Whitechapel - OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Horrible Warning Si — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 10:09:41 -0800

Here is your judgement-free space to vent, rant, show-off, smug-it-up, scream silently into the face of Internet apathy, and generally trepan your pressurized consciousness after Another Tough Week.

Instructions: Tell us about the last seven suns. Tell us what you hate, what you love, what's pissing you off. Tell us what's broken about the world, tell us what you want. Tell us how you plan to change everything, tell us what you're building in your basement, or, hell, just dance or play a tune.

I, we, and all of us are here for you. Smash your wordvenom against us.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

JP Carpenter — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:37:09 -0800

Well yeah... father-in-common-law is in intensive care, two days after returning to the UK, was found collapsed on the floor this morning. Don't really know how serious yet. Partner remarkably calm and composed, considering.

I have a simple prayer, for any skydaddy/mummy that may be out there: "Give us a fucking break please?"

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 14:02:07 -0800

Good gawd man. Two days?! I am angry at the universe on your behalf. That is some serious life bullshittery.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

razrangel — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 16:49:44 -0800

God, Jon. Lots of good folks out here in Chapel land having troubles with very sick folks in their family units. I'm thinking warm thoughts for you. Definitely have earned a break.

For me: I'm trying to keep my head down and study and write for my Japanese presentation, paper and final exam. But I keep being distracted because, well you know, Twitter. House is going to get loud again soon (todayish) with my OB coming home after being gone for nigh two months. I was hoping he would come back a little more straightened out in the head than when he left, but no dice. I hate talking about him for the same, though even broader and deeper, reasons than I don't like talking about my mental/emotional problems. I can get by in life without meds; he cannot. But even with the meds he's tough to live with. My parents are very religious and traditional. I have my faith but hold onto some really heterodox ideas. But my brother is not only super-religious, he's schizophrenic on top of it, which make anyone of any faith-stripe have to hold on hard to where their lines are. It's really annoying to try to talk about with ...well... anyone who's never lived with a schizophrenic, because just like people who haven't dealt with depression don't get that you can't just snap out of it, most people don't get that a schizophrenic can't be reasoned with. The thing I hate, though, is that because my family is religious and most of my friends are not, my friends don't understand how troubling my brother is when we're continually having our religion assaulted by his ideas. My friends simply write off all religious impulses as insane.... And I don't quite have the words to explain how hurtful it is to know that when I fucking live with someone who is literally mentally unbalanced.

But wait, I have still a little more whining to do and then I'll quit procrastinating: I've barely gotten to do anything toward my voice over career for a while and definitely done just about nothing to seek an income in months. The two play off each other because there's little I can do for the career when I'm flat broke and without a career seeking money is almost impossible. I can't even apply for seasonal jobs like stocker at Walmart because I haven't had the time thanks to Japanese and community service... So I'm broke and my mom is going through a tight period and everyone is counting their pennies for Christmas presents.... All I can do is sit tight until the new year and see who's up for lending me some money or otherwise giving me a huge break.

It feels like I'm whining over nothing - I've gotten this far, I'm not wanting for anything, I have my health and my family and so long as nothing breaks I can get to and fro without a lot of trouble. But the thing is I can't advance. I can't get to a point where I can provide for myself from here. I need help. But God, so many other people need help so much more. I keep having that moment, like those you might have the day after a car wreck where you keep playing it over and over in your head thinking about what you should have done differently and feeling so strongly like if you could think that alternative hard enough maybe it'll come true and the wreck wouldn't have happened. If I can think hard enough at the last few years maybe I could get a do over and be smarter about money and my opportunities.... Ugh. Make it stop.

Last thing: a titch lonely. I'll be seeing friends again soon enough - a sort of upside of December is the enforced socializing. And there will be jolly foods and merry drinks and everyone will insist that bad habits don't need to be corrected for a few more weeks. But...there's no one special. And... there's no one to trust, no one to cuddle, no one who's counting the days to embrace me. I go back and forth on feeling ugly and unwanted and being just me and whatever, a cat calendar and slew of dirty jokes shy of being a funny old biddy. But I'd like to want someone and be wanted. If someone comes along I hope I can trust them. I'm feeling off kilter enough over this - I don't need any more cowards.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

dorkmuffin — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 20:42:50 -0800

Go away, spontaneous self-loathing. You're not welcome here.

Edited to add: Er, that was directed at myself. Not at anyone on this thread. If anywhere is the place for spontaneous self-loathing, it's this thread.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 11:01:30 -0800

I hate to moan but by fuckerys sake i am so cold and my flat stinks like a ashtray.

I had this awful nightmare last night.I picked a mole like scab of my head and it turned into this writhing slug like nervous husk insect and then i was looking at this gaping anus black hole where it had nested.I was looking inside my foul head.It wasn't nice.

I need help.Serious experimental medical help.Drug trial alpha XP.

I have a passport.And a few pieces of silver.I will work my passage on your steamboat.I will sleep in the hold with the other fuck ups.

Pity me..

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Cameron C. — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 12:15:43 -0800

Two weeks ago my little brother was in a bad car accident and his car was demolished (He was mostly okay). A week ago a car door was slammed on his hand. In two days he is having surgery done - microscopic surgery to place super tiny metal rods in his hand, or something close enough like that. Luckily, I was scheduled to not work on Thursday so I can be there when it goes down. I requested a day off from work a couple weeks ago in between when I have class so that next week, the first week of no school, I'd have three days off to take the train down to my mothers to visit my friend once more before she leaves for good on the 27th. Also: See my ADORABLE TINY AWESOME step niece. I still need to order her christmas gift, a stuffed scooby doo. She pretty much does nothing but watch that old show and the same like 6 scooby doo movies over and over. Plus, even with a bunch of days off, there is stuff to do around this place (Like let the dog out, deal with my father, etc) where as at my moms place I can literally just lay in bed in their guest room and sleep/rest ALL. DAY. and I won't hear some retardedly snide remark. I'm insanely grateful I found a job after so long unemployed, but I didnt have a job when I signed up for 15 units of school classes, and I've been incredibly stressed these last weeks trying to finish everything and pass my classes. urggle. I've already decided that I cant even attempt to finish my art final - which is on a 30x40 board ohgoditssohuge - that is due on saturday, though at least it looks like my academic classes will be alright.... D:

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

JP Carpenter — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:53:18 -0800

@Cameron - ow, car doors can do a lot of damage to a hand. My partner caught the tip of a finger in one a few years back and it didn't heal - ended up having to have the tip sliced off and cauterised, really unpleasant.

@Raz - sounds very complicated, with both your brother and friends - don't envy your having to find a path through that at all. And good luck with the Japanese exam.

@Flecky - I've had dreams like that in the past, usually drink related - things like jellyfish that I can pull out of my flesh, with roots attached. Not nice.

Father in law is apparently stable at the moment in intensive care - has pneumonia, dangerously low blood pressure and high levels of carbon dioxide in his blood. It's happened before, he's not a well man at all, but the stress of the journey and the move (they had to drive several hundred miles up Spain with three dogs and two cats before the sea crossing) has clearly been too much - just damn sad for my partner, if he doesn't recover it's just too fucking cruel for words - she'd been looking forward to and dreaming of their return for years - they left when she was about 23, just before we met, and she'd been hoping they'd come back before they were too old to cope. She hadn't seen her dad for two years before Saturday, and he'd only seen my youngest daughter once. Guy's an awkward bastard, and has a fair bit to answer for, but this is bullshit. Partner has been pretty bleak and cynical today, can understand why.

And we've had my eldest girl freaking today about something stupid, but what's really upset me is that my youngest one had a 'christmas shopping' session at her preschool this morning, where she chose and wrapped little gifts for us and her sisters. She's three, she doesn't quite get that it's meant to be secret, so she told them what she'd bought, and my eldest, in a foul mood anyway, just said 'that's rubbish, it's a stupid present, don't want it, might as well throw it away'. Which is a truly spiteful thing to say to anyone, let alone a three year old, and has really, really got to me. I don't know how we've let that happen, that she can think like that or see things in such a black and white, material way? I tried to tell her that every little thing she's ever given me, I treasure, regardless of what it is, or whether it has any utility or aesthetic value. I've never, in my life, been ungrateful for a gift, even if it has no practical value, or isn't to my taste. Never. I know she's only nine, but that's an attitude that really, really hurts me and I just don't want to see in her at all. And I think she was struggling to understand why I was so upset about it, and then trying to apologise insincerely because she wanted me to do something for her, as if apologising is just a means to an end to get what she wants... it sometimes feels that she's lost the empathy she used to have and just calculates every single thing to her own advantage.

Fuck, I've bred a cross between Patrick Bateman and Spock. I'm probably over-reacting but kids hurt you sometimes, and I feel like I've gone wrong and let her down by somehow letting that happen.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 14:44:19 -0800

Friday I tried to get my food stamps reinstated at Social Services. They told me my case was closed. They were telling a lot of people their cases were suddenly closed. I think its purposeful, this case closing. When I showed the woman my lease that states my rent is $580, and that Disability only gives me $642, she asked me accusingly "So how do you live? how do you pay for personal things?" Yeah. This is why I need the food stamps. I think I'd previously mentioned that part.

So, Monday I took the hour long trek to get to Jamaica Queens again so that I could go to Social Security. I thought I was to get an additional $135 a month or so through Social Security to help the $642 dollars I'm given monthly to live on. Social Security is NEEDS based, and I'm in need. I brought my lease, my information, etc. I was told that I'd have to make UNDER $600 to qualify for help through Social Security. I nearly cried at the woman behind the glass. Well then. Back to Social Services. Once there I was told that Section 8 (affordable housing vouchers) in NYC has been closed for years, and that I'd need to make under $450 a month to get any assistance, and I'd only get assistance if I were in danger of being evicted AND I had children. There is some low income housing, but the waiting list on that is literally decades. I am living on borrowed time. Once my retroactive payment money dwindles away, after paying my phone bill and part of the utilities, I'll have nothing but a food stamp card. How will I pay medical bills? (and how does it make sense for people to have to be on Disability for two years before they are allowed to be on Medicare?) So I went back on line for Food Stamps, to make sure it's getting sorted out. I waited from 4:00 until 6:30. There were still 50 people ahead of me. I left. In tears.

The fucked up thing is that everyone I talk to knows its all fucked. The people who work there look at me with strange pity, and tell me "I don't know what they think people are supposed to do" and say how every family on benefits is doubling up two or three families in a home, because nobody can possibly afford to live on the meager amounts given, and this is WORKING families. The problem is, being an individual is even harder than being a family in this system, and everyone knows it. Last week, a fellow angry food stamp recipient asked me "Where you FROM?" I'm from Ridgewood, and have to train all the fuck here for an hour "No, I mean, like, what PLANET you come FROM? How you end up HERE?" I am not what people expect to see in a welfare office.

Also, I've accepted defeat and given up trying to do all the work for my five classes I'd been trying to take this semester, and will only have two classes to finish. I'm both relieved and disappointed.

Also, Christmas is creeping up on me. Christmas Eve is my birthday. I have notoriously terrible birthdays. This year I'm turning 35. It sounds so old to me right now. Years ago, I'd promised myself something I didn't keep. I told myself that I would fucking find out what was wrong with me and get a proper diagnosis by the time I was 30. If not, I'd kill myself. Seemed reasonable at the time.

Five years on, and I'm still getting MRIs, still battling it out with doctors and psychologists.

