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    • CommentTimeFeb 6th 2012

    My mood has taken a godawful nose dive, my focus is shot all to hell, and my self esteem has gone so far down the shitter that it's made friends with the mega-crocodiles that I'm pretty sure inhabit the sewers of Brooklyn. I'm prone to fits of crying if I don't watch myself, and stress zits are popping up left and right. And I feel like I'm doing NOTHING right at my job. And focusing for more than three seconds is tremendously difficult.

    And the singing is still a struggle. Less of a struggle, perhaps, but the strain of re-learning how to sing is tremendously depressing and sometimes I cry. I didn't do much of it at all last week because my mood was being such an awful fuck that I wasn't sure I could really handle the disappointment. (Terrible excuse, I know)

    And I keep grinding my goddamn teeth. This wouldn't be so much of a problem if it weren't for the fact that my mouthguard, to correct teeth grinding, is causing another much more expensive dental problem. More on that once I've gone to a goddamn dentist.

    The HUZZAH!

    As a response to the horrible cloud of doom and gloom that hangs above my head most days, I've become totally militant about going to the gym. It is my medication. I managed to go 4 times last week, and am going for another 4 this week. I would do 5, but I have plans Thursday and Friday. Speaking of those plans....

    The end of this week will mark 4 years with the boy. This is a wonderful, good, fantastic thing that is still wonderful, good, and fantastic.

    The tasty, tasty applesauce:

    @Morac, hang the fuck in there, dude. I can definitely sympathize. Try to remember that your mood is not something you can control, and that it won't respond logically to happy things. It could even take the happy things that happen and use them as an excuse to not feel good. Regardless, not your fault, but you can do some stuff to try and offset the depression. Try setting really small goals for yourself writing-wise. Get some exercise every day. Hell, make sure you take a shower every day. It sounds like a little thing but basic hygiene is totally something to be proud of. Anything you can do to disturb the cycle. I'm not asking you to break it completely, just offset it a little bit.

    (You probably know all this already, but sometimes it's nice to hear it from someone else)
  1.  (10479.22)
    The Boo: The depression has been a bit of a bitch lately. Also, I've been really tired lately. Just about everything else that is a bummer is related to those two.

    The Huzzah: I am going to go on a date! At a coffeeshop. Considering the rarity of this sort of stuff, very happy times indeed. Also, did some cooking today and made some delish Aloo Gosht Curry (Meat and Potato). Granted, I used pork, so part of me is very weirded out (the recipe is from Pakistan), but it's still super tasty and I've got portioned out leftover, Yay food!

    The Applause:
    @Nelzbub: Best of luck with the coffeeshop. I'm looking forward to hearing how things go.

    @Fishelle: I have to admit my brain broke for a moment when you mentioned that it wasn't the first time that happened with the photographer. I've never even thought about that sort of stuff before. Huh. Also, major hugs about the drama you have to deal with from your parents. That's ... yeah... really not cool.

    @Oldhat: Awww the self-image/etc stuff is so... not fun. Been there a lot myself. *hugs*

    @Beamish: I don't envy you, keep up the good fight. Also, kick ass on the weight loss!

    @allana: Are there going to be photos of the apartment? It sounds exciting and very cool. My bedroom is also a disaster, which I will have to fix at some point, as apparently guys actually notice if they are messy.

    @texture: SARS. Damn. But all the other stuff is super cool! Yay!

    @razrangel: *hugs* You can do it!

    @everyone else: Hugs, y'all are awesome, and I might get around to responding to most of you when my brain meats recover. I think. But I'm still reading and thinking y'all are awesome.
  2.  (10479.23)
    El Boo: Like seemingly so many of you folks, I too have been stricken with teh depression lately. Last week saw a three-month relationship circle the drain on the same day as I finished a project (see, Huzzah), thus triggering artistic post-partum. We call that the one-two punch here in the States.

    Le Huzzah: Handed off the script to a project I've been developing since last summer. Ultrasylvania is being illustrated by eleven different artists, and the initial artwork I've seen knocks me aback. We were all assembled in a room filled with Cintiqs on Friday and... I felt... so fortunate.

    Mmm... Applesauce:

    @dorkmuffin: Awesome on the gym front. Keep it up!

    @trini_naenae: Yay on the date!

