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: OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)
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Horrible Warning Si
Dec 5th 2011
Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough Week.
Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.
I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.
Dec 5th 2011
Well yeah... father-in-common-law is in intensive care, two days after returning to the UK, was found collapsed on the floor this morning. Don't really know how serious yet. Partner remarkably calm and composed, considering.
I have a simple prayer, for any skydaddy/mummy that may be out there: "Give us a fucking break please?"
Dec 5th 2011
Good gawd man. Two days?! I am angry at the universe on your behalf. That is some serious life bullshittery.
Dec 5th 2011
God, Jon. Lots of good folks out here in Chapel land having troubles with very sick folks in their family units. I'm thinking warm thoughts for you. Definitely have earned a break.
For me: I'm trying to keep my head down and study and write for my Japanese presentation, paper and final exam. But I keep being distracted because, well you know, Twitter. House is going to get loud again soon (todayish) with my OB coming home after being gone for nigh two months. I was hoping he would come back a little more straightened out in the head than when he left, but no dice. I hate talking about him for the same, though even broader and deeper, reasons than I don't like talking about my mental/emotional problems. I can get by in life without meds; he cannot. But even with the meds he's tough to live with. My parents are very religious and traditional. I have my faith but hold onto some really heterodox ideas. But my brother is not only super-religious, he's schizophrenic on top of it, which make anyone of any faith-stripe have to hold on hard to where their lines are. It's really annoying to try to talk about with ...well... anyone who's never lived with a schizophrenic, because just like people who haven't dealt with depression don't get that you can't just snap out of it, most people don't get that a schizophrenic can't be reasoned with. The thing I hate, though, is that because my family is religious and most of my friends are not, my friends don't understand how troubling my brother is when we're continually having our religion assaulted by his ideas. My friends simply write off all religious impulses as insane.... And I don't quite have the words to explain how hurtful it is to know that when I fucking live with someone who is literally mentally unbalanced.
But wait, I have still a little more whining to do and then I'll quit procrastinating: I've barely gotten to do anything toward my voice over career for a while and definitely done just about nothing to seek an income in months. The two play off each other because there's little I can do for the career when I'm flat broke and without a career seeking money is almost impossible. I can't even apply for seasonal jobs like stocker at Walmart because I haven't had the time thanks to Japanese and community service... So I'm broke and my mom is going through a tight period and everyone is counting their pennies for Christmas presents.... All I can do is sit tight until the new year and see who's up for lending me some money or otherwise giving me a huge break.
It feels like I'm whining over nothing - I've gotten this far, I'm not wanting for anything, I have my health and my family and so long as nothing breaks I can get to and fro without a lot of trouble. But the thing is I can't advance. I can't get to a point where I can provide for myself from here. I need
. But God, so many other people need help so much more. I keep having that moment, like those you might have the day after a car wreck where you keep playing it over and over in your head thinking about what you should have done differently and feeling so strongly like if you could think that alternative hard enough maybe it'll come true and the wreck wouldn't have happened. If I can think hard enough at the last few years maybe I could get a do over and be smarter about money and my opportunities.... Ugh. Make it stop.
Last thing: a titch lonely. I'll be seeing friends again soon enough - a sort of upside of December is the enforced socializing. And there will be jolly foods and merry drinks and everyone will insist that bad habits don't need to be corrected for a few more weeks. But...there's no one special. And... there's no one to trust, no one to cuddle, no one who's counting the days to embrace me. I go back and forth on feeling ugly and unwanted and being just me and whatever, a cat calendar and slew of dirty jokes shy of being a funny old biddy. But I'd like to want someone and be wanted. If someone comes along I hope I can trust them. I'm feeling off kilter enough over this - I don't need any more cowards.
Dec 5th 2011
Go away, spontaneous self-loathing. You're not welcome here.
Edited to add: Er, that was directed at myself. Not at anyone on this thread. If anywhere is the place for spontaneous self-loathing, it's this thread.
Dec 6th 2011
I hate to moan but by fuckerys sake i am so cold and my flat stinks like a ashtray.
I had this awful nightmare last night.I picked a mole like scab of my head and it turned into this writhing slug like nervous husk insect and then i was looking at this gaping anus black hole where it had nested.I was looking inside my foul head.It wasn't nice.
I need help.Serious experimental medical help.Drug trial alpha XP.
I have a passport.And a few pieces of silver.I will work my passage on your steamboat.I will sleep in the hold with the other fuck ups.
