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    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 2nd 2011
     (10310.21)
    Hello o faithful Whitechapel..i've been away from this haven of sanity for far to long.Feel like a stinking English traitorous guilt ridden piece of ham on the slab..

    DETOX UPDATE: Proud to say i've not used any class a street shit since last here..sticking to the suboxone meds whilst the truely vile methadone is seeping out my body and soul like rancid fucking boiled cabbage rotten vanilla stench of death stirred with toxic steel heads spurting death on the tubeline of Shepherds Bush London..

    Once again i must stress my utter hatred of methadone..it makes a three day "cluck" (Cold turkey) from heroin seem like a walk in Ravenscourt Park..I will never ever forget ive allowed a drug formulated by the nazi's during world war 2 to rob me of my life..Hitler would be laughing insanely as he squatted to take a sex piss on England..
    There have been days ive just managed to get supplies in to my council flat detox ward after attending NA meets in poncy Notting Hill and a truely toilet blocked sinking place called The Den off Ladbroke Grove W10..the place was used to stash cadeverous cretins of constipated bowel death..the air is ripe with the stench of human error..shit obviously getting to me as i had a surreal nitemare about desending into it alone the other night.

    sigh..fooksake..the dreams one has getting clean..pure existential warped el twisto..i wake from these epic excursions into deranged dementia shaking unable to crawl out of my stink pit to get a brew and a fag together as i reel in pure staring into the void stuff of tip toe razerblade teen anxiety..and im an old bastad!!

    The fury and the lust of emotions is just overwhelming.I fit the profile of a serial killer.Yet now all the trappings of ego have gone i have no identity to fall back on..on the whole ive always prided myself as being a addict with high morals.Ive never mugged anyone and used to support my addiction by working hard or petty crime..or ripping of prescriptions from GPs etc.
    Even if the filth where reading this mindshite they got nowt they can pin on me.Absolutey nothing so i dare you "Nick me you spastard fucks"

    So..crap aside..i really dont know how im alive.The violence and death i've seen..i've got to see a good shrink to deal with survivors guilt etc.

    So o my sisters and brothers of the legendary Freakangel Clan...tis time for me coffee.I hope everyone is handling life as best they can.

    Laters!!
    •  
      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeNov 2nd 2011
     (10310.22)
    flecky you motherfucker you had us worried!! Glad you're still up and kicking life in the balls.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFishelle
    • CommentTimeNov 2nd 2011
     (10310.23)
    We were worried about you, Flecky. Glad to see you're still alive and detoxing.

    As for me, I think I might be able to get my bachelors degree in one year less time than I planned originally. It'll mean 15 credits a semester, but having 14 this semester, I think I could handle that. I would also have to choose between lithography and screenprinting, I couldn't take both. I think that will mostly depend on who's teaching what. The biggest thing is there needs to be one magical Art History class that fills another graduation requirement. The only reason I figured out I can do this much, though, is because of a magical Art History class that fills another graduation requirement, so... hope?

    If I could finish school here in 2 years with my grades being decent, I will for sure graduate debt free. I wouldn't have to renew my full tuition scholarship (which is difficult at best here, mostly impossible from what I've heard).

    But the biggest reason I want to be done by summer of 2013 is probably silly. You see, this boy that I love is coming back from a Mormon mission in June, then going to the school I went to before. He's planning on one year there, then off to adventure in New York or Australia or something. So if he sticks to his plans and I'm not done with school yet, we'll have to be separated again. Possibly with me in Utah and him in New York City again. And I'm feeling pretty done with this distance. But if we finish with our Utah schools at the same time, I could go with him wherever he wants to go. Or if he changed his mind and stayed in Utah a little longer with me finishing school in a year, it'd be possible to be with him in the town where I went to school before, where we met, which is one of my favorite places in the world.

