Sun, 19 May 2013 14:43:35 -0700 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/ Lussumo Vanilla 1.1.4 & Feed Publisher http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316830#Comment_316830 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316830#Comment_316830 Sat, 26 Nov 2011 02:13:27 -0800 Horrible Warning Si
Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.

--------

1. I HAVE INTERNET ACCESS AT HOME NOW.
2. THERE IS NO 2. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316848#Comment_316848 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316848#Comment_316848 Sat, 26 Nov 2011 09:58:01 -0800 JP Carpenter
Hope everyone's well, or at least, tolerably so.

Ups and downs, always ups and downs...

Feeling a lot stronger mentally than I have done for some time. This is good, and am trying to make it last. Having more days that feel 'right'. Have done a lot of practical stuff to make that happen - organising, fixing (I have the coffee machine on a timer to deliver me a big fresh mug of filter coffee at 4 am whythefuckdidinotthinkofthatyearsago). Work is utterly batshit mental at the moment, which is dangerous, but hopefully after this week things calm down a bit over Christmas.

Youngest daughter is being ever so cute and is cheering me up no end. I'm worried about my eldest though, quite a lot - she's having problems with other kids again and being picked on. I wish I knew how to help her better, I think she's quite full on with people and can be abrasive, probably she's picked up a lot of my worse traits of sarcasm which I'm not very proud of. It hurts to see her upset by this.


And there's also an awful lot going in my relationship with my partner at the moment, which is quite difficult and painful, I thought about talking about it here, but that's probably not fair as it's all too raw and personal. Just to say, we're picking our way through a mess that has been causing us difficulty for some years . We've had stupid rows two nights running. I desperately want to avoid a third.

It's getting cold here, and the wind is starting to whip around my study. I have a bottle of wine here, the first drink I've had for about three weeks. I just hope that's a good idea. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316860#Comment_316860 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316860#Comment_316860 Sat, 26 Nov 2011 14:47:58 -0800 flecky
Basically it's saturday night and i'm hyper pissed off.I hate saturday nights now i'm a mean old resentful bastad.

I'm calling in a napalm strike to torch shitty London.From me bedroom..

Bloody 'ell!! ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316869#Comment_316869 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316869#Comment_316869 Sat, 26 Nov 2011 17:52:56 -0800 trini_naenae
As for me, there really isn't much of anything going on lately. There aren't any one bedroom apartments available in town, the other options are too expensive, and there are affordable apartments in a nearby city (very small city), but that would increase my gas usage significantly and I very much prefer to only buy gas once a month at most. Also, the money I'd spend on gas would make up the difference anyway.

Otherwise? Meh. I plan to do shopping over the weekend, and then the weekend comes, and I look outside, and I really can't be bothered. I plan to do social things, but the time comes, and I just don't care. I've been experiencing some fairly high levels of apathy that are making me more and more antisocial. On the bright side, I've been slowly but surely cleaning my room and doing my chores. So yay? The apathy bothers me kind of. Well, I know I should be bothered by the apathy, and that it is probably a side effect of the citalopram and wellbutrin, but if I try to get off the anti-depressants I'll probably become an emotional mess, and well, that's worse. What it boils down to is that I've been stagnant enough, and enough attempts at trying to make things better have just not worked out, and it's really hard to care anymore. Too many rejections relationship wise (friendships and romantic), too little mojo or reaction or anything for the art, and trying to live on my own is going nowhere, and it's just... whatever. All I really want to do is to be distracted by shiny pretty things and pretend things are ok anyway. Because fuck it, I just don't care anymore. And the energy and desire to care is all gone and used up. Don't worry, I'm not going to have any breakdowns, or do anything really. It's just how things are, and maybe something will change, but if/until it does... meh.

Today was also a big extended family thanksgiving get together at the house that turned out well. Not including my sister, we had nine guests (four couples and one woman), all related to my mom somehow. That is one of the things about living in this area. I've been learning about my mom's family history, and meeting the various parts of my mom's family and getting to know more of the background and their impact on the area. Since I grew up all over the world disconnected from my grandparents and relatives most of the time, this is a huge treat. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316873#Comment_316873 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316873#Comment_316873 Sat, 26 Nov 2011 20:29:10 -0800 Jay Kay
Because of that, there's not much to report. It especially sucks because I haven't been feeling up to drawing or writing anything since I started work. I'll just make it a New Year's Resolution, I suppose. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316884#Comment_316884 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316884#Comment_316884 Sat, 26 Nov 2011 22:53:10 -0800 Kay Orchison http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316908#Comment_316908 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316908#Comment_316908 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 06:17:19 -0800 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316909#Comment_316909 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316909#Comment_316909 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 06:20:49 -0800 Osmosis day! Is this up and down the aisles in the warehouse, or making deliveries, or what? ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316920#Comment_316920 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316920#Comment_316920 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 07:58:07 -0800 Rachæl Tyrell
There's my years-long heartbreak. I'd been hoping, waiting, missing. I'd been hopeful, because I recently had realized that every emotional meltdown between us happened right as a period of terrible brain swelling headaches was going on. Everything was fine between us until the headaches first began, and it seems that Lyme Disease brain swelling causes emotional shifts and changes and instability. This had me quite excited. That meant all the terribleness, all the tears, wasn't as dire. It was like there was some kind of monster mutant PMS, some kind of physical thing that I could pin the crazy on. It made me think that we could be alright. Maybe the best friends he thought we were, maybe the romantic partners I thought we were.

And then my doctor told me that I don't have Lyme Disease. And it's doubtful I ever did. And that what I've got is similar to Lupus. And yet, I keep getting recurrent bouts of brain swelling headaches. Wait. Why did I suddenly get so sick, then? What causes sudden flares of tissue swelling in Lupus, or other autoimmune disorders?

Extreme physical and/or emotional stress.

So I had it all backwards. I was so utterly decimated, so wrecked, so completely destroyed by the only human I had in the world, the only human I trusted, the one I let become my everything, that I triggered a monumental flare of a terrible symptom that up until then had been mostly lurking. So much that I was bed ridden for almost a year. I am severely emotionally allergic to the only human I've felt truly close to in the past decade. Faaaabulous.

I've been trying. Desperately trying. To get over my stupid heartbreak.

Part of this is throwing myself into the world and trying to switch up my normal patterns. I've been cramming myself into a daytime schedule, though I (and he) are naturally and severely nocturnal. So, I've been waking before noon if possible instead of going to bed at dawn, and going walking or sitting in the sun-flooded livingroom all afternoon. This will be good for me, I thought. Sun. It's good for battling depression, it's good for normalizing circadian rhythm, and I've already been diagnosed as having insanely low levels and was put on a 'script of Vitamin D. I can be more social, and I'll be more likely to meet other humans and feel less lonely if I'm not such a nocturnal creature. I've been enjoying day time for the first time in literally years. I love nature, and walking through the woods and smelling nature actually makes me feel high.

Y'know what else causes flares in autoimmune disorders?

UV light. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316921#Comment_316921 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316921#Comment_316921 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 08:03:07 -0800 Rachæl Tyrell
@trini - This sort of overall "meh" that you are going through, and the use of your antidepressants, isn't that something that might be worked out with your doctor? could you not try something different, or a different combination of dosages?

