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    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2011
    meh...It's only awful when I think about it and then vent about it on the internets. Most of the time my life is pretty fun despite the pain and lack of funds. I mean, I sell toys and comic books for a living. I hang out with musicians, actors, comic book creators, and all the more colorful people in my area. Part of my job is to meet artists and tell them how awesome they are, then make them come to my shows so we can both make money on their awesomeness... Don't get me wrong, all that bad shit, is a lot of bad shit, but I've got some good shit too. I went to a giant flea market type festival today in Mt. Sterling Kentucky. Millions of people pour into this little town every year to sell whatever is popular at the time. there's hundreds of booths of flea market junk...just...everywhere...a HUGE section of town is covered. It's certainly something to and then you find really unique items, like today a lady was selling these giant hanging carnivourous plants from south america....i got some snazzy new glasses and some german roasted almonds, plus a plate full of country ham from my husband's granny.
    and in a few minutes, I'm off to fullfill a commitment to listen to a friend of mine's band play at a bar I want to go back to anyway because I wanna book my own event there in, I do get my fun now and then, I just wish I had someone to go with me.
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2011
    I've been holding back from myself all the things I can do and I'm running into a wall I built and feeling both surprised and irritated with my surprise. We run so far and fast from ourselves we have no hope but to get caught up in the traps we created, huh?

    Well, at least I got back on the exercise machine today. I wonder if I can make that turn into a habit. I honestly miss habitual exercise. And detest how easily I lose my breath. There's so much I have to do.

    I started up community service this week. It roils me so much because I'm still angry about the traffic ticket and I don't know how bad it'll screw me over with my car insurance and... I don't mind service. In fact, when I'm not required to do it I really like helping people. I've put in time at soup kitchens, tutoring, cleaning streets and parks, taking food to people, producing concerts to raise money for good causes...for nothing. Just because I could. Having it be mandatory really annoys me, though. There's a lot of bureaucracy involved with the center I help at. It bothers me too, and it bothers the people I work with. The city requires all kinds of paper work to identify who's getting the boxes of dry goods. As if turning up hungry isn't enough. Well, it's probably to try to catch illegal immigrants. Yeah, definitely not the kind of service I like doing. I can help in English and Spanish. There's a contingent of Filipinos in the vicinity, but I don't speak Taglog. One of the ladies in the office is Japanese and I had the curious experience of addressing her in Japanese and having her answer me in English. I guess she's way more used to it. I try to keep my Japanese-showing-off on a short leash. Most Nihonjin didn't come out here to be my tutors.

    My dad has been sick. It's deeply worrisome. He refuses to take care of himself and makes it hard for us to take care of him. A bit of a scare this week with blood transfusion and kidney testing. He's seen other people go through dialysis and he's scared of it. Maybe that'll scare him straight? I don't know, it's tiring. I know he's depressed but he's off the age that depression is a weakness, not an illness, and so he works to not acknowledge it and so sinks more into its grip. So odd, offputing, that the man most responsible for getting me early on to try to find beauty and peace in every moment is the one who's losing himself to darkness and futility. (Why do people always think I'm in the process of saying good bye? Why do they think I'm anticipating his death? I know it's totally possible, and I'm bone-cold terrified of it. I don't want my daddy to die!)

    Too much running around this week but that's how life is sometimes. It's just expensive and has the annoying effect of making tasks get shoved down till later. And it's very tiring. Gah. if only I didn't have to sleep. And if gasoline weren't such a pain to continually be buying. Then I could really get some shit done. But I have the East Asian language pack on my new-to-me computer so I can write in Japanese, I have some food for thought from improv class (with a really cool, challenging lady - though it's indirectly causing me to contemplate how sweet people can sometimes be terrifically clueless), had pumpkin pancakes with my best friend, went to a really big fun party that I had to leave early (and was really bummed about that) and helped my theater company strike the set to our latest play.

