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  1.  (10342.101)
    @Flecky -thanks. That's what I remember about lithium. It's serious shit. Once-powerful minds, having totally lost it, fat and drooling on the psych ward with the spastic jitters and foam on their lips, saying "Lithium and Haldol mate, if they want to give them to you then claw your own face off with a fork instead, it's not worth it." . Will take questions regarding your recommendations to the interview with the new shrink.

    I do need help. I can't sleep. I hold it together when the kids are awake. Need better meds.

    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2011
    @Kay Orchison I can relate. I'm bipolar too, and I was misdiagnosed with depression. They put me on antidepressants and it made me really sick and dizzy. I decided I was better off weathering through my down times myself. I've found that if I can get a mild sedative, for when the anxiety and the BAD get too much, that I can get through the really bad parts, and work my way back into the relatively happy, productive periods. Hell, the last month or so of my posts should show the recent pattern of my lows and recent upswing...
    I've noticed something. A lot of bipolar folk are fairly intelligent and frequently have a lot of physical ability. ( I can do normal in public...although I tend to not care as much if people think i'm crazy...) I can't spell for shit and I've addled my brain with years of weed and anxiety, but I've tested above average and used to be in perfect shape, with lots o skills yo. (stupid...frustrating arthritis). I've known quite a few bipolar folk and their generally the same way...maybe it's just how we're wired...

    I am staying cautious with my dj...I'm fairly sure that if I schedule the event and he confirms that he is going to work it with me, then he'll not go back on his word regardless of how our personal relationship goes. He likes to claim he takes his business seriously and sticks to his commitments...I guess we'll see. When I sit down to talk to him about business I'm going to explain to him that if he ignores my requests and requirements again then I'll just have to find someone else.
    I'm hoping that his lack of a verbal apology is because he just hasn't found the right time...
    I'm also hoping that I can get a hold of the manager of the bar I want to use for my show. I'm getting kind of irritated that both the places I've contacted haven't answered my inquiries.

    Also...since my dj is back in our group of friends, we're starting to roleplay again. Yes, I'm thirty one and I roleplay...we're even working on our own system we want to create a couple books for ( My business friends R D Hall and Scottie Watson said they'd help once we get things put together! YAY! I love those guys!)
    Today we're getting back to our Transformers game. My husband is such a masterful story teller. We're all so addicted to his stories! Currently I'm playing three different characters in our game. An ancient superscientist (who recently learned she was far older than even she knew...technically she ended up being Kali, the creation and destruction goddess...crazy stuff), the sister to Optimus Prime, and one part of an autobot combiner, who winds up an elite gaurd sniper with the autobot military...woot. Fun stuff...hehe

    also...painting again. I worked a bit on this decepticon painting. Its been fun because I don't have many shades of paint left, so I'm having to work with what I have.
    I'm trying to let my anxiety and frustrations out on the canvas. It seems to be working. I've been more at peace these last couple of days than I have been in a long time. It could just be because the air is beginning to clear with my friend, but I think that a lot of it is the sense of being productive again. I'm still hesitant to feel proud of my skills. I know my dexterity has been reduced tremendously. I can't paint for shit compared to what I used to be able to do...but everyone who's seen me work on it has said it was we'll see. I figure if nothing else, I can make a few prints to sell at botcon next year. Oh yeah...we've made plans to have a booth at the transformers convention this year. So any tf fans out there will have a chance to meet and make fun ofme :P.

    My step daughters want me to come speak to their art club on the 8th. I'm pretty tickled. I told them I'd dig out some of my old colored pencil art and I'd bring my painting/paintings (I'm planning to do an autobot symbol after this one). I'm so proud of the kids. Technically every adult in their lives has been an artist and they grew up in a comic book store so it's no great shock. :)
    I'm thinking about seeing if they want to do some artwork for my charity auction. It might be a fun project...

    gosh...i need to stop rambling now...i'm hungry...
  2.  (10342.103)
    Thanks Pooka. Sounds like you've found a system that works. You're sounding much more positive. I have to say I'm scared to try weathering the down times unmedicated because of a close call the last time I tried.

