Whitechapel - SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October

Whitechapel - SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) Mon, 17 Jun 2013 22:18:40 -0700 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/ Lussumo Vanilla 1.1.4 & Feed Publisher SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314145#Comment_314145 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314145#Comment_314145 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 02:28:40 -0700 Horrible Warning Si
THE RULES:

1. Recount a tale on the below topic. You have 300 words. Anything more than that will be flambéed with the righteous heat of Deletion. Repeat offenders will be banned.

Linking to a longer version of the story, or posting subsequent chapters, or anything which indirectly pushes it past that 300 word limit, will be similarly nuked.

2. Read – and comment on – the other entries, before you post your own. Partly that’s because you’ll look like a plum if your story is a rubbish shadow of someone else’s. Mostly it’s because you’re not an impolite shit, are you?

[3. Additional emphasis: “Topic.” TOP-IC. That means your anecdote should revolve around a specific subject, yes? The one below, in fact. Not just any old tale you care to share. Deviation = maggoty pee-hole disaster.]

THE LEGAL CRAP:

By telling us your story, it’s in the public domain. Don’t get pissy about that.

Right now you’re in a pub, surrounded by writers, artists and socialites. If you recount an interesting tale to entertain and endear yourself to your fellows, you do not get to bitch about it if a twisted version of the same tale shows up 30 years later on the other side of the planet. Stories are contagious. My advice? Be honest. Don’t make shit up. Don’t treat this like a fiction thread. It’s a chance to entertain and move us with your life experience. That’s plenty good enough.

THE TOPIC:

"Did someone mention public transport?" ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314146#Comment_314146 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314146#Comment_314146 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 03:22:56 -0700 Purple Wyrm
I use public transport a lot. I've never got a drivers licence and I've always lived within five minutes walk of a train station, so riding the buses, rails and occasional ferry is the way I get around. Over the years I've seen some seriously odd things, such as the following...

* Two elderly gentlemen laying out newspaper on the carriage floor, pulling out wine glasses and cheerfully pouring themselves serve after serve of sherry, accompanying each round with elaborate toasts.
* A bug eyed, silent man, walking grimly down the carriage handing out a minutely printed screed about how Rupert Murdoch has replaced everyone he knows with actors, and asking him to stop.
* A man boarding the bus, weighed down with ferns, yelling that he wanted to go to "THE PUB!!" and then trying to hand out his greenery to all and sundry.
* A passenger loudly telling a fellow passenger about his lengthy experiences with angels, who he could tell were angels because they had no knees (there was just empty space in the middle of their legs...).
* A pale, cadaverous man clad completely in clothes knitted from purple wool trying to interest a bunch of schoolkids in the "truth" about MI5 and the secret of hanger 18.
* A sour faced old man in a red tracksuit who I swear had to be Ambrose Bierce.
* And my favourite? The man who gets on the train carrying a small sports bag. After looking around for rail guards he sets it on the ground, unzips it - and the head of a Jack Russell terrier pokes out and starts looking happily around.

I've got a couple of more narrative stories, but I'll save them for later. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314163#Comment_314163 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314163#Comment_314163 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 08:50:35 -0700 RenThing
* A bug eyed, silent man, walking grimly down the carriage handing out a minutely printed screed about how Rupert Murdoch has replaced everyone he knows with actors, and asking him to stop.

My idea of hell right there.

Ok, here goes...

Few years ago I was coming back from SF on BART. Most of the time when I'm on BART I have a book and my iPod to dissuade people from talking to me and this time was no different and so I was a bit perturbed when someone in the seat ahead of mine tapped me on the shoulder. Who was it? My personal Writing Fairy Godfather.

Allow me to explain.

He was a young black man, heavily tattooed, and he began having the weirdest conversation at me (my input didn't really matter). He asked me my name and then proceeded to launch into a story about how he was a record producer/rap/electronic artist who liked making songs about money and sex (because those things make people happy and happy people buy more stuff according to his logic).

He then asked if I was a writer, which creeped me out because I am. He said he knew because I had some heavy bags under my eyes but that I wasn't really pro because professional writers have three bags under their eyes and I only had two. The creeping out continued when he said, "But stories, man? Stories are sometimes like a cake that's baking. Now, some people want to look in the oven, right? Look in the oven, let the hot air out, and fuck up the cake. Sometimes you have to let a story cook until it's done, and if you don't then you don't get it."

