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  1.  (10359.1)
    Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough Week.

    Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

    I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.

    --------

    1. I HAVE INTERNET ACCESS AT HOME NOW.
    2. THERE IS NO 2.
  2.  (10359.2)
    Greetings Whitechapel.

    Hope everyone's well, or at least, tolerably so.

    Ups and downs, always ups and downs...

    Feeling a lot stronger mentally than I have done for some time. This is good, and am trying to make it last. Having more days that feel 'right'. Have done a lot of practical stuff to make that happen - organising, fixing (I have the coffee machine on a timer to deliver me a big fresh mug of filter coffee at 4 am whythefuckdidinotthinkofthatyearsago). Work is utterly batshit mental at the moment, which is dangerous, but hopefully after this week things calm down a bit over Christmas.

    Youngest daughter is being ever so cute and is cheering me up no end. I'm worried about my eldest though, quite a lot - she's having problems with other kids again and being picked on. I wish I knew how to help her better, I think she's quite full on with people and can be abrasive, probably she's picked up a lot of my worse traits of sarcasm which I'm not very proud of. It hurts to see her upset by this.


    And there's also an awful lot going in my relationship with my partner at the moment, which is quite difficult and painful, I thought about talking about it here, but that's probably not fair as it's all too raw and personal. Just to say, we're picking our way through a mess that has been causing us difficulty for some years . We've had stupid rows two nights running. I desperately want to avoid a third.

    It's getting cold here, and the wind is starting to whip around my study. I have a bottle of wine here, the first drink I've had for about three weeks. I just hope that's a good idea.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeNov 26th 2011
     (10359.3)
    O fooking pox hell.I just did a post that now resides in the void.

    Basically it's saturday night and i'm hyper pissed off.I hate saturday nights now i'm a mean old resentful bastad.

    I'm calling in a napalm strike to torch shitty London.From me bedroom..

    Bloody 'ell!!
  3.  (10359.4)
    @John: Glad things are getting better mood wise. I wish I had something helpful to add for your oldest daughter. I hope it gets better soon, (also for you and your partner).

    As for me, there really isn't much of anything going on lately. There aren't any one bedroom apartments available in town, the other options are too expensive, and there are affordable apartments in a nearby city (very small city), but that would increase my gas usage significantly and I very much prefer to only buy gas once a month at most. Also, the money I'd spend on gas would make up the difference anyway.

    Otherwise? Meh. I plan to do shopping over the weekend, and then the weekend comes, and I look outside, and I really can't be bothered. I plan to do social things, but the time comes, and I just don't care. I've been experiencing some fairly high levels of apathy that are making me more and more antisocial. On the bright side, I've been slowly but surely cleaning my room and doing my chores. So yay? The apathy bothers me kind of. Well, I know I should be bothered by the apathy, and that it is probably a side effect of the citalopram and wellbutrin, but if I try to get off the anti-depressants I'll probably become an emotional mess, and well, that's worse. What it boils down to is that I've been stagnant enough, and enough attempts at trying to make things better have just not worked out, and it's really hard to care anymore. Too many rejections relationship wise (friendships and romantic), too little mojo or reaction or anything for the art, and trying to live on my own is going nowhere, and it's just... whatever. All I really want to do is to be distracted by shiny pretty things and pretend things are ok anyway. Because fuck it, I just don't care anymore. And the energy and desire to care is all gone and used up. Don't worry, I'm not going to have any breakdowns, or do anything really. It's just how things are, and maybe something will change, but if/until it does... meh.

    Today was also a big extended family thanksgiving get together at the house that turned out well. Not including my sister, we had nine guests (four couples and one woman), all related to my mom somehow. That is one of the things about living in this area. I've been learning about my mom's family history, and meeting the various parts of my mom's family and getting to know more of the background and their impact on the area. Since I grew up all over the world disconnected from my grandparents and relatives most of the time, this is a huge treat.
    •  
      CommentAuthorJay Kay
    • CommentTimeNov 26th 2011
     (10359.5)
    Well, this week I started temp work at Amazon. This is pretty good, because it pays really well. What isn't as good is the fact that I'm walking somewhere around 20 miles a day, 10 hours a day, potentially six days a week, and I have a sinking feeling that it's going to destroy me by the end of the year. I'm just hoping that I don't injure myself with it.