Dec 6th 2011
Two weeks ago my little brother was in a bad car accident and his car was demolished (He was mostly okay). A week ago a car door was slammed on his hand. In two days he is having surgery done - microscopic surgery to place super tiny metal rods in his hand, or something close enough like that. Luckily, I was scheduled to not work on Thursday so I can be there when it goes down. I requested a day off from work a couple weeks ago in between when I have class so that next week, the first week of no school, I'd have three days off to take the train down to my mothers to visit my friend once more before she leaves for good on the 27th. Also: See my ADORABLE TINY AWESOME step niece. I still need to order her christmas gift, a stuffed scooby doo. She pretty much does nothing but watch that old show and the same like 6 scooby doo movies over and over. Plus, even with a bunch of days off, there is stuff to do around this place (Like let the dog out, deal with my father, etc) where as at my moms place I can literally just lay in bed in their guest room and sleep/rest ALL. DAY. and I won't hear some retardedly snide remark. I'm insanely grateful I found a job after so long unemployed, but I didnt have a job when I signed up for 15 units of school classes, and I've been incredibly stressed these last weeks trying to finish everything and pass my classes. urggle. I've already decided that I cant even attempt to finish my art final - which is on a 30x40 board ohgoditssohuge - that is due on saturday, though at least it looks like my academic classes will be alright.... D:
Dec 6th 2011
@Cameron - ow, car doors can do a lot of damage to a hand. My partner caught the tip of a finger in one a few years back and it didn't heal - ended up having to have the tip sliced off and cauterised, really unpleasant.
@Raz - sounds very complicated, with both your brother and friends - don't envy your having to find a path through that at all. And good luck with the Japanese exam.
@Flecky - I've had dreams like that in the past, usually drink related - things like jellyfish that I can pull out of my flesh, with roots attached. Not nice.
Father in law is apparently stable at the moment in intensive care - has pneumonia, dangerously low blood pressure and high levels of carbon dioxide in his blood. It's happened before, he's not a well man at all, but the stress of the journey and the move (they had to drive several hundred miles up Spain with three dogs and two cats before the sea crossing) has clearly been too much - just damn sad for my partner, if he doesn't recover it's just too fucking cruel for words - she'd been looking forward to and dreaming of their return for years - they left when she was about 23, just before we met, and she'd been hoping they'd come back before they were too old to cope. She hadn't seen her dad for two years before Saturday, and he'd only seen my youngest daughter once. Guy's an awkward bastard, and has a fair bit to answer for, but this is bullshit. Partner has been pretty bleak and cynical today, can understand why.
And we've had my eldest girl freaking today about something stupid, but what's really upset me is that my youngest one had a 'christmas shopping' session at her preschool this morning, where she chose and wrapped little gifts for us and her sisters. She's three, she doesn't quite get that it's meant to be secret, so she told them what she'd bought, and my eldest, in a foul mood anyway, just said 'that's rubbish, it's a stupid present, don't want it, might as well throw it away'. Which is a truly spiteful thing to say to anyone, let alone a three year old, and has really, really got to me. I don't know how we've let that happen, that she can think like that or see things in such a black and white, material way? I tried to tell her that every little thing she's ever given me, I treasure, regardless of what it is, or whether it has any utility or aesthetic value. I've never, in my life, been ungrateful for a gift, even if it has no practical value, or isn't to my taste. Never. I know she's only nine, but that's an attitude that really, really hurts me and I just don't want to see in her at all. And I think she was struggling to understand why I was so upset about it, and then trying to apologise insincerely because she wanted me to do something for her, as if apologising is just a means to an end to get what she wants... it sometimes feels that she's lost the empathy she used to have and just calculates every single thing to her own advantage.
Fuck, I've bred a cross between Patrick Bateman and Spock. I'm probably over-reacting but kids hurt you sometimes, and I feel like I've gone wrong and let her down by somehow letting that happen.
Dec 6th 2011
Friday I tried to get my food stamps reinstated at Social Services. They told me my case was closed. They were telling a lot of people their cases were suddenly closed. I think its purposeful, this case closing. When I showed the woman my lease that states my rent is $580, and that Disability only gives me $642, she asked me accusingly "So how do you live? how do you pay for personal things?" Yeah. This is why I need the food stamps. I think I'd previously mentioned that part.
