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    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    In regards to the moving back in with family thing, and I really am NOT meaning to sound like a jerk with this...but at least you even got the chance of heading out? I mean...I'm 27 and still haven't moved out. Bills keep destroying my money and the career that I WANT needs to be backed up financially for another career (because even a simple little retail job just isn't gonna do it) which is...really fucking hard to find. I can get that there is a huge sense of shame for both the people who have gone out and had to move back in and the people who have just stayed. It's really hard out there.

    Only big issue going on right now is the Christmas scramble and getting a bit tired of being ignored by my folks. Hard to have a conversation with them about my interests when they just go "mm-hmm" and walk away while I'm in the middle of a sentence. I suppose it is better than what my dad USED to do, which was stop me and say "I'm sorry...I just don't care".
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    Re: patience

    I'm quite possibly the most patient person I know. My main thing is to always keep the one thing going, but do other things while I have to wait, never taking my eye off the prize.
    Sometimes it's easy - like, say, trying to build up a friendship with someone until it can become sexytime relationship. I'm content doing the friend thing, but I'll always be off either adventuring or sleeping with other people or whatever. The key is to have other things going while building up towards that one thing you want. Kind of like tetris, you use all the blocks thrown at you, stacking until you get that one thing you needed and then it's awesome time. You don't just go for the one row of blocks & if it doesn't work out let the whole thing brick up.

    For my career, I'm still in a frustrating place. I'm doing amazing things, but they aren't *mine*. I feel more like a tradesperson, someone who is skilled at a craft but not technically creative. It's the greatest job I've ever held but... I still get people who call me an 'assistant' not an 'artist'. And every once in a while I'll rattle about the things holding me back (I'm not financially stable enough to go it alone, I'm insecure that I'm not even good enough for a solo career, I don't feel organized or well-connected or generally focused enough to be able to launch my career successfully, I'm so good and happy at what I'm doing now that I shouldn't be looking for more out of things) but it's generally one angry night in a long sea of happy nights.

    It's OK, in the long run though. I've only been at this for a couple of years and I'm learning so much that the few times I let my own things shine they have had fucking dazzling results. And so I'll go back to doing my thing, spinning all those other plates but never taking my eye off the big one that's my end goal. Because honestly, I have the entirety of my life to be that artist character I have sketched out in my brain. And considering the average human lifespan, it's only been a few years where I haven't quite been there since I got that crazed idea in my head, but I get closer all the time, bit by bit. You look at most artists and they all tend to say that they've been working at it for years and years before they found their good spot (and that was in a good fucking economy).

    So, just keep at it. You don't become great without putting a lot of time and effort into it.
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    I have the patience of a cat at a laser pointer testing facility, particularly with needing my writing career to take off.

    It's due in large part to my age--I'm 37, and even if I hit it big tomorrow, even if somebody offers me many thousands of dollars to write stories, I'll have less time to enjoy it than had I started fifteen years ago.

    My writing fifteen years ago was shit, but that's neither here nor there.

    About a year ago, I heard Anthony Bourdain say that he works so hard because he's in his fifties, and there are hordes of people younger than him wanting to take what he has away from him. That was a big wake-up call. I'm just getting some momentum, just getting some work ethic, and all that time there have been people younger, faster, smarter, hungrier, and better than me filling up the niches. Taking money away from my mortgage, if you want to look at it that way.

    So yeah, I'm impatient. I'm not getting any younger, and I want to leave this fucking day job behind. I want to support myself with my creativity. Longshot? I have no illusions about that. But if I fail, it won't be through lack of ethic or application.
  1.  (10397.104)
    @Fauxhammer - yes. That's exactly it. Impatience because even if you DO get your momentum now, there's people who've been there for ten years, enjoying it's rewards, getting comfortable in how that world works. I turn 35 in three days, and I've hardly the momentum of a 19 year old.

    I'm pretty much resigned to the idea that I'm probably going to drop out of school. I might go back to it in a year, or maybe 20 years. I can't go to school AND do anything else. I just haven't the oomph to devote to school deadlines AND keep my own life together while being creatively productive (or, I haven't the spare "spoons" to put it in chronically ill jargon). I can hardly keep afloat in school. It's not even that it's intellectually difficult. It's just... stressful for someone as easily distracted as I, and terribly time consuming (and is probably making me more sick). Structured university learning, I feel, can come later, when I'm more tired and resigned to a quiet sedentary life of reflection, and able to be the good soldier that college seems to want me to be. Carving myself a place in the creative landscape has to happen now, while I'm struggling to survive in NYC. Unfortunately, I don't have the ability to juggle both at once like others might.

    I do, at least, have a whole lot of "interesting life" to draw on from my youth, as well as the sense of urgency that I'm running out of time - a kind of desperation that those younger than me aren't likely to possess. When meeting people 5-8 years younger than me, I try to explain this, but can't, because they can't see me as very much older, which I'm not, in the large scheme of things, but really, I am. I am, in the momentum sense.

    I think I'd feel better about this if I'd at least been living large these past ten years. Having death defying tales of adventure and madness. But I don't. Just a handful of sad stories while being sick.
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    I bought "Dad Sold Crack Here" for my wife, if it helps any! I wish I could help more.
  2.  (10397.106)
    .... you did?




    (I only sold seven copies last year. And that was with an endorsement from Ellis. Trust me, that does help. Thank you, thank you, thank you.)
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    Hey, if it's good, it's good! My wife's getting heavily into photography, and she likes seeing what other folk are doing, and I loved the pics.

    What I really want to do, though. I want to start a cartel or something. Get all the creative people I know, send them knocking on the doors of whatever art they want to dominate, and be able to say "No. From now on, you will listen to us." And then have them fucking run rampant and get all the money and Cristal and rentboys and rentgirls they want for life.

