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    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    @Jay Kay, fuck that guy.

    @Rachael, agreeing with folks here. I wouldn't send him money. Bill's right, it WILL make the situation worse.

    @Chris, if you like eggs with hot sauce keep having eggs with hot sauce. Eggs with hot sauce is amazing.
  1.  (10271.42)
    @Chris G. You like Eggs with hot sauce because Eggs with hotsauce is good eating.

    Fun with work.
    The company that will be shortly performing my departments role, brought some guys in for training on Monday. Somewhat unprofessionally I blanked them for most of that day, having just learned my contract was terminated. At about 1.30 on Tuesday, they were taken out of the building, and didn't come back. Transpired that they were on student visas. I actually felt sorry for them. One of them, was really enthused about the work, despite being educated to a masters level in programming. He would, in his way have been totally wasted and still not been any good at the job, as requirement of educating users is that you be able to speak loudly enough to be heard, but he was amicable and really excited about landing his first full time role, and it must suck to be slapped in the face like that because the company you work for is feckless. Further investigation this week has uncovered A) the fact that everyone on the team is on notice B) the vague promise that some people will be asked to join the "new" team is just that. I'm past playing ball. I'm too old, and I've been through this particular dance something like 5 times now. I've landed an interview, with another part of the bank for a fulltime role, and I'm very, very torn. I need money, I need a roof over my head, but again, I'm getting bound into possibly working for a company that treats people like me like, well, people like me. If I could secure free accommodation for a year, I'd be hunting a tattooing apprenticeship like it was going out of style.
  2.  (10271.43)
    I'm going to do fun things tonight so I don't feel shitty because the potential date is unlikely to happen. And Watson is currently making it very difficult to type. Cats, go figure.

    I have a dilemma. I found someone looking for a roommate on Craigslist, and the rent is great. Apparently the place is spacious, and the only utilities I'd have to pay would be half the heat, which is supposed to be around $50 a month. The thing is, the person is male. And well, y'all are probably aware that I'm a bit paranoid. And that my parents are very conservative and would not like it one bit. But I need to not live with my parents anymore. And I'm really having a hard time finding a place on my own. If I could at least find out some background information on him, I'd feel like going for it wouldn't be too bad, but I don't know anyone who knows him. Guess I just have to keep looking. Ugh.
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    Renee: Guess you just have to meet this male person for coffee and shoot the shit for a few hours, you mean. Your instincts don't suck.

    Believe me, I knew my landlord was a scumbag, but I signed the lease anyways because this apartment is too awesome to pass up. I backed out of another great place because that landlady was even worse, so I had a basis for comparison. But, still. I have a Landlord-Tenant hearing for next month.

    Don't be like me. Get to know the dude and take a good long look at the place and be really nitpicky and judgemental and THEN decide what to do.
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    Renee, what Allana said. Check out the place, talk with him for a while, figure it out. And if you think the desperation of getting the hell out of your parent's house is altering the decision and ignoring your instincts (and hell, you should have seen the dumps in super dangerous areas I was willing to live in just to get out) then you may want to step back and reassess.
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
    In Allana news:
    Today was a banner. Got great news about money - was actually woken up by the phonecall. Amazing way to start.
    Did my first programming project in years in about two hours this afternoon, and will probably spend two more hours tomorrow tweaking it, but it was super fun. Now I'm back on a coding kick and sprucing up old websites to use in a portfolio. Yay!
    Copyediting class was great; left a copy of the magazine I'm working on with my professor so she'll understand the angle from which I'm coming (the writing is... imaginative? Creative? Drug-addled? Totally devoid of grammatical structure? I'm still being polite, here).
    Also left stacks of issues with the hipster-y shops near my house; will try to hit a few more tomorrow and deplete the 100 or so issues sitting in my apartment.
    The only thing that sucked about today is that my date for a concert this weekend cancelled on me, so I'm either going alone or taking a friend who doesn't actually like music. Hrm.
  3.  (10271.47)
    Thirding 'meet guy, check out prospective apartment in person' recommendations. Figure out what the terms would be as far as getting out if things don't work, find out if he's in a relationship (if he's got a girl/boyfriend, he's less likely to be serial killer enticing victims with cheap rent), if you're really super-paranoid, talk to the neighbours, too. The chances of you hitting the 'dangerous person on the internet looking for a roommate' are pretty low.

