Not signed in (Sign In)
    • CommentTimeMar 22nd 2012
    @Bob I think I got a little something in my reading your update. *sniffle* just a little hayfever, I guess. Go on and make your biological imperative proud, good sir.

    Soo... my shit. Reordering for my own editing ends.
    THE OH HELL YES, THAT'S WHY CHEWED OFF THE RESTRAINTS THIS MORNING! Something has got me this week that's making me try. Try like a motherfucker. It's kind of amazing because there have been setbacks and unforeseen costs aplenty, but they've barely made me slow down. There was a moment of stupid fever-like depression. Coming on suddenly, giving me the shakes and making sure I can't trust my own mind. But as soon as I could press on I did. Have now hit the gym twice this week and have plans to meet a trainer for another go 'round tomorrow, making it three times. Got in a private coaching that smacked me around some and let me know just how much work I have to do AND that I still want it, oh how I still want it. Hungry. Yes. Driven... aw yeah. Flubbed a bunch of Japanese stuff in class and it just made me turn around and study more. I'm going to get this bitch down. Heading in to production on a new play. Resources have foiled me for getting it done, but I push on. I will make the world bend to my will, that I might get shit done.

    THE FUCK YOU TOO, UNIVERSE. Stepping out of my comfort zone is already tough enough, when it also carries a price tag that just seems to be salt in the wounds. The horizon is looking pretty fucking costly and that's JUST to get my career going. WTF. I have to spend so much money so I can have a chance at making money? (And so, the life of a freelancer.) But that's how it is. Moving on from where I am - I have to do it. ARGH. But extra coaching costs money. And my car insurance has gone up by a third. And gas prices keep jumping. And when I wrap up Japanese 204 I'm looking at either private classes somewhere or begging one of the local University of California campuses to let me in - and then pay through the nose for their classes. I don't know how much it is per unit right now, but people have been protesting/occupying UC Berkley for months because of the jacked up rates. (also my only choices are Irvine and UCLA, neither of which are palatable to me)

    Fuck. I just don't know how I'll make there be the money. My mom has been helping me out but she budgeted much less than what I'm looking at now - because I told her to. Just... ARgh.

    THE CHEERING SECTION Um... Bob you are a beautiful human creature. Your issue should cover the earth until we lesser mortals are extinguished. Err.. Or suchlike. JT... *hugs* That's all I got. Because the world is stupid but my arms are strong.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2012

    The Crap: Shit, Whitechapel, I need to moan. I've been through some bad times in my life, but recently things have been torture. My mental and physical health have demolished me to the point where i've been almost unable to get out of bed. I've been isolating myself as reality and life in general are either dull and pointless or just a surreal nightmare.

    I guess it's a combination of getting old, recovering from a life of using, and momma-nature having a good fooking laugh.It's not the despair I can't's the hope! I can resign myself to the fact that i'm damaged and accept that i'm bound to feel awful. Strangely enough, doing this gives a bit of comfort. But when i get a bit of get-up-and-go and try to do something, only to end up a quivering wreck in the street, well, that would destroy anyone. I don't care what anyone i know or have contact with says. I've packed in the voluntary work I was doing at the treatment centre as their negative, bitchy, unreal attitude around addiction was sapping me dry.

    Seriously, if i listened to my key-worker's suggestions i would never have gotten off the methadone. Supposedly, things where meant to be changing with the services provided: they were meant to be orientated more around recovery and less around keeping people on maintenance but it's all been nothing but a load of lip-service.
    Sigh...I'm looking forward to being done with with them and to just leave them to their constipated ways.

    The Not Crap: I'm not using, still reducing the Subutex, and i'm feeling a bit stronger BUT i can't afford to get complacent. If i can just accept the hell i'm in and not act out on it then, hopefully, things may get better. Shit, it's the best i can do. Unfortunately, i'm only human.

    The Not Crap At All: Good to read your last post, Bob.

    Raz: Glad you didn't succumb to the fever of depression. It is a stoopid vorld!
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2012
    Hang in there, Flecky. Hang in there, everyone.
  1.  (10561.44)
    This - THIS - is Whitechapel at its best.

