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  1.  (10397.181)
    @bob so sorry for your loss. Guess it's good that she had you all there with her and that you managed to spend Christmas together. Best wishes and condolences to you and your family.
  2.  (10397.182)
    My condolences on your mum's passing, Bob.
  3.  (10397.183)
    @bob. Sorry for the passing.
    @flecky. I enjoy hearing from you. I enjoy hearing about your tribulations, I enjoy your uniqueness, I enjoy you on this site, please keep well.
    @all. Thank you for populating this site, you've made a pretty tough year for me better.

    I've has a story I've wanted to share for some time, it is gross, deals with a part of the male anatomy, some sexual things that go with that, and it is overall sad, but here goes...

    Over Christmas my grand parents decided that they wanted to take a cruise, instead of giving presents. Enter some family melodrama, but that's another story.

    The thing I wanted to talk about, was when I masturbated on this cruise.

    Three, now fours years I had a amazing girlfriend. She loved me, I loved her. My family liked her, all things pointed to good. Then one day at the job we work at, our regional loss prevention manager comes and four hours later she's arrested. She was stealing money, lots of it. I broke up with her, and never spoke to her again. I still miss her, even though I can't be with her.

    Fast-forward to this cruise, when I was younger I always waited for the moment when I was alone, so that I could pleasure myself in a new location, and get a somewhat sick joy out of it. With old age, I still do it but I have more regret. Mostly because I have the realization that as a 26 year old, I pleasured myself with illusions like I was 13 again.

    I promised myself that I would NOT masturbate on this one, I was going to be mature and strong, and not give into that demon.

    Day No. 4: Everybody goes off and we meet up later, I was in my stateroom bathroom deciding what to do, and the urge came. I told myself, maybe just a little bit, and then a little later I'm ejaculating and feeling lonely. Feeling like one side of me wanted to go back to her, forgot the past and make it was new again. But I knew that was a lie, I couldn't go back. I was always thought the times when we had little clothing, was the best I ever had. But I realize, that was because I can't have her now. I've moved on, but I accpet that I will always have that feeling, and I'm okay with not having her.

    I just want a feeling of moving on, of continuing life, except that I know it will never come. Sometimes, we just need to keep making a left hand turn, and never look back.

    I don't want people to write and say that it keeps better, I just wanted to share. I believe that sharing the most embarrassing and shocking things about someone, is the most human thing to do. I believe that as a society, we grow stronger when we do it.

    And now for something, completely different....

  4.  (10397.184)
    @flecky - It's like an evil ex girlfriend. She messed you up bad, man, and you can't help but still want her back. Fuck that bitch! You've got to remind yourself that while you might always miss some of those sexy times you shared, endorphins a-plenty, sure, but the longer you move forward and make your life something she'd never ever recognize, the less tempting that backstabbing whore will seem. Yeah, fuck that whore. She doesn't fucking deserve you.

    @icelandbob - I've no idea how you are dealing so.... serenely.... through this. It's lovely that you have family to help each other. I am very sorry.
    • CommentTimeJan 1st 2012
    @Bob - Condolences to you and your family. Thank you for allowing us all to grieve along with you and for being so coherent and lucid about it.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeJan 2nd 2012 edited
    @icelandbob:I too want to send you my condolences.My thoughts will be with you today,it being tuesday now.One of my oldest friend's father just passed away recently and for him it has been a strange sort of relief after years of caring for him.

    @everyone:Thanks for the words of support.To be honest i was feeling a bit embarrassed to admit here,on the only site i've come to trust,that i had used the other day.I was also feeling paranoid that people where starting to think it was all i went on about:me and my detox.That it was my one defining characteristic.That i wasn't really trying.That by now i should have finished it etc.

