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  1.  (10342.1)
    Urgh. All this moving-house-and-not-having-Internet nonsense has fuckerised the regularity of my thread-creating. Let's get this puppy back to the Friday Morning Starts I had planned for it.

    Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough Week.

    Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

    I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
     (10342.2)
    Trying really hard to move on...
    everytime I start up my mp3 list one of the songs he sang for me pops up...
    my favorite webshow has him in it...
    and he's always on the forfront of my facebook because all my friends up here are friends with him and involved in projects with him. I'd just delete him but that would be assholish considering all this might blow over in a week...and despite how awful he's treated me I still find myself wantig to reconcile. He was so much fun to hang out with...constant entertainment and fun...plus I'm a girl impressed by talent, and my (ex)business partner had it in spades. He was perfect for my art and music shows, and now that's he's talking about leaving the state and kinda hates me now I guess, I'm going to have to start from ground zero again on it.
    I loved his music and his stage presence...now I have to find someone that can fill his shoes. I need a dj/actor/musician who can keep a crowd entertained all day for cheap. Preferably someone who writes thier own tracks and can help out with my closing band....for cheap...because I'm putting things together with ten bucks and a ham sammich... he was my business partner in other matters so he was willing to work on commission without garantee of an amount...it's going to take me a while to find someone to replace him, and I'm so god damned frustrated about it...
    I guess I'm going to try to make myself wait and see what happens...he could change his mind. It's always something new....
    it's driving me crazy to just sit here though.I want...I NEED something to keep me distracted. All my projects I could be working on involved him...
    I should NEVER work with friends...I should NEVER NEVER fool around with co workers...
    and I should never ever hinge so much on one person...I should always have a backup before I even start...
    • CommentAuthorKosmopolit
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
     (10342.3)
    Nick Cage just spent $2,000 on a steak knife.

    And yet people complain about Charlie Sheen blowing HIS money on hookers and blow.

    I know which strikes me as the more sensible investment.
    •  
      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
     (10342.4)
    @Kosmopolit: Was it a Hattori Hanzo steak knife?

    Well, I woke up to a fine surprise this morning. Namely, three jagged shards of glass sticking up out of a bottlecap, and a room that smelled strongly of yeast and pumpkin spices.

    Clean your bottles and check your priming sugar measurements, li'l homebrewers. Otherwise, you might roll over in your sleep and slit your own throat.

    Had a taste of it last night, though, and when it stays in the bottle (or glass) like it's supposed to, it's quite good!
  2.  (10342.5)
    Hookers n Blow?



    I met Miss Natalie Sky (one of the performers in the porn) one night at a train station in NJ.
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011 edited
     (10342.6)
    Yeah...being sexual is something that's a bit hard for me to do nowadays. Despite looking and feeling better than EVER, it's...been a while and I'm a bit afraid of that level of intimacy. And as far as relationships and attractions go...haha...yeeeeeeah.

    But! Things have actually been really really good for me lately, which has been marvelous. Got a first look of a comic character based on me, got some glorious money for my Deadmau5 gig, enjoyed punching and being punched at boxing (while getting lots of praise over my potential by the seasoned pros), getting another job which is amazing and having someone call me up to tell me that they are giving me three studio lights for FREE and...yeah.

    In all honesty I needed this. For the first time in a while I haven't felt like the world has been kicking my ass and I haven't felt like some kind of useless failure. The biggest boost that getting these jobs gave me was the knowledge that someone likes what I do enough to HIRE me and trust me with getting the highest quality. Despite print sales I don't get a lot of people willing to pay me to take pictures and that's been punching my self-esteem in regards to my abilities with photography which is partially why I haven't been taking my camera out as much anymore. Lately anything I've taken just looks like shit to me.

