Not signed in (Sign In)
    • CommentTimeNov 17th 2011 edited
    FUCK fuck fuck fuck fuck...

    Me and the fiancé started doing a Divemaster course two years ago, with an aim of having a professional diving qualification for when we got totally fed up and tired with the computer related work shit, and could bail out for a year of dive guide work somewhere. The year 2011 has been so shitty and exhausting that there hasn't been mental energy to do much of anything for that course. Now all of the stuff we've done for the course, all the assists on diving courses, theory lessons and everything, has now expired so we have to start from the beginning.

    I just heard that the dive center we've frequented in Egypt is looking for Finnish staff, specifically. I'm so fed up with my life in here I'd be ready to pull on the ejection seat handle in an instant - the only thing missing is that damn certification, and there's no way in hell I can get it any time soon. This was exactly the situation I went through the course, but now I've fucking failed it in the last leg.

    Gahh! Fuck this year with a rake.
    • CommentTimeNov 17th 2011 edited
    I had one of those moments today... I was sitting in Sävel, my favorite bar, reading a book and drink in some import beers like I do in 1-2 evenings every week. My eyes wandered to the wooden table. I started looking at the fibers of the wood, thinking about lignin, vascular tissues, cambium, phloem, the forces that pull water and nutrients up a tree for 20 meters...

    And I realized 15 minutes had passed and I got that chest bursting feeling about how wonderful the world is, and how beautiful KNOWLEDGE makes it. When I was studying paranormal crap when I was a teen, I was looking at stuff that was paper thin and unsatisfying, it never gave me any real answers or any deeper understanding of anything. It was hope-based, chasing vapors.

    I'm a religious person in my way, but it is in no way in conflict with science. The world is a wonderful place, when you take your time to learn about it. Science makes even a worn bar table such a fucking wonderful thing it's almost corny.
  1.  (10342.83)
    @vornaskotti - That just made me terribly happy.
  2.  (10342.84)
    Thanks Rachael. I think my first moment like this was when I was 5-6 years old, when I used to read a lot about animals and nature, and especially these popular easy astronomy books suitable for that age. I was in the countryside, lying on my back on a wheelbarrow on a summer day and just looking at the sky - and then I got this utterly paralyzing understanding, like total internalization of the fact that I'm lying on top of a ball that's swinging around a burning ball of something and the atmosphere is very thin and everything is moving - got this vertigo cramp in my stomach and... well. I think that's when I put things in perspective for the rest of my life. And not trying to be glib here.

    I have a former colleague, now more of a pal, who has the same capacity of wondering about stuff and reading about science. The thing is, he's a quiet guy, dreadlocked band dude, and everybody thinks he's stoned all the time. He just doesn't have filters between him and the world. I've had to nudge him several times to get him from staring at a light bulb, or a dog, or something, and just wondering about it. :P
    • CommentTimeNov 17th 2011
    My life's not bad, at the moment. Bills are mostly caught up, work isn't terrible, we have food and Netflix and a working heater and a fuzzy kitty-cat and... it seems like the entirety of civilization is crumbling, right outside my peripheral. News about the Occupiers affects me more and more everyday. And that internet censorship bill... I've have spent my entire life convinced that the government and I had no reason to get acquainted. I am not big enough to matter. Oh, that state amendment to ban gay marriage, even though it's already illegal here? I probably should have voted against that... except that my one little vote wouldn't have swung the(I can't remember the exact percentage, but it's in this range, seriously) 80-90% voting for it. Lots of Bill Hicks ("You are free... to do as we tell you!") and George Carlin ("You have no choice. You have owners.") going around in my head.
    Feeling even more helpless than usual. I can't even remember to brush my fucking teeth in the morning, how am I supposed to make this world better?
  3.  (10342.86)
    I just got home after driving 3 hours round trip for what I assumed was going to be a 15 minute conversation. Last night I didn't believe her rationale for the break up. I know she was right there with me, so "not into you romantically" just smacked of bullshit. We had coffee and talked tonight and I at least believe that she believes it. If there was any hint of second thoughts, I'd be more upset. I'm bummed. She's making a huge mistake and I'm the worse for it. The relationship we would have had is the stuff of Legends. She actually admitted how amazing I am. Hard to argue with that (but then why the hell are you breaking up with me?!). After the 15-20 minute "why this isn't something that's going to happen" conversation we spent the next hour chatting and laughing and having a great time (albeit without as much hand-holding and flirting as before). It was nice to end things on that note. I don't know if I'll really be able to be friends with her or if every time I see her is going to re-open these wounds, but I do really like her and like having her in my life. Right now, I'm not in the mood to wallow. Instead I sleep. G'night you beautiful bastards.
    • CommentAuthorOda
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2011
    Recently I've managed to be labeled "not good enough" by some viking with long blonde hair and a beard again. Whom I've been in love with since May. But he was never in love with me. And then when he found out I had feelings, he said he didn't want to hurt me. And then he started treating me horribly, not even saying hello when we met. I followed him and asked why, he said mean things and made me cry, and he left, and I have not heard from him since, and I have not been out since, and this fall sucks so much to begin with. Season Affective whatever. Not been so suicidal for two years. Didn't need his kicking me when I was already down. Shit's been horrible for two months and I don't even have the energy to wallow much on the internet, which is probably a whole new low for me. He's in MY favourite bar with MY friends all the time, but they're more his friends, I can't go there again for forever. Can't drink at all really. I'd only hurt myself. More. Who past the age of 16 hurts themselves on purpose anyway?! So I just sit here. And watch bad tv series. And don't go out.