    I edited my previous post just now to remove much of the mad drunken rambling. I was a touch sunstruck and then there was beer, and possibly vodka.

    It got really hot here in Sydney yesterday, high 30s I think, and our split system air conditioner has been broken since before we moved in over a year ago. A repairer who I called in for a quote said the main PCB was fried and a replacement would cost $1,000 - which we don't have and the landlord has said she won't spend. Air conditioning is not an essential service so it'd be hard to argue that she's in breach of contract.

    So yesterday I turned off the power to the aircon circuit, waited half an hour for the dangerous voltages to discharge, then got up there in the blazing sun, took a round of reference photographs of the wiring and pulled the board. There's a lot of oxide on it and a bunch of resistors that are obviously baked, plus one fusible resistor that looks OK but tests open. I spent $9 on parts and a tube of heatsink paste and am hopeful that half an hour with a soldering iron might get us out of the woods. I'm not a sparkie but I figure the worst that can happen is that I screw it up, the board stays broken, and the RCD on the circuit trips when I put it back. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

    So then I decided to celebrate my ingenuity with a bucket of beer, cleverly. At some point during the drinking I took my medication (always a good move) and became both nauseous and teeth-grindingly wound up, and apparently started posting nonsense here. Apologies to all, and thanks for the kind words. I'll be hitting up the clinic for an appointment on Monday and staying off the piss in the meantime.

    • CommentTimeNov 19th 2011
    I met @Will Ellwood today for a quick beer while he was on a book-shopping mission in Nottingham, his job and girlfriend have eaten into his WC posting duties, but I can confirm he is still extant. We had time to swap a few stories before he had to jump on a train back to the dark lands of Leicestershire, but it was great to see him again all the same.

    There are now tentative talk on twitter of a cross Atlantic/Arctic meet up with me, @will, @icelandbob and @Oldhat for next year, all we need to do is find a pub capable of containing all that awesome. And a well stocked pub it would have to be, too.
  3.  (10342.105)
    I am having a day of weepy tears. This happens whenever I got myself new MRIs or something and start to look at them. Comparing them to references MRIs. ANd breaking and crying out of how fucking tired and broken I am because it DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. Because if any of my family that was supposed to protect me or help me had bothered to care when I suddenly went crosseyed at age 19, if anyone had payed mind to my complaining of being in pain since I was 14 instead of blaming me for it, if anyone had cared to notice that having joints that pop and crack and hurt at age 10 is something worth looking into, if anyone had brought me to a proper doctor when I started getting tendonitits and a constant limp when I was 13..... Well, I might be able to do things like draw or fucking READ or not have wasted my entire 20's and now half of my 30's on fighting for health coverage and battling doctors for answers and doing it all on my own.

    I wanted to leave the country. I wanted that over ten years ago. Now everyone is married, and I hurt all the time, and really, all I want to do now is nest. I'm watching the life I wanted slip away. I've hardly read, I've hardly drawn, I've hardly done a thing but be paralyzed in fear and doubt, afraid of what my body will take from me next, not wanting anything to be too enjoyable, for fear of feeling it's loss. Probably why I have no sex life.

    Fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck.

    Also, I'm probably failing out of school because I'm too afraid to start trying to catch up on all the classes I'm so behind on due to Disabilty services not getting my my books until the semester was 2 months in. But school is the only way I have health insurance until I am eligable for Medicare. Y'see, even if you are deemed Disabled by the state, you still have to wait a probationary period of a year or two before they will give you health coverage.

    I hate everything.

    I just keep thinking of the best case scenario, and that best case scenario involves me finally getting the surgery I need. But I'll still have all the damage. My vision will still be fucked, my joints a mess of pain, and I'll be going through this process all on my fucking own.

    I don't have anybody. And that's the worst part of all this. I've nobody to cry to. Nobody that will be waiting and worried.