    I mean, I know it's silly. I kind of have to go over these sort of plans with the boy in question before really making them. And there's still a year and a half between now and when I graduate (if everything goes right) for everything to go wrong. But I've never wanted anything to work out so much in my whole life.
    •  
      CommentAuthorglukkake
    • CommentTimeNov 2nd 2011
     (10310.24)
    Haha, I love having to remind someone that I might possibly have emotions that maybe it would be nice if they would mind once in a while and then defend myself as not being irrational for having them. Because, y'know, I only yelled at them for treating me like a statue a few weeks ago.
  1.  (10310.25)
    Flecky - if you want to feel the whitechapel looooooove, check out the previous Open Mic thread. We were talkin' bout ya.
    • CommentAuthorFlabyo
    • CommentTimeNov 3rd 2011
     (10310.26)
    @dispophoto - had a root canal last year that required them to do an injection right into the nerve. I swear, that is probably the most pain a male can ever experience...
  2.  (10310.27)
    Oh I could tell you kids stories about pain. Just you wait until the theme of the Spinning Yarns thread is "Medical horror stories"

    As for needles to nerves, try having a room full of fresh out of med-school interns trying to get a needle from your tailbone up to your lower back through your spine without the attending present. For about 20 minutes. Whoo eee! Good times.

    @Flecky - Gald to hear you're doing OK mate.
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      CommentAuthornelzbub
    • CommentTimeNov 3rd 2011
     (10310.28)
    @ Flecky- good to see you back mate, missed your ranting.
    @ dispophoto- sympathies for the dental horrors, still the most barbaric form of medicine. I won't share my own dental nightmares because they make me feel queasy just thinking of them. Suffice to say that I'm a few short of the full quota of teeth.
    @ everyone else, as ever, sympathies for your woes good luck with your struggles.
    For my own part, this week has been ok. Drunken fancy dress at my local on monday, with a couple of days off to recover during which I trimmed my little garden harvest and played x-box with my girl and chilled in my dressing gown.
    got a busy month ahead, my folks are over for a visit next week which should be fun. And then the cannabis cup will be in town and I've got three different jobs to try and fit into a week- shifts in the coffee shop, more in a friends' bong shop and then another manning a stall at the expo. Going to be a busy week but I can't moan as I'm going to need to start putting funds aside. The coffee shop is losing its license at the end of the year and I'll be back to looking for work in the dead of winter when there are very few tourists and hence not a lot of work to be had in the industry.
    The clocks going back this week has reminded me that I've always struggled with winter in this city. I think it's something about the lack of a horizons and a generally very narrow view of a predominantly grey and dismal sky. It seems to effect me much more than I ever noticed elsewhere. Glasgow could be pretty grim in the winter but, I think, because you can almost always see out of the city to the hills I never felt so enclosed as I do here in Amsterdam.
    I've often said that when the sun is shining on amsterdam there is nowhere else i would rather be, but I really wish I could get my life to a place where I could piss off out of here every year as soon as the new year fireworks craziness had ended and not come back till April when the sun comes back. One day, I hope this will happen. Until then- nice things for nice people-shit sandwiches for the shits.
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      CommentAuthortaphead
    • CommentTimeNov 3rd 2011
     (10310.29)
    @ everyone - Stay sane and reasonably safe. I've said it before and I'll say it again: If 2011 had a face, I'd punch it, and keeps swinging for all of you.

    Meanwhile in Finland. This year I've lost two ladies, one cat and not just my job but my entire field of work. Last week I got to add a band to the list, as it turned out I was not exactly a good match for a blues/glam rock band. I'm still neck deep in debt, and getting more than a bit nervous about the way things seem to be heading. When not busy busy, I'm mostly lonely and rather tired.

    Right now I'm like a shark (not Bob, though, as I'm slow). I'm fine as long as I don't stop. It's not quite as awesome as it sounds.

    Hope this finds you well.
  3.  (10310.30)
    Local murder was apparently not a murder. Thanks, local news, for spreading needless panic.
    :P

    In anycase I'm glad it's 'safe' to go outside again. I actually saw the sun today.
    •  
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeNov 3rd 2011
     (10310.31)
    Oh, wow. That's good to hear, Roo... I mean, all things considered.
  4.  (10310.32)
    Good: Food stamps! YAY!

    Bad: Brain swelling no longer wrangled into submission by antibiotics and morphine. ohgodpain.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeNov 3rd 2011
     (10310.33)
    @taphead

    My sympathies, mate.

