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  1.  (10332.1)
    Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough Week.

    Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

    I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011
    accidently let some info slip that caused some drama with some friends. Apparently communication with beings I can physically interact with too is a bad thing for me. Seems like anyone I talk to for any length of time goes away in the end. Maybe it's a coincidence, but I think I'm just very bad at being social...
    sucks for me since I'm head of public relations for my business...
    my ex fwb encouraged me to talk to him more, and we see where that got me (with the whole ex part)...
    I held out for a while, hoping that me and my ex could reconcile, but I guess that's not happening. he's got his sights on some other girl now...
    I'm so desperate for some kind of social affection that I listed on craig's list personals...yeah, I'm to that point....but I can't go out to the bars very often because I'm always either too sick, or too broke, or worried about driving my shitty ass truck out...
    So that's landed me a number of chicks wanting to cheat on their husbands, guys posing as girls trying to get nude pics, and a number of girls who want chat buddies and that's about it. Not my deal, not my thing...usually I'm not so desperate for other people...but somethings happened to me. something broken in me...
    all my friends keep telling me that I should just be happy with what I have: a loving husband, kids, a roof over my head etc etc...they think that me searching for this extra affection means I'm not getting what I want out of my marriage. I love my husband more than anything. We spend every day together, working and goofing off together and our fights always end with us closer than we were before.... We've always been like that from the very beginning. I don't know why I feel like I need more. Like i've mentioned before, I'm fucked hubs understands, and we both like to have our fun on the side now and then....i'm very very lucky to have him. I'd be broken and devestated if I ever lost him.
    I wish my friends could understand my longing and emptiness...they all think I'm just greedy and selfish...maybe I am...but I can't help how I feel...

    my fucking left hand is fucking killing me. arthritis has been acting up really badly, and no ammount of thc is gonna fix this pain. the knuckles are all swollen so that instead of a flat plane across the top of my hand, they are being forced into an arch kinda shape by the swelling that really hurts. Elbow sucks too. having trouble sleeping...

    okay...i've got to stop bitching so much...sigh
  2.  (10332.3)
    @Pooka - Sorry to hear about your pain (literal and emotional). It sounds like you know what you're looking for and are just frustrated having to until you can find it. That's understandable. And being broke and in pain, also understandable sources of frustration. If you're husband is on board, you shouldn't have to apologize to anyone for trying to fulfill needs that you have. Hang in there (I wish I had better advice).

    As for me... Things are pretty good. I'll probably fill the vile hugging thread with vomit-inducing goodness.

    My best to all y'all.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011
    @sellmeyoursoul- yep...that's pretty much all that can be said for that. I do know what I want, I'm just having so much trouble finding or hanging on to it.

    I sometimes think I'd be better off just trying to conform my desires to what I can easily achieve and to more mundane pleasures...but, i feel like that's just kind of giving up. i don't want my life to go by without stories to tell and fond memories of people i've known...i'm already 31 and with my health I'm pretty sure I'm around half way done...
    i'd like to have more than a few months of contentment at a time before things fall to hell again and I'm left searching again...
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011
    i'd like to have more than a few months of contentment at a time before things fall to hell again and I'm left searching again...

    I have never even been content in the way your talking about for more than a month or so at a time, and those months spread over years and years.

    I don't think most people have what you are trying to find. That's not meant to sound judgmental, just I think dissatisfaction in this realm is the baseline condition of most people's lives.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011
    My son vomited in my open mouth yesterday.

    Baby forumla doesn't taste great when you make it. It is not improved after aging inside a baby for a few hours.
  3.  (10332.7)
    @RenThing - Isn't parenthood grand? Beforehand, if someone sat on my lap and urinated out of spite I would have lost my shite. When my daughter did it a couple of months ago, I almost died trying not to laugh (since I was supposed to be encouraging good behavior and not urine based warfare).
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011

    Yeah. I thought I was safe since he'd eaten hours before but I guess not. Sad thing is I thought he was leaning forward to nom on my cheek (something he's been doing when he's in a good mood, his version of snuggling). Shows what I know.

