2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/ Lussumo Vanilla & Feed Publisher http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316261#Comment_316261 2011-11-21T01:58:17-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Horrible Warning Si http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1223

Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough ...

Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316269#Comment_316269 2011-11-21T03:17:38-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Fauxhammer http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27

GREETINGS KOMMISSAR I had an honest-to-god panic attack yesterday. I did not want. We're hosting the Thanksgiving meal this year, and we're moving offices the day before. I think I'm ...

I had an honest-to-god panic attack yesterday. I did not want.

We're hosting the Thanksgiving meal this year, and we're moving offices the day before.

I think I'm reaching misery saturation, with regard to the news.

That Kindle project I've been yapping about for months is nearing completion; the raw files are with our own T3xtur3 for perusal, and he's been good enough to favor us with a foreword. With any luck it'll be out by Christ's Mass.

I'm reaching my limit. I'm stretched thin, and I don't know what's going to happen when things go "pop".]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316270#Comment_316270 2011-11-21T03:29:51-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

@ Horrible Warning Si: Thank you for the service my good man. A new week.Got me some killing to do.Got some heads to rip off and plough my stinking despair into as the shite of reality dares to ...

A new week.Got me some killing to do.Got some heads to rip off and plough my stinking despair into as the shite of reality dares to interfere with my disturbed perverted and sick and awful and dangerous and nasty and smelly outlook on it all.

Gonna kill any fooking midget that looks at me.On the phone to the woman trying to stop me from laying one on a twisted prison addict creep from Narcotics Anonymous.

Bastids!!!]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316281#Comment_316281 2011-11-21T05:21:36-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Pooka http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=216

i found out my old chiropractor died in a hunting accident...that really sucks. He was one of the few doctors out there that was more concerned with helping people than he was making money. When ...

good man...good doctor...he helped us poor broke ass scholiosis riddled kentucky college kids..

blerg...still haven't gotten my apology. my husband said that if my dj doesn't apologize to me soon, then he's done with him. geez...the drama...
gonna do me some painting today. I've decided I'm gonna finish my decepticon painting and move on to an autobot symbol. My nerd friends want prints...so I guess it's turning out alright. We'll see what comes of it...i'll post pics when i'm done and you professional types can tear a new whole in my horrid little ego...or boost my silly self esteem up a bit..
we'll see what's what.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316294#Comment_316294 2011-11-21T07:47:04-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Alan Tyson http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299

Something strange happened in my left wrist last night, and it feels like one minute I didn't have carpal tunnel, the next minute I did. It's better this morning (thank you a thousand times, ...

In the meantime, I'm gonna do the YMCA dance. It's helping.

No, really.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316305#Comment_316305 2011-11-21T09:46:32-08:00 2011-11-21T09:47:37-08:00 Will Ellwood http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2556

[16:45] Well it has been a long time, hasn't it? It has, there's no avoiding that, and I'm sorry that it has been so long. There have been some major changes in my life since my last open mic ...

Well it has been a long time, hasn't it? It has, there's no avoiding that, and I'm sorry that it has been so long. There have been some major changes in my life since my last open mic confessional. Right now I am sitting in a Cafe Nero on my Sunday-that's-really-a-Monday trying.

The first major change is that I now have a girlfriend, a wonderfully smart & beautiful PhD student who provides me with literary and cultural studies books to read and talks to me about time and museums. We've been together properly since the start of October, but as with most good things in my life the chronology is wibbly wobbly and not at all clear. For sure, September was an interesting month for the two of us with her travelling to Sweden for an academic conference for a week and both of us not quite sure what was happening. She's called Jenny, and Sneak046 met her last Saturday in Nottingham's The Old Salutation. (Also in Page 45 completely by accident when Sneak recognized me from behind because of my hair.)

Since September, and the publication of a short story in Flurb, I've also had a pretty horrific case of writer's block. This isn't related to Jenny, she's helped magnificently and put up with hours of complaining, and isn't really related to the brief job I held in September, although the tiredness associated with the job weren't . (I walked around the suburbs of a local town knocking on doors and asking people how they travelled. There are anecdotes from that job, but not many.) No, the writer's block hasn't really been writer's block. It's been a lack of confidence and poor time management. It's only today that I'm getting to even write a confessional piece because I worked yesterday and I've made the effort to head into town early before meeting Jenny. She should be here soon. Let's hope she'll buy me another cup of coffee before we head back to here for dinner and Napalm Death.

The second major change is that I have a more permanent job. It is only temporary until February, unless a permanent contract is offered, and because the company I'm working for is reasonably smart I've signed bits of paper that mean I can't talk about the specifics of what I do. The work is clerical in nature and involves sitting in front of a computer for eight hours a day, but really it feels as if I'm inside a Victorian prison cranking a handle whose only function is to slowly increment numbers displayed by a pointlessly heavy clockwork mechanism. This isn't a job that's enjoyed. You tolerate it and you numb yourself for the eight hours a day when all you can think about it turning the handle. Afterwards you do other things, almost anything, to avoid the hours you need to sleep so you can spend eight hours at mechanism for a wage.