    @Rootfireember

    Yay! ...Yay?
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 4th 2011
     (10310.34)
    I just got back from a five day toy buying trip to southern florida. I had hitched a ride with some folks that had their own business to attend to and my business partner came along with me. The trip was long and difficult. I couldn't take any of my "herbal meds" to help with my arthritis and belly pain so I really didn't eat too much until the last day of the trip where I managed half a six inch sub sandwich and a number of nutrigrain bars. The good thing was that my companions were very courteous and took good care of this poor crippled girl. The bad part was that things were very strained still between my business partner and I and I don't know how to fix them. I want to be friends but I've done something to fuck that up I guess. I don't know what, he wouldn't talk to me except business stuff the whole time.
    Another good thing. I tried alligator, and it was pretty good.I only managed one small breaded popcorn chicken sized bite, but it was fairly yummy.I also got treated to lobster but it was only a small tail and it was terribly overdone and tough. You'd think they'd do better there. The best part was the slices of florida red navel orange and fresh cut tangerine I ate. It was a sample at this little fruit stand we stopped at. I ended up paying fifteen dollars for a bag of the oranges. I had to. They were the most delicious fruit. All sun and warmth and vitimins just bursting forth. mmmMMmm...I haven't broken into the bag yet because they are too big for me, Ill have to split one with my husband when he wakes up. I'm always tempted when I go to florida, to jump the fences and raid the orange groves...heh.
    It was really nice having a couple of days of florida sun in the middle of november. When I made it back to KY it was fourty some degrees (F), in Florida it was in the eighties and sunny. I think the vitimin D was kinda good for my mood.

    In other news, I gave up on my new bar. They've refused to answer me, so I sent a message to the bar I used last time. We'll see if they are still interested. I'll give them a week. If they don't answer me, then I'll just have to push on. Surely someone will be interested in making some money. I've proven I can make it work. I've put at least a dozen conventions and small events together. Everyone always has a blast and all my guests seem to really like working with me. I really hope I can put this together.
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      CommentAuthortexture
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2011
     (10310.35)
    Things that are pissing me off:

    The magazine I helped set up in 2005 has become a pile of corporate wank. And decided on a new banner slogan: INDEPENDENT CULTURAL JOURNALISM. Aye, like fuck, ya bams.

    Making music and playing gigs is like banging your head off of a brick fucking wall.

    I've got to be goddamned crazy to believe I will ever finish writing a novel. Even after weeks and weeks of not smoking weed, I'm just as lazy, forgetful, evasive and downright cliched-in-the-wordpan as I was before, I'm not able to hack this shit.

    I've spent my savings on this course, and I'm going to meander through it half-heartedly just like I meandered through my twenties.

    I've caused not one but TWO girls to leave Facebook entirely in the last two years. It was their fault but.... it occurs to me I'm a MASSIVE WANKER.

    ... and I just won't shut the fuck up with the constant WHINING.

    Things that are cheering me up:

    I still quite enjoy writing for that magazine... I might get to intreview Zach Hill this month. If I'm lucky they'll even pay me twenty quid.

    I played a gig last night. Some people (about 20 or so) came. Made sixteen quid. Nae bad.

    I say I'll never finish the (bastard) novel, but I did manage about 5000 words last week. It might be shite, but it's on the page now.

    Fuckit... money's for spending anyway.

    Facebook is full of dickheads, now there are two less...

    Okay, I'ma shut the fuck up now.

    Big love Whitechapel!
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      CommentAuthortaphead
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2011
     (10310.36)
    Bram's turn at the mic there spurred me to figure out the flipside, too. (I remain ever the optimist, but I think I had to get the mope out of my system there.)

    Of the two relationships that ended this year, one may well have just become more unhealthy with time, and the other one has since evolved into a thoroughly amazing friendship.

    The cat was fortunately diganosed before she was in too bad a shape, and she didn't have to go through any futile and painful treatments. The other cat (both are staying with the ex/bff) has since become incredibly social and friendly, and he used to be the most timid thing ever.

