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    • CommentAuthoricelandbob
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2011 edited
     (10359.61)
    @rachael

    she originally had a scan about a month ago and they found the tumor in her lung had shrunk, but that they found something in her liver that they weren't sure what it was. She was actually due to go in for a PET scan next week to find out what it was. but when she was admitted to the hospital they checked again and confirmed the tumor in her liver and found one in her spine. then the doctor in charge of the ward she had a bed in decided to send her for a CT scan (just in case). It was then that they found the brain tumor. MRI scans will show somethings up but PET scans will confirm if it's cancer.

    Effectively they can't operate and radio therapy won't work. If she gets chemo, then she will develop blood clots (as what happened when she last had chemo). doctors don't like to use the term "terminal", as it basically means that's it. they prefer to use the term "severely limited options" of care. it's all about managing the symptoms now.

    But i have beer. And her dog for company...

    PS - poppy spine bits are great. Squishy boobs better
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      CommentAuthorrazrangel
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2011
     (10359.62)
    Balls, dude. At the very least you could be there in person. But that ain't much. At least she does have something to look on and smile with you and your brother (no self-deprecating, now mums tend to like seeing their boys no matter what).

    Fuck. and yeah, as a friend said when he was caring for a friend with (terminal) cancer there ain't no Stage 5. So. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

    All I've got are distant virtual hugs. *hugs*
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      CommentAuthorFishelle
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2011
     (10359.63)
    @icelandbob

    I also send internet hugs. I'm so sorry to hear that.
  1.  (10359.64)
    Bob -- That's awful. My grandmother is currently going through a similar thing. They've tried everything, it's not working, they say to take it a season at a time.
    Best of luck to your mum, and I hope your brother has a healthy, happy child.

    Cheers, mate.
    *internet manly hug*
  2.  (10359.65)
    @iceland bob - Between my squishy boobs and popping spine just think of me as human bubble wrap when hugged. Mmmmm... fleshy bubble wrap.

    I've just spent the day at the food stamp office an hour and a half away. They lost my card the first time, I waited for a month, then had to go back, apply again. It worked for one month, then didn't "top up" this month. So, back I went, to spend HOURS to find out nothing. When I did get to talk to a woman after four hours of waiting, I told her that I get $648 a month to live on, and my rent is $560. "Then what do you live on? How do you buy personal things?" she asked me accusingly. "I have retroactive disability payment money still left over, but it's running out. That's the point. I need my food stamps." Once you say that you are on DISABILITY they ease up a bit, but christ. They can't call my fucking phone because my cel phone has a NJ number and they can't call out of state. And they can't let me know anything until Tuesday because for some reason computer systems take the weekend off, starting with an early Friday. Who knows when I'll get my food stamps again.

    I met a woman who had a similar situation, only she's got a a full time job, a husband and four kids. With food stamps at $200 a month per family member, that's a lot of money to just suddenly not have. She gave me a cigarette, as we were both on the verge of tears and frustration by the time we left. As we walked towards the subway, we stopped at a meat patty place, and instead of watching her count her quarters, I bought her two.

    The whole system is fucked. While I was in there, the TV had MSNBC with the republican nominees, all talking about how they were going to cut Medicare, Medicaid, Welfare, and Food Stamps. It was like a cruel joke.
  3.  (10359.66)
    @icelandbob: Damn. Hugs.

    @Rachael: Cruel joke. Yep, that's pretty much it, isn't it? It's got to get better eventually, right? Earlier you mentioned wanting to spend the summer somewhere that is less hot. If I have an apartment and there's enough room, maybe you can sleep on the couch bed. I don't know if it's going to be a cool summer or warm summer, but there's a really big and really cold lake that I live next to, if all else fails. And it's really pretty. So if you're interested, that might be a possibility. I can't promise anything, but maybe it could work. It would be nice to have another artsy creative person who actually knows what the internet is around here.
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      CommentAuthoroldhat
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2011
     (10359.67)
    Oh Gods...Bob, I'm so sorry to hear that...I hope that whatever happens, she's not in any pain.

    Get yourself of a bottle of something numbing and know we're all here for you.

    *hugs*
    • CommentAuthorroadscum
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2011
     (10359.68)
    @icelandbob: I went through the same thing with my Dad. You have my very deepest sympathy sir, make sure you remember to take care of yourself along with everybody else.
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      CommentAuthorAlan Tyson
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2011 edited
     (10359.69)
    Goddamn... I'm sorry, Bob. Shit.