    Tonight is also the birthday bash for Black Oak Brewery and while I really do want to go, I've decided that me being alone and drunk in a place that's at least an hour and a half away from my house is a bad combination (Truth be told getting home from Cask Days within the city was a miracle in itself). So I think that a movie rental and a bottle of Barley Wine to sip might do the trick.
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
     (10342.7)
    Also @Pooka, do you have any music up online? I found a myspace page, but there was nothing on it.
  3.  (10342.8)
    So, I've been thinking about Allana's reminder of how terrible times can be great emotional fodder for art. Perhaps a bit too literally, I decided to do something. I've started a new tumblr:
    QuietNobody.tumblr.com


    It is where people can upload and post the love letters they slaved on and wrote with such emotional fury that eloquence that they deserve to be seen by more sets of eyes than only the object of a romance that is no more.
    • CommentAuthorKosmopolit
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
     (10342.9)
    Was it a Hattori Hanzo steak knife?


    No, it was a hunting knife from some Alaskan specialty store which he says he plans to use as a steak knife.
    •  
      CommentAuthorBeamish
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
     (10342.10)
    FUCK YOU MATH! Just. Fuck. You.
    •  
      CommentAuthoroutlawpoet
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
     (10342.11)
    I am channeling all words into nanowrimo, so this will be sparse again.

    Broke. Reaching that point where getting the mail is an anxious experience, as I learn exactly how much this month's shortfall will cost me. Just barely keeping up with my responsibilities at work and crashspace, hoping to pull ahead a little bit since my lack of funds means less distraction, but the concurrent lack of energy does as much damage as the other helps.

    Really hoping I can finish nanowrimo this year, need to break my two streak of losing. Things are complex on the romance front.

    Hoping my work on some scale models will score me a few rides on an exceptionally dangerous vehicle we at crashspace are helping with: molnari g2
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011 edited
     (10342.12)
    So I have learned that there is a beer from a certain brewery that I am allergic to.

    Christ. A beer lover and a beer blogger and I'm allergic to beer.

    Stuffed sinuses and itchy/burning throat. Jesus, Great Lakes.

    EDIT: Cured by Mill Street Barley Wine. And. er. More allergy meds than I care to say.
  4.  (10342.13)
    @oldhat: One beer. Maybe it's something in the beer that you're reacting to?

    @Beamish: No idea why the math hate on, but it amuses me at least. Hopefully your math troubles will soon be over.

    As for me...
    Wooo exhaustion. And not sleeping at sensible times. Apparently my aunt has thyroid problems and my mom had some lab work done which pointed out that something was off with her thyroid. So maybe that's my problem? Except that I've had that checked before and it was fine. I guess I'll have to get some blood work done again. Bleh. On the bright side, I'm going to get paid to help make pasties (the British food, less excitingly) for church fundraising because my boss is also an interim pastor (she is nothing like a normal pastor, don't you worry). Oh and hopefully I'll remember to go to the birthday party I'm supposed to go to as well. Ok, exhaustion hitting again. Off to sleep (again).
    •  
      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
     (10342.14)
    @oldhat Watch out with that mixing allergy meds and alcohol. Sounds like fun until you find your heart charging like a spooked horse and your hands are numb.

    @Rachael - the quiet nobody sounds interesting but letters written out of emotional turmoil - even when I was writing knowing I wouldn't send it - tended to end up in a mad scribble of "FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU" wide black scratches that tore through the paper.

    It's been a blah week of keeping up with some things and flailing in other areas. All told, not terribly exciting though there is the part where I have to force myself to face the harder parts of acting - doing actual on-stage stuff I just don't want to do. It always sucks to realize you're somewhere you don't really want to be, have paid the money to be there and now (by virtue of being there) you're expected to perform along the parameters of the class. In an improv class this means rolling with whatever insanity a scene brings, even if it includes having two people yell in each ear their own ridiculous agendas - quick invent something that isn't your usual "Shut The Fuck Up Or I'm Leaving!!" response. But I worked through the suck and I'm very glad I didn't fall to my usual reaction which is to shut down hard and be inaccessible in response to harassment. It's supposed to be ok if it's on stage; they're just playing characters and I'm to develop my character and choices in response. But it pegs my anxieties hard and the primary reason I've stayed far away from improv is precisely because I can't control the situation I'm in; I can't even control who I am and what I'm doing in that situation. It's terrifying and my mental and emotional makeup lead me to shut down and/or flee such situations.

