listen to a friend of mine's band play at a bar I want to go back to anyway because I wanna book my own event there in december...so, I do get my fun now and then, I just wish I had someone to go with me.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312632#Comment_312632 2011-10-16T18:23:49-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 razrangel http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075 I've been holding back from myself all the things I can do and I'm running into a wall I built and feeling both surprised and irritated with my surprise. We run so far and fast from ourselves we ...
Well, at least I got back on the exercise machine today. I wonder if I can make that turn into a habit. I honestly miss habitual exercise. And detest how easily I lose my breath. There's so much I have to do.

I started up community service this week. It roils me so much because I'm still angry about the traffic ticket and I don't know how bad it'll screw me over with my car insurance and... I don't mind service. In fact, when I'm not required to do it I really like helping people. I've put in time at soup kitchens, tutoring, cleaning streets and parks, taking food to people, producing concerts to raise money for good causes...for nothing. Just because I could. Having it be mandatory really annoys me, though. There's a lot of bureaucracy involved with the center I help at. It bothers me too, and it bothers the people I work with. The city requires all kinds of paper work to identify who's getting the boxes of dry goods. As if turning up hungry isn't enough. Well, it's probably to try to catch illegal immigrants. Yeah, definitely not the kind of service I like doing. I can help in English and Spanish. There's a contingent of Filipinos in the vicinity, but I don't speak Taglog. One of the ladies in the office is Japanese and I had the curious experience of addressing her in Japanese and having her answer me in English. I guess she's way more used to it. I try to keep my Japanese-showing-off on a short leash. Most Nihonjin didn't come out here to be my tutors.

My dad has been sick. It's deeply worrisome. He refuses to take care of himself and makes it hard for us to take care of him. A bit of a scare this week with blood transfusion and kidney testing. He's seen other people go through dialysis and he's scared of it. Maybe that'll scare him straight? I don't know, it's tiring. I know he's depressed but he's off the age that depression is a weakness, not an illness, and so he works to not acknowledge it and so sinks more into its grip. So odd, offputing, that the man most responsible for getting me early on to try to find beauty and peace in every moment is the one who's losing himself to darkness and futility. (Why do people always think I'm in the process of saying good bye? Why do they think I'm anticipating his death? I know it's totally possible, and I'm bone-cold terrified of it. I don't want my daddy to die!)

Too much running around this week but that's how life is sometimes. It's just expensive and has the annoying effect of making tasks get shoved down till later. And it's very tiring. Gah. if only I didn't have to sleep. And if gasoline weren't such a pain to continually be buying. Then I could really get some shit done. But I have the East Asian language pack on my new-to-me computer so I can write in Japanese, I have some food for thought from improv class (with a really cool, challenging lady - though it's indirectly causing me to contemplate how sweet people can sometimes be terrifically clueless), had pumpkin pancakes with my best friend, went to a really big fun party that I had to leave early (and was really bummed about that) and helped my theater company strike the set to our latest play.

Just... stuff. Running around and doing stuff. Nothing momentous, though it should have been. I should have my damn demo on CDs and be throwing them at other people in the business...I should have the demo posted online at the very least! I should be writing to people, connecting, networking, hunting for work. Though I guess the truth is I am quite busy with just what I have on my plate at the moment. When I'm not proactive about what I do want to be doing, the world finds other things for me to think about. And I get twisted about, unsure of where to start.

(Neither here nor there: and I would really like it if my subconscious quit reminding me, almost nightly, how nice it would be to have someone to cuddle with after dark. Um, I know that already. Waking up from the dreams by myself just makes the singleness cut deeper.)]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312639#Comment_312639 2011-10-16T21:52:46-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Fishelle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854 This weekend I went on a trip to the town I used to live and go to school in. I'd been looking forward to it for months. I got to see basically everyone I had missed, and I stayed the two nights I ...
Unfortunately, the ex boyfriend, who lives in that town and shares many friends with me, did his best to make my trip miserable. Despite previous conversations in which he pleaded for me to stay his friend forever even though the romantic aspect of things was temporary, and the fact that I was willing to be perfectly nice to his new girlfriend, he refused to have any sort of conversation with me. He made it quite obvious that my presence annoyed him to no end.

On saturday night everyone that I went to visit was putting up a gallery because they have a small show opening on monday. I wanted to help out. I have experience working in a gallery, but more importantly, I wanted to be with my friends. The boy made a fuss about it, so I didn't.

