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  1.  (10381.41)
    In my opnion, when you ask someone any form of request, you have to consider the possibility of "no" as an answer. If you refuse to accept "no," then you're no longer in the area of requesting; you're demanding. If a person cannot understand that, I cannot deal with them; they are unreasonable and irrational, and there's no point trying to have any sort of conversation with them, because they do not see others as equals.
  2.  (10381.42)
    I guess I don't consider most people reasonable or safe to be around. At the end of the day it seems like 99% of people don't give a damn, or are trying to get something from you. I've given up on relationships, on having people around in real life who could understand. It's a pipe dream, a fantasy.

    I don't know if things will get better, ever. Seems like damn near everything is fucked up- climate, economy, etc. beyond the point of repair that anything of my existence is rather beyond the point. I'm starting to feel more myself as the meds kick in... But the depression is still there, and lurking, and I'm tired of messing with medications for now. Sometimes I feel okay. I think I've felt good sometimes, too. But the depression is still there and it's hard to go back to a doctor when it feels like he's given up on you because the pills aren't working like they should.

    I guess at the end of the day, I can't trust most people, and I've lost the knack for jumping from acquaintance to friend, and for the most part I'm too terrified of crap getting taken away from me or the good old bait n switch to really just go for my dreams. It makes for a lonely, scary life. I keep trying to hold onto hope and it just feels so slippery and unreliable, even on a good day. Family going from supportive to no supportive and back again, along with a recent family death (no condolences needed.i wasn't close, but it has brought up fam. Drama as the relatives react. Thank god I'm under their radar for now as CrazyArtGirl) just....

    A rough week.

    On one hand my meds have started to kick in. On the other hand all my mental crud is still there, it's just...quieter?

    I just wish I had people,around I could talk to or just grab a mocha with.
    People who could look beyond my family and my history and see me as more than someone they can try to manipulate or as a scary crazy person. But there aren't people around here like that. I need to let that go. Hole up for the winter, dig in, and just wait for summer to come, keep my mouth shut...and write unti something worth reading comes out.
  3.  (10381.43)
    I just wish I had people,around I could talk to or just grab a mocha with.
    People who could look beyond my family and my history and see me as more than someone they can try to manipulate or as a scary crazy person. But there aren't people around here like that. I need to let that go. Hole up for the winter, dig in, and just wait for summer to come, keep my mouth shut...and write unti something worth reading comes out.

    Amen, sister. Amen.

    @govenmentspy - I think... I think that what's most bothersome, most frustrating about being a female in these situations is that there isn't anything asked. There is no question. It's assumed. It's assumed that the kind of forward talk, the casual touching, the physical dominance, is acceptable and comfortable. It's the kind of thing that MOST straight men would punch a guy out for if they were treated in the same manner.

    DEAR MEN: The way to NOT be a creep is to simply turn the tables and imagine if you were being hit on by a large fellow. What would be complimentary? what would skeeve you the fuck out, or make you feel uncomfortable? THAT is the line, right there. Simple answer.
  4.  (10381.44)
    Yeah the problem is the guys who most need that advice are the guys who'd freak the fuck out if a dude hit on them even in the nicest way.

    I think I'm pretty lucky with my social circle, it's mostly composed of decent non-creepy people. There are still a few weird assumptions people make, but for the most part you can trust people being attracted to you to stay in the background when not-gonna-happen signals are sent. Funny thing is, when the one guy who gets a bit handsy while drunk groped me, another man who was there was significantly more upset than I was. And me, I'm not really creeped out by anything short of a person trying to limit my mobility - if I'm free to lean back or walk away, any kind of inappropriate behaviour is annoying but safe. Grab me to stop me from moving and unless we're really good friends it's kind of another story. Anyway, the ironic thing was that the guy who was so angry about my getting groped as to hold a grudge against the other guy a year later had restricted my movement more than McHandsy over there, he just hadn't done it in a sexual context - grabbed my wrist to stop me getting up off the couch because I hadn't said goodbye. For me, no matter how much you try to situate yourself in opposition to creeps by overtly hating them, that sort of thing just does not speak well to your understanding of boundaries.
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    Ted: Just Say No to the black widow. I speak from experience.