    Just... stuff. Running around and doing stuff. Nothing momentous, though it should have been. I should have my damn demo on CDs and be throwing them at other people in the business...I should have the demo posted online at the very least! I should be writing to people, connecting, networking, hunting for work. Though I guess the truth is I am quite busy with just what I have on my plate at the moment. When I'm not proactive about what I do want to be doing, the world finds other things for me to think about. And I get twisted about, unsure of where to start.

    (Neither here nor there: and I would really like it if my subconscious quit reminding me, almost nightly, how nice it would be to have someone to cuddle with after dark. Um, I know that already. Waking up from the dreams by myself just makes the singleness cut deeper.)
    • CommentTimeOct 16th 2011
    This weekend I went on a trip to the town I used to live and go to school in. I'd been looking forward to it for months. I got to see basically everyone I had missed, and I stayed the two nights I was there at an apartment where all 3 of my favorite roommates I'd ever had were living together again. I went to an art opening and it surprised me with its loveliness. The work that gallery shows is usually underwhelming for me. I got to eat tacos in the taco trailer, as well as snow creams (ice cream and snow cones in one beautiful and delicious thing). All in all, I got all of the good things I wanted out of the trip, except a chance to work on some homework, but that's fine.

    Unfortunately, the ex boyfriend, who lives in that town and shares many friends with me, did his best to make my trip miserable. Despite previous conversations in which he pleaded for me to stay his friend forever even though the romantic aspect of things was temporary, and the fact that I was willing to be perfectly nice to his new girlfriend, he refused to have any sort of conversation with me. He made it quite obvious that my presence annoyed him to no end.

    On saturday night everyone that I went to visit was putting up a gallery because they have a small show opening on monday. I wanted to help out. I have experience working in a gallery, but more importantly, I wanted to be with my friends. The boy made a fuss about it, so I didn't.

    Instead, I took a walk to the cemetery in town. Someone once told me that a cemetery was the best place to go to cry, because no one would ask any questions. The longer I knelt on the grass with those gravestones, the more it struck me that this was the perfect spot to mourn the loss of an old friend. After an hour or so, I decided to head back to my friend's apartment. I gave one of them a call to see how much work they had left to do. A lot, apparently.

    After texting some of my frustration to this friend, another one of the girls came and cried with me for a bit. She talked me into going to where everyone was setting up regardless of the boy, which I was hesitant to do because I didn't want all of my friends to have to deal with the drama. I didn't mind bothering him, but everyone else deserved to be happy. She said that if anyone had a problem with it, it was her idea and people could be mad at her for it.

    We went, and everyone was relatively quiet about it. The boy was a bit of a jerk, but I ignored his childishness as well as I could. Everyone else, with the exception of his girlfriend, was super nice and happy to see me. I didn't really help much, but I at least got to spend some time with people I can actually call friends.

    That night I read a status update he'd posted on facebook, the Tom Wait's quote, "Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends." As if it weren't obvious enough this was directed at me, the only reason he has any familiarity with Tom Waits is my obsession with the man and his music. I promptly deleted the boy from my friends list.

    I really don't understand what was going through his head. Our relationship was an odd one. We knew from the start it was a temporary thing, and it only happened because we were in love with other people that we couldn't be with. We spent all those months promising to still be friends when it was over. He would have known I was not really jealous of his new girl. Sure, the usual sort of sting regarding this situations was there. We had only broken up a few months ago, and I couldn't help but compare this new girl and myself a little. But even when we were dating I was very open about that sort of thing, to the point it didn't bother me when he talked about how a certain juice drink tasted just like an old girlfriend or anything. If I had known the girl he was so crazy about when we were together, I probably would have tried to convince her to give him a shot and at least be his friend again. I loved the boy, and all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I knew that wouldn't always be with me. That was fine. I was attached to the boy, but I could get over it as long as we were on good terms and he was happy.