    @everyone-with-the-depression: Speaking for myself, these things come in waves and are transient. It's reminding myself of such that gets me through. If you're less fortunate, if you live with depression everyday, just remember that there ARE people out there that love you and care for you. Everyone means something to at least one other person. Never forget it.
    • CommentTimeFeb 7th 2012
    Y'know, Mister Carpenter, you should really hire me as an au pair, the fix-it-y type. Not that I know anything about roof repair, but I could learn. I'm certainly good for Children's Bodyguard stuff. (And god knows, given the pictures you've posted, I'd love to be wherever you are.)
    Seriously, though, living out of boxes is probably worse than living in a state of general disrepair. I'm lucky that I'm unemployed and have all this free time to root around in my toolbox (and in the yard -- spent three hours doing garden upkeep yesterday. In Canada. In February. Zomg), but even if stuff was still busted and gross I'd have unpacked and tried to make myself at home. I'd tackle the boxes, and your partner's refusal, before anything else.

    Renee, yeah, pictures should be in order (except the one thing I haven't done is paint anything, so everything's a really awful colour right now). And you don't have to worry too much about messy spaces intersecting with boys -- they really only notice dirty underwear and crumbs in the sheets. Most times not even that. Just clear a path to the bed and you're set.
  3.  (10479.25)

    Tell me more... pictures of rings, how much they'd be, etc. I'm thinkin about it...

    email me? agentyoung at
  4.  (10479.26)

    @nelzbub - Christ. I hope things go well with the health of those around you. Those are both big bitches of things to deal with. Regarding the Lyme Disease, there are websites that are devoted to finding Lyme Literate Doctors, because it can be terribly tricky to blast the evil out of your system, and there are a lot of cases of people just taking a few weeks of antibiotics and then left to deal with the remaining infection without any medical support.

    @Oldhat - Your drunkard wrangling skills are unparalleled.

    @Fishelle - I think Allana's anonymous blog idea is a wonderful one!

    @JP Carpenter - I think Allana is also right about getting your shit out of boxes. Environment has a HUGE effect on the brain and mood. CLEAR THE CLUTTER! Go go go go!

    @dorkmuffin - I understand entirely. Having to retrain my eyes and hands to work, getting angry at the world because I should be SO MUCH BETTER, and that if my goddamn body would just listen to my brain, I'd be fucking fabulous by now, well, yeah, its frustrating as hell. For a long time, every time I sat down to draw, I'd cry. But you've got to start somewhere, y'know? And even though you aren't at the point you SHOULD be, you do know that you are still better at singing than most, right? All the effort and joy you've poured into your art does still show, even if your body is fucking with you.

    The BOO:

    Everything SEEMED to be going well. I had a boy. I was financially on top of things. I discovered that the fancy hospital I've been trying to get to for nearly a decade (and which doesn't take ANY insurance plans for the expensive surgeries I need) DOES in fact only take Medicare, which I would start being covered under starting February.

    And then, in two weeks time:

    The boy started avoiding me (after I got drunk and told him about the brain surgery I'd need, I think), and has continued to do so without explanation for weeks.

    My apartment got bedbugs and I was the blood host of choice, my ankles got raw from scratching, a great percentage of my clothes were ruined by being roasted in the drier to kill the bugs, my bed and boxspring were thrown out, my lovely 1972 striped brown velour sectional couch was dumped on the street, my back is in constant severe pain from sleeping on an air mattress, and basically all the work I'd put forth in the year I'd lived here to make this a nice place was dashed in a few days of gutting and cleaning.

    I was ignored by a roommate who first waited to the last minute and then thought it necessary to take hours-long television breaks and naps when we had hours before the exterminators arrived, and didn't manage to complete basic tasks like removing rug or curtains in time for their arrival. By day TWO of exterminators arriving, and said roommate STILL not bothering to do anything unfinished from the previous day, I got quite angry and yelled a lot, and in doing so, it's been decided that I have to find another place to live. This isn't such a bad thing in itself, as my brain feels really fucked with when I'm lied to or dismissed regularly, and I should probably live with people who are more adult and respectfully clean in lifestyle. However, I have to make sure I have no bedbugs before I can move, and it's the lax attitude of my roommate towards the bedbug eradication process that caused me to be so upset in the first place.

    Said roommate also managed to lose my rent check two months ago, and then didn't deposit last month's two-month rent until less than a week before rent was due again this month, which has left me suddenly about $900 more poor than I thought. My own fault for not keeping on top of my transactions, but WOW that seriously sucks. After rent, I've got less than $50 to my name for the entirety of the month. That last $900 was supposed to be my "rent buffer".

    Also, it turns out that Medicare, the medical coverage they give to me because I am on Disability, is paid for by taking money out of my monthly Disability payments. So I've got even less to live on than I'd thought, and I've no idea how I'm going to stash away enough money to move, how long that will take, or where I will end up.

