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      CommentAuthorLee Edward
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2011
    I'm tiredof taking meds to regulate bipolar disorder (yes, it gets lower case today). I'm sick of taking meds that don't work or lose their effectiveness. I'm tired of meds that promote weight gain as as ide effect. I'm five' six" and weight 200 lbs, and I assure you, it's not all muscle. I'm tired of having to take sleep aid medication because the meds I'm currently on for bd, while not increasing my weight, do nothing for sleep, which the other drugs I've takne used to do. I miss when sleeping four hours a night was normal to me and I didn't feel sluggish and messed up pclimbing out of bed at 4 AM (or whenever; I used to be a night owl, too). I'm completely burned out on social media as a means of promoting myself, because it doesn't seem to have done a damned thing for promoting my books, art or music. And I'm really tired of trying to edit my novels for ebook sales, even though I've only made three sales in three months, and know the buyers personally.

    Hmmn. I thought venting would make me feel better. *sigh* Thanks anyway.
  1.  (10381.82)
    Not bipolar, but I do get sick of taking pills all the damn time and waiting for them to stop working before the game of try a pill starts again. I wish they came in gummy or candy form. Something to make them less depressing. Side effects are a pain in the ass.
      CommentAuthorJay Kay
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2011 edited
    So I quit the Amazon job. I tried my best for three weeks, waking up at ungodly hours and nearly wore my feet to nubs in my effort, and I just found myself to be more and more depressed and not making their rate expectations, and I felt like I was inches away from being fired anyway. I hated doing it, but since then I've been feeling better and started to actually recover (though I can't really do anything more than a mild walk without limping). It did give me a few weeks of a steady paycheck, which I used to pay off a debt I had with my college and will be used for the holidays, so it wasn't all bad.

    In the meantime, I've figured out what I'm going to do college-wise, and I think I have an in for another job. It's Starbucks as a barista, which will probably not be all that fun either, but hopefully the hours will be more reasonable and not as extremely physically demanding as Amazon.

    As for the discussion about creepy guys--man, I so often feel like I'm the creepy guy. I mean, I don't feel all that attractive, and I'm more than a little awkward around other people. I'm trying to fix that, but I just can't ever seem to shake it.
      CommentAuthormister hex
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2011
    @ everyone who thinks we should get together (and that I'll drink fucking tea if we all do) - the Toronto Chapter of Our Esteemed Thing has gotten together with some rgularity, much hilarity and a lot of "God Only Knows What Happened". The last time we got together ended .... somewhat strangely and I got a $235 ticket for calling a transit employee (and I quote) "utterly fucking useless." You get less for MURDER. At least Robin didn't punch me, although I think she might want to. (For some unknown reason. MOVING ON!)

    @jay - Amazon sucks. You're well-rid, trust me.

    @ the creepiness discussion - alls y'all realize dudes on Whitechapel, while .... um ..."eccentric" ... are not the usual creepy frat-boy date-rapist I-don't-care-where-your-eyes-are, I'm-busy-staring-at-your-tits kinda fellas, right?

    @ Lee - at least you made some sales! Buck up, cheero! Or something. I'm not good at condolensces.

    Anyone ever see a movie called MYSTERIOUS SKIN? That's some fucked-up shit right there, yo.
  2.  (10381.85)
    Last time we got together, I recall getting busted for sneaking beer into the bar where we were drinking. I think I was trying to get random women to hook up with Mr Hex, too.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2011
    Good day all.

    MYSTERIOUS SKIN? I like fooked up stuff so i will add that to my mental mind list of things to make "reality" even more weird.The weirder the better for this jaded space assassin.

    I woke a few hours back from the big sleep.Super surreal excursions into Dreamville Brainston left me all greasy and lying in me pit looking at the walls phase in and out of a two dimensional visual blur.My senses are really heightened at the moment which tends to make to make the flesh world smell pretty rank.Pity i'm in the big bad city of Londonia as i got to assault the tube network system in a bit and i bet i will be able to smell the guilt oozing out the skin of the crap ones.The shitty people.Soul dead fucktrons obsessed with the money and the car and the big television and their clothes and their poxy haircuts etc etc. The older i get the more i think that stuff really counts for nothing in the grand scheme of things.It's quite a nice feeling so that's something positive to think about as i prepare for the big rave at the edge of time.