Looked me square in the eye and said, "You got to let that cake bake, man. You got to let that fucking cake bake."

Which was very poignant, and creepy, because I was stuck in a pretty significant case of writer's block at the time.

Strange who you meet on public transit. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314174#Comment_314174 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314174#Comment_314174 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 11:30:40 -0700 government spy
While riding the bus, a homeless-looking gentleman sat in the seat in front of me and smelled exactly like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, and he smelled so delicious that I began to feel hungry.

Then I realized I was on a bus sniffing a homeless person.

Another time, I was coming home from work in my prison guard uniform, and some old black guy was getting on the bus, and some young white kid, looking like a meth head ran up and grabbed him. The bus driver lady froze, and the meth head was yelling about how the old man owed him two dollars. I asked the bus driver if she wanted me to intervene, and she said to kick them both off the bus; there is zero tolerance for fighting. I cocked an eyebrow and asked her if she really wanted me to kick the old man of the bus and she said yes. I shrugged, but it's not my bus so I started to get the old man off the bus. The meth head kid went to grab him, and the driver changed her mind, saying get him on here. So I grabbed his luggage, pulled him on the bus, and as the meth head went to step forward, I hit him once, really good, and as he fell back, I told the driver to gun it, and we left him in the dust.

(Hey! I made it in under 300 words!) ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314179#Comment_314179 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314179#Comment_314179 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 12:10:52 -0700 oldhat SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314180#Comment_314180 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314180#Comment_314180 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 12:38:41 -0700 sellmeyoursoul SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314185#Comment_314185 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314185#Comment_314185 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 13:03:13 -0700 oldhat SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314190#Comment_314190 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314190#Comment_314190 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 13:45:58 -0700 StefanJ
In the very early eighties, I used to take the 23 bus from Glen Cove to Roosevelt Field mall, and the 16 bus from there to Nassau Community College.

One stop before the campus was the Tri-Workshop, a vocational training outfit. So, the bus there, and the busses feeding that line each morning, were full of folks on the left slope of the cognitive bell curve and/or the fringes of emotional health.

It was instructive, in a totally non-ironic way. My fellow passengers included folks who were barely able to function in the world, but dutifully got on the bus each day for work and were damn cheerful. A frail young woman who exhibited stereotyped behavior, performing the same bus-riding rituals each day. A creepy, unshaven guy who was utterly fascinated with me, and did everything he could to sit next to me. When he could manage it, he always had the same question:

"N-n-nice day isn't it?"

I'd answer yes and that satisfied him. He had no follow-up.

One fellow student was a beaten-down, perpetually bereft-looking, shaggy-headed guy who poured over a tiny bible each morning. One of the Tri-Workshop workers, a perpetually sour, sneering little prick. One day the latter decided to pick on the former, launching an inept tirade involving Hitler and not wanting to be preached at. It was horrifying to watch. The poor sad sack just sat there and took it, at the end meekly saying something to the effect of: What Happens, Will Happen.

I'm grateful for my sanity every day. One fumbled chromosome duplication during my gestation and I'd still be on that bus, heading for the Tri-Workshop. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314205#Comment_314205 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314205#Comment_314205 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 14:42:26 -0700 Alan Tyson
@RenThing: I think I know exactly what you mean - I have a There-and-Gone-Again-Muse story myself, though I'll tell it some other time. Still, things like that just seem to happen to writers, don't they? It's like a requirement.

@governmentspy: It wouldn't be a govspy story if you didn't punch someone. I mean that in the kindest, most admiring way.

@oldhat: Yeah... why DO they always want to shake your hand? The guys asking for money in Savannah did that too - I always assumed it was so they'd have one hand occupied so they could pick my pocket.

@StefanJ: Jesus... you shouldn't be allowed to work at a place like that if you're so much of a dipshit.

I'm on an Amtrak train, headed from Nowhere in Particular, Iowa, to Shit Damn It's Cold, Colorado, in the cracked-plastic seat, staring out the window at a whole lot of moonlit nothing, sharing the car with a fellow about my age. All of a sudden, these two guys storm into the car and head right for this kid. For no reason I can think of, I duck down in my seat, and go full fetal.

