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    • CommentTimeDec 15th 2011
    Having a bit of a shit one today.

    Woken up by a visit from the police, who reopened the inquest into a friend's death last year. It was returned as an open verdict - they still can't figure out if it was suicide or misadventure. I have always believed it was suicide, but a spur-of-the-moment thing rather than a planned thing. So I spent an hour and a half giving them a statement, which I had to word very carefully because his mother will get to see it... and she was the root cause of many of his issues and problems.

    Fucksake, it just really busted me up again having to think about the time we lost him. He called me on the night he died and I didn't pick up, because I'd seen him the day before and assumed he was calling to get me to go out drinking with him, and I didn't want to. The amount of time I've spent wondering what if I had picked up, what if I had called back... There was nothing in his demeanour the previous day to even hint that he was suicidal, but even so I feel like a heel for not taking his call. Maybe I could have made a difference, I don't know.

    Giving the statement just put me back in the headspace I was in after he died, he was the second of my friends to take their own life in the past three years, and in each case I just can't help feeling I could have done more for them when they were alive. In both cases they took their own lives just as they were on the brink of achieving some big life goal, on the brink of going on to a better life... Both people were dealing with their pasts and coming to terms wiith their mistakes and their pain. The only way I can make sense of their suicides is to imagine that for people who had such painful lives, the prospect of things getting better was as terrifying as the prospect of things getting worse. I suppose they were scared they wouldn't be able to hack it. And I know that feeling. I live with that every day. It's fucking tough trying to be a better person, it's fucking tough getting up every day and trying like a fucking bear to achieve when it would be so much easier to just light up a joint, crack a brew, and haze it all out like I did through my teens and my twenties.

    I've moved on and moved city to escape their ghosts, it was a huge part of what cost me my relationship with the love of my life, and ended up with me blaming myself so much I went back to therapy and started taking antidepressants. I have moved on since then, I'm better now and out of therapy, off the drugs, and I'm very happy being a student and moving towards my personal goals... I know how lucky I am. I just wish he was here with me to share it all, I wish he had the chance to get to know his daughter, I wish things could have just gone differently.

    So I've done what I can to clarify the events leading up to his death, for the police and for his family... I've cleaned my flat top to bottom and had some coffee... Trying to get in the zone to write but I don't think it's happening today. I just miss him so fucking much it''s all I can think about. Poor guy. He deserved happiness just as much as everyone else, more so in some ways because he had such a hard upbringing. I loved him intensely since we met as kids, he was my oldest friend, he knew me better than anyone else and saw right through all my petty bullshit. I would give anything to talk to him again.

  1.  (10397.62)
    Bram - Sorry to hear you're having all of that shit dredged up. Losing someone's never easy. Especially under a cloud. In my limited experience with suicide, if someone's gong to do it, a pint with a mate isn't going to make the difference. (For what that's worth)

    So shit has ground to an angry halt with my ex-wife. In our last attempt to talk about custody changes for when our daughter starts school, she decided to dredge up angst from our divorce. Apparently I'm the only one who was "pulling shit." Like the time she accused me of being a drug addict because I was taking percocet while recovering from back surgery wasn't "shit." I'm really trying my damnedest to not rehash the past and focus on what's best for my daughter, but the ex isn't making things easy. If we can't find our way through this, it will invariably mean going back to court for a battle that will ruin any working relationship with my ex for years. Oh yeah, and it will cost a small fortune that I don't have, so I'll be further in debt to my family. I'm starting to feel like she's not going to even try and meet me half way.

    On the up side... it's times like this that make me glad I'm divorced.
  2.  (10397.63)
    Tired. Spent too much time the day before yesterday playing skyrim instead of sleeping, climbing up stair mountain from hell. Ate too much yesterday, sugar and alcohol before bed. Today I just feel exhausted. I keep staring at the story thread, and being reminded that between thanksgiving and new years is the time when mot of the family picks to keel over dead for whatever reason, or horrible accidents happen. And then I realize it's not over for this year, so I don't write.