    Kid's 7 for 12 in attempts to pee on me. I think I would've rather had him be 8 for 12 than getting a mouthful of his vomig. At least he's never peed in my mouth.
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011
    It's not a good look for a heavily bearded drug dealer to be in tears while at work , so I'm thankful I've had no customers in the coffeeshop for the past half hour while I try and get my shit together.
    I've just had a very emotional meeting with my flatmate telling him he's got to leave as soon as possible.
    He and my girlfriend have always had quite an antagonistic relationship and I've often had to mediate to calm down what I always see as pointless arguments.
    On friday while I was working , another of these essentially silly bouts of house mate bickering escalated to the point of verbal abuse being exchanged, which pretty much means end of story for his time as a flatmate.
    I hadn't seen him over the weekend as he was out celebrating his birthday and so it was no fun having to tell him to get out rather than wishing him a happy birthday
    Now here is where I sometimes feel cursed with an ability to see both points of view. Sure enough I'm never gonna put up with anyone being abusive towards my girlfriend but I can see that the situation would probably never have escalated if my girl wasn't so quick to lose her temper. Of course I can't seem to express this without sounding like I'm blaming her for causing the situation which just makes shit worse. A grain of truth does not make a pearl of righteousness.
    It's frustrating that I can see validity in all the opinions being thrown at me by emotionally involved parties and can also see the only possible path for me to take, yet still it fills me with sadness.
    the naivety of 'why can't we all just get along?'
    My flatmate has, to put it kindly, some issues with alcohol which meant it was never going to be easy sharing a place with him and I was always aware of the possibility of things ending badly. At the time when he moved in I had just had my homegrow operation busted by the dutch police (full discussion of the ironies of that would take too long and is anyway a separate rant) and I was kind of desperate for the spare room to be put to some use while I tried to get out of the financial hole getting busted creates(surprise: lawyers are expensive) and while his moving in wasn't the ideal solution, it was a solution at a time when there was a long list of problems to be dealt with.
    watching this situation fuck up over the course of a weekend I'm reminded of many other incidences in this friends' life where similar patterns of self destructive behaviour have occurred and i'm really worried that this will be the start of another descent into chaos for him. I really want to point him towards the dutch rehab services which have a good record of dealing with similar patterns of chaotic substance abuse but if there is anything more hypocritical than the Amsterdam Intervention I'm not sure what it is.
    Anyway, I find it very helpful to have this space to rant so thanks for being here Whitechapellers.
  4.  (10332.10)
    @nelzbub - Irony or no, if your friend needs help and you want to get involved, point him to the path. If he doesn't want to take it, that's his choice.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011
    @oddbill yeah, I know I know...i'm being greedy. I know I'm spoiled rotten for the most part...
    but I can't help but want to strive for happiness and contentment. I'm a messed up chick. I admit that. I am terribly broken inside from past abuse and psychological trauma. I'm working on that...but in the mean time, there's a few things I still need to feel....okay not hermit myself away in isolated depression.
    Maybe it's kind of an addiction of it's own...affection can be addictive yes?
    eh...that's some crazy stuff I just don't know if I want to get in to...
  5.  (10332.12)
    So I started a new job, which is great, good, yes. What's turned out to be an issue is that the travel ticket loan that will pay for several hundred pounds of London->Guildford commuting is only available iff I pass probation in three months. Till then I have to tough it out, but I spent all the money moving house and when I got an overdraft extension it filled up with a bunch of debits I didn't even know were due. The three weeks till payday are going to get interesting.
    Also feel slightly off at work - I was asked to a write a description of myself that would be sent round to introduce me to everyone, which I gave to my TD. He gave it back with my taste in video games highlighted in red and a suggestion that I might like to make them a bit more "mainstream" because while he doesn't want to censor me, I might be judged and first impressions are so important. I'm not sure what to make of it, it feels kind of Stepfordesque.
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011

    Um, look, I'm not even going to pretend that I can relate to your situation, but by the sounds of things, it seems that you consider a lot of your happiness to come from other people. As a suggestion, it might be a good idea to make attempts to be happy with yourself and your current situation before bringing on additional people in the mix? That way if a person leaves you don't have to feel that desperation for affection anymore. At least not as intensely as you seem to be feeling. I had to do that a while ago and it proved to be significantly better than going from affectionate lifeboat person to affectionate lifeboat person.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011 edited
    @:All.Will read your shit in a bit.I always read your shit.I find it takes the edge of the stink of reality..