It is a job so repetitive that it intrudes into your liminal sleep dreams. One Saturday morning I half woke up in Jenny's bed very confused and utterly convinced I was still doing the previous day's work. I managed to convinced myself everything was better by rolling over to face a sleeping Jenny and wake her with a kiss to the forehead.

So I still have writers block. Well something approximating it. Friends keep telling me I can write and that I shouldn't be afraid. I've just spent the last half hour or so tapping this out into my netbook while listening to David Bowie's Heroes. Maybe it is all in my head, a few months of poor time management and adapting to new circumstances that's just a passing phase. I don't know what's causing the readjustment back to feeling more linguistically limber. In the past couple of months stacks of literary theory have grown around my house. (I like bits of Marxist, Post-Modernism, Post-Structuralist and Genette's Narrotology. I like how they can contradict each other and still say interesting things. I outright out hate Psychoanalysis.) This reading has had mixed effects: it did contribute to my crippling self-doubt but at the same time it has given that doubt a more nuanced vocabulary. I now read/write with more awareness, and I know there is a major contradicting statement in this paragraph. A post-structuralist might suggest that this demonstrates the unconscious uncertainty of the text's position on the author's writer's block being fixed. I am aware that it is certainly unintended, but I am deciding to let it stay because I am uncertain. I don't see what the issue is and that maybe, just maybe, taking the time to write this reacquaintance with the best damn community on the Internet has proved more than helpful.

(I don't hate each sentence I've written or think it's absolutely illiterate garbage. Although I'm sure there are many goofs contained within what is effectively a zero draft written by someone who pretty much failed their GCSE English.)

I have just received a text message from Jenny. She's just leaving her office at the top of New Walk and is heading down into the centre of town to meet me where I'm sitting now. I think after she arrives I'll take her to see the Alice in Wonderland Christmas display in the square outside the town hall. I must be finished writing this. Yeah, I think I've finished.

Oh wait, here she is now with a bag of books and smiles. :)

[17:45]]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316312#Comment_316312 2011-11-21T11:16:01-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75

I'm still feeling like I need to take this weight loss thing seriously and really work on my self-control. Last week I hit a weight point that I've been trying to get back to for three months ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316329#Comment_316329 2011-11-21T14:13:05-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Osmosis http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=866

I ... I don't usually do this. I don't usually open up, and I don't usually tell this kind of a story. But it's to the credit of Whitechapel that I feel this is a judgement-free space that I can ...

I don't usually open up, and I don't usually tell this kind of a story. But it's to the credit of Whitechapel that I feel this is a judgement-free space that I can spout and vent and yes all that.

I have been feeling just so. Submerged. For weeks - really, a few months, now.

Again, I never like to talk like this, and I don't like looking up and seeing sentences beginning with I.

I asked a little while ago in the Can Haz Help thread about disaffection with the city where I live. That's one thing. Because I have made an effort - gone to comics gatherings, walked out in the woods, been to parties - and those things are great but you know it still gets on top of me. It's a kind of a claustrophobia, I think. It's like being here, I'm sort of aware of everyone who's around me. I know everyone gets to work on the tube and everyone hates it and all the rest, but just because other people put up with things doesn't always mean I can.

My job is turning out quite stressful. I don't know if it is a stressful job, objectively. I don't save people's lives, I don't lock up bad men who hurt people, I don't really do anything that's massively of value to the nation, but there's always another bunch of emails asking for things I haven't had time to do, and yes, I do waste some of my time at work chatting or drinking tea or checking Twitter, but most of the time I'm trying to do my best and I just can't do everything these people want.

And, in what I can only regard as a completely stupid self-smashingly masochistic manoeuvre, I have started a post-graduate degree part-time. It's in a subject I am completely interested in, an area I would happily read and write and think about with no compulsion, but now that I have tasks and objects and deadlines to meet, it's something I want to avoid. It's a stupid, self-defeating mechanism that seems to go beyond even simple procrastination into active self-sabotage. I can't understand why I can't make myself work harder and why I used to be able to do this and now I can't.

I get to the end of a working day and all I want to do is sit down and fall asleep for so long that I can forget about work and then I wake up and go back there.

I have had trouble getting to sleep. I wake up early and can't get back to sleep. I have been drinking way more than I ever used to. I have had days where I've not even got out of bed. I just don't know what's going on and why I can't get myself together.

So that's my massively self-indulgent rant and whinge. Look - I don't expect lots of responses because I know lots of people have lots more problems than I do right now. I'm employed, I'm studying something I'm into, I've even starting seeing a girl for Pete's sakes. I just can't figure out why none of this is making me feel happy.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316331#Comment_316331 2011-11-21T14:30:21-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Fauxhammer http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27

@Osmosis--not a damn thing wrong with feeling overwhelmed, man. You did the right thing by taking the initiative and speaking on it. I don't have much advice--please to see my post above for ...

I don't have much advice--please to see my post above for evidence on how well I cope--but sticking with each other is Whitechapel business.