    When I found out he was dating someone else at first, I did come here to say "fuck" about it. But after a day or two, I realized I wasn't all that hurt that he was sleeping with someone else. I was hurt that I was no longer a good enough friend to know what was going on with his life before the rest of the world. And yeah, I was a little stung that he had a picture of them holding hands when he had avoided any photographs with me for months. But mostly, it was that he didn't think he could tell me about it.

    If he'd made any sort of small attempt at friendliness this weekend, things would be different. But after kneeling in that graveyard, sobbing and wishing I was dead for so long, I finally figured it out. I'm going to do my best to keep the boy out of my life for the remainder of it. He's hurt me worse than any other human being ever has, and I refuse to let him do it again. I said my goodbyes to my friend, and now he might as well be dead.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeOct 17th 2011
    went to a pretty neat little concert last night. two thrash metal bands set up about twenty feet apart, with the small crowd bundled between them. They then commenced to a battle of the bands. It was pretty sweet, and my ears are still ringing.
    so...that was cool...finally got the contact info for scheduling my own show, but my business partner is being all distant and unresponsive now, and it's getting really hard to get anything done. He's supposed to be helping me with a few things but he's always running off filming and doing deals with his other business partners, like my shit doesn't matter. I know his other work is important but every time I bring something up he gets snippy with me.
    I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to move forward but I'm always kept waiting on someone else...if it's not my business partner it's my husband, drag assing on getting our website up and running. i can't do shit until that's done, and I have absolutely zero web design skills..I'm a traditional artist, not a damned techy..:P.
    I keep getting questioned by some of my creative friends about my shows, and when I'm going to host something they can get involved I'm thinking about starting a whole series of creative art shows in Lexington...maybe one every couple months. A poetry and writing jam kinda event maybe...don't know how I'll make money on that but I'll figure something out, an art and music show (which is the one i'm trying to get planned now) and a film festival of some kind. I could do these twice a year and it would keep me pretty busy organizing it. Might as well just do a music thing too for the hell of it since I know a number of bands here now...
    huh...ya know...I think I'm going to go make a public proposal to my facebook contacts about it lol...thanks whitechapel for letting me rant and be productive :)
    • CommentTimeOct 17th 2011
    Things have actually been...pretty okay lately. The Mapplethorpe book is really hitting me with inspiration, as it's awesome to see work by an artist who was still trying to find his footing in photography (much like I feel I am) and there's a few more things I have my eye on to give more jolts. And while I haven't been taking my camera with me so much, I am learning to reopen my eyes and see things again.

    I also joined the boxing gym for a one year membership, which I'm kind of proud of myself for doing. I'm planning on going three times a week for a bit and seeing where the goes. Just went on Saturday and my legs are killing me from all the running around on the balls of my feet (70-80% of boxing is dancing, my coach says). Despite the pain I'm going again tonight. This time I'm going to remember to bring a protein bar because holy DAMN you get hungry after that workout.
  1.  (10271.66)
    So. Yesterday was awesome and crushing.

    I had an appointment with my awesome new rheumatologist at 4, and a fancy play thing to attend at 8. I stuffed my fancy dress and shoes in my bag and went to Manhattan. But here's the problem: the pharmacy didn't give me all my antibiotics, I'd run out on Saturday, and told me they'd not have my script ready until after 5 on Monday. I left my neihborhood by 3:15, went to a Staples and printed out my entire medical record history (which I have scanned in for easy access) costing me over $50, then hopped in a cab to get to my doctor's office. A fifteen dollar cabride, but kind of nice to take a car up Park Avenue from 14th Street to 76th on a sunny autumn afternoon. I felt so fancy and decadent!

    And then i waited for an hour to be seen, the pressure mounting in my head. It got to be 5:00 and I was still waiting to be seen, so I asked my friend (who I'd urged to go to this show with me) if she was home, and if she'd possibly be willing and able to grab my antibiotics on her way in to the show. There was a chance I'd be able to take the subway back home and then back out to Manhattan in time, but that'd be cutting it terribly close. Luckily, my friend said it'd be no problem.