Instead, I took a walk to the cemetery in town. Someone once told me that a cemetery was the best place to go to cry, because no one would ask any questions. The longer I knelt on the grass with those gravestones, the more it struck me that this was the perfect spot to mourn the loss of an old friend. After an hour or so, I decided to head back to my friend's apartment. I gave one of them a call to see how much work they had left to do. A lot, apparently.

After texting some of my frustration to this friend, another one of the girls came and cried with me for a bit. She talked me into going to where everyone was setting up regardless of the boy, which I was hesitant to do because I didn't want all of my friends to have to deal with the drama. I didn't mind bothering him, but everyone else deserved to be happy. She said that if anyone had a problem with it, it was her idea and people could be mad at her for it.

We went, and everyone was relatively quiet about it. The boy was a bit of a jerk, but I ignored his childishness as well as I could. Everyone else, with the exception of his girlfriend, was super nice and happy to see me. I didn't really help much, but I at least got to spend some time with people I can actually call friends.

That night I read a status update he'd posted on facebook, the Tom Wait's quote, "Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends." As if it weren't obvious enough this was directed at me, the only reason he has any familiarity with Tom Waits is my obsession with the man and his music. I promptly deleted the boy from my friends list.

I really don't understand what was going through his head. Our relationship was an odd one. We knew from the start it was a temporary thing, and it only happened because we were in love with other people that we couldn't be with. We spent all those months promising to still be friends when it was over. He would have known I was not really jealous of his new girl. Sure, the usual sort of sting regarding this situations was there. We had only broken up a few months ago, and I couldn't help but compare this new girl and myself a little. But even when we were dating I was very open about that sort of thing, to the point it didn't bother me when he talked about how a certain juice drink tasted just like an old girlfriend or anything. If I had known the girl he was so crazy about when we were together, I probably would have tried to convince her to give him a shot and at least be his friend again. I loved the boy, and all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I knew that wouldn't always be with me. That was fine. I was attached to the boy, but I could get over it as long as we were on good terms and he was happy.

When I found out he was dating someone else at first, I did come here to say "fuck" about it. But after a day or two, I realized I wasn't all that hurt that he was sleeping with someone else. I was hurt that I was no longer a good enough friend to know what was going on with his life before the rest of the world. And yeah, I was a little stung that he had a picture of them holding hands when he had avoided any photographs with me for months. But mostly, it was that he didn't think he could tell me about it.

If he'd made any sort of small attempt at friendliness this weekend, things would be different. But after kneeling in that graveyard, sobbing and wishing I was dead for so long, I finally figured it out. I'm going to do my best to keep the boy out of my life for the remainder of it. He's hurt me worse than any other human being ever has, and I refuse to let him do it again. I said my goodbyes to my friend, and now he might as well be dead.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312668#Comment_312668 2011-10-17T06:08:14-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216 went to a pretty neat little concert last night. two thrash metal bands set up about twenty feet apart, with the small crowd bundled between them. They then commenced to a battle of the bands. It ... so...that was cool...finally got the contact info for scheduling my own show, but my business partner is being all distant and unresponsive now, and it's getting really hard to get anything done. He's supposed to be helping me with a few things but he's always running off filming and doing deals with his other business partners, like my shit doesn't matter. I know his other work is important but every time I bring something up he gets snippy with me.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to move forward but I'm always kept waiting on someone else...if it's not my business partner it's my husband, drag assing on getting our website up and running. i can't do shit until that's done, and I have absolutely zero web design skills..I'm a traditional artist, not a damned techy..:P.
Also....
I keep getting questioned by some of my creative friends about my shows, and when I'm going to host something they can get involved in...so I'm thinking about starting a whole series of creative art shows in Lexington...maybe one every couple months. A poetry and writing jam kinda event maybe...don't know how I'll make money on that but I'll figure something out, an art and music show (which is the one i'm trying to get planned now) and a film festival of some kind. I could do these twice a year and it would keep me pretty busy organizing it. Might as well just do a music thing too for the hell of it since I know a number of bands here now...
huh...ya know...I think I'm going to go make a public proposal to my facebook contacts about it lol...thanks whitechapel for letting me rant and be productive :)]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312679#Comment_312679 2011-10-17T10:57:17-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75 Things have actually been...pretty okay lately. The Mapplethorpe book is really hitting me with inspiration, as it's awesome to see work by an artist who was still trying to find his footing in ...
I also joined the boxing gym for a one year membership, which I'm kind of proud of myself for doing. I'm planning on going three times a week for a bit and seeing where the goes. Just went on Saturday and my legs are killing me from all the running around on the balls of my feet (70-80% of boxing is dancing, my coach says). Despite the pain I'm going again tonight. This time I'm going to remember to bring a protein bar because holy DAMN you get hungry after that workout.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312841#Comment_312841 2011-10-18T13:40:31-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552 So. Yesterday was awesome and crushing. I had an appointment with my awesome new rheumatologist at 4, and a fancy play thing to attend at 8. I stuffed my fancy dress and shoes in my bag and went ...
I had an appointment with my awesome new rheumatologist at 4, and a fancy play thing to attend at 8. I stuffed my fancy dress and shoes in my bag and went to Manhattan. But here's the problem: the pharmacy didn't give me all my antibiotics, I'd run out on Saturday, and told me they'd not have my script ready until after 5 on Monday. I left my neihborhood by 3:15, went to a Staples and printed out my entire medical record history (which I have scanned in for easy access) costing me over $50, then hopped in a cab to get to my doctor's office. A fifteen dollar cabride, but kind of nice to take a car up Park Avenue from 14th Street to 76th on a sunny autumn afternoon. I felt so fancy and decadent!

