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    • CommentTimeNov 24th 2011
    @Cat, what the FUCK? That's...that's just bloody stupid.
    @Allana Can't say I'm too surprised...from what I've heard your landlord seems to be the type to be that bloody petty.
    @Hex, Hey...wanna meet up this weekend? You have my number, right? I think you have my number.
    • CommentTimeNov 24th 2011
    @Alan, Faux, Dork

    Thanks so much for the supportive comments, you guys. I really, really appreciate it.

    Feeling about a hundred times better now, even though sleep deprived and running on coffee. I had an appraisal on Tuesday morning, and I was feeling quite fragile after the semi-meltdown that prompted the rant on page one. I started off very, very hesitant, self-critical, and unconfident. I really have a terrific manager, who, over a couple of hours, was able to draw me out of my shell, show me where I have made progress and done well, and suggest areas where I can improve. This approach left me feeling far better about what I do and have done.

    I also got together with a course colleague with whom I'm working. He's a very motivated and hard-working individual, and putting his work next to mine inspired me to push myself on and make a good start on a project I've been avoiding. I do know what I'm talking about, but it's hard work getting it down and organised on paper (or Powerpoint). But that doesn't happen without making a start.

    Finally, last night I met up with coursemates for the first time (as a part-time student, campus life has been kind of non-existent, as I'm usually dashing back to my desk). It was great hanging out with people with whom I have a lot in common - common interests, outlooks, ambitions. It made me feel more connected to my course, rather than mining away in the library and in my room with no feedback.

    I'm sure I'll have another freak-out at some point, but now I've got some confidence that a) I can get back to some point where I'm not too low to leave my room b) actually do some decent work c) there's a great group here I can unload on - in the nicest possible way! Although a number of people helped me lever myself back up, when I felt lowest I was able to come here and get rid of a huge weight. It really helped. Thanks, Whitechapel. I only hope that I'm able to contribute and have something like the same effect on someone who feels as bad as I did earlier this week.

    And it's my birthday. So there.
    • CommentAuthorMrMonk
    • CommentTimeNov 24th 2011
    @Cat Vincent
    @mister hex
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeNov 24th 2011
    @ MrMonk - de nada.
    @flecky *& others - thanks, chums.
    @oldhat - I do NOT have your number and regardless, I'm shooting all weekend. (Oh, fucking joy. Everyone thinking they're Steven Fucking Spielberg for some piece-of-shit freebie that's already five grand overbudget. Bozhe Moi. Now THAT kinda shit will cheer me RIGHT UP!) You want some more Lone Wolf? Got the next five volumes "right here in my Raptor's bag," as Samuel L. Jackson might say. (Volume Nine introduces the secret of the Yagyu Letter, about more I shall not spoil.Oh and "Hunger Town", in Volume Six, possibly the saddest thing I've ever read.)
    @ allana - you'd seriously live with me? To quote Princess Leia - "You're braver than I thought you were."
    • CommentTimeNov 24th 2011
    @Osmosis Glad you're feeling better. And happy birthday! :D
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 24th 2011
    @Osmosis:Happy birthday
  1.  (10352.47)
    I can't honestly remember what it was like to be touched by someone out of love and affection and not out of only sexual desire. It's been over ten years since anyone told me they loved me. I think maybe that's why I've been bristling so if i'm told I'm pretty. It makes me feel small and useless. Pretty. Pretty doesn't mean anything if you are too broken to be close to people.

    I was looking forward to going to San Francisco or Boston for Christmas, but today I got $900 in doctor bills, and $600 in phone bills (for a defective phone that was stolen in the mail), and Iv'e another $400 in doctor bills lurking around. This is HAVING insurance.

    Also, three of my professors don't want to let me catch up to my classes. I can't blame them, but that's... three classes I am in debt for that I didn't get to take because they took months to get me my schoolbooks. It's a cheap crappy school, but still, it's over $20,000 a semester.

    Within the year, I am going to devise a plan to move out of this country.

    (anyone want a sexless mail order american bride?)

    the day before Thanksgiving, i stopped at the fancy Whole Foods and got a big goat cheese and mushroom pastry thing, some fancy cheeses, and a wine soaked stuffed pear for my roommate and I. I had originally had the idea of hosting a wayward Thanksgiving for all the people in NYC I knew who had nowhere to go, but it seems I didn't know many, and my one roommate who herself had planned on staying home to go was annoyed at the idea of having a "party", so I figured I'd get some yummy things just for us. Seems she changed her mind and was invited to go with the other roommate to his folks'. Oh. huh. Well then. I just have to stop assuming I've got friends in the people around me. But some neihbors were about and I was gotten a plate of food from somewhere, and Richard Pryor was watched, and fancy Brooklyn brewery doppleboch was drunk, so my Thanksgiving ended up saved from great depressive solitude.
    • CommentTimeNov 25th 2011
    My life seems to be hurtling toward a destination that I have neither chosen nor agree with. I don't disagree with this destination in a strong way, I'm ambivalent (in the truest sense of the word) but feel kind of like everything is out of my control. I must admit that usually I am a bit of a control freak, and this is weirding me out on a certain level, but I'm also seeing it as a challenge to overcome.
    Booze is helping.
  2.  (10352.49)
    Okay, I'm making an effort to delurk:{the entire internet except tumblr} so I shall ramble here for a little bit.