@Singularity Jones - Have you tried couple counseling? If it's a years-long issue, I feel like a mediator helps in those situations. Things get so raw.

@jay kay - just think of how fit you'll be! I'm sort of jealous. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316922#Comment_316922 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316922#Comment_316922 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 08:07:04 -0800 dorkmuffin

I'm sorry, it's my automatic response to any mention of "Lupus"

That's a big ball of suck, Rachael. I'm sorry to hear things are continually rough for you and it's got to be insanely rough that no one seems to be able to give you a straight answer with regards to your health. You know what you should do with regards to the UV light? BIG FLOPPY HAT. Those are great ways to block UV light, and a big floppy hat is a great mood-booster. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316923#Comment_316923 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316923#Comment_316923 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 08:26:01 -0800 Rachæl Tyrell


It's frustrating, and I'd like to make some sort of official distinction between "physical disability" and "chronic illness". It's really amazing how many people mention how "people with NO ARMS can go on to have productive lives, why can't you?" I'd really rather I had an arm missing, or both legs, or even one of my eyes. At least then I could bust my ass with what I'd got left. At least then I'd know my parameters.

However, I suppose I can now really justify gothing it up. An occasional eyepatch, an occasional cane, a corset to straighten my ribs out, a big floppy hat, and a parasol? yeeeaaaaah. Man, I'm really missing having black hair at the moment. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316930#Comment_316930 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316930#Comment_316930 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 10:21:42 -0800 Jay Kay
@dorkmuffin: I have now--good ole' Dr. Scholls. I had some other shoes the first few days that I thought would be comfortable enough, but DAMN was I wrong.

@Osmosis: Up and down aisles, yes.

@Rachæl Tyrell: Holy crap, I'm sorry to hear about everything going on with you. Makes all the crap I'm dealing with feel so small in comparison. I hope things get better for you soon. But yeah, my advisor did say that she lost a good 10-15 pounds working there after four months, and I'm already starting to feel a little tighter around my legs and back. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316945#Comment_316945 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316945#Comment_316945 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 12:32:44 -0800 government spy
And the two women raised their hands.

"Just us."

"Oh. Sorry. I watch too much House." ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316958#Comment_316958 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=316958#Comment_316958 Sun, 27 Nov 2011 16:20:02 -0800 trini_naenae
@JayKay: It might actually be worth it at some point to put aside a hundred dollars or so and go to one of those expensive shoe stores that specialize in comfortable shoes that fit just right. The next time I go to Duluth, I probably will do that myself, simply because my back and foot pain from working is really pathetic. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317007#Comment_317007 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317007#Comment_317007 Mon, 28 Nov 2011 00:29:10 -0800 razrangel
Yeah that relationship wasn't healthy. And neither were my eyes. Hm.. I'll have to pay better attention to what was happening maybe a month before an episode. The ophthalmologist used to say to try to remain calm and chill – perhaps meditate – during an episode because he had a theory that it was related to stress. But thinking back, they seemed to really hit hard a month-ish afterward some big mess went done. One time it would be a huge relationship/emotional disaster, another time it would be working 55 hours/week and averaging two hours of sleep per night.

Silly doctors. Keep on trucking, Rachael, we're pullin for ya.


Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune. 

National eat too much week, and boy have I been toeing the line. I'm getting tired of this. I'm actively feeling uncomfortable day in and day out, clothing is tight, chairs with arms are tight, digestion is so slow I can feel it pushing up, the skin I can feel... Ugh anyway. The only thing I can do – that is, where I have any option – is to exercise. I have very little control over the food here. Some control, but trust me it's very little. I used to be so good at regimenting myself: two hour walks or one hour swimming, or on an elliptical machine; I ate properly and rarely indulged in sweets or fatty food. Now we only have heavy, greasy food in the house and in the last two weeks I've hopped on the ski machine once. Gah. I have to rebuild the discipline while surrounded by people who believe in but that.

Ah but I do love my family. And we're sort of getting along at the moment, even despite the sniping and the patronizing and the staring & thinking “WTF is wrong with you??” OB, though, isn't here and I wish he were part of the loving. But OB is the hardest to live with and it's been so lovely quiet since he's been gone. He's due back in about a week. I'm dreading the noise and nonsense he brings. That's all there is to it.

Pissing me off have been all manner of intarwub things what think they can make life easier and simpler for me but in fact just fuck up my use of the Internet. I don't need Google to serve me the same results I got last time for a search term, that actually defeats the purpose of doing research online. I don't need facebook to lump my friends updates together under subject groupings, that actually makes it harder to keep up with my disparate friends. I don't need to see all the activities of the people I follow on Twitter, some very basic things, beginning (and largely ending) with who retweeted me. I don't need my incoming email bulked together by sender, I don't want Yahoo to spam facebook with what article I opened because the headline was so baffling I needed to see what the hell it was actually about, I don't need my backspace usage to tell Chrome to return to the previous Web page when I'm trying to edit something in a typing field....

More than once this week I thought I should tell facebook to take a flying leap and just check out. So little out of all the information output facebook gives me is anything I actually want, whereas what I want is made increasingly difficult to find. But... besides being the primary tool that will reach the bulk of my friends (when those fuckers have told me they don't like talking on the phone, texting is superior to emailing and they're more likely to check fb than their inbox), too many other Web sites and services are also failing me utterly that fuck it. Web 2.0 is here, it stinks and bitching about it is clearly best served as weekend venting over a good drink. So cheers. *clink*

I'm not as harsh as several friends have been about the Occupy stuff – I am glad that it's happening, that people aren't quietly venting to their Google circle. But I do think there needs to be something a little more concrete if we want anything to actually change. I do think the Obama administration is just waiting out the protestors. I do think the mainstream wants to get it but doesn't quite yet because of the lack of any mechanics (I don't mean lack of any message, we get the message, we don't get what needs to happen). But all in all, I romanticized the 60s when I was wee one and did quite a bit of research into the many groups and protests and movements when I was in high school. I feel like I discovered socialism and idealism long before it was cool. But, I always wondered if I had been around for the 60s where I would have ended up. And the conclusion I've come to is that I'd be the beatnik off to the side of the signs and the drumming, in the thick eyeliner and cigarette, mumbling bits of fiction to myself. All I'm missing is the beret. Seriously.

I want to be able to provide. I want to earn an income and I want it now. I feel like a fucking bum waiting, pushing and borrowing from my mom in some theory that it'll pay off later. I want to help my family now. I feel like shit asking the world for money. Not only something utterly material, but courting cupidity. I don't want a big house or a snazzy car, I want something that won't fall apart on me as soon as I look at it – or at least I want to not have to be afraid that if it falls apart I'm completely fucked. I want to be able to go to the doctor. I want to pay off my loans. Yeah, these are better problems to have than worry about scarcity or severe health problems or being personally responsible for other humans. But the promise of my country is that if I am willing then the avenues to solving my problems through effort should be open to me. (yep, that echoes the above Occupy stuff, like I said I like that they're out there. Now, let's work on results!)