    I've got no real relationship with my family. My dad invited me for Thanksgiving, but that's just for show because of extended family being present. my stepmother unfriended me on Facebook, and trashes me to my half sister, who really seems to despise me. My mother is an insane Narcissist who cancelled my health coverage, but now emails me weekly telling me about how much she wants to be part of my life, ignoring the fact that I've made it clear that I want nothing to do with her. The one person I had in my life, the one human I saw in meat space on a regular basis and who actually called and visited to make sure I was ok, well, he's the person who betrayed my trust and broke my heart so severely that it TRIGGERED MY YEARS of BRAINSWELLING.

    I like you, my internet friends. And you've helped me immeasurably. And I've got roommates now, and people to chat with sometimes. But christ.

    How did I get this fucking alone? I'm so amazingly alone when it comes to the bleeding flesh underneath.

    I'm broken. And bleeding. And I am afraid I'm going to explode into sobs accidentally, very soon.
  4.  (10342.106)
    Dear @Rachæl Tyrell

    I don't know if I (or anyone) can tell you anything that will make you feel better, but let me try by saying: I'm sorry. I know what it is to be so alone and to sense that the world is nothing but a big black hole of dispare. I wish I could tell you it's not, that the world is good and things will be fine, but I can't. This world is fucked up and all we have to save us from it is each other. Cheesy, I know, but I really believe that. Not in the human race in general, but I believe in individuals, in people like you and me, in people that share some of the same interests and sensibilities.

    I guess what I'm trying to say is: we're here for you. Any time you what, whenever you need, don't be afraid to ask for help or for a shoulder to cry on. I'm in Brazil, problably 20 thousand miles away from you, but I'm also right here. As Stephen King once said, "we're togheter, we're having a meeting of the minds".

    Be as safe as you can.

  5.  (10342.107)
    @ Kay, Pooka, & Flecky -

    Regarding stabilizers, well, I'm not saying this is the answer, and I'm suspect of herbalists in general even though I believe it's a better approach than the drug industry in theory, in practice the natural remedy market is mostly comprised of hucksters and charlatans. Anyway... So I found this article: Make of it what you will. If you aren't currently taking anything, and you aren't turning away necessary medical treatment just to try alternative remedies, it's worth a shot, maybe?

    @ Leandro - Thank you very much for your kindness.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2011
    @Rachael Tyrell Thanks for the link. It's really interesting to me because I do have digestion problems as well. I think I'll look into this...
    • CommentAuthoricelandbob
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2011 edited

    I can't do much from here except give you a 3000 mile hug over the nets. Sometimes things just seem totally insurmountable with no solution presenting itself, but rarely is this the case. It only just feels that way.

    And with regards to your family, i think i've already said it before, but if they aren't willing to help and support you in a meaningful way then fuck them. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but we often waste too much of what is frankly very precious time on this earth worrying or trying to get the approval of others. don't be bitter or cut them out entirely but just go your own way and do your own thing

    Now just go out there and do excellent things to yourself and others...

    EDIT - Oh and with regards to myself, everything thing is on an even keel here. Things are pretty hunk dory. Carry on...
  6.  (10342.110)
    @icelandbob - Well, I had, for a long time, rather accepted that I wasn't supported or helped. That in itself isn't so painful. It's the pretending. It's showing up for Thanksgiving and having my stepmother smile to my face, have my father pretend that he engages with me more than twice a year, have everyone pretend that I'm part of a family that hasn't included me since I was a teenager. I've admitted to them that maybe my actions as a teen warranted my ostracizion, but they just deny that I'm set apart. But there are no photographs of me in their house, and I'm not ever inbvited to anything unless extended family is. It's also become too much to visit and now witness the glaring differences between myself and my half siblings, the gifts and concern they are saturated with, the help in life, and the success that has followed.