    Personal spleen-vent: I'm really really hating Phoenix now. Work has slowed down, which ordinarily would be good, but I'm just bored out of my fucking mind both in and out of the office now. Last week two bands that I really like were supposed to play a show out here, but it was cancelled, which just knocked out what little wind was left in my sails. I've been having really weird dreams, and just generally getting more depressed and cabin-fevery. I feel like I've been eating way too much meat, but there don't seem to be any decent analogues for the vegetarian eating options I had back home, and I can only have pizza and black bean tacos so many times in a week. I really want to go to the mountains and do some astrophotography, but none of the mountains out here look like good prospects for it (they don't appear to be high enough, and the air quality is generally pretty shit out here). I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate until the 28th, when I'm driving back to LA to try and have some fun for Hallowe'en.

    And I have to figure out what I'm going to do for Thanksgiving, because I can't stay here, and I sure as hell ain't going to Palm Springs to spend it with my mother.

    If I can't get a job back in California sometime next year I don't know what I'm going to do, because this city feels like it's killing me.
  4.  (10271.48)
    @Allana, Robin and David: Thanks. I'll be meeting him tomorrow and I'll go from there.

    Tomorrow is going to be interesting. And hopefully I'll have the time/energy/desire to go through my various photos - I even have some self portraits.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeOct 14th 2011
    God damn my physical ailments. I am getting so pissed off at my limitation lately...
    I suffer from Psoriatic Arthritis in just about every joint of my body and have a messed up stomach that decided to stop working if I get too stressed out or tax it too much...
    I used to be in peak physical condition. I grew up eating healthy home grown and caught/raised foods, I ran cross country for fun, and was beautiful and lean and energetic. I felt great. I was the grand daughter of a famous folk artist, and was told my entire life that I was going to be a great artist. I went to college for seven years to be an artist. I never graduated though because I got SARS one year, which ruined a semester, then I got a breast cancer scare (the doctor assured me I'd need surgery and that I'd have to drop out of school, then it ended up just being a swollen gland from too much caffiene), then my arthritis took a turn for the worse and I ended up in a wheel chair for a summer. After a while, the arthritis spread through my whole body. My hands are next to useless now, and I'm in constant pain everywhere. I don't have health Insurance because I've never popped out a kid. I can't take pain meds because my stomach can't tolerate them, and my only other treatment option, If I could get some sort of insurance or medical assistance, is an immune suppressor. My immune system is already craptacular now, and I have pets, kids, and have to interact with money and lots of people in my line of work, so I'm pretty sure I'd die a quick death from infections if I tried that route. I told a doctor that I felt that my treatment was kind of like voluntary HIV and he reluctantly agreed.
    So I try to just push on and ignore it, keeping myself loaded up on "herbal supplements". Unfortunately low energy levels and pain keep me from being able to do much. I spend day after day wishing I could go hang out and have adventures with my friends, or at least maybe go out to a bar and have a drink now and then, maybe meet a cute girl or some such, but most nights I feel like crap, and most days I'm lucky to get out to the grocery store. I'm terrified that I'm going to end up in a wheelchair, or that all the joints in my fingers will fuse (like two of them already have). I'm not the type to sit home like this, night after night. My friends go out and do awesome things all the time and I'm generally not even thought of to invite because of my ailments. I get lonely and frustrated to the point of tears. My poor husband does the best he can, but he's legally blind, a homebody, and busy with taking care of me and the kids and the business and the housework and everything else I can't do very well anymore.
    I've got a director friend that wants to get me into some of his movies, but I don't think he knows about my ailments. I'm really afraid that on camera my lumpy, mishapen hands will look weird. Granted one of the films is a documentary, so that still might be cool, but anything else I'm really scared just won't fly, and I know that it will hurt my feelings, no matter how my logical mind understands why I'd be dismissed. It still really sucks...
    I'm working on getting Disability assistance, but it's slow going and frustrating...maybe one day I'll at least be able to get help for my other ailments, even if there's little they can do for my arthritis.

    god dammit.
    Everything I could have been was stripped from me because of this stupid disease. I'm having to reinvent myself, and it's really hard to do, when you're so physically limited...
  5.  (10271.50)
    Found out today that a friend (and cousin of my soon to be ex-wife) fell off his boat and drowned last night. He was forty something, with a little five year old boy.

