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    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
    @everyone, thank you. Really. Sound advice all across the board on this one. And it can be said that while I do feel like a failure in the "making money off my craft" sense, I do feel successful in the sense that I am pretty good at what I do and people who consistently inspire me and who I have great respect for actually WANT to work with me. While it would be nice to have the former, the latter is priceless. While I'm not totally looking forward to working in an industry where I'm always going to be known as Ann & Larry's kid (both my parents are heavy hitters in the music biz here), it's not a horrible job, I'll be able to afford gear and, dare I dream, a studio apartment/condo.

    I'm a bit more mellow now. I decided to give myself the night off, so I took a shower, had an emergency bottle of Maple Syrup Stout handy, and proceeded to watch Firefly, The Thick of It and now Star Trek. While I'm still not feeling optimistic of my chances of being a full-time artist, I'm at least not feeling that This Is It in regards to being an artist at all and that regardless, I'm still going to be creating shots that I love.

    We'll just see how it turns out.
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
    My dad almost hates taking care of himself. My mom loves taking care of people to a smothering degree. My dad will undermine my mom's attempts because that's how petulant his hatred is.

    Consequence of the moment: My dad is anemic, kidneys aren't responding properly, regular, maybe daily bleeding. (He is 85 with a host of other issues, but still.) So we have to step up to make sure he eats...right at a time when we're frackin busy. He needs follow up work tomorrow and we're calling in the reserves - sister's fiance - to come help. Thursday BB will take him to the hospital for a transfusion.

    Life just seems loaded with people wallowing in the pain of their situations - and I know I have done exactly the same thing in the past. But the result for me is that I'm just tired of this shit. I don't think my dad's doing it for the attention; I don't think friends who are wallowing are hoping someone will swoop in and save them. But it's hard not to imagine that they're just hanging out in the consequences of the suck of their lives because it's damn hard to get up and move forward. Yeah, fuck yeah I know, BOY do I know: life is shit and then you die. But fuck, man. At least be an adult about it. Eat your damn vegetables. Get your fucking exercise. Don't hurt yourself intentionally and call for help when you need it. Some folks need more help than others - my dad needs a LOT of help now - and those of us watching them be in pain are usually dying to lend a hand.

    Like my mom, I want desperately to help. But unlike my mom, I have zero patience for people who snarl at me when I move to keep them from prolonging their own pain.

    Also, re: my dad: I'm mad, yeah. I'm also scared as shit.
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
    Yay! And I would say yes, send him the check. When the last bit of correspondence you have is something positive and happy, there's probably a better chance of him wanting to talk to you again in the future.

    I'm sorry. I kind of know how that is, seeing as my dad is diabetic and I've still seen him eat cake for breakfast knowing this, but he's not in as bad of shape as yours. Maybe... just talk to him. Maybe make it clear that you think you need to say goodbye. And if that's not enough for him to want to shape up and keep on living, at least you'll get some good closure and a goodbye. I don't know what to say.

    I'm feeling pretty decent. Went to a St. Vincent concert last night and was right up against the stage, which was a delight. A friend has started planning to set me up on a date with a boy who wears suits all the time, is super good looking, and is a nice sort of gentleman to boot. Allegedly. I have a week long break from school, and open studios. I managed to finally finish a project I was very very behind on today. Ran into a sort of friend on my way home and went to a comedy club with him and some strangers on a whim, which was also nice. Looking forward to a trip to my old college town this weekend. (Well, mostly looking forward to it. I doubt that I will be able to completely avoid meeting the ex's new boo, and I could do without that. But I'm feeling like I could finally handle it without breaking down completely.)
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 11th 2011
    @ everone: hey you cool diamonds.

    Maybe i should say this on vile huggin thread yet each time i know you've taken time to read my drool i get a buzz!!

    And a buzz i need for this detox i keep going on about...oh comes that english flecky psycho going on about his detox..not again.

    Why cant he go to the zombie invasion thing about wallstreet and..critic(?)..engage like a educated pomp with a xbox elite inserted in his wormhole?