    Exhausted right now. Naturally, despite trying to save the next three days for studying for my Japanese final they're being sucked up by people who figure I'm unemployed, I'm made of time - their time. Despite the fact that it's the 21st century and I can scan a document at home and send it electronically anywhere in the world, I still have to take my proof of completed community service to the court in downtown LA. It's due Monday but I have my final then so I ought to take it tomorrow. Mentioned that to my mom - by way of complaining that I can't get right on my studying - and she asked a "while you're out" favor that involves working on a washing machine and talking to people I don't know. Saturday is my best friend's choir recital of Handel's Messiah, which she's been excited about since late summer. I've been committed to going since then I'll go. Sunday I may participate in a staged reading of a play, maybe. I'm sketchy about it because I really, really ought to hit the books. But the director needs people and I could use the showing off time. Oh and babysitting the niece.

    Fuck I'm tired. It's been a crazy week of trying to get past the community service and get prepped for my Japanese presentation and feeling inferior because I don't know how to use PowerPoint and then getting to walk away feeling like mine may have been one of the better presentations and also taking care of my dad whose kidneys are shot and taking care of my niece who is bright but hates working on anything that takes more than a few minutes of effort and... I'm rather sleepy. There was improv class tonight and it was fun except I missed the first half hour due to being an absolute dope and getting horribly lost when I've been there over a dozen times already!

    To creep or not to: Sometimes I wonder if it might not help if girls understood that guys - the average guy, not supercreepy and not, you know, Cary Grant - really, truly can't tell the difference between a gritted tooth "please leave me alone" and a giggly "oh stop!" But... that's really for the average guy. The creep will A. ignore what a girl puts out there and paint over it with what he wants to see and B. use a girl's social conditioning against her.

    Eh. I've just known so many guys (again, the regular guys) who really can't tell when a girl is distracted vs aggravated or who think she's being nice when she's actually into him...I feel for them a little. Then again being a pretty girl gets guys coming in like moths to a flame. And there's something about the creeps who can always tell if the pretty girl will be susceptible to an arm around her shoulders, close quarters, etc. They seem to always be able to tell when a girl can get pushed around. (I say this without boasting; I'm not a girl like this. I know I give off "touch me and die" vibes. Which is annoying because it's not what I'm usually thinking.)

    I dunno. Guys need to police themselves. Seriously. Might help if girls are as clear as bells, but it just doesn't always. Sorry you've had such long, miserable slog, Rachael.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    @ All:Good food for thought.This debate about creeps,boundaries etc is educational.

    Shit.I got to go to a NA meeting over the road and wage war on God yet again.

    It's what my sponsor was kicked out of heaven for.

    Ha fooking Ha..
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    @Rachael, because of this topic I had a dream last night where two guys were obstinately hitting on a woman near me. Their advances were clearly unwanted, so I gave them a piece of my mind. The piece that controls my fists.