    Because of that, there's not much to report. It especially sucks because I haven't been feeling up to drawing or writing anything since I started work. I'll just make it a New Year's Resolution, I suppose.
  4.  (10359.6)
    @Jay Kay - this is going to sound totally stupid but I really struggled with the job I had that involved running from printer to printer to printer to drum scanner to computer 8 hours a day until I started cycling to work. Once my aerobic fitness improved the grind of those long, long hours on my feet in the lab didn't seem impossible anymore.
    •  
      CommentAuthordorkmuffin
    • CommentTimeNov 27th 2011
     (10359.7)
    @Jay Kay, buy REALLY good shoes. Orthotics, even.
    •  
      CommentAuthorOsmosis
    • CommentTimeNov 27th 2011
     (10359.8)
    @ Jay - 20 miles a day! Is this up and down the aisles in the warehouse, or making deliveries, or what?
  5.  (10359.9)
    Everything is hysterically ironic.

    There's my years-long heartbreak. I'd been hoping, waiting, missing. I'd been hopeful, because I recently had realized that every emotional meltdown between us happened right as a period of terrible brain swelling headaches was going on. Everything was fine between us until the headaches first began, and it seems that Lyme Disease brain swelling causes emotional shifts and changes and instability. This had me quite excited. That meant all the terribleness, all the tears, wasn't as dire. It was like there was some kind of monster mutant PMS, some kind of physical thing that I could pin the crazy on. It made me think that we could be alright. Maybe the best friends he thought we were, maybe the romantic partners I thought we were.

    And then my doctor told me that I don't have Lyme Disease. And it's doubtful I ever did. And that what I've got is similar to Lupus. And yet, I keep getting recurrent bouts of brain swelling headaches. Wait. Why did I suddenly get so sick, then? What causes sudden flares of tissue swelling in Lupus, or other autoimmune disorders?

    Extreme physical and/or emotional stress.

    So I had it all backwards. I was so utterly decimated, so wrecked, so completely destroyed by the only human I had in the world, the only human I trusted, the one I let become my everything, that I triggered a monumental flare of a terrible symptom that up until then had been mostly lurking. So much that I was bed ridden for almost a year. I am severely emotionally allergic to the only human I've felt truly close to in the past decade. Faaaabulous.

    I've been trying. Desperately trying. To get over my stupid heartbreak.

    Part of this is throwing myself into the world and trying to switch up my normal patterns. I've been cramming myself into a daytime schedule, though I (and he) are naturally and severely nocturnal. So, I've been waking before noon if possible instead of going to bed at dawn, and going walking or sitting in the sun-flooded livingroom all afternoon. This will be good for me, I thought. Sun. It's good for battling depression, it's good for normalizing circadian rhythm, and I've already been diagnosed as having insanely low levels and was put on a 'script of Vitamin D. I can be more social, and I'll be more likely to meet other humans and feel less lonely if I'm not such a nocturnal creature. I've been enjoying day time for the first time in literally years. I love nature, and walking through the woods and smelling nature actually makes me feel high.

    Y'know what else causes flares in autoimmune disorders?

    UV light.
  6.  (10359.10)
    @flecky - I've made a point to write out my posts in my email before I post them here, because one wrong slip of the finger on the backspace key, and WHOOOSH!

    @trini - This sort of overall "meh" that you are going through, and the use of your antidepressants, isn't that something that might be worked out with your doctor? could you not try something different, or a different combination of dosages?

    @Singularity Jones - Have you tried couple counseling? If it's a years-long issue, I feel like a mediator helps in those situations. Things get so raw.

    @jay kay - just think of how fit you'll be! I'm sort of jealous.
    •  
      CommentAuthordorkmuffin
    • CommentTimeNov 27th 2011
     (10359.11)


    I'm sorry, it's my automatic response to any mention of "Lupus"

    That's a big ball of suck, Rachael. I'm sorry to hear things are continually rough for you and it's got to be insanely rough that no one seems to be able to give you a straight answer with regards to your health. You know what you should do with regards to the UV light? BIG FLOPPY HAT. Those are great ways to block UV light, and a big floppy hat is a great mood-booster.
  7.  (10359.12)
    Ha ha ha. I see your House and raise you a Chronic Illness Cat!



    It's frustrating, and I'd like to make some sort of official distinction between "physical disability" and "chronic illness". It's really amazing how many people mention how "people with NO ARMS can go on to have productive lives, why can't you?" I'd really rather I had an arm missing, or both legs, or even one of my eyes. At least then I could bust my ass with what I'd got left. At least then I'd know my parameters.