So, Monday I took the hour long trek to get to Jamaica Queens again so that I could go to Social Security. I thought I was to get an additional $135 a month or so through Social Security to help the $642 dollars I'm given monthly to live on. Social Security is NEEDS based, and I'm in need. I brought my lease, my information, etc. I was told that I'd have to make UNDER $600 to qualify for help through Social Security. I nearly cried at the woman behind the glass. Well then. Back to Social Services. Once there I was told that Section 8 (affordable housing vouchers) in NYC has been closed for years, and that I'd need to make under $450 a month to get any assistance, and I'd only get assistance if I were in danger of being evicted AND I had children. There is some low income housing, but the waiting list on that is literally decades. I am living on borrowed time. Once my retroactive payment money dwindles away, after paying my phone bill and part of the utilities, I'll have nothing but a food stamp card. How will I pay medical bills? (and how does it make sense for people to have to be on Disability for two years before they are allowed to be on Medicare?) So I went back on line for Food Stamps, to make sure it's getting sorted out. I waited from 4:00 until 6:30. There were still 50 people ahead of me. I left. In tears.
The fucked up thing is that everyone I talk to knows its all fucked. The people who work there look at me with strange pity, and tell me "I don't know what they think people are supposed to do" and say how every family on benefits is doubling up two or three families in a home, because nobody can possibly afford to live on the meager amounts given, and this is WORKING families. The problem is, being an individual is even harder than being a family in this system, and everyone knows it. Last week, a fellow angry food stamp recipient asked me "Where you FROM?" I'm from Ridgewood, and have to train all the fuck here for an hour "No, I mean, like, what PLANET you come FROM? How you end up HERE?" I am not what people expect to see in a welfare office.
Also, I've accepted defeat and given up trying to do all the work for my five classes I'd been trying to take this semester, and will only have two classes to finish. I'm both relieved and disappointed.
Also, Christmas is creeping up on me. Christmas Eve is my birthday. I have notoriously terrible birthdays. This year I'm turning 35. It sounds so old to me right now. Years ago, I'd promised myself something I didn't keep. I told myself that I would fucking find out what was wrong with me and get a proper diagnosis by the time I was 30. If not, I'd kill myself. Seemed reasonable at the time.
Five years on, and I'm still getting MRIs, still battling it out with doctors and psychologists.
I'm bracing myself this holiday season for an appearance from everyone that makes my insides go woogy. Last year my mom snuck over and left a bag filled with present from Target for me on my Aunt's front porch on HER OWN birthday, which is a week before mine. A classic Narcissist Mother move. Two years ago, the fellow I was heartbroken over decided to ignore the fact that I'd requested we settle things between us before hanging out, and just assumed he'd come visit me for my birthday, leading to terrible fighting crying conversations on the phone til long past dawn on Christmas Eve. I imagine these things might happen again. I'm trying to assume that they will so that just sitting alone at home with enough money to buy food will remain a comparatively AMAZING and JOYOUS birthday compared to those that have gone before.
Soviet Rocket No. 9
Dec 6th 2011
I went to get pulled from my til today at work (@ 2:30, since I leave at 3. Rule of thumb is you're pulled a half hour before you leave work), and was told that it was too early. I went to the boss's office and checked the daily schedule, and notice that it had me on til until 3 and leaving at 3:30. As I was going to leave the office, I saw the weekly schedule (Mine and everyone else's. It hadn't been updated for this week), and noticed that it had me scheduled until 3:30 to leave. Meaning before I was scheduled to leave at 3:30, but was being pulled at 2:30 and leaving at 3.
I brought this up with her, and she said that before this week (this week is the first big week of SUPER BUSY TIME, that lasts until the second week of January. So we were discussing the normal schedule before SUPER BUSY TIME) she let me leave early since the store wasn't busy. But acknowledged she never brought it up with me, since I was at the minimum hours.
I know that I should have checked the schedule, but this person who I have worked with for seven years, doesn't tell that I've been habitually leaving early per the schedule, and lets it go? Even though I get criticized for every other little thing?
Dec 6th 2011
Reader discretion: The following springs forth from a very ill mind.
4 a.m. London.Shepherds Bush.A road.A block.A flat.A room.A bed.A piece of shit body.A brain.A universe crying out in despair.Everything looks dark.I am on the brink of madness.I hate this world and for my sins it hates me.I'm trying so hard to get better.Life,for me,is just one big stinking fur ball of shit.
I've read everyone's stuff.I feel for all of you.I can hardly think straight and my frontal lobe feels like it's going to blow any second.Freaking despair setting in big time.I am so out of sinc with reality and what's meant to pass as society.I probably sound like a self obsessed moaning junky foul angry old git.And that's what i am.There's no crying allowed on Whitechapel so i will clamp my skull together with a ugly jaw lock and suffer.
