2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/ Lussumo Vanilla & Feed Publisher http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314763#Comment_314763 2011-11-07T04:05:45-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223

Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough ...

Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314770#Comment_314770 2011-11-07T06:02:17-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216

accidently let some info slip that caused some drama with some friends. Apparently communication with beings I can physically interact with too is a bad thing for me. Seems like anyone I talk to ...

sucks for me since I'm head of public relations for my business...
my ex fwb encouraged me to talk to him more, and we see where that got me (with the whole ex part)...
I held out for a while, hoping that me and my ex could reconcile, but I guess that's not happening. he's got his sights on some other girl now...
I'm so desperate for some kind of social affection that I listed on craig's list personals...yeah, I'm to that point....but I can't go out to the bars very often because I'm always either too sick, or too broke, or worried about driving my shitty ass truck out...
So that's landed me a number of chicks wanting to cheat on their husbands, guys posing as girls trying to get nude pics, and a number of girls who want chat buddies and that's about it. Not my deal, not my thing...usually I'm not so desperate for other people...but somethings happened to me. something broken in me...
all my friends keep telling me that I should just be happy with what I have: a loving husband, kids, a roof over my head etc etc...they think that me searching for this extra affection means I'm not getting what I want out of my marriage. I love my husband more than anything. We spend every day together, working and goofing off together and our fights always end with us closer than we were before.... We've always been like that from the very beginning. I don't know why I feel like I need more. Like i've mentioned before, I'm fucked up...my hubs understands, and we both like to have our fun on the side now and then....i'm very very lucky to have him. I'd be broken and devestated if I ever lost him.
I wish my friends could understand my longing and emptiness...they all think I'm just greedy and selfish...maybe I am...but I can't help how I feel...


my fucking left hand is fucking killing me. arthritis has been acting up really badly, and no ammount of thc is gonna fix this pain. the knuckles are all swollen so that instead of a flat plane across the top of my hand, they are being forced into an arch kinda shape by the swelling that really hurts. Elbow sucks too. having trouble sleeping...

okay...i've got to stop bitching so much...sigh]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314786#Comment_314786 2011-11-07T08:18:15-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 sellmeyoursoul http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=9518

@Pooka - Sorry to hear about your pain (literal and emotional). It sounds like you know what you're looking for and are just frustrated having to until you can find it. That's understandable. And ...

As for me... Things are pretty good. I'll probably fill the vile hugging thread with vomit-inducing goodness.

My best to all y'all.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314791#Comment_314791 2011-11-07T09:06:47-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216

@sellmeyoursoul- yep...that's pretty much all that can be said for that. I do know what I want, I'm just having so much trouble finding or hanging on to it. I sometimes think I'd be better off ...

I sometimes think I'd be better off just trying to conform my desires to what I can easily achieve and to more mundane pleasures...but, i feel like that's just kind of giving up. i don't want my life to go by without stories to tell and fond memories of people i've known...i'm already 31 and with my health I'm pretty sure I'm around half way done...
i'd like to have more than a few months of contentment at a time before things fall to hell again and I'm left searching again...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314795#Comment_314795 2011-11-07T09:56:54-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 oddbill http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4272

i'd like to have more than a few months of contentment at a time before things fall to hell again and I'm left searching again... I have never even been content in the way your talking about for ...

i'd like to have more than a few months of contentment at a time before things fall to hell again and I'm left searching again...

I have never even been content in the way your talking about for more than a month or so at a time, and those months spread over years and years.

I don't think most people have what you are trying to find. That's not meant to sound judgmental, just I think dissatisfaction in this realm is the baseline condition of most people's lives.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314796#Comment_314796 2011-11-07T10:08:59-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 RenThing http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=155

My son vomited in my open mouth yesterday. Baby forumla doesn't taste great when you make it. It is not improved after aging inside a baby for a few hours.

Baby forumla doesn't taste great when you make it. It is not improved after aging inside a baby for a few hours.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314798#Comment_314798 2011-11-07T10:14:14-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 sellmeyoursoul http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=9518

@RenThing - Isn't parenthood grand? Beforehand, if someone sat on my lap and urinated out of spite I would have lost my shite. When my daughter did it a couple of months ago, I almost died trying not ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314799#Comment_314799 2011-11-07T10:17:14-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 RenThing http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=155

@sellmeyoursoul Yeah. I thought I was safe since he'd eaten hours before but I guess not. Sad thing is I thought he was leaning forward to nom on my cheek (something he's been doing when he's in a ...