I'm going to change everything eventually with some mindblowing work of art marrying fiction and philosophy, creating a narrative to superimpose on reality or that looks at American histories or that saves people who need saving or that feeds the hungry... or just let's me pay back my mom. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317013#Comment_317013 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317013#Comment_317013 Mon, 28 Nov 2011 02:26:16 -0800 Fauxhammer http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317031#Comment_317031 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317031#Comment_317031 Mon, 28 Nov 2011 07:35:52 -0800 Finagle
We didn't get a year-end bonus last year. There was a lame holiday party halfway into January. Everyone's gone without reviews or raises for a year or longer - this is on top of the one-year probationary period with no paid vacation, mind you. Several key employees have just quit.

Because see, we already make a 'voluntary' contribution of $2 on Fridays if we wear jeans, that goes towards a 'charity shopping fund' for some local youth. I've not worn jeans for the past year.

Needless to say, the aforementioned mouth-breather was roundly mocked. Especially as the initial idea was to get them a getaway to the Trapp Family Lodge. Yes, that Trapp family. Did I mention the owner is Jewish? Nothing like a WWII-themed Austrian family getaway to put Jewish folk in that holiday spirit.

Where do these people come from. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317044#Comment_317044 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317044#Comment_317044 Mon, 28 Nov 2011 09:58:37 -0800 RenThing
I prefer to think the answer to your final question is some strange alternate reality where everyone is dropped repeatedly on their heads for the first year of their lives and the survivors are sent to live beneath power lines and fed a steady diet of paint chips and radiator fluid.

Then they somehow escape. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317050#Comment_317050 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317050#Comment_317050 Mon, 28 Nov 2011 12:30:58 -0800 JP Carpenter Where do these people come from.

I don't care. It's just where the bastards go that's the problem. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317108#Comment_317108 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317108#Comment_317108 Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:43:56 -0800 Labyrinthine
Today, I was caught by ticket inspectors with a concession ticket and no concession card. I don't know how they know! I have paid full fare all year and never seen a single ruddy inspector, but the one week I don't have enough money and go for a concession instead... this always happens! Are they psychic or something!? Now I have a huge fine. The ironic thing is that if I'd used concession tickets all year, I would have actually come out on top, because I wouldn't have any more fines, because they NEVER SHOW UP WHEN I HAVE THE RIGHT TICKET.

And then I get home to find everything covered in brown dust, because the council killed off the grass in our park and ~haven't gotten around~ to putting in the new grass, so all the topsoil has blown off in the wind. GOOD WORK, LOCAL GOVERNMENT. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317194#Comment_317194 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317194#Comment_317194 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:49:41 -0800 flecky
I like people.I really do.I wouldn't say it if i didn't mean it.Yet some...i want them fucking dead.And if it wasn't against the law i would be fucking killing left right and centre.I shit thee not.If you'd lived my life then i dare say you may feel the same.Rapists,abusers of children,racist sexist bullies,creeps,money crazy cunts of big corp' evil.I want them all to burn.

Anger and rage is a precious gift.Keep it.Don't let any bastard ever tell you what to feel.Listen to advice.Suggestions.Good stuff.But if your going through a hard one and any shit says "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" then go to war.Verbally dismantle the stupid idiots.If they are a true friend they should admit they have no right to say crap like that.But if they retort with more bile then it's time to drop them.Be they lover,friend or family.

Life is far to short to allow yourself to people please the weak ones.Fuck victims.They make me sick.I will defend to the last anyone who is trying their best.

Yesterday was a truly awful experience.I'd had a great weekend at my crazy chick thing but the problem with relationships if you are a lonely person like me leaving them and returning to reality can be hideous.It's easier to be a loner in life even though it seems most foul.I was so cold yesterday.Freezing.I found it hard to get out of bed.I'd made a stupid mistake and missed a important appointment about the status of my liver.I've got this pain in my chest that feels like i'm going to have a stroke anytime.Shit means i got to spend more time in the N.H.S houses of torture.And this aint paranoia.When they find out you've been or are a drug addict there is a good chance they will treat you like crap.Yesterday i was full of dread and despair.It was pissing down with rain and pitch London grey when i went to the chemist to get my meds.I didn't want to live and i didn't want to die.I didn't want to use and i didn't want to be clean.

No matter how bad you feel it will pass.You may need a little help from friends,like the Beatles said,to make it smoother.Cool people.Like you lot.

Today the sun has broke through the murk.I'm going to work at the clinic to kick some ass.I'm going to sing in the street.If i find something funny i will laugh.And if the world suddenly implodes and it's something i can't control then so be it.Not giving a shit can save your life at times.Take it from a mean old bastard like me.

Ok.More music.One more coffee.A fag.Pull on me rags.And then it's time for the killing to start.Let's just hope a don't get blood on my new trainers.If that happens then shit!!...London will feel the true extent of what i'm capable of.

Hang ten Whitechapel. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317211#Comment_317211 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317211#Comment_317211 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 05:28:20 -0800 mojokingbee Just winding down before bed. No hassles this week although it is getting hot over here and it's not even summer yet..cycling to work in the next couple of months is gonna be sweatastic and also the hot laundry as well. I can't wait for the weekend. Hoping to be able to draw faster tomorrow. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317275#Comment_317275 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317275#Comment_317275 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:29:39 -0800 Pooka so my dj/business partner apologized and invited us to thanksgiving. it was good and fun, and we got along pretty well. Then a bunch of people and family betrayed him and he's got very few people left besides us. i really hope this peace lasts. I think he's starting to see where he misinterpreted my actions...
i just really really don't want to have to do this whole drama crap all over again...i just don't have it in me anymore. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317287#Comment_317287 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317287#Comment_317287 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:16:02 -0800 Alan Tyson
Disclaimer: This was written on "really? you call yourself a porter but I can see RIGHT THROUGH YOU so you can't REALLY be a porter" number 2, in rapid succession.

I heard all the time about the hell that working in an office can be. I was expecting high stress levels, a lot of expectations and responsibility placed on me, I was expecting to hit the ground running and plow right into the work that I'd been hired for, which was hired to write, edit, and design, and to do that for a purpose which I really do find worthwhile (can't say exactly what that purpose is, but suffice to say it's actively working towards improving and maybe saving peoples' lives). I am ready to roll up my sleeves, get that keyboard out, and kick ass while laughing maniacally.

And for the last three days, I've done nothing. The days drag, I spend most of my time analyzing what my predecessor (poorly) did in the hopes that I'll pick up on how things are done, wishing every time someone comes by my office that it's someone going "hey, if you got a second, got something I want you to do for me..." or even just "hey, you're the writing guy, yeah? Could you take a look at..." Its the ultimate First World Problem - I'm getting paid, but I haven't been asked to produce anything. I can't do that, though. I'm a writer. I have to write. And if I can't work on my own stuff at the office, the least I can do is to write what, as I understand it, I was hired to write. Hell, I even have, to the best of my ability, to no response from anyone when I send it off.

It's only been a few days since I started, but I'm already getting a sense of dread from things. Now, this is my first office job. Maybe I'm expecting too much, or expecting precisely the wrong thing. Maybe this is what it's like with everybody. Look, I know, I KNOW, that there are people on this very forum who still can't find a job, and I've got no real right to complain about having such a relatively cushy one as this, but... I felt so lucky to get this job, and now I feel like I don't really have a job. I completely understand that "we want to work! let us work!" mindset now - I thought I did before, but no, not really. I don't want a lazy job. I want to be thrown to the wolves with nothing but a loincloth and a sharp stick, and to return to the village with a wolf pelt cloak. Right now, I feel like I've got a claymore, but all the wolves are on another continent.