We're here.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316336#Comment_316336 2011-11-21T14:51:38-08:00 2011-11-21T14:57:55-08:00 Alan Tyson http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299

@Osmosis Always. I've known that feeling before, man. I don't exactly have good advice for it - I've been very lucky in that, whenever I've lost connection with the earth under my feet, I've ...

Always.

I've known that feeling before, man. I don't exactly have good advice for it - I've been very lucky in that, whenever I've lost connection with the earth under my feet, I've been able to move on. Something that helps me, though, is to take little trips, even if it's just to a part of town you've never been before, even if it's not "your part of town." Newness is a cure for a lot of problems, and the only cure for what it sounds like you've got.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316347#Comment_316347 2011-11-21T17:19:14-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719

@Osmosis, oof. Also, and PLEASE tell me if I'm overstepping boundaries here, but what you're describing sounds eerily like depression. Now, I think that's understandable given all the stress ...

Also, and PLEASE tell me if I'm overstepping boundaries here, but what you're describing sounds eerily like depression. Now, I think that's understandable given all the stress you're under, but the consistently feeling overwhelmed/disaffected, stressed out is a classic symptom, and waking up early and not being able to get back to sleep is a textbook symptom of what's referred to as Major Depressive Disorder. I know because my shrink a few years back told me the same thing about my waking up early ALL THE TIME (which was SO VERY ANNOYING I could not STAND it!).

I mean, this may be welcome/unwelcome, news/not news, but take care of yourself. Also: take lots of vitamins (esp. vitamin D and all the B vitamins and iron), go for brief walks in the sun, make lists of tasks you personally need to accomplish, etc. Set small goals for yourself that are doable. It sounds like a lot, and it can feel like a lot, but it helps me feel like I have my shit in order.

Sometimes, yes, a change of scene is the most helpful thing you can do for yourself. However, just taking time to deal can also help you feel like your situation is less wildly out of control.

Hugs and a half, duder. Hugs and a half.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316352#Comment_316352 2011-11-21T18:40:18-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 brittanica http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2296

Sick. Horribly, horribly sick. Sinus infection, probably; I've been barely able to talk for 3 days now. I've had a day off today, so I've been selling books and DVDs to stave off a negative bank ...

Not much to talk about today. Looking forward to seeing my family on Thanksgiving, even though this time of year and the fact that we meet at my late grandmother's house make me sad. I miss my grandmother a great deal.

I wish you all well. I'm certainly guilty of feeling like my problems aren't worth mentioning, but every time I see ya'll say something like that, I just want to hug you and tell you that you matter. So, you know... you do matter.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316355#Comment_316355 2011-11-21T18:45:31-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719

Shut up, Britt (by which I guess I mean the opposite because I'm about to tell you your problems matter). Your problems matter. (Yeah I don't know where else I was going with that. But ...

Your problems matter.

(Yeah I don't know where else I was going with that. But seriously. See above)]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316357#Comment_316357 2011-11-21T18:53:52-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 brittanica http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2296

@dork :P (Thank you.)

:P (Thank you.)]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316363#Comment_316363 2011-11-21T19:08:44-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 allana http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019

I was suuuuuuuuper cranky after work yesterday. I am not used to three days of polite smiling in a row, not at all. But, I cleaned the fuck out of my apartment, had sex, finished a book, ate all the ...

Imminent laptop death is less-good. I've had this thing for five years, and while you might think that's just about long enough for a low-quality piece of electronics, I must remind you all that I am a Luddite of the first order and that nothing must ever be thrown out ever if it is in any kind of working condition. So... I drilled out the stripped screw that's been holding the base plate on for the past year, cleaned a dryer's worth of lint out of the fan, and am now thinking about finding a replacement fan and maybe redoing the wiring to it. I think also I need more memory.
My best friend went and got herself a Macbook Pro last week. I hate her I hate her I hate her, and I'm going to take her old laptop. It, too, is nearing death. Maybe I can work some Frankenstein shit and get myself in order. First, though, I have to deal with the ever-pressing new-cell-provider-only-has-$150-and-up-phones-that-I-hate problem. And the barely-fixed bicycle. And ... hrm. At least the shower still works.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316380#Comment_316380 2011-11-21T21:47:02-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Alan Tyson http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1299

@allana: I've known people who kept their old, crappy PCs running seven years or more, just by switching out shiny bits every couple of months. It'd definitely possible, and if you don't have any ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316393#Comment_316393 2011-11-22T00:31:37-08:00 2011-11-22T00:34:55-08:00 Cameron C. http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4226

[01] I've started taking preorders for my silly comic now: http://www.etsy.com/listing/86349444/scrambled-circuits-3 and despite having prior history to look at it still surprises me that people ...

http://www.etsy.com/listing/86349444/scrambled-circuits-3 and despite having prior history to look at it still surprises me that people (Especially returning customers) are interested and, even, seem enthusiastic about it. I'm working on a dedicated site for my Scrambled Circuits comics, away from the few (Hopefully not as few this year) non-SC comics I do. The site, basically, would just have every SC story put up there free to read in either issue format or chronological format. And, eventually, it will be a huge, sweeping comic story that will be awesome and stuffs.