And then i waited for an hour to be seen, the pressure mounting in my head. It got to be 5:00 and I was still waiting to be seen, so I asked my friend (who I'd urged to go to this show with me) if she was home, and if she'd possibly be willing and able to grab my antibiotics on her way in to the show. There was a chance I'd be able to take the subway back home and then back out to Manhattan in time, but that'd be cutting it terribly close. Luckily, my friend said it'd be no problem.

My doctor, though he made me wait, really is a nice old man. He told me he'd look through all my doctor reports (which is a fucking BOOK), and kept telling me that I needed a longitutinal study of my health, and that he would blood test me for many things. I got out at around six.

I ended up spending the next hour in a Verizon store trying to return the second replacement phone they'd sent me that is missing volume buttons. And then, less than an hour before the fancy event, my friend told me she didn't get my meds.

My head was already pressurizing, and I knew I'd never make it through another night without my pills. I went to the pharmacy near the event, hoping that maybe a different pharmacy of the same chain could be talked into giving me my antibiotics, but they were closed. It was 8:00, and i was out of ideas, and in pain and tears. So, I missed the show and went home, and got my pills just as the local pharmacy was closing.

It's silly, I guess. But it takes a lot out of me to dress up and go out. I had to cancel at the last minute on a gracious invititation I'd recieved. I was really heartbroken about the entire affair. Moreso when my friend apoloigized, but expalined that she'd told someone she'd be there at a certain time, and she'd run out of time. I explained to my friend that by the same token, she'd told me she'd get my pills, and that I'd have rather her told me she couldn't have from the beginning, because I'd have tried to arrange something else. I could have tried to come back to to get them and gone back out. I was told that if i could have gotten them myself, I shouldn't have asked her to get them in the first place.

And I guess she's right.

I think I might have ridiculously high standards for humans. I seem to get crushed so easily and often.

But I should have remembered that she hid in her room when others helped me moving in; that she knowingly hid in her room during 80% of the moving out process of a neihbor while I was busting my ass, only to show up at the 11th hour and make two trips up and down the stairs. I, meanwhile, broken that I am, will wreck myself helping if I can, knowing that I'll probably be in pain from it. Not for accolades, but because it's... right and good. Because moving sucks, emotionally and physically, and I'll lessen someone else's burden if I can.

I guess I'm just not very smart in that way. Nor am I the type of person who will get ahead. People like me just don't. I'm not strategically giving. I just don't think about things that way. I keep trying to.

Yesterday was the third day in a row that I went out, and I'm paying for it greatly today.

And for spending that hour in the Verizon store yesterday, I got rewarded today with the arrival of a THIRD replacement phone without volume buttons.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312842#Comment_312842 2011-10-18T13:42:28-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552 @ Fishelle - Going to a graveyard to cry, well that's just brilliant. OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312844#Comment_312844 2011-10-18T13:53:47-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 razrangel http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075 Absolutely nothing wrong with expecting people to be as good as their word. Even if few ever are. OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312859#Comment_312859 2011-10-18T16:26:00-07:00 2011-10-18T16:53:13-07:00 Argos http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792 @Fishelle - sounds like you've done the best. I had to cut my first boyfriend out of my life after he hurt me (we were good friends before we dated so it had some extra sting to it when he hurt me). ...
@Rachael, I second what raz says.