    I can't even focus anymore
    • CommentAuthorScrymgeour
    • CommentTimeOct 14th 2011
    this sounds a little callous but all the stuff i was going to write here seems inconsequential. Just the usual graduate unable to find a good job melodrama.
    Good luck to everyone.
    • CommentTimeOct 14th 2011
    Tonight's plan:

    - Cheap red wine and coke mixed
    - Kind bud
    - HD version of The Towering Inferno

    That THAT, week that was.
  6.  (10271.53)
    Damn. Sorry to hear it Pooka. That's just. Fuck.

    @KPatrickGlover: When it rains, it pours, yeah? I hope you survive the weekend ok.

    As for me... this week has been odd. My work schedule was all off, resulting on having an evening off last night. Usually I'd just spend the night at home, but I potentially was going on a date, and was going to do something fun regardless of whether the date happened or not. I ended up going to a bar that's attached to a theater, and it turned out that it was the opening night of Hamlet, and I had gotten there after it started. So I hung out with the bartenders until the intermissions, at which point I got out of the way during the mad rush to the bar. It was kind of fun, getting to know people, trying very hard to be as quiet as possible, in a mostly empty bar. I got invited to two events - a Halloween party and a show, both at the end of the month. I'm still not sure what I'm going to dress up as, but I should figure it out soon enough. I'm leaning towards a Soviet spy.

    Today I did my errands and met with the potential roommate, and he is quite odd. Apparently he was homeless for a while, and then lived in tents, and now he's getting used to living indoors again. I did check the place out, and while it was not that great, it wasn't horrible, except that it smelled awful. He's a smoker, but he said he smoked outside. I'm not so sure. Ew. I need to send him an email that it's not going to work. The smell is just too awful. And while for the most part he seemed ok-ish, there was some weirdness that made me uncomfortable. But really, it boils down to the smell.

    Now I'm just chilling and Watson is keeping me company.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 15th 2011
    I feel like utter shite.I've got this bastard migraine that will not fuck off.I was going to reduce my meds for my detox but at the moment what i am taking is not holding me at all.
    I am going insane.I've been hallucinating like i don't know what.Everything just looks so bright and distorted.

    Fucksake...I really don't need this..fucking despair and depression..i can't even read..even doing this is melting my eyes..

    This shit..payback for taking so many opiates..its a good job i'm a mean old bastard..relief is just a phone call pipe of evil shit crack would numb my head and stop this all..but i just can't.Once i start then that will be that..all these months of hard work would be out the window..i have to take heroin for the crack would send my tolerance right up and i would hate myself for giving in..

    I don't know..guess if i stay strong it will get better..i keep putting my head down and going into twisted sleep..and oversleeping is just making it worse..

    I'm going to go and eat something,take some ibuprofen,drink coffee,smoke roll ups and just soldier the fuck on..

    Read freakangels vol 4..fooksake ya bastards!!
  7.  (10271.55)
    @Pooka - good god.

    I can empathize. I understand completely when you say that the circumstances of your life have ripped away your potential future.

    However, I'm pretty sure that nobody is going to notice your hands except you, or people with similar ailments. That show, Warehouse 13, the lead female on the show has scoliosis. I noticed right away. I looked about online, and only other people with scoliosis had noticed. It seemed so glaringly obvious to me, and it IS, but only to someone who is attuned to such things. Your hands will look fine.

    In a similar vein, when last week I went to the least crappy doctor i've seen in years, he'd been trying to give me a pep talk. Telling me how I could find something to do within my limitations. Telling me stories of people missing limbs and whatnot. Even a doctor doesn't seem to understand that I'd gladly give up both my legs if that meant my eyes and hands would work properly, and if I didn't hurt constantly, and if I had any sort of endurance and didn't fight to get up and out of my pajamas every day. Having a chronic ILLNESS is not the same thing as simply having a physical disability.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

    As for me...

    The Medicaid I was so very excited about? It doesn't kick in until February.

    Also, the smell of dead things that smell like rotten feet in the walls has taken over the kitchen for days. We'd moved the fridge, the stove, mopped with bleach behind, all to no avail. We just have to wait for it to slowly fade.