    That "slip"the other day really done me over in so many different ways.Going into a bad area of London where i live,handing over money to runners through fences in view of people who have to live there,walking through the estate with bags of crap in my mouth,shitting it that the police would jump on me any minute.As i was nearing home i was cursing myself and saying "What the fuck are you doing?".I know there's no crying on Whitechapel but there was one point while i was in my kitchen smoking the heroin and crack that i was in utter despair.As i've shared here before all my my veins,apart from my neck,groin and yeah,my dick(fuck,even i'm not that crazy to have done it there!) have collapsed so injecting is not an option for me.BUT in some ways this makes it even more insidious:You say to yourself "Well,i'm not shooting-up anymore so it's not that bad".This is a load of crap and i know it.

    I'm not too sure what made me do it.I hadn't been sleeping well,i was feeling the reduction in Subutex bad,it was Christmas(always a bad time for people like me),i'd been drinking(something i know can't do like "regular" people),depression...maybe even boredom.

    New Years Day was bad.I couldn't even get out for a walk and i just spent the day in and out of bed too messed up to even read.Watching Battlestar Galactica again was my only comfort.Better than most of the shite that was on the box for holiday viewing!

    Anyway,i got to a meeting tonight and the crazy thing is wherever i go people are saying i'm looking loads better.I will humble-up and take the compliment.
    So i guess that means i'm back on track and i can feel the bastard in me coming back to life.

    As Rachael so succinctly put it my new defence code is "Fuck that whore".
  5.  (10397.187)
    @Bob - Add mine to your pile of condolences.

    @Flecky - You fell. It happens. It's not good. Try not to do it again. We all want to see you well. The good news is, you seem to want to see that too.

    I'm glad the holidays are over. I've been getting a lot of writing done and am closing the books on a couple of projects. My love life is in a weird place. I'm dating someone. I'm not really sure how things are going. There aren't fireworks like the last one, but we seem to have fun when we're together. I'm not sure if there is really something off or if I have unrealistic expectations at the moment. I'm trying not to over think it.

    Recently, my right arm has started going numb and other nervy type things. Nothing that lasts very long or is bad enough that I need to see a doctor, but I'm keeping a close eye on it. After the three surgeries in my lower back, the fear that my degenerative disk disease could be causing the rest of my spine to melt hangs over me like the sword of Damocles. Also trying not to over think this.

    Here's to a better year for us all!
  6.  (10397.188)
    At the end of the week I will be temporarily unemployed. I know I should be upset about this and worried and etc, but I feel like everything is going to be fine and I'm just getting a week or two off to work decorating/cleaning/arranging the apartment. The reason this is happening is a mix of the recession, the ideals of my bosses (who are all about slow, high quality food) versus the expectations of investors and state/gov bureaucracy. It breaks their hearts to do this, but they need to get some stuff sorted before they can afford to pay us during a very slow winter season. Come spring and summer, the tourists will be back and there will be plenty of work. Tomorrow morning I'm going to have to call unemployment office and get things sorted, and of course, luckily I have money in savings. I'll be fine.

    The entire situation is more sad than anything, because in a way, we're like family and it's hard to see all the struggles everyone else is going through. One of my co-workers is a single mom, and it's going to be toughest on her. I'm not really angry... just a little sad. It's a reminder of how hard it is to keep a small business going in this economy. One of the things I do really like about living in this area is the sense of community and the abundance of small businesses here. It would be an utter shame to lose that.
    • CommentTimeJan 3rd 2012
    @icelandbob Condolences to you and your family.
  7.  (10397.190)
    So. There's a boy. And he's cute and kind and considerate.

    But I've only "been with" someone three times in the past two or three years. I'm not used to this kind of thing. Kissing someone.... outside.... in public.... that's.... well, it's been about ten years since I'd done that.

    I've been trying to pry my identity away from illness and figure out what I am. I've been sort of pretending that I'm a normal and not mystery-sickly kind of person. It tends to drive people away. I've alluded to me having health concerns, mentioned some bits here and there, but... I wanted to feel like a normal girl. As much as I rant and scream about it online, I don't really bring it up socially, how much my health wrecks my life. It's awkward and it makes conversation sad. I've been strangely "lucky" to have been sick with this throat flu thing for most of the month, so my atypical sleeping patterns and feeling like crap all the time I've been hanging out with the fellow has been explained away, and I was given enough down time and rest from all of that to have the oomph to really go out and have fun around New Years Eve.