So my rant. The other night a friend gave me a ride home after a birthday party we were both at. He mentioned that he was taking aerial silk classes for fun, but also hoping that it would help him attain more of a muscular physique he's been wanting. I replied "oh, I know what you mean, I kind of want to lose some weight to get more muscle definition now that I've been strength training recently." And he starts giving me shit for it.

He goes off on how I already look fine the way I am and there's no reason I should be looking to lose weight and if anything if I do lose weight I'll be less attractive. So I assured him that my weight loss goals had more to do with reaching my fitness goals and less with vanity goals, as I'm already comfortable with my body shape the way it is, but I did think that the look of defined muscles is nice. I mentioned as an example when I used to rock climb, and though I got stronger, I got to a point where I just had too much excess dead weight to really get much better, and he says something like "oh I highly doubt that was the case" or something to the meaning of "I doubt that was really the solution you needed.

Now, I'm someone who's, since middle school, been overweight to some degree. This guy has always been a skinny boy. So I'm sitting there thinking "how the hell can you say that when you've never known what it's like to be carrying excess dead weight holding you back in physical activities?" Not to mention that there is some level of physics involved here, I mean if you have x amount of muscle, it will have an easier time hauling less weight than more up a 50 foot wall. Duh.

So, next morning he writes me an email apologizing if he's said anything inappropriate, but he hates it when women try to lose weight to "try and fit into a mold for some unknown reason." So I replied, again assuring him that it was mostly for fitness reasons, and as for the vanity part, I was trying to get defined muscles, not model skinny like the media tries pushing onto people. And he replies "I'm still not entirely convinced you're not trying to fit into some mold that isn't the one you ought to be in." WTF?!

Okay, so when he says he's trying to get more muscular, that's all fine and dandy, but when I say that I'm trying to lose weight so I can define my muscles, suddenly I'm just trying to fit into a mold? Why, because I'm female and clearly only females ever want to lose weight to fit the media's mold? And what's this "the mold he thinks is the one I ought to be in" crap? I'm not going to not lose weight just because I happen to have the body shape which is the one he's attracted to (the "thick" woman frame, as some call it). And if there's anyone that I'm going to lose or not lose weight for, it sure as hell isn't going to be some random guy who isn't the one I'm currently in a relationship with. Further, does this guy not realize that telling someone that if they'll be less attractive if they lose weight is just as bad as telling someone that they need to lose weight to be attractive? We are talking about moderate weight loss and fitness goals here. I'm currently a size 15 (32" waist, 42"hips) female; there's nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight at that size, especially not for someone like me for whom type 2 diabetes runs in the family (though granted I didn't tell him this).

Anyway, I'm just pissed that I've been working very hard the last year to get healthier and more fit, having lost 25 pounds in the process, and when I say I want to get muscle definition, someone gives me shit for it. Not to mention he was being totally hypocritical in the process since he mentioned wanting to get more muscular, too. It's one thing to try and and talk someone out of losing weight if they have unreasonable goals and it poses a risk to their health, but to push one's own beauty standards on someone and tell them they have a certain mold they should be in because that's the mold one is attracted to, or to chastise someone as wanting to lose weight for the wrong reasons just because they're female is pretty fucked up.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312867#Comment_312867 2011-10-18T17:19:49-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719 @Argos, you have an incredibly healthy attitude towards getting fit and losing weight. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. ... Unless out of the blue you become an anorexerciser, which I highly ...
... Unless out of the blue you become an anorexerciser, which I highly doubt you will become because you're a well-balanced lady. As well as an incredibly attractive lady... mrrrrrowr!]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312868#Comment_312868 2011-10-18T17:21:18-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552 @ Argos - I understand entirely. The portions of media that ignore the health risks of being CLINICALLY overweight and delve into obesity as a fashion statement that demands acceptance are JUST as ...
There is healthy female curvature that should be accepted in mainstream media as being normal, wonderful, and healthy, yes... but the idea that only one type of body is media acceptable, and anything within that realm is trying to attain media acceptance is bullshit.

