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    • CommentTimeNov 8th 2011
    @Pooka never conform, never give up, especially when it means your own happiness. I ended a 7 year long relationship that was headed for marriage and mortgages and puppy dogs because when it came down to it, there were things missing in the relationship that wasn't fulfilling at all and pretending that it was OK hurt more than finally separating. But I wasted so much of his time and my own time being untrue to what I needed and I'm sad for it.
    And you're not being a whiny bitch, but do make sure that you're taking care. I've had those issues where I seem to always alienate people and one thing I sometimes saw myself doing was saying how I was so lonely to people who WERE RIGHT THERE. Saying that over and over was a fantastic way to push away the people in my life who felt (quite rightly) that their presence wasn't important because all I could do was complain about how I needed other people around. You seem to be quite interested in pulling people towards yourself, so make sure that you're not under appreciating those who are there, even if they're not there 100% of the time.

    For my spleen venting, I'm angry at a friend. Which is terrible, because I rather liked them for collaborating and good times and whatnot, but I honestly don't know if it's worth repairing. But I want to fix it because I like happy fun times! But it might just result in being let down again and again and coming back to square one. I need to find better ways to spend my time than thinking about it.

    Also, fuck you daylights savings time and robbing me of precious sunlight.
    • CommentTimeNov 8th 2011
    I seem to be having the same problems as Glukkake right now. Darn friends and daylight savings. Would help if I didn't need light to do my photography homework.

    Also lonely. The sister I live with went to visit my parents for the night, leaving me home alone, where I've just been sulking.

    In happier news, I talked to an adviser about school stuff today. The magic class that covered 2 things I needed is only available for Art History majors, but there's a different magic class that covers 2 things. And if I can take a test to prove I know how to safely run a table-saw and whatnot, then I don't have to take another class. This puts me on track to graduate in spring of next year, with no summer classes or anything.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 9th 2011
    @glukkake thankyou...your right...
    I'm pretty sure I"ve already crossed the ground from "annoyingly clingy and needy" to "shut the fuck up bitch, we're tired of hearing it" on facebook...
    I quit for a while...bitching about loneliness from my bed is not going to help me and the few aquaintances I've made here have stopped talking to me.
    my marriage isn't even part of the equation here...I know that no man would ever be as devoted and caring and loving as my husband. We've spend every day together, and we turn into sulky messes anytime we have to be apart for more than a day. He comforts me when I cry about not having friends, and then he made me realize that I have a best friend here, a loyal and wonderful friend in his adopted brother. He's the one person I know in town that I knew before I moved here, and he's the best guy around, really...just the best. Sweet, caring and loyal to a fault. I'm so lucky to have my husband and brother in law bur he can't come by very often because he works so much...
    Most people would assume I'm having relationship problems with my husband. a girl as lonely as me couldn't possibly have a happy marriage...but I do, I really do. It's a completely different type of longing and lonliness, and it's hard for me to describe how I feel and why to people...I'm sure it's born from all sorts of different reasons, including my desperation and frustration with my own physical failings, and my feelings of inadequacy and ugliness born of my disease.

    I decided to try to go out with a new female friend of mine. We've tried hanging out a few times but shit kept coming up. We recently discovered Lexington's gay bar, so we figured we'd give it a try. She's bi and married too, but we don't really click beyond friendship, and she's moving in the spring so...bleh.
    I think that a lot of my problem is that I'm getting that emotional itch again. I'm pretty takes a lot for me to be attracted to a guy...I haven't had a girlfriend or even a close female friend in years. This girl I'm trying to hang out with is the closest thing I've got and I'm looking forward to hanging out with her tomarrow night (if I can get over this horrid virus that's hitting me right now).
    I think part of my problem is that all my friends are guys...I need some estrogen in my life lol. There's a big difference on how males treat a married female vs. a single one...but I've never been able to make female friends very well...
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 9th 2011
    Oh lovely...just got told by my ex fwb/business partner to fuck off forever...
    great. just great...breaks my fucking heart it does. I tried so hard with him...
    but lately I can't even bring up business concerns without him getting pissed off and saying I'm bothering him or trying to cause drama...
    i quit...i just quit.
    • CommentTimeNov 9th 2011
    You know, generally I don't post in the Vile-Hugging thread, but life's been good lately, so all my Open-Mic-ing has been redirected there...