    I'm gonna second what roadscum said, and offer American hugs.
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      CommentAuthorBeamish
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2011
     (10359.70)
    Sorry to hear that Bob. The two of you will be in my prayers.
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      CommentAuthordorkmuffin
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2011
     (10359.71)
    @icelandbob, I can't say much other people haven't already said, so I'm adding my voice to the rest of Whitechapel. We're here if you need us.
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      CommentAuthorStoto
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2011
     (10359.72)
    @icelandbob

    Bob, despite not knowing you in person, I've built a great deal of respect towards you via this place. I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Like everyone else here, I wish I could do more than just add a few words. But just want you to know that you've got mates here that you can vent to anytime you feel you can't vent elsewhere.
  4.  (10359.73)
    @icelandbob
    -sorry about your mom, the tumors and cancer(s). Dealt with that crap and the death wait, too, though not for my parent. :( Lots of hugs and sympathies.
  5.  (10359.74)
    I've come down with a totally stinking cold. I should probably have taken time off work last week, but didn't, now I'm bloody ill at the weekend which I really don't like being. Haven't managed to do much today apart from sit in my beanbag wrapped in a poncho and cough, although I did have to go and do a mammoth supermarket shop. I had intended to buy products that would be of use in the impending financial apocalypse, but instead I bought tons of stuff for Christmas, which were going to spend at home for the first time in several years. I guess, if the financial apocalypse does hit, we'll live out the last days before we get eaten by cannibals eating mince pies and fine cheese, drinking port. That can't be too bad I suppose.

    Apart from the bubonic Ebola pox, I haven't been too bad this week, I managed to walk to the office on several occasions, and get stuff done on the train. Work has been extremely difficult, and very hard to get motivated, I don't expect next week will be much better especially if I'm still ill.

    Things are still quite hard with my partner, she's extremely depressed and volatile, and has been saying stuff that worries me a lot. I think she's edging towards agreeing that she needs to talk to a counsellor, someone who isn't me, and who isn't involved. I hate that I can't be the one to support her, but I'm too partisan, some of the problem is that we both feel very different ways about something, and when we talk about it I get really upset for different reasons and it turns into a row, and then when I'm on my own again I feel awful for it. @Rachael suggested couples counselling a week or so back - that might be an option later, we had it a few years ago in another rough patch and it really helped keep us together. I'm hoping she's going to seek help for what she's going through right now. Ah, god, it will get better, it will.

    Her parents have just returned from 15 years living in Spain, with three dogs and two cats. They're 20 minutes drive from us, which is useful and gives her some more support. She hadn't seen her dad for two years before today, we couldn't get there, and he couldn't fly/wouldn't travel to England - he's very ill with emphysema and is on oxygen most of the time. He'd only seen my youngest daughter once, it's good that they'll get to spend some time with him now as I'm not sure how much longer he's got.

    Internet Vile Hugs to all.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeDec 4th 2011
     (10359.75)
    @icelandbob:Sorry to read your bad news.
    @JP Carpenter:Hang in there.

    Something bad has happened in my old mom's life and i've not got the balls at the moment to ring her.

    I'm stuck in my detox as per usual.I'm full of self pity and i hate the western world.

    I hate hurting people...

    Lost in limbo.Shit is going to happen today.

    Take care all.
  6.  (10359.76)
    @icelandbob - Fuck, that's shit news. There's nothing I can really say except express my deepest sympathies and hope things, in whatever shape they happen to take, only get easier for you and your family.
  7.  (10359.77)
    @Flecky: it's going fine. Bummed a cigarette off Hex last night outside the bar, other than that I haven't smoked in three weeks. The cravings are really only bad for the first couple of days.
  8.  (10359.78)
    So I'm coming up on it being a year since I broke up with the love of my life, and on friday she sent me a link to the nicest place on the internet. Out of context that seems weird and almost cruel, but in context: I'd e-mailed her a link to a Rachel Brice video shortly before Thanksgiving, and she responded within minutes (highly unusual), and then I replied and she went silent. Which was pretty much what happened when I drunk texted her that time before Halloween, so I figured that was that, and okay then. But then she replies to that e-mail thread with that link, and I feel myself going down the weird obsessive analytical rabbit hole that I do, which isn't good. I want to reply because I want to keep talking to her, but I don't know what to say. When we had the all too brief post-drunk text conversation she'd said that she thought of me when she went to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery Day of the Dead thing, and I broke down crying, so I almost want to tell her she needs to be very careful what she sends to me because she'll give me ideas, but I know if I do that then she'll just stop talking to me altogether again.