    Why cant he discuss which app makes software 4098gg33~ more cool to make the colour red super pastel peachy palfium keen?

    Maybe i should start a thread about kicking in a chemist door and filling a black bin liner full of barbituates,benzodiazipines and some chewing gum?
    Maybe i should start a thread about being beaten to a pulp by the police because i was trying to defend a vulnerable girl who had a door kicked into her face?
    Maybe i should start a thread about sitting with my best mate who had overdosed and was dead and purple and i sat talking to for hours?
    maybe i should start a thread about being held up by knife point by three crackheads as they stole my bag with all my meds in?

    When i look back on the utter insanity that my addiction took me to i can't believe all the crazy things i did and saw..

    its taken me 35 years of fooking around with substances to finally get to the point in my life where i just cant do it body is wrecked yet i'm so grateful i have a brain cell left and my fingers to tap,write(dyslexia) and consume books and great comics.

    i will read everones stuff in a bit as i love you lot.

      CommentAuthorJay Kay
    • CommentTimeOct 12th 2011
    Posted a recent drawing I did on another site, and someone replied with this:

    I'm trying to figure out how to say this without being harsh. I really don't think drawing is your thing man.

    So the rest of the day's probably going to suck.
    • CommentTimeOct 12th 2011
    @Jay Kay
    That person is an idiot.
    I couldn't remember what sort of art you did, so I just popped by your deviantart page real quick, and drawing is very much your thing. You've got really nice and solid people, with good structure and style, and I'd love to see more of your stuff around here. The only thing I would say is it'd be cool to see you play with different mediums. But even that's a "this is cool and I want to see more" statement.
    I say this as an artist, and one who can draw very well.
    • CommentTimeOct 12th 2011
    @Jay Kay - Fuck that person and fuck their comment. Talent is a blade, it takes shaping and sharpening. Good critics know this. That person's reply it isn't a reflection of your work at all. It's just a stupid thing to say for a number of reasons.
    After looking at your work, I agree with Fishelle, your drawings are solid and your blade is sharper than most, no worries.

    @ Goverment Spy - I'd watch that.

    I'm doing alright these days. Played some games, got to play SW:TOR (Starwars MMO) for 2 days on a beta tester weekend thing. Such a tease, but I had a lot of fun. Last week I hunted Zombies and listened to metal. It felt really good. Oct 18th is my birthday and I guess that makes me 31. You know what? I'm OK with my age and with growing old. It doesn't bother me at all. I'm going to be an awesome old wizard and the world can kiss my ass.
    /shoplifts a candybar

    Cheers Whitechapel. I'm always wishing you people the best in your battles.
    • CommentTimeOct 12th 2011 edited
    @Jay Kay, when I look at your drawing, I can tell you mean it. You give a shit about what you put on paper. Fuck whoever told you that, and keep on improving. Regardless of how amazing someone is at drawing, they are consistently improving. It's ALL about keeping at it. And I'm hyper-critical of others' work (... to a fault) and I think you HAVE to stick with it.