    @ the creep thing:My way of hopefully not being perceived as one of them awful manifestations of the human condition is to speak my mind as much as possible even if people don't like the scary bastard i'm often told i am.It can be hard lonely work but it does tend to keep the sick ones at arms length.And because i try to be a feminist bloke i can see it in both men and women.It's a good word,creep.It sort of comes to mind organically when i make a judgement call on some other ego that tries to impose itself on my space.I'd rather feel a bit lonely and have just a few ok friends etc than make the easy mistake of trying to fit in with groups of people etc.Still,it can be easier said than done when i have to do my voluntary work,groups and meetings.I intend to go back to school soon so that should be a bit of a challenge.

    Think i might watch a Coffin Joe film to set me up for a perverted mindframe to take on a grey,cold sunday.

    Surfs up motherfuckers!
  3.  (10381.87)
    I am so jealous of the people who get to go to the Toronto meetups. And the fact that while Toronto is in Canada, it's still not as far north as where I live. Bah!
  4.  (10381.88)
    @ trini- tired of winter can it end now?
    /hates northern winters.
  5.  (10381.89)
    Let's see...had the staff Chrissie party, my first drink & draw meet-up and another chrissie party at community radio I volunteer in and....I totally suck at conversation and being social....sigh, I'm so doomed....maybe I should try drinking a little in these shindigs...on a good note, drew a lot and did some sweet chrissie cards so I suppose it balances out, I guess.
  6.  (10381.90)
    I think getting a bit paranoid about coming off as a creep is probably the best sign that you're not too creepy, huh? like madness. I worry about it, too, but as a female under the age of thirty I'm in that zone where it's outside of the social template for people to perceive me as sexually creepy. Which means, one one hand I have more benefit of the doubt space to flail at people awkwardly, but on the other hand, if I do something objectively creepy people might not tell me :(

    today I have been feeling panicky for no reason, which is always my favourite. every time this happens I start going back over the not going on meds decision. am I really functional enough to fail that cost/benefit analysis or was I faking it really well? is there a difference? am I missing out on some soaring heights of sanity because I've felt like this for so long that it seems normal, or is this actually normal? it's a pity you can't test-drive that shit, or peek into alternate universes.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeDec 11th 2011
    having to reinvent my relationship with my dj. interesting layers of interpersonal interactions have made our current relationship...strange...friendship/ex fwb/business partner/occasional "guy on the couch"...we're back to goofing off and pestering each other like a couple of kids...but I can't add in that whole sexual teasing that I had so much fun with before, now it's just to pester each other. Still...after this whole drama bullshit we went through, while I'm still attracted to him in some ways, I've seen his bad side, and am very familiar with some of his less appealing traits. So...i'm all conflicted and strange on the inside right now...not exactly sure how to feel or how to act, but i'm a hell of a lot more gaurded now.

    got the ebay stuff straightened out but i still don't know when they'll release my's poop. my ebay/paypal guy had no idea what he was doing and got confused...trying to fix it...but broke for now.... i still don't even have a christmas tree....

    Losing myself to skyrim a bit. Keeping control...only playing four or five hour sessions every few days...
    also working on some roleplaying art...maps and character drawings...we've decided to play a campaign in the fantasy/superhero world i've been slowly working on for...jeeze..fourteen dj is going to invade and wage war on my world, and me and a few other players are going to try to stop him (I'm actually playing two or three characters, one of which is a traitorous bastard who is on his side). he's modeling his character after one of the Plainswalkers from Magic: The Gathering.
    it's going to be interesting. We planned to start our game after the first big snow of the year, so I've got to get my shit together and get these maps made.

    my hands are killing me from all this activity, videogames and drawing and typing and the like...but i've been forcing myself to use them anyway. I decided that i have to do something with all this creative energy that's broiling about in me.