    Just to get on the WAIT LIST for subsidied housing (which can take 10 or more years to get finally called) is impossible in most places. Many districts have just closed the wait list for years, because there are too many people still waiting. I called a dozen different disctricts in New Jersey, and none of the lists are open. There is low income housing in NYC, but they have minimum income requirements, and I am too poor to qualify. I tried to see if I could get more financial assistance, but the govt only considers the gross amount I'm getting on Disability, not taking into consideration the amount they take back out for my medical.

    Yeah, so just about everything that I thought I had going for me in January immediately went to shit.

    (sorry. that was a pretty long bitch-list, even for me. thanks for letting me rant for a bit. )


    I might have some places to move, either temporarily, or on a more permanent basis.

    I do have some checks coming to me from some freelance work.

    The bedbugs have forced me to severely thin out my belongings, which makes moving easier.

    I seem to have some friends I hadn't expected, which is a nice suprise.

    I am going to see Die Antwoord this weekend as my birthday/christmas present from my best friend.

    Without the couch in the apartment, and with my own strike on being the only cleaning person of the apartment, the livingroom has become a chaos shitpile where I can now stick my easel and (hopefully) paint during the day with total impunity, and enjoy the free time that I now have with principle keeping me from wanting to clean up the common spaces, and being too broke to feel guilty for not going out and doing things in Manhattan.

    The vibe in the apartment is actually rather friendly and we are all getting along. Perhaps it was a storm cloud that had to break.

    Even though this month has been seriously of the suck, I'm not actually doing so bad in the head. I think some of that has to do with feeling that there are people in the world who... like me. Having friends, even superficial ones you don't know well, really goes a long way.
  5.  (10479.27)
    @goverment spy- shoot me an email at will give you the details ect.
  6.  (10479.28)
    What the hell, I'll play.

    THE BOO: Forced unemployment. The government's dragging its goddamned feet with my immigration, so I can't legally work in Canada.

    THE HUZZAH: Broke through a pretty severe artist's block a couple of weeks ago, and now I'm a couple of weeks away from completing the best work of my career.

    SWEET SWEET APPLESAUCE: Here are some positive vibes for everyone dealing with the depression:

      CommentAuthorCameron C.
    • CommentTimeFeb 7th 2012
    BOO: My neighbor is sick. The other night she called my fathers girlfriend, a nurse, and her and my father came over to the apartment complex to get her. She couldn't even get down the stairs and could barely speak. There was stuff in her lungs, a LOT of liquid. I visited her in the hospital today and she seemed significantly better. However, she might have breast cancer. As it turns out, she might have had it for a few years now and instead of doing ANYTHING she turned to BS herbal stuff. Just a few hours ago I was with my dad and his girlfriend in the neighbors apartment. It was a mess. Dozens of filthy dishes, piles of trash and stacks of old magazines and things like that. She has no kids, just a sister. I've known her for 15 years.

    HUZZAH: School starts next week. I'm pretty excited, though I'm taking fourteen freaking units. But I'm looking forward to all the classes and I don't think it'll be too much. I've got three confirmed people to doodle stories for me, to be collected in a Scrambled Circuits issue this year. I'm waiting to hear back from a couple others, but I'm already looking for some other options, in case those fall through. I'm finishing up getting the stories ready to give to them to doodle and I'm terribly excited. Two people from Whitechapel, even. I'm determined to make this the absolute best it can possibly be D:< I've got a few hundred to spend in textbooks, another 65 for a parking permit, and some other BS bills to pay, so I wish I was able to pay the artists more than I am. But it's all one big giant motherfucking huzzah B) My little brother started working again this week, too, after about two months of not being able to because of his car door/hand injury. He can't seem to get the disability he is owed ~_~ but, at least, he is able to work again! And he has a new car, after his last one was destroyed in a wreck (A week before his hand injury >< ) and he's only six hundred in debt after all that.

    @Rootfireembers: but we luv you :D
    @greasemonkey: OMG EYE BEACH BALL THINGS O___O
    @Brian Schirmer: Ultrasylvania sounds freaking cool, hope to one day see it (or just a room with a dozen artists armed with cintiqs...)
    • CommentTimeFeb 8th 2012 edited
    @ concerned people - Thanks, I don't really have SARS! I just get really fucking bad chest infections three times a year because I am an asthmatic and a heavy smoker. So it's self inflicted... and I do not deserve your sympathy.

    MORE YEE-HA: Been reading submissions for the new Weaponizer Magazine all day, and hot damn, there are some talented people on this forum! It's such a privelege to read stuff before anyone else does... I feel like I have the cheat-codes to the fiction-verse.
    • CommentTimeFeb 8th 2012
    MOAR BOO: I am about to go blind of a headache.