    So yeah, my life still sucks. I've been out for drinks with two different ladies in the past couple of weeks, the day after Thanksgiving with former WC regular Miki Marsala, and the Monday after Thanksgiving with a girl I met on Halloween, and while I like them both as friends, there is absolutely no spark. And that frustrates me a bit. All my ex had to do was lean against me, or take my arm while we walked and my heart would beat so fast it felt like I would explode. And it was always like that, from the very first time we hung out. And I want that again, but I don't think it's possible.

    I've made up my mind that I'm going to New York around Christmas. Just trying to decide if I want to leave on the 23rd and stay through the 27th, or the 26th and stay through the 30th (get out of there before NYE, because I'm pretty sure the town goes completely fucking nuts on the 31st).
    •  
      CommentAuthormister86
    • CommentTimeDec 4th 2011
     (10359.79)
    As I sit here in the dark of my apartment, drinking a hot mug of cider out of a geeky yet beloved coffee mug, I realize I may have a lot on my mind but not a lot to say. Still, I have the need to say it, for what little it's worth. What little of that worth is being further diluted by the general malady that seems to collect around some of the more interesting people I have had the pleasure of reading here. Anyways, I look over the minimally furnished set of rooms I call my apartment and consider the past year. A little over a year ago, on a train platform in Chicago, being the time I decided I was done with my living conditions. It wasn't horrible, it was honestly the most comfortable living conditions I could probably have. No, I correct that, not comfortable. Safe. It was the safest I had ever been. I was safe, but not satisfied. Content, perhaps, but it was hollow.

    I had ideas, concepts, theoretical movements on the battleplan of my mind, but they were dashed as so many thoughts are, due to painful circumstance. A time of the year where I was at my lowest emotionally was made deeper, honestly to the point of physical pain that I refused to admit to anyone. It lasted for a fair length of time. Strangely enough, however, it ended up being a catalyst for me. The shaking of the foundation of my contentment led me to considering options I hadn't before. Options that once more worked in my favor after blindly charging ahead without a damn clue as to what the fuck I was doing.

    It's just been a roller coaster year, internally at least. The physical was very staid and static. Get up, go work, come home. Internally, I maneuvered from the absolutely worst I've ever been, to a point of actually feeling like I've done something of worth for a change. But I can't help but admit it; for all I've gained, I'd trade it all to have what I lost.

    I guess sometimes you just need a kick in the teeth.
  9.  (10359.80)
    @DavidLejeune - I dunno man, that seems like some cruel mindfuckery to me. Going down a weird obsessive analytical rabbit hole is, really, the most probably reaction to being sent something like that from an ex, regardless of segue way.

    Me. I am debating if I should drop out of school. It's gotten me some loan money to hold me over and some health coverage, and that's fabulous, but my Disability did finally kick in, and my medicare starts in February. I like the idea of being a student and going to school, but I ... I'm a fucking mess. I can't function. I mean, there is a reason I'm on disability, and a lot of that has nothing to do with my body crapping out on me all the time. The headaches keep coming, and the fatique is a constant battle, sure, but it's more about... I've only got so many "spoons". (Y'see, in the chronic illness community, there's the concept of spoons, started by a chick in a diner explaining to her best friend what it's like to be always ill. She compared it to having so many spoons. Laundry, going out for food, grocery shopping, being social, each one takes away spoons, and you've already got so few.) I'm constantly in a panic about what I have to do, can't concentrate on it, but don't do anything else. I'm frozen in a constant frantic freakout of fear and guilt. And yeah, honestly, I could catch up and do ok in my classes.

    But I'd have to do nothing else.

    And I'm so fucking lonely. And I'm so fucking in my head. And I thrive on distraction and the joy of the moment, because when I don't have that my brain devours itself and I end up sobbing hysterically at... everything. I think I need to relax and live for a while. Not feel so scared and stressed like I have been constantly for the past three years. Maybe feel free.

    And there's very little that I feel I'm getting out of school. I have no plans to get a degree, or at least, no plans for how I'd utilize one. The one incentive that school provides is perhaps a student visa to get me overseas, but at this point I feel like I'd have better luck doing that if I concentrated on art as my vehicle. I'm surrounded by artists for the first time in my life, and I've done jack shit but freak out about bullshit remedial classes in NJ. I think I'm doing it wrong.

    When I suddenly told myself yesterday that there was no reason I couldn't drop out at this point, I felt wonderful.