My problems don't count for much compared to some of you guys. I really do know that, and believe me, you guys are heroic just for getting through another day. This place keeps me laughing, gasping, and most important, it keeps me weird. I am so glad to be welcome here. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317291#Comment_317291 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317291#Comment_317291 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:45:54 -0800 Rachæl Tyrell
(and really, I feel i bitch and complain here a bit too much) ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317312#Comment_317312 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317312#Comment_317312 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:33:07 -0800 allana
Anchorhead, we should totally have ourselves a new-job recap/vent-fest at the one-month mark. Actually I guess Robin's birthday is my one-month mark -- wow, that went by quick. New job. Yep. It's a toughie. I spent so many months safe from smalltalk and family-friendly jokes and picking up on the personality clues of complete strangers and actually trying to *convince* people that my ideas were *right*... It's weird being back in that situation. And, yeah, I promised myself I would never work for an hourly wage again, because my labour is worth more than what most people earn an hour. (Yep, I went there.) And, yeah, they told me they liked me so I assumed I had some security and now I've relaxed too much and have probably started putting my foot in it a little. Enh. At least I don't have to pretend to be passionate about alcohol or some such twaddle. But I still can't step into any old situation without wanting to change it somehow, give myself more of a challenge. Us Whitechapelers just aren't good at sitting still, it seems.

Also, I'll need your membership card back now. And the pin. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317313#Comment_317313 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317313#Comment_317313 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:35:20 -0800 Alan Tyson http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317314#Comment_317314 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317314#Comment_317314 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 20:36:07 -0800 allana You'll pay for this.


(Srsly, bill's in the mail.) ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317320#Comment_317320 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317320#Comment_317320 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:04:07 -0800 Warped Savant Things I want to do and why:

-Read threads like this on here more (as well as participate) because there's a lot of really neat people on here that I want to get to know better.
-Take more pictures. Sometimes your memory doesn't hold up and there are some memories that are worth holding on to, even if it's just through a picture.
-Fix my house some more. It makes me proud to be able to fix things around my house and make it look even nicer.
-Draw something in the next year. It's been too long and I miss doing it. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317322#Comment_317322 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317322#Comment_317322 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 21:08:57 -0800 trini_naenae
@Alan/Anchorbeard: I'm afraid that most of the time office jobs are soulless, and often in the not really getting anything done kind of way. I hope you find out what the hell you are supposed to be doing soon. Are there any coworkers who could be potentially helpful that you could ask? Oh, and I believe this episode of Black Books is just about what you are going through at your job. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317334#Comment_317334 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317334#Comment_317334 Wed, 30 Nov 2011 22:04:47 -0800 razrangel
@Rachael I check my lj every day. I also have a Wordpress blog that I try to use more. But I do post sloppy thinking thoughts on my LJ every once in a while. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317347#Comment_317347 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317347#Comment_317347 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:26:13 -0800 flecky
I've got to be on form today.I'm sitting in on a meeting with reps from the fooking government on the big changes that are happening to the benefit system in good old blighty. So unfortunately i won't be able to take off all me clothes,lock the door,ass rape 'em all,tell them about the creatures that exist in the 5th dimension,debase their egos,do cognitive therapy on 'em,release my team of hideous,snarlin',mutated sex dwarves to dance around me as i cry wanking and stare at the ceiling saying "My god! Green is a different colour than purple but if you put then together in paisley patterns and stare at them on acid then you will see that we are all dead already"

The last time i did that the feedback was,frankly,a little disappointing.

What is wrong with these people?

Oh well,life goes on. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317366#Comment_317366 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317366#Comment_317366 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 06:55:23 -0800 Horrible Warning Si read entries as much as they post them. Don't be ashamed of using it.

Same goes for everyone. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317373#Comment_317373 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317373#Comment_317373 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:36:27 -0800 Pooka
arg. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317376#Comment_317376 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317376#Comment_317376 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 08:56:37 -0800 sellmeyoursoul
@Wanchorbeard - Yeah. Office jobs are not always fun. I know in my entirely different professional experience, there is an expectation of months before someone is actually able to do work of any value. If you can find a way to stay keen and figure out how to help people do their jobs better, they're more likely to trust you with doing yours. No doubt you'll be complaining about being overloaded with work and looking back on the halcyon days of being paid to web surf fondly in no time.

Me? Well, I'm moving on from the break up. This week I kicked the girl out of my G+ circle and hid her from GChat so that I wouldn't see her name/face every time I do anything on line. That was a huge help and big psychological step. During the dark period last week, there my have been a blood sacrifice to Aphrodite. (Important Note: Make sure the knife is sharp BEFORE you leave the house or you won't get much blood without much effort.) Other than that, I'm getting pages of writing done. I have no idea what I'm going to do with this comic script that I'm writing, but that's really not much different from the one I just finished since my friend hasn't drawn a damn thing for it and probably never will. (Stupid best friends. Grrr!)

I'm not really making much progress on working out the custody issues with my ex-wife, but she seemed less than enthusiastic at my last attempt to move things forward and I don't want to push too hard or else she'll dig in her heels on principal. The kid's doing well, although overnight potty training is a nightmare since my ex doesn't bother and keeps her in pull-ups. This morning, she made it all night and then wet the bed when she first woke up, because at that hour who can remember if you're with the parent that expects you to use the toilet or not? Sigh.

Speaking of work, there's a ton of it and I best be getting back. Stay sexy Whitechapel! ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317378#Comment_317378 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317378#Comment_317378 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 09:02:06 -0800 JP Carpenter
@Trini - That's one of my favourite black books episodes... I should stop modelling myself on Bernard Black... ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317397#Comment_317397 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317397#Comment_317397 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 11:11:41 -0800 chiaslut I spend some days just reading existing documentation (and that pesky, distracting internet) and fretting that I'm not doing enough. I've turned in a grand total of two things since I was hired in September; one being a series of flowcharts so they would know how their own software worked and where the data was stored. I'm generally filled with anxiety that it will be discovered that I don't know what the hell I'm doing and the little I have done is utterly incorrect.
I also hate complaining about this job because it's paying me more than I've ever made and my bosses are very cool and supportive. I just want to do a good job and not be constantly anxious about what I'm doing (or not doing).

Best of luck to you adjusting your new gig. I'm planning on sticking mine out until I either lose my mind or they kick me to the curb.

(also, I stalk you on twitter as chiaslut, in case you weren't aware.) ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317443#Comment_317443 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317443#Comment_317443 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 19:53:25 -0800 Rachæl Tyrell
So...

So two weeks ago I had myself a day. I went walking around the West Village around 11 at night, and I bought myself a portable vaporizer and my very first vibrator. It's one of those wacky machines that spins, waves, and rolls beads around inside, and has one of those bunny vibratey rabbit things towards the base. I got home to try it out, and it seems that since I've only had sex 1.5 times in the past two years (and with a smaller sized man), my insides have... shrunk. Contracted. The fucking thing doesn't fit. "Well" I told myself "at least it's got the bunny thing."