One guy is big, muscled, shaved bald, not a nice-looking dude. The other looks like an old homeless guy. Over time, I learn that they're bitching out this poor bastard for quitting the Army. Now, great big scary dude, he sounds like he knows the kid, and I can see him being Army, but I still have no idea who the "bum" was. If he was Army, the last time he wore green would have been Vietnam. But he's going on about it, too, talking about the kid losing his honor and disappointing his folks and all this other bullshit. The kid is taking it alright, just nodding and letting them heap it on. The only part that I remember clearly is the "bum" saying "you got to wake up and be a man." Sergeant Payne follows that with "That's RIGHT. Be a man." Then, bum repeats that same thing, but with a different emphasis. "That's right. BE a man."

This goes on for about twenty minutes, then finally they leave, thankfully the same way they came in, so they don't see me. About a minute after the door is closed, and I'm pretty sure they aren't coming back, I poke my head up. The kid sees me, smiles and says "Sorry about that." Then he leans on the window, and goes to sleep.

I found another car to ride in, after that. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314206#Comment_314206 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314206#Comment_314206 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 15:17:28 -0700 StefanJ

I suppose some people are Born Assholes, just genetically or obstinately selfish, clueless, but I really think most irritating wince-inducing people one encounters, if you could watch a film of the highlights of their life, and their day, you’d be overwhelmed with sympathy, perhaps in tears with sorrow over what they’ve gone through, what they’ve lost, what they never found out, what was done to them...

--John Shirley, blog post ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314221#Comment_314221 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314221#Comment_314221 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 18:40:29 -0700 Greasemonkey psychedelic baked goods.

About a week later, my buddy shows up on his delivery run, tells me to meet him out the back after work. Five minutes later, he hands me a whole bin-liner bag full of pot clippings.

So there I am, riding home on the afternoon train with a backpack full of reeking contraband, and a fucking UNIFORMED COP walks into the carriage and sits down. I'm pissing my pants, imagining being up in front of the magistrate and trying to explain that five kilos of pot is in fact a personal amount (under Australian law, possession charges don't distinguish between pot leaf - which is almost valueless for street sale because it's harsh to smoke and has a fairly low THC content - and smokeable buds, so the reported street value of pot seizures is often pure inflated bullshit), and wondering how much time I'm going to be serving as a drug dealer. The cop starts sniffing and looking around, I'm trying to disappear down the crack between my seat and backrest, when he says to the bloke behind him, "Hey, you can't drink that in here!". Turns out he's been sitting in front of a smelly homeless guy who's been working his way through a bottle of spirits in a brown paper bag.

The train stopped at a station and I made my escape. It was a six mile hike home from work, but from then on I always walked home when transporting questionable substances. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314231#Comment_314231 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314231#Comment_314231 Tue, 01 Nov 2011 21:01:18 -0700 Purple Wyrm That Rupert Murdoch guy might have been on to something. It's a good thing you didn't really get to know him, or they might have replaced you, too.

For all I know they might have done so anyway. It would explain a lot.

I actually typed out most of his complaint on my blog (I lost the tiny strip of paper it was printed on before I could finish it). I'd link it here but I don't know if that would violate the no links to longer versions rule. Lord and Master Si? ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314243#Comment_314243 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314243#Comment_314243 Wed, 02 Nov 2011 01:55:42 -0700 Horrible Warning Si
But if it's a fascinating Thing and you want to open it up for discussion, why not start a new thread about it? ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314262#Comment_314262 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314262#Comment_314262 Wed, 02 Nov 2011 07:54:17 -0700 government spy SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314292#Comment_314292 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314292#Comment_314292 Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:44:58 -0700 sellmeyoursoul
please don't hit me. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314318#Comment_314318 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314318#Comment_314318 Wed, 02 Nov 2011 14:45:41 -0700 Alan Tyson SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314335#Comment_314335 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314335#Comment_314335 Wed, 02 Nov 2011 15:32:47 -0700 Purple Wyrm But if it's a fascinating Thing and you want to open it up for discussion, why not start a new thread about it?