I hear similar crap about breast enlargement. Oh, it's FABULOUS for MtF to get it done, it's empowering and whatnot. But for straight women to get it done is somehow ALWAYS an anti-feminist statement. As though women can't have their own opinion what they want to look like.

(Personally, I always wanted arms like Sarah Connor in T2. Ever since I saw that movie in the theatre when I was like, 13. Mmmmmph.)]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312878#Comment_312878 2011-10-18T18:58:01-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 tedcroland http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2106 First off, thanks to Rachael and Fishelle for your responses. Having an external entity affirm my existence helps me out of those self-centered little pout sessions. I really appreciate both the ...
@Argos: I will both play devil's advocate and not. I agree with you wholly--your body is your own, and you have the right to shape it how you like without being judged. The fact that you have a really good reason for wanting to do so is supplementary.

But I have to say, as a man who is attracted to women, it is frustrating to hear women talk about wanting to lose weight. It sounds like your friend's frustrations were misplaced, especially after explaining to him why you were doing it, and it sounds like he has trust problems or perhaps a certain amount of self-centeredness to work on, but I see where his brain fired at the initial information.

It has been years since I've seen a magazine cover and thought "what a beautiful woman." Most of the time I think "I hope there isn't anyone who thinks that is even close to real." I like real women with real bodies, real minds, real opinions of themselves and how the present themselves. When a woman that I find attractive says "I'm SO fat," my reaction is "No you don't, other people told you you were fat in such a way that convinced you without argument. Also, you aren't." It sounds arrogant, so I largely keep it to myself and I try and be supportive rather than judgmental (like y'do), but it's still frustrating. So just know that his irritation wasn't even really with you, it is with what he thought was a biased system making you feel unattractive when you are. Even if that's not what you were thinking.

So I guess my point is that his reaction was earnest and his intentions weren't bad, but he was kind of a dick about it? I don't know if that's better. I'll shut up now.

@Fishelle Sounds like your ex has some guilt built up around you and is trying to off set that with being a dick. It's a weird crossed wire I've come across before. You did right by your actual friends, and that's all that matters. Good on ya.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312881#Comment_312881 2011-10-18T19:20:39-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75 @Argos: It's one thing to try and and talk someone out of losing weight if they have unreasonable goals and it poses a risk to their health, but to push one's own beauty standards on someone and ...
It's one thing to try and and talk someone out of losing weight if they have unreasonable goals and it poses a risk to their health, but to push one's own beauty standards on someone and tell them they have a certain mold they should be in because that's the mold one is attracted to, or to chastise someone as wanting to lose weight for the wrong reasons just because they're female is pretty fucked up.


You actually said more than I ever could about that situation. And on the other end how would HE feel if he ever got bitched at for wanting to tone up and being accused of trying to fit in to a mould? Argh. Argh argh argh. Stupidity.

And jeez, I'm an INTERNET FRIEND and even I know that you're looking at getting fit in an incredibly healthy and not anorexic way. And I also understand that there's a big difference between looking good and feeling fit.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312895#Comment_312895 2011-10-18T21:32:51-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 Argos http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=7792 @tedcroland yeah, I can see how his intentions were good, I'm mostly just annoyed that even after explaining it to him he replied "I'm still not convinced you're not just trying to fit into a ... wasn't a case of "omg i'm so fat!" And you're right, this dude really does have quite a bit of self-centeredness to work on, he's quite egotistical.

@everyone else, thanks! This is the only person I've run into that's been so accusing of my fitness goals, it just really threw a wrench into all the hard work I've put into myself so far. Everyone else in my life has been incredibly supportive, though.]]> OPEN MIC -- the Spleen Venting Thread (Oct 9th-20th) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10271&Focus=312898#Comment_312898 2011-10-18T23:33:40-07:00 2013-05-21T14:26:15-07:00 trini_naenae http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183 @Argos: "As if he knew better than I did what i was actually thinking when I hadn't even seen him in over a year." I was getting that kind of feeling from your telling of what happened. ...
@Rachael & Razrangel: Sad fact - I've been around flakey people enough that I have gotten better at learning to not care when they do that shit. Especially when it comes to planning. I've gotten to the point that if a plan falls through, I'm learning to just go out and do something fun anyway. And not calling them back. If someone isn't reliable about plans, fuck it, I don't want to be friends with them anyway.]]>