    Okay, I just did pan-seared salmon steak in a lemon/oil/sea salt/caper/garlic marinade, with baby potatoes and asparagus slathered in butter and sour cream. Ohmygodsogood. Half of it's for lunch tomorrow at the new job. First day went well; expectations seem to be low, given the way they've talked about previous seasonal staff, so maybe I'll wow their pants off and get myself something a bit more permanent. Or maybe I and two friends will skip out for England in January. Much scheming is afoot!
    People also seem pretty amenable to buying ads in the magazine this month, so maybe that'll get off the ground despite my reduced free time. The EIC is the super-coolest lady ever and we agree on everything all the time, so I'm excited to see how things work out this month. I had a hand in distro last month, as well as doing a proofread, and we're going to change the way layout (and my copyedits) get done, hopefully for the way-better.

    Bad news: poison ivy forever. There's a fresh patch on my right hip/buttcheek, and another on my right knee. CAN'T STOP SCRATCHING.
  1.  (10332.26)
    @Pooka: I think what you are feeling is the shitty stage of transition (what you go through as a result of moving). Depending on the culture, the contrast between the cultures your moving between, and a person's personality, it can take one two a lot of years to adjust and make friends and learn the social rules and... all that stuff. There's the ridiculous perception sometimes that when you move to a new place everything is new and exciting and you make all these amazing friends and it's one great adventure. The reality is that one the shiny newness rubs off (and it doesn't take all that long), it really really sucks. And it stays being pretty shitty until it doesn't. Sometimes when things start crashing and burning, it's because you're trying to rush the process and as a result, wear out your new friends. It will get better, and you'll feel less lonely, but it takes time. If it's doable, finding a counselor or therapist to go to so you can get your ranting out of your system (and hopefully some advice while you're at it), so you have an easier time not overwhelming people with all the emotions and frustrations that you're going through. Maybe taking a break from all the business stuff would be good. See if you can find a supporting role to fill until you adjust better to the area and have the support you need for your own projects. Just don't quit, ok?
    • CommentTimeNov 9th 2011 edited
    @allana: If you can, get to a doctor pronto. That happens to my mom (a lot, our beach has poison ivy) and she ends up having to go to the doctor like once a year. I've heard that you can also get a shot for it as a preventative measure.
    • CommentTimeNov 9th 2011
    Or stop making out with Batman villains.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 9th 2011
    @ oddbill: He He He..
  2.  (10332.30)
    allana - Don't scratch, it'll just spread. The best solution I know for the itching is to use hot water, as hot as you can stand, on the affected area. That'll shock the nerves sufficiently that it'll stop itching so much for several hours. Also, take lots of benedryl. And be careful of mangoes - fun fact, they're related to poison ivy. If your allergy is strong enough, touching the skin of a mango can cause a similar reaction to poison ivy.

    I say this because I turn into a hideous monster if poison ivy or its kin look at me funny (how does it always get to my face?), so have done a good bit of research on ways to ease the suffering and prevent it happening next time.
    • CommentTimeNov 10th 2011

    You guys've covered my regimen pretty well. I traded up the oatmeal plasters for calamine, but I'm also scalding myself pretty regularly (although hot water opens up the pores and possibly encourages spreading) and taking benadryl. It's just that I didn't take the precaution of cutting all my nails off and wearing gloves continuously for the last week, so even if I scratch absent-mindedly in a totally innocuous area, it somehow pops up afresh. The phrase "don't scratch" is just about the most inimical thing to my state of existence right now.
    • CommentTimeNov 10th 2011
    Guys, it wasn't my fault. I swear. I've been nowhere NEAR Allana.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 10th 2011
    fuck fuck fuck...
    supporting roll...take a break from business....might as well, without my dj my show's on hold anyway...he just announced he's selling his toy collection and leaving the state.
    breaking my heart for so many reasons...he was my best friend for a time, we were almost partners in so many projects...and hewas so talented...I loved his music, his singing voice and his technical skill....god dammit.

    i've tried to get into side projects with other people, but they always end up dropping the project on me... i'm not sure why...
    the reason I'm so manic about getting work done is because I know if I have a project that's going forward in a positive way I'll feel a lot better overall...I'm have a purpose and a distraction from my health problems.

    blarg, on top of this shit,I'm sick now. I was planning on going out to scout out locations and check out the local gay bar/caberet show but I guess I'll have to sit about and tend to my health...

    it's all poop....just all poop i say.
  3.  (10332.34)
    Glukkake's advice is really really really fucking sound. I need to keep that in mind more often.
    I've had those issues where I seem to always alienate people and one thing I sometimes saw myself doing was saying how I was so lonely to people who WERE RIGHT THERE. Saying that over and over was a fantastic way to push away the people in my life who felt (quite rightly) that their presence wasn't important because all I could do was complain about how I needed other people around.