I'm bracing myself this holiday season for an appearance from everyone that makes my insides go woogy. Last year my mom snuck over and left a bag filled with present from Target for me on my Aunt's front porch on HER OWN birthday, which is a week before mine. A classic Narcissist Mother move. Two years ago, the fellow I was heartbroken over decided to ignore the fact that I'd requested we settle things between us before hanging out, and just assumed he'd come visit me for my birthday, leading to terrible fighting crying conversations on the phone til long past dawn on Christmas Eve. I imagine these things might happen again. I'm trying to assume that they will so that just sitting alone at home with enough money to buy food will remain a comparatively AMAZING and JOYOUS birthday compared to those that have gone before.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Soviet Rocket No. 9 — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 15:39:33 -0800

I went to get pulled from my til today at work (@ 2:30, since I leave at 3. Rule of thumb is you're pulled a half hour before you leave work), and was told that it was too early. I went to the boss's office and checked the daily schedule, and notice that it had me on til until 3 and leaving at 3:30. As I was going to leave the office, I saw the weekly schedule (Mine and everyone else's. It hadn't been updated for this week), and noticed that it had me scheduled until 3:30 to leave. Meaning before I was scheduled to leave at 3:30, but was being pulled at 2:30 and leaving at 3.

I brought this up with her, and she said that before this week (this week is the first big week of SUPER BUSY TIME, that lasts until the second week of January. So we were discussing the normal schedule before SUPER BUSY TIME) she let me leave early since the store wasn't busy. But acknowledged she never brought it up with me, since I was at the minimum hours.

I know that I should have checked the schedule, but this person who I have worked with for seven years, doesn't tell that I've been habitually leaving early per the schedule, and lets it go? Even though I get criticized for every other little thing?

Fucking bitch.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 20:52:37 -0800

Reader discretion: The following springs forth from a very ill mind.

4 a.m. London.Shepherds Bush.A road.A block.A flat.A room.A bed.A piece of shit body.A brain.A universe crying out in despair.Everything looks dark.I am on the brink of madness.I hate this world and for my sins it hates me.I'm trying so hard to get better.Life,for me,is just one big stinking fur ball of shit.

I've read everyone's stuff.I feel for all of you.I can hardly think straight and my frontal lobe feels like it's going to blow any second.Freaking despair setting in big time.I am so out of sinc with reality and what's meant to pass as society.I probably sound like a self obsessed moaning junky foul angry old git.And that's what i am.There's no crying allowed on Whitechapel so i will clamp my skull together with a ugly jaw lock and suffer.

If i'd had a gun a few months back then i wouldn't be attempting to make a break for it.I really just couldn't take it anymore.I'd be just another creep that hit the street blowing bodies away till the filth took me down laughing my head off in a hail of lovely bullets.Don't worry.I'd be quite selective in my choice of victims.Rule number one: No children.Rule number two:There are no other rules.Man or woman.I make no distinction.If i find you guilty then you had better start praying.

I'd make such a good hitman.People think i'm joking but i aint.You see,when you've seen so much death and pain something happens to the soul.It gets jaded and cold and you are reduced to a feral state.A snarling angry dog backed into a corner that will not go down easy.It doesn't give a shit.

Shut the fuck up flecky you crazy insane bastid and take your poxy meds.Your obviously very ill.Talking to a laptop looking like Dr Doom.Talking to yourself as the days get shorter and the madness is rife.

Metal on flesh,bitch.Metal on flesh.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

government spy — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 22:25:41 -0800

Today marks two months sober for me, a little closer to 3 for my girlfriend; she's been home from rehab just under 2 months.

I haven't gone to an Alanon meeting in a month. I keep blaming it on my work schedule (which to be honest, sucks, every week, for the past 5 weeks, I've switched from day shift to midnight shift, back to day shift), but Alanon has meetings within walking distance, several days a week, at different times, so I should be able to make once a week a priority.

Thankfully, my new schedule starts at the beginning of next week. Day shift, which I hate, but keeps the lady happy.

I've been doing a good job of that; keeping her happy, I made breakfast in bed the other day after coming home from work, followed by awesome morning sex. Which was a change. According to her, I'd not been frisky in about a month. I'd been dealing with all of the post-alcoholism stuff well, but knowing she'd cheated on me has been tough. I've kinda been burying it, along with everything else I bury, and refuse to deal with it (like I normally do with stuff). You can't be the funny fat guy with the beard if you keep dealing with serious stuff. Then you just turn into the sad fat guy with the beard.

The one thing that I find odd, is that I don't miss booze. I mean, I've had some epic drunkenings. But I guess when alcohol nearly destroys someone you love, you don't really have a hard time letting it go. I do have a hard time letting go of my past behaviors. Because of how she acted when she was drinking, I find myself still wanting to protect her from THINGS. Anything. A commercial romanticizing drinking, a offensive part of a movie or tv show, especially one that's harsh on a person who's cheated or been a drunk. What used to be things that would set her off, or that she would use as an excuse to be upset and possibly start a fight.

There have been no fights since rehab. When I found out she cheated, I was upset. We talked it out, I handled it like a champ. Later, during a group treatment, we had a great long discussion on the way home, and turned what would normally have been a fight, into something that ended with us understanding each other better. How often does that happen? We realized then and there this treatment was working for us positively.

I'm still having a hard time with the inherent GOD in the 12 steps. I can accept that I was powerless over the alcohol in my life, that my life has become unmanigeable. I can't accept the higher power is the only thing that can rescue me. i just can't can't do that yet. I don't have the faith.

What I do have the faith in, is that I should just keep going to meetings, that this shit works for folks, and I need something to work.

That will have to do for now.

Flecky: Hang in there, mate.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

DavidLejeune — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:18:06 -0800

That's my big philosophical problem with AA/NA etc. gov spy There has to be some humanist alternative rehab/addiction therapy groups that don't use an addict's disease or weakness as a back door into religious conversion. The very fact that you've decided to do something about it for the sake of your lady and yourself shows that you're not powerless over the alcohol. Stick with it, and gloss over the God stuff if you have to.

So this is stupid and self-indulgent and I look like a selfish prick for writing it, but my 'Christmas in New York' plan may not work out. I was leaning towards booking flight and hostel separately, only to discover that a flight to New York from Phoenix is actually much more fucking expensive than I thought. I've done some calculations and I should be able to afford it without impacting my savings too much if I book now, but my bank account is at a point where I want to wait for a paycheck otherwise I'll be annoyed at how much I've spent. And that's annoying me even more, because compared to a lot of people I am absurdly well off savings wise and I shouldn't let an arbitrary number I've set for myself prevent me from going out there. I'm just at a weird ever so slightly more than break-even point with regular expenses vs income, so I'd have to cut back a bit in January/February to bring myself back up. Though December is a rare three paycheck month. I'll probably bite the bullet on this on Friday. I really want to go New York, if only to bring Rachael flowers and ice cream (or leave them on the stoop of her apartment, if it has a stoop, and run off due to shyness and embarrassment).

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

government spy — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:35:58 -0800

@David Well, that 1st step thing about being powerless was fairly accurate. Basically it meant that with alcohol in our lives we were completely insane, and so far Alanon has been right about that it's foolish for me to try and control my girlfriend or her drinking. Once I let go of that, things have been going fairly well. Basically, I just have to stick to my guns. The simple part is this: if she wants to stay in my house or my life, she can't drink. If she fucks up, she has to tell me before things get crazy. There's no zero tolerance here, she's expected to mess up.

Something they say in treatment, is that the alcoholic is not responsible for having the disease of alcoholism, but they are responsible for their actions. I used to think AA was giving drunks a "free pass" with the concept of alcoholism as a disease, saying "it's not your fault," and the drunk can just throw their hands up in the air and say "what are you gonna do? I'm an alcoholic." And I'm sure there's some drunks out there that do that. But that's not the way AA is intended to be used. It's intended to end the cycle of guilt that keeps the drunk drinking. Every confrontation with the drunk has the little alch-y devil on their shoulder, whispering, "You know what would make you feel better? A drink."

I know what the steps are. I know that they work for a lot of people. I know I'm not the first person to think this way. I think there's another saying (AA loves its slogans, but 9/10 times they're accurate) about "fake it til you make it," that might work for me. If you can't buy the God stuff, just do it anyways, make it habit, until shit starts working.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Labyrinthine — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:58:33 -0800

@govtspy, you might want to try SOS instead of or in addition to AA if the religious content is bothering you. I'm sure there's one in your area, it might be a little easier to make meetings a priority if they don't make you feel like you're failing at a central aspect of it even though it's not really related to sobriety.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Comicbookbunny — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 04:31:18 -0800

Hint: if your significant other dresses up for you (in this case lingerie) holding pizza and beer and offers a back rub since they know you've had one hell of a crap day-
The first thing out of your mouth should NOT be "Do you want something?" even if you swear what you >actually< meant was "are you trying to seduce me" IT will still
fucking hurt.
*sulk*

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Fauxhammer — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 07:54:02 -0800

I'm almost through with a long-term writing project (my Weaponizer serial). One installment left to go. I find myself with a bad case of the "What Nexts".

I think I'm ready to try a novel. Are you ever really ready? Is it like being The One, and you just know it? I hope so, because I think I'm going to do it.

Still on my "I'll allow myself a nervous breakdown if I'm not on the success track by 40" trip. Three years to do my best work.

I've got my tools. I've got my laptop, I've got the Scrivener demo loaded up. I've got coffee, and I've got my lunch hour. Let's do this.

@bunny--Facepalming. Literally facepalming.

@everybody: Keep on hanging in, folks.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:04:26 -0800

@ government spy: Good on you for hitting the two month spot.Just did a massive post that died in space about your feelings around the programme.Don't worry.Your not alone on the God thing etc.And i do meetings all the time.And i've never been this clean for decades.So something must be working.

Must rest.Head made of glass.

Laters

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

RenThing — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:20:35 -0800

@gov_spy

Do me a favor, mate? Trying to make her happy is a good endeavor but please keep in mind the only person who can make her happy is herself. You can do everything in the world to help facilitate that, but if she doesn't end up happy then that isn't a failing on your part. I've seen too many people fall into the "If I'd only done more" trap".

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

sellmeyoursoul — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 11:12:21 -0800

@Comicbookbunny - Yes please!

@GovSpy/Flecky - Keep it up. (Wish I had something more helpful, but there it is)

@Rachael - Damn girl, can't you catch a single fucking break?

As for me... I'm about 80% over that girl, which is stupid since at this point we've been broken up about as long as we were together. I've removed her from my g+ circles and hidden her from gchat so that I don't have to see her name/face every time I log onto the internet, which wasn't helping me avoid obsessing. But fortunately work has been kicking my ass so hard that I don't really have time to worry about women. While I'm not "officially" a manger, I have a team of 8 people I'm responsible for at the moment. I found out on Monday that two of them in India will be out all week for "training" so now I'm trying to find a way to absorb 25% of the teams load. Since we're all buried, there is no where for it to go, so it's sort of on me to deal with. Mind you I don't get paid any more than the other 7 people. Actually, probably a fair sight less than a couple of them. I haven't really even had time to worry about that until today because I have a couple of "urgent, drop everything, the world is ending, ahhh" issues that have managed to eat up the first two days of the week. So yeah, work is bad.

I managed to bang out the first draft of issue 5 of the comic I'm currently writing. Monday I ended up in an emotional state after work, while sitting in the table the lady and I frequented at my bar, where I just couldn't write, so issue 6 isn't started. I have my daughter this weekend, so I likely won't have time/energy to write again until Monday night. I hate that I have to declare tables dead to me, but I will definitely be sitting somewhere else from now on.

Sunday evening, I'm meeting with my ex to discuss our daughter. There are a few issues that need to be addressed. We also need to try and make progress on the whole custody situation. That will likely be a great time.

So stress... that's where I am these days. From every direction, stress.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Alan Tyson — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 16:07:06 -0800

@Fauxhammer: There is no knowing anything about a novel, much less if you're ready. If you think you're ready, you're probably not. Uncertainty can be a good thing.