    Compound this with single principle of participating in improv - be present! - and my only method of coping is cut off. Normally this means cue the anxiety attack. (Heh, thinking back on it and I'm just about crying. ) But this time I found a couple things to latch onto in other scenes later on, things that could make mad enough to be loud and take charge. The class liked the work but I know it was raw and at a bit of distance. Well, even if the work was shaky I'm hoping I can count on the class as being a bit of a breakthrough; I didn't fall apart, I didn't waste half the class, and I found a reason to carry on attending improv classes even though the thought of facing more situations where I intentionally leave myself somewhere I can't control who I am, where I am, or what's going on around me already makes me want to cry.

    I have to admit it trips the thought of quitting. Which is really all the rationale necessary to continue. I stubbornly hold onto situations that are tumbling out of my grasp, even when it hurts. Well then, I'll hold onto what I want to do in my life at the same time I'll see about easing up on the details in the play-pretend few minutes of class.

    Still desperate for money. Still pissed that I have community service hours to complete (so much so I keep failing to do them which makes it all take longer which makes me hate it more). Still very worried about my dad. Still not sure what I can do to instill more discipline into my days.
    •  
      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeNov 11th 2011
     (10342.15)
    Thanks folks. Feeling it start to go away, but my throat feels like sandpaper and it hurts to talk. Hope I'll be better by tomorrow when it's the WC Toronto meet.

    Considering what it might be. Likely candidate is the hops, or at least how it is preserved or processed. There could be some oils in the hops I'm allergic to or, if they use sulphite as a preservative, I could be having a reaction to that. Regardless, I'll call the brewery to figure out what they do special and then pop off to an allergist.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 12th 2011
     (10342.16)
    @oldhat no...i'm just a promoter right now. I want to sing, but haven't been able to find anyone to give me the chance yet.
    that myspace page is ages and ages old. I don't even remember my username and password anymore lol
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 12th 2011
     (10342.17)
    Damn it..got to go and see Uncle Warren in a bit at some comic book madness.In the city of shite.Got the woman on the phone busting my rancid balls

    Fooking migraine! She can rant like a psycho at times.

    SIGH...

    Post my crap mindshite later..
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 12th 2011
     (10342.18)
    Met an adorable girl on the internets that lives pretty close by. She invited me over to a party last night but I'm still pretty sick, and I'd feel like a contagious ass if I went. I hope that I can trust her and this isn't some horrid rapey plot or anything, but I'm pretty sure I've seen the girl before years ago at a convention we both attended.
    She loves horror movies and is all "420 friendly" as it were. She also loves reptiles...i like reptiles :).
    Even if we just become friends it's really made me feel better to have someone to show some kind of interest in me.
    I feel better this morning. the kids went off with their grandmother for the weekend and it's just been me and my husband and my puppydogs. Today the source of my stress and troubles is coming over to take my husband, two broken xboxes and my broken ps3 to a dude to get the ps3 fixed and maybe do some trading on some controllers and whatnot. I need my gaming systems back. All of mine have died and I'm used a borrowed xbox right now. My ex fwb is still wanting to do business with my husband, and that's fine, but right now I don't want to really deal with him again for a few days. I was starting to calm myself back down and get over the bad emotions tangled up with him. (if you haven't noticed, I work through emotions and situations pretty quickly. I spend a whole lot of time fixated on my major problem until i figure out my best course of action ((taking into consideration the wonderful advice from folks like you)) and so I generally come to an emotional conclusion within a day or so)
    I've been clearing my head and resting a lot. I think the combined forced bedrest because of my current horrid headcold, and absence of contact with him has had a good effect on me. We'll see how I feel later today if I have to talk to him, and how he acts towards me. I'm still kinda pissed, but in the same way I'm kinda pissed at my ex girlfriend whom I have to deal with on at least an every couple of days basis due to reasons I don't want to get into right now...

    I'm hoping I feel well enough tonight to go out. There's a gay bar here in lex that a female friend/customer of mine wants to go to with me. She's a pretty cool chick, not really someone I'd date or anything but she's fun to hang out with on the rare occasions I've been able to keep my evening plans with her (the last four times I've had to cancel because of one stupid thing after another...some of them being my exfwb)...
    Ohhhhh the drama in my life...I'm hoping it turns into some good drama. I'm so tired of one let down after another...
    I need some good excitment so I can post in the vile hugging thread instead...
  5.  (10342.19)
    So I just passed thirty days w/out drinking any booze, and going to Al-Anon to support my girlfriend/future fiancee who just quit drinking. She's just passed about 45 days or so clean and sober (and sane? Isn't that supposed to be part of it too?)