    my hearts been doing funny fluttery things. It's always done that since I was a kid, and doctors weren't that might be related to my particular type of arthritis (which attacks the organs too). So though I'm not terribly worried, I've been thinking about my mortality and, well, I guess my legacy, what I'm going to leave behind...thing is, my grandmother was a brilliant folk artist. She's sold painting all over KY and one of them is in the capital building (also won the contest that created the poison warning "mr. Yuck"..yep. My grandma invented him hehehe)
    Back when I was a teenager, their hand built log cabin caught fire (My grandfather was a book collector. A crack in their coal stove's chimney allowed a spark into his book room, and..well, there went the cabin....what's more, he was a gun collector, with thousands of rounds of ammo. As painful as it was,I kind of wish I had been there at the time to hear it). She got out, but all her art was destroyed. Now I'm left with nothing of hers but her ring and rosary. I'm going to contact someone at the capital to see if they still have her painting and if I can get it from them.....anyway...yes. i want to leave something behind, so I've decided to force myself to create some art. I want to be remembered for soon as I can get what I've done recently scanned I'll post some pics...woot...
    • CommentTimeDec 11th 2011

    I got married so I wouldn't haaaaaaave to.

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this lack of actual communication.

    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeDec 11th 2011
    also...if you read my above post and were like" what the hell is she talking about being broke. she has skyrim!"...but a tweaked system as a present and a bunch of games...woot. just sold all my actual games for cash...sigh.
  7.  (10381.94)
    Partner went to see her father earlier, still in intensive care.

    I understand the conversation went something like:
    "Come here, there's something I have to tell you. They're all trying to kill me. The medicine - it's Chinese. They're shipping it in through Portsmouth. I'll not last the week unless you get me out. It's a conspiracy, this isn't a real hospital. They've wheeled two out already today. Go and tell the police, but be careful, they'll be watching you and following you when you leave."

    Doesn't bode well, really...
    • CommentTimeDec 11th 2011
    @Phill_Sea, whatever it is, I'm sorry :-/

    Hang in there. (That goes for the rest of you too)
  8.  (10381.96)
    @ jP - painkillers can make parents say....strange things.
    • CommentTimeDec 11th 2011
    Got home around six and passed out for a few hours... Now I'm up and achy and fuzzy-headed. Birthday celebrations were pretty satisfying. Friday night, the day of, was spent alone with red wine and some well-wishing phone calls. Saturday was dinner, wrestling, late-night milkshakes, and an attempt at some dancing. If I can find time while frantically cramming for my exam tomorrow, I'll document the bruises. My knee does seem to be fucked, but as I don't plan on leaving my bed for the next 24 hours, I think it'll be alright.

    I've decided next time I grapple it's gonna be sexy grappling. I'll bring extra belts or bondage tape or something, and allow myself to risk being stripped naked in public. I met a nice girl who wanted to talk about what it's like to have buttons sutured to your skin, so that was fun (although it devolved, as all girl-talk does, into body hair removal stories). Having a nice trip down memory lane, back when I actually made myself bleed for art. Since I'm making these friends anyways, I may as well see if the rope-bondage people are cool with me throwing a few hooks and bleeding a bit. Been too long!

    (Also, I want to take my camera out. We brought a couple that grappled for the first time, and I really wish I had a souvenir photo or two to offer them.)

    In other news, my job still sucks and I'm still looking for a new apartment. Just got turned down for the one I really wanted. May stop mentioning that I'm trying to find a place for two people. Then again, my potential roommate is probably going to cancel out on me, so whatever.
    • CommentTimeDec 11th 2011
    Gah! It was your Birthday on Friday?!

    Happy belated!
    • CommentTimeDec 11th 2011
    I just want to whine about being fortunate/privileged/selfish for a minute. Then I'll recommence smacking myself for being lucky enough to have this problem.

    I'm super strapped for cash. I hope the cash I have left in the bank will cover all of my bills but I have nothing left over for gas to put in the truck or anything incidental. Absolutely nothing for Christmas for anyone.

    My mom said I could help her out at her classroom this coming week; she'll pay me for my time/effort. She will absolutely expect that cash to go toward Christmas presents. Not for gasoline to get to Christmas parties. Not for classes next month. Not for saving toward career aids like subscription to an industry networking site.

    I'm being really selfish and awful this year, and I know it. I don't feel good about it. Wallowing in being skint or hording what pennies I can earn are my options. They're crappy options and yet I'm lucky to have them. I know it could be far, far worse.

    Please, God, I just want to be as good to my family as they've been to me, if not better.