A good point sir ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314372#Comment_314372 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314372#Comment_314372 Wed, 02 Nov 2011 20:23:06 -0700 Corey Waits
A friend’s band was launching their EP at a place that was only licensed for BYO. My girlfriend and I bought two 4-packs of pre-mixed tequila drinks and whilst I found the tequila delicious, my girlfriend wasn’t convinced. I couldn’t let them go to waste, so I proceeded to drink seven of the eight drinks in a period of about two hours.
I was fine and having a great time right up until we hit the street. My first tequila-infused vomit was in the alleyway next to the venue, but I managed to keep it down for the couple of kilometre walk to the train station.
We had about 20 minutes to kill before the train arrived (the last one for the night that would actually get us home), so I spent that time in the disabled toilet vomiting ceaselessly (I’m never one to use a disabled toilet in usual circumstances, but my girlfriend chucked me in there because it was closest to the platform).
When the train arrives my long-suffering girlfriend manages to coax me out of the toilet and on to the train, after dragging me deliberately to the carriage with the bathroom.
Just my luck – there were two train security guards standing right there. I had the plastic bag that the bottle-o had given us the drinks in, so I proceeded to vomit into it while the security guards kept watch – apparently they only care about violence and/or genuinely illegal acts because they left me to it.
It was only then with a bag half-full of spew that I actually noticed the toilet in the carriage, locked myself inside, stuff the bag into the diaper disposal bin and spent the rest of the hour long trip hugging porcelain (well, more likely plastic). ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314475#Comment_314475 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314475#Comment_314475 Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:54:48 -0700 JP Carpenter
Being somewhat impaired, I ask 'where's the train to Winchester' rather than 'what time's the last train to Winchester'. The station chap says 'it's that one mate...' So I get on it, totally forgetting about the gig. The train gets as far as Eastleigh and I have to change. This is when I realise I'm meant to be in Portsmouth. At that point I gave up on the gig and tried to concentrate on getting home. I don't know the town, and am bloody hungry, so I approach a woman with a small child and say 'Excuse me, is there anywhere to get food round here?' I think it probably comes out sounding like 'I'm going to kill and eat you', and with hindsight, a lurching goth monstrosity, all backcombed and in leather is probably a bit intimidating, but I'm incredibly hurt when she pulls the child behind her and says 'don't worry, the horrible man will go away soon'...

I get on the next train and try to find a buffet by walking through. Until I come to a locked door, which is obviously (to a sober person) the front of the train. I'm shoving at the damn thing, and hear laughter - turning round, there's a whole bunch of rail staff in the carriage going 'stupid prick thinks he's the driver'. I get home eventually and tip a kettle of boiling water over my arm and spend the rest of the night on the sofa with a bag of frozen peas taped round it. Joy. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314482#Comment_314482 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314482#Comment_314482 Thu, 03 Nov 2011 16:08:44 -0700 Finagle
If I could have someone *else* follow me around transcribing my activity, it would be a lot more entertaining.

Looking forward to when those Microsoft LIfeCams really *are* recording everyone's activity 24/7, so there's nothing to do but just post the video.

Good job to the rest of you, anyhow. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314502#Comment_314502 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314502#Comment_314502 Thu, 03 Nov 2011 21:01:38 -0700 mister hex
1) While waiting for a bus with my at-the-time girlfriend, must be twenty years back. We're sitting on a bench chatting when a ruddy-faced woman wearing a dirty overcoat and a multi-coloured scarf approached us. She'd been kind of hanging around our periphery, watching us, pacing back and forth. Finally, she gussed up her courage and spake thusly : "Most men keep their shit in their shoes but you wear spats." she told me. She could barely get it out, she was stifling laughter. For some reason.

2) While riding the bus to a different girlfriend's house, about six? seven? years back. This girlfriend lived in what passes for a ghetto in my town - quaint, I'm sure, to Americans and those inured to gunfire but a pretty sketchy neighborhood nonetheless. A "teenager" (he was probably early twenties or so), all hip-hop style and fractured english was having a loud disagreement with an old guy, a hippie type, all granola and compassion club pot kinda guy. Yon punk was lipping off to the poor man, in front of a crowded bus full of appalled riders, each too frightened to DO anything. Punk said something like "I can do whatever I want, y'all" and I shouted "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" (I can shout pretty loud, ask anyone). Punk shouts his name out, proud of his defiance and rebellious attitude. I shout back "You're a dumbass. Now if anything bad happens, you just identified yourself to a crowded bus full of people. We all know your name." Punk promptly shut up, realizing his error a bit too late. Several people around me, including the target of the punk's ire, shot me appreciative glances for making the punk shut up. When I got off the bus, I made sure he and his buddy (who, to be fair, was trying unsuccessfully to get him to shut up) didn't follow me.

