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  1.  (10645.1)
    Left the apartment today to go sell some films and to see what's going on in the big blue ceiling room. What was going on was Restaurant Day, where everybody can set up an extempore restaurant, and a big neighborhood festival of free gigs. So this was a day of stalls with food scents, sunshine, good coffee in a cafe terrace and watching all sorts of beautiful young things enjoy the early tendrils of the summer.

    Now loading a backpack full of meat and going to a pal's place to barbecue and sauna.
  2.  (10645.2)
    This week was Correctional Officer's Week at work, and that basically just means food.

    Later today, I'm going to a picnic at a downtown park near the institution. My fiance is meeting me on the way, and she's a bit nervous, as she usually doesn't make a habit of hanging around cop-type-people (other than me). Actually, I don't usually do that either, outside of work. This will be the first work-sponsored event I've ever gone to outside of the institution, so hopefully we can both share in our equal discomfort. But there's free food, and prizes. I'm hoping for the Kindle.
    • CommentTimeMay 19th 2012 edited
    Mozzarella ice cream, fuck yeah. Last time people had it, the taste reportedly made a woman blush and go speechless. I can vouch for it to be the best ice cream I've ever tasted. Then again, my favorites so far have been licorice and tar ice creams.

    All warm and content after sauna, friends, half a kilo of bbq meat and the said ice creams. Being late from the bus gave a nice cool down walk to end the evening - a forested industrial area, deep indigo sky, birds bleeping and clicking in the trees, one side of the sky noticeably lighter even though it was 1am. Summer is coming and one month and a change to the midnight sun.
    • CommentTimeMay 19th 2012
    So this happened:

    It's very quiet, but I haven't been this proud of my voice in years.
    • CommentAuthorArgos
    • CommentTimeMay 21st 2012
    wow, dorkmuffin you've improved a lot! Good to hear you're vocal therapy is going well :D
  3.  (10645.6)
    @Flecky - Thanks for putting in a good word with the universe for me. Still working on things. I'm sure I'll update you all when there's any news, good or ill. And cheers on the sobriety.

    @dorkmuffin - You've got a purty mouth voice!

    My date last Friday went well. Aside from the fact that we can't actually fit seeing one another into our schedules, there seems to be some mutual fuzzy feelings. In some ways, it's a good thing because otherwise, I could totally see myself falling hard for this girl. Taking a bit of time to cool off allows me to be a bit more dispassionate (which is what every romantic relationship needs!). I'm dead set on learning from the mistakes of history. So no getting engaged three months into a relationship. Or while under the influence of narcotics.

    Pretty much all of the major aspects of my life are progressing quite well at the moment, so it's hard not to tense up, anticipating an unseen horror, but I'm telling the pessimistic/self-destructive part of myself to fuck off.
  4.  (10645.7)
    @sellmeyoursoul - oh, I'm totally the same way with relationships. Which is why I've been avoiding them for so long. I dive too deep too soon.

    Today it was a rainy and thundery day, and my head was nice and didn't explode at all! Well, not until about an hour ago when the pressure started to plummet, but... it was a nice and rare treat to get to hang out in comfy clothes drinking tea and enjoying a grey day without needing to lay down.

    • CommentTimeMay 22nd 2012
    You all know Amanda fucking Palmer has been breaking all previous known crowd funding records/rules this month, right? So I've been thinking about it because I sorta follow her career, though not meticulously (girl is prolific and I have a limited attention span). I'm busted flat broke, have been for years and this month it's especially kicking me in the teeth - borrowing cars, cash, crash space, etc to make it to my theater to run rehearsals for the play I'm stage managing.

    I check in on AFP's progress but keep my distance to keep from the non-participation from hurting too much. She doesn't really need my help, she would like it and I would like to help...but I don't need to. If I was going to support a kickstarter it should have been the one my company ran for our play. But it's been so touch and go, literally every dollar counts for me. I can't lose track of so much as a nickel.

    But she posted today about the spending plan for pulling a hypothetical million dollars. And it's not like that's what moved me, she's hovering around $800K and I'm pretty sure she still doesn't need my help. But I got thinking about how much I have needed help. How much the limited encouragement my friends have given me, the tiny bits of support, the loans, the outright gifts have kept me moving forward. And how much, back when I didn't need this, when I could carry my own weight in a "real" job, I really hated my life and hated myself, more than a little.

    I checked my bank account. I had less than $2.00 left through the end of the month. I don't have anything I can use that for, most likely (it wouldn't even buy me a decent cup of coffee). Passing a dollar onto AFP is really an absurd act. It doesn't change either of our situations. It doesn't feed anyone who's going hungry. It doesn't buy jack in terms of necessary stuff. But it puts a shoulder to the idea that art needs to be made - that making it so we can create our own shit as we feel driven to do - that is a necessity. That is something that improves the world. I believe in Amanda's work just like I believe in the theatre I do.* Giving her a thumbs up in the form of a buck is the least I can do.

    I posted all that on her blog. Commented on Twitter, pledged a dollar and moved on.

    A little bit later a girl over Twitter wrote to me offering me $4 to get me to the next gift level. She wanted to give ME a gift for HER birthday. It's sorted now. She sent me the cash over paypal. I'll handle the transaction from there. ...with tears in my eyes. Someone gave me a really amazing present just...why? Just because I said something inane about my recklessly poor life? Because I babbled about sacrificing comfort for art? I mean really... But it happened. I could hug the whole world right now.