And then the bunny died. Last night I found myself disecting the thing at 4 am, peeling back silicone from plastic, and wishing for a soldering iron and some electrical tape. Cheap piece of shit wore a hole in the wire coating AND came unattached from the connector. The big wiggly wavy phallic part works. But I'd need an active sex life to get me to be able to house such a beast. But if I had a sex life, I'd not really care about a vibrator. Goddammit.

Also.

I have been playing phone tag with my rheumatologist for over a week and I finally caught his call today. He's such a nice old man, who has complimented me on my voicemail message, and has been very interested in being quite thorough with my case. Today he asked me if I could write out my medical history with EVERYTHING, as though I were writing it to someone. Bwa ha ha! I've already got one done!

Also.

This week in my crappy writing class, I ran out of time to write my narrative five page essay thing, so I just found one of my old stories on my old livejournal and printed it out and brought it to class so I'd have something to read to my workshop group. It's filled with blunt smoking in urine soaked alleyways and such. Probably not the best choice. My writing group was entertained.

Also.

I just found out that my food stamps aren't refilling. I found this out AFTER I loaded my basket with stuff and had to buy all the crap anyway. Tomorrow I'll get to spend the day at Social Security AND the Food Stamp Office. Oh, joy. And on the first Friday of the month? Good god.

Also.

Who lives somewhere interesting that has awesome Christmas times and has a place I could crash? I'm looking to avoid the terrible Christmas Eve birthdays I always have. Or, looking forward to summer, who lives somewhere not hot in the summer months that has place I could crash? Or would need a pet sitter? I need to travel, but I'm poor, but I'm desperate to get the fuck out.

Also.

I'm totally tanking out of school. Ugh. I can't think straight. I feel like I'm wasting my time on this stress of school when I should be learning how to chill the fuck out and learn to allow my whim to take me over with art. ARGH! Why am I doing this? I could be painting or something, and instead I just.... I constantly feel like the dad in Igby Goes Down.



One wrong turn down a dark corridor of thought and I'm talking to myself and on the verge of tears, random phrases slipping from my mind to my lips, half imaginary conversations whispering out my mouth. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317448#Comment_317448 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317448#Comment_317448 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:22:35 -0800 Comicbookbunny @Flecky you and I need to get together some time make pudding and then just start randomly flinging it at people- it will cheer you up no end.

So the past two weeks have been utter and total shit, dealing with other people's emotional fu (of the too much to handle variety) having crap of my own to deal with.
and was frankly getting to the point where i needed to punch someone... with a brick. I spent a lot of time trolling on here and sulking. Usually when i get that way I make hats, I currently have entirely too many actually and have run out of places to put them where they are safe.....

And I dance to cheer myself up. That lead to other problems like oh starting to loose circulation in my legs/feet... I've had two serious injuries to my neck/back and know too much bouncing around is a bad thing (trampolines mean no walking for two days.... as in legs no comply) so my legs have been in a pretty serious amount of pain the past two days with the toes falling asleep if i stand too long. Done the Dr. thing, there isn't anything to be done other than not jumping around like a monkey on crack- which i happen to like doing very much.


ALl the sulking and trolling lead me to wonder any one on here even remotely near Pennsylvania (US)?? I know all of one person here that is nifty as hell and only see at random events.
There is a serious shortage of awesomeness this-a-way.

Today was finally a ray of sunshine of fun and silliness. I took pictures outside in the fucking freezing cold, got shibari hog tied more pictures of and then went out for Vietnamese Pho yum!!
and FINALLY HAVE A WEB DESIGNER!!!! It is going to be a long and busy 6 months to get everything going but damn it i'm going for it and gonna have fun doing it.
Any excuse to buy more latex clothing is a good excuse. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317450#Comment_317450 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317450#Comment_317450 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:25:57 -0800 oldhat
I mean, beer and a number of good things have helped, and I WILL get over this, just...jesus. I feel like just hiding myself behind a fucking curtain. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317451#Comment_317451 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317451#Comment_317451 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:26:08 -0800 Jay Kay
As I mentioned earlier, I'm working a temp job at Amazon, which requires me to basically be walking around 11 hours a day. Because of this, I've naturally grown some blisters on my feet. One of them, however, is very interesting--it's under my left foot, at the top, just under my index and middle toes. It's been growing over the past few days, but when I took my shoes off earlier tonight, I found they did something interesting.

This blister has basically grown to the base of my middle toe, and then looped up to the webbing between my toes.

Now I ask you all--is this semi-common, or am I some sort of medical oddity? ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317452#Comment_317452 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317452#Comment_317452 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:27:33 -0800 oldhat http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317453#Comment_317453 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317453#Comment_317453 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:28:26 -0800 tedcroland http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317456#Comment_317456 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317456#Comment_317456 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:46:01 -0800 Warped Savant But yes, that's fairly normal. It's everything inside the blister moving around and separating skin wherever it can. Even though doctors will probably tell you not to, you may want to pop the thing to prevent it from growing much more. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317457#Comment_317457 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317457#Comment_317457 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:51:44 -0800 dorkmuffin


Yep, those are blisters inside blisters inside callouses. Edited to add: And yes. That's tape. Rowers don't put bandaids on, they put on motherfucking tape. LIKE A BOSS.

IF YOU MUST pop the blister, use a sterilized needle to drain the pus (just hold a needle over a flame for a bit), drain it with a clean paper towel by gently pressing on the blister, and then BE SURE TO USE NEOSPORIN RELIGIOUSLY. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317458#Comment_317458 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317458#Comment_317458 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:52:16 -0800 tedcroland toesocks. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317459#Comment_317459 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317459#Comment_317459 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 20:53:11 -0800 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317463#Comment_317463 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317463#Comment_317463 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:00:36 -0800 Jay Kay
@tedcroland==in my feverish daydreams while work, I've imagined replacing my feet with robot feet. That way, I would feel no pain, and they would include rockets to make me go faster. Or perhaps roller-skates, like old-school Iron Man.

]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317466#Comment_317466 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317466#Comment_317466 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:24:08 -0800 StefanJ http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317475#Comment_317475 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317475#Comment_317475 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:23:20 -0800 Rachæl Tyrell http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317476#Comment_317476 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317476#Comment_317476 Thu, 01 Dec 2011 23:55:52 -0800 Flabyo
Called out the fire brigade (cause hey, fire is bad), and then stood out in the sub-zero temperature with the chaps from the other flats while they scouted it out. They couldn't see any immediate evidence of fire (all the rooms in there can be seen through windows except one), so rather than just smash in they tried to get hold of a keyholder number from the alarm company.

Turns out they've not been keeping it up to date. Police don't have a number either.

They stuck around for another hour to be sure, then they left. They gave me a very stern message to pass on to the vets when they get in later about keeping their alarm company details up to date, which I shall be gleefully passing on shortly.

Ahhh, they've just got here and turned it off. Thank the lord, I genuinely thought I was going to go insane... ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317481#Comment_317481 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317481#Comment_317481 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:55:42 -0800 flecky Damn it! I got her on top of me with a offering of something that spurted out from her last victim.And if i don't let her smear it all over my mug then she won't cook my bloody dinner.

That's got my friday of to a good start.Yet the problem is i love all that sick shit.What's left of my melted grey head stuff thrives on perversion,horror,anger,dread,guilt,despair,angst,resentment,alienation,life,death,danger,love,hate,laughter,tears,doubt,uncertainty,truth,reality,nightmares,blood,shit,revenge,killing,screaming etc.