    It was a good dream.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    @Rachæl Tyrell I can relate hun... most of the male friends I make have hopes to get into my pants one day, and when it starts looking like they won't make it, they're whole attitude towards me changes, and they drift away. It upset me so much in the past that I spent two years not giving a shit about how I looked. Quit cutting my hair, quit with makeup, quit my cute clothes...just didn't give a shit....then I got really lonely again because it seemed like no one wanted to be around me at all if I wasn't eye candy. Reaaaal big ego buster there...makes you feel like you can't trust kindness from anyone...
    I probably don't help my situation though because every couple years i meet some cute guy or chick that's interested in me for friendship and debauchery...but usually the debauchery turns sour because they either ask for too much or give me too little in one department or another...or they do something to piss my husband off, then of course, the friendship dissolves too, and I sit there regretting my damned libido.
    I think I might have gotten lucky with my dj though. even though our physical relationship is over, he's still sticking around, even after all the fights we've had. I kind of appreciate that. He's the first dude I've remained friends with after things went to hell. Maybe it's just because he's friends with my husband too that he's making an effort to stay buddies with me, but i guess I still appreciate the effort. is rolling along, both good and bad...
    Paypal started a new policy that holds your money for up to three weeks (or until your buyer contacts them and releases the money). It's bullshit. Most buyers won't take the time and effort to send the confirmation...and paypal started this policy in december, when folks NEEEEED their money. So I'm sitting here at the beginning of the fucking month broke as can be, but I have over five hundred bucks sitting in my paypal account. i've still got to buy my kids christmas presents. I don't have a tree, and i've got bills coming due in a few's so fucking aggravating.
    Good news though. I finally got my venue. Al's Bar and Grill of Lexington has agreed to host my show. We haven't set an exact date yet, but I'm going to try to schedule it on the first or second weekend of March. This show is going to kick ass. I sent my initial invite out to my eleven favorite boys and I've gotten an attendance confirmation from the wonderful Billy Tackett (most awesome local artist who makes part of his money zombiefying pop culture icons, illustrating comics and book covers and all sorts of wonderful things.), Billy Boyd (one of my buddies, who frequently participates in a lot of local art projects, and is also an actor in the webshow Breakfast Impossible), and Stevie Moore (another absolutely talented artist I've recently started working with out here in the central KY area).
    If my other boys are free we'll have Scottie Watson (Dead Reckoning and artist for Talon, also...a kick ass tattoo artist who works for Red Beard tattoos I believe), mr. RD Hall (writer for American Wasteland and Heroes...he's now working for NBC yay RD!), Mark Kidwell (Also on American Wasteland and currently working on 68, and a number of other awesome horror comics)...i want to go out putting my friends and business associates names out there, but i don't want to list anyone else until I get confirmation (just started sending out limited invites a couple days ago)'s going to be a kick ass show. i've finally got a project to work on! I hope that if any of you are within driving distance, that you'll come out and see us. You won't be disapointed. I'll have my dj rocking us out for the majority of the show and then we'll be ending with a live band...did I mention it's in a there will be much alcohol...and aaaaaaaaannnnnd... they have the best damned organic/locally grown and raised food stuffs. Also, depending on if we decide to include our film production companies, we may have the crew from Girl/Girl Scene (a really great lesbian drama series written by and starring Tuckey Williams, and directed by an extremely talented directer by the name of Eric Butts), Catnippery, Cineline, maybe some Squirrely Cow, Big Biting Pig, Tim Ritter, and a number of other local film folks. Woot!
    If your an artist and want to try to make some cash with us, let me know. We'll have spaces for you to sell your prints/original art. We'll also holding live art sessions with a auctioneer working on selling your art while you draw/paint. :) Also if you're an artist and want to donate some artwork to our charity (American Cancer Society, specifically for this show, my dj insists we donate to Prostate Cancer....probably because one of his legacies as an actor is a giant penis monster) if you email me I'll send you my address. I'll also send you a receipt after the auction, for your records. It should be a lot of fun for everyone involved :). I'm hoping I can get some of the big names out here in ky to come around. If anyone knows Tony Moore, I'd appreciate the help in convincing him to come out to the show :P
    yeah, so once I get things locked down I'll make an actual official announcement somewhere appropriate on the board, but for now I'm just kinda laying stuff out until I can get a definite date locked down....i'm just waiting for the bar to reply....oh dear lord i hope this doesn't take two months like last time....

    oh..also...started drawing again....once i finish my lizard man...i'm gonna go get it and my Shockwave painting scanned so I can get some prints and show them off. We finally found out where Botcon (transformers convention) is going to be and when so we've got to start preparing. We're going as vendors this year and I'm going to be selling my prints along with comics comics and toys. It should be a blast, but i'm kinda pissed they had it in Dallas Texas...I don't like texas...lived there for two years when I was little...the roaches are my mortal enemy...
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    Another mixing gig. Four bands. Showtime in two hours. No bands here yet, no gear on stage.