    @Pooka - I get it. I do. When I still had my best friend/ partner/ thing, it was amazing and awesome that I had someone that was so often THERE for me, someone who would com by and just hang out with me when I felt woogy, someone to talk to every night who always had my back... but still I always pined for some sort of social life. Some sort of... y'know, "Hey, I want to do this awesome stupid thing that I know isn't HIS sort of thing to do, who wants to go with me?!" Or just.. the ability to come back from doing something out in the world with other humans and be able to TELL him about it, instead of just being so solitary and having nothing to talk about but the internet. Having only one human to count on is a lot for that one human, and... and it leaves you feeling somewhat frenzied when that one person isn't available, then. And having projects, distractions... they mean something different to the non-sickly. When healthy people are done with obligations, they want to relax or something. The sick, we do not want to be left still. We thrive on distraction. It's very important. Small things that seem trivial to others are really very important to the sick. Something to DO, something to TRY, something that isn't being stuck in woe, something that might... dare I say it... bring hope! I don't have my fellow anymore, and that was amazingly shattering, but maybe you'll be lucky enough to find a human who is sick in ways that are similar enough to understand and be empathic, but different enough to complement you and compensate for each other in ways.
  4.  (10332.35)
    Yesterday, I had a day for myself. I woke at a human hour, took many hours to get out of the house, went to the Cloisters, wandered the monestary, walked through the woods breathing heavy of the scent of autumn, then headed to the West Villiage. I found myself a a british eaterie and got myself some lamb stew and a treacle tart (I've still no idea what treacle is) and a few pots of tea.... then wandered to the head shops and sex shops where I bought myself my first vaporizer and my first proper sex toy.

    Unfortunately, I forgot that I've had sex but 3 times these past 3 years (of minimal results), so my insides have shrunk, and my sex toy doesn't .... fit. Further frustrations: this day of low key activity is enough to make me sleep for 15 hours for recovery, since I've pulled back on taking the painkillers.

    Also, the night before I'd tried to get rid of the password thing on my netbook, failed, then gave myself a new password, which I have promptly forgotten.

    The hint I'd left for myself is
    "meaty lies"

    I have no idea what that means. Suggestions?

    Um. I've been thinking a lot about my sexual and romantic self. I need to get myself some electrolysis so that I don't have to shave my face every day and so I won't be horrified about the idea of kissing someone. To that same end, I have to go back to my diet and start exercising so I am not horrified at the idea of someone touching me elsewhere. The problem is, I'm so solitary and so fucking lonely all the time that I fear being sexual with anyone I actually like, or I'll attach myself like a barnacle of desperation. I am trying to repair the damage of the past 10 years of social isolation. I talk to myself a lot; my inner narration or random thoughts come out like a crazy homeless person. It's difficult to figure out how to train myself to not do that. I am starting to remember how I was as a true romantic; how I was always willing to love, even if it would not last, even if it was brief, even if they did't love me back, because at least I'd get to love. This is a much easier outlook when you have some degree of emotional support elsewhere, some friends or family. When you are on your own with few real friends to turn to, a broken heart severs your only consistant tie with the outside world. I am trying, however, to reinstate that. It's slowly growing in my insides, this idea. This romantic self.
    • CommentTimeNov 10th 2011
    There must be a German word for the fear of sexual contact after a long period of celibacy. There's so much encompassed in the idea.
    Personally, I try to milk all my heartbreaks for their artistic juices. I'm too young to have ever really had the "this is it for the rest of my life" notion, so maybe my romantic heartbreaks don't mean as much as they could. But I want to believe in sublimated creative profit from shitty emotional periods, even if the bad far outweighs the good.

    Also, I'm getting ridiculous at talking to myself. I think the only way to live like this is in a big city -- I just take the opportunity to shout at everyone and everything. Riding a bike and swearing at motorists is a big part. But I think today I maxed-out on pleasantries at work, and ended up shooting my mouth off in my night class as compensation. I can only handle so much quiet politeness before I have to belt out some crazy, it seems. Thus, my advice on this one is to get out downtown, dress like a nut, and act crazy. No one needs to know that you're going home to a nice apartment afterwards.