    The work is something I've been getting more and more tired with, and so a forced change of field is not necessarily a bad thing at all. Time to put more energy into the things I actually love.

    The band gave me an opportunity to try the whole rock band thing, and the twice-a-week reherseals came in handy. Plus, I may get something cooking with the bass player who got canned at the same time as I. (Incidentally with SMSs! Classy!)

    The debt is still there, but I think I may have whittled it down to four digits, so it will get done, with time. And at least I haven't been digging any deeper into the whole for years now.

    I have friends. I'm involved in several things in the local music scene and getting a hefty dose of energy from that.

    Still moving, and ahead instead of in circles.

    Thanks, all. And good luck to you and yours.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2011
     (10310.37)
    @ -T-E-X-T-U-R-E-: aye mate...can feel the anger! And tis a facto..i have nowt but contempt for the dreaded facebook...yet paradoxically i've never been on it.So i bear a resentment made from a judgement based on my own warped opinions based on external stimuli in the dreaded form of every motherfucker i want dead yet dont really want to or do i?
    These are the things i think about as i sharpen my axe..as i stare drooling in the psychocandy store!

    Aaaiiee!!!Reality beckons..

    oh...forgot..got my wage packet from involuntary work..was huge..massive..dont know what to do with it! Should i move to a more respectible area of Mother London?...knightsbridge.I've always wanted to degrade that bastad.Or,one thinks,Chelsea..yes i will be right at home with all the soFistos!!!Dead eye gits!!
    Yes.£20.Its such a burden to carry.I'm rich! loaded!Fookin' king emperor of everything i value! Lord of my own midget carnival travelling flea husk circus!!
    Seriously though..should i buy a porche? I know this bloke..does fookin wicked deals.Two brand new motors for £25..Good bloke..nice wife(fooked 'er!)..couple of good kids(little shits!)

    20 fookin quid..sigh..something not right going on..a grown man.works.end result..

    £20!!

    I'm cringing in a world of shame as i tap this in..stop laughing at me!!
    The sad thing is i felt proud getting it..now thats the stuff of nitemares!!

    £20!!

    And,being a pervert,i want more!!Now!!May do a bit of over time..visions of £25!! Extacikus!!Bolox!!Poxus!!The game is afoot...have at ya!!!
  5.  (10310.38)
    So, I'm still writing my... I dunno what you call it. The collection of my stories & anecdotes? Each one is maybe a page or two, a couple of pages or more in some cases. I'm up to 34,593 words at the moment, and I'm writing of how I ended up moving BACK to Texas from Chicago, when my family was involved in a major car accident and how I lost my grandfather, back in early 2005. Man, is it a tough write.

    My girlfriend says that I tend to tell most of my stories with a kind of an emotional detachment, as if they happened to someone else and I am just reciting the anecdote. She thinks it might be a bit of a survival tactic due to some of the things I've been through. Sometimes she thinks I have PTSD.

    Either way, this thing is different. For one, it's taking up about 10% of the collection so far. Is that too much? If one story is ten times longer than the rest. In some ways, I think it could be seen a s a climax, if this were a novel, but it's not a novel; it's just a retelling of things that happened. It would be a climax in the way the description of the tyrannosaurus was a climax in A Sound of Thunder.

    It's also different as that the telling has become harder than any other tale. I don't know if I can post it here. I haven't finished it, while just about every other story was written in one sitting, possibly edited sometimes afterwards.

    I'm completely new at taking writing seriously. It's a foreign concept to me. Am I taking it too seriously? Should I just write what comes to mind (as I've been doing) and just keep at it until the well runs dry? Do people actually want to read the depressing yet life-changing story in the middle of my embarassing stories and horrible roommates and worst jobs and prison tales?
    • CommentAuthorFlabyo
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2011
     (10310.39)
    @govspy - A story is as long as it takes to tell it, some will run longer than others and there's nothing wrong with that.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFishelle
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2011
     (10310.40)
    Do people actually want to read the depressing yet life-changing story in the middle of my embarassing stories and horrible roommates and worst jobs and prison tales?


    Yes. Keep going. Also, what Flabyo said.