Yeah. I thought I was safe since he'd eaten hours before but I guess not. Sad thing is I thought he was leaning forward to nom on my cheek (something he's been doing when he's in a good mood, his version of snuggling). Shows what I know.

Kid's 7 for 12 in attempts to pee on me. I think I would've rather had him be 8 for 12 than getting a mouthful of his vomig. At least he's never peed in my mouth.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314817#Comment_314817 2011-11-07T12:26:29-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 nelzbub http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10569

Fucksticks! It's not a good look for a heavily bearded drug dealer to be in tears while at work , so I'm thankful I've had no customers in the coffeeshop for the past half hour while I try and get ...

It's not a good look for a heavily bearded drug dealer to be in tears while at work , so I'm thankful I've had no customers in the coffeeshop for the past half hour while I try and get my shit together.
I've just had a very emotional meeting with my flatmate telling him he's got to leave as soon as possible.
He and my girlfriend have always had quite an antagonistic relationship and I've often had to mediate to calm down what I always see as pointless arguments.
On friday while I was working , another of these essentially silly bouts of house mate bickering escalated to the point of verbal abuse being exchanged, which pretty much means end of story for his time as a flatmate.
I hadn't seen him over the weekend as he was out celebrating his birthday and so it was no fun having to tell him to get out rather than wishing him a happy birthday
Now here is where I sometimes feel cursed with an ability to see both points of view. Sure enough I'm never gonna put up with anyone being abusive towards my girlfriend but I can see that the situation would probably never have escalated if my girl wasn't so quick to lose her temper. Of course I can't seem to express this without sounding like I'm blaming her for causing the situation which just makes shit worse. A grain of truth does not make a pearl of righteousness.
It's frustrating that I can see validity in all the opinions being thrown at me by emotionally involved parties and can also see the only possible path for me to take, yet still it fills me with sadness.
the naivety of 'why can't we all just get along?'
My flatmate has, to put it kindly, some issues with alcohol which meant it was never going to be easy sharing a place with him and I was always aware of the possibility of things ending badly. At the time when he moved in I had just had my homegrow operation busted by the dutch police (full discussion of the ironies of that would take too long and is anyway a separate rant) and I was kind of desperate for the spare room to be put to some use while I tried to get out of the financial hole getting busted creates(surprise: lawyers are expensive) and while his moving in wasn't the ideal solution, it was a solution at a time when there was a long list of problems to be dealt with.
watching this situation fuck up over the course of a weekend I'm reminded of many other incidences in this friends' life where similar patterns of self destructive behaviour have occurred and i'm really worried that this will be the start of another descent into chaos for him. I really want to point him towards the dutch rehab services which have a good record of dealing with similar patterns of chaotic substance abuse but if there is anything more hypocritical than the Amsterdam Intervention I'm not sure what it is.
Anyway, I find it very helpful to have this space to rant so thanks for being here Whitechapellers.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314830#Comment_314830 2011-11-07T14:08:03-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 sellmeyoursoul http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=9518

@nelzbub - Irony or no, if your friend needs help and you want to get involved, point him to the path. If he doesn't want to take it, that's his choice.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314835#Comment_314835 2011-11-07T14:28:19-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216

@oddbill yeah, I know I know...i'm being greedy. I know I'm spoiled rotten for the most part... but I can't help but want to strive for happiness and contentment. I'm a messed up chick. I admit ...

but I can't help but want to strive for happiness and contentment. I'm a messed up chick. I admit that. I am terribly broken inside from past abuse and psychological trauma. I'm working on that...but in the mean time, there's a few things I still need to feel....okay enough...to not hermit myself away in isolated depression.
Maybe it's kind of an addiction of it's own...affection can be addictive yes?
eh...that's some crazy stuff I just don't know if I want to get in to...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314837#Comment_314837 2011-11-07T14:59:24-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Ben Klumaster http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2723

So I started a new job, which is great, good, yes. What's turned out to be an issue is that the travel ticket loan that will pay for several hundred pounds of London->Guildford commuting is only ...

Guildford commuting is only available iff I pass probation in three months. Till then I have to tough it out, but I spent all the money moving house and when I got an overdraft extension it filled up with a bunch of debits I didn't even know were due. The three weeks till payday are going to get interesting.
Also feel slightly off at work - I was asked to a write a description of myself that would be sent round to introduce me to everyone, which I gave to my TD. He gave it back with my taste in video games highlighted in red and a suggestion that I might like to make them a bit more "mainstream" because while he doesn't want to censor me, I might be judged and first impressions are so important. I'm not sure what to make of it, it feels kind of Stepfordesque.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314861#Comment_314861 2011-11-07T17:27:56-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75

@Pooka, Um, look, I'm not even going to pretend that I can relate to your situation, but by the sounds of things, it seems that you consider a lot of your happiness to come from other people. As ...