I've started... god, too many novels to think about without crying. I've gotten past a hundred pages in four of them, and almost to two hundred in one. Still haven't written "the end" for anything over a hundred pages, though. I don't say that to discourage you - quite the opposite, in fact! Even if you don't finish, it's an absolute blast just sitting down with those characters every day. If reading can take you out of an unpleasant world, then writing does it even better. Don't even worry about if you're ready, or if you'll finish, or if it'll be any good. Worry about having fun and getting a little bit better every day - that's the only kind of worrying that'll do you any good as a writer.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 02:22:13 -0800

@ Rachael: Yeah,my heart goes out to you.It really fooking does.I feel like crawling down the net to give them spastard welfare people a good english bashing but even if i could it would probably just make things worse for you and i would end up in the cells kicked to shit by the five-0.Shit gets me so angry and frustrated.Take care,girl,ok?!

@Anchorbeard: Good advice mate.I've got tons of unfinished stories.And when i go back to read some of them i can't even remember doing them.I was so wired on speed that the plots disintegrated into a mess of bloated pregnant pauses.Nowadays when i write i get so deep into the story etc. that it can be very scary.Yet fun.Especially if i'm doing something about my life but turning it up a notch with existential horror.What i'm tempted to do to get some closure with all the mad crap i wrote is do a William Burroughs job and just slam it all together in one volume with the minimum of editing.If i tried to make sense of it all now it would be too much of a headache.I shudder a bit with embarrassment thinking what it would be like but even if it was utter shite at least it would be my shite.Heartfelt and true.I would much prefer to live that life as a writer than succumb to being a hack.

I hate hacks.And the people who support them reading their generic toss like cattle.Nothing but hatred and contempt.At least comic fanboys can be good for a laugh.I should know.I invented them.I was there at the dawn of time getting Alan Moore to sign Watchmen etc like a fly on shit.Yeah,there may have been a few before me but i was king of them.The Ultimate Fanboy.

Bloody hell.Can anyone remember when The Mighty World Of Marvel came out in the early seventies in England?Rhetorical question.I can.It was like xmas day every saturday getting my pocket money and running to the newsagent to get that bastard.You got a iron on transfer of The Hulk with issue one and i wore that green nutter with pride.The day i got my F.O.O.M package by slug mail.I swear if i'd been old enough to wank..there would have been sex piss everywhere.

I enjoyed that trip down memory lane.We got it lucky nowadays with comics.Even if nothing good was to come out for a while there are piles of good stuff to periodically mount and mindfook.

Small pleasures in these dark and uncertain times.And by the acrid steam emanating from my foul mutated satanic stump they are dark.Stay frosty kids.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Fauxhammer — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 02:44:00 -0800

@Anchorbeard--Yeah, at this point, it's still all about refining my process. Gotta earn your chops somehow.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

government spy — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 04:07:38 -0800

I swear if i'd been old enough to wank..there would have been sex piss everywhere.

I think everytime I think of Flecky, that quote will be in my head.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

texture — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 04:48:15 -0800

@Fauxhammer

I've been collecting writing 'tips' that work for me this year. Most to do with novel writing. Been to some talks by the likes of Denise Mina and Alan Bisset that were very helpful. Here goes.

1) Don't start writing until you're sure enough about the background detail - do some research first, then close the research part down (for now).

2) Write the first draft as quickly as possible. 500 words a day if you can. No research while writing (Google maps is allowed, dictionary is allowed). No talking to people about the plot, characters, or title. Exceptions: long-suffering partner/spouse, writing group (IF they are helping crit draft 1 while in progress), and a maximum of two beta-readers (what Stephen King calls 'Ideal Readers' - people who like That Kind Of Thing, who you trust).

3) Keep a folder for questions which need research. Don't try and answer them in the first draft - if you don't know how it works make it up. You can change it later.

4) Finish the first draft before doing any revisions. If the novel is a mystery / thriller / suspense type thing, don't plan too much. I've been putting plot points and chapter beats on cards and re-arranging them - this has been helpful for keeping the overall structure in my head, but its kind of cheating. If you know what happens next, chances are your readers will too. After Chapter 2 I started doing 1-page thumbnails of each chapter, a day or two before embarking on them - this keeps things fresh, and is better than trying to stick to my larger outline. That thing was just slowing me down.

5) Draft 2 is for research. Get all your folder questions answered by an expert of some kind while re-writing. Draft 2 is also for theme - whatever the book is about, besides the story and characters. Find the theme while re-reading - don't force it into the first draft. In draft 2, ask yourself what serves to illuminate / make effective this theme. Consider cutting stuff that contradicts or muddies it.

6) Draft 2 is for nailing 'the voice' and making sense of the plot. Listen to your beta readers, ask them to underline parts where you get it all right.... make the whole book like that, cut whatever is out of place.

7) Kill your darlings.

8) The villain is the most important character.

9) Your hero should suffer often, and hideously. Keep throwing stuff at him/her, see what s/he can take.

That's all I have so far. I'm still in first draft territory - every day's a slog. Third attempt at a novel, feels like this one might be the one I finish. Speaking of which.... I should be writing.

Good luck man! Is it going to be a scholomance novel?

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Comicbookbunny — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 04:48:20 -0800

Contact cement is not the same as Rubber cement- don't let anyone convince you otherwise especially if you are making latex clothing....

The people at lowes tried to convince me they were the same so i tried it and NO. No at all. I can tell you their chemical compound is different also Rubber Cement would actually make the latex stick together and i would not be able to peel it off.... Time and effort is wasted and annoying.

And why the fuck are people who work at lowes and home deopt have NO clue what they are doing. Also trying to talk to the and telling him that rubber cement is used in plumbing not wood working and having NO idea what the fuck i'm talking about. It would be so nice to talk to knowledgeable people.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Fauxhammer — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 05:12:13 -0800

@texture It's definitely going to have Jason December and a gang of Practitioners! As far as Scholomance, "Sigil Kids" is definitely in the works, but I don't know if it's going to be a novel from the start, a Weaponizer serial, or do the latter first and rework it into a novel later (which is what I'm doing with WCP; I'm collecting the parts now, and I'll be expanding out from the 30K words it is now to about 60K if I can). This one's going to be a slightly different version of the script for The Fall, taking some of the visual parts and making them fit a prose framework. No sense in throwing out perfectly good ideas; they'll just need a novel-y polish.

Excellent advice, though, and I'm going to need all I can get. Fuckaround time is over, and if I'm not at least making progress by 40, I foresee significant psychiatric issues in the offing.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

sellmeyoursoul — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 08:13:39 -0800

Interesting writing discussion. I haven't attempted a novel yet, but I have several screenplays, TV pilots and comic scripts under my belt. I think I completely disagree with Anchorbeard though. I find immense value in finishing what I start. Unless it is clear beyond question that what I'm writing is complete and utter shite, I slog through to the end. At least of the first draft.

I spent years starting things and then moving on to the new shiny idea and never finished anything longer than a 10 page short story (and even that was more an exception). Since I've started forcing myself to finish my overall productivity has gone way up. I also started outlining before I do a first draft. (and do a lot of work in my head before the outline) That way I can work out the beats. This is probably more important with things like comics and TV where there are hard breaks that you need to build up to, while still moving the overall story forward.

My other policy is that I expect the first draft to be crap. Don't worry about it, slog through. Then eviscerate it every draft until there is nothing that doesn't feel like it needs to be there. I do drafts where I focus on different things. Dialog. Plot. Secondary Characters. Individual scene structure. Most of the work for me is in the rewrites.

Here is Mamet talking about writing. I read that from time to time just to remind myself how much of a hack I am.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 12:55:30 -0800

Everyone in the world is creepy or a disappointment. I know I might have been raised with the kind of ridiculous romance that is preposterous to expect in modern adulthood, but ....

Fuck. Stop. Stop trying to get in my pants. Stop putting the ownness on ME for being "so hot". Stop telling me that I can't expect to have people in my life who aren't trying to bed me.

Here's the thing. It's not a compliment. It is not a compliment to be told that you are attractive, when that means to others that you are sexual prey. I know. I know I look attractive. But it doesn't MEAN anything when I think of myself as the chick in I'm Gonna Git you Sucka (see below). It doesn't MEAN anything if I know that you'll do or say anything to get in my pants. It takes away from everything that I thought was someone who might enjoy my company. It makes interaction base. It makes me even more lonely. It makes everything I have chosen to be worthless, and reduces me to a sum of my genetics.

When a married/taken dude wants to hang out, my reaction was always "how cool! he's taken, and he wants to hang! That means he really wants my company!" and that has proven a naive outlook. No. No. He wants to get in your pants too.

If there was just some gentlemanly effort. Something that made me not feel like an empty vessel. Something. Please, not the nonsequiter statement of "hey, I've never kissed anyone with a tongue ring" or the drunken touching that won't back the fuck off, or the upfront offer of a "position of mistress with possible future upgrade to girlfriend".

The married guy, the older girlfriend guy, the guy I've known since childhood, the guy I've known since highschool, my dad's best friend since childhood, the guy I tell how heartbroken I am, the girl I tried to help out with money so she could feed her cats, the guy I end up trapped under and awning with in the pouring rain.... all these have unabashedly tried to get in my pants, and the response, when I voice my frustrations is: "well, what did you expect? that's what happens when you are pretty."

Everyone in the world is creepy.

Or a depressing disappointment.

Or both.

(or too distant to know).

But then, I posted online recently that sometimes, being called pretty make you feel small, like a smiling pointless thing. I meant it as something insulting. But nobody got it. They thought it a compliment. Even the ladies.

Maybe it's just me.

EDITED TO ADD: @David - this does not apply to ice cream and flowers :)

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

oldhat — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:41:39 -0800

@Rachael: Speaking as a bisexual gal who has not once put a move on you when we've met and really enjoys your company I'll have to say that I really hope I'm not a depressing disappointment. I mean, I guess I AM creepy in the "I like taking pictures of murder" way, but...

But yeah. Argh. Fuck. I know how that can be, Rae. One of the curses I tend to have with being as tall as I am is that there are a LOT of guys and gals who want me to be some sort of mistress or...something with them. What made it shitty was that I THOUGHT I was making a friend and that they liked my personality enough to want to hang out, but it all boiled down to "You're tall and I want you to beat me up while naked". Nothing can bring someone down enough to know that a good portion of people JUST see you as that and really don't care about the substantial stuff. And the fact that these people DON'T EVEN SEE HOW IT'S AN INSULT is even fucking worse.

Creepers and tactless fetishists. I tell ya.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Fauxhammer — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:46:18 -0800

Fuck all that, and I'm sorry you guys have to go through it.

Man, being perceived as creepy is such a phobia of mine, I think I come off as curt.

Good! I'd rather be sullen than creepy any day.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Argos — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:02:56 -0800

@Rachael - makes me think of the "Thank God I'm Pretty" song by Emilie Autumn. It's all about how guys are always creeps to you and your accomplishments are never recognized as they should be because pretty girls can't accomplish anything :|

I wish I could fly you over to SD to hang out with my friends, I know some guys with enough integrity to actually just want to hang out.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

texture — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:11:36 -0800

if I'm not at least making progress by 40, I foresee significant psychiatric issues in the offing.

You are making progress dude - look at your wordcount! As I've said elsewhere, I love the Scholomance / practitioner stuff. It's a wicked concept. More!

@sellmeyoursoul Cheers for the mamet link! Very interesting read.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:31:10 -0800

And when you don't put out, people go away, and the people around them go away too, because it's easier to unfriend the girl that made things awkward by "making a scene", than it is to unfriend the buddy who was hitting on her. At least, that would explain why my dad is still friends with his drummer; a guy who drove me home from my Aunt's house one Christmas Eve, brought me out for a drink because he forgot it was my birthday, invited my girlfriend out to join us (who declined), and then kissed me. He'd followed me into the cab I'd gotten to get the fuck away from him, and when I woke from fading out briefly, I found that he'd put his hand down my shirt. I told my dad, and his first response was to ask if I'd been putting out signals. If "signals" is talking about my dad-issues and my current relationship woes, then the answer is yes. The dude, when confronted, said that he thought that I was into him. If talking about your dad and your current significant other is being "into someone" then yes I was.