3) On June 6, 2004, my then-girlfriend got us tickets to see The Producers. An old man in veteran's dress is on the platform so I shake his hand and thank him for his service. I ask if he was at Normandy and he replies "No, I was in the Pacific, nobody gives a shit about us." The train arrives and we get on. There are no available seats so I say, not shouting but LOUDLY "Surely someone will give up their seat FOR A VETERAN." A couple near us quickly leapt up from their seats but my new friend wasn't having it, quoth he "I'm 83, I'll sit down when I'm a hundred." Then he proceeds to tell me a story that I can't quite hear over the train noises and because he's speaking so softly. (One of the drawbacks of being so LOUD is I'm a lil bit deaf.) It had something to do with him almost being screwed out of his pension. I DID catch the bit where he said "So I got my knife, you know and it was about this long and I went into the office and I said, if these guys don't get their pensions, who knows what'll happen to you." Needless to say, I think he got his pension. At even at 83, he was one of the scariest muthafuckas I ever met.

I have lots of stories about public transit. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314672#Comment_314672 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314672#Comment_314672 Sun, 06 Nov 2011 01:38:57 -0700 flecky SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314751#Comment_314751 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314751#Comment_314751 Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:11:59 -0800 flecky
I use my N.H.S walking stick to devious ends when crippling about London..and it works!I go into spastard mode if a bus is pulling away and put on a false limp,even if my legs are not playing up,and i wave the fooka in the air cursing the driver.Most of the time they stop.
I get on the tube when it is busy and madly shout "Cripple coming through!"..it's like the parting of the red sea sometimes..the fear on the mobs faces is excellent and i have a perverse warm feeling when i do that one.Yeah,i enjoy that one.
Another personal favourite is if all the seats are taken and i have to stand,all sweaty and deranged looking.I have a tendency to sliver through the mass to the disabled seats and lay on the guilt.If any abled bodied bastad is in "my chairs"..be they man,woman,child,beast,frog etc i sometimes glare at them with such intensity and hatred i've seen 'em flinch.I mind rape 'em until they squirm.I do a Professor X job on the ignorant twats until the air is filled with such electric static tension that they lower their heads in shame and involuntary move their bodies to give me my throne.As they creep past me i sneer at 'em with a big warm smile on me fooked mug.Sometimes,as i park my skinny ass in my jewel encrusted atrocity exhibition safe spot,i burst into a fit of hysterical laughter as i glare out the window.

The other week i did something i have a slight pang of guilt about though.There where many seats available on the tube and i was in not give a shit junky white trash mode and i slouched my carcass on a seat.I believe i fell off it a couple of times.Tourists looked at me in disgust.Trendy teens stood back in horror,a look on their faces as if to say i had just raped their mothers.
Anyway the train came to a stop deep under the city for what felt like ages.The carriage was all black and full of despair.Like a lot of people i got a bit of a phobia thing going when that happens,especially after the awful fire at Kings X awhile back,yeah?
After about half an hour i was pretty shaky and kept on uttering pofanities.The silence was defeaning.I looked up with a evil smile on my face and said out loud "This is when we burn and die!"..oh dear!What had i done now.A poor young chick burst into tears and i felt soo guilty.Luckily the tube began to move and she was free to escape my presence at the next stop.I know,what a shithead i am!

I can't wait now to use public transport today.My mind is racing at the prospect of what me and my crap stick can get up to.All i know is that it will be well dodgy. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314753#Comment_314753 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314753#Comment_314753 Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:44:42 -0800 Purple Wyrm er twin.

Many years ago I used to catch the train to and from high school. There were a bunch of us kids who used to hang out on the train - we'd never even talk to each other at the school, but we clustered together on public transport as a kind of mutual defence. I was (and remain to this day) a terrible geek, but a couple of the guys from the train gang were more at the tough-guy end of the spectrum, including one by the name of Meggsy.

On one particular day someone had bought a joke can of peanuts to school. It looked like a can of peanuts, it felt and rattled like one, but when you popped off the lid an erect and very lifelike rubber penis leapt out at you. Meggsy was playing around with this novelty on the train, and figured out that it was pretty easy to dissemble the can - ending up with a spring, some bits of plastic, and the rubber phallus, which had a very large flange at the bottom to hold it in the can...