[02] I think I really want a Kindle Fire. My work will have them for sale starting Black Friday. If they are on sale I will buy one (Cause I get my employee discount on top of even sales prices) otherwise I'll wait for another check or two to come my way.

[03] About three nights ago I came home from work and my brothers car wasnt in the back of the apartment but when I was going up the stairs I saw his light was on. I asked him where his car was. He was on the phone to our mother. He was in an accident on the way to his work. Three cars involved, no person injured seriously.

This is his car now, back at our apartment:
]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316439#Comment_316439 2011-11-22T14:27:06-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Greasemonkey http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625

On my third day without a smoke. Deep breathing helps immensely when the cravings get bad.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316455#Comment_316455 2011-11-22T15:56:50-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Cat Vincent http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=447

So, I got told by the judge that my reasons for a divorce were not adequate. First time ex-to-be's lawyer had seen such a rejection in 15 years. Which is such an honour, really. (Those grounds ...

really.

(Those grounds were: Neglect of the relationship, no sex in over 2 years, her being out of the fucking country 15 months of the last 3 years, trying to forcibly convert me to her new religion.)

Hoping a more detailed version will pass...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316477#Comment_316477 2011-11-22T19:08:43-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 DavidLejeune http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4220

How the hell do those not add up to 'irreconcilable differences?'

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316478#Comment_316478 2011-11-22T19:10:07-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6719

The judge is an asshole who believes divorce is an abomination? Because that's the only thing I can think of that would lead to someone making that decision.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316489#Comment_316489 2011-11-22T20:59:24-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Greasemonkey http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625

Jesus. What's her new religion, that she feels she has to force it on you?

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316496#Comment_316496 2011-11-22T23:24:25-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 government spy http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6088

Man, walking around a prison after midnight is creepy by itself, and then you hear noises where there shouldn't be noises, and you know it's not anything but it creeps you out anyways and then you ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316568#Comment_316568 2011-11-23T12:03:25-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 MrMonk http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6192

I went out at lunchtime and found that someone had keyed my car. I bought that car new exactly one year ago last Sunday. I saved up specifically for the down payment. I just had it washed and ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316570#Comment_316570 2011-11-23T12:14:49-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Vornaskotti http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6665

Cat Vincent: I'm... what... how... Shit, consider my mind boggled. That should be grounds for some kind of witness protection program, let alone divorce...

I'm... what... how... Shit, consider my mind boggled. That should be grounds for some kind of witness protection program, let alone divorce...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316573#Comment_316573 2011-11-23T12:28:00-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 razrangel http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=2075

Thanksgiving tomorrow. Dad has been bad sick since late October & we've had to take extra special care of him. I read up on kidney disease and everything points to it: sudden and acute urgency, ...

The gout and arthritis flare ups have always been scary. But the bitch about them is they may make a person wish for death but they only bring excrutiating pain. Organ failure, on the other hand, hurts, fucks you up, and finally (but I don't know how quickly) will kill you.

So I'm watching my dad suffer.

There's other stuff I'm trying to do but it's like white noise in the background. Who even cares about it?]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316582#Comment_316582 2011-11-23T14:52:19-08:00 2011-11-23T14:53:04-08:00 Cat Vincent http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=447

Thanks for the kind thoughts & bafflement, guys. @Greasemonkey - said 'new religion' is basically ayahuasca shamanism. After getting into it 5 years ago it just took over her life & she ...

@Greasemonkey - said 'new religion' is basically ayahuasca shamanism. After getting into it 5 years ago it just took over her life & she pretty much rejects any belief that doesn't involve necking organic DMT/MAOI on a weekly basis - mixed with bastardised Catholic ritual. Horrible thing is, I gave her complete support when she got into this, as it helped with all her other issues... and she turned into a fundamentalist.

(Now don't get me wrong - I'm not against drug use or the ritualization thereof. I do object when I'm told the only way I can get well/be a good person/get respect from my wife of 14 fucking years is if I join in - as her student/patient, of course.)]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316590#Comment_316590 2011-11-23T15:46:11-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Fauxhammer http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=27

Jesus, Cat. That's some bullshit.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316593#Comment_316593 2011-11-23T16:04:48-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Greasemonkey http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4625

Some bullshit indeed. People should keep their damned religion to themselves unless asked.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316595#Comment_316595 2011-11-23T16:09:52-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 texture http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=1472

@Cat Vincent Mate that judge's decision is just... ridiculous. I had no idea divorce law was that complex... what a fucking hassle man. Keep your chin up and struggle on! @ Will Ellwood ...

Mate that judge's decision is just... ridiculous. I had no idea divorce law was that complex... what a fucking hassle man. Keep your chin up and struggle on!