    Today I cried because Grey's Anatomy won't be airing again until January. That's... Yes. I disgust myself.

    I really just want to fall asleep and sleep until spring. Like, see you in April. I'd wake up happy and thin and have Christmas presents waiting for me.

    How does one just go on through the bloody shitstorm?
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2011
     (10342.88) my dj is back...I guess...he's not moving after all...and after being betrayed by a bunch of people around him, he seems to have realized who his real friends are. He made some comments about hanging out last night but I was in the middle of painting and wasn'tabout to stop for his bi polar ass.
    OHHH...yes..I painted. OOOOOOH I painted!!! I said fuck it, and pulled out what acrylics I have left, my one canvas, and just started painting. It ended up being a decepticon symbol on a weird swirly background. Much fun, and I'm going to continue working on it today. I've found if I don't try to be too controlled and precise, I can still make some pretty colors and not get pissed off at my lack of dexterity.
    i'll post pics once i get it finished. I'm debating on if I should give it to my dj or sell it. his birthday is coming up...i'm kinda pissed at him still...he hasn't verbally appologized to me, but he's been friendly and helpful and wanting to work again...I really don't know how to feel, or what to do right now...
    I could just sell it and use the money for more merch for my toy business...
    we've been doing crappy on sales this week. People want boxed toys right now...I've already sold through a bunch of my MIB toys, and have a bunch of really awesome, but loose transformers and G I Joe that are just not selling...

    I've decided to try to find fulfillment in my art and work. seems like everyone i meet out here is backstabbing someone else. Maybe it's just this bunch i've met here so far, but it seems the general theme of life is to get what you can and fuck everyone else...
    I've met like, one or two genuinely nice people out here, but they are usually too busy for the likes of me.

    also, been kicking some ass on Dynasty Warrior 6. It absolutely kills my hands every time but some games I can still grit my teeth through the pain and play...if it's not too intense... now that my dj is no longer sleeping on my couch, i can have my living room in the early morning while my husband and kids are still sleeping (or at school). I am in a half way decent mood for the first time in a while...i guess i'm riding on that creativity high still :)
  4.  (10342.89)
    @Vornaskotti - that was your very own Carl Sagan moment right there, when you posted that. Made my day, for one thing. Thanks.
  5.  (10342.90)
    Alright Jesus fucken Christ if I'm on here at this hour I've gotta say it - this week has been Hell. I think the meds are actually interfering more than they're helping now. I think this is because while I was diagnosed with and medicated for depression what I actually have is bipolar. Bad manic phase this week, picking fights with online strangers for no discernible reason, fuck all sleep, the bad jitters. Mad thoughts and epic dreams. Got a lot done! In some ways had a ball. It's sort of like gaining 30 IQ points and a Berserk powerup, except that what's required of you then is to make breakfast for the children, resleeve 25 years worth of negatives, try not to say or do anything that you'll later regret, fix the VW again, make dinner for the family, clean up, get some sleep.