    It's almost in Shepherds Bush.All is quiet.I did a bit of housework earlier which is quite a big deal for me as me gaff is quite ok yet my mental illness was starting to manifest in the forms of roll up butts,unread comics,books,NA literature,step work,fag ash,remote controls,pads of my writting,broken lighters,unfinished crap artwork,unplayed XBox games,a rotten stinkin' old t shirt used for blowing me nose on and for mopping up other fluidic discharges,plastic bags etc.It was like a organic detoxin piece of work.I should have selt it to the tate modern.

    DETOX UPDATE: Probably a short handover as i am a bit sick.I'm feeling some sleepers coming on so if go sort of go like thhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssss it means the obvious.I've had a awful day. Had a massive row with the missus and if there had been any gear in me mansion i swear i prob would have broke and used the stuff.Which aint good,is it?!Yet now i got my perspective back and am just so glad there was nowt around.So yet another learning experience.

    It's fookin' freezin' in me bedroom..I just had to put central heating on for a quick blast.I reckon we got another cold one coming on.

    May put in a few hours of voluntary work today.Yet there is a guy whose ego reeks of poo.I swear i want the damaged fooka to fall over and die..

    So,apart from the reek of dead bodies in my vault,everything is ok....ish!!
    • CommentTimeNov 7th 2011
    Dunno about the week past. The week past was insane but I have tendency to forget the immediacy of things once I can get a few hours between me & them. Unless they're huge fuckin things - car crashes and romantic bust ups, etc - so my sister getting married, and a big Japanese test and taking care of my niece and financial fuckups and important conversations and Halloween are all over there. Recent enough to remember in detail, but not so's I need to bring in a bunch of emotion to report. it It happened. It was good and complicated and nerve wracking and fun and inconvenient and aggravating and weird.

    But today was kinda funny. I finally got around to doing my tally of Shit I did or Tried to Do in October and I feel like I got so little done I nearly pitched myself into a big ole bag of self-hate. That same old annoying mantra - "I hate myself. I want to kill myself. Fuck me. I fucking suck...etc." It was all back. But not loud. Just that same stupid boring ass record that gets turned on when think I've messed up. When something is broken in my day and I can't figure out how to fix it. I just fixate and drive myself to distraction with my irritation. I hate admitting it because people sometimes go overboard when I note things like that even though I know it is just a broken record somewhere, like the suicidal ideation - for me, I rarely mean it. Ideation isn't meaning it. Shit sometimes it's an escape, like a daydream about hot's just drama where all the material and situations and scenes and characters are stock in my head so I don't have to create new ones. At the same time that I'm feeling upset and pissed at myself I'm also standing back, in the corner of my mind, arms crossed, toe tapping with impatience and just tsking myself. Because I have zero intention of doing something to myself. It's language that came from the once-in-long-extreme-while that I do mean something like it; thoughts running along grooves carved a long time ago. Annoying, but I know it doesn't mean shit right now.

    And then I went to Japanese class and my classmates are stuck and frustrated about the same stuff and during the break a big chunk of us went out to smoke and took our time getting back and we bitched about class and the damn cold and I felt a hell of a lot better.