@ Will Ellwood

It's really, really nice to hear from you again Will. Commiserations about the writer's block. My own opinion - give the lit theory a rest for a bit, see if that helps. It's just my opinion, but I think there is nothing more instructive for writing fiction than reading the fiction you love, or immersing yourself in nonfiction for inspiration. Try switching it up for a bit, see what happens. I've suffered horrible periods of block and self-doubt (often when I was happy in my personal life, weirdly) - they only ever clear by giving myself space, and taking the pressure off. I've read your early stuff - it is SOLID. You will break through this. Keep trying, but let the pace set itself. Also, and I'm not kidding, if you haven't, definitely read Stephen King's 'On Writing.' I have the Kindle edition - I'll gladly email it to you on request. It's no-nonsense, block-breaking, practical advice about how to start, keep going, revise and finish. I'm no huge King fan, but the man knows his way around a manuscript. I've found it incredibly helpful and very motivating. And if I can offer any kind of help in terms of a person to hash this over with, let me know. I'm an email away. Big love bro!

@Fauxhammer

Sucks about the panic attack... I haven't had one (touch wood) in years, but they're no joke. Hope you're staying calm as possible and avoiding stress where you can. For the record, I'm about 60% through your manuscript and it is solid, really entertaining stuff that does clever, commercially viable things. That is hard to pull off man. Be fucking proud! What''s more there are sections which are just mind-blowingly, rock and roll AWESOME. You and Aaron have created something unique and thrilling. I'm enjoying the hell out of it. I'll have that intro, and some notes on the MS, very soon - just finishing off this term's Uni work, which will be all done by Friday. Soon come.

As for me...

I'm doing well right now. Balancing lots of different kinds of work (a novel, Uni assignments, music projects, development of my sites, and a bunch of other side stuff) and not stressing out too much... I have a tendency towards paranoia and panic when I feel entropy invading my systems, but I'm keeping it at bay with ridiculous work loads. Perhaps this will lead to an ulcer in later life? Right now I don't care. I love to work. I love to be busy.

I don't often follow this rule but I reckon... When things are good, say so, recognise it, share it. And when you need help, ask for it. One thing I love about Whitechapel is how everybody feels they can express / vent here in a non-judgemental way. I read this thread every month and think about you all, out there in the ether... Keep on keeping on people. Your bravery and the care you show each other is something to be fiercely proud of.

I fucking love you guys. And no, I haven't taken Ecstasy.... today. I'm not even drunk. So there.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316602#Comment_316602 2011-11-23T17:53:59-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 MrMonk http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6192

I learned today that someone I knew from years back jumped in front of a train. Never knew him well, but his is one more face that I won't see again. One of these days I will have something to ...

One of these days I will have something to write in the Vile Hugging Thread, but today is not that day.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316607#Comment_316607 2011-11-23T18:45:01-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Cat Vincent http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=447

MrMonk: Sorry for your friend.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316618#Comment_316618 2011-11-23T20:54:34-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 mister hex http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411

@ MrMonk - sorry to hear that, mate. @ Cat - sorry to hear that, mate. I am more depressed than I've been in more than a decade. If I get through this, I will basically be invincible. ...

@ Cat - sorry to hear that, mate.

I am more depressed than I've been in more than a decade. If I get through this, I will basically be invincible.

It's a big "if".]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316619#Comment_316619 2011-11-23T20:55:40-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 allana http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019

My landlord's having me evicted. I'm going with it, but I'm also going to take him for every penny he's got on the way out. Hey Patrick, wanna be roomies?

Hey Patrick, wanna be roomies?]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316620#Comment_316620 2011-11-23T20:59:49-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 mister hex http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411

@ allana - I'd rather murder your landlord. No offense to your fine self but to paraphrase Nelson Muntz - Gotta murder SOMEBODY." I mean "why, yes, I'd love to be your roomie."

I mean "why, yes, I'd love to be your roomie."]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316621#Comment_316621 2011-11-23T21:01:10-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 allana http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4019

It's not an either/or.

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316625#Comment_316625 2011-11-23T21:41:36-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

I'm exhausted and quite mad...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316641#Comment_316641 2011-11-24T02:56:47-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

...yet now i'm not. It's fooking amazing what a power nap can do if your skull stuff is melting.And melt it will...

It's fooking amazing what a power nap can do if your skull stuff is melting.And melt it will...]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316643#Comment_316643 2011-11-24T03:04:28-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

@ mister hex:Hang in there mate.Objectively speaking,from full darkside experience,it will get better.Even though at the time the despair may say it won't.Fuck that bastard. I hope you feel better ...

I hope you feel better soon.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316664#Comment_316664 2011-11-24T10:56:57-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 VertigoJones http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4512

@CatVincent I had no idea that divorces were dismissed on "not enough grounds", I thought rolling into your solicitors pissed and saying you'd like your wife canned would do the trick since ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316666#Comment_316666 2011-11-24T11:31:54-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=75

@Cat, what the FUCK? That's...that's just bloody stupid. @Allana Can't say I'm too surprised...from what I've heard your landlord seems to be the type to be that bloody petty. @Hex, Hey...wanna ...

@Allana Can't say I'm too surprised...from what I've heard your landlord seems to be the type to be that bloody petty.
@Hex, Hey...wanna meet up this weekend? You have my number, right? I think you have my number.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316668#Comment_316668 2011-11-24T12:52:51-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Osmosis http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=866

@Alan, Faux, Dork Thanks so much for the supportive comments, you guys. I really, really appreciate it. Feeling about a hundred times better now, even though sleep deprived and running on ...