If i'd had a gun a few months back then i wouldn't be attempting to make a break for it.I really just couldn't take it anymore.I'd be just another creep that hit the street blowing bodies away till the filth took me down laughing my head off in a hail of lovely bullets.Don't worry.I'd be quite selective in my choice of victims.Rule number one: No children.Rule number two:There are no other rules.Man or woman.I make no distinction.If i find you guilty then you had better start praying.
I'd make such a good hitman.People think i'm joking but i aint.You see,when you've seen so much death and pain something happens to the soul.It gets jaded and cold and you are reduced to a feral state.A snarling angry dog backed into a corner that will not go down easy.It doesn't give a shit.
Shut the fuck up flecky you crazy insane bastid and take your poxy meds.Your obviously very ill.Talking to a laptop looking like Dr Doom.Talking to yourself as the days get shorter and the madness is rife.
Metal on flesh,bitch.Metal on flesh.
Dec 6th 2011
Today marks two months sober for me, a little closer to 3 for my girlfriend; she's been home from rehab just under 2 months.
I haven't gone to an Alanon meeting in a month. I keep blaming it on my work schedule (which to be honest, sucks, every week, for the past 5 weeks, I've switched from day shift to midnight shift, back to day shift), but Alanon has meetings within walking distance, several days a week, at different times, so I should be able to make once a week a priority.
Thankfully, my new schedule starts at the beginning of next week. Day shift, which I hate, but keeps the lady happy.
I've been doing a good job of that; keeping her happy, I made breakfast in bed the other day after coming home from work, followed by awesome morning sex. Which was a change. According to her, I'd not been frisky in about a month. I'd been dealing with all of the post-alcoholism stuff well, but knowing she'd cheated on me has been tough. I've kinda been burying it, along with everything else I bury, and refuse to deal with it (like I normally do with stuff). You can't be the funny fat guy with the beard if you keep dealing with serious stuff. Then you just turn into the sad fat guy with the beard.
The one thing that I find odd, is that I don't miss booze. I mean, I've had some epic drunkenings. But I guess when alcohol nearly destroys someone you love, you don't really have a hard time letting it go. I do have a hard time letting go of my past behaviors. Because of how she acted when she was drinking, I find myself still wanting to protect her from THINGS. Anything. A commercial romanticizing drinking, a offensive part of a movie or tv show, especially one that's harsh on a person who's cheated or been a drunk. What used to be things that would set her off, or that she would use as an excuse to be upset and possibly start a fight.
There have been no fights since rehab. When I found out she cheated, I was upset. We talked it out, I handled it like a champ. Later, during a group treatment, we had a great long discussion on the way home, and turned what would normally have been a fight, into something that ended with us understanding each other better. How often does that happen? We realized then and there this treatment was working for us positively.
I'm still having a hard time with the inherent GOD in the 12 steps. I can accept that I was powerless over the alcohol in my life, that my life has become unmanigeable. I can't accept the higher power is the only thing that can rescue me. i just can't can't do that yet. I don't have the faith.
What I do have the faith in, is that I should just keep going to meetings, that this shit works for folks, and I need something to work.
That will have to do for now.
Flecky: Hang in there, mate.
Dec 7th 2011
That's my big philosophical problem with AA/NA etc. gov spy There has to be some humanist alternative rehab/addiction therapy groups that don't use an addict's disease or weakness as a back door into religious conversion. The very fact that you've decided to do something about it for the sake of your lady and yourself shows that you're not
over the alcohol. Stick with it, and gloss over the God stuff if you have to.
So this is stupid and self-indulgent and I look like a selfish prick for writing it, but my 'Christmas in New York' plan may not work out. I was leaning towards booking flight and hostel separately, only to discover that a flight to New York from Phoenix is actually much more fucking expensive than I thought. I've done some calculations and I should be able to afford it without impacting my savings too much if I book now, but my bank account is at a point where I want to wait for a paycheck otherwise I'll be annoyed at how much I've spent. And that's annoying me even more, because compared to a lot of people I am absurdly well off savings wise and I shouldn't let an arbitrary number I've set for myself prevent me from going out there. I'm just at a weird ever so slightly more than break-even point with regular expenses vs income, so I'd have to cut back a bit in January/February to bring myself back up. Though December is a rare three paycheck month. I'll probably bite the bullet on this on Friday. I really want to go New York, if only to bring Rachael flowers and ice cream (or leave them on the stoop of her apartment, if it has a stoop, and run off due to shyness and embarrassment).
Dec 7th 2011
@David Well, that 1st step thing about being powerless was fairly accurate. Basically it meant that with alcohol in our lives we were completely insane, and so far Alanon has been right about that it's foolish for me to try and control my girlfriend or her drinking. Once I let go of that, things have been going fairly well. Basically, I just have to stick to my guns. The simple part is this: if she wants to stay in my house or my life, she can't drink. If she fucks up, she has to tell me before things get crazy. There's no zero tolerance here, she's expected to mess up.