    However, I suppose I can now really justify gothing it up. An occasional eyepatch, an occasional cane, a corset to straighten my ribs out, a big floppy hat, and a parasol? yeeeaaaaah. Man, I'm really missing having black hair at the moment.
    •  
      CommentAuthorJay Kay
    • CommentTimeNov 27th 2011
     (10359.13)
    @Kay Orchison: That sounds like a good idea, but I'm way too far away to get there by bike, and I'm pretty much limping by the time I get home.

    @dorkmuffin: I have now--good ole' Dr. Scholls. I had some other shoes the first few days that I thought would be comfortable enough, but DAMN was I wrong.

    @Osmosis: Up and down aisles, yes.

    @Rachæl Tyrell: Holy crap, I'm sorry to hear about everything going on with you. Makes all the crap I'm dealing with feel so small in comparison. I hope things get better for you soon. But yeah, my advisor did say that she lost a good 10-15 pounds working there after four months, and I'm already starting to feel a little tighter around my legs and back.
  8.  (10359.14)
    Hey I've got two female convicts at work with actual documented Lupus. When I found out, I actually yelled out loud, "How many people here have freakin' Lupus???"

    And the two women raised their hands.

    "Just us."

    "Oh. Sorry. I watch too much House."
  9.  (10359.15)
    @Rachael: I'll probably make a big deal about it the next time I go in. Usually they want to up the meds and I try to fight that, but maybe if I make a big enough noise about the apathy, they'll listen a little more. I should also try to get counselling but ... actually I'm not going to go into that, because if I do I'll just get ranty and next thing I know I've typed a couple hundred words about the level of pretense and incompetence I've encountered over the years. Expensive pretense and incompetence. Grrr. But seriously, I'm like spoiled in comparison. I suppose you can take comfort in that every bit of knowledge that you learn you can use to get that one little bit better. But still, Lupus? Well fuck!

    @JayKay: It might actually be worth it at some point to put aside a hundred dollars or so and go to one of those expensive shoe stores that specialize in comfortable shoes that fit just right. The next time I go to Duluth, I probably will do that myself, simply because my back and foot pain from working is really pathetic.
    •  
      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeNov 28th 2011
     (10359.16)
    @rachael Huh. That really makes me revisit one the “funny” comments a former lover said to me during one of the myriad times I had a flareup of iritis in the midst of our...uh, relationship... “Maybe you're allergic to threesomes?”

    Yeah that relationship wasn't healthy. And neither were my eyes. Hm.. I'll have to pay better attention to what was happening maybe a month before an episode. The ophthalmologist used to say to try to remain calm and chill – perhaps meditate – during an episode because he had a theory that it was related to stress. But thinking back, they seemed to really hit hard a month-ish afterward some big mess went done. One time it would be a huge relationship/emotional disaster, another time it would be working 55 hours/week and averaging two hours of sleep per night.

    Silly doctors. Keep on trucking, Rachael, we're pullin for ya.


    Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune. 

    National eat too much week, and boy have I been toeing the line. I'm getting tired of this. I'm actively feeling uncomfortable day in and day out, clothing is tight, chairs with arms are tight, digestion is so slow I can feel it pushing up, the skin I can feel... Ugh anyway. The only thing I can do – that is, where I have any option – is to exercise. I have very little control over the food here. Some control, but trust me it's very little. I used to be so good at regimenting myself: two hour walks or one hour swimming, or on an elliptical machine; I ate properly and rarely indulged in sweets or fatty food. Now we only have heavy, greasy food in the house and in the last two weeks I've hopped on the ski machine once. Gah. I have to rebuild the discipline while surrounded by people who believe in but that.

    Ah but I do love my family. And we're sort of getting along at the moment, even despite the sniping and the patronizing and the staring & thinking “WTF is wrong with you??” OB, though, isn't here and I wish he were part of the loving. But OB is the hardest to live with and it's been so lovely quiet since he's been gone. He's due back in about a week. I'm dreading the noise and nonsense he brings. That's all there is to it.