    I think I do have to cut them out completely. It's less painful. I can't bear to sit at dinner and be in pain, and know that I'm not supposed to talk about my health issues, because it makes my dad look bad in front of extended family. It's rather impossible to not be bitter. I was a good kid who never talked back and was supposed to be put ahead a few grades. My dad made me stop acting when I was 13, ignored me when I asked to see doctors, and laughed at me when I said I wanted to go to art school. My sister, an attitude-ridden snotty teen, started modeling at age 13 with full support and is now acting in films. I have been abandoned, and nobody wants to admit it. I'd rather not live as part of a family farce. I am the stereotypical "lost" kid whose parents split early and started new lives. That's why my health was never looked after. Nobody was really paying attention. They continue to deny my health issues, because to admit that I AM terribly sick would be to admit personal culpability for not looking after me as a child or adolescent or young adult, when I'd asked for help. I don't belong. I may as well make it official.

    Because it just makes me cry, and it's never going to be something it isn't.

    But I really do thank you for your thoughts, icelandbob. Truly.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2011 edited
    @ Rachael Tyrell: Join the club.Your childhood sounds a bit similar to mine.It set me up for a lifetime of self destruction.My mothers side treat me like crap when i became addicted to heroin as a kid.I went to my grandmothers homeless,sick as hell on a freezing saturday night and she turned me away.I hadn't done anything wrong.When she died i smirked at my mother and felt nothing.I couldn't even find it in me to go through the farce of the funeral and that just made that crap side of my family judge me more.

    When my legs gave way earlier this year i turned to my sister,who lives in Canada,for a bit of support.The cold bitch didn't want to know.So all i feel now is fuck her.The cow seems to hate my mom who raised us in poverty in the north of England.My mother drove my father away to Australia when i was three.She raised me to hate him.Being in a single family in the 1960's was a big deal and when kids called my a bastard at infant school i used to go mental and usually smack them in the face.

    My childhood was fucked.I went from being top of my school at fourteen to a punk rock hippy fall out at fifteen because of false accusations spread about me involving a sick in the head girl. All this crap and more where the reasons,i guess,i got into drugs so easily.To fit in with the older cooler guys.

    They way i see family now is that at the end of of the day they are just people and if they don't like me for what i am then that's their problem.Trying to fit in with them all my life has been a stupid mistake.If they can't make a compromise then sod 'em.

    I've had a surreal fooking weekend.Saturday was a nightmare and last night my headfuck relationship with the woman seemed to come to a end.She lives quite far away and is in self pity mode.I guess the novelty of my "dangerous personality" has worn off.Fickle shit,eh? Guess i will see.Yet my patience is wearing thin.

    I crawled to a NA meet this morning and didn't have time to take my meds.I had to retreat into the toilet and let the poxy little pill melt in my mouth as i lay on the floor groaning and nearly shitting myself.Cool,eh?

    I've got hospital this week to be tortured with blunt instruments as they find out how fooked my liver is from hepatitus c.That should be a laugh,eh?

    The bullshit crap of xmas is coming and i've watched T.V for the first time in months and the adverts have just reminded me why i've come to hate it.
    To make matters even worse my dyslexia is playing up and as you can imagine it really hinders me when i'm writing my short stories.I suppose that's what the editing process is for but it still makes me cringe inside.

    Still,life goes on and i got you lot to pester for which i am really grateful.

    Thank you Whitechapel.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2011
    I'm out of my depth on this site.I've tried to partake in other threads but it's just pointless.Yeah, i feel sorry for myself and the woman is freaking trying to dump me with childish texts.Sod me up the arse hole with a huge camel dick.At least on this thread i can fist fuck reality drenched in monkey cum..
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2011
    @Rachæl I'm sorry. I wish I had something helpful to say.

    @Flecky Hang in there.

    I think my spleen needs venting.

    So, last night I was feeling lonely. It's such cuddly weather out there, and I've been feeling so much in want of companionship. Maybe it's the time of year. It was a year and a week ago that I had my first kiss. Maybe that's part of why I'm feeling like this, too. I don't know. I probably don't really need an excuse.