Um, look, I'm not even going to pretend that I can relate to your situation, but by the sounds of things, it seems that you consider a lot of your happiness to come from other people. As a suggestion, it might be a good idea to make attempts to be happy with yourself and your current situation before bringing on additional people in the mix? That way if a person leaves you don't have to feel that desperation for affection anymore. At least not as intensely as you seem to be feeling. I had to do that a while ago and it proved to be significantly better than going from affectionate lifeboat person to affectionate lifeboat person.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314881#Comment_314881 2011-11-07T20:47:58-08:00 2011-11-08T00:04:02-08:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

@:All.Will read your shit in a bit.I always read your shit.I find it takes the edge of the stink of reality.. It's almost 4.am in Shepherds Bush.All is quiet.I did a bit of housework earlier which ...

It's almost 4.am in Shepherds Bush.All is quiet.I did a bit of housework earlier which is quite a big deal for me as me gaff is quite ok yet my mental illness was starting to manifest in the forms of roll up butts,unread comics,books,NA literature,step work,fag ash,remote controls,pads of my writting,broken lighters,unfinished crap artwork,unplayed XBox games,a rotten stinkin' old t shirt used for blowing me nose on and for mopping up other fluidic discharges,plastic bags etc.It was like a organic detoxin piece of work.I should have selt it to the tate modern.

DETOX UPDATE: Probably a short handover as i am a bit sick.I'm feeling some sleepers coming on so if go sort of go like thhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssss it means the obvious.I've had a awful day. Had a massive row with the missus and if there had been any gear in me mansion i swear i prob would have broke and used the stuff.Which aint good,is it?!Yet now i got my perspective back and am just so glad there was nowt around.So yet another learning experience.

It's fookin' freezin' in me bedroom..I just had to put central heating on for a quick blast.I reckon we got another cold one coming on.

May put in a few hours of voluntary work today.Yet there is a guy whose ego reeks of poo.I swear i want the damaged fooka to fall over and die..

So,apart from the reek of dead bodies in my vault,everything is ok....ish!!]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314890#Comment_314890 2011-11-07T23:38:01-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 razrangel http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075

Dunno about the week past. The week past was insane but I have tendency to forget the immediacy of things once I can get a few hours between me & them. Unless they're huge fuckin things - car ...

But today was kinda funny. I finally got around to doing my tally of Shit I did or Tried to Do in October and I feel like I got so little done I nearly pitched myself into a big ole bag of self-hate. That same old annoying mantra - "I hate myself. I want to kill myself. Fuck me. I fucking suck...etc." It was all back. But not loud. Just that same stupid boring ass record that gets turned on when think I've messed up. When something is broken in my day and I can't figure out how to fix it. I just fixate and drive myself to distraction with my irritation. I hate admitting it because people sometimes go overboard when I note things like that even though I know it is just a broken record somewhere, like the suicidal ideation - for me, I rarely mean it. Ideation isn't meaning it. Shit sometimes it's an escape, like a daydream about hot sex...it's just drama where all the material and situations and scenes and characters are stock in my head so I don't have to create new ones. At the same time that I'm feeling upset and pissed at myself I'm also standing back, in the corner of my mind, arms crossed, toe tapping with impatience and just tsking myself. Because I have zero intention of doing something to myself. It's language that came from the once-in-long-extreme-while that I do mean something like it; thoughts running along grooves carved a long time ago. Annoying, but I know it doesn't mean shit right now.

And then I went to Japanese class and my classmates are stuck and frustrated about the same stuff and during the break a big chunk of us went out to smoke and took our time getting back and we bitched about class and the damn cold and I felt a hell of a lot better.