What happened next should be obvious. Without warning Meggsy unzipped his fly, inserted the phallus, zipped up enough to hold it in place and proceeded to run up and down the entire length of the train whooping, hollering and waving his new appendage at the rest of the horrified passengers.

Then he returned to our little group, removed the phallus from his pants and carefully reassembled the can.

There was apparently never any consequence for this action. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314806#Comment_314806 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=314806#Comment_314806 Mon, 07 Nov 2011 11:24:02 -0800 sellmeyoursoul SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315280#Comment_315280 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315280#Comment_315280 Fri, 11 Nov 2011 12:24:03 -0800 oldhat

]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315345#Comment_315345 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315345#Comment_315345 Sat, 12 Nov 2011 10:50:22 -0800 Fishelle
Once, on the stop just before I got off the bus, a man in a wheelchair got on the bus. I was running late, and considered just getting off there instead of waiting for him to be secure, because those two stops are very close to each other. Then I heard the man speak, and wanted to stay on the bus with him rather than go to class. He sounded just like a character in Cooper's dream, like he was speaking backwards but the words were backwards so it was okay because that was the only way to say them and make them understood. It was said clearly enough I didn't need the subtitles, and I remember him saying "I have a map." If he'd said "Where we're from, the birds sing a pretty song, and there's always music in the air," I would have peed myself. The rest of the day was decidedly less surreal. Though I often see people more than once in this city, especially those close enough to my neighborhood or University to ride my usual bus, I've not seen this man since.

While waiting for a train, I sat next to a man having a conversation with a voice in his head named Toby.

A friend of mine had a wonderful, terrifying, and hilarious tale that I'm making a book of, and will probably share with you guys later on. But that's all for now from me, I think. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315346#Comment_315346 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315346#Comment_315346 Sat, 12 Nov 2011 10:57:27 -0800 government spy
"DAMN SHAME!"

"COLD BLOODED!"

"...TOOK ALL MY MONEY!" ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315359#Comment_315359 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315359#Comment_315359 Sat, 12 Nov 2011 14:25:01 -0800 mister hex
Further updates as they become available .... ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315392#Comment_315392 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315392#Comment_315392 Sun, 13 Nov 2011 00:36:09 -0800 D.J. SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315601#Comment_315601 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315601#Comment_315601 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 02:34:00 -0800 Fauxhammer
It was 1993, get off my ass.

Then a friend of mine from a different group got on and joined in, and I was overcome with that perfect singularity of chance and luck.

Ugh, christ, that story sucks. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315604#Comment_315604 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315604#Comment_315604 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 04:07:57 -0800 RobSpalding
The other week I was down the pub and one of the locals started harrassing me for not saying hello to him on the train earlier. Problem was, I'd been at home all day and nowhere near the train. He would accept that explanation, walk off then come back and harrass me for being rude again. All night. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315615#Comment_315615 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315615#Comment_315615 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 07:01:24 -0800 government spy
"SECRET POLICE!!"

"JEWS!!"

"SECRET JEWS!!"

"SECRET JEW POLICE!!"

"POLICE!! SECRET JEWS!!"

And just about every combination of those three words you can imagine. I was in uniform, so I imagine she didn't like me very much, but I do not look in any way Jewish, not that there's anything wrong with looking- oh, I give up. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315644#Comment_315644 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315644#Comment_315644 Tue, 15 Nov 2011 13:07:38 -0800 JP Carpenter

Once had a horrendous train journey, where I was jammed up in the vestibule area of the train with about a million other people. Crammed next to me was a teenage couple, probably no more than 15, who were noisily eating each other's faces for most of the journey. Less than a foot from my head, which was bad enough. But one of them, don't know which, was also repeatedly farting, evil, horrific pit of the stomach farts. With that and the slurping it was very, very hard to retain my composure.

I think I read somewhere that if you put rats at public transport densities they'd kill and eat each other. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315725#Comment_315725 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315725#Comment_315725 Wed, 16 Nov 2011 06:02:47 -0800 Flabyo SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315746#Comment_315746 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315746#Comment_315746 Wed, 16 Nov 2011 08:35:11 -0800 RenThing
Now, I love my university but there's one thing I didn't really realize I disliked until I got there.