    I'm hitting that stage of my life where I actually do, in fact, have to get up my own impetus for stuff - uni is over, with its preordained deadlines, and I have to magic some motivation out of somewhere. Even if I do honours, that is one year of having an excuse for not working full time and one major project that I will have guidance and butt-kicking to complete. My home life is sort of positive at the moment but I've come to view that as a non-permanent state, so I should still work on moving out, which means getting a job that will pay rent. My current job is SO GOOD for living with my parents and having money to buy jeans and concert tickets and breakfast on the way to uni when I'm late that it's made me drag my heels on applying to other places that will let me work more than 16 hours a week. I have enough savings to make about a year's rent if I have to move ahead of schedule, but then I would have to basically stop having a social life until I know I can afford it.

    On the bright side, I do have that much saved up, which means that when, just to take an example ABSOLUTELY OUT OF NOWHERE, three bands I'd slap myself for missing (because I've missed two of them every single time they've been out here and one of them is technically broken up) decide to tour my country within two months of each other, and one of them is only playing in my city on the night of my sig/oth's sister's wedding that he will pout at me for even considering leaving the reception early from, it is not unthinkable for me to fly to a different city to see them. That's pretty great!

    Also, a long discussion with the aforementioned shoggoth has turned the fractured fairytale I've been planning to write (I had gotten as far as Sleeping Beauty Vs. A Fuckton Of Moths And A Giant Hedge Full Of Dead Guys, by which I mean "Chapter Two") into a story long enough it will probably end up as a fucking trilogy with an anti-hero fairy godmother I was not expecting in the slightest, and possibly a semi-oedipal semi-necrophilic Snow White cult. I don't even.
    • CommentTimeNov 25th 2011 edited
    Been a busy week for me and I can feel a rant coming on but firstly, sympathies and best wishes to all of you with your woes. Hope things improve for you all.

    @Cat- sorry to hear of that fucked up shit with your ex. I once, some years ago, had a relationship with a Brazilian girl who was heavily involved with the Sante Daime church and to put it mildly things did not end well. I'd never previously considered murder/suicide to be on the list of viable relationship exits.
    There were moments when I questioned my sanity but in the end I became certain that her constant diet of hallucinogens was damaging her perception of reality and I had to get away from the madness. I'm glad it's long behind me but still no fun to even look back on. good luck. Oh incidentally and from another thread, who is your friend at Sensi? I know most of the crew there and was out drinking with a bunch of them last night for the end of this years' Cannabis Cup which conicidentally is the first of the things I'm here to rant about.

    Before I begin let me be honest and say that after six years of working at the cannabis cup for various different companies my initial enthusiasm for the event has been eroded by the cynicism borne of experience to a point where I consider the whole affair to be a massive ego powered cluster wank.
    Anyway, this year for the third year running I've been working all week for the Roor glass company. I've always been friendly with them since I arrived in town and like to help out in return for the help they have given me over the years,however the guy who owns the company is a German fellow who(while I'm sure he's blissfully unaware) comes accross as a total arsehole at least eighty percent of the time!
    Still he's made his fortune with a great product that I like to sell and I rarely have to deal with him so it's rarely a bother.
    During the cup, they do a great deal of trade and have won first place in the glass competition for the past couple of years and I always work in the store.
    This year my girlfriend also helped out at the expo doing flyering and stuff, and as well as having her hash taken from her when the police raided the expo, she also got properly rubbed up the wrong way by the owner who, by the sounds of things managed to be properly offensive to her all week. Dick.

    This year they have won again with a truly incredible piece of bong craft and the shop, for the third year running has broken all sales records thanks in no small part, I think, to me selling things like this, and this, for huge sums of money.
    Now I work there for minimum wage because I like the people who run the amsterdam shop and I've never asked for commission so I don't expect one. I mean a bonus would be.. a bonus, but I don't feel entitled to one. What I do feel I should be entitled to would be perhaps a word of thanks from the boss as he left back to germany laden with his gold medal and trophies from last nights awards ceremony but no, not a peep. Dick!

    And while we're on the Cannabis Cup Awards ceremony can anyone measure the irony of the fact that I was removed from the event five minutes after walking in the door because I'd lit a joint? no lie.