    But now that I'm not coughing, not fevered, etc etc etc.... I'm doing things. And now that I'm doing things and being active, my headaches are coming back. My joints hurt. Everything is tired. Everything hurts. When he's not around, I'm mostly just laying down, wishing I had to oomph to clean my room. And I've just read this, and it's spot fucking on:

    Once people know you are sick, no matter how healthy you are at the time, they always look at you different. You now officially have baggage. If they care about you, they worry about you. (Yet, if they didn’t care about me or ask how I was, I would probably be upset and feel neglected). People never ask the most average question “how are you?” the same again. The truth is they really don’t want to know the answer. They stare at you with their head tilted to one side; eyes squinted with a tint of care or concern and a look in their eyes that cuts deep into the soul of the receiver. It is the face of pure sympathy, and it’s not a pretty sight. Most people do not even know they do it, but they do it all the time. I hate answering the questions. I hate being the one people worry about. Once I choose to let you in and tell you the truth, you know, and there is no turning back. You can’t erase it or take it away. The hardest thing about all of this is once you know, you know.

    So when I meet someone new, male or female and I am “just like them”, it is as intoxicating as the most addictive drug. It is worse when it is a man, because then not only am I normal in their eyes, but I am actually wanted or desired, and not the damaged goods I see myself as. I can be pretty or dare I even say beautiful. They don’t see the pills I just took, or the bruises I am hiding. I can smile and they don’t see the pain I am in, so they help me forget. It is in that forgetting or escaping that is the greatest gift some of these people I have met have given me, and they never knew it. They don’t see how ugly my body feels, because “I don’t look sick”. The problem is, there are times when I actually start to like the person, and I choose to tell them more about myself. Sooner or later my illness will come up, and as quickly as the heated rush of desire came over me, it vanishes, as if the magic spell is gone. Now they know, and they know too much. It loses its romance, and they lose me, since that was the attraction. Now, since they know, I can’t use them to escape.

    So I kind of feel like an asshole. An asshole who will eventually make everything heavy.

    He thinks I'm fun. I want to keep that. God, I wish my headache would go away.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
    @rachealtyrell can relate....i try my best to hide my disability. i can walk normally sometimes,and i tend to hide my swollen jointed hands when i talk to people...they don't have to know that I spend all my time when they are away in bed, smoking pot to ease the belly troubles and the constant pain.
    i feel kind of weird about the whole past involvement with the dj...i found out that he frequently sleeps with hot disabled chicks. he said he just likes to give them something that's harder for them to find because of their disability. I don't know if that's kinda sweet, or...weird...or how i feel about it....
    i know he was originally attracted to me because I did my best to be tough around him and not show my weaknesses. he complimented me on how little i let my disability bother me...but of course I can only keep up that charade for a short while, and when I first met him i was going through a good spell.

    it sucks having to admit your sick...i generally do it straight out because I can't stand that look in their eyes when they think i'm hot and sexy and strong, and Im really just a crippled anorexic lookin girl with a cute face and clothes worn to hide the twisted spine and the grotesque swollen joints....bah...

    @flecky I feel like a horrid bitch for bitching about the shit i'm about to bitch about...and you have the right to laugh your ass off at me and give me a good double fuck you you silly bitch.
    I hope that you stay strong man. You've got a lot of people on your side.

    so i'm in for a shitty day. outta smoke, can't get more...don't think i'll be able to eat much today without it. stomach hurts all the time unless i'm appetite...
    i think i'm under a hundred lbs right now. I can't afford to not eat...