    Because I didn't get a ton of the shit I wanted to do in October done, but I did get a lot of shit done (just for other people, or busywork that had to get crossed off, one way or the other). And I feel bad about any time I've wasted - and I've wasted a lot - but I'm in the process of getting disciplined and that takes incorporating the idea that I'm not going to wake up a perfectly disciplined person tomorrow. I want to be though. I really mean the things I tell The Universe. My family needs me and I want to be there for them, instead of as a weight hanging around sucking off their generosity. I need to get up and help. I won't be the superhero overnight, but I have try every day.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 8th 2011
    @oldhat yeah...i know...I realize that, but it's so hard to focus on myself when this crippling loneliness keeps rearing it's ugly head. Maybe it's hormonal, maybe I'm just crazy and there's no reason for me to feel this way, but it's still there, and I can't seem to figure out how to make it go away.
    which is why I'm desperately trying to get my art and music show idea going, so I'll have a project or...something....anything to make me feel productive and useful. Right now, other than reapplying for disability, that's about all I can do to improve my life.
    I'm a social creature though, and I'm never satisfied with a project unless I get someone else involved. So I keep ending up starting something with someone, then they decide to quit mid planning, so, more frustration. I swear there's been about a dozen different ideas people have brought to me, or I've discussed with others that got me all excited to be part of something, then it just kind of gets dropped and forgotten. I know everyone else is busy, but it's kinda mean to get my hopes up then leave me hanging.
    I guess a lot of my angst comes from only having been in this new city for about a year. My lifes been a rollercoaster of financial instability and social upheaval. I'm a clan/pack type creature. I feel most happy when I have a close knit group of friends around me. I've been trying to find that again, but the fellow I put all my time and effort into, who I thought was the perfect friend and companion, who I thought was going to introduce me to other like minded, awesome people, ended up leaving, due to a lot of crap i can't get into. the backlash of that really hurts I guess...a lot of it comes down to him leaving. i cared about him a lot and thought i had found a best friend, but that's all fell to shit.
    bleh...i think i'm better off keeping shit to myself...
    i sound like such a whiney bitch.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 8th 2011 edited
    I've been awake now for a while from some much needed healing sleep.I woke drenched in sweat yet it felt ok as i guess it is just my body flushing out the methadone.I had a couple of dreams yet nothing on the foul intensity of some i've had over this past year.

    There really is something to be said about writing down your dreams on paper as soon as you wake.Yesterday i was reading one from ages ago.At first it just seemed like so much random dementia yet as i plodded on it all came back to me..the surreal dreamscape,the people involved,the scenarios,the utter madness etc.I find it is a excellent form of therapy.

    @razrangel:I believe you knocked the proverbial nail on the head with your thoughts around suicide.I am always telling my few good mates,girlfriend,shrink etc that "My life is fooking shit.I wish i was dead!"It is usually said with a wry smile on my face as i am just voicing what my head is telling me.I don't care how i come across,be it whiny or insane.They seem to be on the same wavelength as me and hopefully they don't seem to judge me.

    They had better not or else i will introduce them to a world of utter perversion.I'm living life on a playing field of madness that would make joe public vomit and gouge his eyes out screaming "Nooooo!!"Get me a specimen of the street,hook him up to my head like in that film Brainstorm and i tell you they would have the shitty pants!If i could inject the fookaZ with some primo acid too then that would make it even more fun.I would grab them by the hair with my goat mask on..naked,of course..and kick them into my dungeon.As they'd look around in sheer torment at my previous works hanging from my poles i would tower over them..wanking,of course..and then i would point at my latest victims and cackle "That's you that is!"Next i would release my horny little sex dwarves from their little enclosure and tell them to dance around test subject number 58..

    Bloody hell...just seen the time.I got to go to vol work.See you in the not to distant future o Whitechapel!!
  6.  (10332.18)
    this week, so far - urgh/meh.

    Office is in the path of the anti-cuts demo tomorrow, all the security people are in full mallninja mode and preparing for armageddon. I'm slightly baffled as to why we're so terrified of the students, given that it's the police that have the track record of killing bystanders...
    • CommentAuthorleewelton
    • CommentTimeNov 8th 2011 edited
    Today I'm pissed off I still don't have a Back To The Future style hover board and the only things that are vaguely robot like in everyday life are those crappy self service check out machines.
  7.  (10332.20)
    So staying "sober" lasted all of 5 days. My wife couldn't handle it. I don't really know how to take that.
    Launched Critical Table last week and I think it's doing okay. I have wrangled up 4 writers to do weekly columns and other stuff so hopefully I can make this into a real thing. Analytics are pretty promising for a site that just launched a few days ago.
    Now to get the free games and comics!

    Somehow the VA dept of taxation owed me $72 so I've got a check in the mail! That's nice, considering how broke we are this month.