    Bob, Flecky, and all you others in need: you ain't alone.
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2012
    True dat, Boss.
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2012

    In the immediate now, my boyfriend watched a man get pushed in front of a train earlier tonight. It's totally fucked up, but in some way I feel like he's going through some really horrible New York City rite of passage. It's actually pretty horrifying to think about.

    My mood is stupid. All the goddamn time. And I don't fucking sleep well.


    It was nice out? I guess?


    The Clapclapclapclapclap(on the back? With hugs?)

    Of course, Flecky and Bob. @Technocrat, I hope you're doing alright. Echoing previously posted sentiments, but hang int here and take your time. Grieve in your own way.

    Seriously. Hugs all around.
    • CommentTimeMar 23rd 2012 edited
    Still recovering from cold and not feeling good about it. Hot and cold flashes. Bah. ALSO! I have an ear infection with a cause that the doctor is unsure about. But she gave me a prescription for some eardrops. Which I found out from the Pharmacy have been discontinued. And after two calls to the clinic to get them to give my pharmacy an alternate medication ALONG with the pharmacy themselves calling, they haven't done anything. So here I am. Working in the Canadian music industry on CANADIAN MUSIC WEEK and I can't fucking listening to music because I have a stabbing pain in my ear drum.

    And brain tumor news. Ha! That whole thing. Fun times in a medical sense.

    Also got in to a bit of a FemRage about something. If I feel up to it I'll post more in the blog section but generally I'm...I'm just fucking sick of these "Wha? WOMEN in the _______ Industry?? CRAZY!" articles. Mainly set off by an article involving female brewers. I'm just...I feel that recognition of women in particular industries is important but not surprise that they are in that industry in the first place, you know? And to have those "OMG women doing stuff" articles written by women just bugs me a bit more. I went in to a long rant about it on twitter. I think all the things going on led to me going off the handle with that, but just...fucking sick of it.

    Alan will be in Toronto soon. Am thrilled about that.

    The doctor, sympathetic that I have no drug plan (that's right, Americans, us CRAZY COMMIES only get the doctor appointment for free, not the medication prescribed) I got a free bottle of about 50 Ibuprofens to ingest for a week to help the pain in my ear.

    I (or I should say The Thirsty Wench) have been invited as a special guest to a beer pairing dinner. Some of the dishes will be: Beet salad with orange goat cheese & Belgian endives with Fruli and Stiegl Radler dressing, Belgian poutine with Delirium Tremens, miso gravy and cheese curds and Beer braised beef short ribs in Affligem Abbey Ale. It's a $100 event and I'm thrilled that I've been invited to attend for free all because one of the people leading this dinner reads my blog.

    Looks like I'll be leading a round table teaching...thing on music publishing in a conference in LA next month. Will try not to embrace my Charles Bukowski Barfly mode (which I have vowed to do at least once in honour of the man) for that.

    Wow, looks like I'll be seeing a LOT of Whitechapel folk at C2E2 in about three weeks! AND I'll be meeting Erik Burnham! The ONE writer for the Ghostbusters comic that actually seems to fucking GET the characters and this setting. Seriously, check that comic out. The cartoony art takes some getting used to, but the writing is freakin' SOLID. If you're a trade hunter, the first one is out now and I fully suggest getting it. GO.

    @Dork, was that the L line? Oddly I think even I heard about sorry that your boyfriend went through that experience. And I hope the person who did the pushing got tackled and arrested.

    @Bob, Glad to hear that bit by bit things are getting better. Once again, I know I'm miles and miles away but if there's ANYTHING I can do, let me know.
      CommentAuthorPaul Sizer
    • CommentTimeMar 24th 2012
    Kind of selfish on this one, but my adjusted job at the university has made me have way less time for creative stuff on my own, as evidenced by you all not seeing me around here as much. Pretty insignificant in the scheme of things, and only temporary, so shut up Sizer, and quit yer bitchin.

    Seeing so many people really open up on this thread. It's good practice to see other people talk and share how they go through the less awesome parts of life. It's also good to remember to be thankful when so many things go right. This place is still a really vibrant community, and I thank all who keep it alive and pumping.