    Well as i said earlier my expectations were pretty low for this years cup but it was still underwhelming. One example at random; the emcee for the ceremony was presenting an award for a lifetime contribution to the Dutch cannabis Industry, to the father of a good friend of mine and the muppet couldn't even pronounce the man's name correctly. I mean, come on.. these fools give stoners a bad name and sadly I believe Colombia was having more influence on his behaviour than Amsterdams' finest.
    So enough of that shite for another year.
    I've got plenty other stuff to be worrying about right now with my other job where I've somehow managed to fit in a full weeks shifts alongside all this cup nonsense...tbc
    • CommentTimeNov 25th 2011 edited
    The place I work is a fairly grimy coffeeshop and hostel owned by a chinese businessman and managed by a friend of mine. I started here a few months ago when one of their staff had to leave on medical grounds and had always considered it a short term thing because the owner was not planning to renew the license when it expires at the end of the year.
    The owner is in the hotel business and the coffeeshop was something of an extra that he got with the hostel. Consequently the coffeeshop side of the business has rarely made any money despite my friends best efforts to imrove the menu and the venue, it really requires money that the owner was not prepared to put forward.
    In addition to this, being the owner of a coffeeshop has consequences that he had not forseen, for instance trying to get a loan to buy the neighbouring hostel proved impossible through regular banking channels who will not do business with someone in the drug industry for fear of being accused of involvement in money laundering. Then there are issues with his mortgage which could jepordize his family home so I could understand why he may want to let it expire.
    A curious feature of the ridiculous laws surrounding coffeeshops is that it is no longer possible to change the name of the person holding the license except in very limited cases within the same family and so licenses cannot be sold nor can they be replaced so to let a license expire is effectively to reduce the number of coffeeshops in the city by one. A shame in my view, but a deliberate policy on the part of politicians to kill the industry here. There are instances of shops being taken over by other bigger names but in these cases they are merely paying a rent to the original license holder who steps back from the business in return for their annual fee.
    So anyway, imagine my surprise when I walked in to work late last week to be told by my colleague that the owner had got the license extended for a year and then have a go at imagining my emotions when she went on to say that if the two of us could put together an acceptable offer the boss would be prepared to step back and allow us to run the shop while he joined the hostel part of the business to his larger one up the street.
    I nearly made wee!
    This is what I've always wanted to do and I am certain I can do it well and my friend feels the same. between us we have more than twenty five years experience of the industry and with the connections we have i'm sure we could have a real shot at doing something very special with the place, even if it is only for a year.

    Having long and bitter experience of my hopes being dashed, I am always ready to look for the obstacles that will trip us up and there are a fair few.
    The first of which is the technical contract/bookkeeping side of the business. I have managed for many years to do most of my dealings with a handshake and an exchange of envelopes/ bags and the real world side of running a business is kind of a strange world to me and that's before you consider the byzantine nightmare that weeds' legal grey area causes in the book-keeping and tax side of things.
    It's complicated.
    Thankfully there are people we can speak to with regard to these things and professional lawyers and accountants who make careers playing in these very grey areas.
    The other obstacle immediately apparent is getting the capital together for a proper menu.
    It's a common misconception that all the weed and hash here is of the highest grade. The truth is far from it and the most menus in town are overwhelmingly full of mediocre hydro weed fed on nasty chemicals, flushed badly, dried too quickly and sold too dearly. I'm confident that my friend and I have enough knowledge and connections that we could put together a menu to put most others to shame -nice things for nice people- but finding the funds to do so, while not impossible, is going to require some shrewd thinking.
    For this to be so potentially do-able is massively exciting for me but also fills me with trepidation, I've come close to getting exactly what I wanted before, and sometimes it blows up in my face and often it turns out to be not quite what i wanted after all!
    So plans have been forming and earlier this week we had a "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" moment when we compared our idea of a sensible offer with the numbers he had written down and shit... it looks we could really do this! We need to get our shit together and start getting some kind of contract signed with him as soon as possible because sure enough the sharks are circling. On wednesday I came into work to find my friend in tears because the boss had just been sitting down for two hours having a meeting with the owner of one of the big name shops.
    Now while I see he's entitled to listen to any offer made to him I feel it's a bit tight to be sitting down for his meeting right in front of her.
    He's said he'll give us an opportunity to match any offer made, but if it's a matter of getting into a bidding war with this place then we don't stand a chance so we could be fucked before we've even begun.
    One option could be to speak to the owners of the big shop, who I know, and see if we can work out some deal that could still involve me and my friend in a capacity more than minimum wage employee/floor management, which we both feel we done our fair share of time in.
    If possible, this could turn many of our problems into solutions as their brand name and financial clout would mean the place would immediately kick off at the highest level.
    I want this to be MY thing so badly - but it's got to be worth recognising when it's time to share the ball so everyone can play, before the bully kicks you in the nuts and takes it off you anyway..

    all this ranting isn't really finding me any solutions but it's good to get it out, thanks for being here 'chapellers and I'm sorry if I've bored you with all this shite - I fear I may subject you to more before this is done.
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeNov 25th 2011
    @ nelzbub - if you want it THAT BADLY, then there's always "a way". Maybe more than one "way". You seem right clever, from here, I can tell you can do it. Good luck, as if you need it. (If you DO, thenextra 'GOOD LUCK'.)
    • CommentTimeNov 25th 2011
    mr. hex, thanks for your kind words. I'll surely be giving this thing my best shot.