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      CommentAuthorMorac
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2011
     (10310.1)
    @GovSpy Even if you ultimately decide that it doesn't fit your collection, write it anyways and package it separately. It sounds like you have already decided that it should be told, all you have to do now is decide how to go about it.
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      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2011
     (10310.2)
    @govspy It's not fiction, so not all of the same rules that I follow apply, but in my experience you gotta let the story do what it wants. You can always edit it down later, but during the actual telling, the story is the boss. Don't worry - you've got a great storytelling voice, I doubt anyone's going to care about you taking your time with a story.

    Besides, I'm the guy who spent six posts relating an epic tale of roommate hatred - I'm the LAST person to tell you to keep your verbage to a minimum!
  1.  (10310.3)
    Thanks everyone. First bit's up.
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      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2011
     (10310.4)
    @flecky That's Whitechapel for you, on the side of people who are true and arse-kicking the people who just come to be shitheads. We're glad you're making better choices, glad you're fighting to be true instead of making a show, and just glad you're here sharing your side of reality. Chapellians helped me during some of the worst shit of my life and cheered me own when I decided to take charge and choose the things I was supposed to be doing instead of letting the world choose or reject me. You and I aren't the only ones who owe Whitechapel so much of our well being.

    @govspy What Alan and Morac said: write the story you have to write, edit later. The only caution I would even consider is don't hide from your stories or let them turn into fictions. They're amazing and compelling because they're true. I don't think you'd be dishonest, you don't seem to have that about you. So it's not even a concern I think you need to have. (I just keep remembered the line from Gaiman's Sandman "Never trust writers, my dear. Writers are liars." You'd have to get philosophical to apply that to non-fiction.)

    It's been a mad week. Started off with Halloween and a big Japanese test. I wasn't really ready for Halloween and a little bit (but not as much I would like) prepared for Japanese. So I didn't costume this year. Which is somewhat horrible. There's a good chance this was the first time I ever missed dressing up. Ordinarily I'd worry that this means I'm going numb but the times aren't ordinary around here. I spent October running full tilt between a friend going through hard times, huge events, theatre shows, visiting and subsequently engaged friends, family illness, and oh yeah, trying to represent like a voice actor (hah!), taking an improv class 40 miles away, studying Japanese and attempting to get in 10 hours of community service every week. It didn't work out as planned, but little in life ever does.

    Tuesday I did some community service and found out the lady who runs the place was inflating my hours. My accounting has me at eleven hours total. Hers has me at more than twice that. I know she did because she's just being nice to me and rounding up my days. But I know she's also harder on other people. IF she decides she doesn't like your attitude (and sweet baby jesus I cannot begin to guess what she measures by) then your time at the food pantry is going to be a lot tougher. It's the funny thing about retelling the characteristics of a person that I've always had trouble with. I'm surprised by her casual prejudices, her racism and homophobia, her summary judgments... but it's because she can be very sweet and patient and helpful. And I try to explain this to others, that she's a kind and caring person who harbors a propensity for snap judgment that makes her a bigot. And I know that it's not any kind of expectation on me that I should call her on it. I'm not precisely scared that she'll get mad at me if I asked her to knock it off. It's far more that I don't know how to handle this situation - however every time I try to bring it up to someone how to handle it I'm told it's not for me to handle it. Well, I know that telling someone they are being prejudiced doesn't tend to do anything. But that's just it...what does work? Or how can someone be made to see how they've made snap decisions about someone that are a little unfair. It's hard to say totally unfair when she really does work with some of the dredges of society. But.... *sigh*

    On Wednesday my sister got married. Um. It was crazy. And it was nice. And I toasted her off the cuff and got misty eyed. And then I had Japanese class. I showed up in most of the stuff I wore to the wedding - no time to change more than my shoes and pants - including hair & makeup. So everyone exclaimed at my appearance. Nice to know I still clean up good.

    Since then it's been all about watching my niece, the dog & the cat. And having it reinforced that I don't want kids or pets. Little breathing in my own time and space, and almost nothing for taking care of my own stuff. (Improv class on Thursday night was a welcome respite.) My room and bathroom are a disaster from wedding prep. The idea is to take care of it today. Um... oh dear.