And all was forgiven.

And then he chased me and my female date down at a New Years Party two years later, trying to weasle his way into our fucking hotel room after hours. And my dad invited him down to stay for the weekend in the house WHERE I LIVED on the Jersey shore. I told all this to my Aunt. She doesn't care, and still has him over for Christmas Eve. And nobody fucking cares. And I'm the one who makes this difficult. And this is why I spent LAST Christmas Eve, my fucking birthday, walking a mile to the train, taking the train one stop away, and killing 10 hours of time half in a Starbucks, and half in a cold train stop. By my fucking self. Because I didn't want to see that asshole on my birthday, didn't want to deal with my family who finds this all permissive, and couldn't otherwise escape because I'd been dumped with my Aunt to live.

I mean, christ. Even if I WAS into this dude, that's fucking creepy. What the hell is wrong with someone who can look at a person they remember BEING BORN and find them sexually alluring? What kind of asshole friend IS that, who would be willing to fuck his oldest friend's daughter?! How am I the asshole in this situation?

There's a problem, you see. When you are sexualized at a young age, when you have dealt with sexual predators repeatedly since you were 6, it changes your body language, your social cues, the ways you interact, and it results in a person who is more permissive and accepting of minor infractions that might otherwise might someone more bristly and uncomfortable. I've got extra buffer in dealing with the uncomfortable and forward. It's how I was programmed. So yeah. Maybe my signals aren't.... normal. Maybe I seem strangely sexual in ways I don't mean, nor understand the way they are accpeted and interpreted by uptight and repressive mainstream society.

So last night, hanging out with my bartender friend, a fellow who I first met when I was 7 years old when he (at 19) and my mom were in art school together. Worked with him as fellow bartenders in the early aughts. And he's married. Seemed an ideal person to hang with. And half way through the night, it became obvious that he'd.... further aspirations. I am NOT a touchy feely person. Please do not get cuddly with me. Please get your fucking hand off my fucking knee. Please stop keeping your arm around me all night. I'd been convincing myself that it wasn't sexual, that he was just drunk and friendly. Until the last hug goodbye where he unintentionally let out a low sexual growl. Christ, really? Fuck. Thanks for shattering my thin viel of reality. Thank you for ruining another attempt at finding a human in the world.

And every time this happens, it strips a little bit more of my faith in humanity away. People aren't faithful. People always have ulterior motives.

Wow. December really fucks me up. Oh birthday, and your notoriously terrible happenings. It'd make things so much easier if I didn't really really LOVE the idea of Christmastime. I am going to assume that I will spend this Christmas and Christmas Eve mostly alone in my apartment, crying. It won't be such a bad Christmas, comparatively.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Argos — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:41:39 -0800

D: Wow, those are way creepy guys.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

dorkmuffin — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 16:03:35 -0800

@Rachael, I think the worst part about all of this is that it puts women (me at least) on edge, which makes it impossible to truly believe strange men are being nice to me just because they're nice. Constantly on the defensive.

WORST.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 17:39:10 -0800

@ Rachael Tyrell: Shit,i'm not the best one to give advice yet i will go out on a limb.And this is just my opinion.As a old bloke i've seen a lot and i can assure you i'm not a creep.Maybe a disappointment to some but fuck them.

Yet when i was younger and got drunk all i could think about was getting into bed with flesh.People and alcohol.For some reason it can turn them rampant.It would be easy for me to say it's just men.Men are dogs etc but in my experience it goes both ways.Mostly men try it on but i've had women do it to me drunk and it's not been pretty.And along the way women and i have messed up good friendships from booze,attraction and sex.I'm saying this because your bartender friend was drunk.Maybe when sober he can see the errors of his way and realise he has been out of order.It's still creepy though as this is someone you knew as a kid.

Sometimes xmas alone can be a ok thing.It's better than being with people just for the sake of.I've had some really crap times at xmas with supposed friends and family that's just descended into a stinking pot of resentment etc.I've had some ok ones on my own doing the exact opposite of what is expected from people at a trying time of year.This is just me as getting older i've sort of become a loner and it does get easier.Anyhow i hope you will be alright.

Damn.Some people can be just plain bad.I hate creeps.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

tedcroland — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 19:13:18 -0800

Finals...

I got back a 10-page paper last week, and got 100%. I'm not saying that to gloat--I actually don't think I deserved the grade. I'm kind of annoyed; I read it again and it was far from perfect. There are holes in my argument, they're all wishy-washy and I stop referencing other works on the fifth page. The grammar isn't great either. I need to stop taking non-philosophy classes. I don't know if it's my department, but both my non-philosophy courses are a total wash. The things I've learned are non-concrete. The materials are fine, but their context and examination are lacking. My sociology of religion class failed to define religion in any way (way to be a scientist about it), and my Native American studies class has yet to have any kind of reasonable insight. It's intellectual torture.

BUT! I get to run a class in a year! As my thesis, I'm running a philosophy of film class. I've been writing about the philosophy of film since I got to this (kind of terrible) school, so it will be deeply cathartic to finally come to some kind of fruition.

Re: Terrible men

I'm with Faux on this. I hate the idea that someone might think I'm creeping. I try really hard to be genuine, but I don't know how I'm perceived. It makes it hard when both trying to be respectful but exert ones-self romantically with someone else. I guess that's why so many default to being douches--it's just easier. More effective. You might be a piece of shit, but you get what you want more often than someone who doesn't give over to their more base selves. But I think it's shitty as shit can be, seeing when it hurts people. None of you should have to feel "on edge" because of these people, but you have to because it's your only defense mechanism. Fuck those people.

You guys mind if I gripe about a semi-related thing that's been bugging me a lot and have had no real outlets for? Of course you don't!

So someone recently brought to my attention that I have a chance with this young woman that I've known for a few years. Cool, right?! Not really. She's kind of the black widow of my social circles. This is the girl that was dating W, slept with his best friend C (alcohol was a factor), broke up with W to half-sorta-kinda date C and then bailed on him. W & C are still not friends. There's a handful of similar stories starring her.

She's very pretty, she's smarter than she lets on, and she has tastes that roughly match with mine, but it seems pathological, the way she treats her others. I also hate the idea of dating a friends X and upsetting that person. And this is four or five times over with her, so I'm just stacking my likelihood that I am going to "fuck over" someone.

Here is just a list of anxieties that I have regarding this situation: first and foremost, I'm terrified that I'll weaken. I don't drink so I'm not going to make THAT mistake, but I'm afraid that I'm less strong than my moral self requires. I'm afraid that if I turn her down it'll make it hard to be social with her. I have no specific criticisms of her personality, I just don't want to be more than friends. In any case, it's going to come to a point where I have to turn her down. I hope I don't fuck it up.

This is, of course, all compounded by the fact that I've been romantically incapable since my last break-up earlier this year.

I just don't want to be an asshole. Can anyone tell I overthink everything?

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Fauxhammer — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 19:49:29 -0800

@ted--Seems legit to me, man.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Argos — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 20:04:01 -0800

It's been my experience that males who try not to come off as creeps do alright, at least with me. When I first met my boyfriend, he tried really hard to get across the fact that he was into me without coming off as a creep, which I guess is something he also worries about, and it turned out fine. However, with guys that just go for it and don't take no for an answer, that's just creepy. And yeah, that seriously happened to me. I was crashing with some male friends and I'm totally fine with platonic cuddling, but one guy tried to take it further and would NOT take no for an answer. He seriously was begging at one point and asked if we could play "just the tip." I flat out said "No, I don't want to do anything sexual" many times, but dude wouldn't stop. There's a difference between trying to let someone know you're romantically/sexually interested and just not backing off.

So, bottom line, just take it easy, guys, and you should be fine. Misunderstandings happen, just don't be THAT creep that won't accept a "NO."

@ted - turning someone don't in "the best way possible" is always hard, because sometimes even the best way still sucks. I hope it goes as well as it can for you, and that the best case scenario isn't a sucky one.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

government spy — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 21:34:36 -0800

In my opnion, when you ask someone any form of request, you have to consider the possibility of "no" as an answer. If you refuse to accept "no," then you're no longer in the area of requesting; you're demanding. If a person cannot understand that, I cannot deal with them; they are unreasonable and irrational, and there's no point trying to have any sort of conversation with them, because they do not see others as equals.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rootfireember — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:36:19 -0800

I guess I don't consider most people reasonable or safe to be around. At the end of the day it seems like 99% of people don't give a damn, or are trying to get something from you. I've given up on relationships, on having people around in real life who could understand. It's a pipe dream, a fantasy.

I don't know if things will get better, ever. Seems like damn near everything is fucked up- climate, economy, etc. beyond the point of repair that anything of my existence is rather beyond the point. I'm starting to feel more myself as the meds kick in... But the depression is still there, and lurking, and I'm tired of messing with medications for now. Sometimes I feel okay. I think I've felt good sometimes, too. But the depression is still there and it's hard to go back to a doctor when it feels like he's given up on you because the pills aren't working like they should.

I guess at the end of the day, I can't trust most people, and I've lost the knack for jumping from acquaintance to friend, and for the most part I'm too terrified of crap getting taken away from me or the good old bait n switch to really just go for my dreams. It makes for a lonely, scary life. I keep trying to hold onto hope and it just feels so slippery and unreliable, even on a good day. Family going from supportive to no supportive and back again, along with a recent family death (no condolences needed.i wasn't close, but it has brought up fam. Drama as the relatives react. Thank god I'm under their radar for now as CrazyArtGirl) just....

A rough week.

On one hand my meds have started to kick in. On the other hand all my mental crud is still there, it's just...quieter?

I just wish I had people,around I could talk to or just grab a mocha with.
People who could look beyond my family and my history and see me as more than someone they can try to manipulate or as a scary crazy person. But there aren't people around here like that. I need to let that go. Hole up for the winter, dig in, and just wait for summer to come, keep my mouth shut...and write unti something worth reading comes out.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 23:55:49 -0800

I just wish I had people,around I could talk to or just grab a mocha with.
People who could look beyond my family and my history and see me as more than someone they can try to manipulate or as a scary crazy person. But there aren't people around here like that. I need to let that go. Hole up for the winter, dig in, and just wait for summer to come, keep my mouth shut...and write unti something worth reading comes out.

Amen, sister. Amen.

@govenmentspy - I think... I think that what's most bothersome, most frustrating about being a female in these situations is that there isn't anything asked. There is no question. It's assumed. It's assumed that the kind of forward talk, the casual touching, the physical dominance, is acceptable and comfortable. It's the kind of thing that MOST straight men would punch a guy out for if they were treated in the same manner.

DEAR MEN: The way to NOT be a creep is to simply turn the tables and imagine if you were being hit on by a large fellow. What would be complimentary? what would skeeve you the fuck out, or make you feel uncomfortable? THAT is the line, right there. Simple answer.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Labyrinthine — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 01:07:46 -0800

Yeah the problem is the guys who most need that advice are the guys who'd freak the fuck out if a dude hit on them even in the nicest way.

I think I'm pretty lucky with my social circle, it's mostly composed of decent non-creepy people. There are still a few weird assumptions people make, but for the most part you can trust people being attracted to you to stay in the background when not-gonna-happen signals are sent. Funny thing is, when the one guy who gets a bit handsy while drunk groped me, another man who was there was significantly more upset than I was. And me, I'm not really creeped out by anything short of a person trying to limit my mobility - if I'm free to lean back or walk away, any kind of inappropriate behaviour is annoying but safe. Grab me to stop me from moving and unless we're really good friends it's kind of another story. Anyway, the ironic thing was that the guy who was so angry about my getting groped as to hold a grudge against the other guy a year later had restricted my movement more than McHandsy over there, he just hadn't done it in a sexual context - grabbed my wrist to stop me getting up off the couch because I hadn't said goodbye. For me, no matter how much you try to situate yourself in opposition to creeps by overtly hating them, that sort of thing just does not speak well to your understanding of boundaries.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

razrangel — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 01:07:50 -0800

Ted: Just Say No to the black widow. I speak from experience.