Because I didn't get a ton of the shit I wanted to do in October done, but I did get a lot of shit done (just for other people, or busywork that had to get crossed off, one way or the other). And I feel bad about any time I've wasted - and I've wasted a lot - but I'm in the process of getting disciplined and that takes incorporating the idea that I'm not going to wake up a perfectly disciplined person tomorrow. I want to be though. I really mean the things I tell The Universe. My family needs me and I want to be there for them, instead of as a weight hanging around sucking off their generosity. I need to get up and help. I won't be the superhero overnight, but I have try every day.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314894#Comment_314894 2011-11-08T01:34:40-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216

@oldhat yeah...i know...I realize that, but it's so hard to focus on myself when this crippling loneliness keeps rearing it's ugly head. Maybe it's hormonal, maybe I'm just crazy and there's no ...

which is why I'm desperately trying to get my art and music show idea going, so I'll have a project or...something....anything to make me feel productive and useful. Right now, other than reapplying for disability, that's about all I can do to improve my life.
I'm a social creature though, and I'm never satisfied with a project unless I get someone else involved. So I keep ending up starting something with someone, then they decide to quit mid planning, so, more frustration. I swear there's been about a dozen different ideas people have brought to me, or I've discussed with others that got me all excited to be part of something, then it just kind of gets dropped and forgotten. I know everyone else is busy, but it's kinda mean to get my hopes up then leave me hanging.
I guess a lot of my angst comes from only having been in this new city for about a year. My lifes been a rollercoaster of financial instability and social upheaval. I'm a clan/pack type creature. I feel most happy when I have a close knit group of friends around me. I've been trying to find that again, but the fellow I put all my time and effort into, who I thought was the perfect friend and companion, who I thought was going to introduce me to other like minded, awesome people, ended up leaving, due to a lot of crap i can't get into. the backlash of that really hurts I guess...a lot of it comes down to him leaving. i cared about him a lot and thought i had found a best friend, but that's all fell to shit.
bleh...i think i'm better off keeping shit to myself...
i sound like such a whiney bitch.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314897#Comment_314897 2011-11-08T02:30:04-08:00 2011-11-10T21:09:16-08:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

I've been awake now for a while from some much needed healing sleep.I woke drenched in sweat yet it felt ok as i guess it is just my body flushing out the methadone.I had a couple of dreams yet ...

There really is something to be said about writing down your dreams on paper as soon as you wake.Yesterday i was reading one from ages ago.At first it just seemed like so much random dementia yet as i plodded on it all came back to me..the surreal dreamscape,the people involved,the scenarios,the utter madness etc.I find it is a excellent form of therapy.

@razrangel:I believe you knocked the proverbial nail on the head with your thoughts around suicide.I am always telling my few good mates,girlfriend,shrink etc that "My life is fooking shit.I wish i was dead!"It is usually said with a wry smile on my face as i am just voicing what my head is telling me.I don't care how i come across,be it whiny or insane.They seem to be on the same wavelength as me and hopefully they don't seem to judge me.

They had better not or else i will introduce them to a world of utter perversion.I'm living life on a playing field of madness that would make joe public vomit and gouge his eyes out screaming "Nooooo!!"Get me a specimen of the street,hook him up to my head like in that film Brainstorm and i tell you they would have the shitty pants!If i could inject the fookaZ with some primo acid too then that would make it even more fun.I would grab them by the hair with my goat mask on..naked,of course..and kick them into my dungeon.As they'd look around in sheer torment at my previous works hanging from my poles i would tower over them..wanking,of course..and then i would point at my latest victims and cackle "That's you that is!"Next i would release my horny little sex dwarves from their little enclosure and tell them to dance around test subject number 58..

Bloody hell...just seen the time.I got to go to vol work.See you in the not to distant future o Whitechapel!!]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314941#Comment_314941 2011-11-08T13:52:52-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 JP Carpenter http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2485

this week, so far - urgh/meh. Office is in the path of the anti-cuts demo tomorrow, all the security people are in full mallninja mode and preparing for armageddon. I'm slightly baffled as to why ...

Office is in the path of the anti-cuts demo tomorrow, all the security people are in full mallninja mode and preparing for armageddon. I'm slightly baffled as to why we're so terrified of the students, given that it's the police that have the track record of killing bystanders...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314953#Comment_314953 2011-11-08T15:40:25-08:00 2011-11-08T15:40:56-08:00 leewelton http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10638

Today I'm pissed off I still don't have a Back To The Future style hover board and the only things that are vaguely robot like in everyday life are those crappy self service check out machines.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314963#Comment_314963 2011-11-08T16:21:30-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 RandomEntity http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2849

So staying "sober" lasted all of 5 days. My wife couldn't handle it. I don't really know how to take that. Launched Critical Table last week and I think it's doing okay. I have wrangled ...

Launched Critical Table last week and I think it's doing okay. I have wrangled up 4 writers to do weekly columns and other stuff so hopefully I can make this into a real thing. Analytics are pretty promising for a site that just launched a few days ago.
Now to get the free games and comics!