I believe i've shared on this thread that a few months back i had a spiritual experience that would have left lesser mortals utterly ruined.I still can feel the fear rising thinking about it.I've talked with over recovering addicts who are now "sane" and they have had something similar.

Some demon or fooking entity either left my soul or it was a new one trying to get in.I don't know.Whatever the hell it was it loves to feast on pain.The bastard was like a untrained vast as the highest mountain snarling dog.It lapped up my torment as i couldn't move my body.Time stood still. My conciousness was in deep north sea fluidic space.Shit,you should have heard it snarl.It was like being in the middle of a thousand bass bins with Lucifer himself howling down the mike till my ear drums popped.Imagine a crack whore with your auditory system in "it's" mouth just about to climax and time that with 9.999 infinitum and you still wouldn't be close.

He He He!! It was fooking excellent.The buzz when it pissed off to it's next victim was blissful.And the cool thing was there was no drug taking involved.Just a shit load of withdrawals,insomnia,physical pain etc.

Maybe i'm mad.Maybe i've read more sci-fi/horror than i'm meant to.Maybe i'm just a stupid idiot who's led a life of sin and is now in a asylum drooling the days away.Yet i think not.

Take care Whitechapel.There are forces out there that demand satisfaction.And i'm at war with them.

Coffee!! Roll up!! A DVD in bed!!Seeing the woman later!!Good stuff!! ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317489#Comment_317489 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317489#Comment_317489 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:29:10 -0800 flecky http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317490#Comment_317490 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317490#Comment_317490 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:44:29 -0800 roadscum
Me? i think i might take my apathy for a walk up at Walton on the Naze, the poor thing needs some exercise and it's a nice day - who knows, might even get a few pictures! ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317540#Comment_317540 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317540#Comment_317540 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:15:07 -0800 razrangel
You win some you lose some and the workshops will come 'round again and it costs nothing to stay in touch with my network. But it's so frustrating to not tear off onto the next stretch. I want to be over there in the pro-area right now! But like everywhere else in this capitalist world you need to have money to make money.


OK Whining over. I have an audition to complete at home today. And I've got to get to work on a presentation - all in Japanese - that I'll be giving next week. Week after that is our final. I don't have time to wallow in self-pity. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317542#Comment_317542 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317542#Comment_317542 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:31:30 -0800 icelandbob
On Tuesday i get a call from my brother. Our mum was taken to the hospital as she couldn't walk and had no feeling in her legs. For those who are in the know, my mum was diagnosed with cancer in her lung earlier this year and she was receiving chemo and radio therapy. Once that was done a few months ago, she was supposed to properly rest and recuperate. But it seemed that she wasn't taking care of herself. her house wasn't being cleaned and she wasn't speaking to the district nurses with regard to pains she was getting in her legs and her back. Needless to say my brother and i were concerned, but also a bit pissed off. Our mum is a very stubborn, pigheaded person and we felt that a lot of this could have been avoided if she had a bit of sense in her.

So i was getting prepared to to see my mum in the UK and possibly get some shopping done when i get a call from my brother on Wednesday. The doctors had found two more tumours, one in her liver, the other at the base of her spine. the tumor on her spine was eating at he nerve endings hence her lack of feeling in her legs and her inability to walk. And they couldn't operate on it. God this was getting worse, but everyone was keeping positive and the doctors were saying that they could still do lots of things. keep your chin up and all that...

Then another call on Thursday. A third tumor had been found in her brain. WTF? this is fucking awful.

So i took the plane to the UK this morning and met my brother at Birkenhead. How are things i asked.

Not good he said. He received another call this morning from the doctor dealing with our mum's cancer. there is nothing they can do to get rid of the tumours. Her cancer is terminal.

I've been to see her for a couple of hours today. she's looking rather upbeat considering, although she did tear up a bit when we talked about my brother becoming a dad in a few months time. man that was tough. Right now, we have only vague information about the full prognosis and the time frame (weeks, months, a year?). The doctors are all meeting early next week where they'll put our her "care plan". Right now i've had to cancel my plans and will be staying here all next week. We're trying to clean and decorate her house and get everything sorted out for her coming home in a couple of weeks.

right now i'm feeling a bit crumpled and miffed. i could do with a stiff drink but there's no booze in the house. I may have to pop out for some beer.

Bugger... ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317544#Comment_317544 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317544#Comment_317544 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:36:51 -0800 JP Carpenter http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317547#Comment_317547 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317547#Comment_317547 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:51:55 -0800 chiaslut http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317548#Comment_317548 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317548#Comment_317548 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:09:07 -0800 Rachæl Tyrell
I give you a non-manly hug. Mine's got the soothing power of squishy boobs and popping spine bits! ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317550#Comment_317550 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317550#Comment_317550 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:35:43 -0800 icelandbob
she originally had a scan about a month ago and they found the tumor in her lung had shrunk, but that they found something in her liver that they weren't sure what it was. She was actually due to go in for a PET scan next week to find out what it was. but when she was admitted to the hospital they checked again and confirmed the tumor in her liver and found one in her spine. then the doctor in charge of the ward she had a bed in decided to send her for a CT scan (just in case). It was then that they found the brain tumor. MRI scans will show somethings up but PET scans will confirm if it's cancer.

Effectively they can't operate and radio therapy won't work. If she gets chemo, then she will develop blood clots (as what happened when she last had chemo). doctors don't like to use the term "terminal", as it basically means that's it. they prefer to use the term "severely limited options" of care. it's all about managing the symptoms now.

But i have beer. And her dog for company...

PS - poppy spine bits are great. Squishy boobs better ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317570#Comment_317570 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317570#Comment_317570 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:51:46 -0800 razrangel
Fuck. and yeah, as a friend said when he was caring for a friend with (terminal) cancer there ain't no Stage 5. So. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

All I've got are distant virtual hugs. *hugs* ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317571#Comment_317571 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317571#Comment_317571 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 16:56:28 -0800 Fishelle
I also send internet hugs. I'm so sorry to hear that. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317576#Comment_317576 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317576#Comment_317576 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 17:17:26 -0800 Warped Savant Best of luck to your mum, and I hope your brother has a healthy, happy child.

Cheers, mate.
*internet manly hug* ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317582#Comment_317582 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317582#Comment_317582 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:07:15 -0800 Rachæl Tyrell
I've just spent the day at the food stamp office an hour and a half away. They lost my card the first time, I waited for a month, then had to go back, apply again. It worked for one month, then didn't "top up" this month. So, back I went, to spend HOURS to find out nothing. When I did get to talk to a woman after four hours of waiting, I told her that I get $648 a month to live on, and my rent is $560. "Then what do you live on? How do you buy personal things?" she asked me accusingly. "I have retroactive disability payment money still left over, but it's running out. That's the point. I need my food stamps." Once you say that you are on DISABILITY they ease up a bit, but christ. They can't call my fucking phone because my cel phone has a NJ number and they can't call out of state. And they can't let me know anything until Tuesday because for some reason computer systems take the weekend off, starting with an early Friday. Who knows when I'll get my food stamps again.