Thanks so much for the supportive comments, you guys. I really, really appreciate it.

Feeling about a hundred times better now, even though sleep deprived and running on coffee. I had an appraisal on Tuesday morning, and I was feeling quite fragile after the semi-meltdown that prompted the rant on page one. I started off very, very hesitant, self-critical, and unconfident. I really have a terrific manager, who, over a couple of hours, was able to draw me out of my shell, show me where I have made progress and done well, and suggest areas where I can improve. This approach left me feeling far better about what I do and have done.

I also got together with a course colleague with whom I'm working. He's a very motivated and hard-working individual, and putting his work next to mine inspired me to push myself on and make a good start on a project I've been avoiding. I do know what I'm talking about, but it's hard work getting it down and organised on paper (or Powerpoint). But that doesn't happen without making a start.

Finally, last night I met up with coursemates for the first time (as a part-time student, campus life has been kind of non-existent, as I'm usually dashing back to my desk). It was great hanging out with people with whom I have a lot in common - common interests, outlooks, ambitions. It made me feel more connected to my course, rather than mining away in the library and in my room with no feedback.

I'm sure I'll have another freak-out at some point, but now I've got some confidence that a) I can get back to some point where I'm not too low to leave my room b) actually do some decent work c) there's a great group here I can unload on - in the nicest possible way! Although a number of people helped me lever myself back up, when I felt lowest I was able to come here and get rid of a huge weight. It really helped. Thanks, Whitechapel. I only hope that I'm able to contribute and have something like the same effect on someone who feels as bad as I did earlier this week.

And it's my birthday. So there.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316691#Comment_316691 2011-11-24T16:54:05-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 MrMonk http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=6192

@Cat Vincent @mister hex Thanks

@mister hex
Thanks]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316693#Comment_316693 2011-11-24T17:04:21-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 mister hex http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411

@ MrMonk - de nada. @flecky *& others - thanks, chums. @oldhat - I do NOT have your number and regardless, I'm shooting all weekend. (Oh, fucking joy. Everyone thinking they're Steven Fucking ...

@flecky *& others - thanks, chums.
@oldhat - I do NOT have your number and regardless, I'm shooting all weekend. (Oh, fucking joy. Everyone thinking they're Steven Fucking Spielberg for some piece-of-shit freebie that's already five grand overbudget. Bozhe Moi. Now THAT kinda shit will cheer me RIGHT UP!) You want some more Lone Wolf? Got the next five volumes "right here in my Raptor's bag," as Samuel L. Jackson might say. (Volume Nine introduces the secret of the Yagyu Letter, about more I shall not spoil.Oh and "Hunger Town", in Volume Six, possibly the saddest thing I've ever read.)
@ allana - you'd seriously live with me? To quote Princess Leia - "You're braver than I thought you were."]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316695#Comment_316695 2011-11-24T17:09:47-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Stoto http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=757

@Osmosis Glad you're feeling better. And happy birthday! :D

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316715#Comment_316715 2011-11-24T22:57:22-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=8949

@Osmosis:Happy birthday

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316716#Comment_316716 2011-11-25T00:29:28-08:00 2011-11-25T17:06:08-08:00 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=552

I can't honestly remember what it was like to be touched by someone out of love and affection and not out of only sexual desire. It's been over ten years since anyone told me they loved me. I think ...

I was looking forward to going to San Francisco or Boston for Christmas, but today I got $900 in doctor bills, and $600 in phone bills (for a defective phone that was stolen in the mail), and Iv'e another $400 in doctor bills lurking around. This is HAVING insurance.

Also, three of my professors don't want to let me catch up to my classes. I can't blame them, but that's... three classes I am in debt for that I didn't get to take because they took months to get me my schoolbooks. It's a cheap crappy school, but still, it's over $20,000 a semester.

Within the year, I am going to devise a plan to move out of this country.

(anyone want a sexless mail order american bride?)

the day before Thanksgiving, i stopped at the fancy Whole Foods and got a big goat cheese and mushroom pastry thing, some fancy cheeses, and a wine soaked stuffed pear for my roommate and I. I had originally had the idea of hosting a wayward Thanksgiving for all the people in NYC I knew who had nowhere to go, but it seems I didn't know many, and my one roommate who herself had planned on staying home to go was annoyed at the idea of having a "party", so I figured I'd get some yummy things just for us. Seems she changed her mind and was invited to go with the other roommate to his folks'. Oh. huh. Well then. I just have to stop assuming I've got friends in the people around me. But some neihbors were about and I was gotten a plate of food from somewhere, and Richard Pryor was watched, and fancy Brooklyn brewery doppleboch was drunk, so my Thanksgiving ended up saved from great depressive solitude.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316737#Comment_316737 2011-11-25T04:14:49-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 teasmaid http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=3689

My life seems to be hurtling toward a destination that I have neither chosen nor agree with. I don't disagree with this destination in a strong way, I'm ambivalent (in the truest sense of the word) ...