    I suck at the practical details, though.
  3.  (10397.108)


    Hello there little sister, born when I was 13 years old. Did I mention that my dad made me stop acting when I was 13 because he thought it was a bad influence on me, while my little sister was given every kind of support and endorsement to be a model since she was 12? yeahhhh.

    Merry fucking Christmas.
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    ...and suddenly I'm hating myself for the cake-filled-lunch we were given here in the office.

    Why did your dad think it was a bad influence?
  4.  (10397.110)
    He told me he thought that I should be spending my time being a kid. He was so vehement about this that when I first told my aunt that my sister had started modeling, my aunt didn't believe me.

    "But he was so against you acting!"

    "Yes, I know."
  5.  (10397.111)
    Aaaand i've dragged myself out of the house to a doctor appointment I'd made online. I got confirmation. My boots slipped on the subway platform and slammed my knee against the ground so hard I nearly cried so now i'm slightly limping on BOTH sides. I rushed to the office, got there just on time, and nobody answered the fucking door. Now I sit in an overpriced cafe with my laptop to see if there are any other doctors available this evening. There are not. tomorrow I'm to speak to the Dean of Students about my whole "hey, i didn't get my books til november, and i wasn't able to catch up in three of my five classes and had to bail on them" thing, and he'd mentioned in email that he might need a doctor's note from me for my recent sickness. Great.

    If I had a script for antibiotics or something I'd consider going to photograph an event this evening, and then going to the swanky M Bar to see a friend play fancy jazz. but instead... it hurts to breathe, and I'm sweating through my sweater dress because it's like 60 degrees and raining. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I went from a fever of nearly 101 degrees, to a non-fever of 97.0 just fourteen hours later. I still have no fever, but my lungs feel like I'm drowning, and sudden movement gives me instant headache (and not the brain swelling back-of-the-head kind).

    new theory: systemic fungal infection. That'd explain my C4 levels being normal but my C5 levels being low. And its a cause of Atypical (walking) Pnemonia. It seems it's common with crappy immune systems.

    goddammit. and now I'm shivering.

    Sorry for ranting so much this month.

    December. It is bad for me.
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011 edited
    And hey, I have new things to talk about. What a day. Ffff...

    So I have a phobia of crowds (a slight offshoot of Agoraphobia) and Christmas...doesn't help that. Wherever I go there are crowds of people just surrounding everything and this causes mini panic attacks or bouts of going to a bar and having a single drink just to calm myself down. So today I decided to go and get a pair of long underwear, since it's getting chilly and my legs have gone numb a few times this week. Only place I knew to get them? The Bay. One of Toronto's biggest department stores.


    So while the people were freaking me out, I was shocked to find that a pair of long underwear here, which I assumed would have been like, $15-$20 was a MINIMUM of $50. I abandon that and decide to look around the shop for a bit, as I secretly want to be kind of stylish (am getting tired of t-shirts and want to branch out a bit more than the two fancy sweaters I own). Nice, simple items of clothing never going under $180. Started to despair over my financial situation. Then looked around at the shoppers. None of the females are anywhere near six feet and at the most are probably in the 120lb range. I suddenly feel like a huge, mutated giant who got in here by mistake. I look for an exit, more people. Everywhere. Finally find something and go in to a quiet alley somewhere and just catch my breath.

    I fucking hate these anxiety attacks. I start focusing on the fear of people and then I find other things to worry about and it gets out of hand. This doesn't happen often (thankfully), but Christmas is usually my time for it.

    This week has been, off and on, doing a good job of breaking me.

    On the plus side I bought a Ghostbusters comic and something fun from my local sex shop.
  6.  (10397.113)
    @oldhat - when next you visit, I should bring you thrift-store shopping with me. I, as a rule, don't spend more than 12 dollars for any item of clothing. Unless it's like... AMAZING.
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011 edited
    That'd be fun. Most thrift stores here end up just having things in size XS.
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    Instead of long underwear, I always just wear a pair of thick tights under my jeans. They're way less money, and if their cute I can wear them with a dress, so they're multi-purpose. Maybe if you want to give that a shot at some point it could be sorta helpful? Still lame about the sizes and anxiety, though.
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    @sellme I've more or less put dating on the backburner because I live with my parents. Just can't face trying to chat up someone new when the chatting up is the best I've got (and really it's rather pathetic). It grinds at me because I miss having someone, an SO, to turn to when I'm stressed out and or just for the relief... It's one of the million things hounding me to get my shit in order as well as one of the million things weighing me down as I stay here.

    @Faux My writing fifteen years ago was shit, but that's neither here nor there. Actually I would think that's part of everything. We can't all come out rock stars and we have improve our game before it can be ready for prime time. I can't speak to my acting - I don't honestly know - but I wasn't ready mentally to be a pro actor (now I'm don't have the discipline) 15 years ago. i do wish it hadn't taken this long to decide to get into voice acting and/or study Japanese, but even 10 years ago I could have poked around at theatres more and asked a few more probing questions about how to fit my chosen art into my life.

    Well... I was talking with someone a couple of days ago about getting into voice acting and how there doesn't seem to be any major One Right Way, but it does seem to me that the Clearly Wrong Way to do it is to never follow through and/or to give up.

    That's the only thing I've learned so far in looking for patience and determination. I'm still pretty restless and frustrated. But giving up is off the table.
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    Posting before oh my god so. self. conscious.

    BEHOLD ME SPEAKING INTO MY COMPUTER. (And, as a result, onto you.)

  7.  (10397.118)
    My local dollar store sells long undies for $7!
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    @oldhat I think that's grounds to bar the doors and start fires. I just bought some long underwear from target for $4 each. It's underpants, ffs!
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2011
    @tedcroland - down here its underpants. In Canada, its LIFE OR DEATH.