    My doctor, though he made me wait, really is a nice old man. He told me he'd look through all my doctor reports (which is a fucking BOOK), and kept telling me that I needed a longitutinal study of my health, and that he would blood test me for many things. I got out at around six.

    I ended up spending the next hour in a Verizon store trying to return the second replacement phone they'd sent me that is missing volume buttons. And then, less than an hour before the fancy event, my friend told me she didn't get my meds.

    My head was already pressurizing, and I knew I'd never make it through another night without my pills. I went to the pharmacy near the event, hoping that maybe a different pharmacy of the same chain could be talked into giving me my antibiotics, but they were closed. It was 8:00, and i was out of ideas, and in pain and tears. So, I missed the show and went home, and got my pills just as the local pharmacy was closing.

    It's silly, I guess. But it takes a lot out of me to dress up and go out. I had to cancel at the last minute on a gracious invititation I'd recieved. I was really heartbroken about the entire affair. Moreso when my friend apoloigized, but expalined that she'd told someone she'd be there at a certain time, and she'd run out of time. I explained to my friend that by the same token, she'd told me she'd get my pills, and that I'd have rather her told me she couldn't have from the beginning, because I'd have tried to arrange something else. I could have tried to come back to to get them and gone back out. I was told that if i could have gotten them myself, I shouldn't have asked her to get them in the first place.

    And I guess she's right.

    I think I might have ridiculously high standards for humans. I seem to get crushed so easily and often.

    But I should have remembered that she hid in her room when others helped me moving in; that she knowingly hid in her room during 80% of the moving out process of a neihbor while I was busting my ass, only to show up at the 11th hour and make two trips up and down the stairs. I, meanwhile, broken that I am, will wreck myself helping if I can, knowing that I'll probably be in pain from it. Not for accolades, but because it's... right and good. Because moving sucks, emotionally and physically, and I'll lessen someone else's burden if I can.

    I guess I'm just not very smart in that way. Nor am I the type of person who will get ahead. People like me just don't. I'm not strategically giving. I just don't think about things that way. I keep trying to.

    Yesterday was the third day in a row that I went out, and I'm paying for it greatly today.

    And for spending that hour in the Verizon store yesterday, I got rewarded today with the arrival of a THIRD replacement phone without volume buttons.
  2.  (10271.67)
    @ Fishelle - Going to a graveyard to cry, well that's just brilliant.
    • CommentTimeOct 18th 2011
    Absolutely nothing wrong with expecting people to be as good as their word. Even if few ever are.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeOct 18th 2011 edited
    @Fishelle - sounds like you've done the best. I had to cut my first boyfriend out of my life after he hurt me (we were good friends before we dated so it had some extra sting to it when he hurt me). We tried being friends for a bit after, but he was still being a dick. Anyway, I completely cut him out of my life, though it was hard because I kept thinking about him now and then for years after. Eventually I was able to completely get over it, and had become so emotionally numb towards him that when he called me up years later to try and make amends, I just didn't feel anything. Not sadness, not anger, awkward excitement, anything. I just became completely neutral towards the whole thing. I'm still pissed he treated me the way he did, but not so much it actually gets any emotional trigger out of me. Anyway, you'll heal over the loss, and recover, and then one day the loss won't seem like so much of a loss anymore.

    @Rachael, I second what raz says.

    So my rant. The other night a friend gave me a ride home after a birthday party we were both at. He mentioned that he was taking aerial silk classes for fun, but also hoping that it would help him attain more of a muscular physique he's been wanting. I replied "oh, I know what you mean, I kind of want to lose some weight to get more muscle definition now that I've been strength training recently." And he starts giving me shit for it.