I met a woman who had a similar situation, only she's got a a full time job, a husband and four kids. With food stamps at $200 a month per family member, that's a lot of money to just suddenly not have. She gave me a cigarette, as we were both on the verge of tears and frustration by the time we left. As we walked towards the subway, we stopped at a meat patty place, and instead of watching her count her quarters, I bought her two.

The whole system is fucked. While I was in there, the TV had MSNBC with the republican nominees, all talking about how they were going to cut Medicare, Medicaid, Welfare, and Food Stamps. It was like a cruel joke. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317585#Comment_317585 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317585#Comment_317585 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:30:30 -0800 trini_naenae
@Rachael: Cruel joke. Yep, that's pretty much it, isn't it? It's got to get better eventually, right? Earlier you mentioned wanting to spend the summer somewhere that is less hot. If I have an apartment and there's enough room, maybe you can sleep on the couch bed. I don't know if it's going to be a cool summer or warm summer, but there's a really big and really cold lake that I live next to, if all else fails. And it's really pretty. So if you're interested, that might be a possibility. I can't promise anything, but maybe it could work. It would be nice to have another artsy creative person who actually knows what the internet is around here. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317592#Comment_317592 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317592#Comment_317592 Fri, 02 Dec 2011 22:12:17 -0800 oldhat
Get yourself of a bottle of something numbing and know we're all here for you.

*hugs* ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317610#Comment_317610 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317610#Comment_317610 Sat, 03 Dec 2011 02:52:40 -0800 roadscum http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317614#Comment_317614 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317614#Comment_317614 Sat, 03 Dec 2011 05:34:07 -0800 Alan Tyson
I'm gonna second what roadscum said, and offer American hugs. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317617#Comment_317617 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317617#Comment_317617 Sat, 03 Dec 2011 06:22:02 -0800 Beamish http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317621#Comment_317621 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317621#Comment_317621 Sat, 03 Dec 2011 08:21:56 -0800 dorkmuffin http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317633#Comment_317633 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317633#Comment_317633 Sat, 03 Dec 2011 10:29:56 -0800 Stoto
Bob, despite not knowing you in person, I've built a great deal of respect towards you via this place. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Like everyone else here, I wish I could do more than just add a few words. But just want you to know that you've got mates here that you can vent to anytime you feel you can't vent elsewhere. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317658#Comment_317658 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317658#Comment_317658 Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:38:16 -0800 Rootfireember -sorry about your mom, the tumors and cancer(s). Dealt with that crap and the death wait, too, though not for my parent. :( Lots of hugs and sympathies. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317659#Comment_317659 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317659#Comment_317659 Sat, 03 Dec 2011 13:47:22 -0800 JP Carpenter
Apart from the bubonic Ebola pox, I haven't been too bad this week, I managed to walk to the office on several occasions, and get stuff done on the train. Work has been extremely difficult, and very hard to get motivated, I don't expect next week will be much better especially if I'm still ill.

Things are still quite hard with my partner, she's extremely depressed and volatile, and has been saying stuff that worries me a lot. I think she's edging towards agreeing that she needs to talk to a counsellor, someone who isn't me, and who isn't involved. I hate that I can't be the one to support her, but I'm too partisan, some of the problem is that we both feel very different ways about something, and when we talk about it I get really upset for different reasons and it turns into a row, and then when I'm on my own again I feel awful for it. @Rachael suggested couples counselling a week or so back - that might be an option later, we had it a few years ago in another rough patch and it really helped keep us together. I'm hoping she's going to seek help for what she's going through right now. Ah, god, it will get better, it will.

Her parents have just returned from 15 years living in Spain, with three dogs and two cats. They're 20 minutes drive from us, which is useful and gives her some more support. She hadn't seen her dad for two years before today, we couldn't get there, and he couldn't fly/wouldn't travel to England - he's very ill with emphysema and is on oxygen most of the time. He'd only seen my youngest daughter once, it's good that they'll get to spend some time with him now as I'm not sure how much longer he's got.

Internet Vile Hugs to all. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317687#Comment_317687 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317687#Comment_317687 Sun, 04 Dec 2011 07:20:42 -0800 flecky @JP Carpenter:Hang in there.

Something bad has happened in my old mom's life and i've not got the balls at the moment to ring her.

I'm stuck in my detox as per usual.I'm full of self pity and i hate the western world.

I hate hurting people...

Lost in limbo.Shit is going to happen today.

Take care all. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317724#Comment_317724 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317724#Comment_317724 Sun, 04 Dec 2011 13:59:17 -0800 Will Ellwood http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317727#Comment_317727 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317727#Comment_317727 Sun, 04 Dec 2011 14:45:14 -0800 Greasemonkey http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317743#Comment_317743 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317743#Comment_317743 Sun, 04 Dec 2011 20:36:46 -0800 DavidLejeune the nicest place on the internet. Out of context that seems weird and almost cruel, but in context: I'd e-mailed her a link to a Rachel Brice video shortly before Thanksgiving, and she responded within minutes (highly unusual), and then I replied and she went silent. Which was pretty much what happened when I drunk texted her that time before Halloween, so I figured that was that, and okay then. But then she replies to that e-mail thread with that link, and I feel myself going down the weird obsessive analytical rabbit hole that I do, which isn't good. I want to reply because I want to keep talking to her, but I don't know what to say. When we had the all too brief post-drunk text conversation she'd said that she thought of me when she went to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery Day of the Dead thing, and I broke down crying, so I almost want to tell her she needs to be very careful what she sends to me because she'll give me ideas, but I know if I do that then she'll just stop talking to me altogether again.

So yeah, my life still sucks. I've been out for drinks with two different ladies in the past couple of weeks, the day after Thanksgiving with former WC regular Miki Marsala, and the Monday after Thanksgiving with a girl I met on Halloween, and while I like them both as friends, there is absolutely no spark. And that frustrates me a bit. All my ex had to do was lean against me, or take my arm while we walked and my heart would beat so fast it felt like I would explode. And it was always like that, from the very first time we hung out. And I want that again, but I don't think it's possible.

I've made up my mind that I'm going to New York around Christmas. Just trying to decide if I want to leave on the 23rd and stay through the 27th, or the 26th and stay through the 30th (get out of there before NYE, because I'm pretty sure the town goes completely fucking nuts on the 31st). ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317752#Comment_317752 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317752#Comment_317752 Sun, 04 Dec 2011 22:22:05 -0800 mister86
I had ideas, concepts, theoretical movements on the battleplan of my mind, but they were dashed as so many thoughts are, due to painful circumstance. A time of the year where I was at my lowest emotionally was made deeper, honestly to the point of physical pain that I refused to admit to anyone. It lasted for a fair length of time. Strangely enough, however, it ended up being a catalyst for me. The shaking of the foundation of my contentment led me to considering options I hadn't before. Options that once more worked in my favor after blindly charging ahead without a damn clue as to what the fuck I was doing.

It's just been a roller coaster year, internally at least. The physical was very staid and static. Get up, go work, come home. Internally, I maneuvered from the absolutely worst I've ever been, to a point of actually feeling like I've done something of worth for a change. But I can't help but admit it; for all I've gained, I'd trade it all to have what I lost.