    I know I need to write.
    But I haven't been. The weathers been shit, and I just feel like hiding under blankets all day.

    I open up a word file and stare at it. Like it could write itself. And then I close it. Wondering who on earth would read my crap, as depression kicks in. It's hard to turn that voice off. Even if in the back of my head there are also so many stories and characters begging to be wrote.

    Vaguely wondering why in fantasy stories animals don't poop, and people don't have to deal with it (dinotopia is the only one I can think of that deals with it). Am imagining skyrim dragons leaving huge piles of guano everywhere. Peasant looks up, only to die under a pile of white green dragon shit.
    • CommentAuthorchris g
    • CommentTimeDec 15th 2011
    mom told me before I left the house that one of my uncle's died. I didn't really give a fuck. That crusty old bastard had a history of being a groper and a perv so fuck em, stay dead! Way I see it; if I have been getting by just fine with or without certain people in my life then I never needed them anyway. Maybe that's a bit mean. Maybe that's just the goddamn reality of it.
    Also it was morning which is when i care even LESS about humans and more about coffee.
    Then I found out Joe Simon died and felt genuinely bad about that because I love Captain America since I was a kid and the movie especially really nailed what he's all about. I can't be all noble and perfect like that but I still identify with being a decent guy, and I'm very simple and don't need consumer electronics and fancy shit in my life. this goddamn computer at work is running on Win98 and Firefox 2.0! This is how I talk to my damn sister while I'm bored and how I plug new Space Shark all week whenever I do a new one. Youtube doesn't work except on the computer in the back office, so I'll sometimes watch wrestling matches on that one lol. I'm getting by alright so far!
    Anyway, i still have my damn job so that's nice. I thought this building got sold but buyers love to drag their feet and puss out. Boss probly wants to yank his hair out and die already b/c no one's fucking buying but that's not really my problem yet lol. As long as he's paying me to show up and open the store then I'll keep doing that. If it finally ends I'll probably work at his other store, or I'll try to get this dumb comics dream to happen. If I can't get my bullshit published in twenty-twelve I'll probably give the fuck up or something. I don't know anything yet. I've never been much for planning. I tend to head out and figure shit out on the fly...probly why Space Shark's profile is still low!
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011
    @Roo: It's shitty advice--I know this even as I speak it--but the only cure for not writing is to write. I was in this exact situation a couple of years ago, before I started submitting to Weaponizer, and I only got out of it by looking at it as physical therapy. Something in my brain was injured by events, and I had to work them back to health. Start small, find some prompts or something like that, and do, say, one hundred words to start. Once you crack the block, and keep working at it, your stamina cannot but increase.

    Good luck.

    And I'd imagine dragonlime would be most prevalent around lairs, and I don't think there'd be pellets due to the draconic metabolism literally turning all organic components to ash, which is probably belched up.
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011
    I will read your stuff roo, always. Loved the story you did for Weaponizer. More please!

    Thanks dude. Feel a lot better today. Beer and spliff do have their uses after all. Sorry to hear about your troubles with your ex... hang tight
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011
    Let me tell you guys about how @texture is a mensch by editing my poorly-wrought stories!

    I definitely owe you, brother--should I ever get to Edinburgh, I'm buying.
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011
    Deal! Not poorly-wrought though. I've learned two new words today. 'Mon the Scholomance!
  3.  (10397.69)
    @texture - I'm still pretty broken up about a friend suicide from 18 years ago, I can only imagine what you must be going through right now with it so fresh a wound, with inquiries poking at it to make it bleed.

    Me, I just had a night. I've been sick for days, and since yesterday afternoon, I've hardly left bed. My entire being exhausted and leaden. I finally forced myself up this evening, showered, and took enough painkillers to get me out into the world. I got to the club after 11, discovered I knew two fellows working the venue (who reprimanded me for buying tickets and told me that they could get me into just about any show in NYC I wanted), and wrangled my way in just in time to find my friends and see PSYCHIC TV perform. It was seriously amazing. The crowd was mostly disappointing, but the band was phenomenal, and the guitarist was beautiful. My friends went home, but I hung out afterwards with the venue fellows and got to shake the hand of the guitarist and thank him for an amazing show. We grabbed they food hadn't eaten in the fancy band area (I've got Genesis' bananas! ha ha ha ha!), then a car ride to a bar where I knew the bartender, ran into an old coworker from 11 years back, talked to a NYC cop about Zuccotti Park, hung out til after dawn, got home in midmorning, and ran into my neihbor on the sidewalk on his way to work, who invited me to a punk show tonight.