    I think I need new meds. Stabilisers not antidepressants. Anyone here on lithium? Are the side effects as bad as they used to be?
  6.  (10342.91)
    @oda - Sorry to hear about your pain. And SAD... not a helpful thing up there in the frozen north. I don't have anything to share beyond mutual pain. It sounds like your viking is a dick and in the long run you're well rid of him. Although the short run is probably going to suck.

    @Pooka - I'm glad to hear your DJ is back, but I'd urge caution. If he hasn't even apologized and he's feeling abandoned by a bunch of people, he may just be taking advantage of you. Try not to set yourself up to get hurt again if he decides to leave/turn on you again.

    @Kay - It sounds like you know what you need to get yourself sorted. That's a great start. Hopefully you have the means to make that happen.
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2011 edited
    @oda I think you should respond to Stupid Viking Guy Who Has No Class the only way Stupid Viking Guys Who Have No Class understand: Battleaxe.

    This week...phew! Lots of good and lots of crazy. The only problems have been dealing with my father, who seems to have done enough working out to bring him in to that phase of "superior douche" that a lot of people go on. He's been annoying his overweight friends, bugging my mom and made a few comments about my weight that forced me to just walk away (Refused to believe that I was anything under a shirt size of XL [I'm a Medium]. Mom had to step in and confirm). I know it's only a phase that the recently converted to fitness go through, but it's just getting annoying.

    The past week has been filled with mini emergencies for work which have made me half-insane. Nothing huge, just press releases to write up and send out to National media within 15 minutes, Having one hour to find a post-processing shop to dub a ten-minute tape, and having very little time to run to my house, grab my video camera and run back downtown just in time to film a rehearsal that, sad to say, I got kicked out of. Keep in mind, I like these kinds of things and they keep me interested. Just with all that and my natural tendency to worry about fucking up leaves me a LOT more fatigued than usual. Plus with all these emergencies I ended up not being able to go to boxing at all this week. I miss punching people.

    Otherwise things have been great. No one is screaming for my blood (wait is that good), I have money for Christmas/Birthday presents for the next month and I've got Alan, who has been amazing. I'm also thinking of setting up a thread on here inviting people to a night at C'est What (wonderful pub) for my Birthday (the day is the 4th, but drink'll have to be the 3rd).

    With Alan (and I hope he's okay with me posting about him), we've been e-mailing quite a lot and working out how to see more of each other. I like that we're already showing a commitment to do that, which is putting me more at ease over the whole distance situation. Kind of sucks as I'm spending this weekend at home in my underwear watching cartoons and him as a plus one would be amazing, but we're working through it and I'm feeling good about it.

    And good LORD, being involved with a writer is wonderful. 9 hour drive away and he can make me smile like an idiot and blush with a single e-mail.

    Tonight I am at some point meeting up with a friend and I'll be heading to barVolo to try out BrewDog's TOKYO Imperial Stout with an 18.5% ABV. At $22 for a single bottle here, I couldn't totally justify it, but I got a paypal donation through the Thirsty Wench that made it possible.

    And then, underwear and cartoons.
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2011
    That viking dude is certainly a jerk you don't need to associate with, but I know having mutual friends makes it tough. I've been going through a similar situation lately, a boy I love who won't talk to me, and who is friends with most my friends. It sucks.
    In my case I told the boy flat out that I refuse to let his presence keep me from doing things I want to do, and if he was any kind of grown up he would at least attempt to not make things awkward around our mutual friends who don't deserve to have to pick sides. Luckily, the message seemed to get through enough for him to not attack me or pretend I didn't exist the last time I saw him. It still hurt a lot to see him being all cuddly and kissy with his new girl, but at least I had real friends there to distract me.
    I know that's not the sort of thing that works for everyone, and you have to deal with the situation how you feel is best. If that means avoiding him, that's completely understandable. But I would encourage you to try and spend some time with people that are actually good and that actually matter. The more time you spend with people that are good, the less you'll be bothered by the ones that are jerks.
    Also, sometimes crying comes from silly things happens. Sometimes a cry gets pushed out by something that doesn't matter at all, because you just need to cry about something, whether you're even thinking about it at the time or not. This is nothing to be ashamed of. It is necessary and healthy.
    I hope you feel better soon.
  7.  (10342.94)
    Trying to hook up two friends of mine. I'm really hoping it goes well for both of them. The girl is wonderful and chill (and a model) but keeps ending up with dead beat guys who treat her like dirt. The guy (not a model but could be) really nice, got out of a very long relationship not too long ago where the girl toward the end wasn't being supportive and frankly was a shallow cunt at him. He is a GREAT guy. They both are relaxed with much the same sense of humor, in love with a ton of the same old video games (and transformer obsessed)
    I'm just crossing my fingers they hit it off. They both could use someone good. If nothing else I know he will make the girl feel good about herself for how ever long she'll let him.