Hippies.

UCSC is kind of like Cal in that it has a reputation for hippiedom and so we get a lot of students who live like it's still the Summer of Love. Maybe they're the children of actual hippies, maybe they're just wannabes, but the school is rife with them. This isn't so bad until you get to the rainy season.

Nothing, NOTHING, smells quiet so bad as wet hippie. I mean, they don't smell great to begin with considering that many of them don't bathe and instead substitute hygiene with buckets of patchouli, which doesn't so much as mask the scent of inch-thick body odor as it just layers on another unpleasant smell to their bouquet, but then you mix in water to their infrequently washed, pot smoke-infused clothing and you've got a particular funk that haunts your nostrils for hours.

Normally this wouldn't be such an issue because you could just avoid them except when you're a freshmen and don't know your way around campus. Suddenly, once the rains start, every first year student is thrusting themselves onto the shuttles to avoid the rain and because it's the easiest way to get to where you're going if you don't know the layout of the school yet. I soon discovered what awaits me if there is a hell and it's being stuck in the middle of a shuttlebus packed to the gills with dirty, moist hippies doing laps in a boring parking lot for all of eternity.

The worst thing is their funk, if they touch you, clings like you dipped yourself in the Bog of Eternal Stench. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315778#Comment_315778 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315778#Comment_315778 Wed, 16 Nov 2011 14:10:10 -0800 Vornaskotti
My favorites were the guy who walked back and forth in the bus mid-lane, thrusting his face next to other passengers and trying to pull his own teeth out with his bare hands, and the this old mean looking guy who was hanging on a pole like his life depended on it, actual foam on the corners of his mouth and stuck on his stubble, going "Don't look at me. Don't you fucking look at me. Don't you look at me."

Me and the woman agreed that if she went for a girls night out, there was always enough money to come back by a cab. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315784#Comment_315784 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315784#Comment_315784 Wed, 16 Nov 2011 15:14:08 -0800 trini_naenae SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315794#Comment_315794 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=315794#Comment_315794 Wed, 16 Nov 2011 16:20:28 -0800 RenThing
UCSC student or did you live with a hippy? ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316056#Comment_316056 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316056#Comment_316056 Sat, 19 Nov 2011 02:25:08 -0800 flecky SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316130#Comment_316130 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316130#Comment_316130 Sat, 19 Nov 2011 20:12:48 -0800 trini_naenae SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316133#Comment_316133 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316133#Comment_316133 Sat, 19 Nov 2011 20:46:47 -0800 Fishelle
The man who had been staring at her was masturbating furiously. He had everything out, so there was absolutely no way anyone could mistake it as anything else. While she started to cry, he continued to stare. And fwap.

My friend got off the train as soon as she could. She called her mom, bawling. She told her, after getting off the train, "I just knew I needed to get off. And so did he."

Once she got to her job interview, half an hour late because she had to catch the next train, she told her interviewer what had happened. The woman conducting interviews said she would be willing to do a personal interview since she'd missed the group one. Trying to make the best of the situation, my friend said that would be good, she was better one on one anyway. The interviewer then said that was too bad because they were, "more of a team environment."

It really does sound too ridiculous to be true, but as she so aptly put it, you just can't make this shit up. Also, this is only one of her stories of men masturbating at her on the train. I haven't heard the other in all it's detail, but apparently he was wearing overalls and at least kept the action inside them.

I'm illustrating this tale for my letterpress final. I'll give her a copy of the little book when I'm done, naturally. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316206#Comment_316206 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316206#Comment_316206 Sun, 20 Nov 2011 16:58:36 -0800 flecky SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316238#Comment_316238 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316238#Comment_316238 Sun, 20 Nov 2011 21:27:18 -0800 RenThing SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316244#Comment_316244 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316244#Comment_316244 Sun, 20 Nov 2011 21:56:12 -0800 Greasemonkey SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316650#Comment_316650 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316650#Comment_316650 Thu, 24 Nov 2011 03:31:19 -0800 flecky SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316669#Comment_316669 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316669#Comment_316669 Thu, 24 Nov 2011 13:17:52 -0800 oldhat
..other friends have decided to make use of their high heels. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316708#Comment_316708 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316708#Comment_316708 Thu, 24 Nov 2011 20:02:16 -0800 D.J.
I'm just sayin', you shouldn't always assume the worst in people. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316900#Comment_316900 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316900#Comment_316900 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 03:59:08 -0800 Purple Wyrm
Among the gang who used to hang out on the train home was a guy named Mark. He was the son of an eccentric Anglican minister who constantly embarrassed him while we were at primary school together by turning up out of the blue with snakes and lizards he'd discovered while tending to his bee hives out in the state forest to "show the kids". Given this background, and the fact that he was now attending a staunchly Catholic high school, Mark was bit of a troublemaker.