Somehow the VA dept of taxation owed me $72 so I've got a check in the mail! That's nice, considering how broke we are this month.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314989#Comment_314989 2011-11-08T21:26:12-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 glukkake http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1693

@Pooka never conform, never give up, especially when it means your own happiness. I ended a 7 year long relationship that was headed for marriage and mortgages and puppy dogs because when it came ...

And you're not being a whiny bitch, but do make sure that you're taking care. I've had those issues where I seem to always alienate people and one thing I sometimes saw myself doing was saying how I was so lonely to people who WERE RIGHT THERE. Saying that over and over was a fantastic way to push away the people in my life who felt (quite rightly) that their presence wasn't important because all I could do was complain about how I needed other people around. You seem to be quite interested in pulling people towards yourself, so make sure that you're not under appreciating those who are there, even if they're not there 100% of the time.


For my spleen venting, I'm angry at a friend. Which is terrible, because I rather liked them for collaborating and good times and whatnot, but I honestly don't know if it's worth repairing. But I want to fix it because I like happy fun times! But it might just result in being let down again and again and coming back to square one. I need to find better ways to spend my time than thinking about it.

Also, fuck you daylights savings time and robbing me of precious sunlight.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=314992#Comment_314992 2011-11-08T21:51:18-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Fishelle http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8854

I seem to be having the same problems as Glukkake right now. Darn friends and daylight savings. Would help if I didn't need light to do my photography homework. Also lonely. The sister I live with ...

Also lonely. The sister I live with went to visit my parents for the night, leaving me home alone, where I've just been sulking.

In happier news, I talked to an adviser about school stuff today. The magic class that covered 2 things I needed is only available for Art History majors, but there's a different magic class that covers 2 things. And if I can take a test to prove I know how to safely run a table-saw and whatnot, then I don't have to take another class. This puts me on track to graduate in spring of next year, with no summer classes or anything.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315014#Comment_315014 2011-11-09T07:28:25-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216

@glukkake thankyou...your right... I'm pretty sure I"ve already crossed the ground from "annoyingly clingy and needy" to "shut the fuck up bitch, we're tired of hearing it" ...

I'm pretty sure I"ve already crossed the ground from "annoyingly clingy and needy" to "shut the fuck up bitch, we're tired of hearing it" on facebook...
I quit for a while...bitching about loneliness from my bed is not going to help me and the few aquaintances I've made here have stopped talking to me.
my marriage isn't even part of the equation here...I know that no man would ever be as devoted and caring and loving as my husband. We've spend every day together, and we turn into sulky messes anytime we have to be apart for more than a day. He comforts me when I cry about not having friends, and then he made me realize that I have a best friend here, a loyal and wonderful friend in his adopted brother. He's the one person I know in town that I knew before I moved here, and he's the best guy around, really...just the best. Sweet, caring and loyal to a fault. I'm so lucky to have my husband and brother in law bur he can't come by very often because he works so much...
Most people would assume I'm having relationship problems with my husband. a girl as lonely as me couldn't possibly have a happy marriage...but I do, I really do. It's a completely different type of longing and lonliness, and it's hard for me to describe how I feel and why to people...I'm sure it's born from all sorts of different reasons, including my desperation and frustration with my own physical failings, and my feelings of inadequacy and ugliness born of my disease.


I decided to try to go out with a new female friend of mine. We've tried hanging out a few times but shit kept coming up. We recently discovered Lexington's gay bar, so we figured we'd give it a try. She's bi and married too, but we don't really click beyond friendship, and she's moving in the spring so...bleh.
I think that a lot of my problem is that I'm getting that emotional itch again. I'm pretty bi...it takes a lot for me to be attracted to a guy...I haven't had a girlfriend or even a close female friend in years. This girl I'm trying to hang out with is the closest thing I've got and I'm looking forward to hanging out with her tomarrow night (if I can get over this horrid virus that's hitting me right now).
I think part of my problem is that all my friends are guys...I need some estrogen in my life lol. There's a big difference on how males treat a married female vs. a single one...but I've never been able to make female friends very well...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315031#Comment_315031 2011-11-09T12:00:46-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216

Oh lovely...just got told by my ex fwb/business partner to fuck off forever... great. just great...breaks my fucking heart it does. I tried so hard with him... but lately I can't even bring up ...

great. just great...breaks my fucking heart it does. I tried so hard with him...
but lately I can't even bring up business concerns without him getting pissed off and saying I'm bothering him or trying to cause drama...
i quit...i just quit.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315073#Comment_315073 2011-11-09T18:29:57-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 allana http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019

You know, generally I don't post in the Vile-Hugging thread, but life's been good lately, so all my Open-Mic-ing has been redirected there... Okay, I just did pan-seared salmon steak in a ...