Something they say in treatment, is that the alcoholic is not responsible for having the disease of alcoholism, but they are responsible for their actions. I used to think AA was giving drunks a "free pass" with the concept of alcoholism as a disease, saying "
it's not your fault
," and the drunk can just throw their hands up in the air and say "
what are you gonna do? I'm an alcoholic
." And I'm sure there's some drunks out there that do that. But that's not the way AA is intended to be used. It's intended to end the cycle of guilt that keeps the drunk drinking. Every confrontation with the drunk has the little alch-y devil on their shoulder, whispering, "
You know what would make you feel better? A drink
I know what the steps are. I know that they work for a lot of people. I know I'm not the first person to think this way. I think there's another saying (AA loves its slogans, but 9/10 times they're accurate) about "fake it til you make it," that might work for me. If you can't buy the God stuff, just do it anyways, make it habit, until shit starts working.
Dec 7th 2011
@govtspy, you might want to try
instead of or in addition to AA if the religious content is bothering you. I'm sure there's one in your area, it might be a little easier to make meetings a priority if they don't make you feel like you're failing at a central aspect of it even though it's not really related to sobriety.
Dec 7th 2011
Hint: if your significant other dresses up for you (in this case lingerie) holding pizza and beer and offers a back rub since they know you've had one hell of a crap day-
The first thing out of your mouth should NOT be "Do you want something?" even if you swear what you >actually< meant was "are you trying to seduce me" IT will still
Dec 7th 2011
I'm almost through with a long-term writing project (my Weaponizer serial). One installment left to go. I find myself with a bad case of the "What Nexts".
I think I'm ready to try a novel. Are you ever really ready? Is it like being The One, and you just know it? I hope so, because I think I'm going to do it.
Still on my "I'll allow myself a nervous breakdown if I'm not on the success track by 40" trip. Three years to do my best work.
I've got my tools. I've got my laptop, I've got the Scrivener demo loaded up. I've got coffee, and I've got my lunch hour. Let's do this.
@bunny--Facepalming. Literally facepalming.
@everybody: Keep on hanging in, folks.
Dec 7th 2011
@ government spy: Good on you for hitting the two month spot.Just did a massive post that died in space about your feelings around the programme.Don't worry.Your not alone on the God thing etc.And i do meetings all the time.And i've never been this clean for decades.So something must be working.
Must rest.Head made of glass.
Dec 7th 2011
Do me a favor, mate? Trying to make her happy is a good endeavor but please keep in mind the only person who can make her happy is herself. You can do everything in the world to help facilitate that, but if she doesn't end up happy then that isn't a failing on your part. I've seen too many people fall into the "If I'd only done more" trap".
Dec 7th 2011
@Comicbookbunny - Yes please!
@GovSpy/Flecky - Keep it up. (Wish I had something more helpful, but there it is)
@Rachael - Damn girl, can't you catch a single fucking break?
As for me... I'm about 80% over that girl, which is stupid since at this point we've been broken up about as long as we were together. I've removed her from my g+ circles and hidden her from gchat so that I don't have to see her name/face every time I log onto the internet, which wasn't helping me avoid obsessing. But fortunately work has been kicking my ass so hard that I don't really have time to worry about women. While I'm not "officially" a manger, I have a team of 8 people I'm responsible for at the moment. I found out on Monday that two of them in India will be out all week for "training" so now I'm trying to find a way to absorb 25% of the teams load. Since we're all buried, there is no where for it to go, so it's sort of on me to deal with. Mind you I don't get paid any more than the other 7 people. Actually, probably a fair sight less than a couple of them. I haven't really even had time to worry about that until today because I have a couple of "urgent, drop everything, the world is ending, ahhh" issues that have managed to eat up the first two days of the week. So yeah, work is bad.
I managed to bang out the first draft of issue 5 of the comic I'm currently writing. Monday I ended up in an emotional state after work, while sitting in the table the lady and I frequented at my bar, where I just couldn't write, so issue 6 isn't started. I have my daughter this weekend, so I likely won't have time/energy to write again until Monday night. I hate that I have to declare tables dead to me, but I will definitely be sitting somewhere else from now on.
Sunday evening, I'm meeting with my ex to discuss our daughter. There are a few issues that need to be addressed. We also need to try and make progress on the whole custody situation. That will likely be a great time.
So stress... that's where I am these days. From every direction, stress.
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