This came to a head one day on the train home. He'd spent much of the journey muttering and conspiring with Meggsy and another one of the rougher kids, and as the train approached the Guildford level crossing they took up position at the carriage doors.

At this point Perth's railways were still using big, old, silver sided railway carriages pulled by diesel belching monsters dating from the late 60's. In addition to other interesting features - such as seatbacks that could be pulled back and forwards to customise the direction the seats were facing - these carriages had doors that could - if you were strong enough - be pulled open while the train was in motion. As the train roared into the crossing Meggsy and his assistant did just this, and Mark dropped his trousers, stuck his pale white arse out the door and waggled it back and forth at the motorists waiting to cross.

The next day there was quite a dark atmosphere at the school. Apparently some other passengers had recognised Mark's uniform and made a call. I don't know if the incident was ever tracked back to Mark, but we were informed in no uncertain terms that all we train students were being watched :) ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316972#Comment_316972 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316972#Comment_316972 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:30:37 -0800 Labyrinthine
The one I'm going to tell here is a classic tale of Getting Lost As Fuck which is so typical of my life. I was fifteen and it was my first time going somewhere on a train all on my own. Somewhere was my Work Experience placement, at a small TV channel based in Chatswood.

Now, Chatswood Station and surrounds were at that time, unbeknownst to me, undergoing a spot of renovation, by which I mean complete reconstruction. This will explain some but not all of the bizarre instructions that the Sydney Transport route-mapping website gave me. I was meant to catch a bus from the station. The map the website gave me took me on a grand round-trip all the way around said station, and then told me to catch a bus from Dalton Street.

One problem: Dalton Street wasn’t there. The two streets marked to either side of it on the map were there. I walked between them about forty times, but Dalton Street failed to materialise. Instead, there were some warehouses and a parking lot (since demolished to make way for a shopping centre.)

After picking a street going in the right direction at random, asking about ten people for directions, all of whom told me they didn’t live here either, and having a minor nervous breakdown, I called my dad. He looked up Chatswood in an old-fashioned street directory and informed me that absolutely no street called Dalton existed in the suburb at all whatsoever. I was trying to catch a bus from an imaginary street. ]]> SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316973#Comment_316973 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316973#Comment_316973 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 18:36:46 -0800 StefanJ SPINNING YARNS - the Tell Us A Story thread (31st October - 27th November) http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316993#Comment_316993 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10316&Focus=316993#Comment_316993 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 21:48:37 -0800 sebfowler
- I once saw a woman standing in the middle of a moving train carriage, giving herself a haircut.

- A drunk pair of ex-cons on a crowded friday night football train (full of families) were having a touching conversation and one expressed his love of the other by loudly proclaiming "I would kill every cunt on this train for you mate!"

- An alcoholic sitting next to me on a bus in Mongolia tried to steal my wallet. Twice. After being slapped away the first time.

- I was waiting for a tram late one night, sitting in the little shelter at the tram stop. The tram arrives and the doors open right in front of me. Two chromers (paint sniffers) get of and stand right in front of me, blocking my way out of the shelter. They stood there staring into space for at least 10 seconds. I sat perfectly still the entire time, thinking of ways to not get stabbed. Eventually, they simply staggered off, having most likely not even noticed me.

- A couple of guys heading home from a metal gig noticed me drawing and wanted to look at my sketchbook, which I obligingly gave them. They liked what they saw and said I should draw dirty cartoons for men's magazines. Which was nice.

- I once had my butt groped while waiting at a crowded bus station in Jakarta. It was too crowded for me to do anything about it and the hand just kind of rested there for several minutes. I think it was an old lady, but couldn't turn my head far enough to be sure. Most prolonged and awkward butt groping ever. ]]>