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: OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (25th Nov - 2nd Dec)
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Dec 5th 2011
Hello oh faithful Whitechapel.
Where the hell do i start? I'm at my cool woman friends flat outside bad London.I'm feeling the respite from the small dosage of suboxone i took a bit earlier.So i got a little bit of sanity at the moment.
She's asleep in the bedroom.I slept on the couch.I was so ill with anxiety last night that i wanted to smash my head of a wall.I've been using diazepam(valium) to help me get through the fooking horrors of methadone withdrawls.It seems i've allowed myself to get a bit soft of late.I've stupidly reactivated my valium addiction and it's been five or so days without it.Let it go on record.Benzodiazipines are yet another ultra fooking evil drug.Much worse than heroin.If used in moderation for short periods they can be beneficial but when doctors dish them out without considering long term damage then they are being cunts.Yet i'm just as much a cunt for manipulating the stuff from them.So me and doctors are cunts.But my doctor is a good man so i've just lied.
NOTHING IS TRUE.
I've never had a emotional relationship with another flesh pot that didn't end in shit.For a grown man i'm a little brat at times.Even when other men say i'm their best friend i start to sort of hate them.It's so much easier to be the bad guy.There's a part of me that actually enjoys it when people don't like me or are scared of me.I can't believe i've not been beaten to a pulp this past year.The idioitic behaviour i've exhibited,even though it brings a smile to my face,to clean up my act as a addict has been off the scale.Going up to the police and laughing my head off at them to provoke a response just for the hell of it.I guess i still got a grudge against them for all the shit they've thrown at me in the past.They set me up for drug related crap which i hadn't done.Kicked the shit out of me for trying to stop them from physically abusing a mentally ill girl.Sent me to prison as a scape goat to set a example when i was a kid living in Newcastle U.K.Put me in the notorious mental health wing in Brixton prison on suicide watch because i tried to calmly ask for some meds as i was so junk sick i couldn't fooking walk.I've had the old good cop bad cop routine so many times it's pathetic.Two plain clothed drug squad idiots holding me as long as possible until i'm a wreck actually sitting there reading porn and smoking cigars saying i am the trash of humanity.Laughing at me when i cried asking for a ciggy.Saying i was worse than a rapist.Torture.Simple as.
They crazy thing is my dad used to be a cop.A good cop.And i've met some great cops.Shit.. i just remembered.I used to sell speed pills ripped off from chemists to cops in pubs and clubs.That's some crazy shit,eh?
Anyway.My girlfriend will be awake soon and i'm going to have to say sorry for some of the cold shit i said to her last night.She wanted to fuck but all i wanted to do was destroy this messed up world.
I got a lot of respect for this site.To be honest things like facebook,blogs,twitters or whatever they are called make me sick to the core.Yet i'm a hypocrite as if it wasn't for the net i wouldn't be able to have this thing in my life and for some reason i love Whitechapel.
I've still not rang my mother as i feel someone has either died or she is really ill in hospital.The fear of fear is a hideous thing.And because of the state my body is in due to detoxing..and my fragile state of mind..numb legs etc i feel pretty hopeless as to what i can do to help.
Coffee and a roll up methinks.
Take care kids.Your fooking worth it.
Dec 5th 2011
@flecky: Better to do a thing than to live in fear of it. Good luck.
Dec 5th 2011
Been a while since I felt compelled to share anything on one of these threads.
My dog had to be put down on Saturday. We had her since 1999 and I loved every single day I spent with her. I went through all of my awkward teens and early twenties with her just always there, just one great big German Shepherd-shaped ball of fluffy love. Every single relationship that failed, every single shitty day at school, every single trouble I ever had was softened by her running up to me with her tail wagging whenever I walked through the door. She was always happy to see me, or anyone for that matter.
I'm sad that I couldn't be there to say goodbye. My dad was up with her the whole night as she was suffering and had to make the decision. If he'd called me at 5am and told me that she was going to be put down I'd have torn my way through hell to be with her, but he didn't and I slept through it, unaware, about 25 miles away. Dad called me after it had happened and he just fell to pieces over the phone. I'd never heard him that upset. He's a big man and it surprises me whenever he shows any kind of vulnerability. It's to be expected though, of course.
Both me and my brother have left home, and it's just my mum and dad left at the house now. I bet that house feels terribly empty now that she's gone, and I can feel that emptiness even though I'm not there. I'm glad that the last time I saw her, about two weeks ago, was so wonderful. She hadn't been well for a few months but there she was, in great spirits as always. I made a massive fuss of her and tried to ignore just how much weight she'd lost because she just didn't want to eat anymore. She was just as attentive as me. After I stopped stroking her and ruffling her furry face she looked back at me happily, as if to say "get back here and love me. I have had nowhere near enough affection." And she just didn't stop looking at me. I had no idea that would be the last time we'd ever see each other, but I suppose they were the best circumstances in which to part. Neither of us suspecting that it would be the last time.
I'm getting through it by thinking about just how great her life was, and not by mourning her death. I can't say that makes it any easier, although I guess it's a more optimistic way of grieving. She was well-loved by everyone she ever came into contact with, and I'm sure she loved us all back just as ferociously and completely.
I can't possibly fathom just how much I'm going to miss her as I continue through my life, always noticing the big dog-shaped hole where she should be.
Dec 5th 2011
I lost my german shephard during my senior year in high school. I feel you. It sucks.
Dec 5th 2011
@Keyofsilence, my condolences. Losing a dog is rough, no matter the circumstances.
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