    MO' HUZZAH: I'm feeling more and more certain--absolutely certain--that 2K12 is my year. My fucking year.

    MORE APPLESARS: @texture: I cannot wait to read this magazine. Even were I not in the magazine, I would lay down many quids for the pleasure.
    • CommentTimeFeb 8th 2012
    Delicious Applause:
    I just moused over your name in order to copy and paste your correct spelling and I gotta say: Your user pic is very alluring! Bangs and wonderful composition and color palette! Also, Make sure to get good and heady for the Die Antwort concert and suck all the energy you can from that fucking show. Just try and bleed the audience and the band dry! (it's why they preform, afterall) I know when I get beat on a lot (like it sounds you have), sponging greedily off places of infinite energy is a great pick me up. [sorry if this sounds mad]

    You Ship to the U.S. ?

    Whenever I hear this song:
    I think of you. It makes me miss living off the canal in Leamington Spa, and all the wooden back alleys I'd run shitlessly through on my way to friend's houses back way when.
  7.  (10479.33)
    @Allana, Rae - ha ha - child bodyguard/au pair would be great, think you'd be a great role model! We have a bit of a circular logic problem with the clutter - it doesn't get dealt with because there's nowhere for it to go, there's nowhere for it to go because it exists and is taking up all the room. Most if it isn't mine - I dealt with all of my stuff within two weeks of moving, but she seems to deal with it at a rate of one box a month, if it's a good month, and as it's not mine she won't even let me touch the boxes in case I break something in them... We'll get there in the end, I just have periodic Basil Fawlty style rants about it and then just blank it again for a while.
    • CommentTimeFeb 8th 2012

    @Anchorbeard and @The Dorky One: Thanks for the thoughts, guys. They actually helped a fair bit. I've been dealing with depression off and on for a number of years, but even so it always helps to have someone say "Buck up, soldier. You'll get through this". Your words have been in the back of my mind all week.


    Still haven't heard back from the Microsoft, who I sent my resume to exactly one week ago. They're opening a game studio here in Victoria, and I would really like to work for them. I'm not entirely sure what a good timeframe would be for sending out a follow-up email. Also, the usual set of hypochondriac worries, but that's nothing unusual.


    Finally on the upswing from the depressions. Video game development is continuing at a reasonable pace, and I still love doing this. We've managed to get the game to a reasonably playable state, which is awesome. Preliminary (and very crude) playtesting is suggesting that the really enjoyable part of what we have made really isn't what we thought it would be originally. I'm having to re-evaluate the work I am doing, but overall the game is going to be better because of it.
    • CommentTimeFeb 9th 2012
    @Fauxhammer - cheers mate. Good news is the unit price will be lower than last time. In the region of £5.

    @phill_sea - considering a couple of options for US orders, including parallel uploading to an American POD comics site, or uploading to MagCloud (which would, unfortunately, up the cover price), and just hand-mailing them myself from the UK... either way I want to keep the price plus shipping for US orders under $15... will have more concrete info next month
    • CommentTimeFeb 9th 2012
    El Malo
    I switched software companies at the end of last year and started an ill-fated stab at being a systems analyst at the request of a former coworker turned successful CEO. The client was less than happy with my efforts and replaced me after a little over three months. My boss assured me that I still had a job and I've been working on learning some automated QA systems and doing odds and ends kinda things ever since. It's been a month and my actual job definition is still in limbo. This has provided me with a constant low- to medium-level anxiety, which in turn feeds my depression when it rears it's head. It's wearing me down. (The number of people here suffering from depression is reassuring and a tad frightening.)

    El Bueno
    My family and I are happy and healthy. I'm exercising regularly, which helps stave off the anxiety and depression a bit.
    I do still have a job and am being paid; including benefits.
    I've even been drawing again for the first time in ages (on my Toshiba Thrive in Photoshop Touch). Cartoony robots mostly, in case you were curious.
    I bought a sweet print from Robin/Oldhat for my girlfriend for Horny Werewolf Day.
    I'm going to to PAX Prime this year with some great friends (my first convention of any kind!) and hope to have a Whitechapel crossover event with Morac and anyone else who's going).

    Salsa de manzanas
    @All of us with the Depressions - It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone in this. Cliched, yes, but helpful all the same.