    (I say all this with the caveat that I think social isolation is a more natural state for me. Right now I see the boy twice a week and the rest of my friends maybe once a month, which probably quantifies to the same dependence you're describing. I just think of it as multi-tasking: if I have to see anyone, it had better be for sex as well as telling my stupid day-to-day anecdotes.)
  5.  (10332.37)
    But I want to believe in sublimated creative profit from shitty emotional periods, even if the bad far outweighs the good.

    Yes. It's the idea that anything terrible can be fodder for something awesome that has allowed me to weather the worst moments of my life. Perhaps if I were creating more regularly, I'd be able to cling to that outlook more wholeheartedly, and feel more brave against the world and it's slings and arrows.
  6.  (10332.38)
    So my mother seems happy to stalk me. I have no interest in this woman, she is a horrid human, was a bitch to us when we were kids complete with lots of abuse yaddah yaddah. And is just all around a general raging stupid cunt face.

    I've blocked her from everywhere that I have been able (phone included- fuck all if I know how she got my gods damned number) She recently was posting things on my business Facebook page. I've had to block her twice for some archaic reason it didn't stick the first time.

    I want nothing to do with her- at all. She knows this I've told her very specifically to fuck off and die. It depresses me even when I see her name come up for anything- I have no idea how to cram into her selfish little mind that she needs to leave me alone. She never gave a shit about us when we were kids- it's frankly no surprise she refuses to listen to me now....
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 10th 2011
    Hello Whitechapel.

    Fooking hell!It's about 4.30 a.m in stinky London town.I can't believe the state i was in a few hours back.There is no way i would have been able to indulge in some mindshite respite.

    I was absolutely crippled with anxiety overload.I guess i looked like a shit movie generic junky going through it.All i could do was squirm around on top of my bed in foul adrenaline payback torment.I've not experienced anything like it for years.It was unbearable.I wanted to grab my hair and smash my skull of a wall.My legs where kicking in full spastard mode.My chick mate rang me and the foul obscenities i was saying to vent my anger.She understands to a certain degree as she too is a recovering addict yet still reckon i got some grovelling to do in a few hours.

    The only way i could cope was to pace around my flat making weird yelping noises like a scared pit bull.I had to take a small dose of diazepam before taking my suboxone detox meds.I no longer know how long it is since coming off the vile methadone.I'm tired about going on about it but i just got to accept the carnage left behind from my using.I know it's going to get better but i'm looking at years of recovery.It's so frustrating..i want to go to college to brush up on my spelling,get back into life drawing,go back to work helping young offenders,take advantage of all the good things London has to offer yet fook fook fooking fook!!!!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
    Insomnia.Tired of it.Tired of being a outsider yet the thought of conforming makes me sick.Sick of looking at flesh on the streets and jumped up little fuckers not realising they are dead.Sick of this society and its crap rules.Maybe it's my ancestry.I'm a god damn viking for fooks sake.I wish i was on the battlefield drenched in blood kicking heads around.Tired of all the unvoiced resentment in this poxy city.There is a race war going on and i'm a minority in my own bastad country.I can't think about the state of this cuntry without wanting to break some necks.Shit gets to you so you end up so tired you have to sit in bloody NA meetings crying going "I'm tired of snarling around this city wanting to kill every fooka who is taking the piss"

    Tired of giving the old "Oh well,this world is fooked but what can you do,eh?"

    It's just a constant compromise.It's like being at a wank party that you were not invited to but only staying there because you desperately want to fit in.

    Weary as fook as my head keeps telling me it would be fun to use.

    And the xmas thing coming up.Fooksake.I'd love to have a few shots of Jack Daniels and some irish cream but i don't know when to stop and the next thing i'd know is that i would be prowling around the council estate from hell spunking my money on class a evil shit.

    I really hope i don't end up a mean old angry poisonous bile filled crank in a old peoples home.

    I used to work as a care attendant in a shitty N.H.S retirement home in a rough part of Newcastle.This awful old git in there lost control.Any woman who was near to him he used to grope.He used to get pissed on the sly and shout at people.I don't think he had any immediate family.
    I went into work one day and the rest of staff had given up on him.Locked him in a room.Me and another lad went in.He was naked and his shit was everywhere.Stunk.We did our best and cleaned him up.This was a long time ago.

    Two days latter some twat decided it would be a good idea to over medicate the fooker and see what would happen..

    Basically they killed him.The atmosphere at the home was full of electric static guilt.


    oh well..what can you do,eh?