Okay, I just did pan-seared salmon steak in a lemon/oil/sea salt/caper/garlic marinade, with baby potatoes and asparagus slathered in butter and sour cream. Ohmygodsogood. Half of it's for lunch tomorrow at the new job. First day went well; expectations seem to be low, given the way they've talked about previous seasonal staff, so maybe I'll wow their pants off and get myself something a bit more permanent. Or maybe I and two friends will skip out for England in January. Much scheming is afoot!
People also seem pretty amenable to buying ads in the magazine this month, so maybe that'll get off the ground despite my reduced free time. The EIC is the super-coolest lady ever and we agree on everything all the time, so I'm excited to see how things work out this month. I had a hand in distro last month, as well as doing a proofread, and we're going to change the way layout (and my copyedits) get done, hopefully for the way-better.

Bad news: poison ivy forever. There's a fresh patch on my right hip/buttcheek, and another on my right knee. CAN'T STOP SCRATCHING.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315081#Comment_315081 2011-11-09T21:17:42-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 trini_naenae http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183

@Pooka: I think what you are feeling is the shitty stage of transition (what you go through as a result of moving). Depending on the culture, the contrast between the cultures your moving between, ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315082#Comment_315082 2011-11-09T21:20:32-08:00 2011-11-09T21:20:48-08:00 trini_naenae http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=183

@allana: If you can, get to a doctor pronto. That happens to my mom (a lot, our beach has poison ivy) and she ends up having to go to the doctor like once a year. I've heard that you can also get a ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315083#Comment_315083 2011-11-09T21:26:41-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 oddbill http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4272

Or stop making out with Batman villains.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315088#Comment_315088 2011-11-09T21:52:31-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

@ oddbill: He He He..

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315106#Comment_315106 2011-11-10T01:41:58-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 rough night http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2694

allana - Don't scratch, it'll just spread. The best solution I know for the itching is to use hot water, as hot as you can stand, on the affected area. That'll shock the nerves sufficiently that ...

I say this because I turn into a hideous monster if poison ivy or its kin look at me funny (how does it always get to my face?), so have done a good bit of research on ways to ease the suffering and prevent it happening next time.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315119#Comment_315119 2011-11-10T05:27:42-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 allana http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019

@Bill, NEVERRRRRR You guys've covered my regimen pretty well. I traded up the oatmeal plasters for calamine, but I'm also scalding myself pretty regularly (although hot water opens up the pores ...

You guys've covered my regimen pretty well. I traded up the oatmeal plasters for calamine, but I'm also scalding myself pretty regularly (although hot water opens up the pores and possibly encourages spreading) and taking benadryl. It's just that I didn't take the precaution of cutting all my nails off and wearing gloves continuously for the last week, so even if I scratch absent-mindedly in a totally innocuous area, it somehow pops up afresh. The phrase "don't scratch" is just about the most inimical thing to my state of existence right now.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315120#Comment_315120 2011-11-10T05:36:57-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719

Guys, it wasn't my fault. I swear. I've been nowhere NEAR Allana.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315139#Comment_315139 2011-11-10T09:53:13-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216

fuck fuck fuck... supporting roll...take a break from business....might as well, without my dj my show's on hold anyway...he just announced he's selling his toy collection and leaving the ...

supporting roll...take a break from business....might as well, without my dj my show's on hold anyway...he just announced he's selling his toy collection and leaving the state.
breaking my heart for so many reasons...he was my best friend for a time, we were almost roomates...business partners in so many projects...and hewas so talented...I loved his music, his singing voice and his technical skill....god dammit.
god...dammit...

i've tried to get into side projects with other people, but they always end up dropping the project on me... i'm not sure why...
the reason I'm so manic about getting work done is because I know if I have a project that's going forward in a positive way I'll feel a lot better overall...I'm have a purpose and a distraction from my health problems.

blarg, on top of this shit,I'm sick now. I was planning on going out to scout out locations and check out the local gay bar/caberet show but I guess I'll have to sit about and tend to my health...

it's all poop....just all poop i say.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315189#Comment_315189 2011-11-10T17:49:14-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552

Glukkake's advice is really really really fucking sound. I need to keep that in mind more often. I've had those issues where I seem to always alienate people and one thing I sometimes saw myself ...