Booze is helping.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316738#Comment_316738 2011-11-25T04:19:52-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 Labyrinthine http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=5782

Okay, I'm making an effort to delurk:{the entire internet except tumblr} so I shall ramble here for a little bit. I'm hitting that stage of my life where I actually do, in fact, have to get up my ...

I'm hitting that stage of my life where I actually do, in fact, have to get up my own impetus for stuff - uni is over, with its preordained deadlines, and I have to magic some motivation out of somewhere. Even if I do honours, that is one year of having an excuse for not working full time and one major project that I will have guidance and butt-kicking to complete. My home life is sort of positive at the moment but I've come to view that as a non-permanent state, so I should still work on moving out, which means getting a job that will pay rent. My current job is SO GOOD for living with my parents and having money to buy jeans and concert tickets and breakfast on the way to uni when I'm late that it's made me drag my heels on applying to other places that will let me work more than 16 hours a week. I have enough savings to make about a year's rent if I have to move ahead of schedule, but then I would have to basically stop having a social life until I know I can afford it.

On the bright side, I do have that much saved up, which means that when, just to take an example ABSOLUTELY OUT OF NOWHERE, three bands I'd slap myself for missing (because I've missed two of them every single time they've been out here and one of them is technically broken up) decide to tour my country within two months of each other, and one of them is only playing in my city on the night of my sig/oth's sister's wedding that he will pout at me for even considering leaving the reception early from, it is not unthinkable for me to fly to a different city to see them. That's pretty great!

Also, a long discussion with the aforementioned shoggoth has turned the fractured fairytale I've been planning to write (I had gotten as far as Sleeping Beauty Vs. A Fuckton Of Moths And A Giant Hedge Full Of Dead Guys, by which I mean "Chapter Two") into a story long enough it will probably end up as a fucking trilogy with an anti-hero fairy godmother I was not expecting in the slightest, and possibly a semi-oedipal semi-necrophilic Snow White cult. I don't even.]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316780#Comment_316780 2011-11-25T13:05:05-08:00 2011-11-25T13:32:43-08:00 nelzbub http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10569

Been a busy week for me and I can feel a rant coming on but firstly, sympathies and best wishes to all of you with your woes. Hope things improve for you all. @Cat- sorry to hear of that fucked up ...

@Cat- sorry to hear of that fucked up shit with your ex. I once, some years ago, had a relationship with a Brazilian girl who was heavily involved with the Sante Daime church and to put it mildly things did not end well. I'd never previously considered murder/suicide to be on the list of viable relationship exits.
There were moments when I questioned my sanity but in the end I became certain that her constant diet of hallucinogens was damaging her perception of reality and I had to get away from the madness. I'm glad it's long behind me but still no fun to even look back on. good luck. Oh incidentally and from another thread, who is your friend at Sensi? I know most of the crew there and was out drinking with a bunch of them last night for the end of this years' Cannabis Cup which conicidentally is the first of the things I'm here to rant about.

Before I begin let me be honest and say that after six years of working at the cannabis cup for various different companies my initial enthusiasm for the event has been eroded by the cynicism borne of experience to a point where I consider the whole affair to be a massive ego powered cluster wank.
Anyway, this year for the third year running I've been working all week for the Roor glass company. I've always been friendly with them since I arrived in town and like to help out in return for the help they have given me over the years,however the guy who owns the company is a German fellow who(while I'm sure he's blissfully unaware) comes accross as a total arsehole at least eighty percent of the time!
Still he's made his fortune with a great product that I like to sell and I rarely have to deal with him so it's rarely a bother.
During the cup, they do a great deal of trade and have won first place in the glass competition for the past couple of years and I always work in the store.
This year my girlfriend also helped out at the expo doing flyering and stuff, and as well as having her hash taken from her when the police raided the expo, she also got properly rubbed up the wrong way by the owner who, by the sounds of things managed to be properly offensive to her all week. Dick.

This year they have won again with a truly incredible piece of bong craft and the shop, for the third year running has broken all sales records thanks in no small part, I think, to me selling things like this, and this, for huge sums of money.
Now I work there for minimum wage because I like the people who run the amsterdam shop and I've never asked for commission so I don't expect one. I mean a bonus would be.. a bonus, but I don't feel entitled to one. What I do feel I should be entitled to would be perhaps a word of thanks from the boss as he left back to germany laden with his gold medal and trophies from last nights awards ceremony but no, not a peep. Dick!

And while we're on the Cannabis Cup Awards ceremony can anyone measure the irony of the fact that I was removed from the event five minutes after walking in the door because I'd lit a joint? no lie.

Well as i said earlier my expectations were pretty low for this years cup but it was still underwhelming. One example at random; the emcee for the ceremony was presenting an award for a lifetime contribution to the Dutch cannabis Industry, to the father of a good friend of mine and the muppet couldn't even pronounce the man's name correctly. I mean, come on.. these fools give stoners a bad name and sadly I believe Colombia was having more influence on his behaviour than Amsterdams' finest.
So enough of that shite for another year.
I've got plenty other stuff to be worrying about right now with my other job where I've somehow managed to fit in a full weeks shifts alongside all this cup nonsense...tbc]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316781#Comment_316781 2011-11-25T13:05:30-08:00 2011-11-25T13:37:10-08:00 nelzbub http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10569

The place I work is a fairly grimy coffeeshop and hostel owned by a chinese businessman and managed by a friend of mine. I started here a few months ago when one of their staff had to leave on ...