    Pissing me off have been all manner of intarwub things what think they can make life easier and simpler for me but in fact just fuck up my use of the Internet. I don't need Google to serve me the same results I got last time for a search term, that actually defeats the purpose of doing research online. I don't need facebook to lump my friends updates together under subject groupings, that actually makes it harder to keep up with my disparate friends. I don't need to see all the activities of the people I follow on Twitter, some very basic things, beginning (and largely ending) with who retweeted me. I don't need my incoming email bulked together by sender, I don't want Yahoo to spam facebook with what article I opened because the headline was so baffling I needed to see what the hell it was actually about, I don't need my backspace usage to tell Chrome to return to the previous Web page when I'm trying to edit something in a typing field....

    More than once this week I thought I should tell facebook to take a flying leap and just check out. So little out of all the information output facebook gives me is anything I actually want, whereas what I want is made increasingly difficult to find. But... besides being the primary tool that will reach the bulk of my friends (when those fuckers have told me they don't like talking on the phone, texting is superior to emailing and they're more likely to check fb than their inbox), too many other Web sites and services are also failing me utterly that fuck it. Web 2.0 is here, it stinks and bitching about it is clearly best served as weekend venting over a good drink. So cheers. *clink*

    I'm not as harsh as several friends have been about the Occupy stuff – I am glad that it's happening, that people aren't quietly venting to their Google circle. But I do think there needs to be something a little more concrete if we want anything to actually change. I do think the Obama administration is just waiting out the protestors. I do think the mainstream wants to get it but doesn't quite yet because of the lack of any mechanics (I don't mean lack of any message, we get the message, we don't get what needs to happen). But all in all, I romanticized the 60s when I was wee one and did quite a bit of research into the many groups and protests and movements when I was in high school. I feel like I discovered socialism and idealism long before it was cool. But, I always wondered if I had been around for the 60s where I would have ended up. And the conclusion I've come to is that I'd be the beatnik off to the side of the signs and the drumming, in the thick eyeliner and cigarette, mumbling bits of fiction to myself. All I'm missing is the beret. Seriously.

    I want to be able to provide. I want to earn an income and I want it now. I feel like a fucking bum waiting, pushing and borrowing from my mom in some theory that it'll pay off later. I want to help my family now. I feel like shit asking the world for money. Not only something utterly material, but courting cupidity. I don't want a big house or a snazzy car, I want something that won't fall apart on me as soon as I look at it – or at least I want to not have to be afraid that if it falls apart I'm completely fucked. I want to be able to go to the doctor. I want to pay off my loans. Yeah, these are better problems to have than worry about scarcity or severe health problems or being personally responsible for other humans. But the promise of my country is that if I am willing then the avenues to solving my problems through effort should be open to me. (yep, that echoes the above Occupy stuff, like I said I like that they're out there. Now, let's work on results!)

    I'm going to change everything eventually with some mindblowing work of art marrying fiction and philosophy, creating a narrative to superimpose on reality or that looks at American histories or that saves people who need saving or that feeds the hungry... or just let's me pay back my mom.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFauxhammer
    • CommentTimeNov 28th 2011
     (10359.17)
    I ate like a fucking cockaroach all goddamn weekend. It's lean chicken and quinoa from here on out.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFinagle
    • CommentTimeNov 28th 2011
     (10359.18)
    One of the mouth-breathers they've hired around here to do "account management" sent out an email this morning suggesting we take up a collection to get the owner and his wife something for a holiday gift.

    We didn't get a year-end bonus last year. There was a lame holiday party halfway into January. Everyone's gone without reviews or raises for a year or longer - this is on top of the one-year probationary period with no paid vacation, mind you. Several key employees have just quit.

    Because see, we already make a 'voluntary' contribution of $2 on Fridays if we wear jeans, that goes towards a 'charity shopping fund' for some local youth. I've not worn jeans for the past year.

    Needless to say, the aforementioned mouth-breather was roundly mocked. Especially as the initial idea was to get them a getaway to the Trapp Family Lodge. Yes, that Trapp family. Did I mention the owner is Jewish? Nothing like a WWII-themed Austrian family getaway to put Jewish folk in that holiday spirit.

    Where do these people come from.
    • CommentAuthorRenThing
    • CommentTimeNov 28th 2011
     (10359.19)
    @Finagle

    I prefer to think the answer to your final question is some strange alternate reality where everyone is dropped repeatedly on their heads for the first year of their lives and the survivors are sent to live beneath power lines and fed a steady diet of paint chips and radiator fluid.

    Then they somehow escape.
  10.  (10359.20)
    Where do these people come from.


    I don't care. It's just where the bastards go that's the problem.