    This was the kind of night I needed. One of those random evenings where you feel like you just clicked back into the world, got the right groove, the right rhythm.

    The kind of night that reminds me why I actually like living in this filthy city, and that it's not all turned to plastic and bubblegum like I sometimes fear.
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011
    Don't have a job, can't pay rent next month. Need to find a way to prevent this. That's about all.
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011
    @texture I learned the word from 'Dracula', where it says he was taught the Black Arts at Scholomance, and it was never mentioned again. How do you drop something like that and never revisit it?! I jumped on it, it's mine now, mine mine mine!
  4.  (10397.72)
    Small fry next to what you folks are going through, Texture & Sellme et al... but foxes took our chickens today.

    We've been keeping urban hens for a couple of years now, but the Clifton foxes are extremely cheeky - we lost one last year. Kirsty let the hens out in the morning for a run, they were gone before noon. And just to confirm, we found a fox finishing off some of Ginger-the-hen's tastier parts at dusk. This, of course, happened the day after Kirsty's birthday.

    Helluva fucking year, yes?
    • CommentAuthorMrMonk
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011
    The independent bookstore down the street is closing down.
    Raconteur Books Closing in January

    This place is one of the few attractions in town, and brings customers to the nearby businesses, many of which need it badly.
    The Raconteur
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011 edited
    I was just looking at some posts from a few months back.Bloody hell.I was some ill bastard drenched in sweat tapping in mind-shite after days without sleep.

    Scary and embarrassing.Very.

    One sick,psychotic puppy.

    I went out to get milk this morning after another night of surreal and quite disturbing dreams.The usual.Anyhow,it was raining in the city and i detected lumps of ice in the sky-piss.Here we go.Another couple of months of falling over in the ice,wading through brown slush and people stating the obvious.That it's cold.
    Prove me wrong,nature.I dare you..
  5.  (10397.75)
    @texture - that's rough, really rough.
    @ catvincent - sorry to hear - damn foxes. I have some under my study, and keep getting incredibly paranoid about the kids' guinea pigs - every bloody noise in the night and I'm checking to make sure they're not being horribly murdered.
    @rachael - really great that you had a good night - it's wonderful when something unexpected like that happens, and you just go with the flow and it ends up being incredible. Not that it's happened for a good few years now, but when it does it just leaves you glowing for days.

    @Roo - I imagine dragon guano wouldn't make good fertilizer - it's likely to have lots of heavy metals and other pollutants in it.

    Having quite a rough week. Had been doing so well with beating the latest depression until I got a fucking cold, and that seems to have knocked me back eight damn weeks. Have just lost all ability to focus on anything, struggling to get up, not able to put thoughts together coherently at all and in a monstrously hostile and irritable mood with everyone and everything. I understand what's going on, more or less, but don't seem to be able to reverse it right now, and the longer it goes on the worse it gets and the more agitated it's making me. Now a fair way behind at work and partner is becoming bewildered. Just going to have to try and step back this weekend and attempt to mentally reset. damn and damn and damn and blast.
    • CommentAuthorFlabyo
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011
    I am done for the year, workwise. The best part of a week to myself, then the best part of a week with the folks. Somewhere in there (the 25th) I turn 35 and step over that threshold between 'pretending to still be under 30' and 'hoping no-one thinks im 40'.

    I'm not sure I actually want to go back to where I currently am after the break. But I work in an industry that's being battered hard by the economy, and the relentless brain drain to countries that realise game dev is worth having in their borders. I can totally see myself being washed to Montreal purely because that's where the work is going, rather than any desire to leave the UK.