    *I know it's a matter of faith. I put my name in for a temporary gig earlier today, knowing all the while that reporting to an office to work on someone else's project when I don't giving a flying fuck about it is the last thing I want to do. I desperately need money. But I also need to never again feel completely numbed out, with a black weight in my heart.
    • CommentTimeMay 24th 2012
    the lady and i just got in after a couple of rough days at work and cracked some cold beers on a nice day.... simple shit

    oh also the drummer in my 2 piece band drummed for 3 hours yesterday and raised £157 for the teenage cancer trust
  5.  (10645.10)
    there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    In a couple of weeks, I switch to evening shift. I won't have to get up at 430 in the fucking am, for at least 3 months.

    Thank fucking God.

    Except for a month or so on the graveyard shift (during which my waking hours were spent dealing with my girlfriend going to rehab), I've been on the day shift, grueling tedious work, on base pay, for nearly a full year.

    Now, I can go to sleep when I feel like it, wake up when I feel like it (NO ALARM!!!) and I actually get paid more!

    Too bad the future Mrs. Spy doesn't like my new hours. I think since I learned to cook she's gotten spoiled.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2012 edited
    I've got a bit of hope at the moment, but I'm fucking scared as hell.

    I got to nine-days-clean, was sick as hell, was doing meetings etc. I was literally crawling home and getting bits of sleep.

    I'm not making excuses here, but I was insane as the day broke on Monday; it was like I was possessed. I know most people who don't understand addiction would think I was weak, that I don't want to stop using, that I'm beyond help etc. but, like any illness, you can't really understand until it happens to you.

    If I'd been in a safer environment I reckon I would have had a fighting chance. Addicts don't take drugs so they can have a good time, relax with friends, dance in clubs to fucking techno like a pratt. They don't go to the pub to discuss the state of the world over a couple of drinks, they go there to get shit-faced. Basically, they just can't handle normal emotions like most people.

    Anyway, on Monday I relapsed. I've seen what this can do in other people. Even before they've used you can see the illness kick the shit out of them. Thank fuck I managed to keep it to just one day. Luckily, I contacted a few folk from NA to pour my heart out to. I'm not ashamed to admit I cried like a bitch.

    BUT it's not all bad. I had to go back on a small dosage of the buprenorphine, and I'm sorting out going into a hospital to detox. I'm also applying to go to a rehab to get the fuck away from London for a few months.

    I refuse to give up trying. It's the best I can do.

    Now I'm off to some sexual-health clinic, it has to be done.

    Later, folks.
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2012 edited
    @Flecky- setbacks will always happen, your refusal to give up trying is what will make the difference.
    Good luck with the clinic, and I hope they can sort the detox and out of town rehab for you soon- getting out of town for a while has to be a help. Looking forward to hearing some more from the frightening genius of Flecky2.0.
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2012
    I got several interesting mental brain diagnoses yesterday, and pharmaceuticals to accompany.
    • CommentAuthorroadscum
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2012
    @Flecky: Life is rarely simple and straightforward, not like it is on the telly where the good guy gets the girl and they all live happily ever after*. You know this, you know life is messy and complicated and a bloody hard slog. And when it's all uphill its not surprising if sometimes you slide back down a little. The important thing is to pick yourself up and get back climbing. Not everybody manages to do that, you have and that's damn good. I don't know if the sound of cheering in the background helps at all, but that's what i'm doing. You keep going sunshine, you beat those little fuckers! I want you to WIN!

    And getting away from London for a while? Oh yes, that's the way to go. Worked for me anyway, just got back from a couple of days in the North Norfolk sunshine fog. Had an excellent time and have returned renewed and revitalised. Or something. Ok, i'm aching like hell and tired as fuck but it was nice, ok? There were trees and flowers and seaside and i liked it a lot.

    *I haven't had a telly for years so i'm making that up, things can't have changed that much though.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 25th 2012
    @nelzbub and roadscum: Ta, gents. Yep, it isn't like the telly. I've seen so many films/shows that get the whole addiction thing wrong.

    I'm glad you had a good break, roadscum.

    Damn, I won't go into detail about what they did to me at the sexual-health clinic, but the staff were brilliant, really good people. Glad I got that out the way.

    Fuck, I enjoyed the sun walking home today :)
  6.  (10645.16)
    Yesterday was awesome. I was on time for a fancy doctor appointment, got some 'scripts to help my blood sugar and hair problems, and then walked all over Central Park. I knew I'd pay for it and my body would hate me today (which it does), but it was glorious to walk through the woodsiest bits of the park in the intermittently pouring rain. And after that I was social with humans!

    Then I got home, and opened the mail.

    Seems I was wrong. There goes everything I was clinging to and hoping for. For the past four... no.... eight years. Today and everything in the future is kind of really awful. And I'm in a weird sort of shock.

    But yesterday was awesome. Friendly squirrels and water diving birds and sailors and dancing children.
  7.  (10645.17)
    Aw, shit Rachæl, that's awful. I thought they'd told you in the past that you were a strong candidate.
    • CommentAuthorflecky
    • CommentTimeMay 26th 2012
    I wish I could think of something good to say, Rachael. That letter is just...*sigh*

    Sorry to hear that.
  8.  (10645.19)
    @Rachael - oh shit. Sorry to hear, hope there's some sort of answer out there for you that doesn't take too long to arrive.
    @Flecky - hang in there, hope you manage to get out of London.

    New earphones arrived this morning - trouble is I'll probably need a new mp3 player too, as current one is on its last legs.

    Plus, the sun's out and I'm off to the beach shortly...
  9.  (10645.20)
    @ David - yeah. They did.