Exhausted right now. Naturally, despite trying to save the next three days for studying for my Japanese final they're being sucked up by people who figure I'm unemployed, I'm made of time - their time. Despite the fact that it's the 21st century and I can scan a document at home and send it electronically anywhere in the world, I still have to take my proof of completed community service to the court in downtown LA. It's due Monday but I have my final then so I ought to take it tomorrow. Mentioned that to my mom - by way of complaining that I can't get right on my studying - and she asked a "while you're out" favor that involves working on a washing machine and talking to people I don't know. Saturday is my best friend's choir recital of Handel's Messiah, which she's been excited about since late summer. I've been committed to going since then so...off I'll go. Sunday I may participate in a staged reading of a play, maybe. I'm sketchy about it because I really, really ought to hit the books. But the director needs people and I could use the showing off time. Oh and babysitting the niece.

Fuck I'm tired. It's been a crazy week of trying to get past the community service and get prepped for my Japanese presentation and feeling inferior because I don't know how to use PowerPoint and then getting to walk away feeling like mine may have been one of the better presentations and also taking care of my dad whose kidneys are shot and taking care of my niece who is bright but hates working on anything that takes more than a few minutes of effort and... I'm rather sleepy. There was improv class tonight and it was fun except I missed the first half hour due to being an absolute dope and getting horribly lost when I've been there over a dozen times already!

To creep or not to: Sometimes I wonder if it might not help if girls understood that guys - the average guy, not supercreepy and not, you know, Cary Grant - really, truly can't tell the difference between a gritted tooth "please leave me alone" and a giggly "oh stop!" But... that's really for the average guy. The creep will A. ignore what a girl puts out there and paint over it with what he wants to see and B. use a girl's social conditioning against her.

Eh. I've just known so many guys (again, the regular guys) who really can't tell when a girl is distracted vs aggravated or who think she's being nice when she's actually into him...I feel for them a little. Then again being a pretty girl gets guys coming in like moths to a flame. And there's something about the creeps who can always tell if the pretty girl will be susceptible to an arm around her shoulders, close quarters, etc. They seem to always be able to tell when a girl can get pushed around. (I say this without boasting; I'm not a girl like this. I know I give off "touch me and die" vibes. Which is annoying because it's not what I'm usually thinking.)

I dunno. Guys need to police themselves. Seriously. Might help if girls are as clear as bells, but it just doesn't always. Sorry you've had such long, miserable slog, Rachael.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 04:19:08 -0800

@ All:Good food for thought.This debate about creeps,boundaries etc is educational.

Shit.I got to go to a NA meeting over the road and wage war on God yet again.

It's what my sponsor was kicked out of heaven for.

Ha fooking Ha..

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

dorkmuffin — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 05:22:43 -0800

@Rachael, because of this topic I had a dream last night where two guys were obstinately hitting on a woman near me. Their advances were clearly unwanted, so I gave them a piece of my mind. The piece that controls my fists.

It was a good dream.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Pooka — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 06:13:17 -0800

@Rachæl Tyrell I can relate hun... most of the male friends I make have hopes to get into my pants one day, and when it starts looking like they won't make it, they're whole attitude towards me changes, and they drift away. It upset me so much in the past that I spent two years not giving a shit about how I looked. Quit cutting my hair, quit with makeup, quit my cute clothes...just didn't give a shit....then I got really lonely again because it seemed like no one wanted to be around me at all if I wasn't eye candy. Reaaaal big ego buster there...makes you feel like you can't trust kindness from anyone...
I probably don't help my situation though because every couple years i meet some cute guy or chick that's interested in me for friendship and debauchery...but usually the debauchery turns sour because they either ask for too much or give me too little in one department or another...or they do something to piss my husband off, then of course, the friendship dissolves too, and I sit there regretting my damned libido.
I think I might have gotten lucky with my dj though. even though our physical relationship is over, he's still sticking around, even after all the fights we've had. I kind of appreciate that. He's the first dude I've remained friends with after things went to hell. Maybe it's just because he's friends with my husband too that he's making an effort to stay buddies with me, but i guess I still appreciate the effort.

So...business is rolling along, both good and bad...
Paypal started a new policy that holds your money for up to three weeks (or until your buyer contacts them and releases the money). It's bullshit. Most buyers won't take the time and effort to send the confirmation...and paypal started this policy in december, when folks NEEEEED their money. So I'm sitting here at the beginning of the fucking month broke as can be, but I have over five hundred bucks sitting in my paypal account. i've still got to buy my kids christmas presents. I don't have a tree, and i've got bills coming due in a few days...it's so fucking aggravating.
Good news though. I finally got my venue. Al's Bar and Grill of Lexington has agreed to host my show. We haven't set an exact date yet, but I'm going to try to schedule it on the first or second weekend of March. This show is going to kick ass. I sent my initial invite out to my eleven favorite boys and I've gotten an attendance confirmation from the wonderful Billy Tackett (most awesome local artist who makes part of his money zombiefying pop culture icons, illustrating comics and book covers and all sorts of wonderful things.), Billy Boyd (one of my buddies, who frequently participates in a lot of local art projects, and is also an actor in the webshow Breakfast Impossible), and Stevie Moore (another absolutely talented artist I've recently started working with out here in the central KY area).
If my other boys are free we'll have Scottie Watson (Dead Reckoning and artist for Talon, also...a kick ass tattoo artist who works for Red Beard tattoos I believe), mr. RD Hall (writer for American Wasteland and Heroes...he's now working for NBC apparently...so yay RD!), Mark Kidwell (Also on American Wasteland and currently working on 68, and a number of other awesome horror comics)...i want to go out putting my friends and business associates names out there, but i don't want to list anyone else until I get confirmation (just started sending out limited invites a couple days ago)..anyway..it's going to be a kick ass show. i've finally got a project to work on! I hope that if any of you are within driving distance, that you'll come out and see us. You won't be disapointed. I'll have my dj rocking us out for the majority of the show and then we'll be ending with a live band...did I mention it's in a bar...so there will be much alcohol...and aaaaaaaaannnnnd... they have the best damned organic/locally grown and raised food stuffs. Also, depending on if we decide to include our film production companies, we may have the crew from Girl/Girl Scene (a really great lesbian drama series written by and starring Tuckey Williams, and directed by an extremely talented directer by the name of Eric Butts), Catnippery, Cineline, maybe some Squirrely Cow, Big Biting Pig, Tim Ritter, and a number of other local film folks. Woot!
If your an artist and want to try to make some cash with us, let me know. We'll have spaces for you to sell your prints/original art. We'll also holding live art sessions with a auctioneer working on selling your art while you draw/paint. :) Also if you're an artist and want to donate some artwork to our charity (American Cancer Society, specifically for this show, my dj insists we donate to Prostate Cancer....probably because one of his legacies as an actor is a giant penis monster) if you email me I'll send you my address. I'll also send you a receipt after the auction, for your records. It should be a lot of fun for everyone involved :). I'm hoping I can get some of the big names out here in ky to come around. If anyone knows Tony Moore, I'd appreciate the help in convincing him to come out to the show :P
yeah, so once I get things locked down I'll make an actual official announcement somewhere appropriate on the board, but for now I'm just kinda laying stuff out until I can get a definite date locked down....i'm just waiting for the bar to reply....oh dear lord i hope this doesn't take two months like last time....

oh..also...started drawing again....once i finish my lizard man...i'm gonna go get it and my Shockwave painting scanned so I can get some prints and show them off. We finally found out where Botcon (transformers convention) is going to be and when so we've got to start preparing. We're going as vendors this year and I'm going to be selling my prints along with comics comics and toys. It should be a blast, but i'm kinda pissed they had it in Dallas Texas...I don't like texas...lived there for two years when I was little...the roaches are my mortal enemy...

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

taphead — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 09:00:25 -0800

Another mixing gig. Four bands. Showtime in two hours. No bands here yet, no gear on stage.

No problem!

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Argos — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 09:23:45 -0800

I think that what's most bothersome, most frustrating about being a female in these situations is that there isn't anything asked.

I once heard a woman say that the sexiest thing a man can do is ask. Now, I don't know that it's the sexiest thing, but it is very nice. And not just for sexual things, just for anything physical, because it shows respect for others' boundaries. That said, I think this applies to everyone, not just males. Whomever is the one being forward - just ask.

@Roo - SO MANY HUGS! I hope it gets better, sorry people aren't being supportive :(

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

oldhat — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 10:03:31 -0800

Getting rid of the guys who don't take no for an answer is pretty annoying as well. Generally I can get them to slink away, but my rule is after three polite requests to back off and they still persist, I get aggressive and tell them to fuck off. If they still follow me around I do the same but get louder (and clearly explaining the situation so passerbys can hear that I may need help) so more people around me can hear (at this point someone usually comes and asks if there's a problem and the person is so nervous that they walk away). There have been two or three moments where I've had to walk in to a bar or store, or hailed a cab just to get away, but nothing so bad to reach the final "go away" in which I hit them until they fall down. Most of the creeps have taken a hint once I show some sign of anger. My height and angry-face is good at telling a person that they will not have an easy time getting the better of me.

Any poorly worded advice I can give is probably in the area of: go in completely expecting a friendship. Before any kind of romantic interest forms there should ALWAYS be an interest in the person first and I believe that always a good way to start a friendship (by being interested in a person in a platonic way). Go in wanting to actually get to know them rather than wanting to be in a relationship with them. If something forms from it, great! If nothing comes of it, great! You still have an awesome friend! I hope I worded that right...

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

oldhat — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:38:44 -0800

Anyways, I guess with me...

Work is frustrating me a lot, lately. Primarily it has to do with people in charge of the internet end of management who still consider Twitter a "craze" and have to be explained how fucking Wikipedia works. It will always frustrate me that people who are put in charge of something and it is THEIR FUCKING JOB to know this stuff just have complete ignorance over it all and rely on people like me, who are younger and get paid SIGNIFICANTLY LESS, to tell them what it is and why it's a good thing so they can parrot all of it to clients. Then they get the pat on the back and I'm back to writing press releases without any acknowledgement. It pisses me off. A LOT.

And the other thing...and this is something he knows about so I don't feel bad talking on it here is...I really really adore Alan. I could barely separate myself from him when he was here. Inside I'm feeling amazing and wonderful and like some little girl who frolics around the place...but the lessons learned and habits formed from the last relationship (where I openly expressed those things and got torn down to nothing) is preventing me from expressing it in the way I want and causing me to, for the most part, keep the walls up. I hate that. I hate hate HATE that I've met a really wonderful guy who is crazy for me, and I for him, and I can't fucking express that properly. Thank god he's understanding and I'm making an effort to bring down those walls...but it's frustrating to feel that it has to be done.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

MrMonk — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:51:06 -0800

Sick feeling, very sick. Client asked to review a document and its gone from the system. Gone. Daily back-up corrupted. Twenty hours revising it, auto-save every 20 minutes. Gone. Legal penalties if not complete and registered on Tuesday. Sick, very sick.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

JP Carpenter — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 11:59:55 -0800

DEAR MEN: The way to NOT be a creep is to simply turn the tables and imagine if you were being hit on by a large fellow. What would be complimentary? what would skeeve you the fuck out, or make you feel uncomfortable? THAT is the line, right there. Simple answer.

Yeah. That. I've been hit on by large aggressive scary ladies, and drunk creepy men in the past (and once, a gang of about six girls in a park who thought it was funny to grope me and threaten 'female rape'), and neither was particularly pleasant. Don't get why people do that, why would you want to creep someone out or make them uncomfortable? Why would you be so bloody thick skinned as not to notice someone's discomfort? Sorry that anyone has to go through that.

But have always been one to try and stay well clear from other people's boundaries as I really don't like people coming near mine - I'm not touchy/feely at all, current partner had to write her number on my business card and say 'call me soon' before I figured out she wasn't just being 'nice'.