    @dorkmuffin - OMFG! Your fella is wearing a Yob shirt! I love Yob. They're local fellas and just opened for Tool.
  8.  (10479.37)
    @allana: Bummer about the walls. Regardless, exciting times! Good to know the male half of the population is forgiving about room tidiness as long as they can get to my bed. :)
    • CommentTimeFeb 10th 2012
    HE IS! We saw them in July when they came through New York. It was awesome!
    • CommentAuthorPooka
    • CommentTimeFeb 11th 2012

    My truck is kinda messed up so I haven't been able to leave the house without someone's help. It's very frustrating because I only have two friends with cars and one of them is my assish dj friend, who rarely has time to help, and the other lives on the other side of town. i hate having to depend on someone else...the lack of sunlight and exercise is telling on my health. I had to give up all acidic and spicy food and drink..ends up the GERDs that comes with my disease has damaged the little muscle that keeps the stomach acid where it needs to be. I've been living with constant heartburn for weeks now, and until i get my disability pushed through, i probably won't be able to get the procedure done to get it fixed. the arthritis has gotten really shitty too. the pain is making me bitter and upset easily...
    i've been feeling very lonely lately. i met a girl online through business relations and found out she lives close. She was going to get all artsy with me yesterday but canceled because of the snow we got. i was pretty disappointed. she's quite talented and beautiful, and has great taste in music and videogames heh...
    i hope that she'll come over to visit soon. i'd like some pleasant company. last night my dj friend brought over a female friend of ours who was turning eighteen that night. it was an okay time hanging out and talking nerd stuff like we do, but the dj ended up making a few offhanded remarks that set me off and i ended up barely sleeping last night...a couple hours i guess...

    The Big Ol' HUZZAAAHHH!
    I finally got my show put together and it seems like it''s going to be a pretty good time. I have an amazing list of artists involved. I'm just gonna put these...riiiiiight here:

    Craig Boldman:

    Billy Boyd

    Ray Coffman

    Nicolas Floyd

    JD Hazro (he hasn't supplied me with an art site yet but he's a very talented tattoo artist and friend of mine)


    Kenn Minter:

    Stevie Moore:

    Raymond Casper Mueller (wonderful graffiti artist with a big heart. he's donating almost everything from the show to our charity)

    Geoff Murphy:

    Joseph Napier (extremely talented fella i've known for around ten years now. he married one of my best friend's mom's )

    Ashley E. Sporing

    Jared Stacy:

    Dick Starr:

    Billy Tackett: (I'm proud that I hosted one of Billy Tackett's first shows, and since I've met him he's attended every show i've put together for the last six or seven year. :)

    Tim Tyler:

    Stephen Vickers:

    Sal Villagran:

    Scottie Watson:

    yeaaaah...I love these guys. a lot of them I've known for years and some are new contacts. I am really pleased by the range of talents I've gathered together. i hope that posting this here will help get them a little attention :).
    I can't wait until march...I'll get to watch some really talented folks create (which will be an awesome learning experience for me), people will be having fun because of my efforts, and that makes me we'll be coming together to earn some cash for the american cancer society. My dj is warming up to the idea of the show. he still refuses to do a full stage show for most of the event, but he's doing the mc work and the auctioning..also said he'd dj an afterparty if i could get the bar's side room for it (thankgod i don't have to do any mic work..i hate speaking in public)
    So I had to speak in public the other night lol...after months of being fairly hermitish, I was whisked off to a magazine staff's meeting to do a little presentation I was not remotely ready for in front of a crowd of graphic design artists. They claim I did a fine job. my dj, who accompanied me and bailed me out when I felt I had floundered, made fun of me for being a socially awkward event organizer. He doesn't get that I put the shows on to promote others, not myself...heh, but I was happy for the chance. they featured my event in their magazine! yayness!
    After my show, I have another one the weekend following, which is a big toy and comic con that a friend of my husband's and ex business partner is putting together. I don't like the guy very much but i do want to make money, so we're signed up for two tables. A number of weeks after that it's off to Botcon in texas. Not as vendors officially but we always take a few tubs of toys to sell while we're there, and we always end up selling all of it. It will be a blast. an absolute blast...about a month after that i'm signed up to be an art vendor at a pagany gathering my old friends are throwing. that as well should be fun, if i can find someone to assist me...
    @oldhat tea tree oil three times a day with a hypoallergenic moisturizer may help the psoriasis. I have it too pretty bad and that seems to help.
    @everyone with depression SUNLIGHT! this miserable winter weather is what is bringing a lot of us down. we're not getting enough vitamin D. it's kind of a silly notion but we should all either get a sun lamp or spend the cash on a tanning bed visit now and then in the winter. there's a number of health (both mental and physical) that are helped by a small dose of uv.
    @morac videogame? I am eager to learn more...
  9.  (10479.40)