    this is how pathetic i am right now. I'm scrapping the last little crums from my grinder right now, hoping I can get enough hits out of it so I can choke down this half mug of milk and a granola sad is that?
    the doctors won't put enough effort into helping me because I can't tolerate the treatment for my disease, and I wouldn't be able to afford it anyway, so I have to resort to paying only slightly less ridiculous prices for some smoke. usually i can keep it in stock, but deliveries sometimes get delayed and I'm stuck in a kind of limbo of stomach and joint pain, depression, and anxiety until i can get more. I realize that a lot of the symptoms I suffer when I go a day without smoking are because of the much debated marijuana withdraw. it only last a couple days and is NOTHING compared to the shit I went through when I was kicking the anxiety and depression meds they had me on, but it's kind of dire for me because my stomach starts getting more fucked up if I can't keep food in it, and like I said, I'm waaaaaayyyy too thin. my stomach has trouble getting the nutrients outta my food, so it's very important that I eat as much as I can... i haven't been outside since christmas. literally been in my bed or on my couch for almost ten days, and before christmas I had been indoors for a couple weeks before that. this probably is very bad for my mood, but the cold just cuts right through me and my truck is dead so I'm kind of stuck here anyway unless someone takes me out.
    no sunlight means no vit d means winter depression...
  8.  (10397.192)
    Hi everyone - Thanks for all the kind words. they'Re really wonderful and well appreciated. Right now i´m starting to make a dent in her impressive hoarding. So far we have 2 large suitcases of unused wool... and 4 bin liners of used wool. WHY??? And this is just the beginning!...

    @Rachel - Boy alert! SQUEEEEEEE!
    Oh and i've found my mums most recent stash of Dihydrocodiene tablets (ALL unused!), over 200 hundred of them. I could try to send some to you if you need them (unless the DEA are going to bash down your door or something...).

    @flecky - Keep strong you malevolent bastard!
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
    Losing your phone on Christmas day is a great way to ensure a quiet and peaceful winter break and that's just how I like them. I am only now able to start catching up with missed threads, updates etc etc.

    My GF was in bed asleep by quarter to midnight on New Years Eve so I saw in 2012 by watching the fireworks on the telly, comforting the cat who was scared by some being set off closer by, and having a whiskey and a smoke while sitting next to her in bed.

    @Rachael - coming from the opposite end of the spectrum (I am a reasonably healthy chap, my GF is registered disabled), I wanna tell you not to worry about 'letting him in' so to speak - my GF was totally honest to me from the start that a relationship wouldn't be constant rainbows and kittens, but I would not have had some of the best moments in my life without her. She also worries that her illness has scared her friends away though (and to a certain extent I think she is right about that...) so I understand where you are coming from. Fair weather friends will always scarper when the going gets tough in life tho, whatever the cause...

    @Bob You have my sincere and hearty condolences dude. Seriously. Having watched my best mate (at the time) lose his mum to cancer when we were in our mid-teens I know how distressing the whole situation must have been for you and your family. Best wishes mate.
  9.  (10397.194)
    @Rachel/Pooka - Having spent 5 years in agony as my discs melted out from my vertebrae and into my spine I completely understand where you're coming from. It sucks. You want something to talk about that isn't your illness, but it's the all consuming thing in your life, so there really isn't much else. I know that look in the eye when someone asks how you're doing where they really don't want to know. Or they do sincerely want to check in with you just at the moment when you're feeling OK and want to talk about anything else in the world. That said, I agree with WORSETHANDETROIT. Best put it out there early. If the person you meet isn't going to want to deal, they can fuck off before you get too attached. If, like your quote suggests and the only allure for you is that they don't know/treat you like you're sick, then the relationship is ultimately doomed anyway. I think you're handling it well, letting out little bits of information at a time so that he won't feel like you're dumping a big emotional load on him all at once. It will have to happen eventually, but hopefully, the more you let on beforehand will lighten things a bit. I know for my part, even though I'm healthy now (more or less/knock on wood/fate please don't be tempted) I'm never really sure how to bring up three back surgeries from age 23-33. And oh yeah, it's got a genetic component so could happen again in other parts of my spine or be passed on to kids. Maybe. Or not. That said, if you see the relationship going anywhere, they have a right to know. Just one more piece of the chronic illness puzzle that most healthy people never think about. Dating is hard enough without all this extra stuff. It sucks, but there it is. Best of luck to you both.