@Roo - NETHUGS, sorry things are still rough - at least the meds are kicking in, and if they make things quieter, that's more space to deal with the crud? Hope you can find some real support.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

sellmeyoursoul — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:37:17 -0800

Wow, a lot has gone on.

@Rachael/Root/every lovely lady on the planet - On behalf of my gender... sorry for all assholes. We really aren't all like that.

For my part, I'm the guy who continually get's the "I just see you as a friend" (see recent heartbreak) and I'm pretty sure some of that is my lack of aggression. I tend to have space issues and don't like people touching me. Unless you're someone I'm comfortable with. So, I tend to err on the side of respecting other people's boundaries. Plus, I have to live with myself, so I don't want to do anything I wouldn't respect if someone else did.

@Ted - I agree with everyone who says to avoid this lady. At least without a serious sit down about the past stuff. And even that isn't worth stepping into unless you're really into her. If not, let her know you only want to be friends. Be firm and clear. If she really wants to be friends, she'll deal. If not... bullet dodged.

@Oldhat - Don't force things. Anyone who follows the two of you on twitter can tell you kids are crazy. Um... for each other? Let those walls come down in their own time. If you and AB are meant to be, you'll be better off for not crossing any lines that at some level you may not yet be ready to cross.

Me? The fact that I want to is proof enough that I shouldn't. I've started talking to a couple of new ladies over the internet. No idea if there's anything there, but at least it's another step down the road away from heartbreak.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Fauxhammer — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 12:46:42 -0800

guess who almost cleaved his achilles tendon with a load of boxes

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

chiaslut — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:05:33 -0800

The new gig is stressing me out.
I've never done this type of work before (systems analysis) and I feel like what I imagine flunking out of school feels like.
I think the biggest issue is that the people I'm trying to write documentation for were expecting someone with experience and the person who hired me overestimated my skills or ability to learn quickly. I know he thinks I'm a good person and I have a good reputation in the company that we both worked for a bunch of years ago, but maybe his expectations are too high. Have I finally fulfilled the Paul Principle?
I'm stressed out of my head and for the first time in a long time, my job is affecting me outside of work. I'm barely sleeping and having what seem like mini panic attacks about what will happen if I can't make this job work. Jobs in Oregon aren't particularly plentiful. My brain is already planning escape routes. This is a Bad Sign.

Thanks for letting me vent. Back to it, then.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:58:02 -0800

This is going to be hard.Posting this one.Today is truly vile and this time not within the confines of my own crazy mind.Well, some of it is so here goes..

DETOX UPDATE:In my infinite wisdom i decided to change the opioid meds from Suboxone to Subutex this morning and do a 25 percent reduction.Subutex is basically the same narcotic,buprenorphine,but it doesn't have the receptor blocker naloxone in it.

I woke sick but it was bearable.Usual withdrawal symptoms so i just thought get on with it.I was watching jap horror,drinking a coffee and smoking tobacco.I crossed the road quite happy in my madness and went into a NA meeting.It was then that the world went twisted on me.A cramped room full of clean addicts in a back room of a church.Being on auto pilot i ended up sitting bang in the middle of them on a hard seat with a wonky crucifix in front of me.Crucifix's on bloody chairs.My arch nemesis was sat in a chair in front of me and i started to get ill.The steps were on a foul faded piece of poster paper on the wall with step 3(God) and 11(God) beaming down on me.It's a spiritual programme,not religious,which i quite like.Yet i felt (felt being the important word as my feelings are all over the place) that i was in a christian cult.I did a psycho share and said i felt like i was that little bastard Damien from the original Omen film..the bit when Gregory Peck is taking him to a church and the little git starts crying and a wailing. My skin was crawling and the it wasn't a good thing.Bit funny though.

Ok.That was/is my pain but when i went for hot chocolate with a good lady mate the outside world of addiction reared it's ugly head.She told me about a friendly,nice woman i knew from meetings who had gotten clean but had been relapsing of late.Last time i saw her was about 2 weeks ago and we had our usual ok chat.Shit,it only got so bad for her that she went and threw herself from a high rise block in Shepherds Bush and hit the busy street dead.Tragic yet true.And the other awful thing was it involved a creep predator male who had been using her for his own sick agenda.I'm not sure i know him but every instinct tells me i want him dead.My head hurts thinking about it and i find it strangely ironic that human behaviour around relationships etc has been under discussion here.

Also it has been my best friends fathers funeral today.I didn't go and guess i won't be judged as my friend is also an addict and knows what i'm going through.He is also really ill and seems to be losing weight by the second.

Hard drugs.Ultimately it ends in pain,shit and fooking misery.

Which is why i'm getting clean.

Time for a brew.Take care all as life is short.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

chris g — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 13:59:19 -0800

i fucking hate it when customers at work put their fucking hands on me, especially old guys [I'm not your fucking buddy and now i hate you, leave now]. sorry the ladies of FreakChapel have to deal with so much goddamn shit. in a past life i kinda used to be that guy; the holidays would come around and there'd be get-togethers so i'd drink up and take the first girl to flash me some eye contact as a signal and then try to put an arm around her until i'd get called on it or i'd just back off for not wanting make an ass of myself. then later i attended my first bachelor party; i tagged along and mooched off the food and beer and stood by and observed the show which was pretty unsettling when i look back on it. I was watching my friends and other guys i never met behaving like gross, mindless meatbags and the two girls they rented for the night were being passed around like real dolls with a pulse. the most I did was kiss one on the hand before they left cuz I'm a gentleman. that night really showed me how gross and worthless humans can be; to pay to use other humans to grind on them over their pants and have a stupid disgusting time. Anyway, after that I caught up on all the Buffy seasons and I guess that's my feminist secret origin.
Anyway, then I wanted to draw comics and morphed into the vessel for creating art an shit that I am today. the thought of secks and intimacy and spiritually bonding with another meatbag grosses me out which is why I prefer having a cat. by the way today is 2 years since my sis brought our kitty home. i'm going to throw kitty a pizza partay or something totally extreeeeme!

Bob; sorry bout you situation. we love you =D my grandma died in august, i didn't get to know her enough but it doesn't make it suck any less cuz that person ain't coming back. this other lady my mom works with I've known all my damn life and she got diagnosed with breast cancer this year and i think they had to remove her boob and then she did the treatments and lost her hair but she's still here. she's kind of a cunty sometimes but still, it's someone who is a cast member in your life. that shit hit me pretty bad when I saw MCR again this year and they played "Cancer" i turned into a little pussy right then and there. i keep telling myself my new mantra is "ONE LIFE, ONE CHANCE" but I still dunno how to really take that and run with it =\

Anyway, december is always when i feel like cranking out as much new art as I can before the year finally fucks off. I hope to get a Space Shark or two done. It's taken me a few years since I started it but I think I'm coming close to making my damn point with this fucking Shark and then I can finally move on [to make other points w/ space shark lol\]. there, i bared my theoretical soul. echhhh #peeeee PS: i love my cat

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Beamish — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 14:57:13 -0800

My wife and I watch Big Bang Theory and, if you did not, it was about bullies. She asked me if I was ever a bully, to which I answered no, I was bullied. This brought back a great many bad memories and an exhausting wave of depression. When I think about the little shitheads and the nasty names I was called I, well, I sort of want to cry. I wonder what possessed them to act the way they did, what makes people want to do that?

The more I think about it the more I see what I've become in life. I have a mean streak and a short temper at times, I don't like it and I don't know how to turn it off. However , thinking about it now, maybe I can use these dark feelings to determine a course of action for being a better person. It's a hard way to get better but I hope that I can.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

government spy — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 16:11:54 -0800

When it comes to relationships, I'd pretty much sucked at it for a long time. I've been with my old lady now for just under four years now, and now that we're both getting sober, things are looking pretty good. I'm still planning on proposing this coming spring.

But in the beginning, when we met, it was tough. She was preoccupied with being seen as this "tough independenent woman," which I love, but it wasn't so much whether that was really her or not, it was that she had to try so hard to be seen that way. Obviously she had been seriously hurt in the past, recently signed divorce papers, and had been sexually assaulted in the past as well, and had never made any attempts to deal with past traumas.

I knew that there was this really beautiful and caring person inside of her, but as it appeared to me, she acted like any signs of affection would be showing weakness and vulnerability, and she couldn't allow it. When we initially started sleeping together (she didn't even want to consider us "dating"), we worked together, and she wanted to keep things secret. Our first weekend together, we spent about three days basically explaining to each other our life stories, our worst secrets, and basically everything you don't want someone you've just started sleeping with to know about. We called it, "here's why you shouldn't date me," and it totally got us past a lot of unnecessary bullshit.

What my story has, in any relevance to anyone else here, is one very important lesson that I learned. I learned right away in that first weekend, that I had a chance to be with a vey wonderful, and very wounded person. If I wanted a relationship with her, I was going to have to be extremely patient, and sometimes I was going to have to feel pushed away. I also knew it wouldn't last forever. I just had to show her that someone just straight up cared about her.

Sometimes she was very rude. Sometimes she was straight up hurtful. The persona she had created to keep people (men, especially) at a distance, was very well crafted. I, of course, never let on that I saw through this persona to the really sweet and caring person at her core, because I couldn't rush that person from coming out into the open. So I let her be the aggressive one, which was normally my role. I put a lot of things I normally did on hold, and I think I learned how to be more patient than ever before.

Now, of course I wasn't perfect. I'm generalizing a lot of our relationship, and glossing over a lot of the parts that were influenced by alcohol use. But that initial patience, of me being able to wait for her to see I wasn't a creep, I wasn't going to hurt her, and that I straight up cared, I believe that got us to the point where she was able to stop pretending on being this super-strong tough chick, and just be who she is; a strong beautiful woman that doesn't have to try so hard to be seen that way. That it's okay sometimes to rely on someone else. And I think that got us to the point where she could start fighting her addiction and I could work on my codependency and enabling issues.

I know that a lot of what I said probably still comes off as rescuing or codependent still, and maybe to some degree that's true. But we both look back on who we were four years ago and we're so much happier that we've done what we've done together. She looks back on the person she was and wonders how I could see the person she is now was always somewhere in there. I tell her I'm an excellent judge of character, but that she really couldn't hide that well from me anyways.

I guess one of the main points that I'm trying to make, is that if I had been pushy, or overly aggressive, she never would have come out of her shell, and never would have tried healing herself. That there is always someone out there willing to deal with what people probably consider insane amounts of baggage. One of the best things we did was sit down that first weekend and just unload. Everything that you normally would try to hide from someone in the early part of a relationship. Everything that should scare someone off; we were straight up honest and forward about. I'm not sure if we intended on it working that way; we may have just been trying to one-up each other; but it worked in our favor.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Fishelle — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 16:27:55 -0800

The lesson is, next time a guy wants in your pants, tell him everything that is wrong with you. If he sticks around, he's not a creep.
Maybe. That's what I got from Government Spy's story, anyway.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

government spy — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 16:45:49 -0800

Or, then maybe you're both the same type of creeps? Hell, I dunno what my point was anyways. Sometimes I have to talk to affirm I'm still here.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 16:53:20 -0800

@Flecky - I am sorry to hear of your friend who threw herself from a building. I've known a number of people who'd attempted suicide, but the two that actually did so with success are they who leapt from buildings. One of which was a junky would couldn't beat it. It seems the most serious and final sort. No fucking around, there. No "cry for help" and no people leaping in at the last minute to save you. It's done done done. There is some comfort in that fact, I feel. They really meant it, and there was no chance that someone could have saved them, no ambulance in time to pump a stomach or something. It's what they wanted.

So, without the receptor blocker, the drug ingested is basically the same, but if you cheated, your body would actually be capable of getting high now? Like, the training wheels are taken off?