    No problem!
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    I think that what's most bothersome, most frustrating about being a female in these situations is that there isn't anything asked.

    I once heard a woman say that the sexiest thing a man can do is ask. Now, I don't know that it's the sexiest thing, but it is very nice. And not just for sexual things, just for anything physical, because it shows respect for others' boundaries. That said, I think this applies to everyone, not just males. Whomever is the one being forward - just ask.

    @Roo - SO MANY HUGS! I hope it gets better, sorry people aren't being supportive :(
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    Getting rid of the guys who don't take no for an answer is pretty annoying as well. Generally I can get them to slink away, but my rule is after three polite requests to back off and they still persist, I get aggressive and tell them to fuck off. If they still follow me around I do the same but get louder (and clearly explaining the situation so passerbys can hear that I may need help) so more people around me can hear (at this point someone usually comes and asks if there's a problem and the person is so nervous that they walk away). There have been two or three moments where I've had to walk in to a bar or store, or hailed a cab just to get away, but nothing so bad to reach the final "go away" in which I hit them until they fall down. Most of the creeps have taken a hint once I show some sign of anger. My height and angry-face is good at telling a person that they will not have an easy time getting the better of me.

    Any poorly worded advice I can give is probably in the area of: go in completely expecting a friendship. Before any kind of romantic interest forms there should ALWAYS be an interest in the person first and I believe that always a good way to start a friendship (by being interested in a person in a platonic way). Go in wanting to actually get to know them rather than wanting to be in a relationship with them. If something forms from it, great! If nothing comes of it, great! You still have an awesome friend! I hope I worded that right...
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011 edited
    Anyways, I guess with me...

    Work is frustrating me a lot, lately. Primarily it has to do with people in charge of the internet end of management who still consider Twitter a "craze" and have to be explained how fucking Wikipedia works. It will always frustrate me that people who are put in charge of something and it is THEIR FUCKING JOB to know this stuff just have complete ignorance over it all and rely on people like me, who are younger and get paid SIGNIFICANTLY LESS, to tell them what it is and why it's a good thing so they can parrot all of it to clients. Then they get the pat on the back and I'm back to writing press releases without any acknowledgement. It pisses me off. A LOT.

    And the other thing...and this is something he knows about so I don't feel bad talking on it here is...I really really adore Alan. I could barely separate myself from him when he was here. Inside I'm feeling amazing and wonderful and like some little girl who frolics around the place...but the lessons learned and habits formed from the last relationship (where I openly expressed those things and got torn down to nothing) is preventing me from expressing it in the way I want and causing me to, for the most part, keep the walls up. I hate that. I hate hate HATE that I've met a really wonderful guy who is crazy for me, and I for him, and I can't fucking express that properly. Thank god he's understanding and I'm making an effort to bring down those walls...but it's frustrating to feel that it has to be done.
    • CommentAuthorMrMonk
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    Sick feeling, very sick. Client asked to review a document and its gone from the system. Gone. Daily back-up corrupted. Twenty hours revising it, auto-save every 20 minutes. Gone. Legal penalties if not complete and registered on Tuesday. Sick, very sick.
  5.  (10381.54)
    DEAR MEN: The way to NOT be a creep is to simply turn the tables and imagine if you were being hit on by a large fellow. What would be complimentary? what would skeeve you the fuck out, or make you feel uncomfortable? THAT is the line, right there. Simple answer.

    Yeah. That. I've been hit on by large aggressive scary ladies, and drunk creepy men in the past (and once, a gang of about six girls in a park who thought it was funny to grope me and threaten 'female rape'), and neither was particularly pleasant. Don't get why people do that, why would you want to creep someone out or make them uncomfortable? Why would you be so bloody thick skinned as not to notice someone's discomfort? Sorry that anyone has to go through that.