    Next week, get to take the wife to NYC to see Thomas Dolby in concert and wear the backstage passes I designed and sit in the TIME CAPSULE trailer that I visualized. The crowd at this show is going to be an insane mix of cool and weird, and I cannot wait to dive in. Plus; I get to show the wife how to PROPERLY see the city and go to cool places.
    • CommentTimeMar 24th 2012
    @Oldhat, yep. Guy hasn't been caught yet. Apparently the guy who got pushed was just some college kid or something and a drunk guy decided to start a fight with him.
    • CommentTimeMar 24th 2012
    @dork Yeesh...that's horrible. And when I heard about it it was someone making suicide jokes and being annoyed that a jumper ruined their night. If only they knew, I suppose...
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMar 24th 2012 edited
    @ dorkmuffin: I thought the same as oldhat and hope this person is apprehended. It's horrible, that. I can imagine how your boyfriend is feeling as i've been witness to some atrocities through living in a busy city. In some ways it's more distressing when it's something you couldn't have helped to avert or maybe jumped in to prevent.

    Hoping your sleep gets better, too.
  2.  (10561.52)
    The Dark Depths of the Soul

    Can't look at the news without becoming insanely angry and disgusted. Every headline seems dismal, the poor get poorer, the rich get richer. I don't think I've ever been so cynical and bitter about our 'leaders', not even in the dog days of the Thatcher/Major administrations. I'm in quite a foul mood, and a lot of things are annoying the fuck out of me.

    The Light at the End Of The Tunnel.

    This doesn't fit in either Boo or Huzzah, but my partner would have been due today with the baby she lost in September. She'd been dreading today. We've planted a rose in the spot where she buried it, in the garden, and placed a solar light there. I don't know, it kind of makes me really uncomfortable to dwell on it like this, I'm just a total mess of conflicting emotions about the whole thing, I handled it all so damn badly and it just throws my failings as a person into sharp relief. But it helps her. @Bob - I've shed a few tears for you today, it's just awful that you've had to go through this and I hope you can both stay strong through it.

    I have a week off work, am regrouping and recovering, trying to work on the garden and on my music and photography. Just a sorting out week. Have my last CBT session on Tues, go through my recovery and relapse plan... really want to try hard to keep on an even keel for a while and hopefully come off medication fully at some point. And the weather's beautiful, and things are beginning to flower. That's good to see. Am meeting my grandfather for coffee tomorrow, I don't see nearly enough of him, and especially not on his own - his wife (my grandmother died in 1979) is a very formidable lady, and tends to take over when they're together.

    The Egging On

    @Dorkmuffin - that sucks, hope they catch the bastard. @Oldhat - have a great time with Alan and hope your ailments get better.
    @Flecky - keep hanging in there, that you're still standing means something.

    I'm off for a hot bath, make myself look good, then might go shopping for Fine Cheese.
  3.  (10561.53)
    @Oldhat - I get caught up due to train deaths usually once a week. People always make that joke, and it's damn heartless - every fatality was a person, and every one of them means someone who won't come home, will be mourned and missed. Yes, it fucks up your commute/evening, but for christ's sake have some fucking humanity.
    • CommentTimeMar 24th 2012
    Weirdly, NYC has had an unusual number of train deaths in recent weeks.
  4.  (10561.55)
    @at the everyones- my goodness this seems to be a pretty shit month for a lot of us here :( I want to give Internet hugs to all of you and make you all yummy Pho and good tea
    @Flecky you kick the worlds ass, I'm aware it is trying to shit on you while you do it man- but keep kicking it hard with big boots. You have gotten this far it is an hard won accomplishment but it means you better than all that fucked up garbage weighing you down.
    @old hat- the fem-rage reminds me of the whole women are the weaker of the species bullshit. I've always said to those who think women are weak, come here let me show you how weak I am with my foot up your ass. I agree with how stupid pointing out the whole women are actually interested in this thing? idiocy. I've worked in several male dominated work places where I was literally the only woman there and enjoyed showing up the new guys who had the mentality of "oh let me help you with that" moving around and just doing my job at them ;)

    The woot: I have a house to move into that I"m unhealthy excited about decorating tho I have to wait an entire month to do so. So I'm spending that time cramming my brain with how I exactly want the house. The kitchen is HUGE which I fell in love with when I first walked in. There is still the outline of an old hearth there that they just put the stove right into it- looks so neat.
    The job is going well, things seem to be amicable with the was-band (he decided he likes that much more than ex-husband) He is helping me get a refrigerator for the new place (you figured if you rent there would be a fridge apparently having to get your own is not uncommon this is new to me.....) and a washer and dryer. So we shall see how that all works out.