Hmmmph. Something I find odd in casual conversations I've taken part in at bars recently: I've known a number of junkies. (I dated ex-junkies, future junkies, and now have a handful of old friends who never used to be serious drug people and now have issues with opiates - the pharmaceutical companies flooding the medical system with pills has dragged a whole lot of people into junkydom as they seem to think that it's all fine and somehow not as dangerous because they got a bottle of capsules to cold extract instead of powder in a waxpaper baggie from some dude on a dangerous city corner, but that's another rant). It's strange to me when years after the fact, people will wear this on their sleeves as ... something to brag of? There is a difference. I know people who've gone through hell, who were at a bundle a day, who kicked in jail handcuffed naked to a floor covered in piss and shit while dogs were frothing at the bit, who lost loved ones, etc etc. There is a way that people infer that they KNOW what they are talking about, that they've seen shit, and they may even tell you some of these stories, but it's in a spirit of confession, without bleeding with bravado. Usually, they keep their mouths shut in public. Then... there's the ones that tell tales with a strange pride. It makes me wonder how much the tales are embelished. Because people who've been through REAL HELL don't ... chat about it that way. Don't use it as a conversational winning point during bar conversation, y'know? Street cred and all. It most amuses me when people tell me tales and I realize that I, a naive and sheltered lightweight, could best their stories with ease.

Yeah, I know my in-person demeanor is one of smiling blonde naivete, of childlike bounce and exhuberance, but really, it's not naivete. It's fucking stubborn willfullness. The world should NOT be a place where bad things happen to good people, where terrible people are rewarded, where nobody can be trusted, where everyone is in it for themeselves. That is too terrible a reality to live with. I know, realistically, that 98% of people are selfish and terrible. But I refuse to live my life that way. I cling. I cling to the fantasy. Because real life is awful. I will, by default, trust every human I meet until they give me a reason not to. As much as I can muster. Until I die.

In other matters: I had 80% of my tonsils removed lat year. What's left in my throat is currently enflamed and in great pain, and I'm hacking up bloody phlegm balls. I can only imagine how shitty I'd feel right now if they were all there, but still. I had planned to treat myself to an early birthday present and last hurrah of having money and buy myself tickets to see John Hurt in a Beckett play on Thursday, but I'm too sick. This sucks. I tried to do some low impact excersizing a week and a half ago, and my right hip still hurts when I walk. I'm out of painkillers except for tramadol (which makes me feel drugged, unlike vicodin or morphine) and weed (which just makes me not HATE my life, but doesn't really improve anything), and isn't great when you are coughing up red goo. I slept for 12 hours and missed all the daylight hours.

I am listening to this, and it's awesome: http://www.wfmu.org/playlists/shows/43018

Being sick with sickness is lonely as fuck. What I miss most about drugs is the company.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 16:59:03 -0800

@ governmentspy - I think you described the way most of my relationships have begun. Sadly, I opened up to the person who still didn't want to consider us "dating" after two years of sleeping together and telling each other our life story secrets of damage. Maybe I didn't wait long enough. Maybe I was too aggressive.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

trini_naenae — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:22:56 -0800

Wow. There's a lot of rough times going around. And now that I'm thinking about it, I haven't been hit on in a creepy way for a very long time. Well no, I did tell off a guyfriend online for overstepping boundaries. Thankful for the general lack of creepiness. Benefits of living in a small town and being a hermit? @Rachael: very platonic hugs, if you want them?

Um... there isn't much to say around here. In about a week or more I'm going to move into an apartment, whether it's in the not all that well kept up but totally affordable (and warm!) one or something better, I'll see. The co-worker who works my shift with me happened to call in like 5 Mondays in a row, and so she got let go, so I've got some solo hours until new people are hired. On the bright side, more hours, on the not so bright side, very very tired. Eh. Things are generally cool, and I'm going to accomplish the one goal I had for the year, so as far as I'm concerned, nothing to complain about.

I'm crossing my fingers for all the people who are having hard times.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

mister hex — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 18:18:44 -0800

This is why I don't bother with relationships anymore. The last few I had didn't go very well and it's honestly not worth the hassle. I never seem to get a look from the women I like and am attracted to and yet, I seem to attract women with damage or issues that want me to help them. Once I've done that, I'm surplus to requirements. It's happened more times than it hasn't so I don't bother anymore. It's almost sad but not really.

On the subject of creepiness ... I have a mate who has the libido of an angry young tyrannosaur. Conversations with him are almost exclusively about "hot chicks" and various forms of coitus (he's been brainwashed by pornography into believing that every woman craves anal sex with a Shakespearean kind of longing ... I've tried to explain to him that this is not the case. With absolutely no success. "She likes it in the ass" or "She NEEDS it in the ass" are his two favorite comments upon seeing an attractive woman.) He also labours under the delusion that every woman is attracted to HIM, specifically. He thinks it's cute and harmless, his creepy obsession with sex. I've tried to reason with him. With no success.

Me, I cross the road, rather than make a woman feel uncomfortable.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 19:37:44 -0800

Yeah,without the receptor blocker in the meds it would be possible for me to get "high" at the moment but buprenorphine also,paradoxically,works as a blocker as well.The thing is drugs no longer work for me.To be honest if they did i MAY still be using them.I guess it wouldn't have taken me this long to finally stop using them if i didn't love them.It's mad..nearly losing my life from blood poisoning,prison,violence,prostitution,homelessness,losing career,loved ones etc didn't make me want to stop.Something in my soul just cried out enough is enough earlier this year.

Junkies and there war stories.They can use them to try and "impress" people for their own ends.This i know because i used to do it when younger and i got off on the image of being a lank haired tortured street addict that was "wild at heart" and sadly it did seem to appeal to some people.I had a lot of mates that thought it was cool.I was like some token junky back in the squatting days in London in the late eighties and nineties.And unfortunately it may have influenced some younger people who are either clean now or dead.

Nowadays i just try and be totally honest about myself and instead try and tell people that are using that it will end badly but i know what it was like when i was younger.No matter what anyone said..if i wanted to get wrecked nothing would really put me off.I've been in this game for over thirty years.I got sorted out for a few years in my twenties and had a great life but drinking heavy set me down the path to going back to the other substances.I cannot get pissed like "normal" folk.The buzz isn't enough for me and next thing i know i'm taking anything in site or on the phone or street hunting down dealers.Like most of London where i live is flooded with crack and heroin.If there is a will there is a way.

Shit..getting a bit serious here.I don't reckon i'm going to get much sleep as i'm really feeling the drop in meds.I have to keep in mind that it's only been about nine weeks since coming off the evil methadone.That crap is really foul and as i've said here before it is no answer for addiction.All it does is numb life.

Jigsaw made a good point in the Saw films.Methadone is just a masking agent.Still,his therapy for getting clean and staying off is a bit extreme.Even for this "hard northern english bastard detoxing addict".

Torture-delia and twatatonia.More hippy shit herbal tea for this twisted test subject.

Hell aye.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

MrMonk — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 20:33:38 -0800

@flecky

Sorry to hear about your friend. Hope that you're taking it well. I've never known anyone who really gets hardened against friends or acquaintances taking their lives or losing them stupidly.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rootfireember — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 21:15:56 -0800

@rachael-
If we are ever in the same area will you have coffee with me?

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 22:03:22 -0800

@Rootfireember -

I will indeed. Well, tea probably. :)

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Purple Wyrm — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 22:26:01 -0800

Ah the creepiness factor. I've always been atrocious at reading social signals and either emit none at all, or screwed up, confusing or inappropriate ones. I'm always worried about being the creepy guy - not through having creepy intentions, but just by not knowing what the hell I'm doing and not being able to pick up on any feedback. I gave up trying for relationships or sex years ago, which isn't a fantastic way to live your life, but - on a global scale of shittiness - isn't a terrible one either. Hell, I have clean water, a job and socialised healthcare, I'm doing pretty well by world standards.

Sure, it can get tough in the long watches of the night, blah blah blah, but I'm still here and I'm still alive - screw you universe! :)

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rachæl Tyrell — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 22:27:34 -0800

BWA HA HA HA! Oh man. I mean no offense, but just reading through this thread, I said aloud: "god, what a cheery lot we are." and burst out laughing. (mostly at myself)

Christ. I just got these images of an Adams Family looking drink up, with all of us standing awkwardly around a room with mugs of weak tea, looking at each other uncomfortably, hardly talking to each other, except those of us in a corner excitedly comparing pill bottles and scars.

HA ha ha ha... oh man.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rootfireember — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 22:33:59 -0800

@rachael
That's really funny. :)
Although I imagine we'd all have our phones or whatever's out a d be texting each other instead of actually talking!

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Purple Wyrm — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 23:23:36 -0800

@Rachael - yeah, pretty much sounds like my Saturday nights :)

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 01:28:50 -0800

@Rachael: That is some funny shit.All of us in a room drinking tea,checking each other out.Confined for days til we start bickering and screaming about weird crap and breaking into splinter groups.Then some strange people from the military would come in and start dragging individuals away while the rest of us would be shouting "Why have you brought us here?What the fuck is going on?We have rights you fuckers!"

After a few days of tests and probing only a few of us would be left.The most weird,crazy,hyperactive,silly,intelligent,angry,fucked up etc.At the point of insanity a git in a wheelchair with a beard would come in.

Thus is born the all new Doom Patrol.And finally the bad guys in the world would shit themselves.We probably wouldn't last long but i dare say we would leave this fucked up world just a tiny bit better.

Sod it.I'm going to start making my crappy outfit today.Rubber knickers,a bin bag for a top,stockings,converse baseball boots,a naff Grendel mask and a paper xmas cracker hat.Going to get my team of hideous crack sex dwarves in weapons division to build all sorts of cool shit into my walking stick whilst i build chimp shit grenades.See if i can get a motorised skateboard on the the net.

You lot think i'm joking ?..Check out the news later.London will be burning.And i will be in the police shop laughing my head off.

Bail me out as i'm a bit skint at the moment.

Ta kindly oh Whitechapel.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Comicbookbunny — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 06:26:11 -0800

Getting all of us in one place would be awesome! I think everyone would cheer each other up to no end :D
The lot of us have a lot in common. And most of you remind me of my friends (the one's out of the interwebs ;)
And meeting everyone would give me a chance to hug each and every one of you, cause i'm like that.

Mostly I'm a pretty private person with my personal life. Tho currently trying to focus on my three jobs (as a wonderful distraction and I love doing them). Things in the relationship department are making me want to scream, cry, and throw everything in the house just to hear something else break.

I empathize quite a lot with goverment spy, tho i have to say your patience seems limitless. <3

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

government spy — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 07:02:32 -0800

Oh, but I'm also a total nutjob.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Comicbookbunny — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 07:10:37 -0800

everyone is crazy- it is just a matter of finding someone else your crazy is compatible with

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 07:29:26 -0800

I've found a few who my crazy has been compatible with and one ended up burning her house down.

Currently got a thing going with a nutter.She's ok but our mind-clash is berzerk.Yet fun.

Nutjobs are fun.

@MrMonk:Cheers mate.I'm still a bit in shock from it..but ok.Ta.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Lee Edward — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 09:33:52 -0800

I'm tiredof taking meds to regulate bipolar disorder (yes, it gets lower case today). I'm sick of taking meds that don't work or lose their effectiveness. I'm tired of meds that promote weight gain as as ide effect. I'm five' six" and weight 200 lbs, and I assure you, it's not all muscle. I'm tired of having to take sleep aid medication because the meds I'm currently on for bd, while not increasing my weight, do nothing for sleep, which the other drugs I've takne used to do. I miss when sleeping four hours a night was normal to me and I didn't feel sluggish and messed up pclimbing out of bed at 4 AM (or whenever; I used to be a night owl, too). I'm completely burned out on social media as a means of promoting myself, because it doesn't seem to have done a damned thing for promoting my books, art or music. And I'm really tired of trying to edit my novels for ebook sales, even though I've only made three sales in three months, and know the buyers personally.