    But have always been one to try and stay well clear from other people's boundaries as I really don't like people coming near mine - I'm not touchy/feely at all, current partner had to write her number on my business card and say 'call me soon' before I figured out she wasn't just being 'nice'.

    @Roo - NETHUGS, sorry things are still rough - at least the meds are kicking in, and if they make things quieter, that's more space to deal with the crud? Hope you can find some real support.
  6.  (10381.55)
    Wow, a lot has gone on.

    @Rachael/Root/every lovely lady on the planet - On behalf of my gender... sorry for all assholes. We really aren't all like that.

    For my part, I'm the guy who continually get's the "I just see you as a friend" (see recent heartbreak) and I'm pretty sure some of that is my lack of aggression. I tend to have space issues and don't like people touching me. Unless you're someone I'm comfortable with. So, I tend to err on the side of respecting other people's boundaries. Plus, I have to live with myself, so I don't want to do anything I wouldn't respect if someone else did.

    @Ted - I agree with everyone who says to avoid this lady. At least without a serious sit down about the past stuff. And even that isn't worth stepping into unless you're really into her. If not, let her know you only want to be friends. Be firm and clear. If she really wants to be friends, she'll deal. If not... bullet dodged.

    @Oldhat - Don't force things. Anyone who follows the two of you on twitter can tell you kids are crazy. Um... for each other? Let those walls come down in their own time. If you and AB are meant to be, you'll be better off for not crossing any lines that at some level you may not yet be ready to cross.

    Me? The fact that I want to is proof enough that I shouldn't. I've started talking to a couple of new ladies over the internet. No idea if there's anything there, but at least it's another step down the road away from heartbreak.
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    guess who almost cleaved his achilles tendon with a load of boxes
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    The new gig is stressing me out.
    I've never done this type of work before (systems analysis) and I feel like what I imagine flunking out of school feels like.
    I think the biggest issue is that the people I'm trying to write documentation for were expecting someone with experience and the person who hired me overestimated my skills or ability to learn quickly. I know he thinks I'm a good person and I have a good reputation in the company that we both worked for a bunch of years ago, but maybe his expectations are too high. Have I finally fulfilled the Paul Principle?
    I'm stressed out of my head and for the first time in a long time, my job is affecting me outside of work. I'm barely sleeping and having what seem like mini panic attacks about what will happen if I can't make this job work. Jobs in Oregon aren't particularly plentiful. My brain is already planning escape routes. This is a Bad Sign.

    Thanks for letting me vent. Back to it, then.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011 edited
    This is going to be hard.Posting this one.Today is truly vile and this time not within the confines of my own crazy mind.Well, some of it is so here goes..

    DETOX UPDATE:In my infinite wisdom i decided to change the opioid meds from Suboxone to Subutex this morning and do a 25 percent reduction.Subutex is basically the same narcotic,buprenorphine,but it doesn't have the receptor blocker naloxone in it.

    I woke sick but it was bearable.Usual withdrawal symptoms so i just thought get on with it.I was watching jap horror,drinking a coffee and smoking tobacco.I crossed the road quite happy in my madness and went into a NA meeting.It was then that the world went twisted on me.A cramped room full of clean addicts in a back room of a church.Being on auto pilot i ended up sitting bang in the middle of them on a hard seat with a wonky crucifix in front of me.Crucifix's on bloody chairs.My arch nemesis was sat in a chair in front of me and i started to get ill.The steps were on a foul faded piece of poster paper on the wall with step 3(God) and 11(God) beaming down on me.It's a spiritual programme,not religious,which i quite like.Yet i felt (felt being the important word as my feelings are all over the place) that i was in a christian cult.I did a psycho share and said i felt like i was that little bastard Damien from the original Omen film..the bit when Gregory Peck is taking him to a church and the little git starts crying and a wailing. My skin was crawling and the it wasn't a good thing.Bit funny though.