    The oh noes: Not sleeping at all, people keep harassing me to find out what happed with the whole thing "OMG you two seemed oh so very perfect and happy oh gods no- you didn't try and fix it well enough ect ect" Other people trying to lend and ear "if you need someone to talk to!" just to find out what happened. Some of my friends are genuine others are just being annoying. Other friends are suggesting and saying things to me that glaringly point out how very little they know me..... I'm a lot better when those who do know me just let me know "i'm not going to ask what happed but if you need anything I'm here- and do you need help moving" because knowing me well this is a situation where I'd very much want to be left alone about and am not in the mood be bugged. On the note of being bugged, it now seems the time where everyone is crawling out of the fucking wood work to ask me out on a fucking date..... seriously that is just tacky! I don't think it's been two weeks since it became fully widely known. I had one "friend" RIGHT after I told him he called me back up and asked me out on a date. Give me a little space you weird fuckers.... *sigh* Slightly random and i think somewhat unrelated. I've been told yet again I'm very intimidating- I'm rather on about this. I completely and honestly don't know why and people's explanations leave me more puzzled. It has been said a lot.... For the most part I consider myself very self aware and this is not an aspect I see about myself no matter from what angle I take it from. I think the reason it bothers me so is I am not really sure what behavior in me is causing people to see me that way. :/
      CommentAuthorPaul Sizer
    • CommentTimeMar 25th 2012 edited
    I've been told yet again I'm very intimidating- I'm rather on about this. I completely and honestly don't know why and people's explanations leave me more puzzled. It has been said a lot.... For the most part I consider myself very self aware and this is not an aspect I see about myself no matter from what angle I take it from. I think the reason it bothers me so is I am not really sure what behavior in me is causing people to see me that way. :/

    My un-educated guess: you are a very distinct and visually impactful person (translation: you're really pretty) and lots of times people assign some level of dominance to that. It's true for both male and female, in my experience. I've often assigned my being hesitant to interact with someone based on the fact that they look really good, and therefor must be supremely confident and have no worries and certainly must have no time to mess with or tolerate me. Which when you say it out loud like that reveals the problem; the problem lies with the viewer, not the person that they think is intimidating.

    So, two ways to deal with that; 1. don't worry about it, and 2. don't feed into it.
    Having never met you face to face, I can at least infer from your writings here that you are a pretty engaging and gregarious person, very outgoing, the one who starts conversations, isn't afraid to laugh loudly and will swear if required. All great traits; don't lose any of them. But if you are worried about people being intimidated by you, think about stealing some thunder away from that pre-conception, give people a hook to get involved with you when they meet you, practice low levels of self-deprecating humor. I'm the biggest creampuff you'll ever meet, but I also realize that talking to big 6'-3" bald guy in black may not be the easiest if you don't know me, so I always steal the thunder and give someone a topic to talk about to me ("Man, this kilt is a godsend in this heat.", "Wow, could they make this airplane seat smaller?" "Does this bald head make my ass look big?"). I stopped running myself down too much years ago, but a low level of humbling yourself to a person that you just met can be a great way to engage them and figure out how they communicate best, which is the biggest way to put the kibosh on someone feeling intimidated.