    I need to either accept that doing what I do means moving abroad or going indie and taking a huge risk. Or facing up to the fact that I've spent my enitre life since graduating doing the wrong thing and somehow finding something else I enjoy.

    It's not a problem on the same scale as anyone else on here, it's all entirely my brain versus my apathy and my neuroses, but I just plain can't decide and that just makes me feel like the most useless man alive.
  6.  (10397.77)
    @Flabyo - we are in the same boat (agewise) my friend. Christmas Eve, I'll turn 35. And I've no idea what I'm doing with my life.
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2011
    Man, I am sir rants-a-lot this week.

    My best friend bailed on her own birthday celebrations tonight, which has given me a chance to A) scour Craigslist for more apartments and B) work on masters applications. I am just about done my Library Science app, except for that whole asking-old-professors-to-vouch-for-your-intelligence-even-though-you-haven't-seen-them-since-before-you-went-crazy-and-abandoned-your-life thing. Woop. I am very hesitantly asking one of the teachers from my night courses this semester. I know I can be an obstinate know-it-all bitch, but maybe she likes my ... enthusiasm? Ugh. Self-promotion. Asking for favours. Power dynamics. Ugh.

    Work today was almost like meditation: I wrote a bunch of stuff for graduate project proposals, figured out a nice way to ask for a reference letter, and otherwise vegged out. Things are slow, and I'm thinking of asking politely if they'd like to give me some days off. I mean money is nice and all, but, fuck, I have more important shit to do right now. But man, that hour thinking about data visualization sure was nice...
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeDec 17th 2011
    I keep thinking about my friend who killed herself a few weeks back.If i wasn't still on a opioid i dare say i would shed a tear.I talked to a friend from Narcotics Anonymous yesterday after a ok meeting.It took place at The Lighthouse,probably the most popular centre in West London for helping people with H.I.V.Yeah,he said he can't come to Shepherds Bush without thinking about her too.So i guess every time a pass the high rise buildings on Bush Green i'm going to think about her.We weren't really that close but in the time i knew her she was a really kind and generous person.It always seems to be the good ones that whack themselves.What's on my mind now is the sick bastard who was fucking with her head.Sociopathic awful git.Supposedly he's using the excuse that it's his disease that made him responsible for his behaviour.I'm not having it.Bloody disease.I don't know how you can come into this world with a disease like that.In the twelve step programme there is a sly,add on step called the thirteenth step which is used to describe the act when addicts get it together sexually.I see it all the time,in men and in women and it always seems to end in shit.This man is eight years clean so what the fuck kind of example is that?

    Still,i got to put my recovery first and i can't change what's happened.If i was stupid enough to hit the creep it would set my nerves on fire and afterwards i may use on it and that would have been the last thing she would have wanted.Plus i bet that's the sort of negative attention a person like him would probably enjoy.

    On the whole i've met some great people from meetings.Defence lawyers,amazing artists,famous musicians,authors etc.but i've also met some downright shallow freaks.Ok,my life has been far from exemplary but i've always had a code of standards.

    It's nearly xmas and i've decided to set my detox up a notch.Being a weirdo i can't think of a better time to try and finish it and assault the new year clean.I hope i can do it as this shit is getting boring.I know i'm going to be dog-sick and all over the shop but it could be a hell of a lot worse.I got support,my flat,a few mates,music,books and comics,a few quid etc.

    It's easy to talk and i'm only human so bear with me,Whitechapel.

    Time for a coffee and back to reading a book.Stay safe all.
      CommentAuthorJay Kay
    • CommentTimeDec 17th 2011 edited
    So yesterday I got my last check from Amazon, but I'm still waiting on word on that other job at Starbucks to get an interview. I was told that they might be accepting applications up until February, so I'm not entirely worried about that, but I am getting a little anxious. Perhaps after the holiday week is over I'll do some job searching on my own.

    Also, we're kinda worried that our pet rabbit is getting sick--one of his eyes were constantly watery last night, so we're going to see if we can find a vet to look at him.