The owner is in the hotel business and the coffeeshop was something of an extra that he got with the hostel. Consequently the coffeeshop side of the business has rarely made any money despite my friends best efforts to imrove the menu and the venue, it really requires money that the owner was not prepared to put forward.
In addition to this, being the owner of a coffeeshop has consequences that he had not forseen, for instance trying to get a loan to buy the neighbouring hostel proved impossible through regular banking channels who will not do business with someone in the drug industry for fear of being accused of involvement in money laundering. Then there are issues with his mortgage which could jepordize his family home so I could understand why he may want to let it expire.
A curious feature of the ridiculous laws surrounding coffeeshops is that it is no longer possible to change the name of the person holding the license except in very limited cases within the same family and so licenses cannot be sold nor can they be replaced so to let a license expire is effectively to reduce the number of coffeeshops in the city by one. A shame in my view, but a deliberate policy on the part of politicians to kill the industry here. There are instances of shops being taken over by other bigger names but in these cases they are merely paying a rent to the original license holder who steps back from the business in return for their annual fee.
So anyway, imagine my surprise when I walked in to work late last week to be told by my colleague that the owner had got the license extended for a year and then have a go at imagining my emotions when she went on to say that if the two of us could put together an acceptable offer the boss would be prepared to step back and allow us to run the shop while he joined the hostel part of the business to his larger one up the street.
I nearly made wee!
This is what I've always wanted to do and I am certain I can do it well and my friend feels the same. between us we have more than twenty five years experience of the industry and with the connections we have i'm sure we could have a real shot at doing something very special with the place, even if it is only for a year.

Having long and bitter experience of my hopes being dashed, I am always ready to look for the obstacles that will trip us up and there are a fair few.
The first of which is the technical contract/bookkeeping side of the business. I have managed for many years to do most of my dealings with a handshake and an exchange of envelopes/ bags and the real world side of running a business is kind of a strange world to me and that's before you consider the byzantine nightmare that weeds' legal grey area causes in the book-keeping and tax side of things.
It's complicated.
Thankfully there are people we can speak to with regard to these things and professional lawyers and accountants who make careers playing in these very grey areas.
The other obstacle immediately apparent is getting the capital together for a proper menu.
It's a common misconception that all the weed and hash here is of the highest grade. The truth is far from it and the most menus in town are overwhelmingly full of mediocre hydro weed fed on nasty chemicals, flushed badly, dried too quickly and sold too dearly. I'm confident that my friend and I have enough knowledge and connections that we could put together a menu to put most others to shame -nice things for nice people- but finding the funds to do so, while not impossible, is going to require some shrewd thinking.
For this to be so potentially do-able is massively exciting for me but also fills me with trepidation, I've come close to getting exactly what I wanted before, and sometimes it blows up in my face and often it turns out to be not quite what i wanted after all!
So plans have been forming and earlier this week we had a "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" moment when we compared our idea of a sensible offer with the numbers he had written down and shit... it looks we could really do this! We need to get our shit together and start getting some kind of contract signed with him as soon as possible because sure enough the sharks are circling. On wednesday I came into work to find my friend in tears because the boss had just been sitting down for two hours having a meeting with the owner of one of the big name shops.
Now while I see he's entitled to listen to any offer made to him I feel it's a bit tight to be sitting down for his meeting right in front of her.
He's said he'll give us an opportunity to match any offer made, but if it's a matter of getting into a bidding war with this place then we don't stand a chance so we could be fucked before we've even begun.
One option could be to speak to the owners of the big shop, who I know, and see if we can work out some deal that could still involve me and my friend in a capacity more than minimum wage employee/floor management, which we both feel we done our fair share of time in.
If possible, this could turn many of our problems into solutions as their brand name and financial clout would mean the place would immediately kick off at the highest level.
I want this to be MY thing so badly - but it's got to be worth recognising when it's time to share the ball so everyone can play, before the bully kicks you in the nuts and takes it off you anyway..

all this ranting isn't really finding me any solutions but it's good to get it out, thanks for being here 'chapellers and I'm sorry if I've bored you with all this shite - I fear I may subject you to more before this is done.
cheers]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316785#Comment_316785 2011-11-25T13:24:21-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 mister hex http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=4411

@ nelzbub - if you want it THAT BADLY, then there's always "a way". Maybe more than one "way". You seem right clever, from here, I can tell you can do it. Good luck, as if you ...

http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10352&Focus=316796#Comment_316796 2011-11-25T14:31:47-08:00 2013-05-21T14:48:08-07:00 nelzbub http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/account.php?u=10569

mr. hex, thanks for your kind words. I'll surely be giving this thing my best shot.