    The smell of dead mouse in my bedroom grew, and I had to start lugging hte boxes and milkcrates coating all the floor space from side to side to find the source. It was a dead mouse right at the foot of my bed. I removed it, but the smell continued. As I attempted Project Milkcrate Bedframe, I discovered I grew closer to the smell. It was inside my boxspring, and I had to rip the material off the bottom to remove the hefty mouse.

    I felt pretty grossed out about this until I ran into an old awesome friend today who told me about how his girlfriend and he had to rush out of the house from a fire alarm, and then discovered that she'd put on tight pants that'd had a mouse hiding in them.

    I feel a bit better, now.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeOct 15th 2011
    God fuck it. i give up. still too annoyed at the world to retell my story so i'll paste my tweets:
    clueless black dude w/ the cheap date: Fuuuck you for even thinking about implying the race card. A good 75% of my customers at work? black!

    i don't know who the fuck he was trying to kid with his baby blue polo shirt and Usher/Obama/Miles Morales buzzcut...

    i usually try to be nice and sweet to everyone i meet. FUCK, today i let an old lady hold onto my arm so she could stand up!!! ARRRGH

    i try and pretend to have faith and see good in people and this what I get? pissy sheltered piece of shit. this world deserves to burn NOW

    George Carlin was right, the experiment failed. let's get wiped the fuck out and start over, HAW HAW!
    lolz, anyway. i've dealt with worse mother fuckers than the wannabe-disenfranchised piece of shit that came into my store today. Basically I kept my cool until the couple got bored and left. Stupid kids acting like they fit into the big boy pants. the moron didn't even know how buying furniture works so he got all mumbly and left with his stupid girlfriend. I went to the supermarket to shop and decompress and then I got home and fantasized about how sweet it would be to just this once sacrifice one mother fucker BUT then I realized humans are simply not worth it and well I'll just keep being a kind and compassionate person out in public, but in my personal bubble time I really can't wait to see everything burn the fuck down (cuz I'm a demon! rawwwwr lololololol). but yeah, I'm tired of all the stupid disgusting humans unless they're my friends or my beloved cat.

    Mind you, this is all because 30 min. to closing time and I didn't bend over backwards for this motherfucker after dealing with people all day.

    It's a good thing i have a routine and hobbies and actual grown up priorities or else i'd take hostages at a fucking Denny's or something! Shit man, racial tension/paranoia is the last fucking thing on my mind. I'm a fucking artist and all i care about is whether other people can create art and fucking bring it.

    Any-fucking-way, hopefully next week I'll be working with some people setting up a Warner Bros movie on the street I work on. My boss won't pay me to be at the store past 5 but he's made a deal and contract with Mr. Key Assitant Location Manager Man and said he'll pay me to keep the store open later. Maybe I can meet Sean Penn an Emma Stone lol. I fucking better for the time I'm gonna be sacrificing. I was sooo ready to cut off the world and loved ones so I can devote myself to playing Arkham City, haha. But I really like money so I'll have to hang in there a little more.

    blah, i had a couple of beers earlier but getting dr0nk hasn't been fun for the last coupled of weekends. might be ready to become a straight edge asshole.

    PS: I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. that's how pissed I still am. Not so much at over sheltered black boy with too much time on his stupid Saturday evening, but negative ideas. I will fight back with better ideas. I read Batman comics you sons of bitches.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeOct 15th 2011 edited
    @Pooka: I don't know what to say except i feel for you.
    @Rachael Tyrell:Sorry you have to wait till febuary for the Medicaid thing.Shit like that just don't seem fair.I've said before how the healthcare system in the states makes me sick to the core.Glad you got rid of that rat bastard stink of dead mouse..last thing you need is the reek of putrefaction in your life.Good work with Project Milkcrate Bedframe...

    Damn...has my stupid server just collapsed on me again? Fook it....i scream into the void all the time so if this doesn't make it then so what?.So much of life is just futility anyway.

    All said and done the N.H.S in England is going to shite too.I know this as a fact...I work at the drug dependency unit i attend and the've laid off loads of staff.They are starting to rely on saps like me to put in hours for a pittance.I don't mind fact i want to do and the service users forum act as a sort of defence for the addicts in treatment.I'm not just saying it..i've seen some real abuse of power by twisted key workers over the years.One twisted bitch didn't give a crippled prostitute with crumbling bones who could hardly walk her diamorphine because she was a couple of minutes late for the pick up time in the morning.She was meant to be given over a weeks supply for over a xmas,which is always a hard time for addicts.She was a good friend of mine and had a heart of gold.Next thing i heard was that she jumped out of her flat in Earls Court and was impalled on the ground floor railings.