I guess sometimes you just need a kick in the teeth. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317756#Comment_317756 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317756#Comment_317756 Sun, 04 Dec 2011 23:25:21 -0800 Rachæl Tyrell
Me. I am debating if I should drop out of school. It's gotten me some loan money to hold me over and some health coverage, and that's fabulous, but my Disability did finally kick in, and my medicare starts in February. I like the idea of being a student and going to school, but I ... I'm a fucking mess. I can't function. I mean, there is a reason I'm on disability, and a lot of that has nothing to do with my body crapping out on me all the time. The headaches keep coming, and the fatique is a constant battle, sure, but it's more about... I've only got so many "spoons". (Y'see, in the chronic illness community, there's the concept of spoons, started by a chick in a diner explaining to her best friend what it's like to be always ill. She compared it to having so many spoons. Laundry, going out for food, grocery shopping, being social, each one takes away spoons, and you've already got so few.) I'm constantly in a panic about what I have to do, can't concentrate on it, but don't do anything else. I'm frozen in a constant frantic freakout of fear and guilt. And yeah, honestly, I could catch up and do ok in my classes.

But I'd have to do nothing else.

And I'm so fucking lonely. And I'm so fucking in my head. And I thrive on distraction and the joy of the moment, because when I don't have that my brain devours itself and I end up sobbing hysterically at... everything. I think I need to relax and live for a while. Not feel so scared and stressed like I have been constantly for the past three years. Maybe feel free.

And there's very little that I feel I'm getting out of school. I have no plans to get a degree, or at least, no plans for how I'd utilize one. The one incentive that school provides is perhaps a student visa to get me overseas, but at this point I feel like I'd have better luck doing that if I concentrated on art as my vehicle. I'm surrounded by artists for the first time in my life, and I've done jack shit but freak out about bullshit remedial classes in NJ. I think I'm doing it wrong.

When I suddenly told myself yesterday that there was no reason I couldn't drop out at this point, I felt wonderful. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317770#Comment_317770 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317770#Comment_317770 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 03:10:51 -0800 flecky
Where the hell do i start? I'm at my cool woman friends flat outside bad London.I'm feeling the respite from the small dosage of suboxone i took a bit earlier.So i got a little bit of sanity at the moment.

She's asleep in the bedroom.I slept on the couch.I was so ill with anxiety last night that i wanted to smash my head of a wall.I've been using diazepam(valium) to help me get through the fooking horrors of methadone withdrawls.It seems i've allowed myself to get a bit soft of late.I've stupidly reactivated my valium addiction and it's been five or so days without it.Let it go on record.Benzodiazipines are yet another ultra fooking evil drug.Much worse than heroin.If used in moderation for short periods they can be beneficial but when doctors dish them out without considering long term damage then they are being cunts.Yet i'm just as much a cunt for manipulating the stuff from them.So me and doctors are cunts.But my doctor is a good man so i've just lied.

NOTHING IS TRUE.

I've never had a emotional relationship with another flesh pot that didn't end in shit.For a grown man i'm a little brat at times.Even when other men say i'm their best friend i start to sort of hate them.It's so much easier to be the bad guy.There's a part of me that actually enjoys it when people don't like me or are scared of me.I can't believe i've not been beaten to a pulp this past year.The idioitic behaviour i've exhibited,even though it brings a smile to my face,to clean up my act as a addict has been off the scale.Going up to the police and laughing my head off at them to provoke a response just for the hell of it.I guess i still got a grudge against them for all the shit they've thrown at me in the past.They set me up for drug related crap which i hadn't done.Kicked the shit out of me for trying to stop them from physically abusing a mentally ill girl.Sent me to prison as a scape goat to set a example when i was a kid living in Newcastle U.K.Put me in the notorious mental health wing in Brixton prison on suicide watch because i tried to calmly ask for some meds as i was so junk sick i couldn't fooking walk.I've had the old good cop bad cop routine so many times it's pathetic.Two plain clothed drug squad idiots holding me as long as possible until i'm a wreck actually sitting there reading porn and smoking cigars saying i am the trash of humanity.Laughing at me when i cried asking for a ciggy.Saying i was worse than a rapist.Torture.Simple as.

They crazy thing is my dad used to be a cop.A good cop.And i've met some great cops.Shit.. i just remembered.I used to sell speed pills ripped off from chemists to cops in pubs and clubs.That's some crazy shit,eh?

Anyway.My girlfriend will be awake soon and i'm going to have to say sorry for some of the cold shit i said to her last night.She wanted to fuck but all i wanted to do was destroy this messed up world.

I got a lot of respect for this site.To be honest things like facebook,blogs,twitters or whatever they are called make me sick to the core.Yet i'm a hypocrite as if it wasn't for the net i wouldn't be able to have this thing in my life and for some reason i love Whitechapel.

I've still not rang my mother as i feel someone has either died or she is really ill in hospital.The fear of fear is a hideous thing.And because of the state my body is in due to detoxing..and my fragile state of mind..numb legs etc i feel pretty hopeless as to what i can do to help.

Coffee and a roll up methinks.

Take care kids.Your fooking worth it. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317775#Comment_317775 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317775#Comment_317775 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 04:53:48 -0800 Fauxhammer http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317788#Comment_317788 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317788#Comment_317788 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 08:28:06 -0800 keyofsilence
My dog had to be put down on Saturday. We had her since 1999 and I loved every single day I spent with her. I went through all of my awkward teens and early twenties with her just always there, just one great big German Shepherd-shaped ball of fluffy love. Every single relationship that failed, every single shitty day at school, every single trouble I ever had was softened by her running up to me with her tail wagging whenever I walked through the door. She was always happy to see me, or anyone for that matter.

I'm sad that I couldn't be there to say goodbye. My dad was up with her the whole night as she was suffering and had to make the decision. If he'd called me at 5am and told me that she was going to be put down I'd have torn my way through hell to be with her, but he didn't and I slept through it, unaware, about 25 miles away. Dad called me after it had happened and he just fell to pieces over the phone. I'd never heard him that upset. He's a big man and it surprises me whenever he shows any kind of vulnerability. It's to be expected though, of course.

Both me and my brother have left home, and it's just my mum and dad left at the house now. I bet that house feels terribly empty now that she's gone, and I can feel that emptiness even though I'm not there. I'm glad that the last time I saw her, about two weeks ago, was so wonderful. She hadn't been well for a few months but there she was, in great spirits as always. I made a massive fuss of her and tried to ignore just how much weight she'd lost because she just didn't want to eat anymore. She was just as attentive as me. After I stopped stroking her and ruffling her furry face she looked back at me happily, as if to say "get back here and love me. I have had nowhere near enough affection." And she just didn't stop looking at me. I had no idea that would be the last time we'd ever see each other, but I suppose they were the best circumstances in which to part. Neither of us suspecting that it would be the last time.

I'm getting through it by thinking about just how great her life was, and not by mourning her death. I can't say that makes it any easier, although I guess it's a more optimistic way of grieving. She was well-loved by everyone she ever came into contact with, and I'm sure she loved us all back just as ferociously and completely.

I can't possibly fathom just how much I'm going to miss her as I continue through my life, always noticing the big dog-shaped hole where she should be. ]]> http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317827#Comment_317827 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317827#Comment_317827 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 14:33:19 -0800 government spy http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317856#Comment_317856 http://freakangels.com/whitechapel/comments.php?DiscussionID=10359&Focus=317856#Comment_317856 Mon, 05 Dec 2011 19:00:49 -0800 dorkmuffin