    He goes off on how I already look fine the way I am and there's no reason I should be looking to lose weight and if anything if I do lose weight I'll be less attractive. So I assured him that my weight loss goals had more to do with reaching my fitness goals and less with vanity goals, as I'm already comfortable with my body shape the way it is, but I did think that the look of defined muscles is nice. I mentioned as an example when I used to rock climb, and though I got stronger, I got to a point where I just had too much excess dead weight to really get much better, and he says something like "oh I highly doubt that was the case" or something to the meaning of "I doubt that was really the solution you needed.

    Now, I'm someone who's, since middle school, been overweight to some degree. This guy has always been a skinny boy. So I'm sitting there thinking "how the hell can you say that when you've never known what it's like to be carrying excess dead weight holding you back in physical activities?" Not to mention that there is some level of physics involved here, I mean if you have x amount of muscle, it will have an easier time hauling less weight than more up a 50 foot wall. Duh.

    So, next morning he writes me an email apologizing if he's said anything inappropriate, but he hates it when women try to lose weight to "try and fit into a mold for some unknown reason." So I replied, again assuring him that it was mostly for fitness reasons, and as for the vanity part, I was trying to get defined muscles, not model skinny like the media tries pushing onto people. And he replies "I'm still not entirely convinced you're not trying to fit into some mold that isn't the one you ought to be in." WTF?!

    Okay, so when he says he's trying to get more muscular, that's all fine and dandy, but when I say that I'm trying to lose weight so I can define my muscles, suddenly I'm just trying to fit into a mold? Why, because I'm female and clearly only females ever want to lose weight to fit the media's mold? And what's this "the mold he thinks is the one I ought to be in" crap? I'm not going to not lose weight just because I happen to have the body shape which is the one he's attracted to (the "thick" woman frame, as some call it). And if there's anyone that I'm going to lose or not lose weight for, it sure as hell isn't going to be some random guy who isn't the one I'm currently in a relationship with. Further, does this guy not realize that telling someone that if they'll be less attractive if they lose weight is just as bad as telling someone that they need to lose weight to be attractive? We are talking about moderate weight loss and fitness goals here. I'm currently a size 15 (32" waist, 42"hips) female; there's nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight at that size, especially not for someone like me for whom type 2 diabetes runs in the family (though granted I didn't tell him this).

    Anyway, I'm just pissed that I've been working very hard the last year to get healthier and more fit, having lost 25 pounds in the process, and when I say I want to get muscle definition, someone gives me shit for it. Not to mention he was being totally hypocritical in the process since he mentioned wanting to get more muscular, too. It's one thing to try and and talk someone out of losing weight if they have unreasonable goals and it poses a risk to their health, but to push one's own beauty standards on someone and tell them they have a certain mold they should be in because that's the mold one is attracted to, or to chastise someone as wanting to lose weight for the wrong reasons just because they're female is pretty fucked up.
    • CommentTimeOct 18th 2011
    @Argos, you have an incredibly healthy attitude towards getting fit and losing weight. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

    ... Unless out of the blue you become an anorexerciser, which I highly doubt you will become because you're a well-balanced lady. As well as an incredibly attractive lady... mrrrrrowr!
  3.  (10271.71)
    @ Argos - I understand entirely. The portions of media that ignore the health risks of being CLINICALLY overweight and delve into obesity as a fashion statement that demands acceptance are JUST as offensive as those that encourage women to starve themselves to be television-standard pretty. Trying to attain health through excersize should always be applauded. And y'know what? We, as humans, tend to find physical signs of health to be sexually attractive. That's how we are wired. Being fit is going to end up being something that a majority of other humans will find aesthetically preferable to the alternative.

    There is healthy female curvature that should be accepted in mainstream media as being normal, wonderful, and healthy, yes... but the idea that only one type of body is media acceptable, and anything within that realm is trying to attain media acceptance is bullshit.

    I hear similar crap about breast enlargement. Oh, it's FABULOUS for MtF to get it done, it's empowering and whatnot. But for straight women to get it done is somehow ALWAYS an anti-feminist statement. As though women can't have their own opinion what they want to look like.