    And pooka, is there anything else you can do to help you keep food down? Or any way to get it in without your body rejecting it? Broths or something? It seems like any nutrition is better than starvation.
  10.  (10397.195)
    @sellmeyoursoul & @worsethandetroit - the thing is, I really do think that most people would find it terribly shitty to find out that someone is ill and then say "sorry, babe, no can do!" Most people WANT to be that person who can deal with someone's illness, who can be the single safe place in a world of pain and chaos. It's not until there's a bad patch, and the reality of having to cancel plans because of illness, having to spend a week mostly just lounging and feeling shitty, of breaking down from time to time, or realizing that it's not something that is EVER going to go away.... it's then than people walk away. Warning with words doesn't do much, I think. It's about showing.

    I've had two truly terrible relationships, and both were due to, I think, the significant other having represented themselves in a totally duplicitous and fictitious manner. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want to dupe someone into something. The only time I wasn't left in the lurch, or met with freakouts from someone unable to handle it, was when I was ridiculously and graphically honest about my illness from the beginning. The problem is, like what @pooka mentioned, is that there's the chance that the illness is what is attracting people to you in the first place. While somehow refreshing, it's... kind of uncomfortable. It makes the attraction less about ME, but more about what I am afflicted with.

    @bob - yay pills!
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
    Apparently I'm a perfectionist, and I have trouble realizing when a project is finished, and finished well. I just kind of sit on it for fear GOD FORBID it'll get out into the public.

    Which, for the uninitiated, IS THE FUCKING POINT
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
    @sellmeyoursoul my hubs is picking me up some chicken soup but there's so few calories in chicken soup...and i can only eat a few bites before I start feeling sick...
    . I can force food down in small amounts if I have to but it's not enough to keep me going...lets I managed a granola bar and a small glass of milk, a couple thin slices of turkey and a yogurt. i'm shaky right now because i haven't had enough to eat, but i'm hoping I can hold out until he gets back.

    there's been a lot of stress today. my stupid ex girlfriend keeps doing very stupid things and I have to keep dealing with them. today, we asked her to take my husband to the store and help him run a very important business errand. he wasn't ready when she got here so she sat in her car with her radio going and the lights on until she drained the battery (for the...tenth time in the last three or four months), and while we tolerate her because she's homeless and occasionally helps out we didn't want her sitting here all day (please don't think I'm a horrible bitch for being so angry and intolerant of a homeless girl...she's a horrid leech who can't keep a job because of her self righteous bullshit, and won't practice any form of self control despite how bad it will turn out in the end. I gave her five years to straighten her ass up and she just keeps sinking further because of stupid choices). So my husband throws a panic attack kind of fit, which he frequently does when things get too much for him...which happens a lot. eventually they got her car running and they're gone dj called to tell me he had some smoke for me, but he won't come over until after my ex leaves (he haaates her). so now i'm just sitting and waiting...gotta go fix dinner for everyone else soon...
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
    Just: ARGH. I'm feeling horribly petty and bitter over something that's (hopefully) a really good thing for the people actually involved. And boy, that's a bit of ice on those there designer rings.

    There. Vented. Go away, silly brain gremlin. Shoo. I've got no use for ya.
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
    shit...the fun thing about my stomach is if I wait too long to try to eat without some smoke, then I'll throw up anyway....

    erg...round two mr. chunky chicken noodle soup...round...two.
  11.  (10397.200)
    @ Pooka - Have you tried getting a juicer? You can down a ton of raw vegetables without taking in any fiber that way. Pure nutrients. You can then add some whey protein powder instead of eating meat. A good juicer could set you back a little bit, but it's something you could use everyday.