    Anyway, I randomly decided to look at my ex's facebook briefly. I've done so in the past, but not too often in the last few weeks. I couldn't find it though. I thought he'd deleted it. I couldn't see him in other's friends lists, either. I mentioned it to my sister today, who is one of the 65 or so mutual friends we had on facebook, and she told me no, that she'd seen he was online yesterday. I guess he blocked me.

    This really shouldn't bother me so much.

    But I just don't feel like I deserve the treatment I've gotten from that stupid boy. With a few exceptions, I've been an adult about all of this, while he's been the one overreacting and being like a child. And even though I know he's not worth thinking about or wasting time over, I miss him and want so dearly to just be on friendly terms. No matter how much I tell myself I can't allow him to hurt me anymore, all I want and all I've been wishing for is for us to just be friends again. And every time I think that maybe, someday, I'll be able to go where he is without feeling like I'm going to burst into tears, he does some other unnecessary thing to push me farther away. Every time I start to feel okay, he does something to remind me that there is a human being out there who wants nothing more than for me to be miserable.

    This shouldn't even be one of those things. I shouldn't have even noticed.

    If you would have asked me 6 months ago about my biggest regret, I would have told you about a friend I had from 3rd grade to high school. She chose to be my friend when she moved into my town, despite being told flat out by our peers that this would mean she would not have any other friends. That girl saved my life in so many ways. Then, for a long time, things were the same. We did have more friends though, after a while. In high school, I had a massive crush on one of them. Then the boy I had a crush on came out of the closet our sophomore year, and I was devastated. I said some awful things to her and to him. That stupid hatred and lack of understanding that I was taught all my life came out, and I lost my dearest friends for it. I'm friends with that girl on facebook now, but not really in any other way. Same with the boy.

    I still hate myself for that, and all these years later can't forgive myself. But I don't know if it's my biggest regret anymore. I also hate myself for falling in love with that boy that's been going out of his way to block me, for letting myself be so stupid as to let him hurt me so badly.

    I have a hard time letting go of people when I know it's happening, but I'm terrible at keeping friends. I'm awful about calling and checking in on people, and I know I need to do better but I just don't even know how to go about it. My best friend is on a Mormon mission right now. She left in August. I put my first letter to her since she left in the mailbox this afternoon. She's the only person that's not family I've ever been so close to and not completely fucked things up with.

    My ex is easily the person that knows me better than anyone in the world right now, even after being separated since summer. I just wish he was an innocent third party and I could go to that person for advise and help. Obviously can't do that. Since my best friend is off on a mission I can't really turn to her. And my sister I'm living with has gotten sick of me wallowing about this stupid boy.

    I just want someone to hug me and tell me everything will be okay, even though it's not. I can talk about this to anyone, and basically I do, through my art if nothing else. But I want to talk to someone who actually knows me and really cares. There just aren't a whole lot of those people left in my life.
    • CommentTimeNov 20th 2011
    I'm really worried about my dad. I'm really worried about a lot of things in my life. How to make it all work, how to be disciplined about it, how to make money so I can actually be an adult instead of just being old. How to organize myself and my shit so I go where I need to go and be a reliable person for other people.... I desperately want to be the one helps other people instead of getting their help.

    But I'm really really worried about my dad. He needs strong meds to deal with his arthritis pain, but the strong meds are damaging his kidneys. He needs round the clock care from us.... I'm just really fucking worried.
  7.  (10342.115)
    @razangel - Try giving him large doses of Milk thistle daily. I'm suspect of herbal remedy, but it does have a few uses I stand by. I'd a friend who nearly OD'd, and was on the brink of kidney failure. After a month or so of heavy doses of Milk Thistle, her kidneys were functioning perfectly, to the amazement of her doctors. Research it, but I've never heard of any sort of conflict of interactions. It might help things.
  8.  (10342.116)
    @Rachæl - thanks for the info. An interesting perspective, particularly in light of the fact that the dietary intolerances mentioned are known to run in my family. I'll take it to the shrink for discussion. Got an appointment for next week.