Hmmn. I thought venting would make me feel better. *sigh* Thanks anyway.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rootfireember — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 13:18:23 -0800

@lee
Not bipolar, but I do get sick of taking pills all the damn time and waiting for them to stop working before the game of try a pill starts again. I wish they came in gummy or candy form. Something to make them less depressing. Side effects are a pain in the ass.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Jay Kay — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 14:49:06 -0800

So I quit the Amazon job. I tried my best for three weeks, waking up at ungodly hours and nearly wore my feet to nubs in my effort, and I just found myself to be more and more depressed and not making their rate expectations, and I felt like I was inches away from being fired anyway. I hated doing it, but since then I've been feeling better and started to actually recover (though I can't really do anything more than a mild walk without limping). It did give me a few weeks of a steady paycheck, which I used to pay off a debt I had with my college and will be used for the holidays, so it wasn't all bad.

In the meantime, I've figured out what I'm going to do college-wise, and I think I have an in for another job. It's Starbucks as a barista, which will probably not be all that fun either, but hopefully the hours will be more reasonable and not as extremely physically demanding as Amazon.

As for the discussion about creepy guys--man, I so often feel like I'm the creepy guy. I mean, I don't feel all that attractive, and I'm more than a little awkward around other people. I'm trying to fix that, but I just can't ever seem to shake it.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

mister hex — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 22:39:51 -0800

@ everyone who thinks we should get together (and that I'll drink fucking tea if we all do) - the Toronto Chapter of Our Esteemed Thing has gotten together with some rgularity, much hilarity and a lot of "God Only Knows What Happened". The last time we got together ended .... somewhat strangely and I got a $235 ticket for calling a transit employee (and I quote) "utterly fucking useless." You get less for MURDER. At least Robin didn't punch me, although I think she might want to. (For some unknown reason. MOVING ON!)

@jay - Amazon sucks. You're well-rid, trust me.

@ the creepiness discussion - alls y'all realize dudes on Whitechapel, while .... um ..."eccentric" ... are not the usual creepy frat-boy date-rapist I-don't-care-where-your-eyes-are, I'm-busy-staring-at-your-tits kinda fellas, right?

@ Lee - at least you made some sales! Buck up, cheero! Or something. I'm not good at condolensces.

Anyone ever see a movie called MYSTERIOUS SKIN? That's some fucked-up shit right there, yo.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Greasemonkey — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 23:36:41 -0800

Last time we got together, I recall getting busted for sneaking beer into the bar where we were drinking. I think I was trying to get random women to hook up with Mr Hex, too.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

flecky — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 23:57:17 -0800

Good day all.

MYSTERIOUS SKIN? I like fooked up stuff so i will add that to my mental mind list of things to make "reality" even more weird.The weirder the better for this jaded space assassin.

I woke a few hours back from the big sleep.Super surreal excursions into Dreamville Brainston left me all greasy and lying in me pit looking at the walls phase in and out of a two dimensional visual blur.My senses are really heightened at the moment which tends to make to make the flesh world smell pretty rank.Pity i'm in the big bad city of Londonia as i got to assault the tube network system in a bit and i bet i will be able to smell the guilt oozing out the skin of the crap ones.The shitty people.Soul dead fucktrons obsessed with the money and the car and the big television and their clothes and their poxy haircuts etc etc. The older i get the more i think that stuff really counts for nothing in the grand scheme of things.It's quite a nice feeling so that's something positive to think about as i prepare for the big rave at the edge of time.

@ the creep thing:My way of hopefully not being perceived as one of them awful manifestations of the human condition is to speak my mind as much as possible even if people don't like the scary bastard i'm often told i am.It can be hard lonely work but it does tend to keep the sick ones at arms length.And because i try to be a feminist bloke i can see it in both men and women.It's a good word,creep.It sort of comes to mind organically when i make a judgement call on some other ego that tries to impose itself on my space.I'd rather feel a bit lonely and have just a few ok friends etc than make the easy mistake of trying to fit in with groups of people etc.Still,it can be easier said than done when i have to do my voluntary work,groups and meetings.I intend to go back to school soon so that should be a bit of a challenge.

Think i might watch a Coffin Joe film to set me up for a perverted mindframe to take on a grey,cold sunday.

Surfs up motherfuckers!

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

trini_naenae — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 23:57:21 -0800

I am so jealous of the people who get to go to the Toronto meetups. And the fact that while Toronto is in Canada, it's still not as far north as where I live. Bah!

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rootfireember — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 00:28:42 -0800

@ trini- tired of winter can it end now?
/hates northern winters.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

mojokingbee — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 04:31:53 -0800

Let's see...had the staff Chrissie party, my first drink & draw meet-up and another chrissie party at community radio I volunteer in and....I totally suck at conversation and being social....sigh, I'm so doomed....maybe I should try drinking a little in these shindigs...on a good note, drew a lot and did some sweet chrissie cards so I suppose it balances out, I guess.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Labyrinthine — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 06:07:27 -0800

I think getting a bit paranoid about coming off as a creep is probably the best sign that you're not too creepy, huh? like madness. I worry about it, too, but as a female under the age of thirty I'm in that zone where it's outside of the social template for people to perceive me as sexually creepy. Which means, one one hand I have more benefit of the doubt space to flail at people awkwardly, but on the other hand, if I do something objectively creepy people might not tell me :(

today I have been feeling panicky for no reason, which is always my favourite. every time this happens I start going back over the not going on meds decision. am I really functional enough to fail that cost/benefit analysis or was I faking it really well? is there a difference? am I missing out on some soaring heights of sanity because I've felt like this for so long that it seems normal, or is this actually normal? it's a pity you can't test-drive that shit, or peek into alternate universes.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Pooka — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 06:31:40 -0800

having to reinvent my relationship with my dj. interesting layers of interpersonal interactions have made our current relationship...strange...friendship/ex fwb/business partner/occasional "guy on the couch"...we're back to goofing off and pestering each other like a couple of kids...but I can't add in that whole sexual teasing that I had so much fun with before, now it's just to pester each other. Still...after this whole drama bullshit we went through, while I'm still attracted to him in some ways, I've seen his bad side, and am very familiar with some of his less appealing traits. So...i'm all conflicted and strange on the inside right now...not exactly sure how to feel or how to act, but i'm a hell of a lot more gaurded now.

got the ebay stuff straightened out but i still don't know when they'll release my money...it's poop. my ebay/paypal guy had no idea what he was doing and got confused...trying to fix it...but broke for now.... i still don't even have a christmas tree....

Losing myself to skyrim a bit. Keeping control...only playing four or five hour sessions every few days...
also working on some roleplaying art...maps and character drawings...we've decided to play a campaign in the fantasy/superhero world i've been slowly working on for...jeeze..fourteen years...my dj is going to invade and wage war on my world, and me and a few other players are going to try to stop him (I'm actually playing two or three characters, one of which is a traitorous bastard who is on his side). he's modeling his character after one of the Plainswalkers from Magic: The Gathering.
it's going to be interesting. We planned to start our game after the first big snow of the year, so I've got to get my shit together and get these maps made.

my hands are killing me from all this activity, videogames and drawing and typing and the like...but i've been forcing myself to use them anyway. I decided that i have to do something with all this creative energy that's broiling about in me.

my hearts been doing funny fluttery things. It's always done that since I was a kid, and doctors weren't that concerned...it might be related to my particular type of arthritis (which attacks the organs too). So though I'm not terribly worried, I've been thinking about my mortality and, well, I guess my legacy, what I'm going to leave behind...thing is, my grandmother was a brilliant folk artist. She's sold painting all over KY and one of them is in the capital building (also won the contest that created the poison warning "mr. Yuck"..yep. My grandma invented him hehehe)
Back when I was a teenager, their hand built log cabin caught fire (My grandfather was a book collector. A crack in their coal stove's chimney allowed a spark into his book room, and..well, there went the cabin....what's more, he was a gun collector, with thousands of rounds of ammo. As painful as it was,I kind of wish I had been there at the time to hear it). She got out, but all her art was destroyed. Now I'm left with nothing of hers but her ring and rosary. I'm going to contact someone at the capital to see if they still have her painting and if I can get it from them.....anyway...yes. i want to leave something behind, so I've decided to force myself to create some art. I want to be remembered for that....as soon as I can get what I've done recently scanned I'll post some pics...woot...

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

phill_sea — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 11:48:01 -0800

I CANNNNNNNNNNT DO THIS ALLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE.

I got married so I wouldn't haaaaaaave to.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this lack of actual communication.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Pooka — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 11:59:12 -0800

also...if you read my above post and were like" what the hell is she talking about being broke. she has skyrim!"...but noooo....got a tweaked system as a present and a bunch of games...woot. just sold all my actual games for cash...sigh.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

JP Carpenter — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 13:27:47 -0800

Partner went to see her father earlier, still in intensive care.

I understand the conversation went something like:
"Come here, there's something I have to tell you. They're all trying to kill me. The medicine - it's Chinese. They're shipping it in through Portsmouth. I'll not last the week unless you get me out. It's a conspiracy, this isn't a real hospital. They've wheeled two out already today. Go and tell the police, but be careful, they'll be watching you and following you when you leave."

Doesn't bode well, really...

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

dorkmuffin — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 15:18:58 -0800

@Phill_Sea, whatever it is, I'm sorry :-/

Hang in there. (That goes for the rest of you too)

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

Rootfireember — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:24:29 -0800

@ jP - painkillers can make parents say....strange things.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

allana — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 19:14:12 -0800

Got home around six and passed out for a few hours... Now I'm up and achy and fuzzy-headed. Birthday celebrations were pretty satisfying. Friday night, the day of, was spent alone with red wine and some well-wishing phone calls. Saturday was dinner, wrestling, late-night milkshakes, and an attempt at some dancing. If I can find time while frantically cramming for my exam tomorrow, I'll document the bruises. My knee does seem to be fucked, but as I don't plan on leaving my bed for the next 24 hours, I think it'll be alright.

I've decided next time I grapple it's gonna be sexy grappling. I'll bring extra belts or bondage tape or something, and allow myself to risk being stripped naked in public. I met a nice girl who wanted to talk about what it's like to have buttons sutured to your skin, so that was fun (although it devolved, as all girl-talk does, into body hair removal stories). Having a nice trip down memory lane, back when I actually made myself bleed for art. Since I'm making these friends anyways, I may as well see if the rope-bondage people are cool with me throwing a few hooks and bleeding a bit. Been too long!

(Also, I want to take my camera out. We brought a couple that grappled for the first time, and I really wish I had a souvenir photo or two to offer them.)

In other news, my job still sucks and I'm still looking for a new apartment. Just got turned down for the one I really wanted. May stop mentioning that I'm trying to find a place for two people. Then again, my potential roommate is probably going to cancel out on me, so whatever.

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

oldhat — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 20:19:01 -0800

Gah! It was your Birthday on Friday?!

Happy belated!

OPEN MIC - the Spleen Venting Thread (Dec 3rd-9th)

razrangel — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 23:24:11 -0800

I just want to whine about being fortunate/privileged/selfish for a minute. Then I'll recommence smacking myself for being lucky enough to have this problem.

I'm super strapped for cash. I hope the cash I have left in the bank will cover all of my bills but I have nothing left over for gas to put in the truck or anything incidental. Absolutely nothing for Christmas for anyone.

My mom said I could help her out at her classroom this coming week; she'll pay me for my time/effort. She will absolutely expect that cash to go toward Christmas presents. Not for gasoline to get to Christmas parties. Not for classes next month. Not for saving toward career aids like subscription to an industry networking site.

I'm being really selfish and awful this year, and I know it. I don't feel good about it. Wallowing in being skint or hording what pennies I can earn are my options. They're crappy options and yet I'm lucky to have them. I know it could be far, far worse.

Please, God, I just want to be as good to my family as they've been to me, if not better.

/whining