    Ok.That was/is my pain but when i went for hot chocolate with a good lady mate the outside world of addiction reared it's ugly head.She told me about a friendly,nice woman i knew from meetings who had gotten clean but had been relapsing of late.Last time i saw her was about 2 weeks ago and we had our usual ok chat.Shit,it only got so bad for her that she went and threw herself from a high rise block in Shepherds Bush and hit the busy street dead.Tragic yet true.And the other awful thing was it involved a creep predator male who had been using her for his own sick agenda.I'm not sure i know him but every instinct tells me i want him dead.My head hurts thinking about it and i find it strangely ironic that human behaviour around relationships etc has been under discussion here.

    Also it has been my best friends fathers funeral today.I didn't go and guess i won't be judged as my friend is also an addict and knows what i'm going through.He is also really ill and seems to be losing weight by the second.

    Hard drugs.Ultimately it ends in pain,shit and fooking misery.

    Which is why i'm getting clean.

    Time for a brew.Take care all as life is short.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011 edited
    i fucking hate it when customers at work put their fucking hands on me, especially old guys [I'm not your fucking buddy and now i hate you, leave now]. sorry the ladies of FreakChapel have to deal with so much goddamn shit. in a past life i kinda used to be that guy; the holidays would come around and there'd be get-togethers so i'd drink up and take the first girl to flash me some eye contact as a signal and then try to put an arm around her until i'd get called on it or i'd just back off for not wanting make an ass of myself. then later i attended my first bachelor party; i tagged along and mooched off the food and beer and stood by and observed the show which was pretty unsettling when i look back on it. I was watching my friends and other guys i never met behaving like gross, mindless meatbags and the two girls they rented for the night were being passed around like real dolls with a pulse. the most I did was kiss one on the hand before they left cuz I'm a gentleman. that night really showed me how gross and worthless humans can be; to pay to use other humans to grind on them over their pants and have a stupid disgusting time. Anyway, after that I caught up on all the Buffy seasons and I guess that's my feminist secret origin.
    Anyway, then I wanted to draw comics and morphed into the vessel for creating art an shit that I am today. the thought of secks and intimacy and spiritually bonding with another meatbag grosses me out which is why I prefer having a cat. by the way today is 2 years since my sis brought our kitty home. i'm going to throw kitty a pizza partay or something totally extreeeeme!

    Bob; sorry bout you situation. we love you =D my grandma died in august, i didn't get to know her enough but it doesn't make it suck any less cuz that person ain't coming back. this other lady my mom works with I've known all my damn life and she got diagnosed with breast cancer this year and i think they had to remove her boob and then she did the treatments and lost her hair but she's still here. she's kind of a cunty sometimes but still, it's someone who is a cast member in your life. that shit hit me pretty bad when I saw MCR again this year and they played "Cancer" i turned into a little pussy right then and there. i keep telling myself my new mantra is "ONE LIFE, ONE CHANCE" but I still dunno how to really take that and run with it =\

    Anyway, december is always when i feel like cranking out as much new art as I can before the year finally fucks off. I hope to get a Space Shark or two done. It's taken me a few years since I started it but I think I'm coming close to making my damn point with this fucking Shark and then I can finally move on [to make other points w/ space shark lol\]. there, i bared my theoretical soul. echhhh #peeeee PS: i love my cat
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
    My wife and I watch Big Bang Theory and, if you did not, it was about bullies. She asked me if I was ever a bully, to which I answered no, I was bullied. This brought back a great many bad memories and an exhausting wave of depression. When I think about the little shitheads and the nasty names I was called I, well, I sort of want to cry. I wonder what possessed them to act the way they did, what makes people want to do that?

    The more I think about it the more I see what I've become in life. I have a mean streak and a short temper at times, I don't like it and I don't know how to turn it off. However , thinking about it now, maybe I can use these dark feelings to determine a course of action for being a better person. It's a hard way to get better but I hope that I can.