    (... for what it's worth)
  1.  (10271.29)
    @Rachael: I don't think sending him the check would be the best idea. Obviously I'm saying this only knowing what you've written about him (and I'm probably projecting a whole lot of stuff), but it sounds like he's really (and probably overly) protective of his independence and wants to be able to sort out his shit on his own. And while sending him money just as a thank you for all of the things that he's done for you in the past feels like you're trying to do something really nice for a person that you care incredibly deeply for (and that's a sentiment I understand completely, because I've wanted to do very similar things for my ex and the only thing that has stopped me is that I don't have her mailing address. Our relationship was weird), he may interpret it as you trying to buy his attention, or otherwise indebt him to you, which threatens that independence. Send him a present, and maybe include the receipt so he can get money for it if he wants, but straight up sending him money might irreparably damage whatever connection he may still feel with you (and it's possible he won't even accept the money).
  2.  (10271.30)
    @DavidLejeune - Yes, from what I can gather, from what you've said, our situations, or at least our broken hearts, are very similar. But here is the thing: what I wanted from him was to be partners. That partnership needn't be romantic, though I'd prefer it to be. Partners are equals. I'm seeing this as a sort of "make or break" moment. I know that in my sending him a check, he may be offended and never want to be close to me again. Well then, it's done. In the logic part of my brain, I don't want to be so devoted to and close to someone who only doles out help from a distance. I am a rather broke(n) person that feels largely ineffectual most of the time, and it's really important for me to be able to reciprocate kindness whenever possible. One sided kindness makes for an asymmetrical relationship that I don't dig. I tend to be relatively submissive in relationships and I am comfortable with that, but not being permitted to help someone who helps me makes for a creepy power dynamic that doesn't sit well with me. If this breaks it, then it was meant to be broken. Painful as it is, maybe the bandaid will get ripped cleanly off and the wound will heal, finally. I still want to help if i can, even if that drives him further from me. They are almost independent issues at this point, in a weird way. I care more for his general well being and happiness more than I care if I offend him in some way.
    • CommentTimeOct 12th 2011
    @Rachael - I'm going to back David in this and advise you not to send any money. Especially after having had turmoil with him. It is absolutely not going to go over well. It's going to come across as both clingy and manipulative. No matter how nice a note you write along with it. It is a bad gesture, that reduces friendship to a financial transaction and feels like just another attempt by you to insinuate yourself into an emotional space that he has made it very clear he wants to maintain. If you send him money (and it's just my opinion, but I'm giving it to you because you've both posted here and because I actually feel some empathy with him, having been in similar situations as the one you are describing between him and you), it will be because you want to make things worse, not better. It will be you adding further imposition and something that feels insulting to a situation he has explicitly asked be kept at a distance until he is comfortable engaging with you again.

    Beyond that, based on the circumstances you find yourself in as related here, I strongly advise you to just save the money. You need it for yourself. You are too quick to throw it out into the world for a person who remains in a fairly precarious place financially. Save it, do not give it away. Focus on stabilizing your practical life. You need that more than the catharsis of sabotaging the remnants of the companionship you felt with this man.

    I've said this with the intention of helping, not of sounding cruel, and apologize if it comes off offensive. Don't send him money.
  3.  (10271.32)
    Bill went a bit more tough love than I was going to, but I will say one more thing: It really sucks to put oneself in a position where all another person has to do to hurt you is nothing, and it seems kind of like that's where you'll be by sending him money (I can think of half a dozen obsessive rabbit holes my brain would run down if I were in your shoes). And you may have made your peace intellectually with the idea that if he doesn't respond or he cuts you off much more completely than before then so be it, but if and when the moment actually comes, emotionally it's still going to hurt a hell of a lot. You seem like a wonderful person, and I hate the idea of you undergoing any more emotional pain than you already have, especially over someone who, if I remember correctly, has hurt you once or twice before.

    Sorry if I've overstepped the bounds of Internet Acquaintanceship, I'll back out of this now.
  4.  (10271.33)
    You are right, dammit. You guys are right. I wish you weren't, but you are right.

    I appreciate the brutal honesty. Thank you.

    I've cared about so few people in my life, and so few people have actually been there for me, that it's really difficult to let him go through terrible stresses when I am able to lighten the load.

    But I'm too crazy in the head, I suppose. My gifts would invariably come with the burden of my awkward distant cling.

    PS. It's not just him, either. I've had similar wafflings about other non-romantic-interest people that I wished to not abandon. It's just INFINITELY MORE with him. meh. Roommate has told me a number of times that I am in no position to be helping other people, when I mention ideas I have to lift an old friend out of a bad spot or something.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    @ jay kay: fook that pratt! If i was near him i would mentally attack the fool.I would mind rape him with such utter venom that i would reduce him to a wreck in the corner..i would look at his work and say "Thats not bad..well done. pity you are such a cunt.want to step outside so i can break your fingers you creepy cowardly wanker?"