    I'm not sure whats going on with me but i've been dreadfully dizzy all day. Enough water, food and no caffeine. Just not sure whats the cause. I honestly thought I was going to pass out on my model. She however fell asleep in the chair and almost got poked in the eye.
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2011
    I don't like posting in the (Formerly SN)OM more than once. I do kinda miss it only being open for a limited time; I don't know why, but it felt different letting it out then.

    I think I'm right at the downward slant, about to fall over into a really really rough patch where I will question the point of even existing. It feels the same every time. And my sinus problems are coming back, after maybe a year or two of seasons changing and nothing being set off. So that's not helping. But we have no money, again. I was barely able to buy what groceries we absolutely needed. I'm starting to get that paranoia where I think no one cares about me, much less acknowledges my existence. I just keeping getting mad, mostly at myself for feeling bad. I'm hating that I'm even putting this stuff into text. I am just a bother to each and every one of you by writing this, I'm absolutely sure of it. It's probably not true; there's a book about cognitive therapy on the bookshelf that wants to get that point across to me right now. But it's hardwired. I can't shake it. My life is a fucking mess and it's my fault and I shouldn't subject anyone else to my misery, it's plain and fucking simple.
  8.  (10342.96)
    @oda: Stop falling in love with vikings!

    @brittanica: Stop beating yourself up!
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2011 edited
    A fooking hell!!! Bloody 2.30 a.m in the stinking morning and i know that's me done with the old sleep thing for the night.Fook shit bolox crap.

    (Pause for dramatic effect,right hand supporting head,massive frown on forehead,anxiety throbbing through body,one leg in bed,torso crouched over laptop,a grimace on me mug that scares all,fighting the urge to turn all planetary defence grids around and initiate code scorched bloody earth,feeling paranoid because let's face it what i am writing is just a load of shit,would bell the woman but can't handle her voice screaming down the phone like a pile up on the interstate of insomnia,would go for a walk in the depths of West London but fear i would end up in the cells for possession of free will,just looked up and saw the word viking and aghh i'm a mean old irish viking bastad,staring at absolutely nothing in teen angst existential shitedelia mode with one nicotine stained finger hovering over poxy keyboard,moan moan moan whine whine whine,love love love hate hate hate,ying and yang,ping pow poo,with a hey diddle diddle on me pathetic little yiddle,does bigfoot eat crisps? Of course the sad ol' bastad does because it's his choice,getting more demented by the bloody second,i could do this nonsense till the end of time so will stop!)

    It's not easy,eh?

    Going to make a brew,smoke a fag and check out the innards of everyone's minds.

  9.  (10342.98)

    Well today clinches the last five or so years of my life have done nothing but create debt, failure, and harm people.
    And because I am that fucked up The first person i still wish I could talk to at is one person I want nothing to do with.

    No idea what to do next. Weekend in bed on legal mood altering drugs. Ativan and ambien cocktail. Start over again Monday.

    Comments not needed, just nowherevelsevto say this.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 18th 2011 edited
    @ TechnocratJT: Hang in there.As you said Ativan is a legal drug but from personal benzodiazapine hell it is not a drug to be taken lightly.I was addicted to it myself in the early eighties and have seen it cause more bad than good.

    As you said "Comments not needed" so i will wind up yet please take care.Good luck for Monday.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2011
    @ kay Orchison:This is just my opinion.I know people on Lithium.It's not a substance to let anyone influence you as to take.I believe if you truely "needed" it you would not be able to construe a simple sentence.You would probably not be able to get out of bed or would be doing extreme acts of madness on the streets.

    Olanzapine(Zyprexa(TM),Olansapiin etc is a far less dramatic mood stabilizer.I have used it now and again.Yet with all these meds it can have unpleasant side effects.

    Available in the states and the uk.

    I'm off to yet another NA meeting..Bugger.