    (Personally, I always wanted arms like Sarah Connor in T2. Ever since I saw that movie in the theatre when I was like, 13. Mmmmmph.)
    • CommentTimeOct 18th 2011
    First off, thanks to Rachael and Fishelle for your responses. Having an external entity affirm my existence helps me out of those self-centered little pout sessions. I really appreciate both the intention and content of your comments, even if I waited a few days to say so.

    @Argos: I will both play devil's advocate and not. I agree with you wholly--your body is your own, and you have the right to shape it how you like without being judged. The fact that you have a really good reason for wanting to do so is supplementary.

    But I have to say, as a man who is attracted to women, it is frustrating to hear women talk about wanting to lose weight. It sounds like your friend's frustrations were misplaced, especially after explaining to him why you were doing it, and it sounds like he has trust problems or perhaps a certain amount of self-centeredness to work on, but I see where his brain fired at the initial information.

    It has been years since I've seen a magazine cover and thought "what a beautiful woman." Most of the time I think "I hope there isn't anyone who thinks that is even close to real." I like real women with real bodies, real minds, real opinions of themselves and how the present themselves. When a woman that I find attractive says "I'm SO fat," my reaction is "No you don't, other people told you you were fat in such a way that convinced you without argument. Also, you aren't." It sounds arrogant, so I largely keep it to myself and I try and be supportive rather than judgmental (like y'do), but it's still frustrating. So just know that his irritation wasn't even really with you, it is with what he thought was a biased system making you feel unattractive when you are. Even if that's not what you were thinking.

    So I guess my point is that his reaction was earnest and his intentions weren't bad, but he was kind of a dick about it? I don't know if that's better. I'll shut up now.

    @Fishelle Sounds like your ex has some guilt built up around you and is trying to off set that with being a dick. It's a weird crossed wire I've come across before. You did right by your actual friends, and that's all that matters. Good on ya.
    • CommentTimeOct 18th 2011

    It's one thing to try and and talk someone out of losing weight if they have unreasonable goals and it poses a risk to their health, but to push one's own beauty standards on someone and tell them they have a certain mold they should be in because that's the mold one is attracted to, or to chastise someone as wanting to lose weight for the wrong reasons just because they're female is pretty fucked up.

    You actually said more than I ever could about that situation. And on the other end how would HE feel if he ever got bitched at for wanting to tone up and being accused of trying to fit in to a mould? Argh. Argh argh argh. Stupidity.

    And jeez, I'm an INTERNET FRIEND and even I know that you're looking at getting fit in an incredibly healthy and not anorexic way. And I also understand that there's a big difference between looking good and feeling fit.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeOct 18th 2011
    @tedcroland yeah, I can see how his intentions were good, I'm mostly just annoyed that even after explaining it to him he replied "I'm still not convinced you're not just trying to fit into a mold." As if he knew better than I did what i was actually thinking when I hadn't even seen him in over a year. I wasn't even mad at him until he replied with that statement, since I had made it pretty clear that it wasn't a case of "omg i'm so fat!" And you're right, this dude really does have quite a bit of self-centeredness to work on, he's quite egotistical.

    @everyone else, thanks! This is the only person I've run into that's been so accusing of my fitness goals, it just really threw a wrench into all the hard work I've put into myself so far. Everyone else in my life has been incredibly supportive, though.
  4.  (10271.75)
    @Argos: "As if he knew better than I did what i was actually thinking when I hadn't even seen him in over a year." I was getting that kind of feeling from your telling of what happened. Ugh, what an ass. Anyone (especially a guy) who tries to treat me like that gets told off at the very least.

    @Rachael & Razrangel: Sad fact - I've been around flakey people enough that I have gotten better at learning to not care when they do that shit. Especially when it comes to planning. I've gotten to the point that if a plan falls through, I'm learning to just go out and do something fun anyway. And not calling them back. If someone isn't reliable about plans, fuck it, I don't want to be friends with them anyway.