    I hate people who hide behind the net..or e mail..or s.m.s..

    It gets me furious...what a shit teacher someone like that would be!!

    Im my opinion everyone can draw,paint,write,etc..some of my little comic things make me cringe when i look at them..but i loved doing them!!

    Sounds like a bit of a naff site..maybe not go there anymore if other peoples crap judgemental toss gets to you.

    like an arsehole everyone has an opinion..and sometimes they both stink of shit.

    I got a major migraine going at moment..need to take some ibupfrofen. Probably read freakangels vol. three.I've been reading it from the beginning..not read vol.4 or 5. I'm a lucky bastard,eh,Whitechapel.

    Flame on unt die shit vorld!

      CommentAuthorJay Kay
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    Thanks for the kind words, guys. :D
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    @everyone- sympathies, as ever, for your varied worries.
    @flecky- I, for one, would be well up for reading more of
    ' all the crazy things i did and saw' .

    To have come through the craziness that you have survived with the intelligence and eloquence to be able to share some of those extremes of experience is a strange gift. you tell the tales and I'll read them.

    @Rachael- There is, I think something in what your roommate says about taking care of yourself before spending energy on others. It may seem selfish but nobody but you exists behind your eyeballs and if you can put all efforts(funding and energy)into helping yourself get better then you will be in a better place to be able to provide support for those you care about.
    But enough of that....Terry Prattchett signing!!!!! I'm dead jealous. I've been a huge fan since i was a schoolkid and used to sneak his books into mass, Years later he did a signing in a bookshop I worked at in Winchester. I came over all nervous fanboy and was too shy to ask for an autograph. I did however make him and his assistant a cup of tea!
    I hope you have a great time.

    -If 2011 had a face, I'd punch it.

    Sound idea and I'd back that up with a cricket bat to it's bastard kneecaps!

    take it easy folks
    nice things for nice people-shit sandwiches for the shits.
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    @flecky- I, for one, would be well up for reading more of

    ' all the crazy things i did and saw' .

  5.  (10271.38)
    So, this divorce thing.

    I feel sort of weird going on about it, because it's not the disaster it seems at first glance. It's just a bit, I don't know, raw, I guess. Thing is, we've been growing apart for some time. This isn't a sudden change. And I've been seeing someone else, a girl I've fallen in love with. And my wife and I are parting on good terms. There's not a lot of fighting or anything, it's all very civilized. And I'm making plans with the girlfriend. Hell, we're going bed shopping together on Saturday. So it's not like my life is falling apart.

    It's just changing.

    Of course I've never been particularly adept at change. And I'm spending a lot of time on this weird emotional roller coaster where everything is going along fine and I get side swiped by a stray memory that just about buries me in grief. And I've got friends and family who are mostly being very supportive. And like I said, the girlfriend (her name is Amanda) is just amazing and I don't regret the decision. I know we're all doing the right thing.

    Just wish I could sort of wall off the emotions for a time.
      CommentAuthorCameron C.
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    @Jay Kay: Don't listen to pricks like that. People who say stuff with only the intention of making someone wanna give up and/or feel like shit are not qualified to be called an artist anyway and shouldnt be listened to.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    fuuuu. the other day i was cooking me some egg whites and usually i like hot sauce on them and then i realized that is probably because my parents split when i was 5 but my dad would visit every once in a while and one time he visited and made me some eggs with hot sauce on them and i liked em that way since but i haven't seen that guy in 20+ years so i was like "wtf, is this a daddy issue or something?" because i use hot sauce on my eggs as some kind of psychic anchor? I fucking hope not cuz I do like a little hot sauce on my eggs but after this realization i am wondering whether to quit doing it or maybe not cuz it'd make this little abandonment issue worse? It's no big deal but I was staring into my eggs this week and all this shit just clicked right before my eyes.
    ANYWAY... can;t wait for that Arkham City!!