I've had those issues where I seem to always alienate people and one thing I sometimes saw myself doing was saying how I was so lonely to people who WERE RIGHT THERE. Saying that over and over was a fantastic way to push away the people in my life who felt (quite rightly) that their presence wasn't important because all I could do was complain about how I needed other people around.

@Pooka - I get it. I do. When I still had my best friend/ partner/ thing, it was amazing and awesome that I had someone that was so often THERE for me, someone who would com by and just hang out with me when I felt woogy, someone to talk to every night who always had my back... but still I always pined for some sort of social life. Some sort of... y'know, "Hey, I want to do this awesome stupid thing that I know isn't HIS sort of thing to do, who wants to go with me?!" Or just.. the ability to come back from doing something out in the world with other humans and be able to TELL him about it, instead of just being so solitary and having nothing to talk about but the internet. Having only one human to count on is a lot for that one human, and... and it leaves you feeling somewhat frenzied when that one person isn't available, then. And having projects, distractions... they mean something different to the non-sickly. When healthy people are done with obligations, they want to relax or something. The sick, we do not want to be left still. We thrive on distraction. It's very important. Small things that seem trivial to others are really very important to the sick. Something to DO, something to TRY, something that isn't being stuck in woe, something that might... dare I say it... bring hope! I don't have my fellow anymore, and that was amazingly shattering, but maybe you'll be lucky enough to find a human who is sick in ways that are similar enough to understand and be empathic, but different enough to complement you and compensate for each other in ways.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315190#Comment_315190 2011-11-10T18:15:05-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552

Yesterday, I had a day for myself. I woke at a human hour, took many hours to get out of the house, went to the Cloisters, wandered the monestary, walked through the woods breathing heavy of the ...

Unfortunately, I forgot that I've had sex but 3 times these past 3 years (of minimal results), so my insides have shrunk, and my sex toy doesn't .... fit. Further frustrations: this day of low key activity is enough to make me sleep for 15 hours for recovery, since I've pulled back on taking the painkillers.

Also, the night before I'd tried to get rid of the password thing on my netbook, failed, then gave myself a new password, which I have promptly forgotten.

The hint I'd left for myself is "meaty lies"

I have no idea what that means. Suggestions?

Um. I've been thinking a lot about my sexual and romantic self. I need to get myself some electrolysis so that I don't have to shave my face every day and so I won't be horrified about the idea of kissing someone. To that same end, I have to go back to my diet and start exercising so I am not horrified at the idea of someone touching me elsewhere. The problem is, I'm so solitary and so fucking lonely all the time that I fear being sexual with anyone I actually like, or I'll attach myself like a barnacle of desperation. I am trying to repair the damage of the past 10 years of social isolation. I talk to myself a lot; my inner narration or random thoughts come out like a crazy homeless person. It's difficult to figure out how to train myself to not do that. I am starting to remember how I was as a true romantic; how I was always willing to love, even if it would not last, even if it was brief, even if they did't love me back, because at least I'd get to love. This is a much easier outlook when you have some degree of emotional support elsewhere, some friends or family. When you are on your own with few real friends to turn to, a broken heart severs your only consistant tie with the outside world. I am trying, however, to reinstate that. It's slowly growing in my insides, this idea. This romantic self.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315194#Comment_315194 2011-11-10T18:37:05-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 allana http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019

There must be a German word for the fear of sexual contact after a long period of celibacy. There's so much encompassed in the idea. Personally, I try to milk all my heartbreaks for their artistic ...

Personally, I try to milk all my heartbreaks for their artistic juices. I'm too young to have ever really had the "this is it for the rest of my life" notion, so maybe my romantic heartbreaks don't mean as much as they could. But I want to believe in sublimated creative profit from shitty emotional periods, even if the bad far outweighs the good.

Also, I'm getting ridiculous at talking to myself. I think the only way to live like this is in a big city -- I just take the opportunity to shout at everyone and everything. Riding a bike and swearing at motorists is a big part. But I think today I maxed-out on pleasantries at work, and ended up shooting my mouth off in my night class as compensation. I can only handle so much quiet politeness before I have to belt out some crazy, it seems. Thus, my advice on this one is to get out downtown, dress like a nut, and act crazy. No one needs to know that you're going home to a nice apartment afterwards.