    I feel a bit better than earlier..this weekend has been pure torment for me..and i'm not just being a whiny junky..even when i finish this detox i've got to live with the fact that my legs are done in for life,that i can have a heart attack at anytime from a enlarged ventricle(?) going to my lung and i got active hepatitus c to deal with.
    I really don't know how i manage to keep on fighting..earlier on if i had a gun i reckon i would have played russian roulette with myself..sometimes the only thing that stops me ending all this shite is that i couldn't inflict the pain on my elderly mom and dad.

    @gov spy:i hope all is going as well as possible with your partners battle with the drink.You seem to be doing so well which makes me happy.

    Got to go..need to disincorperate the bodies of my last few victims...i told them not to look at me funny but did they listen? No! The idiots brought it on themselves..where's my chainsaw? to the rotten head of a traffic warden...
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2011
     (10271.58) shit sucks...hurts like a son of a bitch, everywhere constantly, so I'm generally in a pretty bad mood. I found out that the film I'm going to be helping with is non fiction, and that my identity will be yeah,I guess that whole arthritis deformity thing won't matter, but I worry about my endurance and ability to get out of bed some days.... funny you folks mentioned scholiosis...I got that too lol. I think almost everyone in KY does. I'm a little less concerned about the look of my deformed hands, but more on my limited mobility and grace. I can force a natural walk and movement if I concentrate, but I can't move very quickly or we'll see how that all goes down if I'm asked to actually physically perform...
    So on a brighter note, I get to help make a consipiracy theory movie about a town I lived and crazy cat ladied in for ten years...I'm pretty excited. I hope I don't come off as too much of a crackpot, but I just calls em like I sees em, and I've seen a lot of weird things.
    That bad mood thing's gotten me into trouble. I had this sweet nsa fun time deal with one of my best buddies, but I got all emotional and pissy a couple times too many and he called it off. very was really helping me feel a little less a crippled thirty something and helped give me something extra to focus on so I don't drive my husband crazy (yeah, he's cool, we've been together for over ten years now and everythings awesome...I just require more attention and affection than I can rightfully ask one person to give, and we're both a couple of pervs, so it's all good lol).
    So I guess I'm through with boys...this one's ruined me for the all the other cats. I don't think I can top him so I'm not going to try. Maybe one day I'll find a girl that fulfills my needs, until then, i'm just going to be a sullen, angsty bitch...he's still my friend, but I really miss the attention. I'm such a needy girl these days. It all goes back to my stupid ailments. The desperation I feel for being trapped in this body bleeds out into other emotional trauma. I know this about myself, but I still can't help feeling how I feel. I'm hoping that breaking into this whole acting thing will help me feel a little more accepted and such...all my friends are actors, artists, and musicians...I've been promoting some of them for years, but never really got involved beyond that.
    I guess I'm kinda going through a bit of a mid life, thirty one isn't too young for that...
    We just started a new business and i've just passed the one year mark in a new city, new friends, new life altogether...I'm anxious to reinvent myself, and find my place in my new life...and it's hard to do when i'm so physically limited...
    arg. just arg....
  8.  (10271.59)
    Yeah, it's a beautiful day, the NYCC is going on but a subway ride away, as is OWS, as is a fringe music event with one of my favorite DJs, and a Blade Runner themed party later tonight, but I went out yesterday for a whopping three hours and then slept for 12 and I am more tired than when i crashed out. I forget sometimes that there's a one day delay with overexerting myself. Friday I was moving boxes around and trying to sort my room together so I could justify going out and having fun this weekend, but... i ruined myself for fun.

    If I weren't afraid of getting detained and my antibiotics and pain pills taken from me, and afraid of having my body damaged, I'd have been down at OWS all week. I feel like a terrible human failure for that. And an artistic failure. And a journalistic failure.
  9.  (10271.60)
    @Rachael: Don't beat yourself up because you can't go at OWS. You have to take care of yourself today so hopefully one day you can beat Lymes and Chiari and get to live much more fully and participate in these things. Sure you can't now, but hopefully with the hard work and self control of today, tomorrow you can. *hugs*

    @Pooka: I don't know what so say. It's just so awful. Hugs?