    Just my 2 nickels, Bunny. Thanks for sharing.
  5.  (10561.57)
    @Bunny -- Sorry to see that people are trying to be such voyeurs. Hopefully it's just a moment of weakness for them and they get past it. For the people that are saying you did something wrong / didn't try hard enough: They don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. They're wrong, they can't possibly understand. They're not worth losing sleep over. I'd offer to help move, but you're kind of on the other coast... That's weird that rental places don't come with appliances. I've never heard of that. What happens if your next place does? Oh, word of advice: Make damn sure that you have something signed saying that the appliances you have to buy didn't come with the place because otherwise the people / group renting you the place could say that they were there before.
    As for the guys asking you out... what can I say? Some guys are really dumb. They don't understand that doing something like that is just plain wrong. They believe the bullshit they see on tv / hear from their buddies and that someone recently single is vulnerable and easy. Now, I can't claim to know you at all, but you are not someone that I would think of as being vulnerable. Keep staying strong, you'll be fine. I have faith in that, and in you.
    People are probably intimidated by you because you're self aware and confident. A lot of people aren't use to that and they don't know how to deal with it. Try not to let someone's opinion of you bother you. If it makes them not want to talk to you / makes it so they can't get to know you as well as they could otherwise, that's their loss.
    • CommentTimeMar 25th 2012

    Still no gigs, but no matter, I've started recording new material anyway. I'll come back to Europe with a new album if nothing else.

    Also, it'd be real nice if Air Berlin got on with refunding that hellishly expensive little surprise I stepped into in Berlin. The automatic reply warned me about their "heavy workload", once I'd actually sent an email to a different address than the one I was given back in Germany. Bah.


    New York is still totally amazing, and I got to meet dorkmuffin, who is totally awesome. And the Pyrrhon/Cleric/Torrential Downpour/Dysrhythmia gig was sooooo gooood. It does you good to get pummeled with spine-meltingly loud music from time to time.


    Christ, looks like we all need more than a few sympathetic arms around us. I once again find myself at a loss for words, but believe me, you're all in my thoughts. (And that goes for Doug, too, dork.)
    • CommentTimeMar 25th 2012
    got nothing but hugs for all that need them. good luck with your woes and worries.
    • CommentTimeMar 25th 2012
    I'll do this quick before it closes.

    I honestly cannot handle any more of this homework business. I have 2 critiques tomorrow morning, and 2 layers of a screenprint and an etching still to finish before then. I think I've spent more nights in the studio in the last 3 weeks (one of which I was in NOLA, so I couldn't then) than I did all of last semester. There's a pillow and blanket in my locker in the art building, and I'll probably be using them again tonight. Then there's the not art class, which is always worse because I have no interest in it.

    In good news, I went to visit my old college town a few days ago, and got to see some people I love and missed. My little brother, old roommates, old teachers, everyone was lovely. I went down mostly to see the art show of my ex boyfriend, and was really nervous about it. But he seems to actually be genuine about wanting to be friends now. He gave me a couple of prints, my 2 favorites in the show, and just treated me like the girls I rode down with. I can't even say how happy it makes me to be able to be something other than miserable around that boy. On the downside, I've been asked a few times if we might get back together (um, NO) but being friends is good.

    Night before last was mostly in the studio, but I left to see visiting family an a newly opened fancy mall that's a block or two from my apartment. Basically I left the studio just so I could get some food and grab some watercolor paints I'd forgotten that morning, and my parents and older brother happened to be there. My mom asked what I was working on, and with some hesitation I told her it was a print about the maturation lesson I'd had in 5th grade. She sort of freaked out at me, and I just cried and shut myself off in my room the rest of the time they were there. My brother was kind enough to stand up for me, but it didn't do much good. It's just gotten so tiresome to try and defend my art to her. I don't even want to try anymore. It's not even a particularly bad piece. No nudity or sex or violence or blood, just a clean pad and some distressed young girls who just learned something terrifying about themselves.

    When I got back to the studio I called my ex because I needed some positive reinforcement. He was as helpful as he's ever been, and I really appreciated it. Since my one best friend is off on a Mormon mission, I haven't had anyone I can just call up out of the blue to talk to when I need someone. I have friends, but no one that I feel particularly comfortable bawling in front of. I'd missed that. There's my sister, but we'd talked about parent issues the night before and she was there for the particular argument. I'm glad he was there when I needed him. I just hope it lasts.

    Special internet hugs and applesause to Bob, JP Carpenter, and Dorkmuffin's boy. Bob, I really really hope that it works out next time. You seem like you'd be such a great dad.