(I say all this with the caveat that I think social isolation is a more natural state for me. Right now I see the boy twice a week and the rest of my friends maybe once a month, which probably quantifies to the same dependence you're describing. I just think of it as multi-tasking: if I have to see anyone, it had better be for sex as well as telling my stupid day-to-day anecdotes.)]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315199#Comment_315199 2011-11-10T19:32:13-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552

But I want to believe in sublimated creative profit from shitty emotional periods, even if the bad far outweighs the good. Yes. It's the idea that anything terrible can be fodder for something ...

But I want to believe in sublimated creative profit from shitty emotional periods, even if the bad far outweighs the good.

Yes. It's the idea that anything terrible can be fodder for something awesome that has allowed me to weather the worst moments of my life. Perhaps if I were creating more regularly, I'd be able to cling to that outlook more wholeheartedly, and feel more brave against the world and it's slings and arrows.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315204#Comment_315204 2011-11-10T19:44:52-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 Comicbookbunny http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5151

So my mother seems happy to stalk me. I have no interest in this woman, she is a horrid human, was a bitch to us when we were kids complete with lots of abuse yaddah yaddah. And is just all around a ...

I've blocked her from everywhere that I have been able (phone included- fuck all if I know how she got my gods damned number) She recently was posting things on my business Facebook page. I've had to block her twice for some archaic reason it didn't stick the first time.

I want nothing to do with her- at all. She knows this I've told her very specifically to fuck off and die. It depresses me even when I see her name come up for anything- I have no idea how to cram into her selfish little mind that she needs to leave me alone. She never gave a shit about us when we were kids- it's frankly no surprise she refuses to listen to me now....]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315214#Comment_315214 2011-11-10T20:57:15-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

Hello Whitechapel. Fooking hell!It's about 4.30 a.m in stinky London town.I can't believe the state i was in a few hours back.There is no way i would have been able to indulge in some mindshite ...

Fooking hell!It's about 4.30 a.m in stinky London town.I can't believe the state i was in a few hours back.There is no way i would have been able to indulge in some mindshite respite.

I was absolutely crippled with anxiety overload.I guess i looked like a shit movie generic junky going through it.All i could do was squirm around on top of my bed in foul adrenaline payback torment.I've not experienced anything like it for years.It was unbearable.I wanted to grab my hair and smash my skull of a wall.My legs where kicking in full spastard mode.My chick mate rang me and the foul obscenities i was saying to vent my anger.She understands to a certain degree as she too is a recovering addict yet still reckon i got some grovelling to do in a few hours.

The only way i could cope was to pace around my flat making weird yelping noises like a scared pit bull.I had to take a small dose of diazepam before taking my suboxone detox meds.I no longer know how long it is since coming off the vile methadone.I'm tired about going on about it but i just got to accept the carnage left behind from my using.I know it's going to get better but i'm looking at years of recovery.It's so frustrating..i want to go to college to brush up on my spelling,get back into life drawing,go back to work helping young offenders,take advantage of all the good things London has to offer yet fook fook fooking fook!!!!]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10332&Focus=315228#Comment_315228 2011-11-11T00:01:08-08:00 2013-05-22T07:03:46-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

Insomnia.Tired of it.Tired of being a outsider yet the thought of conforming makes me sick.Sick of looking at flesh on the streets and jumped up little fuckers not realising they are dead.Sick of ...

Tired of giving the old "Oh well,this world is fooked but what can you do,eh?"

It's just a constant compromise.It's like being at a wank party that you were not invited to but only staying there because you desperately want to fit in.

Weary as fook as my head keeps telling me it would be fun to use.

And the xmas thing coming up.Fooksake.I'd love to have a few shots of Jack Daniels and some irish cream but i don't know when to stop and the next thing i'd know is that i would be prowling around the council estate from hell spunking my money on class a evil shit.

I really hope i don't end up a mean old angry poisonous bile filled crank in a old peoples home.

I used to work as a care attendant in a shitty N.H.S retirement home in a rough part of Newcastle.This awful old git in there lost control.Any woman who was near to him he used to grope.He used to get pissed on the sly and shout at people.I don't think he had any immediate family.
I went into work one day and the rest of staff had given up on him.Locked him in a room.Me and another lad went in.He was naked and his shit was everywhere.Stunk.We did our best and cleaned him up.This was a long time ago.

Two days latter some twat decided it would be a good idea to over medicate the fooker and see what would happen..

Basically they killed him.The atmosphere at the home was full of electric static guilt.

Nice,eh?

oh well..what can you do,eh?]]>