    I tried to post this morning but couldn't think of anything remotely lucid to say regarding your predicament. What I've come up with tonight might not be up to snuff either, but I'll give it a throw. I'm reading a neurology text at the moment that confirms that a lot of what I knew went through as a child - I was a what the author calls a midnight resurrection, someone who recovered from supposedly irrecoverable brain damage - was real, and exactly how I remember it. Despite my current difficulties, the hardest thing for me right now is that history. There's a despairing kind of self pity that beckons when I begin to accept just how long the climb out of Hell has been, and when it begins to take hold it rapidly becomes a millstone around my neck making the climb ahead of me seem impossible.

    We have both fought hard and long already and there is a fight yet ahead.

    What keeps me moving is the knowledge that while in myself I feel weak; while I look at neurotypical folk and the lives they take for granted and the judgement they heap on anyone who fails to effortlessly succeed to their standards and I feel like a failure; what I really am is strong beyond measure. They have walked up the meadow to their sunny hilltop. I have crawled up a million miles of burning sulfurous volcanic vent to reach the base of the same little hill and they judge me for not reaching the summit yet.

    Damn them. We both will, you and I, and when we do we will shine.
  9.  (10342.117)
    Dear Kay - You are fucking awesome. I am going to put on my stompy boots and go into the world for social things! BWA HA! FUCK YOU WORLD!
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011 edited

    Do a little research before the milk thistle thing. Depending on what your dad has (I know you've mentioned but I can't remember :[ ) there are a number of drugs that milk thistle can interact with, not least of all Coumadin (also known as Warfarin). It interacts with just about EVERYTHING and it's a common drug for cancer patients to be on as well as older people and some diabetics. It's a blood thinner and most docs prescribe it.

    Also for reference, Coumadin/Warfarin (same thing) interacts with FUCKING EVERYTHING. Even some foods.

    From this website, the website for the University of Maryland Medical Center (but corroborated on a number of more jargony websites. Pasted from UMMC for use of non-doctor language. Jargony version here.).

    If you are being treated with any of the following medications, you should not use milk thistle without first talking to your health care provider.

    Antipsychotics -- includes butyrophenones (such as haloperidol) and phenothiazines (such as chlorpromazine, fluphenazine, and promethazine)
    Phenytoin(Dilantin) -- a medication used for seizures
    Halothane -- a medication used during general anesthesia
    Birth control pills or hormone replacement therapy
    Milk thistle may interfere with the following medications, because both milk thistle and these medications are broken down by the same liver enzymes:

    Allergy drugs -- such as fexofenadine (Allegra)
    Drugs for high cholesterol -- including statins such as lovastatin (Mevacor, Altocor)
    Antianxiety drugs -- including alprazolam (Xanax), diazepam (Valium), and lorazepam (Ativan)
    Antiplatelet and anticoagulant drugs (blood thinners) -- including clopidogrel (Plavix) and warfarin (Coumadin)
    Some cancer drugs
    Drugs broken down by the liver -- because milk thistle works on the liver, it may affect drugs broken down by the liver, of which there are many. Speak with your health care provider.

    - The girl who researches drugs and diseases all day at work. For money.
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
    Thanks Rachael, Thanks dorkmuffin. I don't know anything about milk thistle and my dad is on such a battery of drugs (85 years old, arthritic, gouty, asthmatic, has had polyps in his lower intestines and colon and more) that I wouldn't want to mess with it. The doctors are having a hard enough time keeping the system playing nice. Is milk thistle supposed to aid kidney function?
    • CommentAuthorFlabyo
    • CommentTimeNov 22nd 2011 edited

    I take it sometimes when my Gilbert's Syndrome is making me look particularly yellow around the gills. (I still go with the name Gilbert's Syndrome, cause 'familial benign unconjugated hyperbilirubinaemia' is difficult to say). Still not entirely sure if it's placebo effect, because there's not really been much study of Gilbert's as its considered medically 'benign'. It doesn't feel bloody benign to me sometimes, blech.