    The coming week, hell this month, I try, try, try again to get on top of my life. So tired of fucking saying that and utterly failing. Fucking tired. I really have to get my shit in order and take ownership. Just having a demo doesn't mean squat if I don't shove it into people's ears. BTW listen here. And I'm achey from not exercising everyday. And I'm not taking care of my voice. And I don't have a daily regimen for studying. ...And I want money to just fall on me? Ugh. I have to own this shit.
  2.  (10310.5)
    I am so used to being in great pain, and have become so blase about it, so used to straining at every single simple daily activity, that it does not carry forth any weight when I mention it to those around me. People who are used to just used me online and haven't seen me IRL always mention how much more chipper and active I am. That according to my online content, they'd assumed I was falling apart.

    But I am.

    I've had days where I was on the verge of suicide, sobbing hysterically for hours upon hours.... and then an unexpected social interaction suddenly pops up, and I can suck it up, smile and engage.

    My headaches are returning. They are excrutiating.

    I keep losing time. Losing important facts. Not recognizing simple things. i can feel my mind slipping away.

    My joints hurt so constantly that... just typing as I stand, right now on my laptop propped up at shoulder height, my forearms supported, my shoulders scream at me and i can't bear to type for more than 30 seconds at a stretch.

    My ankle gave out last night just from... walking.

    I think I have another kidney stone.

    If I have to engage socially with others, or go out somewhere, I need to give myself at least 4 hours of prep time. Joints moving, painkillers kicking in, social anxiety, OCD issues with the panic of getting dressed, etc...

    But I'm bred to not show pain. This is why I scream myself out in the void of the internet so much. I don't show pain. It's difficult to allow myself to not smile and be pleasant and entertaining. But it's so tiring.

    I can't give in to it and just lay down and relax. Because then I'd never ever do anything. I'm always in pain. There's always something wrong, something breaking, something hurting, something fucked. I'm always pushing myself. and then paying for it.

    But to others... I seem fine. I say that I hurt, but I still manage to do things. It's .... exhausting and depressing.

    Oh wow, I hope this isn't another kidney stone. But day three of the exact same pain in my lower left abdomen... oooog.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 6th 2011
     (10310.6)
    @ Rachael Tyrell: Hang in there kiddo.As you know i can relate to you so i wish you all the best.

    I fookin' hate the internet.just done a massive post and my server had somehow crashed or whatever.Its bloody awful when that happens.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 6th 2011
     (10310.7)
    @ All: Thanks loads for all your support.I would list everyone yet fear i would probably miss someone.So a big irish viking Northman sweaty hug from me.
    Fookin' multitasking here with my mate on phone.Carnage of a torrid inadvertant naive as hell online meeting of minds on a recovery bolox site leading to games of sad lust and jealousy..i would go into the wanky details yet fook i bare my soul to you guys enough as it is.
    Have i no pride?A bit..sometimes..does it matter?Emotions are a bitch.If i followed them all the time i swear to fookin' god and me old mate satan this city London would be drenched in vats of coagulated clotted queasy cow blood..
    It's 6 a.m in Shepherds Bush.Once again thinking as i tap this mindshite in that some poor sod is probably being turned over by some twisted crackhead junky in the estate over the road from me..
    White City..the BBC park..infested with dealers,runners,whores,red faced drunks ranting insanely at each other...
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      CommentAuthortexture
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011
     (10310.8)
    @GFovSpy: I literally cannot wait to read your stuff man. You always have the best true-life stories on here, for sure.
  3.  (10310.9)
    Thanks man. I've had a million artist and musician friends, girlfriends etc. and I always felt like the only one in the group without any talent. This place and all of you in it have made me feel like I'm not so out of place after all. Thank you.
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      CommentAuthordorkmuffin
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011
     (10310.10)
    @GovSpy, seriously?

    I have a woefully short attention span and I make SURE I read every word of your posts.