    She thinks I'm crazy to stand by her, and I agree. I tell her it's because I'm crazy about her. I think I'm probably unhealthy in love with her, and she finds that romantic.

    I've been bouncing from midnight shift (11pm-7am) to Days (650am-320pm) back and forth, and my days off have been changing every week. One week I work 8 days in a row, the next I work 3 days, and the next I work 7 days, etc. It's been very hard to keep up with going to Al-Anon meetings every week, and occasionally going to group or family meetings with her, and then other times going to family education meetings without her at the place she does outpatient therapy at.

    Also the costs of these things are starting to pile up. Her rehab is costing us like 2 grand, her outpatient care is like 35 a visit, and then she's supposed to visit a shrink, and the first visit is like 300 and after that is 90 a visit. And she makes just a little bit, about enough to cover groceries for us every month, and she was out of work for a month and it put it all on me. Now shes back, just barely under 40 hours a week, and shes working as much as she can, going to AA meetings every day, during her lunchbreak on the days she has outpatient, going in at 8am and not getting home until 9pm or later.

    So she's agsosted, and unable to work any extra hours, and pissed at herself for putting us in this situation, and putting the financial pressure on me. I assure her and tell her it will all be fine, and that I can put in some extra hours or whatever, and then we go to a meeting together telling us that codependency is the root of all evils and that's what led to her alcoholism and my enabling. And then I'm broke when it comes to my daughter's 12th birthday and I have to send her a package hoping it's not crap she doesn't like.

    And so the (hopefully) future Mrs. Spy thinks I'm amazing because I've been confident and strong and supportive, but all of this is starting to take it's toll. I'm still not going anywhere, and I'm on board with helping her through this, I'm just secretly not as strong as she thinks I am.

    And at the same time, I'm sure we're going to make it. I just got my vacation schedule for the next year, and I've got the week of the elusive February 29th off; that will be four years for us. I think that would be the perfect time for me to propose to her. Haven't got a ring yet, or a plan on other than the date, but I already know she'll say yes. And what reservations I have about us at the moment, I feel by the end of February I will have a clearer picture of where we'll be headed, and I'll feel confident that we're doing alright. I expect a semi-long engagement, but I actually think it'll be fun. We're not traditional people by any means, and I think we want just our folks and maybe a friend or two at the actual service. I once told her, all I needed was me and her under a tree for our wedding, and I think that would suit us just fine.

    So things are tough, yet looking up in the Spy houshold, and I'm hoping things are getting better for you guys and gals that are struggling too.

    Oh, and I just posted about the only time I ever really abused my authority for using my badge in my personal life. But it was for a good cause, I swear!
  6.  (10342.20)
    @Oldhat - there are a few things that I can't drink because something in them triggers headaches like nothing on earth - Rosé, Kronenburg, Stella, Grolsch (not that I'm particularly fussed about any of those).

    @GovSpy - glad to hear things are looking up, keep hanging in there. The cost of it all sounds terrifying though - thank god for our good old socialist health system...

    Good stuff - we managed to get out for the first time at a weekend for ages today - just a trip to the beach at Hayling Island, hot chocolate on the windy seafront and we had a laugh on the open air gym they've got there. Girls have been fairly cute, which is always nice, littlest one is a bit of a nightmare at the moment, she's a bit rough, and bloody heavy too.

    I've also found a new favourite place - have a large beanbag chair in the bedroom and can curl up with my laptop, classical music, an oil burner and get away from the kids and the telly. Which is nice.

    Have also started CBT via a phone based service (thank you socialist health system), which I'm giving a go. Starting off with behavioural activation to try and get me out of my fucking horrible lethargy. Got to be worth a try, been fighting exhaustion and total lack of focus for too long.

    There's still a lot of stress in the house though, partner is still very fraught, obsessed to a horrendous degree with conceiving again which I'm finding really, really tough to deal with.

    But, overall, there's a bit of optimism creeping back.


    And now I am hungry and want dinner.